I'm going through some rough times right now, and I expect the next few days to continue to be tense. It'll get better after that, but right now it's hard.
Boss and I have both resigned from the Education Committee at the club. It's time for that committee to evolve a bit, and a lot of the reasons why we needed to be on it are no longer there. Boss has been too busy at work to really participate anyway. And I was feeling burnt out when it started - two and a half years ago. So I'm going to drop down to just teaching. It's a positive move, but I'm a little sad about it.
The big change things, though, are related to the moving and breaking up that started last April. MK and I broke up, but he continued living in the upstairs bedroom as a roommate. It's been strained and awkward the whole time. So when Boss and I finally moved into a new place last month, just the two of us, that finally brought us several steps closer to being really actually separate. I never really had any 'closure' or moment of breaking up with MK, and I'm not going to get it. Because we didn't have a big fight - our break up came about because he just stopped talking to me for three weeks because his feelings were hurt. Turns out the cold shoulder just completely freezes me. So three weeks later, when we trapped him before he could run upstairs and avoid us, I asked him, "So are we done, or what?" His response was, "I guess so." Yeah, that was our big closing argument. So no fight, no discussion, no reasons why even, and then his 'working on moving out' dragged on for nine months. We didn't end things, they just got ignored until they withered. The whole things leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
But that's not all. Because he's still living in the place we all rented. He was going to be out the first week of February, then mid-February, then by last weekend. Our lease ends today. Our stuff's out, but when we went this weekend to clean the place before turning it over to the landlord, we found that he had barely started packing, and all of his things were scattered and spread out even more than before we moved. His big plan is to move everything out today after work, and move into his new place tomorrow. I told him directly that I don't believe he will get everything out and get it cleaned by tonight. But what happens if he doesn't? Do I negotiate with the landlord to come in tomorrow after work and clean it? Do we just turn it over as is? Technically, MK should work with the landlord about renting it for an extended period of time. But we all know that won't happen. Boss and I are on the same lease that MK is, that obligates us and ties up getting our security deposit back. I know tonight's going to be awful, and I'm afraid we've been blackmailed into helping him move and then staying up all night cleaning.
I'm so angry at MK for putting me in this position. Angry at him for always failing to communicate with me. Angry at him for ignoring our relationship to death. Angry that he wouldn't go away when it was over. Angry that he still hasn't moved out even with the lease ending. Angry that I'm going to end up having to pick up after him. Angry that I'm not even going to get to say goodbye to someone that I did love and spent several years of my life with. And I'm angry that he's not going to be in my life anymore, as difficult as being even friends with him can be.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Monday, February 29, 2016
Monday, June 29, 2015
The Dam Has Broken [Me]
It seems the dam has broken. I wish I understood it better. But I feel like we have an improvement.
MK hasn't spoken to me or Boss since the beginning of April, except short grunts and answers to direct questions. He's stomped angrily past us whenever he's moved through the house. After several weeks of that, we dragged him into a household conversation, where he confirmed that my relationship with him is over, and indicated that he would look for a place to move out to. He's continued to be angry and cold.
Yesterday, the MK that I have always enjoyed and liked came downstairs and started showing off something he had worked on. He acted like everything was fine - and had always been fine. Now remember that he is a multiple also. His personality switches have always been longer-term than mine, lasting days of weeks instead of hours, more often than not. And here's the MK that I can deal with. But too late. I'm still angry over the last three months of ill treatment, and now I'm angry that he can just drop into acting like nothing was ever wrong. As a roommate, though, this alter is infinitely preferable, so I hope this switch lasts for a while.
It just goes to show that multiples in relationships with multiples are just as likely to bust as relationships between singletons. I think the strength of my relationship with Boss is that each of my alters has a relationship with several, if not all, of his alters. My relationship with MK and Boss's relationship with Metamour were both centered around one alter of each system, and the rest were more incidental.
Anyway, I just hope that the MK we saw yesterday stays around for a while. Maybe it's too much to hope that he'll sit down and talk to me, but at least I won't catch myself flinching when he storms by.
MK hasn't spoken to me or Boss since the beginning of April, except short grunts and answers to direct questions. He's stomped angrily past us whenever he's moved through the house. After several weeks of that, we dragged him into a household conversation, where he confirmed that my relationship with him is over, and indicated that he would look for a place to move out to. He's continued to be angry and cold.
Yesterday, the MK that I have always enjoyed and liked came downstairs and started showing off something he had worked on. He acted like everything was fine - and had always been fine. Now remember that he is a multiple also. His personality switches have always been longer-term than mine, lasting days of weeks instead of hours, more often than not. And here's the MK that I can deal with. But too late. I'm still angry over the last three months of ill treatment, and now I'm angry that he can just drop into acting like nothing was ever wrong. As a roommate, though, this alter is infinitely preferable, so I hope this switch lasts for a while.
It just goes to show that multiples in relationships with multiples are just as likely to bust as relationships between singletons. I think the strength of my relationship with Boss is that each of my alters has a relationship with several, if not all, of his alters. My relationship with MK and Boss's relationship with Metamour were both centered around one alter of each system, and the rest were more incidental.
Anyway, I just hope that the MK we saw yesterday stays around for a while. Maybe it's too much to hope that he'll sit down and talk to me, but at least I won't catch myself flinching when he storms by.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Location and Relocation [Me]
It occurred to me this week that the whole first half of this year has been, and continues to be, about residences, in some way or another. There's been a lot happen that all had to do with where people are located.
We started the year off with Boss losing his job, and finding one in Washington DC. That started off a huge mega-conversation about who was going to DC with him and who wasn't, and what we could do and should do and would do. Part of that conversation resulted in the realization that I wasn't willing to move out of state right now. Another part pointed out the fact, in stark detail, that Metamour and Boss's relationship really was over. At the time, my relationship with MK was much stronger than my relationship with Boss. And then he found and accepted a job in town, which changed the plans, but not what we had all learned.
The next big thing was selling my old house. I hadn't lived in the house for a while, but the expense of keeping it, and the mental toll it was taking on me, was a major factor. When I sold the house, I suddenly had a much better income/expense outlook. Because of that, and with Boss's new job, we were able to adjust the family money flow so that what we put into the household was a lot more fair. Both Boss and I would have more discretionary income than we had been able to have. That meant getting some savings and being a lot more financially secure, for both of us.
Selling my house also meant that my daughter came to 'couch-surf' at our house. She's living out of a suitcase, sleeping in Kiara & Paul's playroom upstairs while she saves up money and looks for an apartment. (Which means we now have five people in our house.)
Now Metamour's moving out. Honestly, that nickname isn't really an accurate name to call her anymore, since she and Boss officially called it 'Done' back in February. But I'm continuing to use it for continuity. Anyway, with the new discretionary income, Boss and I have been able to pull together some money to help her get started on her own. So she found an apartment, and she got hooked into a program that's going to help her get some job training. She moves tomorrow. It's really exciting, because it means turning the page to the next stage of life, for all of us. (And then there will be four.)
Once Metamour has an apartment, it'll be the daughter's turn to get one. It's getting to her, having all of her stuff in storage, so I expect her to be moving into a place pretty soon. (And then there will be three.)
After all that, we'll be down to Boss, myself, and MK. And it'll be time to force some sort of confrontation with him. Will he move downstairs to work on a three-person relationship? Will he move out entirely? Will he stay upstairs as 'my ex-b/f roommate'? I have no idea what's going to happen with him next.
We started the year off with Boss losing his job, and finding one in Washington DC. That started off a huge mega-conversation about who was going to DC with him and who wasn't, and what we could do and should do and would do. Part of that conversation resulted in the realization that I wasn't willing to move out of state right now. Another part pointed out the fact, in stark detail, that Metamour and Boss's relationship really was over. At the time, my relationship with MK was much stronger than my relationship with Boss. And then he found and accepted a job in town, which changed the plans, but not what we had all learned.
The next big thing was selling my old house. I hadn't lived in the house for a while, but the expense of keeping it, and the mental toll it was taking on me, was a major factor. When I sold the house, I suddenly had a much better income/expense outlook. Because of that, and with Boss's new job, we were able to adjust the family money flow so that what we put into the household was a lot more fair. Both Boss and I would have more discretionary income than we had been able to have. That meant getting some savings and being a lot more financially secure, for both of us.
Selling my house also meant that my daughter came to 'couch-surf' at our house. She's living out of a suitcase, sleeping in Kiara & Paul's playroom upstairs while she saves up money and looks for an apartment. (Which means we now have five people in our house.)
Now Metamour's moving out. Honestly, that nickname isn't really an accurate name to call her anymore, since she and Boss officially called it 'Done' back in February. But I'm continuing to use it for continuity. Anyway, with the new discretionary income, Boss and I have been able to pull together some money to help her get started on her own. So she found an apartment, and she got hooked into a program that's going to help her get some job training. She moves tomorrow. It's really exciting, because it means turning the page to the next stage of life, for all of us. (And then there will be four.)
Once Metamour has an apartment, it'll be the daughter's turn to get one. It's getting to her, having all of her stuff in storage, so I expect her to be moving into a place pretty soon. (And then there will be three.)
After all that, we'll be down to Boss, myself, and MK. And it'll be time to force some sort of confrontation with him. Will he move downstairs to work on a three-person relationship? Will he move out entirely? Will he stay upstairs as 'my ex-b/f roommate'? I have no idea what's going to happen with him next.
Incidentally, my non-bio daughter, who does not live with us, is also moving - next week. So we'll be helping her do some moving stuff too, probably. Also, the BDSM club we teach and play at has moved this year as well. Which has resulted in a fair bit of juggling schedules and addresses. Nothing major, but one more thing.
So the first half of 2015 has about location and relocation. I hope it's just the first half of the year. I'd love for the second half of the year to be a bit more stable. Maybe it could be about improving financials - paying off debts, saving money, and such. Wouldn't that be nice?
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Are Two Multiples in a Relationship Still Considered a Couple? [Me]
Metamour has found an apartment and is moving out this weekend. My daughter is starting to look pretty seriously at a couple different places. And I've definitely crossed the line to considering my relationship with MK done.
It's a weird way to end a relationship. I mean, I've gone through some relationships, so I've gone through some breakups. I've had two divorces. And I've always at least known when the end occurred. I've been dumped by text. I've come home to find he's moved out. I've even been told by the new girlfriend. But I've never had a relationship just... ignored to death.
I'm really pleased to see how little this has messed with the system in my head. Both of the kids have been out about as much as normal. Paul's recently gotten a LOT of new Legos, so he and Kiara have been building up and taking apart and sorting and storing on an almost daily basis. Kiara was out for supper last night; not for any particular reason, but just because, and she was cheerful and nice. Rubi had a scene at the club last weekend, and it went great. Sam's even poked her head out (and her tongue) a few times recently that I've been aware of.
So yeah, things are progressing. Now, after Metamour gets moved out, dealing with MK is next. The original plan is that he was going to move into her room - so that he would be more accessible and there would be more interaction between the three of us, and we could work on our relationship of three... I'm guessing that won't be happening that way. Once she's out, then I'll take him on. One thing at a time.
It's a weird way to end a relationship. I mean, I've gone through some relationships, so I've gone through some breakups. I've had two divorces. And I've always at least known when the end occurred. I've been dumped by text. I've come home to find he's moved out. I've even been told by the new girlfriend. But I've never had a relationship just... ignored to death.
I'm really pleased to see how little this has messed with the system in my head. Both of the kids have been out about as much as normal. Paul's recently gotten a LOT of new Legos, so he and Kiara have been building up and taking apart and sorting and storing on an almost daily basis. Kiara was out for supper last night; not for any particular reason, but just because, and she was cheerful and nice. Rubi had a scene at the club last weekend, and it went great. Sam's even poked her head out (and her tongue) a few times recently that I've been aware of.
So yeah, things are progressing. Now, after Metamour gets moved out, dealing with MK is next. The original plan is that he was going to move into her room - so that he would be more accessible and there would be more interaction between the three of us, and we could work on our relationship of three... I'm guessing that won't be happening that way. Once she's out, then I'll take him on. One thing at a time.
Monday, April 27, 2015
I Think It's Over? [Me]
It's pretty much been a month since MK and I have spent any kind of good time together. He has started talking to Metamour and my daughter, so I have some trickle of information. It sounds like he's mad at me for not spending enough time with him. So to punish me, he's cut me off cold and refuses to spend any time with me. Yeah, you read that right.
I'm fed up with this cold-shoulder-silent-treatment crap. That's no way for any kind of grownup to deal with another grownup. Relationships require communication, which is something he and I have always struggled with. He wants more time with me; I want him to talk to me and to be able to talk to him. I've worked hard to be patient with him through this episode, but it's been close enough to a month now. I'm done.
Heck, maybe he's already decided we've broken up. Of course, he hasn't told me this. But he has. I'm a lot closer to the Metamour than to him at this point, and most of that is bonding over her moving out! So the real question now is whether he's moving out or transitioning to 'roommate'. I've looked in his room; he's not packed anything up or anything. So I'm assuming he's now a roommate. I guess we'll see if he says anything when he pays his rent this weekend.
I was patient for a long time, trying to give him time to work through his fit. I fought off being depressed about it like I usually am. And I was unexpectedly pretty successful. I can only rip my own heart out over the same thing so many times before I stop and wait to see what happens if I don't. Apparently the silence becomes status quo. Fine. I'm done. I've gotten depressed and angry and sad. Now I'm going to push it aside and deal with the things in my life I can do something with.
On the other hand, Boss and I are doing much better. Some of that's because he doesn't have jealousy opportunities with MK. Some of it's because Metamour is actively working on moving out. A lot of it's because he's making a huge effort to be supportive and loving and playful and sweet with me.
And I'm trying to return it. I'm not good at it, turns out, but I'm trying. I am a selfish person - I tell people this and they don't believe me, but I know this is true. It's all about me. Well, isn't that true for everyone? If you pay attention to me, I pay it back. If you ignore me, I go do something else.
So here we are. In January, we were a poly-quad family. Now we're apparently a couple, with his ex-girlfriend and my newly-ex-boyfriend and my daughter all living with us. Sounds like some kind of reality show. Not a good one.
I'm fed up with this cold-shoulder-silent-treatment crap. That's no way for any kind of grownup to deal with another grownup. Relationships require communication, which is something he and I have always struggled with. He wants more time with me; I want him to talk to me and to be able to talk to him. I've worked hard to be patient with him through this episode, but it's been close enough to a month now. I'm done.
Heck, maybe he's already decided we've broken up. Of course, he hasn't told me this. But he has. I'm a lot closer to the Metamour than to him at this point, and most of that is bonding over her moving out! So the real question now is whether he's moving out or transitioning to 'roommate'. I've looked in his room; he's not packed anything up or anything. So I'm assuming he's now a roommate. I guess we'll see if he says anything when he pays his rent this weekend.
I was patient for a long time, trying to give him time to work through his fit. I fought off being depressed about it like I usually am. And I was unexpectedly pretty successful. I can only rip my own heart out over the same thing so many times before I stop and wait to see what happens if I don't. Apparently the silence becomes status quo. Fine. I'm done. I've gotten depressed and angry and sad. Now I'm going to push it aside and deal with the things in my life I can do something with.
On the other hand, Boss and I are doing much better. Some of that's because he doesn't have jealousy opportunities with MK. Some of it's because Metamour is actively working on moving out. A lot of it's because he's making a huge effort to be supportive and loving and playful and sweet with me.
And I'm trying to return it. I'm not good at it, turns out, but I'm trying. I am a selfish person - I tell people this and they don't believe me, but I know this is true. It's all about me. Well, isn't that true for everyone? If you pay attention to me, I pay it back. If you ignore me, I go do something else.
So here we are. In January, we were a poly-quad family. Now we're apparently a couple, with his ex-girlfriend and my newly-ex-boyfriend and my daughter all living with us. Sounds like some kind of reality show. Not a good one.
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Status Update (Me)
Catching up again. I keep catching up so that I can then post about something I want to talk about, but I don't seem to get past the catching up. Maybe this time?
No big changes in my head. Sam and Rubi came out to play at the club this past weekend (I'm finally healthy enough to play reasonably again!), and Paul and Kiara come out from time to time, though not nearly as much as they used to. Glass is still there in the background, and that seems to be it.
The dental work is done - I had two teeth pulled, and I've recovered from that. MK has been having some dental work too, and he's about done - including two teeth pulled. Boss started his new job, and once the health benefits kick in, he can get his dental work done.
One reason that we've been able to get the dental stuff worked on is that there is more money in the household, because I SOLD THE HOUSE! After almost a year on the market, I'm no longer paying a mortgage on a house I don't live in. That's had a lot of trickle-down effects on us. First, the money to do the dental work. Second, my daughter lost her place to stay, so she's camping at our house, in Paul and Kiara's room upstairs. That could be contributing to their being out less, maybe? I don't know. Third, we've rebalanced how much money each of us is contributing to the Household pot. Which means Boss gets some fiscal relief, too.
He'll need the extra money to buy a car before long. He's driving my truck for now to the new job, which seems to be working out just fine. It does mean he leaves much earlier in the day and comes home later, and I don't get to carpool with him. That's taken away some 'together-time' that we really could use. We're still struggling to redefine our relationship without a collar involved, as well as our/the three of us relationship.
Metamour is still working on getting out. She thought she had a job, but then spent a week in the hospital and had surgery and all. She's recovering well, and should be much healthier than she has been, but the initial job is now unsuitable for her. The first goal was for her to move out by the first of April, and she hasn't, but we didn't really expect to make that goal. She is doing a lot of searching for jobs and apartments, however, and seems to be genuinely trying.
The biggest worry I have right now is MK. Boss and I are arguing a good bit, and because of that I'm focusing a lot on trying to fix some of those issues, and in the meantime I'm ignoring MK way more than is fair. However, the fights Boss and I are having are more airing of grievances between equals than they were before, and I feel like we're struggling instead of just plain failing. I'm not as depressed, just frustrated. The good side of the relationship stuff is that MK and Boss and I are all going out as a group of three more often. Usually to the movies, but that usually means a meal before or after as well. I do find that encouraging.
I think that as Metamour does eventually get moved out, and my daughter gets a place of her own, the three of us are beginning to have a chance to work. So I'm still feeling hopeful overall, even if I have moments of feeling doomed and failing.
No big changes in my head. Sam and Rubi came out to play at the club this past weekend (I'm finally healthy enough to play reasonably again!), and Paul and Kiara come out from time to time, though not nearly as much as they used to. Glass is still there in the background, and that seems to be it.
The dental work is done - I had two teeth pulled, and I've recovered from that. MK has been having some dental work too, and he's about done - including two teeth pulled. Boss started his new job, and once the health benefits kick in, he can get his dental work done.
One reason that we've been able to get the dental stuff worked on is that there is more money in the household, because I SOLD THE HOUSE! After almost a year on the market, I'm no longer paying a mortgage on a house I don't live in. That's had a lot of trickle-down effects on us. First, the money to do the dental work. Second, my daughter lost her place to stay, so she's camping at our house, in Paul and Kiara's room upstairs. That could be contributing to their being out less, maybe? I don't know. Third, we've rebalanced how much money each of us is contributing to the Household pot. Which means Boss gets some fiscal relief, too.
He'll need the extra money to buy a car before long. He's driving my truck for now to the new job, which seems to be working out just fine. It does mean he leaves much earlier in the day and comes home later, and I don't get to carpool with him. That's taken away some 'together-time' that we really could use. We're still struggling to redefine our relationship without a collar involved, as well as our/the three of us relationship.
Metamour is still working on getting out. She thought she had a job, but then spent a week in the hospital and had surgery and all. She's recovering well, and should be much healthier than she has been, but the initial job is now unsuitable for her. The first goal was for her to move out by the first of April, and she hasn't, but we didn't really expect to make that goal. She is doing a lot of searching for jobs and apartments, however, and seems to be genuinely trying.
The biggest worry I have right now is MK. Boss and I are arguing a good bit, and because of that I'm focusing a lot on trying to fix some of those issues, and in the meantime I'm ignoring MK way more than is fair. However, the fights Boss and I are having are more airing of grievances between equals than they were before, and I feel like we're struggling instead of just plain failing. I'm not as depressed, just frustrated. The good side of the relationship stuff is that MK and Boss and I are all going out as a group of three more often. Usually to the movies, but that usually means a meal before or after as well. I do find that encouraging.
I think that as Metamour does eventually get moved out, and my daughter gets a place of her own, the three of us are beginning to have a chance to work. So I'm still feeling hopeful overall, even if I have moments of feeling doomed and failing.
Monday, February 9, 2015
Resolutions, Not the New Years Kind (Me)
It's time to catch my readers up on what's going on. There are a number of situations that have impacted us lately that all seem to have been resolved or moving quickly toward a resolution. I feel like things are going to start getting better from this point on. Here's hoping.
Glass seems to be sticking around, but just in the background. Paul and Kiara have both been out a little bit lately; not back to normal, but enough that I'm not worried about them. Sam and Rubi haven't really been out, but I can hear them around inside. So we're back to six people for now.
I'm still dealing with dental work. We made two attempts at the root canal, and couldn't get it through. So we're having the tooth pulled, along with another that was slated for extraction. That'll be this Friday, and then that should be the end of things going on with my teeth, I hope.
I mentioned before that Boss lost his job about a month ago. There were a couple of jobs out of town that he was looking at; and I had already decided I wasn't willing to move out of town if he took them. So we were scared that the job thing was going to force us to break up. Well, last Friday he accepted a new job, and it's in town. So all the stress that goes with unemployment is handled. There may be a week or two break in the income stream, but we've already prepared for that.
Now, this means that Boss is going to need a car. I have a second vehicle, a truck, but my daughter has been driving it. Well, she bought a car this weekend, so we'll have the truck back. It's not a good choice for Boss to drive to/from work forever, but it'll do just fine for a while. Timing sometimes works out really well.
As part of the discussions about out-of-town jobs, MK and I talked a lot about whether he and I and Boss were a viable relationship. Even if Boss took a job in town, all of us splitting up and moving out separately was an option we were looking at. And we had to wait for a job to be picked up before we could really make any decisions. The three of us have decided to keep pushing to make things work. Knowing that we are all three committed to that really eases my mind and gives me some hope that we can succeed. I'm feeling pretty good about things in that realm now.
Part of what we have to work on is the change in my relationship with Boss. A few weeks back, just before the job loss was announced, I think, I decided I could no longer wear Boss's collar. I have tried to be his submissive, but I felt like I was failing at it all the time. I think part of that comes from losing Cherish and Stephanie, and even Gracelyn. So we are going to try being boyfriend and girlfriend (and boyfriend) instead. This is new territory for us, but hopefully this will turn into something where we all feel like we're succeeding more.
Now, I did say the three of us, and there are four people in our family. It's been decided that the Metamour will be transitioning out of our household over the next few months. That relationship has just not proved to be salvageable, so we're working on changing that. So now she's doing the job search thing, and trying to plan out what she's going to be doing instead. That has the potential to turn into a lot of stress in the household, but we're all going to help her as much as we can reasonably do so.
Oh, and I'm finally over the Yearly Ick. With all the situations beginning to resolve, the despair and hopelessness and depression is lifting. So things are looking up, and I think they'll continue to do so.
Glass seems to be sticking around, but just in the background. Paul and Kiara have both been out a little bit lately; not back to normal, but enough that I'm not worried about them. Sam and Rubi haven't really been out, but I can hear them around inside. So we're back to six people for now.
I'm still dealing with dental work. We made two attempts at the root canal, and couldn't get it through. So we're having the tooth pulled, along with another that was slated for extraction. That'll be this Friday, and then that should be the end of things going on with my teeth, I hope.
I mentioned before that Boss lost his job about a month ago. There were a couple of jobs out of town that he was looking at; and I had already decided I wasn't willing to move out of town if he took them. So we were scared that the job thing was going to force us to break up. Well, last Friday he accepted a new job, and it's in town. So all the stress that goes with unemployment is handled. There may be a week or two break in the income stream, but we've already prepared for that.
Now, this means that Boss is going to need a car. I have a second vehicle, a truck, but my daughter has been driving it. Well, she bought a car this weekend, so we'll have the truck back. It's not a good choice for Boss to drive to/from work forever, but it'll do just fine for a while. Timing sometimes works out really well.
As part of the discussions about out-of-town jobs, MK and I talked a lot about whether he and I and Boss were a viable relationship. Even if Boss took a job in town, all of us splitting up and moving out separately was an option we were looking at. And we had to wait for a job to be picked up before we could really make any decisions. The three of us have decided to keep pushing to make things work. Knowing that we are all three committed to that really eases my mind and gives me some hope that we can succeed. I'm feeling pretty good about things in that realm now.
Part of what we have to work on is the change in my relationship with Boss. A few weeks back, just before the job loss was announced, I think, I decided I could no longer wear Boss's collar. I have tried to be his submissive, but I felt like I was failing at it all the time. I think part of that comes from losing Cherish and Stephanie, and even Gracelyn. So we are going to try being boyfriend and girlfriend (and boyfriend) instead. This is new territory for us, but hopefully this will turn into something where we all feel like we're succeeding more.
Now, I did say the three of us, and there are four people in our family. It's been decided that the Metamour will be transitioning out of our household over the next few months. That relationship has just not proved to be salvageable, so we're working on changing that. So now she's doing the job search thing, and trying to plan out what she's going to be doing instead. That has the potential to turn into a lot of stress in the household, but we're all going to help her as much as we can reasonably do so.
Oh, and I'm finally over the Yearly Ick. With all the situations beginning to resolve, the despair and hopelessness and depression is lifting. So things are looking up, and I think they'll continue to do so.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Littles' Party
No more posts recently because we've been completely unhappy. Relationships are falling apart; Boss lost his job; we've all been sick; I have both a tooth extraction and a root canal coming up. I don't know what's happening or going to happen. So I'll try to write about just the multiplicity part.
Since about Christmas, I've been sick. I call it my 'Yearly Ick', because I get it around the holidays each year.When I'm sick, nobody wants to come out in the body. When I'm fighting with Boss, nobody wants to come out and be around him. So I've been very much alone in the body for weeks now. In the last week or so, I've finally started to feel healthy enough that some alters will sneak out for short bursts. I have a video game on my tablet that Paul seems to like a lot. Kiara's got new toys since Christmas, as well as a new mattress in their room upstairs. So she's been out some. Sam came out just long enough to tease MK about something - poorly, because he didn't know it was her and it was about a sensitive subject - which lead to me having to offer an apology. She really doesn't know how to interact with him well.
But last night there was a Littles' Party at the club, and Kiara was definitely excited about it. All week, she's been coming out closer and closer to the front, letting me know what she planned to wear and what she wanted to take with her. When both MK and Boss indicated they'd like to go, well... new fighting, but it was resolved. So we all went. And almost had no kids at all.
The party hostess for the night is someone that seems to really want to be bestest friends with each of my alters and each of Boss's. However, most of us really just don't like her. She tries too hard. It feels like she wants to be friends with us just to be able to say, "Well, I'm close friends with several multiples, and..." So as we came in the door, all as our primary selves, carrying bags and needing to check in, she off and greets our littles by name, Kiara and Boss's little too. Since neither of them were out, but were all excited inside because they new they were coming to a party, it was really triggery. Kiara almost refused to come out at all at that point. I knew that wouldn't last, so we just got dressed in her clothes and let her calm down. But Boss's little is pretty shy anyway, so I knew that would be bad for him. Either way, everyone managed to have a low-key good time and play some.
Since about Christmas, I've been sick. I call it my 'Yearly Ick', because I get it around the holidays each year.When I'm sick, nobody wants to come out in the body. When I'm fighting with Boss, nobody wants to come out and be around him. So I've been very much alone in the body for weeks now. In the last week or so, I've finally started to feel healthy enough that some alters will sneak out for short bursts. I have a video game on my tablet that Paul seems to like a lot. Kiara's got new toys since Christmas, as well as a new mattress in their room upstairs. So she's been out some. Sam came out just long enough to tease MK about something - poorly, because he didn't know it was her and it was about a sensitive subject - which lead to me having to offer an apology. She really doesn't know how to interact with him well.
But last night there was a Littles' Party at the club, and Kiara was definitely excited about it. All week, she's been coming out closer and closer to the front, letting me know what she planned to wear and what she wanted to take with her. When both MK and Boss indicated they'd like to go, well... new fighting, but it was resolved. So we all went. And almost had no kids at all.
The party hostess for the night is someone that seems to really want to be bestest friends with each of my alters and each of Boss's. However, most of us really just don't like her. She tries too hard. It feels like she wants to be friends with us just to be able to say, "Well, I'm close friends with several multiples, and..." So as we came in the door, all as our primary selves, carrying bags and needing to check in, she off and greets our littles by name, Kiara and Boss's little too. Since neither of them were out, but were all excited inside because they new they were coming to a party, it was really triggery. Kiara almost refused to come out at all at that point. I knew that wouldn't last, so we just got dressed in her clothes and let her calm down. But Boss's little is pretty shy anyway, so I knew that would be bad for him. Either way, everyone managed to have a low-key good time and play some.
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Fighting Continues [Me]
There have been so many stresses lately. If I'm not fighting with boyfriend, I'm fighting with the other. Oddly enough, I almost never fight with the Metamour, even though she's technically the prickliest person in the house. Probably because I'm not having sex with her. She and I don't have any claims on one another's time, so we hang out when we're together, and we're fine when we aren't. Easiest relationship.
I wish my relationship with either Boss or MK were more like that. Easy, I mean. Spending time together when it works. Loving each other from afar when it doesn't. But in order to be 'fair' to everyone, we schedule time. And nobody likes the schedule. Boss doesn't want me away from him when I'm scheduled to be with MK. MK wants more time with me somewhere. I feel like I don't have any time to myself except when I sneak it away from someone else. Nobody's happy.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Pissed Off beats Pissed On [Me]
You know what pushes back depression for me? Being pissed off at whatever I was depressed about. It doesn't stop the sadness, but it sure pushes it out of the way for a while.
The current target of my depression-turned-to-anger is MK. Lately he's been willing to have conversation with Boss and Metamour, but when I try to engage him, I get a quick monosyllable and he retreats to his room. Date Night last week didn't happen, because he worked late and then didn't want to be around anybody when he did make it home. This has been going on for about two weeks now. I stopped him and called him on it once; his defense is that work is really stressful right now and his coworker is keeping him upset. But I'm not buying it; why, then, is he pushing away the one person who wants to help him feel better and wants more than anything just to be around him? And why is he okay chatting with everyone in the house except me? I spent about a week and half being sad and unhappy and flinching when he accelerated past me without even acknowledging me.
I've tried speaking to him; I've sent him texts and Facebook messages. He's mostly ignoring those, too, except the ones I send repeatedly, insisting on an answer. And then it's monosyllabic. One issue is parking at our house. Some recent events have resulted in all the vehicles being in different spots than usual. I asked him for a discussion about it. No response at all. I suggested a solution, and got back something like, "No, don't do it. I'll fix things eventually." Not good enough. I asked a question about that. No response. So I gave up and enacted my solution because I couldn't get him to discuss it with me and things were in the way and needed dealt with. He waited until I was at work, and rearranged things back to being in the way. So I'm pissed off that he won't discuss it with me, and won't leave my solution alone, and things are still in the way.
But you know what? Being pissed off doesn't feel nearly as bad as being sad and hurt that I'm being ignored. So I'll try to maintain it a while.
And you know who does pissed off well? Rubi. And she just doesn't care if he ignores her. Not that she'd admit, at least. So if it seems like Rubi's out a little more for a while, it's MK's fault. Enjoy.
The current target of my depression-turned-to-anger is MK. Lately he's been willing to have conversation with Boss and Metamour, but when I try to engage him, I get a quick monosyllable and he retreats to his room. Date Night last week didn't happen, because he worked late and then didn't want to be around anybody when he did make it home. This has been going on for about two weeks now. I stopped him and called him on it once; his defense is that work is really stressful right now and his coworker is keeping him upset. But I'm not buying it; why, then, is he pushing away the one person who wants to help him feel better and wants more than anything just to be around him? And why is he okay chatting with everyone in the house except me? I spent about a week and half being sad and unhappy and flinching when he accelerated past me without even acknowledging me.
I've tried speaking to him; I've sent him texts and Facebook messages. He's mostly ignoring those, too, except the ones I send repeatedly, insisting on an answer. And then it's monosyllabic. One issue is parking at our house. Some recent events have resulted in all the vehicles being in different spots than usual. I asked him for a discussion about it. No response at all. I suggested a solution, and got back something like, "No, don't do it. I'll fix things eventually." Not good enough. I asked a question about that. No response. So I gave up and enacted my solution because I couldn't get him to discuss it with me and things were in the way and needed dealt with. He waited until I was at work, and rearranged things back to being in the way. So I'm pissed off that he won't discuss it with me, and won't leave my solution alone, and things are still in the way.
But you know what? Being pissed off doesn't feel nearly as bad as being sad and hurt that I'm being ignored. So I'll try to maintain it a while.
And you know who does pissed off well? Rubi. And she just doesn't care if he ignores her. Not that she'd admit, at least. So if it seems like Rubi's out a little more for a while, it's MK's fault. Enjoy.
Sunday, June 29, 2014
I Hate Sundays [Me]
Another Sunday, another fight. Seems we always fight on Sundays. Usually it's Boss that's all grumpy and/or hateful. When by some miracle he's not all pissy, I am. And on the super-rare occasion that both of us are actually okay, MK will end up in a bad mood. It's reliable enough that when MK asks what's wrong, why I'm in a bad mood, it's usually enough to just point out that it's Sunday, and he knows that Boss and I have been fighting.
What do we fight over? He wants to sleep in and I don't. I did sleep in and he couldn't sleep. What are we having for lunch and when? Are we going to go work out or not? There's a mess in the sunroom. I'm ignoring him by going to play with legos. I'm ignoring him by going out looking for yard sales. I feel smothered and pawed-upon and need some alone time. He feels like we haven't spent enough time together lately and needs to be close to my physically. I'm hot and don't want to be touched. He was looking forward to a day of doing nothing, and I'm bored. I had stuff planned that I need to get done this weekend and he's asleep. I feel like I'm neglecting my relationship with MK and Boss feels I'm neglecting my relationship with him. The laundry still isn't done and it's Sunday. We need to do some work around the house, but it'll make noise and the Metamour is sleeping.
I fucking hate Sundays.
What do we fight over? He wants to sleep in and I don't. I did sleep in and he couldn't sleep. What are we having for lunch and when? Are we going to go work out or not? There's a mess in the sunroom. I'm ignoring him by going to play with legos. I'm ignoring him by going out looking for yard sales. I feel smothered and pawed-upon and need some alone time. He feels like we haven't spent enough time together lately and needs to be close to my physically. I'm hot and don't want to be touched. He was looking forward to a day of doing nothing, and I'm bored. I had stuff planned that I need to get done this weekend and he's asleep. I feel like I'm neglecting my relationship with MK and Boss feels I'm neglecting my relationship with him. The laundry still isn't done and it's Sunday. We need to do some work around the house, but it'll make noise and the Metamour is sleeping.
I fucking hate Sundays.
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Doubting Days & Invisible Disability [Me]
I passed a woman on the street the other day whose arm was amputated at the elbow. And my first thought was, "It must be nice to have her disability right out there obvious." I was having a pretty negative day that day, one of those days where I'm questioning my multiplicity.
All the multiples I know have had those Doubting Days. Am I really multiple? Maybe it's all in my head, just a terrible effort at getting attention that has become so intent that even I believe this thing that's not even true. Who am I kidding, saying that different people live in my head? What am I, a little kid, talking to my invisible friends? Why don't I just grow up, take responsibility for all of my life, and quit pretending? Why do I put the people around me through this, making them participate in my make-believe? Do they really believe me, or are they just humoring me? What does that say about them? About me? It would be so much easier to just be a singleton. I think I could do it if I tried.
Now keep in mind, I don't usually think like this. Just on those dreary unhappy-with-myself days. Days when not even my alters want to talk to me. Days when it's quiet in my head. So when I saw the woman with the amputated arm, the idea of having the thing that sometimes cripples me right out there in the open, where I could see it in front of me, and not have to doubt whether it's even there or not, that was very appealing, in a way. I know she never looks at her arm and wonders if it's really there or not. She never wonders if her arm might show up if she just quits feeling sorry for herself. It's concrete. She's missing an arm. No doubt about that.
Of course, that means every time she meets someone, that's the first thing they know about her. Nice to meet you - hey, you're missing an arm! And the obligatory curiosity. I think about times when I've had a bandage in an obvious place, and how tired I got of answer questions about what happened. And that was for days, not for the rest of my life. For everyone she meets, she starts of as 'that chick missing an arm'. She has to start every relationship a few steps behind 'that chick', and work her way up to having a name and personality in the other person's mind. Every relationship takes a little more work.
Invisible problems, like mental conditions, at least can be set aside to deal with after you get to know someone. I'm a big proponent of telling people early on in our relationships that I'm multiple. And I'm not talking romantic relationships, but just people I'm going to spend time around. I don't want to hide who I am - all the who I am - who we are. If I'm going to be friends with someone, I want them to know early. But that does mean there's always the Question Phase, where they ask about why I'm multiple and who all lives in my head, and how they're supposed to interact with me, with us. Just like the girl with no arm, I have to explain my disability over and over again.
Except I get to chose when that part comes up. I can control how well I know someone before it becomes known. Can't do that with a missing arm. The cashier at McDonald's (for example) can tell she's missing an arm, and ask her annoying questions about it, right away. I do visibly advertise that I'm weird - I shave my head and wear a steel collar - but I don't quite cross that line where every stranger I meet feels the need to ask me for details. And depending on how someone reacts to that part of me being weird, then I have a clue how they might accept me being a we, and if I want to disclose that to them.
All the multiples I know have had those Doubting Days. Am I really multiple? Maybe it's all in my head, just a terrible effort at getting attention that has become so intent that even I believe this thing that's not even true. Who am I kidding, saying that different people live in my head? What am I, a little kid, talking to my invisible friends? Why don't I just grow up, take responsibility for all of my life, and quit pretending? Why do I put the people around me through this, making them participate in my make-believe? Do they really believe me, or are they just humoring me? What does that say about them? About me? It would be so much easier to just be a singleton. I think I could do it if I tried.
Now keep in mind, I don't usually think like this. Just on those dreary unhappy-with-myself days. Days when not even my alters want to talk to me. Days when it's quiet in my head. So when I saw the woman with the amputated arm, the idea of having the thing that sometimes cripples me right out there in the open, where I could see it in front of me, and not have to doubt whether it's even there or not, that was very appealing, in a way. I know she never looks at her arm and wonders if it's really there or not. She never wonders if her arm might show up if she just quits feeling sorry for herself. It's concrete. She's missing an arm. No doubt about that.
Of course, that means every time she meets someone, that's the first thing they know about her. Nice to meet you - hey, you're missing an arm! And the obligatory curiosity. I think about times when I've had a bandage in an obvious place, and how tired I got of answer questions about what happened. And that was for days, not for the rest of my life. For everyone she meets, she starts of as 'that chick missing an arm'. She has to start every relationship a few steps behind 'that chick', and work her way up to having a name and personality in the other person's mind. Every relationship takes a little more work.
Invisible problems, like mental conditions, at least can be set aside to deal with after you get to know someone. I'm a big proponent of telling people early on in our relationships that I'm multiple. And I'm not talking romantic relationships, but just people I'm going to spend time around. I don't want to hide who I am - all the who I am - who we are. If I'm going to be friends with someone, I want them to know early. But that does mean there's always the Question Phase, where they ask about why I'm multiple and who all lives in my head, and how they're supposed to interact with me, with us. Just like the girl with no arm, I have to explain my disability over and over again.
Except I get to chose when that part comes up. I can control how well I know someone before it becomes known. Can't do that with a missing arm. The cashier at McDonald's (for example) can tell she's missing an arm, and ask her annoying questions about it, right away. I do visibly advertise that I'm weird - I shave my head and wear a steel collar - but I don't quite cross that line where every stranger I meet feels the need to ask me for details. And depending on how someone reacts to that part of me being weird, then I have a clue how they might accept me being a we, and if I want to disclose that to them.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Status Report (Me)
Okay, moving has Happened. We got everything moved out of the old apartment and storage and moved into the new house. We've been in the new house for over a month, and I've been really really busy unpacking and cleaning and washing and sorting and organizing and unpacking some more. But all four of us are now living in the house (me, Boss, MK, and Metamour), and it's pretty wonderful almost all the time.
The week of moving was a major headache, not that that's any surprise. We had to put down my dog that week, and also it worked out that the day we moved was also Kiara (and Paul)'s birthday. So no big celebration for the kids. But we got through Moving Week, and moved on from there.
Then MK moved in a couple weeks later. I see a huge difference in his outlook since he's moved in. He's been a lot happier and more relaxed than before the move. As hermit-like as he likes to be, being around other people really is good for him. He's also put out some real effort to communicate with the family group and just to hang out and chat as well, even those unpleasant conversations about rules and money and scheduling. The effort he's made does make a lot of difference. I think it's helped ease Boss's fears a bit, too, about the two of them living in the same house.
So the apartment and storage are No More. Next is the old house, Motel M. The plan is to get all MK's stuff out of there into his storage, then clean that bedroom really thoroughly. Then move most of my daughter's stuff in there and clean the rest of the house thoroughly. Then try to sell the house. It's going to be more hard work, but it's no longer feeling like an overwhelming task.
No moving-related stuff this weekend; we're headed to a kink convention. Given how tight money is, I feel guilty going. But the tickets are already paid for, as well as one night of the hotel. We're packing food, so really it's just gas and two more nights at the hotel. We can do this. This'll be my fifth year at this con. And if it gets any more disorganized, maybe my last.
Um, multi stuff, since this is a blog about being multiple. Well, nothing much to say right now. No one's blowing up. We aren't sharing really well; I'm mostly out most the time because there's so much to do. But Paul and Kiara are coming out from time to time, and I'm feeling others nearby and available. I think we're too busy externally to have issues internally - or too tired.
The week of moving was a major headache, not that that's any surprise. We had to put down my dog that week, and also it worked out that the day we moved was also Kiara (and Paul)'s birthday. So no big celebration for the kids. But we got through Moving Week, and moved on from there.
Then MK moved in a couple weeks later. I see a huge difference in his outlook since he's moved in. He's been a lot happier and more relaxed than before the move. As hermit-like as he likes to be, being around other people really is good for him. He's also put out some real effort to communicate with the family group and just to hang out and chat as well, even those unpleasant conversations about rules and money and scheduling. The effort he's made does make a lot of difference. I think it's helped ease Boss's fears a bit, too, about the two of them living in the same house.
So the apartment and storage are No More. Next is the old house, Motel M. The plan is to get all MK's stuff out of there into his storage, then clean that bedroom really thoroughly. Then move most of my daughter's stuff in there and clean the rest of the house thoroughly. Then try to sell the house. It's going to be more hard work, but it's no longer feeling like an overwhelming task.
No moving-related stuff this weekend; we're headed to a kink convention. Given how tight money is, I feel guilty going. But the tickets are already paid for, as well as one night of the hotel. We're packing food, so really it's just gas and two more nights at the hotel. We can do this. This'll be my fifth year at this con. And if it gets any more disorganized, maybe my last.
Um, multi stuff, since this is a blog about being multiple. Well, nothing much to say right now. No one's blowing up. We aren't sharing really well; I'm mostly out most the time because there's so much to do. But Paul and Kiara are coming out from time to time, and I'm feeling others nearby and available. I think we're too busy externally to have issues internally - or too tired.
Friday, March 7, 2014
Big Things Happening [Me]
I'm being poked at to blog. Because I haven't. Because I have too much to say. Today may be a bad day for it, because I'm fighting off a 'depressed'. I'm really in need of some non-sexual skin-contact cuddling and petting. Just comfort, really. I think it's because I am just overwhelmed with so many things that I need to do and get done.
Let's see, the little stuff first.
My birthday was last week, and Kiara/Paul's is next week. The body was born February 26, and all the adults in the system are fine claiming that as their birthday. Kiara claims March 11 as her birthday, and invited Paul to share it, so the kids have their own birthday, two weeks after mine.
The 2nd anniversary of my collaring to Boss was last week, also. We didn't celebrate quite the way we intended. We were going to do a scene with needles (yuck) the Saturday before, but we were waiting for late in the evening. So early in the evening, Kiara asked Boss for a little spanking. It started out well, but he thought she had switched out and escalated. She hadn't switched out, so she ended up mad at him, and put us both off-balance. We didn't recover from it that evening, so we just went home early. We did make up the scene the next weekend.
My work's being a little crazy. They fired 17 people all at once about a month ago. I was part of a two-person helpdesk, and the other person was one of the Seventeen. So I'm now on-call 24/7 as the only person on the Helpdesk, and I'm scrambling a little trying to figure out some of the things that the other girl did and I don't really know how to do. We're still fiddling with how things work now, so there's some unsureness going on there.
My daughter passed through town going to a conference, and will be coming back through on Sunday headed back. This is good, but extra hassle trying to figure scheduling and sleeping arrangements and such.
I've been having a lot of doctor-health-stuff lately, as you probably read in earlier blogs. Which also means extra money issues. I got billed an extra $400 for the liver biopsy over and above what they told me. I went back to the gastroenterologist to get HepA & B vaccinations, and soon will be going to an hematologist to have blood drawn regularly to get my ferritin levels down.
And the big stuff. We're moving. We found a house that we all four like. Yeah, that's great stuff, not depressing stuff. But what comes along with it are money stresses (as we pay for three places to live for the next month), lists of things to do, packing & unpacking, getting utilities transferred and movers booked, and all other kinds of stuff to make it happen. So I'm excited, but flooded with Stuff To Do. And of course, because I am who I am, I feel like every little piece of it is my responsibility. Even though there are three other adults involved.
And because I'm feeling overwhelmed and a bit depressed, my mind is attributing motivations to other people's actions that are probably completely made up. Like MK has cancelled on a couple of nights to come over and hang out. I feel like he's avoiding me, right when I really need some cuddling. Of course, the logical part of my brain mentions the fact that he's probably really really busy at work, as evidenced by his getting home from work at like 8pm each night. I know, because that's when he's texting me that he just got home and doesn't feel like coming over. But yeah, feels like he's just not interested - because I'm stressed - not his fault.
So yeah, lots of good things happening, but just stressed out about it all. Birthdays (one down and one more to go). Anniversaries (we beat the two-year expiration point!). Work (I'm the one who stayed, not the one who got fired). Getting to see the Girl - twice! Health stuff - no hemochromatosis. Found a house to live together (lots of stuff to do).
Let's see, the little stuff first.
My birthday was last week, and Kiara/Paul's is next week. The body was born February 26, and all the adults in the system are fine claiming that as their birthday. Kiara claims March 11 as her birthday, and invited Paul to share it, so the kids have their own birthday, two weeks after mine.
The 2nd anniversary of my collaring to Boss was last week, also. We didn't celebrate quite the way we intended. We were going to do a scene with needles (yuck) the Saturday before, but we were waiting for late in the evening. So early in the evening, Kiara asked Boss for a little spanking. It started out well, but he thought she had switched out and escalated. She hadn't switched out, so she ended up mad at him, and put us both off-balance. We didn't recover from it that evening, so we just went home early. We did make up the scene the next weekend.
My work's being a little crazy. They fired 17 people all at once about a month ago. I was part of a two-person helpdesk, and the other person was one of the Seventeen. So I'm now on-call 24/7 as the only person on the Helpdesk, and I'm scrambling a little trying to figure out some of the things that the other girl did and I don't really know how to do. We're still fiddling with how things work now, so there's some unsureness going on there.
My daughter passed through town going to a conference, and will be coming back through on Sunday headed back. This is good, but extra hassle trying to figure scheduling and sleeping arrangements and such.
I've been having a lot of doctor-health-stuff lately, as you probably read in earlier blogs. Which also means extra money issues. I got billed an extra $400 for the liver biopsy over and above what they told me. I went back to the gastroenterologist to get HepA & B vaccinations, and soon will be going to an hematologist to have blood drawn regularly to get my ferritin levels down.
And the big stuff. We're moving. We found a house that we all four like. Yeah, that's great stuff, not depressing stuff. But what comes along with it are money stresses (as we pay for three places to live for the next month), lists of things to do, packing & unpacking, getting utilities transferred and movers booked, and all other kinds of stuff to make it happen. So I'm excited, but flooded with Stuff To Do. And of course, because I am who I am, I feel like every little piece of it is my responsibility. Even though there are three other adults involved.
And because I'm feeling overwhelmed and a bit depressed, my mind is attributing motivations to other people's actions that are probably completely made up. Like MK has cancelled on a couple of nights to come over and hang out. I feel like he's avoiding me, right when I really need some cuddling. Of course, the logical part of my brain mentions the fact that he's probably really really busy at work, as evidenced by his getting home from work at like 8pm each night. I know, because that's when he's texting me that he just got home and doesn't feel like coming over. But yeah, feels like he's just not interested - because I'm stressed - not his fault.
So yeah, lots of good things happening, but just stressed out about it all. Birthdays (one down and one more to go). Anniversaries (we beat the two-year expiration point!). Work (I'm the one who stayed, not the one who got fired). Getting to see the Girl - twice! Health stuff - no hemochromatosis. Found a house to live together (lots of stuff to do).
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Coming Back Together [Me]
Relationships. I've been all over the place with them lately. I guess some closure of things I've brought up in past posts is the best place to start here.
Last fall, Boss and I were really shaky. There was a lot of hurt feelings, and not being sure what was going to happen. Some of that had to do with his jealousy of MK. Some of that came from just wanting my time and attention, but a lot of that had to do with one of his alters. There was also unease over MK wanting to date only me and a misunderstanding that he would be dating all of us. Things happened, and MK and Boss got to being really awkward around each other. All that led up to a huge temper tantrum where Boss removed my collar from me. I was hurt enough to consider moving out. And I wouldn't put it back on, which was not what he expected. That was in early December - you know, that great time of year when everyone is stressed and depressed.
Since then, Boss, Metamour, and I have been talking about our relationship. We've put together an agreement for our household and relationships we all have. Being poly and open means a lot of opportunities for miscommunication, so we've tried to narrow down some rules on how to keep everyone informed and happy.
After we finished covering that territory as a group of three, Boss and I had more conversations related to us specifically and the difference between being boyfriend/girlfriend versus my wearing his collar. There are a lot of emotions attached to that collar, and limits and rules that go along with it too. Long story short, we got to some agreement, and I put the collar back on this past weekend.
And with that settled enough, now I have things to talk to MK about. Pretty much the same conversations above, but I know the agreements we'll come to will look a lot different. But dealing with the house comes first.
As a trio, we've been getting close to another couple. But when everything in our household blew up, they had to be put aside for a while so we could take care of us first. Now we're about to start talking more to them about what kind of interrelationships we all want to have.
Okay, that's all the stuff up in the air. Here's what's coming up.
As MK gets his stuff cleaned up at the house, I'm putting the house up for sale. I want to get that out of my life.
Our lease (for me, Boss, Metamour) is up in April, and we are looking for a place big enough for not just the three of us, but MK. Yeah, we might all get to move in together. Wouldn't that be great? There are a lot of concerns about the two guys coming to live together, but in the long run, I think it will work out great. After all, Metamour and I really could not get to be friends with one another until we lived together. There were a couple of months to adjust, and now we're great friends.
There are a lot of reasons why all of us living together makes sense, and I'm really excited to see it coming closer. And I'm committed to making it work with both of my wonderful guys. And I know they'll both get to be better friends when they're around each other more. So the sooner the better, as far as I'm concerned. All we have to do is make the money stuff work out.
Last fall, Boss and I were really shaky. There was a lot of hurt feelings, and not being sure what was going to happen. Some of that had to do with his jealousy of MK. Some of that came from just wanting my time and attention, but a lot of that had to do with one of his alters. There was also unease over MK wanting to date only me and a misunderstanding that he would be dating all of us. Things happened, and MK and Boss got to being really awkward around each other. All that led up to a huge temper tantrum where Boss removed my collar from me. I was hurt enough to consider moving out. And I wouldn't put it back on, which was not what he expected. That was in early December - you know, that great time of year when everyone is stressed and depressed.
Since then, Boss, Metamour, and I have been talking about our relationship. We've put together an agreement for our household and relationships we all have. Being poly and open means a lot of opportunities for miscommunication, so we've tried to narrow down some rules on how to keep everyone informed and happy.
After we finished covering that territory as a group of three, Boss and I had more conversations related to us specifically and the difference between being boyfriend/girlfriend versus my wearing his collar. There are a lot of emotions attached to that collar, and limits and rules that go along with it too. Long story short, we got to some agreement, and I put the collar back on this past weekend.
And with that settled enough, now I have things to talk to MK about. Pretty much the same conversations above, but I know the agreements we'll come to will look a lot different. But dealing with the house comes first.
As a trio, we've been getting close to another couple. But when everything in our household blew up, they had to be put aside for a while so we could take care of us first. Now we're about to start talking more to them about what kind of interrelationships we all want to have.
Okay, that's all the stuff up in the air. Here's what's coming up.
As MK gets his stuff cleaned up at the house, I'm putting the house up for sale. I want to get that out of my life.
Our lease (for me, Boss, Metamour) is up in April, and we are looking for a place big enough for not just the three of us, but MK. Yeah, we might all get to move in together. Wouldn't that be great? There are a lot of concerns about the two guys coming to live together, but in the long run, I think it will work out great. After all, Metamour and I really could not get to be friends with one another until we lived together. There were a couple of months to adjust, and now we're great friends.
There are a lot of reasons why all of us living together makes sense, and I'm really excited to see it coming closer. And I'm committed to making it work with both of my wonderful guys. And I know they'll both get to be better friends when they're around each other more. So the sooner the better, as far as I'm concerned. All we have to do is make the money stuff work out.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Fight Done, Fight Start [Me]
Well, I seem to have finished fighting with one boyfriend just in time to start fighting with the other.
Boss and I have, with the Metamour, hashed out a set of Household Rules that should help a lot with expectations and communication between the three systems and the dozens of personalities. Mostly, rules around who we can have sex with and what kind of communication needs to be around that. But also, who we count as family and what that means.
I'm still not wearing Boss's collar, because that will mean an entirely new conversation about what that collar means. That conversation is for him and me/us only, and I haven't felt comfortable enough to have that one yet. I assume he'll have a similar conversation with the Metamour, defining what their relationship is, and I need to have a conversation with MK about my relationship with him and what our rules and boundaries and expectations and everything are.
But that conversation is also on hold, because I have another more pressing issue with him. My house. He moved in there while I was still living there, and continued renting a room from me ever since. I want to sell the house, which has become a huge weight on me financially and emotionally. Once the house is sold, we can look at moving from our apartment to a better place. But I can't sell the house yet, because I MK has stuff scattered and piled all over the place. Not just in his room, but in the living room, the kitchen, and the laundry room. Ever since everyone except him moved out, his stuff has just spread all over the place and piled up haphazardly. Even if I listed the house to sell right now, I don't feel like I could bring people in to show the house. You can hardly walk around in there; it looks terrible.
I told him several months ago that I NEED him to get it cleaned up and out of there. I asked for it by Thanksgiving, and he would only give me end of the year. Well, it's January, and it's not done. It's barely started on. I need his stuff out of there, and what's left neat. I need the outside of the house, which he and his brother are working on, done and cleaned up. Then I can get inside and do some cleanup. Then I can list the house for sale and try to get out from under it. Then I'll be financially more able to commit to all of us moving to a better place. Ideally, something like a house for the three of us (me, Boss, Metamour) with an adjoining apartment for MK. But I can't get started on any of this because of all the stuff. And Boss and Metamour are starting to put a lot of pressure on me about it.
So now I'm in the position of having to be upset with him, and nag him to do what he had already told me he would do. I shouldn't have to treat him like that, and I know he doesn't want me to do so. But I can't figure out how to get it done. And now he's avoiding me. He cancelled on plans we had several times last week, and I was so mad by the end of the weekend that I cancelled on our date night. Because I don't feel like having a date when we could be packing up all the stuff. I've offered multiple nights to come help him pack things up, and he's turning me down on all of them. I'm so frustrated with him and with the house in general. And I'm really angry that he's put me in the position of being The Bitch about this. And I miss him terribly because I haven't seen him in nearly two weeks.
At some point, I give up and go move his stuff myself. At some point I evict him from my house. Pretty sure that means breaking up with him as a part of it.
Boss and I have, with the Metamour, hashed out a set of Household Rules that should help a lot with expectations and communication between the three systems and the dozens of personalities. Mostly, rules around who we can have sex with and what kind of communication needs to be around that. But also, who we count as family and what that means.
I'm still not wearing Boss's collar, because that will mean an entirely new conversation about what that collar means. That conversation is for him and me/us only, and I haven't felt comfortable enough to have that one yet. I assume he'll have a similar conversation with the Metamour, defining what their relationship is, and I need to have a conversation with MK about my relationship with him and what our rules and boundaries and expectations and everything are.
But that conversation is also on hold, because I have another more pressing issue with him. My house. He moved in there while I was still living there, and continued renting a room from me ever since. I want to sell the house, which has become a huge weight on me financially and emotionally. Once the house is sold, we can look at moving from our apartment to a better place. But I can't sell the house yet, because I MK has stuff scattered and piled all over the place. Not just in his room, but in the living room, the kitchen, and the laundry room. Ever since everyone except him moved out, his stuff has just spread all over the place and piled up haphazardly. Even if I listed the house to sell right now, I don't feel like I could bring people in to show the house. You can hardly walk around in there; it looks terrible.
I told him several months ago that I NEED him to get it cleaned up and out of there. I asked for it by Thanksgiving, and he would only give me end of the year. Well, it's January, and it's not done. It's barely started on. I need his stuff out of there, and what's left neat. I need the outside of the house, which he and his brother are working on, done and cleaned up. Then I can get inside and do some cleanup. Then I can list the house for sale and try to get out from under it. Then I'll be financially more able to commit to all of us moving to a better place. Ideally, something like a house for the three of us (me, Boss, Metamour) with an adjoining apartment for MK. But I can't get started on any of this because of all the stuff. And Boss and Metamour are starting to put a lot of pressure on me about it.
So now I'm in the position of having to be upset with him, and nag him to do what he had already told me he would do. I shouldn't have to treat him like that, and I know he doesn't want me to do so. But I can't figure out how to get it done. And now he's avoiding me. He cancelled on plans we had several times last week, and I was so mad by the end of the weekend that I cancelled on our date night. Because I don't feel like having a date when we could be packing up all the stuff. I've offered multiple nights to come help him pack things up, and he's turning me down on all of them. I'm so frustrated with him and with the house in general. And I'm really angry that he's put me in the position of being The Bitch about this. And I miss him terribly because I haven't seen him in nearly two weeks.
At some point, I give up and go move his stuff myself. At some point I evict him from my house. Pretty sure that means breaking up with him as a part of it.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Recap - Recovering [Me]
You may have noticed that I haven't posted in, well, weeks. One of my friends did - thanks, E. And I'm grateful that she said something. I mentioned early on that if I don't post for a while, it's probably because things are not going well, and I may need some encouragement. The last few weeks have been incredibly rough. And I still don't know how the situation is going to end, so I'm still feeling very shaky and uncertain. It's not a place I inhabit well, emotionally. I guess a recap would help you, the reader, at least. Boss and I have been fighting a lot over the last few months, for several reasons. And that's depressed to the point of withdrawing and internalizing a lot of what's going on. I don't share so well when I'm hurting.
Remember, Boss is also a multiple. One of his alters was coming out more and more. She had serious jealousy/possessiveness issues, especially where it comes to MK, my boyfriend. MK doesn't want to be 'our' boyfriend, as in dating everyone in the household (my system, Boss, and the Metamour). He wants to be my/our boyfriend, dating everyone in my system; he's only dating one body. Boss's female alter wanted MK to be dating her, also, and pushed herself on him, upsetting all three of us in the process. In a poly family, jealousy that isn't handled becomes a serious problem. But I can't offer that particular alter any alternate solution. She needs a dominant male to play with, and I'm never both of those at the same time. And she's very emotionally volatile, as teenage girls often are. So the more she was denied what she wanted, the more she was out, looking for what she needs. And the more I dealt with her, the more frustrated we all were.
Next issue - Boss has had a lot of stress building for work. His alter being a problem is causing a lot more. Fighting with me over jealousy issues meant he couldn't get comfort for me. So the stress built up more and more. Through some miscommunication of plans, and a jealous fit from his alter, he removed my collar. There wasn't a calm discussion, or even a rational decision; it was a temper tantrum, and there was no warning to me. I was completely furious, and felt betrayed and unwanted. It's like coming home to find your spouse has put your things outside and changed the locks. I pretty well broken for a little while.
We've been working through those two major issues for a while. We're still living together, as boyfriend/girlfriend, but I haven't put the collar back on; and I don't know if I'm going to be able to again. His female alter that was creating all the emotional turmoil has been muted a bit, and limited to a smaller role in his system. The rest of his system has come to some peace around jealousy issues, and the two guys are working on trying to be friends again, for my sake, if nothing else. The holidays are past, with their attendant stresses. And Boss's work deadline has been moved, making it less of a dead rush for him there.
Something that all this has brought to light is that we all three have some different ideas of what our household rules are, especially when it comes to relationships with people outside the three people that live in our apartment. So we're working on slowly coming to agreement on those rules and putting them in writing. It's a slow process, as we have to recover emotionally between bouts, and we all three have lots to say about, well, anything and everything.
Remember, Boss is also a multiple. One of his alters was coming out more and more. She had serious jealousy/possessiveness issues, especially where it comes to MK, my boyfriend. MK doesn't want to be 'our' boyfriend, as in dating everyone in the household (my system, Boss, and the Metamour). He wants to be my/our boyfriend, dating everyone in my system; he's only dating one body. Boss's female alter wanted MK to be dating her, also, and pushed herself on him, upsetting all three of us in the process. In a poly family, jealousy that isn't handled becomes a serious problem. But I can't offer that particular alter any alternate solution. She needs a dominant male to play with, and I'm never both of those at the same time. And she's very emotionally volatile, as teenage girls often are. So the more she was denied what she wanted, the more she was out, looking for what she needs. And the more I dealt with her, the more frustrated we all were.
Next issue - Boss has had a lot of stress building for work. His alter being a problem is causing a lot more. Fighting with me over jealousy issues meant he couldn't get comfort for me. So the stress built up more and more. Through some miscommunication of plans, and a jealous fit from his alter, he removed my collar. There wasn't a calm discussion, or even a rational decision; it was a temper tantrum, and there was no warning to me. I was completely furious, and felt betrayed and unwanted. It's like coming home to find your spouse has put your things outside and changed the locks. I pretty well broken for a little while.
We've been working through those two major issues for a while. We're still living together, as boyfriend/girlfriend, but I haven't put the collar back on; and I don't know if I'm going to be able to again. His female alter that was creating all the emotional turmoil has been muted a bit, and limited to a smaller role in his system. The rest of his system has come to some peace around jealousy issues, and the two guys are working on trying to be friends again, for my sake, if nothing else. The holidays are past, with their attendant stresses. And Boss's work deadline has been moved, making it less of a dead rush for him there.
Something that all this has brought to light is that we all three have some different ideas of what our household rules are, especially when it comes to relationships with people outside the three people that live in our apartment. So we're working on slowly coming to agreement on those rules and putting them in writing. It's a slow process, as we have to recover emotionally between bouts, and we all three have lots to say about, well, anything and everything.
Monday, November 25, 2013
And Whew... [Me]
So I've finished telling my parents. It wasn't majorly traumatic. We were at a restaurant, and had placed our order. We were the only customers in a small room, so no one was going to overhear or be disturbed. I just said that I had something to tell them. Mom gave me the stink-eye, and I told her I'd wait for her to be finished. So I told her that I have multiple personalities. She and my step-dad both had a few questions, but mostly reacted with a statement that they don't know enough about it to know what questions to ask. I answered the ones they did ask.
So it's out. That's the last major reveal I think I have. I mean, I'm still not openly multiple at work, but it just isn't a work issue, so it's not their business. I feel better.
So it's out. That's the last major reveal I think I have. I mean, I'm still not openly multiple at work, but it just isn't a work issue, so it's not their business. I feel better.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Ready to Tell Mom [Me]
I've decided to come out to my mom about being multiple. She already knows I'm poly, and I'm sure she'd guess the kinky if she wanted to. But it's time to tell her I'm multiple.
My mom and I are really close. Until about 8 years ago, we lived no more than 30 minutes apart, and saw each other a minimum of two or three times a week. My daughter and I lived with her for several years. The three of us have been the best of friends. But it's been in the last few years, when she's living 5 hours away, that I've discovered and been dealing with being multiple.
At first, there was the idea that maybe I'm not multiple, maybe it's just something I'm going through, it'll go away. In which case, there was no point involving my parents, because they couldn't do anything about it anyway. I mean, she's not involved with picking the guys I date, either. We're just not wrapped up in each other's day-to-day lives. Not anymore.
After a while, when I realized this wasn't going away, and I'm a multiple, like it or not, I still didn't tell her. I was dealing with coming out to people I did see every day, people who were going to see an alter come out and needed to be ready to interact with them. It was scary for me, really intense and stressful, to tell people. Of course, most everyone I told pretty much shrugged and accepted it. Even - especially - the people closest to me. But Mom - and my daughter - they are so much more than just close to me. Rejection from them would be the most horrible thing ever. If friends can't handle me being multiple, then fine, I'll get other friends. But my mother and my daughter? I can't risk losing them. It would be like cutting off a limb. Or an alter.
I did finally come out to my daughter, first about the kink, and when that went well, about being multiple. And she took both so wonderfully that I almost went and told my mom then, while I was still riding the success. But then my reason was that I was protecting my mom. I mean, this is going to make her worry about me. It's what we parents do. And she can't do anything really to affect things, so it's useless worry from 5 hours away. How is that a nice thing for me to do to her? Sure, it would make me feel better to have her moral support, but do I have the right to lay my burden on her? Is it fair to hand her something more to be worried about?
Okay, as a parent, I can say that the argument is invalid. We worry about our kids, whether there's anything to worry about or not. If my daughter found out that she had some sort of mental or health condition, whether I could do anything to help her or not, I'd want to know. And I would be upset if she didn't tell me.
So now I worry that my mom will feel betrayed when she realizes that I've known this for a few years now and haven't told her. But I can't change that. Better a couple of years than a decade or more, right? I know she'd rather know than not. And I want it to come from me. How horrible would it be if I was hospitalized, or died, or something else bad happened, and Boss or the kid had to tell her this big secret in my life, instead of me? What if I died, and at the funeral, people start talking about missing Kiara, or something like that? She would definitely feel betrayed then. That would be a nasty thing on top of everything else.
So I'm going to tell her. I'm going to be spending four days up there at Thanksgiving. So I'm going to try to find time to talk to her about it then. I'm not guaranteeing that I'll tell her this weekend, but I'm preparing to do so. I'm going to take with me the little book I made about my alters. And I warned the daughter about the conversation, in case an alter comes out and needs someone they know there to hold their hand a bit. Kiara and Paul both really like her, and she'll be comforting to have around.
I'll let you know how it goes. If it goes. When it goes.
My mom and I are really close. Until about 8 years ago, we lived no more than 30 minutes apart, and saw each other a minimum of two or three times a week. My daughter and I lived with her for several years. The three of us have been the best of friends. But it's been in the last few years, when she's living 5 hours away, that I've discovered and been dealing with being multiple.
At first, there was the idea that maybe I'm not multiple, maybe it's just something I'm going through, it'll go away. In which case, there was no point involving my parents, because they couldn't do anything about it anyway. I mean, she's not involved with picking the guys I date, either. We're just not wrapped up in each other's day-to-day lives. Not anymore.
After a while, when I realized this wasn't going away, and I'm a multiple, like it or not, I still didn't tell her. I was dealing with coming out to people I did see every day, people who were going to see an alter come out and needed to be ready to interact with them. It was scary for me, really intense and stressful, to tell people. Of course, most everyone I told pretty much shrugged and accepted it. Even - especially - the people closest to me. But Mom - and my daughter - they are so much more than just close to me. Rejection from them would be the most horrible thing ever. If friends can't handle me being multiple, then fine, I'll get other friends. But my mother and my daughter? I can't risk losing them. It would be like cutting off a limb. Or an alter.
I did finally come out to my daughter, first about the kink, and when that went well, about being multiple. And she took both so wonderfully that I almost went and told my mom then, while I was still riding the success. But then my reason was that I was protecting my mom. I mean, this is going to make her worry about me. It's what we parents do. And she can't do anything really to affect things, so it's useless worry from 5 hours away. How is that a nice thing for me to do to her? Sure, it would make me feel better to have her moral support, but do I have the right to lay my burden on her? Is it fair to hand her something more to be worried about?
Okay, as a parent, I can say that the argument is invalid. We worry about our kids, whether there's anything to worry about or not. If my daughter found out that she had some sort of mental or health condition, whether I could do anything to help her or not, I'd want to know. And I would be upset if she didn't tell me.
So now I worry that my mom will feel betrayed when she realizes that I've known this for a few years now and haven't told her. But I can't change that. Better a couple of years than a decade or more, right? I know she'd rather know than not. And I want it to come from me. How horrible would it be if I was hospitalized, or died, or something else bad happened, and Boss or the kid had to tell her this big secret in my life, instead of me? What if I died, and at the funeral, people start talking about missing Kiara, or something like that? She would definitely feel betrayed then. That would be a nasty thing on top of everything else.
So I'm going to tell her. I'm going to be spending four days up there at Thanksgiving. So I'm going to try to find time to talk to her about it then. I'm not guaranteeing that I'll tell her this weekend, but I'm preparing to do so. I'm going to take with me the little book I made about my alters. And I warned the daughter about the conversation, in case an alter comes out and needs someone they know there to hold their hand a bit. Kiara and Paul both really like her, and she'll be comforting to have around.
I'll let you know how it goes. If it goes. When it goes.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
The Numb Kind [Me]
Still dealing with depression. Not during the day. No, during the day I push through and fake it well enough to function just fine. At supper time the tension starts building. I go to bed hopeful things will be okay this night, and then Boss comes to bed. And one or the other of us - or both - will take exception to something the other says, or doesn't say, or did, or didn't do. And then we have a big fight. Again. We're both spiraling down, and dragging the other with us.
I hate this. I just feel numb about everything. I feel like I'm dragging my feet through life, waiting for things to get better. I can't get really happy about anything. We went to the club last night and played, and even though I got a really heavy buzz from the scene, I still wasn't Happy about it. I was, at best, pleasant. I don't want pleasant; I want giddy and silly and horny and laughing. The best I seem to be able to do is pleasant.
I can get the negative feelings to show up. Kind of. When the fighting starts, I vacillate between hurt and numb. There's some guilty - thanks to guilt trip behavior. There's some hurt for his hurting, and some feeling that it isn't fair. But mostly it's a sense of resigning to the fact that yes, we're going to fight again. And I participate until I'm sure it's going nowhere good, and then the numbness covers me up and I just give up. I can't even hold a good mad. And the hurt only kicks in when it becomes enough to overwhelm the numbness. So I'm left crying and hurting and needing compassion.
Needless to say, my sex drive is kaput. So that gives us something more to fight about. I want to be horny, but yeah, isn't happening. My sleep is suffering, obviously. Notice I'm out here typing at 11pm, knowing I have to get up in the morning for work. My concentration is pretty flighty; luckily I don't need a lot of it at work. Monday, it was a joke to think of actually getting anything done.
So I often kind of half joke and say that I've got a two-year expiration date. I just checked; I got serious with Boss two years ago next month. This month, in an hour. Some joke, huh?
I hate this. I just feel numb about everything. I feel like I'm dragging my feet through life, waiting for things to get better. I can't get really happy about anything. We went to the club last night and played, and even though I got a really heavy buzz from the scene, I still wasn't Happy about it. I was, at best, pleasant. I don't want pleasant; I want giddy and silly and horny and laughing. The best I seem to be able to do is pleasant.
I can get the negative feelings to show up. Kind of. When the fighting starts, I vacillate between hurt and numb. There's some guilty - thanks to guilt trip behavior. There's some hurt for his hurting, and some feeling that it isn't fair. But mostly it's a sense of resigning to the fact that yes, we're going to fight again. And I participate until I'm sure it's going nowhere good, and then the numbness covers me up and I just give up. I can't even hold a good mad. And the hurt only kicks in when it becomes enough to overwhelm the numbness. So I'm left crying and hurting and needing compassion.
Needless to say, my sex drive is kaput. So that gives us something more to fight about. I want to be horny, but yeah, isn't happening. My sleep is suffering, obviously. Notice I'm out here typing at 11pm, knowing I have to get up in the morning for work. My concentration is pretty flighty; luckily I don't need a lot of it at work. Monday, it was a joke to think of actually getting anything done.
So I often kind of half joke and say that I've got a two-year expiration date. I just checked; I got serious with Boss two years ago next month. This month, in an hour. Some joke, huh?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)