The Mental Illness Happy Hour [Me]

Just a few minutes ago, I was looking around at my desk saying, "Okay, what's next?" And I realized, there's nothing that NEEDS to be next. I took a moment to just realize that. It's been weeks since I was close enough to caught up to be at that place, where sure, there are things to do, but nothing that I really need to do before the other things that I could be doing. I was stuck for a moment. I've been so caught up in being busy lately that I didn't know what to do. So I came here. I miss blogging so much. I certainly feel mentally healthier when I come here and write about what's going on with me. And finally my blog ended up at the top of my to-do list for a moment!

One of the things that have been taking time away from blogging is mentalpod.com - The Mental Illness Happy Hour. One of the people that came to my kink class for healthcare professionals recommended it to me. Twice. So I made a point of checking it out. I finished listening to my first podcast today - first of any kind; I don't know anything about this world of podcasting. It's very hard for me to listen and pay attention without something visual; I suspect I won't keep up with it very well. But I also went over to the forums and signed up. I described myself as a kink educator, and didn't say anything about being multiple. Maybe I'll get around to addressing it from that side of things as well. And I wrote the podcaster and offered to be a resource for him, maybe a guest blogger. I also read some of the blogs and guest blogs on there, and I wanted to share one or two here.

Here's one - a very positive self-assessment about Living With Mental Illness. I try to have this sort of outlook, and I appreciate Andrea sharing it. The other is by the podcaster, Paul, and it's about depression -The Power of Shame & Secrets. I love this intro:

I’m in a funk.   I don’t want help.    I don’t want the healthy solution.   I want the unhealthy distraction.
I want some fucking excitement.
I’m sad.   Not suicidal.   Just flat.   Nebraska flat.

I know how he feels. This is what I feel when I'm shaking into or out of a depression. Flat, bland, bored with myself and my feelings. I just want to feel. And that flat feeling can last for a long time, and it crops up again all the time. And every time, it makes me afraid that a depression is coming. But not too afraid, because I'm feeling too flat to care all that much.

It shows up in my sexual emotions first, I think. At least where people outside my head can see it. In the middle of sex, I'll be feeling kind of "Well, here I am. I guess this is fun, but if I were sleeping instead, that would be fine." Even more so as my partner is trying to arouse me, to interest me in sex. When I'm not flat, I'll initiate sometimes, but I'll usually wait for them to do so. When I get all flat, it's almost impossible to get myself feeling excited until the sex is actually happening. I've been there the last few days. I'm not depressed, but I'm not excited; I'm just a little flat. Sorry, Boss; please keep trying. I'll catch up to you soon, I hope.

Negative Emotions for Breakfast [Me]

I'm feeling incredibly negative this morning. I know it's not really a valid emotion, as in it's based on some very thin emotional responses. But I can feel it bogging me down, and it will take some effort to work through it today.

The major (but not only) starting-point of this is that Boss is sick. And when he's sick, he starts feeling unlovable, and thus unloved. None of us are extremely desirable when we're sick. We're messy and make unpleasant squishy noises and need someone to wait on us, but not require anything of us because we're too sick to do it. We can't concentrate and we're not capable of doing things for ourselves. So then we feel bad about requiring someone else to do for us, and the guilt just makes us feel worse. So then we try to just ignore our needs and not be so hard to take care of. But ignoring our own needs makes us feel like no one cares what our needs our, or that our needs just aren't even important enough to matter. Yeah, and so the pity-party just spirals down upon itself.

Boss is a master of this negative cycle. So he's feeling undesirable to the nth degree. And being all mopey and moist and down on himself, makes him hard to desire right now. Also, in trying to treat him gently in response to his sickness, I'm less demanding of his attention and action. Which translates in his fever-befuddled brain to I don't need him, and even don't want him. Which, of course, is not at all true. I'm just placing my needs and wants on hold until he's well enough to fulfill them.

So last night this cycle took a hard dip. He's in the living room being all moist and I'm on the computer. Sure, I could have been snuggling up with him on the couch, but he was watching something I didn't want to see. I did spend a little while in there letting Paul go through his leather kit and reorganize it. We had planned to work on Boss's leather last night, but Boss wasn't up to even changing shoes and sitting there for us. So it'll have to be another night.

I got done with my computer stuff for the evening, and went to my room to put up laundry and clean up a little. So yes, I left him. I was doing chores. My metamour was in there playing on the computer too, though, so it's not as if he was totally alone. When I got done with chores, I laid down on the bed to read for a while. Eventually, Boss came wandering in, and he cuddled up on me and started petting on me. It was very nice. So nice that I fell sort of asleep (okay, he may have caused that to happen on purpose). So I'm there drifting away and realize that he's whispering something at me (not really to me, as I'm out of it). Now, in that state, I do mumble to myself, and apparently I mumbled something that sounded like something that upset him, because the next thing I know, he's angry and wanting me to repeat and explain myself. I don't know what the heck he's talking about - I wasn't even awake - and then he takes off on a tangent about how I need to act like I desire him and I'm supposed to be seducing him.

I was, of course, confused and upset. And he was confused and upset. I wrote it off to him being sick and me being asleep and did my best to just go back to sleep, because he wasn't interested in talking reasonably, and I wasn't awake enough to do so. I went back to sleep. At some point during the night, I think there was an attempt on his part to snuggle and initiate sex, but I'm not sure what happened, because the next thing I'm aware of, he's flopping over with his back to me like I've offended him.

I don't know what's going on, exactly. I blame the sick and hope he gets better quickly. But I think he and Gracelyn need to have a talk. Or we need to have a fight. Or something.

Fallout [Me]

A couple of weeks ago, we had an incident that pretty much shut us down for wanting to write for a while. I wasn't planning to even mention it here on this blog, except that it is coloring a lot of other things for me. And Boss mentioned it on his blog, so I guess it's 'free domain' to speak about. If not, he'll tell me, and I'll remove this post.

We were visiting some friends. So we talked about the fact that we might swap up and have sex with them; that was all cool - exciting and fun, even. Until Boss had sex with her. Later, I asked Boss, just to confirm, about using condoms. And they didn't use a condom. And after he talked to her, he wasn't convinced that she's aware of her STD status and exposure. Which, knowing her typical choices, I'm not surprised. Which means I have to assume Boss has had exposure to something. Which means we're using condoms.

Upon finding this out, I lost my shit. I was suddenly feeling furious and betrayed and left out. Mostly betrayed. We've agreed that it's okay for us to have sex outside our relationship. But condoms have to be part of that, unless we've agreed to skip them. So I was really furious. I don't think I've ever been really angry with him before, and it took him by surprise how intensely I felt. Heck, it took me by surprise how intensely I felt.

Now, for me, that's not a gigantic deal. Stopping to put on a condom is just a momentary thing, and if I can absolutely trust that he will stop to do so, then I have no more worries. But for him, it has turned into a pretty gigantic deal. First, my anger and sense of betrayal, and his shock at getting hit with them, really crippled our relationship for a few days. He's facing a lot of guilt for stepping outside of our agreement, especially in the face of me being so angry about it. And I didn't try to soften it. I knew my anger at him needed to really be painful to him, to keep this from happening again.

Second, having to wear a condom really bangs into his sexual confidence. Boss's primary, in particular, is pretty bad about thinking with his penis first. Which means he'll forget that step of stopping for a condom if I don't pay attention and, when necessary, remind him. Except part of our dynamic is that I don't normally hold that little bit of control, and I give myself to him completely. So I feel like I'm holding back on him, and that's disappointing.

But his guilt and the bruise on his confidence have turned into some sexually submissive behavior from him. He has an alter that has always bent that direction, but we haven't been able to play with each other compatibly. But we're exploring that, to see it we can work it out. I'm really struggling with taking on the role of the dominant partner in sex. I can play the role, but I'm not feeling it.

The obvious solution is to have Rubi take over that role. But there are problems there, too. First, I've been a bit under-the-weather, health-wise, and haven't been switching much. I'm finally getting over that, so it may improve soon. Second, our relationship has been heavily grounded in him being in control, even over Rubi or any other strong-willed alter. He has to be in control of every one of us for him to keep all of us. It's hard to release that condition, even temporarily. And Third, it just isn't a comfortable role for us, to be actively dominant, sexually. But we're trying to at least create that 'acting role' to take on.

Boss has always been great about trying to take on compatible roles for what we need; now it's our turn. But it's not easy. Especially with a side of guilt hanging on for the ride.

Random Mishmash [Me]

So many things going on lately. A few random comments on things.

I woke up the other morning to hear our neighbors upstairs having sex. This made me both happy and sad. Happy that people are having sex, happy that it confirms the room above us houses adults (or at least people of age to be sexually active), and so there aren't kids upstairs hearing us. Sad because it's the first time I've heard them since we moved in back in April.

I went Kinky & Popular with a note about Red Flags in the community. That means that something I wrote on the fetish website generated enough hits (loves, comments, and views) to flag it as really popular. The kicker? I hadn't written it yet. I had only written an introduction, to come back later and finish it. Well, after it went K&P, I felt obligated to go ahead and finish the thing!

I almost never watch TV, but last night I made a point to be home to watch the Firefly reunion show on the Science Channel. This is big, because I only make that kind of effort over a TV show once or twice a year. So of course the cable went out - twice! - during the show.

Friends that are unreliable. There are a few in our (mine and Boss's) lives right now that keep making plans and cancelling (or just not bothering to remember to show up). Or they are really friendly and close and intimate one time we see them, but then standoffish the next. It's frustrating.

Two good weekends in a row, with no one crashing out or getting super depressed. Yay!

Speaking of depressing, the deck work is still ongoing. No end in sight, really. I hate owning a home.

I'm starting my Christmas shopping. I can't go in stores this time of year because I'm allergic to the cinnamon scent that's in all the Christmas potpourri and sprays. So I'm doing it all online.

One of my friends mentioned Sign Language in the context of a D/s relationship. I'd like to learn, and use, more. I'd like to try an occasional evening where I'm not allowed to talk at all, but have to sign for anything I want. I don't know if I can go very long without giving up and talking, though.

Kiara saw Disney in Concert this weekend at the Symphony. She was so happy she cried. There is something magical about the intensity of a six-year-old's happiness.

Seesaw Emotions [Me]

Last weekend was really rough. And Monday and Tuesday, I was still feeling pretty uncomfortable.

Tuesday night, we got together with someone who is new to recognizing that she's multiple, and new to exploring kink. And she had questions. My word, did she have questions. We spent two hours answering her questions, and she was very excited and sparkly in spirit. And we went home feeling very positive. At bedtime, Kiara was out and asked Boss to wrap her up in a sheet. She likes the comfort-feeling of bondage, whether rope or cloth or whatever. Rachel came out and tickled and teased and played with her a little, and we stayed wrapped up until we fell asleep.

So yesterday morning I woke up feeling a good bit better, feeling reasonably positive. We got one blog post written about being bald that's been on our 'ideas list' for a while, and got some ideas for some fiction writing detailed out a little bit more. So we were feeling pretty good. Work was pretty slow, and we read most of Hunger Games, and finished it. Kiara was out at suppertime and watched United States of Tara with Boss.

And then we went to bed, and fell apart again. To the point that Boss asked, this morning, why we were so upset with him. And we are upset with him, a little, but not really. We're upset. And that means that we're over-sensitive about things and get upset with him about stuff we normally wouldn't.

There's a lot of little things bothering me. We haven't had sex - not really - since the weekend. And since I pretty much lost the weekend, that means it's really been a while for me. I haven't had a good beating in nearly two weeks, and that always makes me jumpy. Sam's bored, which is not a good thing. And Rubi's been eyeing the scalpels again, about ready to entertain herself, since no one else is. Having both of the kids acting out is really stressful - Kiara used to be my destressor; her being unhappy really aches. I'm feeling rather un-useful at work. The deckwork at the house is incomplete and been sitting for over a week with no progress. The roof work is going to be an ordeal. I haven't gotten to really chat with my Mommy for a few weeks; we've been playing phone tag. With my metamour healing and grieving, and that making the Boss tense, I catch their tension and echo it. I have people that I care about and haven't been able to see in several weeks.

I am headed for a depression. I recognize that it's coming, and I hope I can head it off. Hopefully this weekend will have good play and fun sex and lot of socializing with people that are important to me. That will help.

And it's not as if there's nothing good going on in my life. Finally, for the first time in a very long time, I'm not terribly worried about money. I'm making more now where I am than my last job, and my spending has not quite caught up to that. My tenants are paying enough rent to make the house pay for itself. And even if something catastrophic happened, I'm not the only breadwinner in the household. I haven't had that - ever - in my adult life. And my daughter, oh my daughter makes me happy. I just got off the phone with her after a long chat. She's doing great at school and she's happy. She knows about my kink and poly and multiplicity, and she accepts them all happily. In fact, she wants to do a project at school about my being multiple, and asked if it was okay to take me as her example. I feel great about that, and I'm about to send her a lot of information. The educational classes I teach, Dungeon 101 and Kink 101, are doing well. Kink 101 is a new class that I've only taught once, but there are some opportunities on the horizon for them. I have been flirting with someone that could turn out to be a casual relationship for me. I would like that a lot. So there are good things going on. I just need to get past this depressive dip to enjoy them.

A Collection of Thoughts [Me]

I don't think the earring is going to make it. The hole's starting to feel and look infected again. And the new earring is too heavy; I can't sleep on that side while wearing it. Even Kiara seems to be wanting it gone - it gets in the way of our morning wake-up cuddling. Cherish is, of course, the main concern. But once the original earring was taken out, she doesn't seem to have the same attachment to the new one. And if it's better for the body for it to be gone...

We had another mash-up this morning. We woke up this morning with me out, but all mixed up with Kiara. And everyone else completely quiet. It wasn't uncomfortable, really, but it was different. Not like Kiara being out and me watching. The same kind of mash-up effect as Cherish had with Silent One last weekend.

Boss has tried renaming Silent One. Instead of SO, he reversed it to OS, and he pronounces it 'Oz'. I suggested NoSSO, for Not So Silent One, would be better. Either way, it doesn't answer to the name, though. It doesn't know why he's making that noise at it. It did pick up a few deliberate noises, though. When it was all mashed up with Cherish, it may have picked up some understanding of language. It made a lip-smacking sound when he said 'kiss', and an 'F' sound for fingers. And he said it very clearly said, "Hi" at one point. I wonder if the language pieces will stick when it's not all mashed up.

This morning, when I was mashed with Kiara, she finally started getting sleepy. And maybe because we were so strongly mixed, I was able to 'see' myself taking her by her hand and leading her back to her room, tucking her in, and getting a nose-kiss goodnight. Then I was able to come back to the front, and my vision cleared about and I was in front all solo. It was very sweet.

We stopped doing our DnD gaming. I'm not doing any role-play gaming now. And it's making me want to write again. Writing/roleplaying is therapy for me. My own self-directed therapy. I'm thinking about looking up my old Star Trek RPG. Or maybe writing some fiction. I might get some friends to co-write with me. I've always enjoyed things I've co-written better.

Sam has started doing a little bedroom role-play with Boss. In the middle of sex or cuddling or whatever, he'll say something to indicate what 'scene' he's feeling like, and Sam's started jumping right in to play that role. She's the most verbal of us during sex, and the most 'out for fun', so it makes sense that she'd jump in for that.

We saw Bear last night. Once a week, we've started going to a trivia night thing that he's doing. And Sam's been the one going to it. She's enjoying hanging with him, and she's got a 'date' to play with him this weekend. She's made no pretense to him of being Me, but he hasn't acknowledged it. He also hasn't shied away from it. He also hasn't, say, asked after Kiara, who won't come out around him at all. Might be interesting for aftercare this weekend.

Well, there's a bunch of collected thoughts for you. They actually are connected to each other, if you know where to look. None quite justifying their own post. But these are things going on with us right now.

Monogamously Poly (Me)

So I just realized that the last time I've had sex with anyone other than Boss was in January. Right, that's six months of being monogamous sexually; something I neither intended nor expected. And yet it's working.

Why? Perhaps I'm content to have been only with him sexually is because we do have frequent and varied sex. Mix his alters with my alters, and most of us have a taste for variety, and there's no telling what's going to happen. The sex definitely is not settling into a rut of any sort. If we do get in a pattern, it usually lasts a week or two, and then new alters show new needs. And there you go.

And the sex is frequent; we rarely go more than a night or two without having sex. The nights we do skip it are because one or both of us are too tired, and we still make a point of snuggling and being close, usually even closer.

Or maybe the reason I'm content to be with just him is because I don't have to be. I know that if I showed an interest in someone as a sexual partner, he would be perfectly fine with that, even encouraging me. So the fact that there isn't a barrier there limiting me means I don't feel the need to test it. I can have sex with someone else if I want; I just don't want to right now. And that might change tomorrow; it might not.

So even though I'm currently monogamous sexually, I'm still in a poly relationship. Boss still has two girls that love him, me and my metamour. And we're all happy together. Isn't life grand?

Do We Look Queer To You? [Me]

I've been thinking a lot lately about sexual identity. As a whole, rather than as an individual. If we're having a conversation, and you ask my orientation, well, I'm a straight female. Absolutely heterosexual, and no doubt female, despite my tomboyish tendencies.

But I'm not the only one in here, and as much as various alters are getting 'face time' these days, it's time to consider 'our' orientation as opposed to 'my' orientation. Cherish certainly shares my straight orientation, in fact holds it to a further extreme, with many overtones of the Gorean subculture.

Sam and Rubi are definitely female, and they both seem to have a clear preference for men in play and in sex, but I get the sense that it's not as defined a preference. The only stopping point being that we like having a penis involved in our sex, so we want a man in our bed. But there are plenty of sexual activities we like that don't have to involve a penis, or where a manufactured one would work well enough. So I guess they would qualify as 'heteroflexible'.

The Boss has a female alter, which matches nicely with my male alter, Jarett. He will only participate in sexual activity with the Boss if he is certain she is out; he wants nothing to do with any male alters in that realm. So the penis is pointing the wrong way, but it works out for them. But Kiara also sometimes shows a preference for his female alter, though she's also happy with his primary 'face', too. Mostly she just wants attention from her adult, and she gets it. But though I haven't had the opportunity to test it, I suspect she would somewhat prefer female partners.

My other male alter, Paul, only wants that kind of attention from a male, however. He's only starting to admit it, but the rest of us are certain, that the boy is gay. Silent One doesn't seem to register gender, nor have one of its own. Lynn and Gracelyn have both stated that they have no interest in sex on their own. Lynn because she would rather remain impartial, and Gracelyn because she has objections to the messiness and violence of the activity.

So here's what we've got:
2 heterosexual females
2 heteroflexible females
1 bisexual female
1 heterosexual male
1 homosexual male
2 nonsexual females
1 non-gender-differentiating

Confusing enough there. So I looked up 'queer' on my friend the wikipedia.

The range of what "queer" includes varies. In addition to referring to LGBT-identifying people, it can also encompass: pansexual, pomosexual, intersexual, genderqueer, asexual and autosexual people, and even gender normative heterosexuals whose sexual orientations or activities place them outside the heterosexual-defined mainstream, e.g., BDSM practitioners, or polyamorous persons.

Well, that certainly seems to fit. Starting with the BDSM and polyamory, I've been queer all along! So we're going to use the term Queer to refer to our orientation as a system for now, even if not for me as an individual.

Setting Up The Light Bank - A Little Internal Wiring Challenge [Me]

So now that the dam has broken, I have a few topics I want to blog about. You're ready for that, right, readers? I mean, you haven't had anything to read from me in over a week.

So with all the mess going on in my head the last couple of weeks, we've been discussing internally what the underlying problems were, and what kind of measures we can take to prevent the same kind of lock-up in our mental works.

One problem that seemed to come around is alters showing up in places and at times that aren't appropriate for who that alter is. Like Paul showing up at the club. Yes, he wants to watch people there, but he seems a bit frightened by the kink behavior. So he really needs to stay away at the club. Just like Rubi needs to not be around my family or at work. And Gracelyn has expressed a wish to avoid both sex and kink. We need a system.

Written and verbal cues don't work all the time for all of us. At the very least, Silent One doesn't use language, so any language-based cues are going to be a problem. Several of us have discussed it, and here's what we've come up with.

We're going to experiment with a warning light system. In a recording studio, radio station, or what-have-you, they have the On-Air light that warns you when it's safe to enter, and when you need to stay outside. Theaters use colored gels on the lights to set the mood. There's a blue security light at the club that can be activated from the front desk. The Terrorist Threat Level system is based on colors - a little too complicated, as I recall, but still, it seems like a good system, potentially.

We associate red with sex. So there will be a red light in the Sharing Room, opposite the door to the 'Front Office'. When it's on, there's sex-stuff going on. Those who are not interested in sex will be able to see the light from the back hallway, and avoid the common Sharing Room entirely. That would be Gracelyn Rose and Lynn, and anyone else who just isn't in the mood.

We decided to use Blue to indicate kink-play is going on. Some things will probably be painful, and those that want to avoid the kink, or the pain, or both, should not come out when the blue light is on. That would be Grace, Lynn, Jarett, and Paul. Jarett has been asked to help keep Paul out of kinky situations, including simply hanging out at the club. Kiara will check with someone else before coming out in the blue light, to see if it's pain-play or not.

And we also wanted a light to indicate 'Free Play'. We'll turn on a green light when it's safe for anyone to come out that wants to, without waiting for the situation, or the boyfriend, to call them out. Sometimes it's rude to just walk into the front room, like when I'm at work or presenting a class or talking to my parents. Some of us are more timid about just inviting themselves to front unless they've been called. By putting on the Green Light, we're saying that if someone is just in the mood to come out, they are encouraged to do so. This will probably be times at home when nothing in particular is going on.

And a crisis light. We're going to use the yellow light to indicate that we are struggling, that things are not going smoothly. And during these times, it would be great if everyone could keep things quiet, maybe even stay in their rooms (those that have them). If we can keep things calm, then I can work on settling things down.

The lights will be controlled from the Watching Room, where Lynn will have control of the switches to turn them off and on as needed. This is an experiment, so we'll see how it works.

Conjunction of Timing [Me]

Gentlemen, there will be some discussion here of menstruation - if it squicks you, stop reading now.

Sometimes two completely unrelated circumstances fit together in unfortunate ways. This weekend am I going to accept my boyfriend's collar. I'm very excited - it's equivalent to a wedding, really, except without the annoying legal issues and filing paperwork and changing my name. We have all sorts of things planned, a whole ceremony at the BDSM club with all our friends invited and everything.

Well, as part of the preparations for the ceremony and scene, he's placed a couple of restrictions on me. One is that I must avoid any activities that might create damage to my body. We want my body to be as completely healed as possible for the ceremony. It will involve him using a whip on me until I break and give in to him, and for it to have the fullest meaning possible,  I must not have other injuries. Which means that for the past few weeks, I've played lightly or not at all. We've allowed no cutting, either.

For this week, he's also put me on restriction that I may not have any orgasms - not even through masturbation. This isn't really to make the scene better; it's because he can. Also so that I'll be wanting pretty badly by the time I get there. And maybe it'll help smooth the way to process the pain as pleasure. But mostly, I think it's to be mean, because he can. And I'm okay with that.

At least, I was until this morning. When my period started. Now, some months are barely noticeable, pain-wise. Some feel like dying. And of course, this month is the latter. The pain has been so strong all day long that I've had trouble concentrating on conversations I've had. When you talk on the phone for a living, that's a problem. I've written before about my problems with pain meds, so you'll understand that I haven't taken any. When the cramps hit at home, alcohol and hot baths help. But at work, taking a walk and waiting for it to pass is about all I've got. Or sneaking off to the bathroom and masturbating. Orgasms do reduce period cramps. Oh wait, I'm not allowed any right now.

So the other option I've got is to try to share some of the sensation out to my alters. I can't switch completely, because I'm at work. But maybe just some help? Jarett and Paul are out - when I'm on my period, Jarett stays out of the body, and I'm betting Paul will follow him. Kiara doesn't like pain, and won't stick around for it. Cherish can often block some pain in a single part of our body. But these cramps are in several places, and she just can't get them all without coming fully out. And she can't do that at work. Obviously Rubi can't be at work, either, and without an opponent to focus on, the pain doesn't mean anything to her. Lynn doesn't know what to do with physical pain.

So that leaves me and Sam. When Sam's out at work, her snarkiness tends to get me in trouble. And as she says, this pain ain't sexy in any way. So I'm trying to share enough with her that I can function, without having her telling off my customers or coworkers. Mostly I've just huddled in my cubicle waiting for time to go home.

The good part of this is that it's starting several days before the scene. I would really hate for it to have started Friday. It may even be done by Friday. And tonight is a night that I have planned to stay home. A hot bath, a sangria, and some comfort food. Yeah, I'll feel better in a few hours.

Man Time [Me]

I've only ever written one post specifically about Jarett. A lot of that is that he just isn't 'out' that often. Also, he's not interested in the kink. And some of it's that I just don't know what to say about him; or what to do with him. To date, Jarett's role has been mostly that of a chauffeur. He does a lot of our driving. He's occasionally come out to have dinner or do some girl-watching. But he's not usually out on purpose for any length of time, the way Kiara or Cherish might often be.

That's beginning to change. You see, the boyfriend has a female alter, named Rachel. And we have recently discovered - Surprise! - that certain positions bring out both Rachel and Jarett. Or at least bring out one of them, and that causes the other to come out to match. They have a lot in common, after all. They're both trapped in the wrong kind of body. But once the bodies are fit together, it can be made to work.

With a few successful ventures out, I've seen a lot of new confidence in Jarett's demeanor. He's also been paying more attention when I masturbate on my own - after all, here is his very own female body to play with and test ideas out on. And when I encourage him to then share the front, he has some real earmarks of a sexual sadist. It's a delicate balance, having him in control of part of the body but keep the sensations flowing through me instead.

Only once so far have we been able to bring both Jarett and Rachel out together, not in the middle of sex. But they got to actually talk, and play around - even flirt. It's really amazing to watch from the sidelines and see how different Jarett is in our body. His movements are different, his voice is lower. He's got that macho need to appear to be in control, but I can hear his thoughts of insecurity. Add to that, he has to figure out how to treat a male body as a female. When he's never been with another female before. Some experimentation is in order. And since I can see a lot of his thoughts, I'm looking forward to the experiments he's thinking about.

While You Were *Not* Out ... [Me]

How do you keep track of significant events in your life? What about significant events that occur within your household? Because that's really more what it's like, for us. I've got to remember schedules and events not just for myself, but for each of us. And even without the multiplicity, I have a terrible memory. I won't speak for the rest, but I suspect it's not just me. Also, when you dissociate, your time-sense tends to be a little... fluid. Two days ago, last week, a month ago - all those memories can 'feel' about the same distance ago. So if we've been switching around a lot, a conversation I had a couple of days ago may feel like it happened forever ago. And if another alter was mostly in control during that conversation, I might just not know it happened at all.

Which has turned me/us into a compulsive list-maker. I keep lists for groceries, movies I own, books I want to read, things I want to buy. I also keep lists for when I last changed my contacts, when I've had sex, when I've had injuries, when I've taken medicine, movies I've watched, repairs that need done at home. I also keep a calendar online and try to put everything on there. I use 30boxes.com, for those that are looking for one - it's accessible through Facebook or as a standalone. Events that are coming up, of course, are on there, along with holidays and birthdays. But I also put someone's name on the calendar if they're to be my ride to something. Calls I need to make, events going on that I'm NOT going to - things important to my daughter or my friends.

Now, here's the trick - things have to get ON the calendar for me to remember they're there. Which means, if I make plans with someone or anything else that needs to be recorded, expect to see me whip out my cellphone and send a text - to my email. We all know to do this, and then when I get to a computer, I get to put all those email notes into my calendar or on the appropriate list.

But not everything belongs on a list. For instance, one of the alters has sex with someone, I'm going to record that it happened and with whom, but not any details. Which gets interesting when they ask Me, or a different alter, how we felt about a certain thing they did. Unless you're talking to the same alter, we might not have access to that information. Or we might not have gotten it recorded yet. Or there might be a question of, "how did that bruise/mark/sore spot get there?"

Sometimes this is information we need to share in the short-term. So we have a kind of internal whiteboard where we jot quick notes to the group. It could be something like, "dinner with Ben Tuesday, put on calendar", if we can't get to the cellphone at that point. Or we might have something like, "tripped and jammed toe - sorry!" or even "Joe's having a hard time, get Lynn to talk to him".

So if you're chatting with one of us, and mention something that happened a few days ago, and we respond as if it was a month ago, please be patient with us. There's not a lot to distinguish length of time ago internally. A casual reminder that it was two days ago is appreciated, and may even jog the memory loose, especially if it's one we're trying to pick up from another alter. Brief turns of phrase within the conversation might be remembered when the topic of the conversation was forgotten. A reminder might help me find it on the 'whiteboard'.

And if you make plans with one of us, please encourage us to record it by cell-phone, lest we forget. I forgot an evening planned with someone very special to me last week.... no, this week - three days ago - because I had not recorded it. It hurt his feelings, I think, and then that hurt ours because we do so love spending time with him, but were double-booked.

Corrupting the Not-So-Innocent (Me)

So this weekend one of my friends (we'll call her B) stayed at the Motel, and events conspired to push her comfort zones in all the right ways. Last night, Kiara shifted to the front, and brought out the crayons and storybooks. I had warned B just an hour or two earlier that it felt likely I'd be shifting around some, so it didn't take her completely off-guard. And since two of the minions were there, and they took it in stride, she did too. She pretty quickly relaxed and ended up coloring as well, though at the other side of the room, not together. Of course, after the rest of the weekend, one little coming out wasn't that big a deal for her.

Now, B's not vanilla - she's as kinky as the rest of us. But she's stated very firmly that she just doesn't get being poly, even at the dating relationship level. As it happens, both of the minions at the house at the time are guys I am in a relationship with. And this is where the poly comes in - both the guys know I'm with the other, and both are happy with the situation. It's not polyamory in the sense that we have any permanent relationships; none of us are likely to marry or anything. But it is close enough to poly for someone that doesn't get poly.

So Me, B, and the two fellas were all hanging out, and my boyfriend started putting some moves on B. Okay, we're all cuddly folks, she's an attractive lady, we were having a good time. And so she found herself cuddled up with my boyfriend. Occasionally glancing my way to see if I minded. Of course I didn't. In fact, I was curled up with my other guy at the time, anyway. So eventually, it was bedtime for me, and away I went. When I got to my room, I texted her that she was welcome to 'borrow' the boyfriend for the night, but to send one of the guys in to me eventually.

I think that one threw her. I would be happy with either guy in my bed. She had hit it off with the boyfriend. Why shouldn't all four of us have an enjoyable night snuggled up with a willing partner? I was happy that my boyfriend and my friend were enjoying each others' company, and I got to snuggle with someone I cared about too.The way I see it, it was a win all around.

But the next day, when she started telling me how great the sex was, I did have to laugh at her. "Wait," I said. "Is this the same woman that told me yesterday she couldn't handle poly relationships and didn't get them?" So now she's got some thinking to do. Exploring how she feels about this particular set-up and poly in general. Hey B, look up the word 'compersion' and think upon the results - I think you might find it interesting.

We'll Make a Man Out of Us (Me)

I've decided to embark on a campaign to bring Jarett out a little more. It seems like I've focused a lot on Kiara lately (because it's easy to do so), and it feels right for it to be Jarett's turn. So I started off by asking him about things he likes, and things he'd like to try.

One thing that came out quickly is that he doesn't always feel comfortable in the clothes I typically wear. I don't tend to wear extremely girly stuff anyway, but blouses that show a hint of cleavage do turn up a lot in my wardrobe, and I'll wear a little jewelry. Those are girl clothes, and Jarett's not so happy wearing them. So we made a few shopping trips. Last night I picked him up a couple of shirts, ones with stripes or patterns that would camouflage the curves underneath the shirt. Last week I bought a hat for him - something between a cowboy hat and Indiana Jones. And then there's the purse. He feels silly carrying a purse around - understandable - so I'm thinking of a satchel-type thing, something a guy might carry just as easily as a woman. And I'll save the pretty purse for days I'm being girly. Jewelry - turns out earrings aren't a problem, because I/he/we can't see them. But a bracelet is very distracting. And at some point I'd like to get him a suit-jacket, maybe eventually a full suit. With a fedora to match. Hey, if we're gonna dress all manly, we could at least be a well-turned-out man, right?

Okay, next. Jarett has expressed a preference for country music. So one button on my radio is set to country now. And I want to have him sample some various drinks. I tend to drink girly fruity low-alcohol drinks. I can't stomach beer at all, and I'm betting the coconscious overlap will mean he can't drink it either. So I've got to think about that and see what he likes. Could he be a wine man?

As he gets more comfortable being out, I'm interested to see how he'll interact with people. I get the feeling he's a firm-handshake-how-are-ya kind of person when it comes to greetings, whereas we girls are huggers. Will that change in greetings be enough to clue in my friends that Jarett's in front? A friend has expressed some interest in flirting with Jarett and spending some time with him on purpose, with some romantic overtones implied, and that sounds like a good idea.

But that brings up sex. Can he/we have sex in a male role? I'm definitely straight, not interested in women that way. Tried it, didn't work for me. But Jarett's into women - can I pull away from consciousness enough for him to be comfortable playing in that realm? And what do we do if it actually goes that far - he doesn't have the equipment naturally. We're assuming a strap-on or a feeldoe or something will be the answer. Then again, I know men who have male equipment that play quite intensely without ever dropping their pants and actually having penetrative sex. I suspect the key to being successful here is whether or not the person he's with sees me/him/us as a male who happens to be in My female body, or whether they are looking at us as a female having girl-girl interactions. It'll be an interesting experiment when/if we get that far.

So, things to think about as we embark on bringing out our male alter. Wish him confidence and luck with the ladies, as well as with himself.