Do We Look Queer To You? [Me]

I've been thinking a lot lately about sexual identity. As a whole, rather than as an individual. If we're having a conversation, and you ask my orientation, well, I'm a straight female. Absolutely heterosexual, and no doubt female, despite my tomboyish tendencies.

But I'm not the only one in here, and as much as various alters are getting 'face time' these days, it's time to consider 'our' orientation as opposed to 'my' orientation. Cherish certainly shares my straight orientation, in fact holds it to a further extreme, with many overtones of the Gorean subculture.

Sam and Rubi are definitely female, and they both seem to have a clear preference for men in play and in sex, but I get the sense that it's not as defined a preference. The only stopping point being that we like having a penis involved in our sex, so we want a man in our bed. But there are plenty of sexual activities we like that don't have to involve a penis, or where a manufactured one would work well enough. So I guess they would qualify as 'heteroflexible'.

The Boss has a female alter, which matches nicely with my male alter, Jarett. He will only participate in sexual activity with the Boss if he is certain she is out; he wants nothing to do with any male alters in that realm. So the penis is pointing the wrong way, but it works out for them. But Kiara also sometimes shows a preference for his female alter, though she's also happy with his primary 'face', too. Mostly she just wants attention from her adult, and she gets it. But though I haven't had the opportunity to test it, I suspect she would somewhat prefer female partners.

My other male alter, Paul, only wants that kind of attention from a male, however. He's only starting to admit it, but the rest of us are certain, that the boy is gay. Silent One doesn't seem to register gender, nor have one of its own. Lynn and Gracelyn have both stated that they have no interest in sex on their own. Lynn because she would rather remain impartial, and Gracelyn because she has objections to the messiness and violence of the activity.

So here's what we've got:
2 heterosexual females
2 heteroflexible females
1 bisexual female
1 heterosexual male
1 homosexual male
2 nonsexual females
1 non-gender-differentiating

Confusing enough there. So I looked up 'queer' on my friend the wikipedia.

The range of what "queer" includes varies. In addition to referring to LGBT-identifying people, it can also encompass: pansexual, pomosexual, intersexual, genderqueer, asexual and autosexual people, and even gender normative heterosexuals whose sexual orientations or activities place them outside the heterosexual-defined mainstream, e.g., BDSM practitioners, or polyamorous persons.

Well, that certainly seems to fit. Starting with the BDSM and polyamory, I've been queer all along! So we're going to use the term Queer to refer to our orientation as a system for now, even if not for me as an individual.

Riding the Merry-Go-Round [Me]

I'd like to introduce a term that's been flying around our household a lot - 

Riding the Merry-Go-Round.

With three multiples in one household, sometimes it gets pretty hectic trying to figure out who's out in which body. It's like throwing a bunch of kids on a merry-go-round and spinning it really fast. Then, when it stops, they all get off and run in different directions. You don't know who's going to get off facing you - that kid you like or the one you hate, or that other one that just showed up and nobody knows.

We have periods of time like that. Sometimes one alter will take the front and remain there, very stable, for hours. But sometimes we'll switch again and again and again. Those are the merry-go-round times. And it's pretty confusing for the outside person to keep up. Sometimes it's hard for the inside folks to keep up, too.

The Boss has been having a lot of merry-go-round times lately. Lots of stress, and dealing with my stuff and our girlfriend's health. You know, life. But the thing about merry-go-rounds is that if you fight it, you'll get dizzy and vomit everywhere. But if you can make yourself relax and go along with it, you can learn to really enjoy the ride.

Round and round and round it goes, where it stops, nobody knows...

Littles' Night (Me)

This weekend, we're having a Littles' Night at our club. Now, in the kink community, a Little is someone who participates in Age Play. It's roleplay, where they take on the role of a child - infant, child, teen - and interact with someone else on that basis. In the multiple community, a Little is an alternate personality that is underage. I'm going to this party and I plan to let Kiara completely take over for the evening.

I/we feel safe being Kiara all evening at the club. Most people there already know that I'm multiple - I'm completely out to that community. And those that don't will simply assume that I'm age-playing, and it will work out fine that way. Also, several people will be going that I know Kiara cares about. One man that she's played with a little, another she has a huge crush on. And another multiple she knows, who also will be in little mode, I assume. And my sweetie will be there playing kitty-kat for the littles to play with too.

We're taking markers and printer-paper endrolls and coloring books. I hear there will be cookies and story time. We've both been excited about the party for a while now. Kiara picked out some new clothes to wear, and 'tested' the new markers. It should be a fun time.

Introductions & Terms (Me)

Today I promised introductions all around. There are seven folks inside my head, and yes, I've gotten to know most of them pretty well since we first started to acknowledge each other. Just imagine living with sixth other people, all sharing a bedroom. Eating most of your meals together, spending most of your time together. Having to negotiate who's turn it is to talk and who gets to control the TV remote, work the computer, or drive the car. You really become familiar with each other. These short descriptions can't begin to really describe each of us, but they'll serve as a quick reference.

Me - I'm the core personality, the 'original', if you will. At the moment, I'm thinking I may not use my given name here, in some mild attempt to protect my privacy a little. I suspect it's a losing battle that I'll give up. But for now, I'm just Me. I'm in charge around here - usually. I have a job and a family and hobbies and interests and friends, just like everyone else.

Kiara - my inner kid, who isn't always so 'inner'. She used to be rarely out, but she's grown brave in the last few months, and now she's probably out more than anyone else. When I first 'met' her (some words just really are inadequate for this), Ki slid between 8 and 11 years of age. I don't know why those ages, but she was very insistent that she was eight, or that she was eleven. But then she tried 6, and loved it. So for now, six years old is where she seems to be staying. She loves to have people read her stories and pet on her, and she loves coloring and shopping.

Sam - the bratty part of me. I'm pretty sarcastic and likely to tease; Sam takes it to a higher level. She's the primary sexual persona, as well. She's even more of a masochist than I am, and an attention hog as well - she will poke, prod, and pinch until she gets the attention she craves. She laughs a lot, and gets bored easily.

Rubi - the rebellious teen. You know that sullen emotional kid that stands in the corner and glares at the adults, just for the sin of being an adult? That's Rubi, seventeen and mad at the world. She has a lot of tendencies toward being self-destructive, or at least destructive. She takes over when the pain gets to be too much for Sam. Being depressed or angry will open the door for her to run things.

Update - Cherish - the slave personality. She came to our awareness later, in August 2011. She has trouble making choices on her own, but follows where she is led. She is at peace when submitting to her Master, but terrified if she has to deal with anyone else.

Jarett - the only male persona. He's pretty stereotypically hetero male, but a bit insecure at having the wrong equipment. It's been difficult to encourage him to take a turn being 'out', but his huge sense of responsibility for us all is usually the trigger to use. He often takes over the duties of driving for us.

Counselor - our manager (or babysitter). She is always observing us, and keeps a kind of running report in our head of events and conversations that we need to be aware of. She's there for advice, whether for one of us, or someone else. She has a very motherly personality, and likes to help things go smoothly. (Update - As of August 2011, Counselor will be using the name Lynn instead.)


Update - Paul- the boy. He came to our awareness in January 2012. He's an eleven-year-old boy with a strong memory of regular abuse. He's got some of Sam's snarkiness, but he's still young enough to need adult approval.

Silent One - This is an alter that doesn't come out except in moments of extreme trauma. In the past, when marital abuse became too much, everyone else 'checked out' and left this one to react. Reactions are minimal, usually consisting of a nearly catatonic state. It has only showed up a couple of times in the past several years.

Update - Gracelyn Rose - the lady. She came to awareness in February 2012. She is ladylike, proper, and well-behaved, and is drawn to the scent of roses.

Vocabulary List
There are some terms I'll use that may not mean quite the same thing to a singleton (that's all you non-multis out there) as they do to me. A quick list:
MPD, DID, multiplicity - Multiple Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder - the condition that makes me this way
alter, persona, personality - each of the seven alternate personalities
out, in front, on stage, driving - refers to the alter that is in control of the body and behavior at the moment
dissociation - the state of not being in control of the body, can include a lack of memory of that time
co-consciousness - Sometimes more than one alter is sharing control
shifting, switching, flipping - changing control from one alter to another. Sometimes it's a hard switch, very sudden. Other times it's a gentle shift from one to another





I'm no longer going to update the list of alters here - please see the introduction page for the list.

How Do I Get Started? (Me)

I'm not really sure how to get started on this blogging process. In a way I feel like I really need to have done this from the beginning, or it's not going to make sense. And it may not. The first bunch of posts may be wildly out of order and hard to understand, as I sort myself out.

But I was reading back through the blogs from Poly Mom, and it got me to thinking. She said in her profile, "Having found precious little to connect me with the experiences of others who are polyamorous moms, I decided to start my Poly Mom blog. I am documenting my experiences as I raise my family, and as I interact with others who may or may not be supportive of our choices. I hope to find people who can relate to me online, since so few people understand polyamory in real life."

I get that. My lifestyle is... unique (just like everyone else's). Blogging my experience may help me sort through things in my own mind. And just maybe it will help someone else. Maybe it will be of interest to someone who is discovering that they are multi, or that someone they care about is. Or it may be of academic interest to someone. I'm open to answering questions, certainly. Mostly I expect to use this blog to do some thinking out loud. Save my friends from having to listen to my long self-dissections.

I'm sure I won't be sticking to just the topic of being multiple. We're also kinky, and we lean toward being polyamorous. All these things overlap and affect each other. I may post several times in a day, or I might go weeks without. I'll try to hold myself to a minimum of once a week. A warning about pronouns... I/me/my could refer to just Me, the main/core personality, or could refer to the collective group of us. We/us/our would be for two or more of us, not just an individual personality. And some of the other personalities may choose to post from time to time - we'll try to assign a name in the title of each post, I think. So, I've put (Me) in this title, and will sign off for now. Tomorrow, introductions to the crowd!