This week's had some highs and lows. I've been wanting to blog, but not sure how to present things, or how much to present. I'm still not sure right now.
Biggest downer first. We had a huge... incident a few nights ago. Paul was out, and Boss asked for Baby Paul, and no one's really sure what happened next, but next thing I'm sure of is that I was out, but completely panicking. And I wasn't all the way out; I was in a bit of a fugue/dream state, and the panic was completely overwhelming. I was hitting out and screaming and fighting. I think. I was in my head, but I gather that externally the action was a bit more subdued. It reminds me of the nightmares and waking-up effects from when I was married the first time and reacting to abuse by majorly dissociating. Of course, Boss took care of me as best he could; he always does. I know I worried him a lot. But we've discussed what we think might have happened and things to try to avoid triggering something like that again.
Now, the strange thing is, to me, that Silent One didn't come out at this point. This is the type of reaction among which Silent One was born. The panic would lead to Silent One comatose back then. And more recently, the panic would lead to Silent One active and defending itself. Instead, it was - as far as Boss or I could tell - me, possibly a younger version of me, just panicking. So we got to talking about Silent One, and realized it hasn't been out in maybe a couple of months. Internally, we've gone to Silent One's 'room', where the jungle plants stick out through the bars on the door, and stood there, making noise. There doesn't really seem to be anyone home. Is Silent One missing? And if it is, is that a good thing or a bad thing? We're not really sure what to think about that.
Good stuff, though. Partially in outcome from the big incident, Boss and Paul ended up really having some good chat time, and spent some time talking about how things work - should work - could work, as well as just hanging out together. We went to a munch earlier this week that was followed by arcade gaming, and Paul had a great time that night. Kiara's been out a lot lately, too. There have been several movie trips and shopping trips for her. So she's happy these days. I think she's finally 90% over Bear. I worry that it seems she's slower to whole-heartedly like people now, though. She's not supposed to grow up that way.
After the incident above, when I came mostly to, I realized I couldn't talk. Just didn't seem to be able to make that 'program' function. I tried to sign to Boss, but I don't know enough sign to communicate well, so he thought I was telling him my head hurt, so he turned off the light. So no more signing. Baby Paul made some rudimentary signs last night, too. I think it's time for me to start learning more sign language.
Showing posts with label Bear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bear. Show all posts
Friday, July 19, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Healthy Maintenance and Good Stuff [Me]
Despite the heavy emotional shakeup lately, there have been some really good things happening. Some even because of it.
I've been teaching a 'Welcome to the Dungeon' class for a couple of years now. It's expanded into the Dungeon 101 class , a Kink 101 class for people curious about their kinky friend's lifestyle, and a Pro 101 for Healthcare Providers that are dealing with kinky folks. And that whole thing is really growing and spreading. I had my first out-of-state presentation last weekend, for example. This is really exciting and fulfilling.
Boss and Paul are still growing and redefining their relationship. Boss sends him gay porn, which he watches with gusto, and then gets all excited wanting to try the stuff he sees. The boy is staying older most of the time, and has a serious case of 'the crush' on Boss. It's a good thing; I enjoy watching them do stuff together.
We've opened our poly family up just a bit. I've talked about MK from time to time over the last couple of years. I've generally referred to him as 'a friend' or 'one of my guys' or as my roommate. He's always been more than that to me, though. He holds a pretty special place for me, and for Kiara. Not as much for anyone else. But in light of the whole condom discussion, his relationship to me - and to the rest of our family - was brought up and examined. And both Boss and the Metamour confirmed what I felt all along, that he is definitely regarded as part of our family. And since we were willing to tell him so, he's been willing to open up a little more to us, to me, too. He's been spending a night or two a week with me, either at our place or at his. And he's interacting a lot more with both Boss and Metamour as well, and that's just great stuff.
And while doing relationship maintenance post-incident, I did go ahead and send Bear a message that I would like to cuddle with him - mostly Kiara would like to - if the opportunity came up and he wished to invite us to do so. He never answered, but we'll see what happens next time the opportunity is there.
In talking with Bear and Boss and MK and other people over the last year or so, I have come to the conclusion that my feelings aren't as obvious to people that I care about as I think they are. If you remember the dom that harshly dumped me a while before I started this blog. One thing he had said later indicated that, at the time, he thought he was just another play partner to me, whereas I was having some serious feelings for him. Bear at one point said something similar. Even though I was deeply emotionally his, he really thought I felt like he was just one of many play partners I had. So I need to make it more obvious. Boss and I talk all the time about how we're feeling. So I think he understands just how deeply I feel about him. But I had not discussed it with MK before, so I did that recently. And that's part of what got him to open up a lot to me, and he feels more strongly than I had dared hope. And that's part of what led to him being much more actively involved in our family, as I mentioned before. So my lesson here is to talk about how strongly I feel for someone, or risk them underestimating my feelings.
I've been teaching a 'Welcome to the Dungeon' class for a couple of years now. It's expanded into the Dungeon 101 class , a Kink 101 class for people curious about their kinky friend's lifestyle, and a Pro 101 for Healthcare Providers that are dealing with kinky folks. And that whole thing is really growing and spreading. I had my first out-of-state presentation last weekend, for example. This is really exciting and fulfilling.
Boss and Paul are still growing and redefining their relationship. Boss sends him gay porn, which he watches with gusto, and then gets all excited wanting to try the stuff he sees. The boy is staying older most of the time, and has a serious case of 'the crush' on Boss. It's a good thing; I enjoy watching them do stuff together.
We've opened our poly family up just a bit. I've talked about MK from time to time over the last couple of years. I've generally referred to him as 'a friend' or 'one of my guys' or as my roommate. He's always been more than that to me, though. He holds a pretty special place for me, and for Kiara. Not as much for anyone else. But in light of the whole condom discussion, his relationship to me - and to the rest of our family - was brought up and examined. And both Boss and the Metamour confirmed what I felt all along, that he is definitely regarded as part of our family. And since we were willing to tell him so, he's been willing to open up a little more to us, to me, too. He's been spending a night or two a week with me, either at our place or at his. And he's interacting a lot more with both Boss and Metamour as well, and that's just great stuff.
And while doing relationship maintenance post-incident, I did go ahead and send Bear a message that I would like to cuddle with him - mostly Kiara would like to - if the opportunity came up and he wished to invite us to do so. He never answered, but we'll see what happens next time the opportunity is there.
In talking with Bear and Boss and MK and other people over the last year or so, I have come to the conclusion that my feelings aren't as obvious to people that I care about as I think they are. If you remember the dom that harshly dumped me a while before I started this blog. One thing he had said later indicated that, at the time, he thought he was just another play partner to me, whereas I was having some serious feelings for him. Bear at one point said something similar. Even though I was deeply emotionally his, he really thought I felt like he was just one of many play partners I had. So I need to make it more obvious. Boss and I talk all the time about how we're feeling. So I think he understands just how deeply I feel about him. But I had not discussed it with MK before, so I did that recently. And that's part of what got him to open up a lot to me, and he feels more strongly than I had dared hope. And that's part of what led to him being much more actively involved in our family, as I mentioned before. So my lesson here is to talk about how strongly I feel for someone, or risk them underestimating my feelings.
Friday, December 28, 2012
The Holidays Are Always Hard [Me]
I think the holiday season is always hard for everyone. You've got to buy presents without enough money, schedule get-togethers without enough time, and visit all those relatives that you tend to avoid during the rest of the year. We're all stressed during the holidays, whether about money, time, relatives, or some awful combination of the above. Added to that, we hit the shortest days of the year, and the weather suddenly turns cold. It's dark and wet and dreary all the time. There's all kinds of work deadlines to catch up to, and now people pressure you to think about resolutions for next year. No wonder we're all cranky and depressed during the holidays.
Over the last dozen holiday seasons, I spent seven or eight of them working on a stage version of A Christmas Carol. Which means from the beginning of October until mid-December, I was Christmassing very hard. By the time the show closed and the actual holiday came about, I just wanted it to be over. The other years, well, I was still a single mom with a little girl to buy presents for - money stresses and trying not to fight with her father over scheduling ruled a lot of my holidays.
The last couple of years, I was driving back-and-forth up to Kentucky to get my daughter, move her out of her dorm, visit my parents, move her back in the dorm, and try to help everyone get everywhere they were supposed to be. Not only did I not have the money for presents, but I needed to buy lots of gas, too! Add to that, every year I tend to get really sick either on Thanksgiving Day or Christmas Day - like, can't open presents or get out of bed long enough to eat a meal kind of sick. So health and money have been major stressors.
This year, things weren't so bad. The new job means I have more cash than I'm accustomed to, so early in the season, I spent some quiet hours at work buying presents. The real trick was saving them for Christmas instead of giving them out immediately. So my money situation is much, much better than usual. And my fantastic daughter managed her own ride from her dorm to home, and she didn't have to move out-and-in her dorm, so that saved me a couple of days of driving and lots of gas money. We even have a scheme for getting her back that will combine with visiting family, and not as much driving as taking her back myself.
I didn't sign on for any big projects this year, either. No haunted house, no holiday plays, nothing. So I have the time and energy to visit and do things - and relax some, too. And we figured out one cause of the getting sick every year - I'm allergic to the cinnamon scent that's in all the Christmas potpourri and stuff. By buying my gifts online, I've avoided the stuff in stores that makes me sick every year.
So the only thing left from above is fighting with the ex. Well, the kid's an adult now, and she's finally starting to stand up for herself with him. Which means I'm not interacting with him at all. In fact, her boyfriend is supporting her in that more than I am. I'm pretty pleased with him; he seems to be a good guy.
So yeah, all the normal Christmas stress stuff is pretty okay for me this year. I haven't stressed much about it at all. The weather's been mild, and I've spent lots of time with the people who are actually important to me. And some time resting and relaxing. Not that we haven't had ANY issues. There's always something, isn't there? Boss is searching for a job; his could end at any time. The metamour has on-again, off-again health issues - but more good days than bad, lately, I think.
Kiara still seems to be mourning Bear. But we're headed to his house tonight for gaming, and we went to a Yule party at his house. We're trying to figure out how to relate with him now. And we'll get there. For now, Sam seems to be best at interacting with him. She was never that attached to him. But Kiara came out for presents on Christmas, and she got several.
Paul got several Christmas presents specifically for him, too. He's had some rough times working through how his system interacts with Boss lately, and we weren't sure he would even come to front for Christmas. But he did, and now he and Boss are starting to work things out again, carefully figuring out how things work.
Gracelyn also took a period of being missing. But not because she was upset; just because she didn't feel that she was all that needed. She's always been mostly background, sometimes moreso than others. Boss has been on vacation from his job, so she hasn't been out to drive to and from work with him, as we carpool. When we drive alone, it's usually me or Sam driving. Silent One has also been much quieter lately, but it did come out the other night, and it was a very calm event.
Stephanie is continuing to show up, and less likely to 'go blank', taking the body into a disconnected state. Cherish hasn't been out much, though. There's another slave to take some of her being. But when she is out, she has a lot more confidence, even a hint of a sense of humor. I'd like to see her out more.
Rubi has had a few opportunities for topping lately, and has had a couple of serious play sessions as a bottom. She doesn't seem to miss Bear as much as I expected, or maybe she's just biding her time? I feel like her complacency may be temporary, so I'd like to have her a regular play partner again. But it's probably a good thing, health-wise, that we aren't having as many heavy play scenes lately. And Sam's getting more play now, instead.
Over the last dozen holiday seasons, I spent seven or eight of them working on a stage version of A Christmas Carol. Which means from the beginning of October until mid-December, I was Christmassing very hard. By the time the show closed and the actual holiday came about, I just wanted it to be over. The other years, well, I was still a single mom with a little girl to buy presents for - money stresses and trying not to fight with her father over scheduling ruled a lot of my holidays.
The last couple of years, I was driving back-and-forth up to Kentucky to get my daughter, move her out of her dorm, visit my parents, move her back in the dorm, and try to help everyone get everywhere they were supposed to be. Not only did I not have the money for presents, but I needed to buy lots of gas, too! Add to that, every year I tend to get really sick either on Thanksgiving Day or Christmas Day - like, can't open presents or get out of bed long enough to eat a meal kind of sick. So health and money have been major stressors.
This year, things weren't so bad. The new job means I have more cash than I'm accustomed to, so early in the season, I spent some quiet hours at work buying presents. The real trick was saving them for Christmas instead of giving them out immediately. So my money situation is much, much better than usual. And my fantastic daughter managed her own ride from her dorm to home, and she didn't have to move out-and-in her dorm, so that saved me a couple of days of driving and lots of gas money. We even have a scheme for getting her back that will combine with visiting family, and not as much driving as taking her back myself.
I didn't sign on for any big projects this year, either. No haunted house, no holiday plays, nothing. So I have the time and energy to visit and do things - and relax some, too. And we figured out one cause of the getting sick every year - I'm allergic to the cinnamon scent that's in all the Christmas potpourri and stuff. By buying my gifts online, I've avoided the stuff in stores that makes me sick every year.
So the only thing left from above is fighting with the ex. Well, the kid's an adult now, and she's finally starting to stand up for herself with him. Which means I'm not interacting with him at all. In fact, her boyfriend is supporting her in that more than I am. I'm pretty pleased with him; he seems to be a good guy.
So yeah, all the normal Christmas stress stuff is pretty okay for me this year. I haven't stressed much about it at all. The weather's been mild, and I've spent lots of time with the people who are actually important to me. And some time resting and relaxing. Not that we haven't had ANY issues. There's always something, isn't there? Boss is searching for a job; his could end at any time. The metamour has on-again, off-again health issues - but more good days than bad, lately, I think.
Kiara still seems to be mourning Bear. But we're headed to his house tonight for gaming, and we went to a Yule party at his house. We're trying to figure out how to relate with him now. And we'll get there. For now, Sam seems to be best at interacting with him. She was never that attached to him. But Kiara came out for presents on Christmas, and she got several.
Paul got several Christmas presents specifically for him, too. He's had some rough times working through how his system interacts with Boss lately, and we weren't sure he would even come to front for Christmas. But he did, and now he and Boss are starting to work things out again, carefully figuring out how things work.
Gracelyn also took a period of being missing. But not because she was upset; just because she didn't feel that she was all that needed. She's always been mostly background, sometimes moreso than others. Boss has been on vacation from his job, so she hasn't been out to drive to and from work with him, as we carpool. When we drive alone, it's usually me or Sam driving. Silent One has also been much quieter lately, but it did come out the other night, and it was a very calm event.
Stephanie is continuing to show up, and less likely to 'go blank', taking the body into a disconnected state. Cherish hasn't been out much, though. There's another slave to take some of her being. But when she is out, she has a lot more confidence, even a hint of a sense of humor. I'd like to see her out more.
Rubi has had a few opportunities for topping lately, and has had a couple of serious play sessions as a bottom. She doesn't seem to miss Bear as much as I expected, or maybe she's just biding her time? I feel like her complacency may be temporary, so I'd like to have her a regular play partner again. But it's probably a good thing, health-wise, that we aren't having as many heavy play scenes lately. And Sam's getting more play now, instead.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Stephanie - Temporary [Me]
See that delay? That's me having too much to write about and not sure what to do with it. Hey, this next bit is a little on the dark side, might justify a trigger warning.
Did you know that we could have a temporary alter? Neither did we, until one showed up. There's this girl... her purpose seems to be being afraid of Boss when we play. She can't be disobedient, and she doesn't enjoy playing, but she needs it. She's said that she is temporary, not part of the rest of the system. She didn't even have a name. Boss named her September (which I like), then changed it to Stephanie (which I don't). I don't know why we don't like the name Stephanie, but she seems relieved that it's a name we don't like. I can see her in my mind. She's young, maybe mid to late teens? Has stringy dark hair and brown eyes with huge bags under them - or is that a black eye? She's got cuts and bruises all over her of various ages - I can't tell if any are self-inflicted, but she stands in that pose that screams 'abused', one arm awkwardly holding the other elbow as that hand dangles, feet bare and akimbo, hunched over waiting for that next blow. Flinching from it before it happens.
Her arrival has brought up the subject of fear, and love. You can't have both in the same place. I let him - ask him - to do some pretty awful things to me when we play. But I trust him not to harm me, to be more careful of me than I am of myself. He loves me, and would never intentionally do something that he actually thought would be harmful to me. And that leaves a hole for me, because I understand that, and because of it, I trust him. I know that he'll pull that last bit of his blow, and that means I'm not afraid of it, not really. And sometimes, I need to be afraid. I was afraid - physically afraid - of Bear, because he's just a giant of a man, and though I trusted him, we didn't have that romantic chivalric love between us that would keep me from being afraid of him. My body and my animal mind believed that if he wanted to, he could maim or kill me and nothing I could do about it, even though my rational adult mind says I'm safe enough. With Boss, an earnest 'please' will stop things. I can't be fully afraid of him.
Seems like a good thing, right? Who wants to be afraid of someone you love? Turns out, I do. We do. I occasionally need to be less-than-completely sure that I'll make it through the night okay. We need to cry and beg and get 'No' for an answer. That's what I was getting from Bear. And now I am not. So I think Stephanie has turned up to fill that need. She's not in love with Boss. She's terrified of him. So terrified that she can't be anything but completely obedient to him. Some of that fear-obedience is similar to Cherish's. But whereas Cherish is completely obedient, she also loves Boss with something beyond love. She worships him. And thus, she trusts him. Or rather, she has the attitude that if he wishes to do harm to our body, that's his right, and though she might beg and plead, she would never think that he should stop unless he wants to. If he told her he was going to cut off her leg, she'd cry, but she'd stand still while he tied her down for it. For Stephanie, she'd be too afraid to move while he tied her down for it. Same effect, different meaning.
Gracelyn and Boss seem to think that perhaps Stephanie is here to gain a little strength and then be merged into Cherish. Or she might stick around as long as she's needed and then fade away. In part, I hope it happens quickly. But I also understand why I need her.
Did you know that we could have a temporary alter? Neither did we, until one showed up. There's this girl... her purpose seems to be being afraid of Boss when we play. She can't be disobedient, and she doesn't enjoy playing, but she needs it. She's said that she is temporary, not part of the rest of the system. She didn't even have a name. Boss named her September (which I like), then changed it to Stephanie (which I don't). I don't know why we don't like the name Stephanie, but she seems relieved that it's a name we don't like. I can see her in my mind. She's young, maybe mid to late teens? Has stringy dark hair and brown eyes with huge bags under them - or is that a black eye? She's got cuts and bruises all over her of various ages - I can't tell if any are self-inflicted, but she stands in that pose that screams 'abused', one arm awkwardly holding the other elbow as that hand dangles, feet bare and akimbo, hunched over waiting for that next blow. Flinching from it before it happens.
Her arrival has brought up the subject of fear, and love. You can't have both in the same place. I let him - ask him - to do some pretty awful things to me when we play. But I trust him not to harm me, to be more careful of me than I am of myself. He loves me, and would never intentionally do something that he actually thought would be harmful to me. And that leaves a hole for me, because I understand that, and because of it, I trust him. I know that he'll pull that last bit of his blow, and that means I'm not afraid of it, not really. And sometimes, I need to be afraid. I was afraid - physically afraid - of Bear, because he's just a giant of a man, and though I trusted him, we didn't have that romantic chivalric love between us that would keep me from being afraid of him. My body and my animal mind believed that if he wanted to, he could maim or kill me and nothing I could do about it, even though my rational adult mind says I'm safe enough. With Boss, an earnest 'please' will stop things. I can't be fully afraid of him.
Seems like a good thing, right? Who wants to be afraid of someone you love? Turns out, I do. We do. I occasionally need to be less-than-completely sure that I'll make it through the night okay. We need to cry and beg and get 'No' for an answer. That's what I was getting from Bear. And now I am not. So I think Stephanie has turned up to fill that need. She's not in love with Boss. She's terrified of him. So terrified that she can't be anything but completely obedient to him. Some of that fear-obedience is similar to Cherish's. But whereas Cherish is completely obedient, she also loves Boss with something beyond love. She worships him. And thus, she trusts him. Or rather, she has the attitude that if he wishes to do harm to our body, that's his right, and though she might beg and plead, she would never think that he should stop unless he wants to. If he told her he was going to cut off her leg, she'd cry, but she'd stand still while he tied her down for it. For Stephanie, she'd be too afraid to move while he tied her down for it. Same effect, different meaning.
Gracelyn and Boss seem to think that perhaps Stephanie is here to gain a little strength and then be merged into Cherish. Or she might stick around as long as she's needed and then fade away. In part, I hope it happens quickly. But I also understand why I need her.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
A Collection of Thoughts [Me]
I don't think the earring is going to make it. The hole's starting to feel and look infected again. And the new earring is too heavy; I can't sleep on that side while wearing it. Even Kiara seems to be wanting it gone - it gets in the way of our morning wake-up cuddling. Cherish is, of course, the main concern. But once the original earring was taken out, she doesn't seem to have the same attachment to the new one. And if it's better for the body for it to be gone...
We had another mash-up this morning. We woke up this morning with me out, but all mixed up with Kiara. And everyone else completely quiet. It wasn't uncomfortable, really, but it was different. Not like Kiara being out and me watching. The same kind of mash-up effect as Cherish had with Silent One last weekend.
Boss has tried renaming Silent One. Instead of SO, he reversed it to OS, and he pronounces it 'Oz'. I suggested NoSSO, for Not So Silent One, would be better. Either way, it doesn't answer to the name, though. It doesn't know why he's making that noise at it. It did pick up a few deliberate noises, though. When it was all mashed up with Cherish, it may have picked up some understanding of language. It made a lip-smacking sound when he said 'kiss', and an 'F' sound for fingers. And he said it very clearly said, "Hi" at one point. I wonder if the language pieces will stick when it's not all mashed up.
This morning, when I was mashed with Kiara, she finally started getting sleepy. And maybe because we were so strongly mixed, I was able to 'see' myself taking her by her hand and leading her back to her room, tucking her in, and getting a nose-kiss goodnight. Then I was able to come back to the front, and my vision cleared about and I was in front all solo. It was very sweet.
We stopped doing our DnD gaming. I'm not doing any role-play gaming now. And it's making me want to write again. Writing/roleplaying is therapy for me. My own self-directed therapy. I'm thinking about looking up my old Star Trek RPG. Or maybe writing some fiction. I might get some friends to co-write with me. I've always enjoyed things I've co-written better.
Sam has started doing a little bedroom role-play with Boss. In the middle of sex or cuddling or whatever, he'll say something to indicate what 'scene' he's feeling like, and Sam's started jumping right in to play that role. She's the most verbal of us during sex, and the most 'out for fun', so it makes sense that she'd jump in for that.
We saw Bear last night. Once a week, we've started going to a trivia night thing that he's doing. And Sam's been the one going to it. She's enjoying hanging with him, and she's got a 'date' to play with him this weekend. She's made no pretense to him of being Me, but he hasn't acknowledged it. He also hasn't shied away from it. He also hasn't, say, asked after Kiara, who won't come out around him at all. Might be interesting for aftercare this weekend.
Well, there's a bunch of collected thoughts for you. They actually are connected to each other, if you know where to look. None quite justifying their own post. But these are things going on with us right now.
We had another mash-up this morning. We woke up this morning with me out, but all mixed up with Kiara. And everyone else completely quiet. It wasn't uncomfortable, really, but it was different. Not like Kiara being out and me watching. The same kind of mash-up effect as Cherish had with Silent One last weekend.
Boss has tried renaming Silent One. Instead of SO, he reversed it to OS, and he pronounces it 'Oz'. I suggested NoSSO, for Not So Silent One, would be better. Either way, it doesn't answer to the name, though. It doesn't know why he's making that noise at it. It did pick up a few deliberate noises, though. When it was all mashed up with Cherish, it may have picked up some understanding of language. It made a lip-smacking sound when he said 'kiss', and an 'F' sound for fingers. And he said it very clearly said, "Hi" at one point. I wonder if the language pieces will stick when it's not all mashed up.
This morning, when I was mashed with Kiara, she finally started getting sleepy. And maybe because we were so strongly mixed, I was able to 'see' myself taking her by her hand and leading her back to her room, tucking her in, and getting a nose-kiss goodnight. Then I was able to come back to the front, and my vision cleared about and I was in front all solo. It was very sweet.
We stopped doing our DnD gaming. I'm not doing any role-play gaming now. And it's making me want to write again. Writing/roleplaying is therapy for me. My own self-directed therapy. I'm thinking about looking up my old Star Trek RPG. Or maybe writing some fiction. I might get some friends to co-write with me. I've always enjoyed things I've co-written better.
Sam has started doing a little bedroom role-play with Boss. In the middle of sex or cuddling or whatever, he'll say something to indicate what 'scene' he's feeling like, and Sam's started jumping right in to play that role. She's the most verbal of us during sex, and the most 'out for fun', so it makes sense that she'd jump in for that.
We saw Bear last night. Once a week, we've started going to a trivia night thing that he's doing. And Sam's been the one going to it. She's enjoying hanging with him, and she's got a 'date' to play with him this weekend. She's made no pretense to him of being Me, but he hasn't acknowledged it. He also hasn't shied away from it. He also hasn't, say, asked after Kiara, who won't come out around him at all. Might be interesting for aftercare this weekend.
Well, there's a bunch of collected thoughts for you. They actually are connected to each other, if you know where to look. None quite justifying their own post. But these are things going on with us right now.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Unfinished Pouting [Me]
I need to write; I know I do. But I'm having trouble putting any thoughts into a concrete form, so this may come out a bit scattered.
Kiara's upset. She cried last night, and pulled away from everyone. Then she locked the rest of us out and sat in the 'front' moping and angry, but still unable to do anything to deal with the hurting. She said she wanted to feel her feelings outside, not go to her room inside and feel them there. Okay, granted. But then she was also angry knowing that when she unlocked everything, we'd be talking about her (about us) with Boss, and she doesn't want it to be talked about (because she doesn't want to deal with it).
What's got her upset? For one thing, we saw Bear last night. And it was... awkward, stilted. We are so in love with him still. And I'm still convinced breaking off with him was the right thing to do. But it hurts to feel like it wasn't really even a big deal to him. Aside from that, she was having problems interacting with people yesterday. One of our friends was trying to be close and offer support - and it came off as looming and invading our personal space. Several other people were around that Kiara has some fondness for, and they were all busy talking and playing with other people.
Sam and Rubi aren't thrilled, either. We were on-call for work last night, so we were at a play party, but really not able to play - so they were all upset. There are a couple of people that Paul is interested in getting to know better, or has a crush on, and they were all there - and busy with other things/people. We tried to have Cherish out - she at least wouldn't be bored without someone to interact with, but with Boss busy, she was too afraid. We just couldn't get anyone out and comfortable for more than a few minutes. As soon as we got into a conversation, we'd switch, or someone would come into our circle or view and make us uncomfortable. So we drifted from one conversation to another, leaving them all half-finished behind us. And now we feel the weight of this unfinished stuff that we created and can't resolve.
So I'll let the pouting and angry run its course, and try to reconnect with those people I left things undone with. And maybe I'll say something to the looming friend; maybe they'll back off on their own when not so needy themselves. And Rubi and Sam will get to play at some point, and Cherish will get some time with her Master. Things will get better.
Kiara's upset. She cried last night, and pulled away from everyone. Then she locked the rest of us out and sat in the 'front' moping and angry, but still unable to do anything to deal with the hurting. She said she wanted to feel her feelings outside, not go to her room inside and feel them there. Okay, granted. But then she was also angry knowing that when she unlocked everything, we'd be talking about her (about us) with Boss, and she doesn't want it to be talked about (because she doesn't want to deal with it).
What's got her upset? For one thing, we saw Bear last night. And it was... awkward, stilted. We are so in love with him still. And I'm still convinced breaking off with him was the right thing to do. But it hurts to feel like it wasn't really even a big deal to him. Aside from that, she was having problems interacting with people yesterday. One of our friends was trying to be close and offer support - and it came off as looming and invading our personal space. Several other people were around that Kiara has some fondness for, and they were all busy talking and playing with other people.
Sam and Rubi aren't thrilled, either. We were on-call for work last night, so we were at a play party, but really not able to play - so they were all upset. There are a couple of people that Paul is interested in getting to know better, or has a crush on, and they were all there - and busy with other things/people. We tried to have Cherish out - she at least wouldn't be bored without someone to interact with, but with Boss busy, she was too afraid. We just couldn't get anyone out and comfortable for more than a few minutes. As soon as we got into a conversation, we'd switch, or someone would come into our circle or view and make us uncomfortable. So we drifted from one conversation to another, leaving them all half-finished behind us. And now we feel the weight of this unfinished stuff that we created and can't resolve.
So I'll let the pouting and angry run its course, and try to reconnect with those people I left things undone with. And maybe I'll say something to the looming friend; maybe they'll back off on their own when not so needy themselves. And Rubi and Sam will get to play at some point, and Cherish will get some time with her Master. Things will get better.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Just a Little Down, You Know [Me]
Definitely feeling a bit down today. Not for any major reason, but just several little ones.
I left my wallet at home. No biggie; I have a credit card for getting lunch, but I just feel incomplete knowing that it's not in my pocket or my purse where it belongs.
There's a water issue at the apartment again. This time in front of my bedroom door, instead of in my closet. I hope this one gets fixed as minor, but it'll probably be a great big hassle again.
I had a disappointing experience at lunch. Went to a place I really like, was seated. Instead of taking my drink order, the guy goes to the next table and gets their order, then gets my drink order, and disappears to the next room. He brings me my water, but then says he'll come back to take my order, even though I'm ready. Another table comes in, he seats them, gets their drink order, gets their drinks, and starts taking their food order. I got up and walked out, and went to another restaurant.
Bear is having a party at his place tonight. He's invited me, sort of. I think I'm just on his email list and he forgot to take me off of the reminder that it's tonight. I say this because I didn't get the initial email inviting everyone. Maybe he did take me off on purpose from that one. Either way, I'm not really thinking about going. I'm not in the most entertaining of moods.
Besides, it's my night to cook; I need to be home for that. I missed last week because I was out shopping - not a fun thing for me, but necessary if I'm to have clothes for work. So I definitely need to be home and cook tonight. And because I wasn't home last night, there are extra dishes to be done. So I'll be doing housework tonight. Yuck. Okay - Gracelyn will be doing housework and cooking tonight.
Eh, clothes. I have five bags of hand-me-down clothes in my truck I need to bring in and sort tonight. Probably none of them will fit me, but I took them to sort through and give to other people. Honestly, I don't really want to deal with it, but I'm hoping some of them will fit my metamour, and she'll have a happy for new-to-her clothes.
I did not get enough sleep last night, but for good reasons. My daughter, my other-daughter (her best friend who's like a daughter to me), and their two boyfriends all came to the Dungeon 101 class I teach, to learn more about kink. For themselves, or to know more about Mom? Probably a little of both, and maybe a touch of 'let's go check out the freaks'. Afterward, I went out to eat with the four young-uns. And this was a good thing. But it means that I got to sleep somewhere around 1am, and got back up at 7am. Technically enough sleep, but nevertheless, I'm tired today.
And last night, when we all went out, I saw an old friend. At least I thought he was an old friend. We know him from the club, and he's also been a very frequent visitor at Motel M, and played Dungeons & Dragons with us. Out of nowhere, a few months back, he just quit coming around. I never understood why, but I respected his choice to break it off with our group. But I did wonder whether he was trying to avoid some one particular person in our group. Anyway, he was at the restaurant. I saw him as soon as I came in the door, and I smiled and made eye contact. And he glared at me, broke eye contact, and hunched up, his body language saying 'Don't you dare act like you know me'.
It shocked me. I mean, when kinky folk see each other in public with vanillas, we often just make eye contact, grin, and move on without talking. It might not be appropriate to walk up and hug someone, just for them to have to explain, "and where do you know her from?" But this was more than that. I think he was actually offended that I had come into his 'territory' and smiled a hello at him. Needless to say, I didn't approach him, nor did he approach me, at the restaurant. So at least I have a piece of an answer. He quit coming around because he doesn't want to be around me. Maybe more than me, maybe not. And I don't know why. Maybe one day he'll tell someone who'll tell me. Maybe not. Again, I respect his choice to stay away and to snub me in public. But I don't understand it. And it makes me sad.
I left my wallet at home. No biggie; I have a credit card for getting lunch, but I just feel incomplete knowing that it's not in my pocket or my purse where it belongs.
There's a water issue at the apartment again. This time in front of my bedroom door, instead of in my closet. I hope this one gets fixed as minor, but it'll probably be a great big hassle again.
I had a disappointing experience at lunch. Went to a place I really like, was seated. Instead of taking my drink order, the guy goes to the next table and gets their order, then gets my drink order, and disappears to the next room. He brings me my water, but then says he'll come back to take my order, even though I'm ready. Another table comes in, he seats them, gets their drink order, gets their drinks, and starts taking their food order. I got up and walked out, and went to another restaurant.
Bear is having a party at his place tonight. He's invited me, sort of. I think I'm just on his email list and he forgot to take me off of the reminder that it's tonight. I say this because I didn't get the initial email inviting everyone. Maybe he did take me off on purpose from that one. Either way, I'm not really thinking about going. I'm not in the most entertaining of moods.
Besides, it's my night to cook; I need to be home for that. I missed last week because I was out shopping - not a fun thing for me, but necessary if I'm to have clothes for work. So I definitely need to be home and cook tonight. And because I wasn't home last night, there are extra dishes to be done. So I'll be doing housework tonight. Yuck. Okay - Gracelyn will be doing housework and cooking tonight.
Eh, clothes. I have five bags of hand-me-down clothes in my truck I need to bring in and sort tonight. Probably none of them will fit me, but I took them to sort through and give to other people. Honestly, I don't really want to deal with it, but I'm hoping some of them will fit my metamour, and she'll have a happy for new-to-her clothes.
I did not get enough sleep last night, but for good reasons. My daughter, my other-daughter (her best friend who's like a daughter to me), and their two boyfriends all came to the Dungeon 101 class I teach, to learn more about kink. For themselves, or to know more about Mom? Probably a little of both, and maybe a touch of 'let's go check out the freaks'. Afterward, I went out to eat with the four young-uns. And this was a good thing. But it means that I got to sleep somewhere around 1am, and got back up at 7am. Technically enough sleep, but nevertheless, I'm tired today.
And last night, when we all went out, I saw an old friend. At least I thought he was an old friend. We know him from the club, and he's also been a very frequent visitor at Motel M, and played Dungeons & Dragons with us. Out of nowhere, a few months back, he just quit coming around. I never understood why, but I respected his choice to break it off with our group. But I did wonder whether he was trying to avoid some one particular person in our group. Anyway, he was at the restaurant. I saw him as soon as I came in the door, and I smiled and made eye contact. And he glared at me, broke eye contact, and hunched up, his body language saying 'Don't you dare act like you know me'.
It shocked me. I mean, when kinky folk see each other in public with vanillas, we often just make eye contact, grin, and move on without talking. It might not be appropriate to walk up and hug someone, just for them to have to explain, "and where do you know her from?" But this was more than that. I think he was actually offended that I had come into his 'territory' and smiled a hello at him. Needless to say, I didn't approach him, nor did he approach me, at the restaurant. So at least I have a piece of an answer. He quit coming around because he doesn't want to be around me. Maybe more than me, maybe not. And I don't know why. Maybe one day he'll tell someone who'll tell me. Maybe not. Again, I respect his choice to stay away and to snub me in public. But I don't understand it. And it makes me sad.
Monday, July 23, 2012
It's Coming... [Me]
Something is coming, some change. I'm not sure what it is, and avoiding worrying about it has kept me from blogging. Also, how do I write about something that I'm not sure what it is? There's a note on the internal whiteboard that some sort of internal reorganization may be underway. The last few times that's happened, we've increased in number. Isn't ten enough people to have in my head? Anyway, I haven't really heard any new voices, so maybe it's something else. I did see Kiara playing around a few weeks ago, moving around pieces of paper on the floor with everyone's names written on them; I don't know if that's related. But there are definitely symptoms of 'Change on the Horizon'.
Last weekend, I had a pretty bad breakdown. Sunday morning we went to a birthday party, but I really wasn't in any shape to be around people. There's work being done in our apartment, and it's been seriously interfering with my routines and peace of mind. I don't handle well having everything I own piled up haphazardly and having to sleep in another room. But there was no way we were going to miss the party, so I was trying to push on through. I got there, though, and just wasn't able to handle it. I ended up being sent upstairs to take a shower and put on fresh clothes, since I hadn't been able to shower at home that day because of the mess, and I was so messed up in the head that I had put on a dirty shirt instead of a clean one. I got upstairs, started the shower, and just collapsed, sobbing. Boss showed up a few minutes later to hold me and let me cry it out; then he put me into the shower and got me cleaned up. Sure enough, I felt a lot better once I was cleaned up and had had some 'poor me' time.
The week after was just fine, but this weekend, we had another issue. Friday night we went out to the dungeon as usual. I knew it was going to be a bit of weird night; the Bear was going to be there. And the friend running the night's activities is moving out of town; this would be his last time there. And someone would be there that has frequently excited Paul's attention - and Paul's not allowed out at the dungeon. On the way to the club, Kiara popped up internally asking about the Bear and the friend that's moving. And she was being really difficult and pouty about both situations. To the point we had to make her 'go to her room'. So I expected it to be a touchy evening. I knew the Boss would play with me and help me stay sorted out. Yeah, well, that didn't go so well. I can't really say what happened, because I've lost that time, but it sounds like I just didn't respond normally, and then collapsed partway through, Silent One coming out in catatonic mode. Boss dealt with it as best he could, eventually getting Cherish to come out. He quickly got us home and to bed. The next morning, I was a little shaky, but mostly okay. And I had lost the time entirely. I remember supper that night, and I woke up in the morning, with maybe a couple of snippets of conversation that may or may not be valid. I hate losing time.
And this morning we had another episode of loss of control. Boss was stressed yesterday, and Lynn ended up coming out to comfort him, something that only happens rarely. But the day went fine. Sometime in the night, we were cuddling and stuff, and he triggered a reaction that we've purposely set up for play purposes. One that needs him to 'release' me from it when over. And we fell asleep before he released me. This morning, the alarm went off, and somehow I was co-conscious with Silent One. I was able to get up and shower and stuff as normal, but I couldn't speak, and Silent One was pawing at Boss to wake him, and reacting as it usually does to things going on. We were stuck both out together, and it was extremely uncomfortable. And alarming, since I had to go in to work very shortly. However, Boss figured out what was going on (even though I couldn't tell him), and managed to help us switch back around to me being out.
And that's when I saw the note on the internal message board that some internal reorganization is coming up. I'm not sure what that's going to be, as it hasn't sorted itself out yet.
Last weekend, I had a pretty bad breakdown. Sunday morning we went to a birthday party, but I really wasn't in any shape to be around people. There's work being done in our apartment, and it's been seriously interfering with my routines and peace of mind. I don't handle well having everything I own piled up haphazardly and having to sleep in another room. But there was no way we were going to miss the party, so I was trying to push on through. I got there, though, and just wasn't able to handle it. I ended up being sent upstairs to take a shower and put on fresh clothes, since I hadn't been able to shower at home that day because of the mess, and I was so messed up in the head that I had put on a dirty shirt instead of a clean one. I got upstairs, started the shower, and just collapsed, sobbing. Boss showed up a few minutes later to hold me and let me cry it out; then he put me into the shower and got me cleaned up. Sure enough, I felt a lot better once I was cleaned up and had had some 'poor me' time.
The week after was just fine, but this weekend, we had another issue. Friday night we went out to the dungeon as usual. I knew it was going to be a bit of weird night; the Bear was going to be there. And the friend running the night's activities is moving out of town; this would be his last time there. And someone would be there that has frequently excited Paul's attention - and Paul's not allowed out at the dungeon. On the way to the club, Kiara popped up internally asking about the Bear and the friend that's moving. And she was being really difficult and pouty about both situations. To the point we had to make her 'go to her room'. So I expected it to be a touchy evening. I knew the Boss would play with me and help me stay sorted out. Yeah, well, that didn't go so well. I can't really say what happened, because I've lost that time, but it sounds like I just didn't respond normally, and then collapsed partway through, Silent One coming out in catatonic mode. Boss dealt with it as best he could, eventually getting Cherish to come out. He quickly got us home and to bed. The next morning, I was a little shaky, but mostly okay. And I had lost the time entirely. I remember supper that night, and I woke up in the morning, with maybe a couple of snippets of conversation that may or may not be valid. I hate losing time.
And this morning we had another episode of loss of control. Boss was stressed yesterday, and Lynn ended up coming out to comfort him, something that only happens rarely. But the day went fine. Sometime in the night, we were cuddling and stuff, and he triggered a reaction that we've purposely set up for play purposes. One that needs him to 'release' me from it when over. And we fell asleep before he released me. This morning, the alarm went off, and somehow I was co-conscious with Silent One. I was able to get up and shower and stuff as normal, but I couldn't speak, and Silent One was pawing at Boss to wake him, and reacting as it usually does to things going on. We were stuck both out together, and it was extremely uncomfortable. And alarming, since I had to go in to work very shortly. However, Boss figured out what was going on (even though I couldn't tell him), and managed to help us switch back around to me being out.
And that's when I saw the note on the internal message board that some internal reorganization is coming up. I'm not sure what that's going to be, as it hasn't sorted itself out yet.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Willing to Talk [Me]
I've posted several times about breaking up with the Bear in the last few weeks. One month after I told him I had to be done, I sent him an email. One that, in retrospect, was obviously written by Sam; she has a style:
I feel like I owe you an explanation, but I don't know if you want it.I want to talk to you, to pour myself out, but not if you don't want me to.Do you understand why I had to break off? Does it matter? Am I hurting you by bringing it up or do you have curiosity to be satisfied?Should we talk or should I leave you alone?Can we be friends again?
That was a couple of weeks ago. Today, he answered. Very briefly, just saying he is willing to talk. I don't know what to say to him. I sent back a brief reply. I don't want to pour my heart out over pages in response to a single sentence. I'm restraining the need to do so. And that's one reason why I had to be done. There are so many ways to interpret his response, all very emotional.
What am I hoping for here? I guess I hope that he'll contact me and maybe chat with me on IM, maybe even a phone call. I hate settling stuff like that over the phone - only one of us at a time can really be on a phone call, but all of us can participate in an IM, for some reason.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Tender but Healing [Me]
Last night, the Boss told me I seemed... calm. Content, pleased, serene. Not tense and sad, as I've been for the last couple of weeks. And he is right. I seem to be 'over it'. Not that I no longer care about the things which have been hurting me, but just that I have found a peace about them. I'm okay. I find this is a normal cycle for me. It goes along with the Depression Cycle that I recognize in myself, but doesn't go as deep, because there's a recognizable cause and effect involved.
Stage One - When I hurt over something (and that's almost always someone), I hurt intensely. I wallow in the feeling, getting all the suffering out of it and into my system. I dredge up every little pain and examine it, making sure I feel all the pain it has to give me. At this point, I need to cry; I need to be furious; I need to feel it all the way.
Stage Two - I let the pain sit and process. I'm quiet and sad about it for a while, and have a sense of the inescapable nature of pain in life. Nothing is going to help me get through this process, I just have to suffer lightly for awhile. I feel like there's no way to avoid it, and the world is never going to have light in it again. But I know I will feel better if I can just wait it out. There's no way to help me at this point - it just has to process. Sympathy and touch remind me that it will get better.
And then I need a catharsis point. Something to hit the reset button. Often, that's a heavy beating, something to make me scream and cry - one that takes a few days to heal from. The ongoing pain annoys me, distracts me from whatever was making me hurt. The catharsis can also be some other change of pace - getting out of town, a project that suddenly comes up and take all my attention, just something that kicks me out of my rut for a few days and keeps me from focusing on whatever I'm upset about. Last weekend, I got a heavy beating that left scabbing on my back, made it tender and achy and itchy all week.
Then I rebound. I feel better, cleaner, ready to move on. And I'm there now. I miss the Bear, and seeing him as a friend will still be awkward for a while. I love him, and not being his makes me sad, wistful. But I know I'll be okay at this point. I can get on with things. The scabs are falling off my back, and it's only a little tender now. My back, and my soul.
Stage One - When I hurt over something (and that's almost always someone), I hurt intensely. I wallow in the feeling, getting all the suffering out of it and into my system. I dredge up every little pain and examine it, making sure I feel all the pain it has to give me. At this point, I need to cry; I need to be furious; I need to feel it all the way.
Stage Two - I let the pain sit and process. I'm quiet and sad about it for a while, and have a sense of the inescapable nature of pain in life. Nothing is going to help me get through this process, I just have to suffer lightly for awhile. I feel like there's no way to avoid it, and the world is never going to have light in it again. But I know I will feel better if I can just wait it out. There's no way to help me at this point - it just has to process. Sympathy and touch remind me that it will get better.
And then I need a catharsis point. Something to hit the reset button. Often, that's a heavy beating, something to make me scream and cry - one that takes a few days to heal from. The ongoing pain annoys me, distracts me from whatever was making me hurt. The catharsis can also be some other change of pace - getting out of town, a project that suddenly comes up and take all my attention, just something that kicks me out of my rut for a few days and keeps me from focusing on whatever I'm upset about. Last weekend, I got a heavy beating that left scabbing on my back, made it tender and achy and itchy all week.
Then I rebound. I feel better, cleaner, ready to move on. And I'm there now. I miss the Bear, and seeing him as a friend will still be awkward for a while. I love him, and not being his makes me sad, wistful. But I know I'll be okay at this point. I can get on with things. The scabs are falling off my back, and it's only a little tender now. My back, and my soul.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Saw a Bear [Me]
I saw the Bear last night. Not as in 'spent some time with'; just that we both went to a party for a mutual friend. There were lots of mutual friends there. It was awkward, as I expected. And the merry-go-round spun a few times unexpectedly. But it was okay, and that was enough. I always make a round of the room hugging all my friends, and I did give him the awkward squeeze-your-shoulder-while-you're-sitting-down hug. He didn't rise for a real hug, but he didn't push me off, either.
I was distracted for the rest of the party. Several people asked if I was okay, and grudgingly accepted my answer that I was well enough. One person straight up asked, "Are you okay with him here?" And honestly, that helped, just to know that someone saw my pain, recognized it, and named it. I didn't stay late, and I didn't make any advances to him.
When I got home, I was down. Not tearing-up-paper and crying down, just being a little quiet kind of down. I'm still processing it a little, but I'll be okay.
I want to pour my heart out on paper, tell him why I quit him and how I feel about it. But I can't tell if that's a fair thing to do to him. I'm guessing my quitting him hurt; he doesn't actually indicate any feelings at all. But then again, that's been part of the problem.
I was distracted for the rest of the party. Several people asked if I was okay, and grudgingly accepted my answer that I was well enough. One person straight up asked, "Are you okay with him here?" And honestly, that helped, just to know that someone saw my pain, recognized it, and named it. I didn't stay late, and I didn't make any advances to him.
When I got home, I was down. Not tearing-up-paper and crying down, just being a little quiet kind of down. I'm still processing it a little, but I'll be okay.
I want to pour my heart out on paper, tell him why I quit him and how I feel about it. But I can't tell if that's a fair thing to do to him. I'm guessing my quitting him hurt; he doesn't actually indicate any feelings at all. But then again, that's been part of the problem.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Breakup Reactions [Me]
With the breakup (see my last post), there has been some fallout. The decision was made and communicated on Monday night. I wasn't surprised when there was no reaction from the system on Monday night. We didn't know how he would respond to my telling him we're done. And we needed that before we could take the next step. Tuesday morning he sent a (very) brief note that basically said 'okay, if that's what you want'. Tuesday during the day, actually, was fine. Because the only one of that's out at work is me. And although I wish I hadn't felt like I had to end things, it was the right decision. And because it's been coming for so long, I don't really have a big reaction to it. It's not because the end of the relationship isn't important to me; it very much is. But I've been reacting; for several months.
However, the rest of the system had simply put the relationship 'on hold'. They are used to putting things on hold - for instance, when I'm at work. I could tell when the information got disseminated on Tuesday afternoon, though. As I was pulling out of the parking lot from work, tears started welling up in my eyes. There wasn't any emotion attached to them - at least not from me. And it got really loud in my head for a few minutes, which means I started feeling some leaked emotions. Not a comfortable thing. So I asked for help. I asked Sam to just take over for a few hours and get some errands done that had to be completed before I had time to fall apart. Because it was obvious there was going to be some falling apart.
And here's where being a multiple comes in really handy. Sam came out and functioned like a relatively normal, not-too-unhappy, functioning person. In fact, she was really productive and successful. No emotional breakdowns. After all, for her he was just an occasional playmate, who usually rocketed straight to Rubi and didn't entertain her long at all. So Sam was the only one really functioning for several hours. Thank you, Sam.
When we got home... honestly I don't remember getting home. The next thing I remember is watching my bedroom door open, and the Boss coming in, to see Kiara sitting on the floor with torn bits of paper all over the place. Someone had apparently started packing up everything that made us think about the Bear, and she had started ripping up a storybook about a bear. She was crying and snotty and needed hugging. And of course she got it. She was in and out for the rest of the evening, very sniffly and quiet and sad. It's terrible to see such a normally happy child so reserved. But she needed to process the pain and confusion of losing a relationship. Cherish was also in and out all evening, mostly as a balance to Kiara's emotion. She cleaned up the mess the kid made and put away all the offending belongings.
So the next reaction I'm waiting for is Rubi. The Bear has, in many ways, been Rubi's particular partner over and above anyone else. He played us at a level only she can take, of all of us. And he relished dragging her pain out of her until she couldn't fight him any more. She's had a few small reactions - handled with lots of sex and a little self-sacrifice by the Boss. But she hasn't been fully out, and I know there's going to be more, and I'm kind of worried that it hasn't hit yet. I've scheduled a session with someone that Rubi's played with before, tomorrow night. I'm hoping it gives her some catharsis. We need someone to hurt her before she hurts someone.
However, the rest of the system had simply put the relationship 'on hold'. They are used to putting things on hold - for instance, when I'm at work. I could tell when the information got disseminated on Tuesday afternoon, though. As I was pulling out of the parking lot from work, tears started welling up in my eyes. There wasn't any emotion attached to them - at least not from me. And it got really loud in my head for a few minutes, which means I started feeling some leaked emotions. Not a comfortable thing. So I asked for help. I asked Sam to just take over for a few hours and get some errands done that had to be completed before I had time to fall apart. Because it was obvious there was going to be some falling apart.
And here's where being a multiple comes in really handy. Sam came out and functioned like a relatively normal, not-too-unhappy, functioning person. In fact, she was really productive and successful. No emotional breakdowns. After all, for her he was just an occasional playmate, who usually rocketed straight to Rubi and didn't entertain her long at all. So Sam was the only one really functioning for several hours. Thank you, Sam.
When we got home... honestly I don't remember getting home. The next thing I remember is watching my bedroom door open, and the Boss coming in, to see Kiara sitting on the floor with torn bits of paper all over the place. Someone had apparently started packing up everything that made us think about the Bear, and she had started ripping up a storybook about a bear. She was crying and snotty and needed hugging. And of course she got it. She was in and out for the rest of the evening, very sniffly and quiet and sad. It's terrible to see such a normally happy child so reserved. But she needed to process the pain and confusion of losing a relationship. Cherish was also in and out all evening, mostly as a balance to Kiara's emotion. She cleaned up the mess the kid made and put away all the offending belongings.
So the next reaction I'm waiting for is Rubi. The Bear has, in many ways, been Rubi's particular partner over and above anyone else. He played us at a level only she can take, of all of us. And he relished dragging her pain out of her until she couldn't fight him any more. She's had a few small reactions - handled with lots of sex and a little self-sacrifice by the Boss. But she hasn't been fully out, and I know there's going to be more, and I'm kind of worried that it hasn't hit yet. I've scheduled a session with someone that Rubi's played with before, tomorrow night. I'm hoping it gives her some catharsis. We need someone to hurt her before she hurts someone.
Breakup with The Bear [Me]
Okay, it's time to write, even though I really don't feel like it. But avoiding blogging has helped me clear a lot of stuff off my to-do list, so it's not all bad. My system's had a pretty heavy shock this week, and I'm avoiding dealing with the emotions involved.
I've ended things with the Bear, my sadist and sometime-dominant. We played together for about two years, but life has interfered to the point that we rarely get together at all. Add to that, he's now involved with a friend of mine, and doesn't seem to be able to be that close to both of us. I knew he is monogamously inclined, as he knew I am not. But whereas I have no trouble having a play relationship with him and a romantic one elsewhere, he doesn't seem to be able to split the two. And so, he has all but ignored my existence for several months, except when I've broken down and had a fit about it. And I fear that, should he give me a reasonable amount of attention, she won't be getting enough. He just isn't wired that way.
Unfortunately, I did see this coming; I even posted about it. But I have a bad habit of letting negative things drag out, hoping they will get better. This situation isn't getting any better, and I've been eating myself up inside over it for months. And the Boss has made me put an end to it. This week, he talked to me about it, and denied me permission to go to a party at the Bear's house. A party to which I would have gone, then come home miserable because I had been ignored again. Further, he said it was time to make the decision to end things and quit putting it off. And he was right. And I did. I wrote the Bear an email breaking things off definitively rather than just letting them fizzle out.
This is how the dominant/submissive relationship is supposed to play out. He didn't just decide on a whim that I should do something, and order it done. He isn't forcing me to change things in my life for his amusement. Instead, he's looking out for my well-being, and pushing me to make solid the decision I've been holding onto for way too long. He's helping me do what's right for me. That's what a dom is supposed to do. Now, because he does that, yes, sometimes he gets to make me do things for his own convenience or amusement. But those aren't the important interactions; ones like this one are the important ones.
I've ended things with the Bear, my sadist and sometime-dominant. We played together for about two years, but life has interfered to the point that we rarely get together at all. Add to that, he's now involved with a friend of mine, and doesn't seem to be able to be that close to both of us. I knew he is monogamously inclined, as he knew I am not. But whereas I have no trouble having a play relationship with him and a romantic one elsewhere, he doesn't seem to be able to split the two. And so, he has all but ignored my existence for several months, except when I've broken down and had a fit about it. And I fear that, should he give me a reasonable amount of attention, she won't be getting enough. He just isn't wired that way.
Unfortunately, I did see this coming; I even posted about it. But I have a bad habit of letting negative things drag out, hoping they will get better. This situation isn't getting any better, and I've been eating myself up inside over it for months. And the Boss has made me put an end to it. This week, he talked to me about it, and denied me permission to go to a party at the Bear's house. A party to which I would have gone, then come home miserable because I had been ignored again. Further, he said it was time to make the decision to end things and quit putting it off. And he was right. And I did. I wrote the Bear an email breaking things off definitively rather than just letting them fizzle out.
This is how the dominant/submissive relationship is supposed to play out. He didn't just decide on a whim that I should do something, and order it done. He isn't forcing me to change things in my life for his amusement. Instead, he's looking out for my well-being, and pushing me to make solid the decision I've been holding onto for way too long. He's helping me do what's right for me. That's what a dom is supposed to do. Now, because he does that, yes, sometimes he gets to make me do things for his own convenience or amusement. But those aren't the important interactions; ones like this one are the important ones.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Less Bright and Cheery [Me]
I feel like Kiara's been having a rough time lately. There have been a lot of changes in a little girl's world that might not be so happy. She still seems cheerful, but not nearly as before the big temper tantrum-lock out weekend. I'm going to guess that Paul was probably already starting to emerge then, but I wasn't aware of it.
But there have been a few changes lately that have had some impact on her. The first is our relationship(s) with our boyfriend. Six months ago, he was one of many friends I had, but he was Kiara's special guy that lit up her world. Because he was so important to her, pretty much any time with him got to be her time. Now we all want some of his time, we all have to share him. It means she gets more time with him, but she does have to share.
Another relationship, that with a former dom, has also impacted her. This is someone that we 'big girls' have played with, been friends with, been somewhat in love with. It terrified us to tell him we were multiple, but we did, and that was fine. Kiara finally got over being scared of him, enough to come out and get very close to him. Due to some things happening in his life, he's been unavailable for the last couple of months, and so just as she got over be afraid of him, he pretty much exited our life. Hopefully that's temporary.
And until the last couple of weeks, Kiara's been the only kid in the system. Now Paul's here. I said before it's like Mom & Dad bringing home a new big brother as a surprise. Not something most little kids handle really well.
But, she's adjusting. Because she has a little kid's resiliency. We'll see how it goes.
Oh, and she's decided to remain at the age of six when her birthday comes round in a few weeks.
But there have been a few changes lately that have had some impact on her. The first is our relationship(s) with our boyfriend. Six months ago, he was one of many friends I had, but he was Kiara's special guy that lit up her world. Because he was so important to her, pretty much any time with him got to be her time. Now we all want some of his time, we all have to share him. It means she gets more time with him, but she does have to share.
Another relationship, that with a former dom, has also impacted her. This is someone that we 'big girls' have played with, been friends with, been somewhat in love with. It terrified us to tell him we were multiple, but we did, and that was fine. Kiara finally got over being scared of him, enough to come out and get very close to him. Due to some things happening in his life, he's been unavailable for the last couple of months, and so just as she got over be afraid of him, he pretty much exited our life. Hopefully that's temporary.
And until the last couple of weeks, Kiara's been the only kid in the system. Now Paul's here. I said before it's like Mom & Dad bringing home a new big brother as a surprise. Not something most little kids handle really well.
But, she's adjusting. Because she has a little kid's resiliency. We'll see how it goes.
Oh, and she's decided to remain at the age of six when her birthday comes round in a few weeks.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Let's NOT Go To The Movies (Me, Lynn)
So it seems that watching movies may not be the best activity to promote internal peace for me. Earlier this week, I went to the movie theatre, and ended up having a pretty major mental break. Of course, it wasn't just the movie. Background first - a couple of my friends are about to get divorced. It's running fairly amicably, so far. They decided to go to the movie together, for some reason. Her... boyfriend, for lack of a better term, was going too. So when the husband called and invited me, I got the impression he might need someone there as a buffer, so I had to go. Well, I dragged along my boyfriend, and several other people showed up as well.
So there were several factors going into this thing - the tension between the divorcing couple, the tension between her boyfriend and her husband, and several people there that I had never met. Also, I had had a horrible day at work, so I was already feeling a bit tense and unhappy for myself. And I had had to reschedule plans already made for the evening in order to attend, which will often make me grumpy.
Added to that, my boyfriend expressed some concerns about me watching this particular movie. We were going to see Sucker Punch. If you haven't seen it/heard about it, it's got a lot of surreal qualities and abuse themes and it's dark and weird. And partly takes place in a mental institution. Remember my problems watching Dragonfly because it was in a hospital with the surreal feeling? Yeah, much much worse. So he was right; this was not a movie I should have seen.
Getting through the movie was a little twitchy, but not horrible. But when it was over, I just had a mental break. The last things I remember clearly were walking down the hallway at the theatre clutching my coke in front of me like a life preserver, and the clock in my truck reading 9:41, and a feeling like I needed to cry. The next thing I remember really clearly is going to work the next morning.
---
This is Counselor, now, and I'll have to write the remainder of this post for M, as she wasn't participating in the rest of the evening. The movie made us - as a sytem - profoundly uneasy. It was too violent for Kiara, enough sex to attract Sam, enough violence to attract Rubi, girls in sexy outfits that tickled Jarett's attention, and a clinical setting that both interested me and made Silent One twitch. The movie characters seemed to dissociate between one reality and the next rather freely, which triggered our system quite severely.
When we left the theater, M had already made plans to go to a friend's house afterward. So her boyfriend left, and everyone else left, leaving her/us alone in the parking lot. We sat in our vehicle for a while trying to either cry and get it out of our system or recover, but that wasn't happening. So we went driving for a while; taking the longest possible way our friend's house. We went approximately an hour out of our way, and were still quite shaky when we arrived. Sleep was out of the question at that point, so pizza was ordered and a kids' movie was put on. Kiara finally emerged for most of the movie, and through her we were able to eventually sleep.
I am considering putting a hold on all movie-watching for a while, as this makes two movies that have triggered negative episodes lately. However, all that does is push off dealing with the issues. So the alternative is to wach some potentially triggering movies, deliberately setting off any negative associations, with some controls in place. Having a kids' movie handy to watch afterward seems to be a valid mechanism for overwriting the negative experience. I'd like to have at least two people with us that can deal with any alters that emerge, and watch the suspect movies early in the day when there is plenty of time to recover before bedtime.
It has been several days now since the movie, and we're still a bit weepy and on edge. We've not slept well all week, but it's difficult to determine which is cause and which effect. So we'll push through. We'll spend as much time as possible with positive people around us, and ask for some compassionate moments with those people. And we'll stay busy as much as we can. If things go really well, perhaps we can get a good night's sleep - or two nights, even. Then we'll see if our moods even out.
So there were several factors going into this thing - the tension between the divorcing couple, the tension between her boyfriend and her husband, and several people there that I had never met. Also, I had had a horrible day at work, so I was already feeling a bit tense and unhappy for myself. And I had had to reschedule plans already made for the evening in order to attend, which will often make me grumpy.
Added to that, my boyfriend expressed some concerns about me watching this particular movie. We were going to see Sucker Punch. If you haven't seen it/heard about it, it's got a lot of surreal qualities and abuse themes and it's dark and weird. And partly takes place in a mental institution. Remember my problems watching Dragonfly because it was in a hospital with the surreal feeling? Yeah, much much worse. So he was right; this was not a movie I should have seen.
Getting through the movie was a little twitchy, but not horrible. But when it was over, I just had a mental break. The last things I remember clearly were walking down the hallway at the theatre clutching my coke in front of me like a life preserver, and the clock in my truck reading 9:41, and a feeling like I needed to cry. The next thing I remember really clearly is going to work the next morning.
---
This is Counselor, now, and I'll have to write the remainder of this post for M, as she wasn't participating in the rest of the evening. The movie made us - as a sytem - profoundly uneasy. It was too violent for Kiara, enough sex to attract Sam, enough violence to attract Rubi, girls in sexy outfits that tickled Jarett's attention, and a clinical setting that both interested me and made Silent One twitch. The movie characters seemed to dissociate between one reality and the next rather freely, which triggered our system quite severely.
When we left the theater, M had already made plans to go to a friend's house afterward. So her boyfriend left, and everyone else left, leaving her/us alone in the parking lot. We sat in our vehicle for a while trying to either cry and get it out of our system or recover, but that wasn't happening. So we went driving for a while; taking the longest possible way our friend's house. We went approximately an hour out of our way, and were still quite shaky when we arrived. Sleep was out of the question at that point, so pizza was ordered and a kids' movie was put on. Kiara finally emerged for most of the movie, and through her we were able to eventually sleep.
I am considering putting a hold on all movie-watching for a while, as this makes two movies that have triggered negative episodes lately. However, all that does is push off dealing with the issues. So the alternative is to wach some potentially triggering movies, deliberately setting off any negative associations, with some controls in place. Having a kids' movie handy to watch afterward seems to be a valid mechanism for overwriting the negative experience. I'd like to have at least two people with us that can deal with any alters that emerge, and watch the suspect movies early in the day when there is plenty of time to recover before bedtime.
It has been several days now since the movie, and we're still a bit weepy and on edge. We've not slept well all week, but it's difficult to determine which is cause and which effect. So we'll push through. We'll spend as much time as possible with positive people around us, and ask for some compassionate moments with those people. And we'll stay busy as much as we can. If things go really well, perhaps we can get a good night's sleep - or two nights, even. Then we'll see if our moods even out.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Multiply Polyamorous (Me)
As a singleton, I had tried a variety of relationship types for myself. I've been married twice, and never had a relationship outside my marriage (wish I could say the same for the husbands). I chose to go through six years of abstinence, trying to grow up and learn how to be a single adult before throwing someone else into the mix. And I've tried being serially monogomous - as it turns out, I end up being pretty fickle, tiring quickly of whomever I'm with. But now I'm reasonably comfortable declaring myself to be polyamorous. I definitely have room in my heart to care deeply for several distinct people in different types of relationships. I don't see myself being happy with only one partner, nor do I think it possible for one partner to meet the variety of needs I have.
And that's just me. There's several more people inside me to consider. What I consider prime 'boyfriend material' is just not going to appeal the same way to everyone else. I want someone who can be a friend, a partner in the things that I do, and a sex partner. But I need someone who is grown-up enough to take care of themselves, as well. Sam and I are the most similar, but she wants a partner in crime, someone she can play with, fight with, and yeah, have sex with. She needs someone who's tough enough to keep up with her. Rubi wants someone tough, too, but someone with a decided dark edge to their personality, someone who can make her suffer and enjoy it. She needs someone who can control her, keep her from getting too deep into the darkness. At the other end of the spectrum, Kiara wants a playmate, someone to snuggle with and be petted by. She needs someone to babysit her and protect her and encourage her.
So how could one boyfriend going to meet all those wants and needs? Is it fair - or even sane - to ask all that from one person? And how do we figure out who gets to be with him at any given time? I know that we, as a group, are incredibly demanding on a time and emotional basis. Does it not make more sense for each of us to have, or pursue, our own relationships? It's certainly necessary that anyone who has a relationship with one of us must be at least friendly with the others, because we don't shift to one persona and just stay there. But different people certainly get more of one of us than another. And different people will 'click' with one or another of us more strongly. Many friends we have tend to draw out one alter or another more. Kiara has her favorite people, Rubi has hers. And so does everyone else. We all want to hang out with our particular friends, though. A few examples...
My boyfriend still has to sometimes take care of childish Kiara, or deal with Rubi's sullen teen angst. But he's My boyfriend, and spends time with Me more than anyone else. He works just fine with any of us girls, and is learning more and more how to recognize and interact with each alter as they come out.
Then there's my Dom (BDSM term - dominant). I submit myself to him, and I have had a very powerful emotional - not romantic - connection to him. He has such a powerful strenth of will that he has no problems controlling Sam and Rubi and taking anything they want to try pushing him on. Kiara, however, is afraid of him, and won't interact directly with him.
But another person I see a lot of clicks very strongly with Kiara. She simply adores him - gets nearly giddy when she's with him. And I enjoy playing and flirting with him too - I would say we're 'romantically inclined friends'. But Sam and Rubi don't spend a lot of time with him because they can't fight back with him a lot. He doesn't appreciate being beat up on, and they get bored with being good for him.
Rubi has found someone to play with at the club that will take her down and make her suffer in all the ways she needs - and that means a curb on her natural self-destructive behaviors at home. Sam and I enjoy our play with him too, but once Rubi takes over is when that relationship really starts to heat up. And yet, he's proved himself direct enough that Kiara has no fear of him and will visit with him a little.
And then there's Jarett. My darling heterosexual male alter with all the wrong parts attached. I've been struggling with the concept of how he can have a fulfilling romantic relationship. Unfortunately, I don't go for girls; it would make things easier if I did, but there we are. Or if he liked boys, that would be great, but no. And he doesn't seem to be too thrilled with the BDSM stuff we girls are into, either. So he sits in the background and tries not to get caught ogling the ladies too often. Recently, a female friend of mine has been flirting with Jarett in particular. She knows I'm multiple, so we've talked a little about it, and we're gonna see what, if anything, develops. I expect it to be pretty weird, but I see no reason to deny Jarett the chance to try and have a relationship just like the rest of us. Hey, we all need a chance to screw up with the opposite sex, right? Or the same sex, if you prefer.
So obviously, just from the examples above - and there are others I could give - we four girls (Me, Sam, Rubi, and Kiara) are each polyamorous in nature. And we share well with each other most of the time, as well. I suspect Jarett is more likely to be monogomous in his own nature, though, along with being vanilla (not kinky) and heterosexual. That makes him the stuffy 'normal' one, right? Counselor doesn't seem to be interested in emotional/romantic relationships of her own, though who knows if that could change some time. But as a unit we are irretrievably polyamorous through necessity as well as natural inclinations.
So what about my partners? It's a joking sort of question, but with some truth to it. If someone has a relationship with two or more of us, does that make them polyamorous, even if they are only seeing us/me and no one outside my system? Most of the people mentioned above, or that could have been mentioned, were already poly when I met them. But it's an interesting question.
And that's just me. There's several more people inside me to consider. What I consider prime 'boyfriend material' is just not going to appeal the same way to everyone else. I want someone who can be a friend, a partner in the things that I do, and a sex partner. But I need someone who is grown-up enough to take care of themselves, as well. Sam and I are the most similar, but she wants a partner in crime, someone she can play with, fight with, and yeah, have sex with. She needs someone who's tough enough to keep up with her. Rubi wants someone tough, too, but someone with a decided dark edge to their personality, someone who can make her suffer and enjoy it. She needs someone who can control her, keep her from getting too deep into the darkness. At the other end of the spectrum, Kiara wants a playmate, someone to snuggle with and be petted by. She needs someone to babysit her and protect her and encourage her.
So how could one boyfriend going to meet all those wants and needs? Is it fair - or even sane - to ask all that from one person? And how do we figure out who gets to be with him at any given time? I know that we, as a group, are incredibly demanding on a time and emotional basis. Does it not make more sense for each of us to have, or pursue, our own relationships? It's certainly necessary that anyone who has a relationship with one of us must be at least friendly with the others, because we don't shift to one persona and just stay there. But different people certainly get more of one of us than another. And different people will 'click' with one or another of us more strongly. Many friends we have tend to draw out one alter or another more. Kiara has her favorite people, Rubi has hers. And so does everyone else. We all want to hang out with our particular friends, though. A few examples...
My boyfriend still has to sometimes take care of childish Kiara, or deal with Rubi's sullen teen angst. But he's My boyfriend, and spends time with Me more than anyone else. He works just fine with any of us girls, and is learning more and more how to recognize and interact with each alter as they come out.
Then there's my Dom (BDSM term - dominant). I submit myself to him, and I have had a very powerful emotional - not romantic - connection to him. He has such a powerful strenth of will that he has no problems controlling Sam and Rubi and taking anything they want to try pushing him on. Kiara, however, is afraid of him, and won't interact directly with him.
But another person I see a lot of clicks very strongly with Kiara. She simply adores him - gets nearly giddy when she's with him. And I enjoy playing and flirting with him too - I would say we're 'romantically inclined friends'. But Sam and Rubi don't spend a lot of time with him because they can't fight back with him a lot. He doesn't appreciate being beat up on, and they get bored with being good for him.
Rubi has found someone to play with at the club that will take her down and make her suffer in all the ways she needs - and that means a curb on her natural self-destructive behaviors at home. Sam and I enjoy our play with him too, but once Rubi takes over is when that relationship really starts to heat up. And yet, he's proved himself direct enough that Kiara has no fear of him and will visit with him a little.
And then there's Jarett. My darling heterosexual male alter with all the wrong parts attached. I've been struggling with the concept of how he can have a fulfilling romantic relationship. Unfortunately, I don't go for girls; it would make things easier if I did, but there we are. Or if he liked boys, that would be great, but no. And he doesn't seem to be too thrilled with the BDSM stuff we girls are into, either. So he sits in the background and tries not to get caught ogling the ladies too often. Recently, a female friend of mine has been flirting with Jarett in particular. She knows I'm multiple, so we've talked a little about it, and we're gonna see what, if anything, develops. I expect it to be pretty weird, but I see no reason to deny Jarett the chance to try and have a relationship just like the rest of us. Hey, we all need a chance to screw up with the opposite sex, right? Or the same sex, if you prefer.
So obviously, just from the examples above - and there are others I could give - we four girls (Me, Sam, Rubi, and Kiara) are each polyamorous in nature. And we share well with each other most of the time, as well. I suspect Jarett is more likely to be monogomous in his own nature, though, along with being vanilla (not kinky) and heterosexual. That makes him the stuffy 'normal' one, right? Counselor doesn't seem to be interested in emotional/romantic relationships of her own, though who knows if that could change some time. But as a unit we are irretrievably polyamorous through necessity as well as natural inclinations.
So what about my partners? It's a joking sort of question, but with some truth to it. If someone has a relationship with two or more of us, does that make them polyamorous, even if they are only seeing us/me and no one outside my system? Most of the people mentioned above, or that could have been mentioned, were already poly when I met them. But it's an interesting question.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Communication (Me)
It's come to my attention lately that a focus on communication is a pretty major underlying foundation in my life. I'm good at communicating; I do a lot of it. If anything, I'm guilty of over-communicating, telling people around me more than they want to know. But so many of the problems I see other people having are due to too little communication between them.
Of course, the most obvious spot for this is in relationships. And in the breakups, you really see where communications have been neglected. In the last six months, I've had two majorly traumatic breakups. The first one started off with him making the assumption that I had stepped out of boundaries we had agreed upon in our relationship. He started off stating that I was lying to him, then refused to talk on the phone to me at all. Guess what? This breakup was horrible. First things first, I hadn't stepped outside that boundary. If he'd simply asked about that, I could have told him so, and that would have been that. But he took what someone else had told him and went off half-cocked, and destroyed any chance we had of making things work. Emotionally, I was shattered - didn't even have the chance to defend myself. Now, I can barely be in the same room with the man. And he won't even meet my eyes and say 'hello' when we're forced together in a group.
The other breakup was this week. I was - and am - much more deeply attached to this man. He and I talked for a few hours about why he was breaking up with me. I understand it, even if I don't like it. Have I been emotionally crushed? Of course. But I haven't been raging and depressed and feeling like I'm going insane over it. Heck, he's even checked on me afterwards to make sure I'm handling it okay. And if we happen to be in a group of people together, we'll be okay. I'll hug him hello and talk to him. I may have to excuse myself to go to the bathroom and cry a little, but I'll be okay. Because we talked. A lot. And I'll survive.
In the kink world, we talk a lot about communication being even more important than in regular relationships. After all, if you don't communicate about the kind of stuff we do, someone could get actually hurt. Health issues, injuries, mental triggers - you have to talk about this kind of stuff. Which means a great deal of self-introspection is in order. That doesn't mean it always happens, though. But if you don't delve into your own psyche, and pay close attention to your physical self, how can you tell your partner or partners what's going on with you? And thus, this blog. This is me, examining myself. Myselves. Ourself?
Yeah, communication is important internally, too. The six of us active alters have got to talk to each other. When one of needs something, the rest of us have got to pay attention to that and deal with it. If I'm getting depressed - say, over a breakup this week - and I don't pay attention to that, it's going to come out somewhere. I could turn my unhappiness over to Rubi - and then I need to get into a fight with someone, or have some really aggressive sex, or she might do some cutting. Or I could turn it over to Sam - and she'll overwhelm it by teasing and picking on friends and whooping it up, trying to party the blues away. Or Kiara might get it, and hide at home coloring page after page. But if I don't ask one of my alters to help me - or even several; we can all chip away at the unhappiness a little bit - then it's still going to come out. It might affect my work or my friendships. It will come out one way or the other.
Of course, the most obvious spot for this is in relationships. And in the breakups, you really see where communications have been neglected. In the last six months, I've had two majorly traumatic breakups. The first one started off with him making the assumption that I had stepped out of boundaries we had agreed upon in our relationship. He started off stating that I was lying to him, then refused to talk on the phone to me at all. Guess what? This breakup was horrible. First things first, I hadn't stepped outside that boundary. If he'd simply asked about that, I could have told him so, and that would have been that. But he took what someone else had told him and went off half-cocked, and destroyed any chance we had of making things work. Emotionally, I was shattered - didn't even have the chance to defend myself. Now, I can barely be in the same room with the man. And he won't even meet my eyes and say 'hello' when we're forced together in a group.
The other breakup was this week. I was - and am - much more deeply attached to this man. He and I talked for a few hours about why he was breaking up with me. I understand it, even if I don't like it. Have I been emotionally crushed? Of course. But I haven't been raging and depressed and feeling like I'm going insane over it. Heck, he's even checked on me afterwards to make sure I'm handling it okay. And if we happen to be in a group of people together, we'll be okay. I'll hug him hello and talk to him. I may have to excuse myself to go to the bathroom and cry a little, but I'll be okay. Because we talked. A lot. And I'll survive.
In the kink world, we talk a lot about communication being even more important than in regular relationships. After all, if you don't communicate about the kind of stuff we do, someone could get actually hurt. Health issues, injuries, mental triggers - you have to talk about this kind of stuff. Which means a great deal of self-introspection is in order. That doesn't mean it always happens, though. But if you don't delve into your own psyche, and pay close attention to your physical self, how can you tell your partner or partners what's going on with you? And thus, this blog. This is me, examining myself. Myselves. Ourself?
Yeah, communication is important internally, too. The six of us active alters have got to talk to each other. When one of needs something, the rest of us have got to pay attention to that and deal with it. If I'm getting depressed - say, over a breakup this week - and I don't pay attention to that, it's going to come out somewhere. I could turn my unhappiness over to Rubi - and then I need to get into a fight with someone, or have some really aggressive sex, or she might do some cutting. Or I could turn it over to Sam - and she'll overwhelm it by teasing and picking on friends and whooping it up, trying to party the blues away. Or Kiara might get it, and hide at home coloring page after page. But if I don't ask one of my alters to help me - or even several; we can all chip away at the unhappiness a little bit - then it's still going to come out. It might affect my work or my friendships. It will come out one way or the other.
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