Metamour has found an apartment and is moving out this weekend. My daughter is starting to look pretty seriously at a couple different places. And I've definitely crossed the line to considering my relationship with MK done.
It's a weird way to end a relationship. I mean, I've gone through some relationships, so I've gone through some breakups. I've had two divorces. And I've always at least known when the end occurred. I've been dumped by text. I've come home to find he's moved out. I've even been told by the new girlfriend. But I've never had a relationship just... ignored to death.
I'm really pleased to see how little this has messed with the system in my head. Both of the kids have been out about as much as normal. Paul's recently gotten a LOT of new Legos, so he and Kiara have been building up and taking apart and sorting and storing on an almost daily basis. Kiara was out for supper last night; not for any particular reason, but just because, and she was cheerful and nice. Rubi had a scene at the club last weekend, and it went great. Sam's even poked her head out (and her tongue) a few times recently that I've been aware of.
So yeah, things are progressing. Now, after Metamour gets moved out, dealing with MK is next. The original plan is that he was going to move into her room - so that he would be more accessible and there would be more interaction between the three of us, and we could work on our relationship of three... I'm guessing that won't be happening that way. Once she's out, then I'll take him on. One thing at a time.
Showing posts with label Kiara. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kiara. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Status Update (Me)
Catching up again. I keep catching up so that I can then post about something I want to talk about, but I don't seem to get past the catching up. Maybe this time?
No big changes in my head. Sam and Rubi came out to play at the club this past weekend (I'm finally healthy enough to play reasonably again!), and Paul and Kiara come out from time to time, though not nearly as much as they used to. Glass is still there in the background, and that seems to be it.
The dental work is done - I had two teeth pulled, and I've recovered from that. MK has been having some dental work too, and he's about done - including two teeth pulled. Boss started his new job, and once the health benefits kick in, he can get his dental work done.
One reason that we've been able to get the dental stuff worked on is that there is more money in the household, because I SOLD THE HOUSE! After almost a year on the market, I'm no longer paying a mortgage on a house I don't live in. That's had a lot of trickle-down effects on us. First, the money to do the dental work. Second, my daughter lost her place to stay, so she's camping at our house, in Paul and Kiara's room upstairs. That could be contributing to their being out less, maybe? I don't know. Third, we've rebalanced how much money each of us is contributing to the Household pot. Which means Boss gets some fiscal relief, too.
He'll need the extra money to buy a car before long. He's driving my truck for now to the new job, which seems to be working out just fine. It does mean he leaves much earlier in the day and comes home later, and I don't get to carpool with him. That's taken away some 'together-time' that we really could use. We're still struggling to redefine our relationship without a collar involved, as well as our/the three of us relationship.
Metamour is still working on getting out. She thought she had a job, but then spent a week in the hospital and had surgery and all. She's recovering well, and should be much healthier than she has been, but the initial job is now unsuitable for her. The first goal was for her to move out by the first of April, and she hasn't, but we didn't really expect to make that goal. She is doing a lot of searching for jobs and apartments, however, and seems to be genuinely trying.
The biggest worry I have right now is MK. Boss and I are arguing a good bit, and because of that I'm focusing a lot on trying to fix some of those issues, and in the meantime I'm ignoring MK way more than is fair. However, the fights Boss and I are having are more airing of grievances between equals than they were before, and I feel like we're struggling instead of just plain failing. I'm not as depressed, just frustrated. The good side of the relationship stuff is that MK and Boss and I are all going out as a group of three more often. Usually to the movies, but that usually means a meal before or after as well. I do find that encouraging.
I think that as Metamour does eventually get moved out, and my daughter gets a place of her own, the three of us are beginning to have a chance to work. So I'm still feeling hopeful overall, even if I have moments of feeling doomed and failing.
No big changes in my head. Sam and Rubi came out to play at the club this past weekend (I'm finally healthy enough to play reasonably again!), and Paul and Kiara come out from time to time, though not nearly as much as they used to. Glass is still there in the background, and that seems to be it.
The dental work is done - I had two teeth pulled, and I've recovered from that. MK has been having some dental work too, and he's about done - including two teeth pulled. Boss started his new job, and once the health benefits kick in, he can get his dental work done.
One reason that we've been able to get the dental stuff worked on is that there is more money in the household, because I SOLD THE HOUSE! After almost a year on the market, I'm no longer paying a mortgage on a house I don't live in. That's had a lot of trickle-down effects on us. First, the money to do the dental work. Second, my daughter lost her place to stay, so she's camping at our house, in Paul and Kiara's room upstairs. That could be contributing to their being out less, maybe? I don't know. Third, we've rebalanced how much money each of us is contributing to the Household pot. Which means Boss gets some fiscal relief, too.
He'll need the extra money to buy a car before long. He's driving my truck for now to the new job, which seems to be working out just fine. It does mean he leaves much earlier in the day and comes home later, and I don't get to carpool with him. That's taken away some 'together-time' that we really could use. We're still struggling to redefine our relationship without a collar involved, as well as our/the three of us relationship.
Metamour is still working on getting out. She thought she had a job, but then spent a week in the hospital and had surgery and all. She's recovering well, and should be much healthier than she has been, but the initial job is now unsuitable for her. The first goal was for her to move out by the first of April, and she hasn't, but we didn't really expect to make that goal. She is doing a lot of searching for jobs and apartments, however, and seems to be genuinely trying.
The biggest worry I have right now is MK. Boss and I are arguing a good bit, and because of that I'm focusing a lot on trying to fix some of those issues, and in the meantime I'm ignoring MK way more than is fair. However, the fights Boss and I are having are more airing of grievances between equals than they were before, and I feel like we're struggling instead of just plain failing. I'm not as depressed, just frustrated. The good side of the relationship stuff is that MK and Boss and I are all going out as a group of three more often. Usually to the movies, but that usually means a meal before or after as well. I do find that encouraging.
I think that as Metamour does eventually get moved out, and my daughter gets a place of her own, the three of us are beginning to have a chance to work. So I'm still feeling hopeful overall, even if I have moments of feeling doomed and failing.
Monday, February 9, 2015
Resolutions, Not the New Years Kind (Me)
It's time to catch my readers up on what's going on. There are a number of situations that have impacted us lately that all seem to have been resolved or moving quickly toward a resolution. I feel like things are going to start getting better from this point on. Here's hoping.
Glass seems to be sticking around, but just in the background. Paul and Kiara have both been out a little bit lately; not back to normal, but enough that I'm not worried about them. Sam and Rubi haven't really been out, but I can hear them around inside. So we're back to six people for now.
I'm still dealing with dental work. We made two attempts at the root canal, and couldn't get it through. So we're having the tooth pulled, along with another that was slated for extraction. That'll be this Friday, and then that should be the end of things going on with my teeth, I hope.
I mentioned before that Boss lost his job about a month ago. There were a couple of jobs out of town that he was looking at; and I had already decided I wasn't willing to move out of town if he took them. So we were scared that the job thing was going to force us to break up. Well, last Friday he accepted a new job, and it's in town. So all the stress that goes with unemployment is handled. There may be a week or two break in the income stream, but we've already prepared for that.
Now, this means that Boss is going to need a car. I have a second vehicle, a truck, but my daughter has been driving it. Well, she bought a car this weekend, so we'll have the truck back. It's not a good choice for Boss to drive to/from work forever, but it'll do just fine for a while. Timing sometimes works out really well.
As part of the discussions about out-of-town jobs, MK and I talked a lot about whether he and I and Boss were a viable relationship. Even if Boss took a job in town, all of us splitting up and moving out separately was an option we were looking at. And we had to wait for a job to be picked up before we could really make any decisions. The three of us have decided to keep pushing to make things work. Knowing that we are all three committed to that really eases my mind and gives me some hope that we can succeed. I'm feeling pretty good about things in that realm now.
Part of what we have to work on is the change in my relationship with Boss. A few weeks back, just before the job loss was announced, I think, I decided I could no longer wear Boss's collar. I have tried to be his submissive, but I felt like I was failing at it all the time. I think part of that comes from losing Cherish and Stephanie, and even Gracelyn. So we are going to try being boyfriend and girlfriend (and boyfriend) instead. This is new territory for us, but hopefully this will turn into something where we all feel like we're succeeding more.
Now, I did say the three of us, and there are four people in our family. It's been decided that the Metamour will be transitioning out of our household over the next few months. That relationship has just not proved to be salvageable, so we're working on changing that. So now she's doing the job search thing, and trying to plan out what she's going to be doing instead. That has the potential to turn into a lot of stress in the household, but we're all going to help her as much as we can reasonably do so.
Oh, and I'm finally over the Yearly Ick. With all the situations beginning to resolve, the despair and hopelessness and depression is lifting. So things are looking up, and I think they'll continue to do so.
Glass seems to be sticking around, but just in the background. Paul and Kiara have both been out a little bit lately; not back to normal, but enough that I'm not worried about them. Sam and Rubi haven't really been out, but I can hear them around inside. So we're back to six people for now.
I'm still dealing with dental work. We made two attempts at the root canal, and couldn't get it through. So we're having the tooth pulled, along with another that was slated for extraction. That'll be this Friday, and then that should be the end of things going on with my teeth, I hope.
I mentioned before that Boss lost his job about a month ago. There were a couple of jobs out of town that he was looking at; and I had already decided I wasn't willing to move out of town if he took them. So we were scared that the job thing was going to force us to break up. Well, last Friday he accepted a new job, and it's in town. So all the stress that goes with unemployment is handled. There may be a week or two break in the income stream, but we've already prepared for that.
Now, this means that Boss is going to need a car. I have a second vehicle, a truck, but my daughter has been driving it. Well, she bought a car this weekend, so we'll have the truck back. It's not a good choice for Boss to drive to/from work forever, but it'll do just fine for a while. Timing sometimes works out really well.
As part of the discussions about out-of-town jobs, MK and I talked a lot about whether he and I and Boss were a viable relationship. Even if Boss took a job in town, all of us splitting up and moving out separately was an option we were looking at. And we had to wait for a job to be picked up before we could really make any decisions. The three of us have decided to keep pushing to make things work. Knowing that we are all three committed to that really eases my mind and gives me some hope that we can succeed. I'm feeling pretty good about things in that realm now.
Part of what we have to work on is the change in my relationship with Boss. A few weeks back, just before the job loss was announced, I think, I decided I could no longer wear Boss's collar. I have tried to be his submissive, but I felt like I was failing at it all the time. I think part of that comes from losing Cherish and Stephanie, and even Gracelyn. So we are going to try being boyfriend and girlfriend (and boyfriend) instead. This is new territory for us, but hopefully this will turn into something where we all feel like we're succeeding more.
Now, I did say the three of us, and there are four people in our family. It's been decided that the Metamour will be transitioning out of our household over the next few months. That relationship has just not proved to be salvageable, so we're working on changing that. So now she's doing the job search thing, and trying to plan out what she's going to be doing instead. That has the potential to turn into a lot of stress in the household, but we're all going to help her as much as we can reasonably do so.
Oh, and I'm finally over the Yearly Ick. With all the situations beginning to resolve, the despair and hopelessness and depression is lifting. So things are looking up, and I think they'll continue to do so.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Littles' Party
No more posts recently because we've been completely unhappy. Relationships are falling apart; Boss lost his job; we've all been sick; I have both a tooth extraction and a root canal coming up. I don't know what's happening or going to happen. So I'll try to write about just the multiplicity part.
Since about Christmas, I've been sick. I call it my 'Yearly Ick', because I get it around the holidays each year.When I'm sick, nobody wants to come out in the body. When I'm fighting with Boss, nobody wants to come out and be around him. So I've been very much alone in the body for weeks now. In the last week or so, I've finally started to feel healthy enough that some alters will sneak out for short bursts. I have a video game on my tablet that Paul seems to like a lot. Kiara's got new toys since Christmas, as well as a new mattress in their room upstairs. So she's been out some. Sam came out just long enough to tease MK about something - poorly, because he didn't know it was her and it was about a sensitive subject - which lead to me having to offer an apology. She really doesn't know how to interact with him well.
But last night there was a Littles' Party at the club, and Kiara was definitely excited about it. All week, she's been coming out closer and closer to the front, letting me know what she planned to wear and what she wanted to take with her. When both MK and Boss indicated they'd like to go, well... new fighting, but it was resolved. So we all went. And almost had no kids at all.
The party hostess for the night is someone that seems to really want to be bestest friends with each of my alters and each of Boss's. However, most of us really just don't like her. She tries too hard. It feels like she wants to be friends with us just to be able to say, "Well, I'm close friends with several multiples, and..." So as we came in the door, all as our primary selves, carrying bags and needing to check in, she off and greets our littles by name, Kiara and Boss's little too. Since neither of them were out, but were all excited inside because they new they were coming to a party, it was really triggery. Kiara almost refused to come out at all at that point. I knew that wouldn't last, so we just got dressed in her clothes and let her calm down. But Boss's little is pretty shy anyway, so I knew that would be bad for him. Either way, everyone managed to have a low-key good time and play some.
Since about Christmas, I've been sick. I call it my 'Yearly Ick', because I get it around the holidays each year.When I'm sick, nobody wants to come out in the body. When I'm fighting with Boss, nobody wants to come out and be around him. So I've been very much alone in the body for weeks now. In the last week or so, I've finally started to feel healthy enough that some alters will sneak out for short bursts. I have a video game on my tablet that Paul seems to like a lot. Kiara's got new toys since Christmas, as well as a new mattress in their room upstairs. So she's been out some. Sam came out just long enough to tease MK about something - poorly, because he didn't know it was her and it was about a sensitive subject - which lead to me having to offer an apology. She really doesn't know how to interact with him well.
But last night there was a Littles' Party at the club, and Kiara was definitely excited about it. All week, she's been coming out closer and closer to the front, letting me know what she planned to wear and what she wanted to take with her. When both MK and Boss indicated they'd like to go, well... new fighting, but it was resolved. So we all went. And almost had no kids at all.
The party hostess for the night is someone that seems to really want to be bestest friends with each of my alters and each of Boss's. However, most of us really just don't like her. She tries too hard. It feels like she wants to be friends with us just to be able to say, "Well, I'm close friends with several multiples, and..." So as we came in the door, all as our primary selves, carrying bags and needing to check in, she off and greets our littles by name, Kiara and Boss's little too. Since neither of them were out, but were all excited inside because they new they were coming to a party, it was really triggery. Kiara almost refused to come out at all at that point. I knew that wouldn't last, so we just got dressed in her clothes and let her calm down. But Boss's little is pretty shy anyway, so I knew that would be bad for him. Either way, everyone managed to have a low-key good time and play some.
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Remix. Again. [Me]
Looks like the personality matrix has gone through a remix again. I've put off admitting it, even to myself. Because writing it down makes it more true. But I haven't seen several alters in a long time, and we have been seeing a new one. It's time to admit it, I guess.
Me, Sam, and Rubi are still the 'Big Girls'.
Kiara and Paul are still the kids in the group.
Paul has settled with ages 3,9, and 15 pretty well.
I haven't seen Cherish or Stephanie in months.
I've quit hearing Gracelyn even inside, even when I ask for her, look for her.
I don't think they're coming back. I'm putting up their nametags, into their 'personal effects' boxes. If they return, then I'll bring the nametags back out. But like Jarett, I feel like they may be so far inside they won't return.
Silent One isn't there either. There have been situations where it should have come out, when I was hurting terribly and trying desperately to absent myself, and it just didn't come out. It surprised me. My last resort is gone. But there is the 'closet person' who has been coming out more. When everything gets loud and overwhelming, I've been wanting to just retreat into a small space. And on the occasion I can actually do so, it feels very calming and peaceful. I can lose the upset as long as I'm in that small space.
I talked about that one in this post before. It's time to name that one so I can refer to her. I'd like to reuse Gracelyn's nametag, which has GL on it. The flower on the tag feels right for the newer alter. So I do baby name searches, and I get:
Glayd, Glaide - meadow
Glaine, Glayn, Glayne - jewel
Glenys, Glinys - holy, fair one
Outside the name searches, I find a few other words that have some feeling about them that works:
Glass, Glance, Gleam, Glow
It's hard to match a name to an alter that doesn't just announce who they are. But I can 'see' her 'aura' brighten with the amount of pleasure she takes in each, as I focus inside. Again, English is inadequate here. Glass seems to please her the most. And once I wrote that sentence, she 'turned' and went further inside. I guess that's the answer then. Her name is Glass.
Goodbye, Cherish, Stephanie, and Gracelyn. Hello, Glass.
Me, Sam, and Rubi are still the 'Big Girls'.
Kiara and Paul are still the kids in the group.
Paul has settled with ages 3,9, and 15 pretty well.
I haven't seen Cherish or Stephanie in months.
I've quit hearing Gracelyn even inside, even when I ask for her, look for her.
I don't think they're coming back. I'm putting up their nametags, into their 'personal effects' boxes. If they return, then I'll bring the nametags back out. But like Jarett, I feel like they may be so far inside they won't return.
Silent One isn't there either. There have been situations where it should have come out, when I was hurting terribly and trying desperately to absent myself, and it just didn't come out. It surprised me. My last resort is gone. But there is the 'closet person' who has been coming out more. When everything gets loud and overwhelming, I've been wanting to just retreat into a small space. And on the occasion I can actually do so, it feels very calming and peaceful. I can lose the upset as long as I'm in that small space.
I talked about that one in this post before. It's time to name that one so I can refer to her. I'd like to reuse Gracelyn's nametag, which has GL on it. The flower on the tag feels right for the newer alter. So I do baby name searches, and I get:
Glayd, Glaide - meadow
Glaine, Glayn, Glayne - jewel
Glenys, Glinys - holy, fair one
Outside the name searches, I find a few other words that have some feeling about them that works:
Glass, Glance, Gleam, Glow
It's hard to match a name to an alter that doesn't just announce who they are. But I can 'see' her 'aura' brighten with the amount of pleasure she takes in each, as I focus inside. Again, English is inadequate here. Glass seems to please her the most. And once I wrote that sentence, she 'turned' and went further inside. I guess that's the answer then. Her name is Glass.
Goodbye, Cherish, Stephanie, and Gracelyn. Hello, Glass.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Catching Up [Me]
I want to write more, but things keep coming up, and I'm too busy to have a few minutes. Or am I just procrastinating dealing with it because there are easier happier things to deal with first?
We're still dealing with my father's death. This weekend we went out of town to pick up some of his stuff from his wife. It was a really annoying weekend; she didn't have things ready and kept putting us off. We were all sick or injured - Boss and my daughter went with me - and I'm still feeling crappy health-wise. There was no sleeping, since an impromptu party sprung up at the house in which we were staying. I made several fails in my planning and time and money management for the weekend. The club we visited while down there had a power outage. It was just a stressful trip. But it was also fun. When you reach a certain level of 'fail', you just throw up your hands and give up on anything planned. We reached that point and then just worried about enjoying each others' company. So we had fun, just didn't accomplish much of what we set out to do. Or what I set out to do, at least. And there's still things going on.
I'm definitely feeling stressed and depressed. Unfortunately, in trying to help me deal with that, my family made it worse last night. I really needed to get some things done and then have some time not with anyone else. I already have a tendency, when I come home, to need a few minutes to get settled in without anyone making any demands on me. But last night was like a magnification of that. Everyone seemed to want to talk to me or create something I needed to interrupt what I was doing to deal with. I know the idea was to support me and comfort me and tell me I didn't have to work on stuff right then. But I needed the stuff done so I could relax, and I needed left alone to get the stuff done. It was an ugly spiral, and I'm still really stressed about it. I got up early this morning just to have some time where no one would talk to me.
And I'm teaching this afternoon. I've got to be all happy and authoritative and friendly. When really I just want to curl up in my cave and read a book.
I made a cave in my closet with some pillows and a book and a light. I'm finding I need a retreat spot a lot lately. I think there's a new alter that needs it. Either a new alter, or an evolution of Silent One, since there are some similarities, and I don't 'see' Silent One anywhere. This one's human, at least, but I think somewhat feral. And non-verbal. At least this one's need to hide in the back of the closet is easier to deal with than some of Silent One's behaviors, or even those of the kids sometimes.
It seems that Paul's system has reorganized a bit. It started a while back, when Baby Paul Age 2 and Baby Paul Age 5 apparently merged into Baby Paul Age 3. Now Paul Age 8 and Paul Age 11 seem to have merged into Paul, age 9 or 10 maybe? So we have Big Paul (14), Middle Paul (9-10), and Baby Paul (3). I think that's easier to deal with? I don't know what it means, that he's consolidating. I know his Age 2, 5, 8, 11, and 14 choices had to do with the age he was when certain events happened in his 'other world life'. Maybe going to new ages means he's attaching himself to this world and this life more than the other one? He's trying to figure out how to relate to Boss more/better. And Boss is trying very hard not to pressure him and to make it easy for him.
I haven't had a whiff of Cherish or Stephanie or the original Silent One in many weeks, or even Gracelyn. I don't know what that means. Are they gone? Are they just not needed right now? It's like the lights are off inside, and I can't tell what's going on. Even Rubi's mostly missing. I could really use her right now. I'm having lots of quick anger, which isn't normal for me. That's usually her arena. But she can't top, because I've torn some muscle in my arm. And she can't bottom heavily, because we slipped a disk in my back. She tries not to come out and be around Boss much because her behavior is detrimental to our attempt for him to be dominant over my system. So she has no outlet, and I think her anger is 'leaking' out to me.
The only alters that seems reasonably normal are Kiara and Sam. Sam pops out for quick moments, as she's always done, and Kiara comes out when she wants to and is very strong, then stays away when she wants. She's not as happy as she used to be, and hasn't been for months, but she's very strong. Now that my daughter is living back in town, I know that's pleased Kiara a lot, but they haven't spent much time together, even so.
We're still dealing with my father's death. This weekend we went out of town to pick up some of his stuff from his wife. It was a really annoying weekend; she didn't have things ready and kept putting us off. We were all sick or injured - Boss and my daughter went with me - and I'm still feeling crappy health-wise. There was no sleeping, since an impromptu party sprung up at the house in which we were staying. I made several fails in my planning and time and money management for the weekend. The club we visited while down there had a power outage. It was just a stressful trip. But it was also fun. When you reach a certain level of 'fail', you just throw up your hands and give up on anything planned. We reached that point and then just worried about enjoying each others' company. So we had fun, just didn't accomplish much of what we set out to do. Or what I set out to do, at least. And there's still things going on.
I'm definitely feeling stressed and depressed. Unfortunately, in trying to help me deal with that, my family made it worse last night. I really needed to get some things done and then have some time not with anyone else. I already have a tendency, when I come home, to need a few minutes to get settled in without anyone making any demands on me. But last night was like a magnification of that. Everyone seemed to want to talk to me or create something I needed to interrupt what I was doing to deal with. I know the idea was to support me and comfort me and tell me I didn't have to work on stuff right then. But I needed the stuff done so I could relax, and I needed left alone to get the stuff done. It was an ugly spiral, and I'm still really stressed about it. I got up early this morning just to have some time where no one would talk to me.
And I'm teaching this afternoon. I've got to be all happy and authoritative and friendly. When really I just want to curl up in my cave and read a book.
I made a cave in my closet with some pillows and a book and a light. I'm finding I need a retreat spot a lot lately. I think there's a new alter that needs it. Either a new alter, or an evolution of Silent One, since there are some similarities, and I don't 'see' Silent One anywhere. This one's human, at least, but I think somewhat feral. And non-verbal. At least this one's need to hide in the back of the closet is easier to deal with than some of Silent One's behaviors, or even those of the kids sometimes.
It seems that Paul's system has reorganized a bit. It started a while back, when Baby Paul Age 2 and Baby Paul Age 5 apparently merged into Baby Paul Age 3. Now Paul Age 8 and Paul Age 11 seem to have merged into Paul, age 9 or 10 maybe? So we have Big Paul (14), Middle Paul (9-10), and Baby Paul (3). I think that's easier to deal with? I don't know what it means, that he's consolidating. I know his Age 2, 5, 8, 11, and 14 choices had to do with the age he was when certain events happened in his 'other world life'. Maybe going to new ages means he's attaching himself to this world and this life more than the other one? He's trying to figure out how to relate to Boss more/better. And Boss is trying very hard not to pressure him and to make it easy for him.
I haven't had a whiff of Cherish or Stephanie or the original Silent One in many weeks, or even Gracelyn. I don't know what that means. Are they gone? Are they just not needed right now? It's like the lights are off inside, and I can't tell what's going on. Even Rubi's mostly missing. I could really use her right now. I'm having lots of quick anger, which isn't normal for me. That's usually her arena. But she can't top, because I've torn some muscle in my arm. And she can't bottom heavily, because we slipped a disk in my back. She tries not to come out and be around Boss much because her behavior is detrimental to our attempt for him to be dominant over my system. So she has no outlet, and I think her anger is 'leaking' out to me.
The only alters that seems reasonably normal are Kiara and Sam. Sam pops out for quick moments, as she's always done, and Kiara comes out when she wants to and is very strong, then stays away when she wants. She's not as happy as she used to be, and hasn't been for months, but she's very strong. Now that my daughter is living back in town, I know that's pleased Kiara a lot, but they haven't spent much time together, even so.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Nametags [Me]
We finally got pictures of the nametags that Boss made for us! We wear these leather tags snapped onto our collar when we're around kink folk, so they know who they are talking to (if they want to). I've been wanting pictures of them for a while, and here they are!
Here are the main five that people might see at the club - Rubi, Sam, Me, Kiara, and Paul. You can see the blade and cuts all over for Rubi, the BDSM triskelion for Sam, my IDIC, Kiara's ladybug, and Paul's legos.
And then there are three more for alters that aren't likely to be seen at the club. Silent One doesn't have a tag because, really, you think it would put it on? Stephanie, Cherish, and Gracelyn are below. The symbol on the slaves' tags is for the House of Aten, which is how Boss identifies himself and his household. And Gracelyn has a purple flower.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Emergency Contact Plan [Me]
Yesterday we had a pretty strong scare, but we tested our 'emergency plan', and it worked. In the end, no harm done.
We went to Green Hills Mall after work. All of us love The Container Store, so that was our only planned destination. We went in and spent some money on Lego containers. Very nice. And that's about all I have a clear memory of. The rest is pieced together by several of us.
There is a Lush store in the mall. Lush is full of scents that we are allergic to and should avoid like the plague. But there is a single item that Boss uses and was out of. Somehow, we wandered down to that end of the mall (about as far away from The Container Store as you can get). Maybe just to locate the store and report back to the family? Anyway, we could see the item he needed from the hallway. Apparently the decision was made to rush in, grab it, buy it, and get out. Which worked up until we got to the register and took our first breath.
We managed to pay and exit, and found a bench not far from the store. Dizzy, shallow breathing. Couldn't focus, concentrated on not passing out. Eventually able to stand up and start shuffling toward the other end. I remember thinking that, unless I actually passed out, no one was going to offer to help me. So I needed to get there on my own.
By the exit doors to the parking lot, there is a Panera Bread. We stumbled into the restaurant and collapsed at a table. The air was less scented in there, and no one seemed to mind if we just sat for a while. Something about the major can't-breathe-attack drives all the personalities out, including me. So we really were just kind of a jumbled blank mess without much thought or function.
Eventually we gathered enough function to realize we should call for help. We got out the phone, but dialing was not going to happen. We were able to get to messaging and send some random letters to Boss as a text. He replied back asking if it was a butt-text, and we were able to hit the buttons that made the phone call him. He answered, but we were unable to get any words out at first, just noise and breathing. The phone call worked, though, because after a few minutes Kiara realized she was out. He talked to her until she was all the way out, and talked her through getting a soda.
This is what we planned for emergencies, and it worked. Eventually, she switched back to me and I was able to drive home. So yeah, it was panicky and awful. But the plan worked, and everything was okay.
We went to Green Hills Mall after work. All of us love The Container Store, so that was our only planned destination. We went in and spent some money on Lego containers. Very nice. And that's about all I have a clear memory of. The rest is pieced together by several of us.
There is a Lush store in the mall. Lush is full of scents that we are allergic to and should avoid like the plague. But there is a single item that Boss uses and was out of. Somehow, we wandered down to that end of the mall (about as far away from The Container Store as you can get). Maybe just to locate the store and report back to the family? Anyway, we could see the item he needed from the hallway. Apparently the decision was made to rush in, grab it, buy it, and get out. Which worked up until we got to the register and took our first breath.
We managed to pay and exit, and found a bench not far from the store. Dizzy, shallow breathing. Couldn't focus, concentrated on not passing out. Eventually able to stand up and start shuffling toward the other end. I remember thinking that, unless I actually passed out, no one was going to offer to help me. So I needed to get there on my own.
By the exit doors to the parking lot, there is a Panera Bread. We stumbled into the restaurant and collapsed at a table. The air was less scented in there, and no one seemed to mind if we just sat for a while. Something about the major can't-breathe-attack drives all the personalities out, including me. So we really were just kind of a jumbled blank mess without much thought or function.
Eventually we gathered enough function to realize we should call for help. We got out the phone, but dialing was not going to happen. We were able to get to messaging and send some random letters to Boss as a text. He replied back asking if it was a butt-text, and we were able to hit the buttons that made the phone call him. He answered, but we were unable to get any words out at first, just noise and breathing. The phone call worked, though, because after a few minutes Kiara realized she was out. He talked to her until she was all the way out, and talked her through getting a soda.
This is what we planned for emergencies, and it worked. Eventually, she switched back to me and I was able to drive home. So yeah, it was panicky and awful. But the plan worked, and everything was okay.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
All Moved In [Me]
So we've been in the new house for seven weeks now, and it's really feeling like home for me. Kiara and Paul, too, seem to be settling in. We don't have a bedroom, as such, but instead have two non-bed-rooms. Downstairs, we big girls have an office-library-music room with my piano and books and clothes. Upstairs, the kids have a playroom for legos and stuffed animals and other toys. The kids have definitely been busy setting up stuff upstairs, so I feel like they're reasonably comfortable. I've seen Gracelyn out doing housework-type stuff a few times, too, so I think she's good.
The ones I worry about are Stephanie and Silent One. They both have such an odd way of looking at the world that I'm not sure how they'll take things. We haven't seen Stephanie at all since we moved. At some point, Boss is going to have to pull her out on purpose, show her the new place and give her an idea what's expected of her. I'd rather him do it on purpose than her come out by accident, but honestly, I'm okay with her not coming out at all. It's pretty unpleasant having her out, really. She's terrified all the time, and suffers a lot of pain. This world is very hard for her to understand; electricity and running water are both magic to her. She's convinced that Boss is some sort of wizard, and that's why his house has these things. So she's happy to be his slave because she gets to use the magic bathroom. Which makes her want to please him so that he'll keep her.
Silent One is no less worrisome. It has come out once since we moved in. It woke up in our bed and immediately realized it was not in the den it was used to. Being in a strange den and not knowing where it was or who was around, it played asleep for a long time. It heard someone move in the other room, and then someone upstairs, and it was really jumpy. Even having Boss nearby didn't seem to help. It was very passive and limp, not even exploring the spot it found itself in. I think it was just terrified. So that's another one we've got to get out and introduce to the place, hopefully under Boss's control. Again, it being reticent to come out actually makes my life easier, but will have to be dealt with sooner or later.
The ones I worry about are Stephanie and Silent One. They both have such an odd way of looking at the world that I'm not sure how they'll take things. We haven't seen Stephanie at all since we moved. At some point, Boss is going to have to pull her out on purpose, show her the new place and give her an idea what's expected of her. I'd rather him do it on purpose than her come out by accident, but honestly, I'm okay with her not coming out at all. It's pretty unpleasant having her out, really. She's terrified all the time, and suffers a lot of pain. This world is very hard for her to understand; electricity and running water are both magic to her. She's convinced that Boss is some sort of wizard, and that's why his house has these things. So she's happy to be his slave because she gets to use the magic bathroom. Which makes her want to please him so that he'll keep her.
Silent One is no less worrisome. It has come out once since we moved in. It woke up in our bed and immediately realized it was not in the den it was used to. Being in a strange den and not knowing where it was or who was around, it played asleep for a long time. It heard someone move in the other room, and then someone upstairs, and it was really jumpy. Even having Boss nearby didn't seem to help. It was very passive and limp, not even exploring the spot it found itself in. I think it was just terrified. So that's another one we've got to get out and introduce to the place, hopefully under Boss's control. Again, it being reticent to come out actually makes my life easier, but will have to be dealt with sooner or later.
Friday, March 7, 2014
Big Things Happening [Me]
I'm being poked at to blog. Because I haven't. Because I have too much to say. Today may be a bad day for it, because I'm fighting off a 'depressed'. I'm really in need of some non-sexual skin-contact cuddling and petting. Just comfort, really. I think it's because I am just overwhelmed with so many things that I need to do and get done.
Let's see, the little stuff first.
My birthday was last week, and Kiara/Paul's is next week. The body was born February 26, and all the adults in the system are fine claiming that as their birthday. Kiara claims March 11 as her birthday, and invited Paul to share it, so the kids have their own birthday, two weeks after mine.
The 2nd anniversary of my collaring to Boss was last week, also. We didn't celebrate quite the way we intended. We were going to do a scene with needles (yuck) the Saturday before, but we were waiting for late in the evening. So early in the evening, Kiara asked Boss for a little spanking. It started out well, but he thought she had switched out and escalated. She hadn't switched out, so she ended up mad at him, and put us both off-balance. We didn't recover from it that evening, so we just went home early. We did make up the scene the next weekend.
My work's being a little crazy. They fired 17 people all at once about a month ago. I was part of a two-person helpdesk, and the other person was one of the Seventeen. So I'm now on-call 24/7 as the only person on the Helpdesk, and I'm scrambling a little trying to figure out some of the things that the other girl did and I don't really know how to do. We're still fiddling with how things work now, so there's some unsureness going on there.
My daughter passed through town going to a conference, and will be coming back through on Sunday headed back. This is good, but extra hassle trying to figure scheduling and sleeping arrangements and such.
I've been having a lot of doctor-health-stuff lately, as you probably read in earlier blogs. Which also means extra money issues. I got billed an extra $400 for the liver biopsy over and above what they told me. I went back to the gastroenterologist to get HepA & B vaccinations, and soon will be going to an hematologist to have blood drawn regularly to get my ferritin levels down.
And the big stuff. We're moving. We found a house that we all four like. Yeah, that's great stuff, not depressing stuff. But what comes along with it are money stresses (as we pay for three places to live for the next month), lists of things to do, packing & unpacking, getting utilities transferred and movers booked, and all other kinds of stuff to make it happen. So I'm excited, but flooded with Stuff To Do. And of course, because I am who I am, I feel like every little piece of it is my responsibility. Even though there are three other adults involved.
And because I'm feeling overwhelmed and a bit depressed, my mind is attributing motivations to other people's actions that are probably completely made up. Like MK has cancelled on a couple of nights to come over and hang out. I feel like he's avoiding me, right when I really need some cuddling. Of course, the logical part of my brain mentions the fact that he's probably really really busy at work, as evidenced by his getting home from work at like 8pm each night. I know, because that's when he's texting me that he just got home and doesn't feel like coming over. But yeah, feels like he's just not interested - because I'm stressed - not his fault.
So yeah, lots of good things happening, but just stressed out about it all. Birthdays (one down and one more to go). Anniversaries (we beat the two-year expiration point!). Work (I'm the one who stayed, not the one who got fired). Getting to see the Girl - twice! Health stuff - no hemochromatosis. Found a house to live together (lots of stuff to do).
Let's see, the little stuff first.
My birthday was last week, and Kiara/Paul's is next week. The body was born February 26, and all the adults in the system are fine claiming that as their birthday. Kiara claims March 11 as her birthday, and invited Paul to share it, so the kids have their own birthday, two weeks after mine.
The 2nd anniversary of my collaring to Boss was last week, also. We didn't celebrate quite the way we intended. We were going to do a scene with needles (yuck) the Saturday before, but we were waiting for late in the evening. So early in the evening, Kiara asked Boss for a little spanking. It started out well, but he thought she had switched out and escalated. She hadn't switched out, so she ended up mad at him, and put us both off-balance. We didn't recover from it that evening, so we just went home early. We did make up the scene the next weekend.
My work's being a little crazy. They fired 17 people all at once about a month ago. I was part of a two-person helpdesk, and the other person was one of the Seventeen. So I'm now on-call 24/7 as the only person on the Helpdesk, and I'm scrambling a little trying to figure out some of the things that the other girl did and I don't really know how to do. We're still fiddling with how things work now, so there's some unsureness going on there.
My daughter passed through town going to a conference, and will be coming back through on Sunday headed back. This is good, but extra hassle trying to figure scheduling and sleeping arrangements and such.
I've been having a lot of doctor-health-stuff lately, as you probably read in earlier blogs. Which also means extra money issues. I got billed an extra $400 for the liver biopsy over and above what they told me. I went back to the gastroenterologist to get HepA & B vaccinations, and soon will be going to an hematologist to have blood drawn regularly to get my ferritin levels down.
And the big stuff. We're moving. We found a house that we all four like. Yeah, that's great stuff, not depressing stuff. But what comes along with it are money stresses (as we pay for three places to live for the next month), lists of things to do, packing & unpacking, getting utilities transferred and movers booked, and all other kinds of stuff to make it happen. So I'm excited, but flooded with Stuff To Do. And of course, because I am who I am, I feel like every little piece of it is my responsibility. Even though there are three other adults involved.
And because I'm feeling overwhelmed and a bit depressed, my mind is attributing motivations to other people's actions that are probably completely made up. Like MK has cancelled on a couple of nights to come over and hang out. I feel like he's avoiding me, right when I really need some cuddling. Of course, the logical part of my brain mentions the fact that he's probably really really busy at work, as evidenced by his getting home from work at like 8pm each night. I know, because that's when he's texting me that he just got home and doesn't feel like coming over. But yeah, feels like he's just not interested - because I'm stressed - not his fault.
So yeah, lots of good things happening, but just stressed out about it all. Birthdays (one down and one more to go). Anniversaries (we beat the two-year expiration point!). Work (I'm the one who stayed, not the one who got fired). Getting to see the Girl - twice! Health stuff - no hemochromatosis. Found a house to live together (lots of stuff to do).
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Mall Trip With the Kids [Me]
Yesterday we had some time to kill, so we stopped at the mall. Specifically to go to The Container Store, which is one of my favorite stores. Now, I have a serious fetish for organization and things to put stuff in. I've always loved boxes that stack, and organizer kits, and my favorite purses have been the ones with zippers and pouches and sections. I do like my stuff, but I really love my stuff all organized and neat. Yeah, it's a personal problem that I can live with. So anyway, The Container Store (TCS) is a kind of candy store for me.
The last time we went to TCS, Paul picked up a couple of little plastic organizers for Legos. As we were going in, I told him that he could get a couple more, if he wanted. They are only $2.99 each. Well, of course, if I'm getting something for one kid... Kiara asked if she could get something, too. I told her that if she found something inexpensive that she wanted - not just to get something, but something she actually wanted anyway - then yes. If Paul gets something, she can get something.
So we wandered around for a while, and Paul found his organizers. But then he found some more little clear boxes, and he made a really wise decision. He put the plastic organizers back, and decided to wait until after we move and get some boxes that could be used to organize his Legos and also put them on a pretty display. Here are the boxes:
8.25"x3.5" - http://www.containerstore.com/shop?productId=10035409&N=&Ntt=stackable
8.25"x3.5" - http://www.containerstore.com/shop?productId=10035408&N=&Ntt=stackable
8.25"x3.5" - http://www.containerstore.com/shop/containers/boxes?productId=10032168&N=80804
3.5"x2.75" - http://www.containerstore.com/shop?productId=10032170&N=&Ntt=stackable
3.5"x2.75" - http://www.containerstore.com/shop?productId=10035360&N=&Ntt=stackable
So Paul didn't get anything at TCS. And because Kiara didn't see anything she just had to have, she didn't get anything either. We still had time to blow, so we walked around the mall. I never buy things at this mall, because it's in the ritzy area of town, and it's all very expensive stores. But then Kiara saw the candy store. You know, one of those with the bins of bulk candy where you buy it by the pound. She wanted to go in. I explained that we aren't getting candy. We're trying to get a smaller body - and candy doesn't help that. And I didn't have any cash, and didn't want to buy enough to justify using a card. So she insisted on just looking.
I went in, at the same time reaching in my purse to see if I had some spare change. Lo and behold, my wallet was missing! I remembered putting it in my purse, but I also remembered my purse tipping over in the car. So it was in the car. I was not going back for it.Which means we left the candy store with No Candy. And the little princess was Not Happy About It.
Honestly, it was a typical trip to the mall in a lot of ways. Both kids looked around and wanted, and neither got anything. I was really proud of Paul for planning ahead and deciding to hold off, though.
The last time we went to TCS, Paul picked up a couple of little plastic organizers for Legos. As we were going in, I told him that he could get a couple more, if he wanted. They are only $2.99 each. Well, of course, if I'm getting something for one kid... Kiara asked if she could get something, too. I told her that if she found something inexpensive that she wanted - not just to get something, but something she actually wanted anyway - then yes. If Paul gets something, she can get something.
So we wandered around for a while, and Paul found his organizers. But then he found some more little clear boxes, and he made a really wise decision. He put the plastic organizers back, and decided to wait until after we move and get some boxes that could be used to organize his Legos and also put them on a pretty display. Here are the boxes:
8.25"x3.5" - http://www.containerstore.com/shop?productId=10035409&N=&Ntt=stackable
8.25"x3.5" - http://www.containerstore.com/shop?productId=10035408&N=&Ntt=stackable
8.25"x3.5" - http://www.containerstore.com/shop/containers/boxes?productId=10032168&N=80804
3.5"x2.75" - http://www.containerstore.com/shop?productId=10032170&N=&Ntt=stackable
3.5"x2.75" - http://www.containerstore.com/shop?productId=10035360&N=&Ntt=stackable
So Paul didn't get anything at TCS. And because Kiara didn't see anything she just had to have, she didn't get anything either. We still had time to blow, so we walked around the mall. I never buy things at this mall, because it's in the ritzy area of town, and it's all very expensive stores. But then Kiara saw the candy store. You know, one of those with the bins of bulk candy where you buy it by the pound. She wanted to go in. I explained that we aren't getting candy. We're trying to get a smaller body - and candy doesn't help that. And I didn't have any cash, and didn't want to buy enough to justify using a card. So she insisted on just looking.
I went in, at the same time reaching in my purse to see if I had some spare change. Lo and behold, my wallet was missing! I remembered putting it in my purse, but I also remembered my purse tipping over in the car. So it was in the car. I was not going back for it.Which means we left the candy store with No Candy. And the little princess was Not Happy About It.
Honestly, it was a typical trip to the mall in a lot of ways. Both kids looked around and wanted, and neither got anything. I was really proud of Paul for planning ahead and deciding to hold off, though.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Personality Tests [Me, Gracelyn]
You know there's some online personality test things to tell you your Myer-Briggs Personality Type. Somebody on my Facebook posted this one - http://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test, and we actually managed to cooperate enough this morning to get several of us to take the test. So I have six sets of results, and they hit all over the board.
The people that took the test are:
Me - Paul - Kiara - Rubi - Gracelyn - Stephanie (well, Gracelyn filled it out on Stephanie's behalf)
and their results were:
ESFJ - INFP - ENFP - ISTP - INFJ - ISTP
Sentinel
I scored as ESFJ. My two strongest scores were as a Judging Extrovert. Looking at their description of each of these traits, I would agree.
"If someone tried to define ESFJ personality traits in three words, it would probably be Practical, Altruistic and Sociable. Forming around 12% of the population, ESFJs want to be of service to others and take their commitments very seriously – they do not really worry about what role they are in, as long as they get a chance to socialize with other people and feel valued and appreciated."
Diplomats
Paul scored as INFP. His strongest scores were as a Feeling Introvert. Kiara scored as ENFP. Her strongest scores were as a Feeling Extrovert. I find it interesting, but not surprising, that the two kids scored almost the same, except for being introverted/extroverted. Also, on the three matching measurements, Kiara scored higher on each than Paul did. She simply feels more strongly about everything. Is that perhaps a function of age?
Paul: "Forming around 4.5% of the population, INFP personalities are usually perceived as calm, reserved or even shy. However, such an exterior can be deceptive – even though INFPs can be somewhat cautious, their inner flame and passion is not something to be taken lightly. People with this personality type are really affectionate, a trait not often seen in other types."
Kiara: "Forming around 7% of the population, people with the ENFP personality type tend to be curious, idealistic and often mystical. They seek meaning and are very interested in other people’s motives, seeing life as a big, complex puzzle where everything is connected. Not surprisingly, ENFPs tend to be very insightful and empathic individuals – this, plus their charm and social skills, often makes them very popular and influential."
Gracelyn scored as INFJ. Her strongest scores were as a Judging Introvert. Since she is our 'den mother' and counselor, this makes sense for her.
"The INFJ type is believed to be very rare (less than 1 percent of the population) and it has an unusual set of traits. Even though their presence can be described as very quiet, INFJ personalities usually have many strong opinions.... INFJ personalities are drawn towards helping those in need.... Karma and similar concepts are very attractive to INFJs."
Explorers
Rubi scored as ISTP. Her strongest scores were as a Prospecting Introvert. This works with her feelings about never being bound to a single path and being fiercely independent.
The people that took the test are:
Me - Paul - Kiara - Rubi - Gracelyn - Stephanie (well, Gracelyn filled it out on Stephanie's behalf)
and their results were:
ESFJ - INFP - ENFP - ISTP - INFJ - ISTP
SentinelI scored as ESFJ. My two strongest scores were as a Judging Extrovert. Looking at their description of each of these traits, I would agree.
"If someone tried to define ESFJ personality traits in three words, it would probably be Practical, Altruistic and Sociable. Forming around 12% of the population, ESFJs want to be of service to others and take their commitments very seriously – they do not really worry about what role they are in, as long as they get a chance to socialize with other people and feel valued and appreciated."
Diplomats
Paul scored as INFP. His strongest scores were as a Feeling Introvert. Kiara scored as ENFP. Her strongest scores were as a Feeling Extrovert. I find it interesting, but not surprising, that the two kids scored almost the same, except for being introverted/extroverted. Also, on the three matching measurements, Kiara scored higher on each than Paul did. She simply feels more strongly about everything. Is that perhaps a function of age?
Paul: "Forming around 4.5% of the population, INFP personalities are usually perceived as calm, reserved or even shy. However, such an exterior can be deceptive – even though INFPs can be somewhat cautious, their inner flame and passion is not something to be taken lightly. People with this personality type are really affectionate, a trait not often seen in other types."
Kiara: "Forming around 7% of the population, people with the ENFP personality type tend to be curious, idealistic and often mystical. They seek meaning and are very interested in other people’s motives, seeing life as a big, complex puzzle where everything is connected. Not surprisingly, ENFPs tend to be very insightful and empathic individuals – this, plus their charm and social skills, often makes them very popular and influential."
Gracelyn scored as INFJ. Her strongest scores were as a Judging Introvert. Since she is our 'den mother' and counselor, this makes sense for her.
"The INFJ type is believed to be very rare (less than 1 percent of the population) and it has an unusual set of traits. Even though their presence can be described as very quiet, INFJ personalities usually have many strong opinions.... INFJ personalities are drawn towards helping those in need.... Karma and similar concepts are very attractive to INFJs."
Explorers
Rubi scored as ISTP. Her strongest scores were as a Prospecting Introvert. This works with her feelings about never being bound to a single path and being fiercely independent.
Stephanie scored as ISTP. Her strongest scores were as a Sensing Introvert. Stephanie's testing was very difficult to do, as so many questions didn't make sense for her. Because she is autistic, some things just don't coalesce in her mind, especially those things involved with abstract thought or making her own decisions. She has always been denied the power to be in control of herself, so the idea is rather foreign to her. I certainly would not have expected her and Rubi to fall into the same group. But some of the explanation from the site brings that into a bit more clarity:
"People with the ISTP personality type form around 5% of the population and possess many interesting traits that can easily baffle outsiders. They are usually very rational and logical, but can also surprise everybody by suddenly becoming more spontaneous and enthusiastic. While most other types tend to be easily recognizable and have clearly outlined traits, this is definitely not the case with ISTPs – even people who know them well may not be able to anticipate their reaction to something.... ISTPs are relatively private individuals, which makes it even more difficult for other people to tell what is really going on in their minds. ISTPs can also become unexpectedly stubborn and vocal, especially when their principles and habits are being criticized.... People with the ISTP personality type tend to have a very good sense of humour, which may either help defuse a tense situation or make things even more complicated if the ISTP makes a joke that could be seen as insensitive. ISTPs are not naturally emotional and they may have difficulties recognizing the boundaries of what is allowed and expected in emotionally charged situations – consequently, they may unwittingly hurt people belonging to more sensitive types."
Friday, September 13, 2013
Snippets [Me]
Life's been full of ups and downs lately. I don't have a big thing to type, so here's a few small things.
Yesterday I had a panic attack. Which I had never experienced before Paul showed up. And I was at work. So I went and hid in the bathroom for a little while, and did a mental check-in with the kids. It was weird, because it was the most clearly I had ever seen an interaction between me and other alters without working hard to do so. I was looking into Kiara's room from the doorway, and I could see her with some dolls - Barbies maybe? - in each hand, having them have a conversation. She was sitting in that weird way little kids have, sort of kneeling, but with legs splayed out to each side. She looked over her left shoulder at me and said, "Yeah, I'm just peachy." And went back to playing. Then I looked in on Paul. And I could both see him from my point of view and see me from his point of view. It was so unusually clear. I asked him if everything was good with him, and he gave me that teenager kind of sigh. "Yeah, fine," he said, and then shut the door slowly. So odd to see it that clearly.
One of the things I adore about the boyfriend is that he's very laissez-faire and accepting of quirks. Don't get me wrong, Boss is too, but the boyfriend even more so. The other day he came up to me while I was playing a game on the computer - just a stupid Facebook game, but I really hate interrupting things. And he waited for a minute until a good break to say whatever he had to say. And when I thanked him for it, he explained that for him, too, getting interrupted in something, even something kind of throwaway, is unpleasant. I wish I could remember how he phrased it; it came out so thoughtful and sweet.
I was bemoaning my laxity in posting lately - I know I've been neglecting my blog, but I haven't been in the mood. And I heard someone in my head, not one of the kids, go "We have a blog? Hey, we have a blog!" And since Rubi, Sam, Gracelyn, and Paul have all posted on the blog at some point, I've got no clue who that was. Maybe it was a 'forgot'.
This weekend's going to be a big one. I'm teaching a class on kink to a bunch of social workers, therapists, and medical folk. Boss is doing a presentation for that, too, and then he's teaching a class on negotiations to kinky folk on Sunday. So yeah, very stressful. I've been feeling like I'm not up to it, even though I know I am. Can't wait for it to be over, though.
Yesterday I had a panic attack. Which I had never experienced before Paul showed up. And I was at work. So I went and hid in the bathroom for a little while, and did a mental check-in with the kids. It was weird, because it was the most clearly I had ever seen an interaction between me and other alters without working hard to do so. I was looking into Kiara's room from the doorway, and I could see her with some dolls - Barbies maybe? - in each hand, having them have a conversation. She was sitting in that weird way little kids have, sort of kneeling, but with legs splayed out to each side. She looked over her left shoulder at me and said, "Yeah, I'm just peachy." And went back to playing. Then I looked in on Paul. And I could both see him from my point of view and see me from his point of view. It was so unusually clear. I asked him if everything was good with him, and he gave me that teenager kind of sigh. "Yeah, fine," he said, and then shut the door slowly. So odd to see it that clearly.
One of the things I adore about the boyfriend is that he's very laissez-faire and accepting of quirks. Don't get me wrong, Boss is too, but the boyfriend even more so. The other day he came up to me while I was playing a game on the computer - just a stupid Facebook game, but I really hate interrupting things. And he waited for a minute until a good break to say whatever he had to say. And when I thanked him for it, he explained that for him, too, getting interrupted in something, even something kind of throwaway, is unpleasant. I wish I could remember how he phrased it; it came out so thoughtful and sweet.
I was bemoaning my laxity in posting lately - I know I've been neglecting my blog, but I haven't been in the mood. And I heard someone in my head, not one of the kids, go "We have a blog? Hey, we have a blog!" And since Rubi, Sam, Gracelyn, and Paul have all posted on the blog at some point, I've got no clue who that was. Maybe it was a 'forgot'.
This weekend's going to be a big one. I'm teaching a class on kink to a bunch of social workers, therapists, and medical folk. Boss is doing a presentation for that, too, and then he's teaching a class on negotiations to kinky folk on Sunday. So yeah, very stressful. I've been feeling like I'm not up to it, even though I know I am. Can't wait for it to be over, though.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Maybe this is Growth? [Me]
This week's had some highs and lows. I've been wanting to blog, but not sure how to present things, or how much to present. I'm still not sure right now.
Biggest downer first. We had a huge... incident a few nights ago. Paul was out, and Boss asked for Baby Paul, and no one's really sure what happened next, but next thing I'm sure of is that I was out, but completely panicking. And I wasn't all the way out; I was in a bit of a fugue/dream state, and the panic was completely overwhelming. I was hitting out and screaming and fighting. I think. I was in my head, but I gather that externally the action was a bit more subdued. It reminds me of the nightmares and waking-up effects from when I was married the first time and reacting to abuse by majorly dissociating. Of course, Boss took care of me as best he could; he always does. I know I worried him a lot. But we've discussed what we think might have happened and things to try to avoid triggering something like that again.
Now, the strange thing is, to me, that Silent One didn't come out at this point. This is the type of reaction among which Silent One was born. The panic would lead to Silent One comatose back then. And more recently, the panic would lead to Silent One active and defending itself. Instead, it was - as far as Boss or I could tell - me, possibly a younger version of me, just panicking. So we got to talking about Silent One, and realized it hasn't been out in maybe a couple of months. Internally, we've gone to Silent One's 'room', where the jungle plants stick out through the bars on the door, and stood there, making noise. There doesn't really seem to be anyone home. Is Silent One missing? And if it is, is that a good thing or a bad thing? We're not really sure what to think about that.
Good stuff, though. Partially in outcome from the big incident, Boss and Paul ended up really having some good chat time, and spent some time talking about how things work - should work - could work, as well as just hanging out together. We went to a munch earlier this week that was followed by arcade gaming, and Paul had a great time that night. Kiara's been out a lot lately, too. There have been several movie trips and shopping trips for her. So she's happy these days. I think she's finally 90% over Bear. I worry that it seems she's slower to whole-heartedly like people now, though. She's not supposed to grow up that way.
After the incident above, when I came mostly to, I realized I couldn't talk. Just didn't seem to be able to make that 'program' function. I tried to sign to Boss, but I don't know enough sign to communicate well, so he thought I was telling him my head hurt, so he turned off the light. So no more signing. Baby Paul made some rudimentary signs last night, too. I think it's time for me to start learning more sign language.
Biggest downer first. We had a huge... incident a few nights ago. Paul was out, and Boss asked for Baby Paul, and no one's really sure what happened next, but next thing I'm sure of is that I was out, but completely panicking. And I wasn't all the way out; I was in a bit of a fugue/dream state, and the panic was completely overwhelming. I was hitting out and screaming and fighting. I think. I was in my head, but I gather that externally the action was a bit more subdued. It reminds me of the nightmares and waking-up effects from when I was married the first time and reacting to abuse by majorly dissociating. Of course, Boss took care of me as best he could; he always does. I know I worried him a lot. But we've discussed what we think might have happened and things to try to avoid triggering something like that again.
Now, the strange thing is, to me, that Silent One didn't come out at this point. This is the type of reaction among which Silent One was born. The panic would lead to Silent One comatose back then. And more recently, the panic would lead to Silent One active and defending itself. Instead, it was - as far as Boss or I could tell - me, possibly a younger version of me, just panicking. So we got to talking about Silent One, and realized it hasn't been out in maybe a couple of months. Internally, we've gone to Silent One's 'room', where the jungle plants stick out through the bars on the door, and stood there, making noise. There doesn't really seem to be anyone home. Is Silent One missing? And if it is, is that a good thing or a bad thing? We're not really sure what to think about that.
Good stuff, though. Partially in outcome from the big incident, Boss and Paul ended up really having some good chat time, and spent some time talking about how things work - should work - could work, as well as just hanging out together. We went to a munch earlier this week that was followed by arcade gaming, and Paul had a great time that night. Kiara's been out a lot lately, too. There have been several movie trips and shopping trips for her. So she's happy these days. I think she's finally 90% over Bear. I worry that it seems she's slower to whole-heartedly like people now, though. She's not supposed to grow up that way.
After the incident above, when I came mostly to, I realized I couldn't talk. Just didn't seem to be able to make that 'program' function. I tried to sign to Boss, but I don't know enough sign to communicate well, so he thought I was telling him my head hurt, so he turned off the light. So no more signing. Baby Paul made some rudimentary signs last night, too. I think it's time for me to start learning more sign language.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Bowling Trip [Paul]
We went bowling last night, and several of us got to actually bowl, so it's worth talking about here. We, as a system, have some great friends who are really open to dealing with us as a multiple and really accepting. I mean, they ask questions about being multiple and stuff, which is cool. But even better, they accept whoever's out like it's just no big deal. And that's really awesome.
So it was some of those folks we were with yesterday. They are people we know from the club, which is where we're completely out about being multi. The people organizing it have known M and me and Kiara for a while, and maybe some others? And MK went with us, so we felt pretty comfortable being whoever we wanted to be.
M was out when we got there. She said hi to everyone, and she went ahead and started bowling. The friends I mentioned bowled with us, and it was just having fun; nobody was being competitive or anything. Mostly we were sitting around talking, and just happened to be bowling at the same time. They did ask about this blog, which is pretty cool. It's always kinda nice to know somebody's reading.
For the second game, I asked if I could come out. I knew that M would get tired and hurting pretty quick; she's old. But I'm ambidextrous, so I could bowl left-handed and give the right arm a break. Now, I'd never bowled before, I don't think, but I've got access to the 'how-to' files in our head, so I just tried to do the same thing M does, only on the other side. I guttered out the first few balls, but then I got the hang of it and did pretty well alright.
The original plan was that Kiara could come out and bowl the third game, but about halfway through my game she decided she didn't want to. She told me that she was afraid people would make fun of her, or she'd be really bad at it. I mean, I told her these people wouldn't care, but she's pretty stubborn. She didn't want to do it. So after the second game, several people didn't want to continue, and we walked around to see what games and stuff there were in the arcade part of the bowling alley.
When we got back, someone suggested that we could put the bumpers up, and Kiara got really excited and said she would try bowling, if she got to use bumpers. So we set up a third game, and switched out to let Kiara bowl. After her first frame, though, the bowling alley people put the bumpers down. And when one of our friends asked about it, they said bumpers only for kids. Kiara got really pouty about that, and almost started crying, but she managed to get through it and play anyway. And as it turned it, she almost beat my score, so she had nothing to worry about!
So yeah, we had fun. But it would have been really weird for someone watching that didn't know we were multiple. See, M bowls kinda normally. Right hand, and rolls it down with a fairly standard amateur kinda roll. I did pretty much the same kind of roll, only with the left hand. And Kiara holds the ball upside down from normal, like she's dangling it off of the two fingers, and rolls it down underhand. And she throws it a lot softer than me, and I throw it softer than M, I think. M bowled a 91, and I got 62, and Kiara got 58, I think.
But I know watching from a distance we've all got different body language and everything, too. So it probably looked confusing. But because the people with us know all three of us, we all got a turn, and it was really comfortable and easy. It was a fun night.
So it was some of those folks we were with yesterday. They are people we know from the club, which is where we're completely out about being multi. The people organizing it have known M and me and Kiara for a while, and maybe some others? And MK went with us, so we felt pretty comfortable being whoever we wanted to be.
M was out when we got there. She said hi to everyone, and she went ahead and started bowling. The friends I mentioned bowled with us, and it was just having fun; nobody was being competitive or anything. Mostly we were sitting around talking, and just happened to be bowling at the same time. They did ask about this blog, which is pretty cool. It's always kinda nice to know somebody's reading.
For the second game, I asked if I could come out. I knew that M would get tired and hurting pretty quick; she's old. But I'm ambidextrous, so I could bowl left-handed and give the right arm a break. Now, I'd never bowled before, I don't think, but I've got access to the 'how-to' files in our head, so I just tried to do the same thing M does, only on the other side. I guttered out the first few balls, but then I got the hang of it and did pretty well alright.
The original plan was that Kiara could come out and bowl the third game, but about halfway through my game she decided she didn't want to. She told me that she was afraid people would make fun of her, or she'd be really bad at it. I mean, I told her these people wouldn't care, but she's pretty stubborn. She didn't want to do it. So after the second game, several people didn't want to continue, and we walked around to see what games and stuff there were in the arcade part of the bowling alley.
When we got back, someone suggested that we could put the bumpers up, and Kiara got really excited and said she would try bowling, if she got to use bumpers. So we set up a third game, and switched out to let Kiara bowl. After her first frame, though, the bowling alley people put the bumpers down. And when one of our friends asked about it, they said bumpers only for kids. Kiara got really pouty about that, and almost started crying, but she managed to get through it and play anyway. And as it turned it, she almost beat my score, so she had nothing to worry about!
So yeah, we had fun. But it would have been really weird for someone watching that didn't know we were multiple. See, M bowls kinda normally. Right hand, and rolls it down with a fairly standard amateur kinda roll. I did pretty much the same kind of roll, only with the left hand. And Kiara holds the ball upside down from normal, like she's dangling it off of the two fingers, and rolls it down underhand. And she throws it a lot softer than me, and I throw it softer than M, I think. M bowled a 91, and I got 62, and Kiara got 58, I think.
But I know watching from a distance we've all got different body language and everything, too. So it probably looked confusing. But because the people with us know all three of us, we all got a turn, and it was really comfortable and easy. It was a fun night.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Zoo Trip [Paul]
Last weekend, M's daughter took us to the zoo for Mother's Day. Yeah, so her mom wasn't exactly around most the day; she hung with me (Paul) and Kiara instead most the time. We had a good time 'cause it was our first trip to a zoo. We can look at M's pictures and memories of going to a zoo, but it's not the same thing as going ourselves.
Some of the things I liked. Sitting on the alligator statue head while sucking down the arctic blast drink and talking. Waving and making faces at the little baby at the show - she was probably 4 or 5 months old, I think. Watching M's daughter watch the little kids dance to the music.
A couple of quotes we heard little kids say while we were there. "Are there any Simbas?" Nope, no lions at this zoo, not yet. She was very sad; it was cute. And "When I grow up, I'm going to be All By Myself!" I guess somebody had too much family togetherness.
Some cool animals we saw. The meerkats are always a favorite. The serval at the show - when a serval is bred with a domestic cat, you get a Savannah cat - and those are cool pet cats - I think I want one someday. The Red River Hogs - they've got tufts all over there face and are really interesting looking. The red pandas look like stuffed animals. We petted the goats and stuff - they were all sleeping in the sun.
Something we noticed (had pointed out) about me or Kiara being out. Whenever we're around little kids and one of us is fronting, lots of little kids really notice us. They smile and wave and react really well to us. I like kids a lot, so this is fun. And Kiara likes people, generally. So maybe little kids 'see' us kids despite the big body, or maybe the way we move the body is more familiar to them. Or maybe they always react to our body that way because we look kind of weird with a shaved head and we're a girl body, but only me and Kiara notice and react back. It's a neat idea to kinda watch in the future.
Some of the things I liked. Sitting on the alligator statue head while sucking down the arctic blast drink and talking. Waving and making faces at the little baby at the show - she was probably 4 or 5 months old, I think. Watching M's daughter watch the little kids dance to the music.
A couple of quotes we heard little kids say while we were there. "Are there any Simbas?" Nope, no lions at this zoo, not yet. She was very sad; it was cute. And "When I grow up, I'm going to be All By Myself!" I guess somebody had too much family togetherness.
Some cool animals we saw. The meerkats are always a favorite. The serval at the show - when a serval is bred with a domestic cat, you get a Savannah cat - and those are cool pet cats - I think I want one someday. The Red River Hogs - they've got tufts all over there face and are really interesting looking. The red pandas look like stuffed animals. We petted the goats and stuff - they were all sleeping in the sun.
Something we noticed (had pointed out) about me or Kiara being out. Whenever we're around little kids and one of us is fronting, lots of little kids really notice us. They smile and wave and react really well to us. I like kids a lot, so this is fun. And Kiara likes people, generally. So maybe little kids 'see' us kids despite the big body, or maybe the way we move the body is more familiar to them. Or maybe they always react to our body that way because we look kind of weird with a shaved head and we're a girl body, but only me and Kiara notice and react back. It's a neat idea to kinda watch in the future.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
An Avatar for Each [Me]
I made avatars! I found a site (which I have since closed instead of bookmarking - sorry!) where I could make an avatar of each alter. And I did, and it was pretty cool to hear them make choices in my head and direct what they should look like. I've added them to the Alters tab above, but I want to talk about them a little here. So I'm going to show them to you a few at a time and tell you about them now. We actually have an order we think of us in, radiating to either side of me. You may have noticed it when I transcribed a group meeting, the order in which we were arranged. But I'm sticking to that order here, because I find it helpful. And maybe interesting, too.
First, The Quiet Girls - Gracelyn, Stephanie, and Cherish. None speak up very often, but they each have a strong presence when they come out, nonetheless. Gracelyn first - she's furthest from me, and sometimes difficult to hear. But her position at the edge gives her the perspective to see what's going on, and keep her distance from the emotions of it all. She prefers shades of purple, and always carries a clipboard with her. Next is Stephanie. She sees Gracelyn as the Lady of the household and obeys her. Shades of brown suit her and her darker skin tone. She shares the title of Slave with Cherish, though they go about their service in different ways, dark and light. Cherish is golden and beautiful and graceful.
Then we have The Kids. Paul is Cherish's son, so he connects with her, but he's no slave. He's all boy, and very strong. He has his own subsystem of alters, but he takes up only one spot in my system. Green is his color - army green, grass-stain green. He gets to have the mohawk he likes, here. Kiara's also very strong, but she's a very girly girl. Bright blue for her, and we found a little polar bear teddy bear for her, too. She has a wig at home that she sometimes wears, styled in pigtails.
Kiara's the closest to me on that side, so I get to be next. I found a book to read, and short short hair for my avatar. I usually dress in shades of red and black, but I'm as likely to take on Kiara's blue or Paul's green, or even Gracelyn's purples. Together with Sam and Rubi, we make up The Big Girls. Sam found a sexy corset top and some comfy harem pants, and a messy kinda-short hair style suited her well. Rubi went sexier and tougher, with red spiky hair and lots of leather.
And then we have Silent One, who doesn't fit into any of the other categories. It's past Rubi simply because they are both rough and animalistic, with Silent One dropping any connection to human behaviors. We 'see' it in shades of gray and black. My theory is that because it has animal sight, colors just don't mean so much to it. We see it as somewhat fuzzy, and hairy. This avatar did approach some of the way it looks internally.
So there we are, a quick visual image of the folks in my head. It was fun for us. We've added these images to our Pinterest boards, also, but I wanted to have them all in one place, too.
Friday, December 28, 2012
The Holidays Are Always Hard [Me]
I think the holiday season is always hard for everyone. You've got to buy presents without enough money, schedule get-togethers without enough time, and visit all those relatives that you tend to avoid during the rest of the year. We're all stressed during the holidays, whether about money, time, relatives, or some awful combination of the above. Added to that, we hit the shortest days of the year, and the weather suddenly turns cold. It's dark and wet and dreary all the time. There's all kinds of work deadlines to catch up to, and now people pressure you to think about resolutions for next year. No wonder we're all cranky and depressed during the holidays.
Over the last dozen holiday seasons, I spent seven or eight of them working on a stage version of A Christmas Carol. Which means from the beginning of October until mid-December, I was Christmassing very hard. By the time the show closed and the actual holiday came about, I just wanted it to be over. The other years, well, I was still a single mom with a little girl to buy presents for - money stresses and trying not to fight with her father over scheduling ruled a lot of my holidays.
The last couple of years, I was driving back-and-forth up to Kentucky to get my daughter, move her out of her dorm, visit my parents, move her back in the dorm, and try to help everyone get everywhere they were supposed to be. Not only did I not have the money for presents, but I needed to buy lots of gas, too! Add to that, every year I tend to get really sick either on Thanksgiving Day or Christmas Day - like, can't open presents or get out of bed long enough to eat a meal kind of sick. So health and money have been major stressors.
This year, things weren't so bad. The new job means I have more cash than I'm accustomed to, so early in the season, I spent some quiet hours at work buying presents. The real trick was saving them for Christmas instead of giving them out immediately. So my money situation is much, much better than usual. And my fantastic daughter managed her own ride from her dorm to home, and she didn't have to move out-and-in her dorm, so that saved me a couple of days of driving and lots of gas money. We even have a scheme for getting her back that will combine with visiting family, and not as much driving as taking her back myself.
I didn't sign on for any big projects this year, either. No haunted house, no holiday plays, nothing. So I have the time and energy to visit and do things - and relax some, too. And we figured out one cause of the getting sick every year - I'm allergic to the cinnamon scent that's in all the Christmas potpourri and stuff. By buying my gifts online, I've avoided the stuff in stores that makes me sick every year.
So the only thing left from above is fighting with the ex. Well, the kid's an adult now, and she's finally starting to stand up for herself with him. Which means I'm not interacting with him at all. In fact, her boyfriend is supporting her in that more than I am. I'm pretty pleased with him; he seems to be a good guy.
So yeah, all the normal Christmas stress stuff is pretty okay for me this year. I haven't stressed much about it at all. The weather's been mild, and I've spent lots of time with the people who are actually important to me. And some time resting and relaxing. Not that we haven't had ANY issues. There's always something, isn't there? Boss is searching for a job; his could end at any time. The metamour has on-again, off-again health issues - but more good days than bad, lately, I think.
Kiara still seems to be mourning Bear. But we're headed to his house tonight for gaming, and we went to a Yule party at his house. We're trying to figure out how to relate with him now. And we'll get there. For now, Sam seems to be best at interacting with him. She was never that attached to him. But Kiara came out for presents on Christmas, and she got several.
Paul got several Christmas presents specifically for him, too. He's had some rough times working through how his system interacts with Boss lately, and we weren't sure he would even come to front for Christmas. But he did, and now he and Boss are starting to work things out again, carefully figuring out how things work.
Gracelyn also took a period of being missing. But not because she was upset; just because she didn't feel that she was all that needed. She's always been mostly background, sometimes moreso than others. Boss has been on vacation from his job, so she hasn't been out to drive to and from work with him, as we carpool. When we drive alone, it's usually me or Sam driving. Silent One has also been much quieter lately, but it did come out the other night, and it was a very calm event.
Stephanie is continuing to show up, and less likely to 'go blank', taking the body into a disconnected state. Cherish hasn't been out much, though. There's another slave to take some of her being. But when she is out, she has a lot more confidence, even a hint of a sense of humor. I'd like to see her out more.
Rubi has had a few opportunities for topping lately, and has had a couple of serious play sessions as a bottom. She doesn't seem to miss Bear as much as I expected, or maybe she's just biding her time? I feel like her complacency may be temporary, so I'd like to have her a regular play partner again. But it's probably a good thing, health-wise, that we aren't having as many heavy play scenes lately. And Sam's getting more play now, instead.
Over the last dozen holiday seasons, I spent seven or eight of them working on a stage version of A Christmas Carol. Which means from the beginning of October until mid-December, I was Christmassing very hard. By the time the show closed and the actual holiday came about, I just wanted it to be over. The other years, well, I was still a single mom with a little girl to buy presents for - money stresses and trying not to fight with her father over scheduling ruled a lot of my holidays.
The last couple of years, I was driving back-and-forth up to Kentucky to get my daughter, move her out of her dorm, visit my parents, move her back in the dorm, and try to help everyone get everywhere they were supposed to be. Not only did I not have the money for presents, but I needed to buy lots of gas, too! Add to that, every year I tend to get really sick either on Thanksgiving Day or Christmas Day - like, can't open presents or get out of bed long enough to eat a meal kind of sick. So health and money have been major stressors.
This year, things weren't so bad. The new job means I have more cash than I'm accustomed to, so early in the season, I spent some quiet hours at work buying presents. The real trick was saving them for Christmas instead of giving them out immediately. So my money situation is much, much better than usual. And my fantastic daughter managed her own ride from her dorm to home, and she didn't have to move out-and-in her dorm, so that saved me a couple of days of driving and lots of gas money. We even have a scheme for getting her back that will combine with visiting family, and not as much driving as taking her back myself.
I didn't sign on for any big projects this year, either. No haunted house, no holiday plays, nothing. So I have the time and energy to visit and do things - and relax some, too. And we figured out one cause of the getting sick every year - I'm allergic to the cinnamon scent that's in all the Christmas potpourri and stuff. By buying my gifts online, I've avoided the stuff in stores that makes me sick every year.
So the only thing left from above is fighting with the ex. Well, the kid's an adult now, and she's finally starting to stand up for herself with him. Which means I'm not interacting with him at all. In fact, her boyfriend is supporting her in that more than I am. I'm pretty pleased with him; he seems to be a good guy.
So yeah, all the normal Christmas stress stuff is pretty okay for me this year. I haven't stressed much about it at all. The weather's been mild, and I've spent lots of time with the people who are actually important to me. And some time resting and relaxing. Not that we haven't had ANY issues. There's always something, isn't there? Boss is searching for a job; his could end at any time. The metamour has on-again, off-again health issues - but more good days than bad, lately, I think.
Kiara still seems to be mourning Bear. But we're headed to his house tonight for gaming, and we went to a Yule party at his house. We're trying to figure out how to relate with him now. And we'll get there. For now, Sam seems to be best at interacting with him. She was never that attached to him. But Kiara came out for presents on Christmas, and she got several.
Paul got several Christmas presents specifically for him, too. He's had some rough times working through how his system interacts with Boss lately, and we weren't sure he would even come to front for Christmas. But he did, and now he and Boss are starting to work things out again, carefully figuring out how things work.
Gracelyn also took a period of being missing. But not because she was upset; just because she didn't feel that she was all that needed. She's always been mostly background, sometimes moreso than others. Boss has been on vacation from his job, so she hasn't been out to drive to and from work with him, as we carpool. When we drive alone, it's usually me or Sam driving. Silent One has also been much quieter lately, but it did come out the other night, and it was a very calm event.
Stephanie is continuing to show up, and less likely to 'go blank', taking the body into a disconnected state. Cherish hasn't been out much, though. There's another slave to take some of her being. But when she is out, she has a lot more confidence, even a hint of a sense of humor. I'd like to see her out more.
Rubi has had a few opportunities for topping lately, and has had a couple of serious play sessions as a bottom. She doesn't seem to miss Bear as much as I expected, or maybe she's just biding her time? I feel like her complacency may be temporary, so I'd like to have her a regular play partner again. But it's probably a good thing, health-wise, that we aren't having as many heavy play scenes lately. And Sam's getting more play now, instead.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Feeling Better [Me]
The depression seems to have been headed off. Last weekend I did get some really great playtime in, and Sunday we made some good progress on finishing the deck/storage building. It has a roof and walls complete. We need stairs to the deck part and a door on the storage part. We haven't had any major mental crashes since the weekend, and life is looking pretty rosy for the moment again.
I've talked to my daughter a couple of times, and I need to brag on her again. By the way, she's now starting to read my blog. I refuse to let that color what I write, but sometimes there's a twinge of related discomfort. But she's a big girl, and if she runs up on something she doesn't want to know about her momma, she'll skip over it. But the bragging. She was trying to come up with a topic for her group project in Psych 101 class, and she asked me if I was okay with her doing something on DID. Now, I thought that was cool. Not only that she wants to understand more about DID, but that she's aware enough to ask me if I was okay with that. So I sent her a whole bunch of links to information about DID, along with this blog address. Unfortunately, the teacher turned down her project proposal because DID isn't mentioned in her intro psych book - not even in the abnormal psych chapter. I'm thinking, hey, it's in the DSM-IV, shouldn't that be enough? But no, not this time. However, she decided to do a different project related to DID - she's looking at choreographing a dance about it. I love how creative she is, and how thoughtful she is in not only trying to understand us better, but in checking to be sure we're okay with it. When we talk on the phone, she almost always has a question about some preference one of the alters has or how some part of our system works.
I've been doing some more writing, or at least focusing a little more on writing I've already done. I'm really glad I threw all my writing into a blog, but a little nervous about some of the things on there. I can see people being greatly discomforted by some of it, even after the warning I start with. It's rough, or at least I see it as pretty harsh rough reading. But it's not like I'm twisting anyone's arm to read it. Paul even okay'd putting his original memory up there. I kind of hope he'll write some more.
Speaking of Paul - he seems to be back to normal, now. But last week he came out one day completely reset, without the memories of who he's been. It was very strange. Also last week, we had ordered for him a bootblack box - the kind with the little foot pedal on top, and it came in yesterday. But he was out last night and the night before back to his normal unruffled self.
Kiara's been out and less unhappy too. She got some new bitey-toys, some puppy pacifiers, that seem to be a hit. And we have orange push-pop ice cream in the house for her. A month ago or thereabouts, she was peeking in the freezer at the ice cream we have. There were fudge pops, that Paul likes, and ice cream sandwiches, that I like. And she looked very seriously at Boss and asked why don't we have ice cream for her. He told her he would get her some if she put it on the grocery list, and it just blew her mind. Somehow it had never occurred to her that she could put something on the grocery list just for her. So she did, and sure enough, we have push-pops now. She hasn't had any yet, but knowing we have them is pretty impressive to her.
Lately, I know I've been blogging a lot more about day-to-day events in my life than about the experience of being multiple. I know, it's a blog, and day-to-day is what a blog is about. But I also want to cover a lot more about the experience of being multiple. So, readers, if you have a suggested topic, let me know. Even better, go up to the tab above that says 'Who's Reading?' and tell me about yourself, and suggest topics there.
I've talked to my daughter a couple of times, and I need to brag on her again. By the way, she's now starting to read my blog. I refuse to let that color what I write, but sometimes there's a twinge of related discomfort. But she's a big girl, and if she runs up on something she doesn't want to know about her momma, she'll skip over it. But the bragging. She was trying to come up with a topic for her group project in Psych 101 class, and she asked me if I was okay with her doing something on DID. Now, I thought that was cool. Not only that she wants to understand more about DID, but that she's aware enough to ask me if I was okay with that. So I sent her a whole bunch of links to information about DID, along with this blog address. Unfortunately, the teacher turned down her project proposal because DID isn't mentioned in her intro psych book - not even in the abnormal psych chapter. I'm thinking, hey, it's in the DSM-IV, shouldn't that be enough? But no, not this time. However, she decided to do a different project related to DID - she's looking at choreographing a dance about it. I love how creative she is, and how thoughtful she is in not only trying to understand us better, but in checking to be sure we're okay with it. When we talk on the phone, she almost always has a question about some preference one of the alters has or how some part of our system works.
I've been doing some more writing, or at least focusing a little more on writing I've already done. I'm really glad I threw all my writing into a blog, but a little nervous about some of the things on there. I can see people being greatly discomforted by some of it, even after the warning I start with. It's rough, or at least I see it as pretty harsh rough reading. But it's not like I'm twisting anyone's arm to read it. Paul even okay'd putting his original memory up there. I kind of hope he'll write some more.
Speaking of Paul - he seems to be back to normal, now. But last week he came out one day completely reset, without the memories of who he's been. It was very strange. Also last week, we had ordered for him a bootblack box - the kind with the little foot pedal on top, and it came in yesterday. But he was out last night and the night before back to his normal unruffled self.
Kiara's been out and less unhappy too. She got some new bitey-toys, some puppy pacifiers, that seem to be a hit. And we have orange push-pop ice cream in the house for her. A month ago or thereabouts, she was peeking in the freezer at the ice cream we have. There were fudge pops, that Paul likes, and ice cream sandwiches, that I like. And she looked very seriously at Boss and asked why don't we have ice cream for her. He told her he would get her some if she put it on the grocery list, and it just blew her mind. Somehow it had never occurred to her that she could put something on the grocery list just for her. So she did, and sure enough, we have push-pops now. She hasn't had any yet, but knowing we have them is pretty impressive to her.
Lately, I know I've been blogging a lot more about day-to-day events in my life than about the experience of being multiple. I know, it's a blog, and day-to-day is what a blog is about. But I also want to cover a lot more about the experience of being multiple. So, readers, if you have a suggested topic, let me know. Even better, go up to the tab above that says 'Who's Reading?' and tell me about yourself, and suggest topics there.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Seesaw Emotions [Me]
Last weekend was really rough. And Monday and Tuesday, I was still feeling pretty uncomfortable.
Tuesday night, we got together with someone who is new to recognizing that she's multiple, and new to exploring kink. And she had questions. My word, did she have questions. We spent two hours answering her questions, and she was very excited and sparkly in spirit. And we went home feeling very positive. At bedtime, Kiara was out and asked Boss to wrap her up in a sheet. She likes the comfort-feeling of bondage, whether rope or cloth or whatever. Rachel came out and tickled and teased and played with her a little, and we stayed wrapped up until we fell asleep.
So yesterday morning I woke up feeling a good bit better, feeling reasonably positive. We got one blog post written about being bald that's been on our 'ideas list' for a while, and got some ideas for some fiction writing detailed out a little bit more. So we were feeling pretty good. Work was pretty slow, and we read most of Hunger Games, and finished it. Kiara was out at suppertime and watched United States of Tara with Boss.
And then we went to bed, and fell apart again. To the point that Boss asked, this morning, why we were so upset with him. And we are upset with him, a little, but not really. We're upset. And that means that we're over-sensitive about things and get upset with him about stuff we normally wouldn't.
There's a lot of little things bothering me. We haven't had sex - not really - since the weekend. And since I pretty much lost the weekend, that means it's really been a while for me. I haven't had a good beating in nearly two weeks, and that always makes me jumpy. Sam's bored, which is not a good thing. And Rubi's been eyeing the scalpels again, about ready to entertain herself, since no one else is. Having both of the kids acting out is really stressful - Kiara used to be my destressor; her being unhappy really aches. I'm feeling rather un-useful at work. The deckwork at the house is incomplete and been sitting for over a week with no progress. The roof work is going to be an ordeal. I haven't gotten to really chat with my Mommy for a few weeks; we've been playing phone tag. With my metamour healing and grieving, and that making the Boss tense, I catch their tension and echo it. I have people that I care about and haven't been able to see in several weeks.
I am headed for a depression. I recognize that it's coming, and I hope I can head it off. Hopefully this weekend will have good play and fun sex and lot of socializing with people that are important to me. That will help.
And it's not as if there's nothing good going on in my life. Finally, for the first time in a very long time, I'm not terribly worried about money. I'm making more now where I am than my last job, and my spending has not quite caught up to that. My tenants are paying enough rent to make the house pay for itself. And even if something catastrophic happened, I'm not the only breadwinner in the household. I haven't had that - ever - in my adult life. And my daughter, oh my daughter makes me happy. I just got off the phone with her after a long chat. She's doing great at school and she's happy. She knows about my kink and poly and multiplicity, and she accepts them all happily. In fact, she wants to do a project at school about my being multiple, and asked if it was okay to take me as her example. I feel great about that, and I'm about to send her a lot of information. The educational classes I teach, Dungeon 101 and Kink 101, are doing well. Kink 101 is a new class that I've only taught once, but there are some opportunities on the horizon for them. I have been flirting with someone that could turn out to be a casual relationship for me. I would like that a lot. So there are good things going on. I just need to get past this depressive dip to enjoy them.
Tuesday night, we got together with someone who is new to recognizing that she's multiple, and new to exploring kink. And she had questions. My word, did she have questions. We spent two hours answering her questions, and she was very excited and sparkly in spirit. And we went home feeling very positive. At bedtime, Kiara was out and asked Boss to wrap her up in a sheet. She likes the comfort-feeling of bondage, whether rope or cloth or whatever. Rachel came out and tickled and teased and played with her a little, and we stayed wrapped up until we fell asleep.
So yesterday morning I woke up feeling a good bit better, feeling reasonably positive. We got one blog post written about being bald that's been on our 'ideas list' for a while, and got some ideas for some fiction writing detailed out a little bit more. So we were feeling pretty good. Work was pretty slow, and we read most of Hunger Games, and finished it. Kiara was out at suppertime and watched United States of Tara with Boss.
And then we went to bed, and fell apart again. To the point that Boss asked, this morning, why we were so upset with him. And we are upset with him, a little, but not really. We're upset. And that means that we're over-sensitive about things and get upset with him about stuff we normally wouldn't.
There's a lot of little things bothering me. We haven't had sex - not really - since the weekend. And since I pretty much lost the weekend, that means it's really been a while for me. I haven't had a good beating in nearly two weeks, and that always makes me jumpy. Sam's bored, which is not a good thing. And Rubi's been eyeing the scalpels again, about ready to entertain herself, since no one else is. Having both of the kids acting out is really stressful - Kiara used to be my destressor; her being unhappy really aches. I'm feeling rather un-useful at work. The deckwork at the house is incomplete and been sitting for over a week with no progress. The roof work is going to be an ordeal. I haven't gotten to really chat with my Mommy for a few weeks; we've been playing phone tag. With my metamour healing and grieving, and that making the Boss tense, I catch their tension and echo it. I have people that I care about and haven't been able to see in several weeks.
I am headed for a depression. I recognize that it's coming, and I hope I can head it off. Hopefully this weekend will have good play and fun sex and lot of socializing with people that are important to me. That will help.
And it's not as if there's nothing good going on in my life. Finally, for the first time in a very long time, I'm not terribly worried about money. I'm making more now where I am than my last job, and my spending has not quite caught up to that. My tenants are paying enough rent to make the house pay for itself. And even if something catastrophic happened, I'm not the only breadwinner in the household. I haven't had that - ever - in my adult life. And my daughter, oh my daughter makes me happy. I just got off the phone with her after a long chat. She's doing great at school and she's happy. She knows about my kink and poly and multiplicity, and she accepts them all happily. In fact, she wants to do a project at school about my being multiple, and asked if it was okay to take me as her example. I feel great about that, and I'm about to send her a lot of information. The educational classes I teach, Dungeon 101 and Kink 101, are doing well. Kink 101 is a new class that I've only taught once, but there are some opportunities on the horizon for them. I have been flirting with someone that could turn out to be a casual relationship for me. I would like that a lot. So there are good things going on. I just need to get past this depressive dip to enjoy them.
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