Resolutions, Not the New Years Kind (Me)

It's time to catch my readers up on what's going on. There are a number of situations that have impacted us lately that all seem to have been resolved or moving quickly toward a resolution. I feel like things are going to start getting better from this point on. Here's hoping.

Glass seems to be sticking around, but just in the background. Paul and Kiara have both been out a little bit lately; not back to normal, but enough that I'm not worried about them. Sam and Rubi haven't really been out, but I can hear them around inside. So we're back to six people for now.

I'm still dealing with dental work. We made two attempts at the root canal, and couldn't get it through. So we're having the tooth pulled, along with another that was slated for extraction. That'll be this Friday, and then that should be the end of things going on with my teeth, I hope.

I mentioned before that Boss lost his job about a month ago. There were a couple of jobs out of town that he was looking at; and I had already decided I wasn't willing to move out of town if he took them. So we were scared that the job thing was going to force us to break up. Well, last Friday he accepted a new job, and it's in town. So all the stress that goes with unemployment is handled. There may be a week or two break in the income stream, but we've already prepared for that.

Now, this means that Boss is going to need a car. I have a second vehicle, a truck, but my daughter has been driving it. Well, she bought a car this weekend, so we'll have the truck back. It's not a good choice for Boss to drive to/from work forever, but it'll do just fine for a while. Timing sometimes works out really well.

As part of the discussions about out-of-town jobs, MK and I talked a lot about whether he and I and Boss were a viable relationship. Even if Boss took a job in town, all of us splitting up and moving out separately was an option we were looking at. And we had to wait for a job to be picked up before we could really make any decisions. The three of us have decided to keep pushing to make things work. Knowing that we are all three committed to that really eases my mind and gives me some hope that we can succeed. I'm feeling pretty good about things in that realm now.

Part of what we have to work on is the change in my relationship with Boss. A few weeks back, just before the job loss was announced, I think, I decided I could no longer wear Boss's collar. I have tried to be his submissive, but I felt like I was failing at it all the time. I think part of that comes from losing Cherish and Stephanie, and even Gracelyn. So we are going to try being boyfriend and girlfriend (and boyfriend) instead. This is new territory for us, but hopefully this will turn into something where we all feel like we're succeeding more.

Now, I did say the three of us, and there are four people in our family. It's been decided that the Metamour will be transitioning out of our household over the next few months. That relationship has just not proved to be salvageable, so we're working on changing that. So now she's doing the job search thing, and trying to plan out what she's going to be doing instead. That has the potential to turn into a lot of stress in the household, but we're all going to help her as much as we can reasonably do so.

Oh, and I'm finally over the Yearly Ick. With all the situations beginning to resolve, the despair and hopelessness and depression is lifting. So things are looking up, and I think they'll continue to do so.

Remix. Again. [Me]

Looks like the personality matrix has gone through a remix again. I've put off admitting it, even to myself. Because writing it down makes it more true. But I haven't seen several alters in a long time, and we have been seeing a new one. It's time to admit it, I guess.

Me, Sam, and Rubi are still the 'Big Girls'.
Kiara and Paul are still the kids in the group.
Paul has settled with ages 3,9, and 15 pretty well.

I haven't seen Cherish or Stephanie in months.
I've quit hearing Gracelyn even inside, even when I ask for her, look for her.
I don't think they're coming back. I'm putting up their nametags, into their 'personal effects' boxes. If they return, then I'll bring the nametags back out. But like Jarett, I feel like they may be so far inside they won't return.

Silent One isn't there either. There have been situations where it should have come out, when I was hurting terribly and trying desperately to absent myself, and it just didn't come out. It surprised me. My last resort is gone. But there is the 'closet person' who has been coming out more. When everything gets loud and overwhelming, I've been wanting to just retreat into a small space. And on the occasion I can actually do so, it feels very calming and peaceful. I can lose the upset as long as I'm in that small space.

I talked about that one in this post before. It's time to name that one so I can refer to her. I'd like to reuse Gracelyn's nametag, which has GL on it. The flower on the tag feels right for the newer alter. So I do baby name searches, and I get:
Glayd, Glaide - meadow
Glaine, Glayn, Glayne - jewel
Glenys, Glinys - holy, fair one
Outside the name searches, I find a few other words that have some feeling about them that works:
Glass, Glance, Gleam, Glow

It's hard to match a name to an alter that doesn't just announce who they are. But I can 'see' her 'aura' brighten with the amount of pleasure she takes in each, as I focus inside. Again, English is inadequate here. Glass seems to please her the most. And once I wrote that sentence, she 'turned' and went further inside. I guess that's the answer then. Her name is Glass.

Goodbye, Cherish, Stephanie, and Gracelyn. Hello, Glass.

Catching Up [Me]

I want to write more, but things keep coming up, and I'm too busy to have a few minutes. Or am I just procrastinating dealing with it because there are easier happier things to deal with first?

We're still dealing with my father's death. This weekend we went out of town to pick up some of his stuff from his wife. It was a really annoying weekend; she didn't have things ready and kept putting us off. We were all sick or injured - Boss and my daughter went with me - and I'm still feeling crappy health-wise. There was no sleeping, since an impromptu party sprung up at the house in which we were staying. I made several fails in my planning and time and money management for the weekend. The club we visited while down there had a power outage. It was just a stressful trip. But it was also fun. When you reach a certain level of 'fail', you just throw up your hands and give up on anything planned. We reached that point and then just worried about enjoying each others' company. So we had fun, just didn't accomplish much of what we set out to do. Or what I set out to do, at least. And there's still things going on.

I'm definitely feeling stressed and depressed. Unfortunately, in trying to help me deal with that, my family made it worse last night. I really needed to get some things done and then have some time not with anyone else. I already have a tendency, when I come home, to need a few minutes to get settled in without anyone making any demands on me. But last night was like a magnification of that. Everyone seemed to want to talk to me or create something I needed to interrupt what I was doing to deal with. I know the idea was to support me and comfort me and tell me I didn't have to work on stuff right then. But I needed the stuff done so I could relax, and I needed left alone to get the stuff done. It was an ugly spiral, and I'm still really stressed about it. I got up early this morning just to have some time where no one would talk to me.

And I'm teaching this afternoon. I've got to be all happy and authoritative and friendly. When really I just want to curl up in my cave and read a book.

I made a cave in my closet with some pillows and a book and a light. I'm finding I need a retreat spot a lot lately. I think there's a new alter that needs it. Either a new alter, or an evolution of Silent One, since there are some similarities, and I don't 'see' Silent One anywhere. This one's human, at least, but I think somewhat feral. And non-verbal. At least this one's need to hide in the back of the closet is easier to deal with than some of Silent One's behaviors, or even those of the kids sometimes.

It seems that Paul's system has reorganized a bit. It started a while back, when Baby Paul Age 2 and Baby Paul Age 5 apparently merged into Baby Paul Age 3. Now Paul Age 8 and Paul Age 11 seem to have merged into Paul, age 9 or 10 maybe? So we have Big Paul (14), Middle Paul (9-10), and Baby Paul (3). I think that's easier to deal with? I don't know what it means, that he's consolidating. I know his Age 2, 5, 8, 11, and 14 choices had to do with the age he was when certain events happened in his 'other world life'. Maybe going to new ages means he's attaching himself to this world and this life more than the other one? He's trying to figure out how to relate to Boss more/better. And Boss is trying very hard not to pressure him and to make it easy for him.

I haven't had a whiff of Cherish or Stephanie or the original Silent One in many weeks, or even Gracelyn. I don't know what that means. Are they gone? Are they just not needed right now? It's like the lights are off inside, and I can't tell what's going on. Even Rubi's mostly missing. I could really use her right now. I'm having lots of quick anger, which isn't normal for me. That's usually her arena. But she can't top, because I've torn some muscle in my arm. And she can't bottom heavily, because we slipped a disk in my back. She tries not to come out and be around Boss much because her behavior is detrimental to our attempt for him to be dominant over my system. So she has no outlet, and I think her anger is 'leaking' out to me.

The only alters that seems reasonably normal are Kiara and Sam. Sam pops out for quick moments, as she's always done, and Kiara comes out when she wants to and is very strong, then stays away when she wants. She's not as happy as she used to be, and hasn't been for months, but she's very strong. Now that my daughter is living back in town, I know that's pleased Kiara a lot, but they haven't spent much time together, even so.

Nametags [Me]

We finally got pictures of the nametags that Boss made for us! We wear these leather tags snapped onto our collar when we're around kink folk, so they know who they are talking to (if they want to). I've been wanting pictures of them for a while, and here they are!

Here are the main five that people might see at the club - Rubi, Sam, Me, Kiara, and Paul. You can see the blade and cuts all over for Rubi, the BDSM triskelion for Sam, my IDIC, Kiara's ladybug, and Paul's legos.

And then there are three more for alters that aren't likely to be seen at the club. Silent One doesn't have a tag because, really, you think it would put it on? Stephanie, Cherish, and Gracelyn are below. The symbol on the slaves' tags is for the House of Aten, which is how Boss identifies himself and his household. And Gracelyn has a purple flower.

Stress Reduced [Me]

We've had an excellent weekend. Something we really needed, after so much stress at home lately.

We're still dealing with condoms, which has caused a lot of our stress, since early February. Nobody wants to use them, but if they don't get used there's anger and guilt and distrust. I hate fighting with Boss over something like that. When he tries to initiate sex without a condom, I feel like he's not sticking to our agreement to use them. I feel like I have to check up on him and monitor him, rather than submitting to his wishes as I want to be doing. And when I have to stop him to put it on, it gives me the feeling that he's trying to get around the rule. And that means he's not protecting me. I can only submit to him so fully when I can trust that he will take better care of me than I will of myself. I have to be able to trust that he will do whatever it takes to protect me. When he does, it makes me feel like I am something valuable and treasured in his life. And that feeling is essential to loving, for me.

The biggest problem with that comes when we're sleeping. Boss has three primary alters, all of whom I think can be relied upon to 'play within the rules'. But he has several secondary alters that won't, or don't understand. And in the middle of the night, one of those alters is likely to wake up and initiate sex before any of the primaries are awake enough to grab a condom. And if I'm asleep, I'm likely to let it go further than it should before I stop to do a rubber-check. Especially if Stephanie's out, like she was a few nights ago. She will not force the condom issue; she's certain that he has every right to do anything to us without our agreement. So the other night there was probably twenty minutes of rubbing and humping before primaries in either system had any sort of control. Which means I was furious in the morning, and Boss didn't even realize why, because he didn't realize just how far that had gone. This was part of the reason for Stephanie being shelved. She has no sense of self-preservation, and I can't push her out of the front to protect us.

So this weekend we handled several steps to easing the tension on this matter. First, Boss got his lab results back, and tested clear for STDs. We expected him to, but weren't positive. We still need to wear condoms a bit longer because some things take 12 weeks to 'pop' on the tests, but most things are now ruled out. Second, Stephanie got put into storage. Third, Cherish was given orders to speak up and ensure that Boss wears a condom. That's really hard for her, but she agreed to it, and even practiced it. And Fourth, I talked to one of Boss's secondary alters, the one most likely to be transgressing, and the most likely to be able to control the others. He didn't like being told what to do, not at all. But after some growling at each other, he got the idea, and reluctantly agreed to follow the rule, and to try to force the others to do so, as well. Apparently I lose points for asking the craziest guy in there to follow a rule, but I get points for flattering him about being the only one strong enough to enforce it.

While Cherish was out, Boss also talked to her about Stephanie being put away. I think they both really needed to be able to talk about be sad about that.

Shelving Stephanie [Me]

Stephanie has become more and more of a problem for our system's safety. She's missing a lot of basic self-protection behaviors, and I can't count on her to continue acting at all unless Boss is watching her very closely and being uber-responsible about directing her. Last night it came to a head, and we made the decision this morning to do something about it before she gets us hurt.

Externally, she was out all night. We let her get one last shower this morning, because she loves them so. Internally, during the shower, several of us took ahold of her and walked her down the hall, past her room, to the storage access. There are several closet-shelves in there, all but one dark. Jarett's glows a rich chocolate-brown color. We opened up the one next to him, made Stephanie lay down on the pull-out bed, and then each bade her goodbye. Then we closed her up into storage like Jarett. Her door glows a rusty, earthy brown color.

Cherish has been heartbroken. The two slaves have been sharing a room all this time, sleeping wrapped around each other, the light and the dark. Paul's devoted his energy today to taking care of Cherish. Rubi's guarding the hallway access to keep anyone from heading down that hall.

Externally, we've done some crying over the matter, but we know it's for the best. Maybe our world will be such that it's safe to bring her back out in the future, but not right now. We just told Boss about it earlier. He's going to blame himself, take it as us punishing him; that's the way he is. That's not what it's about, but that's how he'll feel. And right now, we're torn up enough about making the decision and acting on it that we're not up to comforting him, too. So I anticipate the next couple of days being a bit uncomfortable around home. There's other reasons for that, too, but not related to being multiple, so I won't go into them here. Just couple stuff.

An Avatar for Each [Me]

I made avatars! I found a site (which I have since closed instead of bookmarking - sorry!) where I could make an avatar of each alter. And I did, and it was pretty cool to hear them make choices in my head and direct what they should look like. I've added them to the Alters tab above, but I want to talk about them a little here. So I'm going to show them to you a few at a time and tell you about them now. We actually have an order we think of us in, radiating to either side of me. You may have noticed it when I transcribed a group meeting, the order in which we were arranged. But I'm sticking to that order here, because I find it helpful. And maybe interesting, too.

First, The Quiet Girls - Gracelyn, Stephanie, and Cherish. None speak up very often, but they each have a strong presence when they come out, nonetheless. Gracelyn first - she's furthest from me, and sometimes difficult to hear. But her position at the edge gives her the perspective to see what's going on, and keep her distance from the emotions of it all. She prefers shades of purple, and always carries a clipboard with her. Next is Stephanie. She sees Gracelyn as the Lady of the household and obeys her. Shades of brown suit her and her darker skin tone. She shares the title of Slave with Cherish, though they go about their service in different ways, dark and light. Cherish is golden and beautiful and graceful.

Then we have The Kids. Paul is Cherish's son, so he connects with her, but he's no slave. He's all boy, and very strong. He has his own subsystem of alters, but he takes up only one spot in my system. Green is his color - army green, grass-stain green. He gets to have the mohawk he likes, here. Kiara's also very strong, but she's a very girly girl. Bright blue for her, and we found a little polar bear teddy bear for her, too. She has a wig at home that she sometimes wears, styled in pigtails.

Kiara's the closest to me on that side, so I get to be next. I found a book to read, and short short hair for my avatar. I usually dress in shades of red and black, but I'm as likely to take on Kiara's blue or Paul's green, or even Gracelyn's purples. Together with Sam and Rubi, we make up The Big Girls. Sam found a sexy corset top and some comfy harem pants, and a messy kinda-short hair style suited her well. Rubi went sexier and tougher, with red spiky hair and lots of leather.

And then we have Silent One, who doesn't fit into any of the other categories. It's past Rubi simply because they are both rough and animalistic, with Silent One dropping any connection to human behaviors. We 'see' it in shades of gray and black. My theory is that because it has animal sight, colors just don't mean so much to it. We see it as somewhat fuzzy, and hairy. This avatar did approach some of the way it looks internally. 

So there we are, a quick visual image of the folks in my head. It was fun for us. We've added these images to our Pinterest boards, also, but I wanted to have them all in one place, too.

The Holidays Are Always Hard [Me]

I think the holiday season is always hard for everyone. You've got to buy presents without enough money, schedule get-togethers without enough time, and visit all those relatives that you tend to avoid during the rest of the year. We're all stressed during the holidays, whether about money, time, relatives, or some awful combination of the above. Added to that, we hit the shortest days of the year, and the weather suddenly turns cold. It's dark and wet and dreary all the time. There's all kinds of work deadlines to catch up to, and now people pressure you to think about resolutions for next year. No wonder we're all cranky and depressed during the holidays.

Over the last dozen holiday seasons, I spent seven or eight of them working on a stage version of A Christmas Carol. Which means from the beginning of October until mid-December, I was Christmassing very hard. By the time the show closed and the actual holiday came about, I just wanted it to be over. The other years, well, I was still a single mom with a little girl to buy presents for - money stresses and trying not to fight with her father over scheduling ruled a lot of my holidays.

The last couple of years, I was driving back-and-forth up to Kentucky to get my daughter, move her out of her dorm, visit my parents, move her back in the dorm, and try to help everyone get everywhere they were supposed to be. Not only did I not have the money for presents, but I needed to buy lots of gas, too! Add to that, every year I tend to get really sick either on Thanksgiving Day or Christmas Day - like, can't open presents or get out of bed long enough to eat a meal kind of sick. So health and money have been major stressors.

This year, things weren't so bad. The new job means I have more cash than I'm accustomed to, so early in the season, I spent some quiet hours at work buying presents. The real trick was saving them for Christmas instead of giving them out immediately. So my money situation is much, much better than usual. And my fantastic daughter managed her own ride from her dorm to home, and she didn't have to move out-and-in her  dorm, so that saved me a couple of days of driving and lots of gas money. We even have a scheme for getting her back that will combine with visiting family, and not as much driving as taking her back myself.

I didn't sign on for any big projects this year, either. No haunted house, no holiday plays, nothing. So I have the time and energy to visit and do things - and relax some, too. And we figured out one cause of the getting sick every year - I'm allergic to the cinnamon scent that's in all the Christmas potpourri and stuff. By buying my gifts online, I've avoided the stuff in stores that makes me sick every year.

So the only thing left from above is fighting with the ex. Well, the kid's an adult now, and she's finally starting to stand up for herself with him. Which means I'm not interacting with him at all. In fact, her boyfriend is supporting her in that more than I am. I'm pretty pleased with him; he seems to be a good guy.

So yeah, all the normal Christmas stress stuff is pretty okay for me this year. I haven't stressed much about it at all. The weather's been mild, and I've spent lots of time with the people who are actually important to me. And some time resting and relaxing. Not that we haven't had ANY issues. There's always something, isn't there? Boss is searching for a job; his could end at any time. The metamour has on-again, off-again health issues - but more good days than bad, lately, I think.

Kiara still seems to be mourning Bear. But we're headed to his house tonight for gaming, and we went to a Yule party at his house. We're trying to figure out how to relate with him now. And we'll get there. For now, Sam seems to be best at interacting with him. She was never that attached to him. But Kiara came out for presents on Christmas, and she got several.

Paul got several Christmas presents specifically for him, too. He's had some rough times working through how his system interacts with Boss lately, and we weren't sure he would even come to front for Christmas. But he did, and now he and Boss are starting to work things out again, carefully figuring out how things work.

Gracelyn also took a period of being missing. But not because she was upset; just because she didn't feel that she was all that needed. She's always been mostly background, sometimes moreso than others. Boss has been on vacation from his job, so she hasn't been out to drive to and from work with him, as we carpool. When we drive alone, it's usually me or Sam driving. Silent One has also been much quieter lately, but it did come out the other night, and it was a very calm event.

Stephanie is continuing to show up, and less likely to 'go blank', taking the body into a disconnected state. Cherish hasn't been out much, though. There's another slave to take some of her being. But when she is out, she has a lot more confidence, even a hint of a sense of humor. I'd like to see her out more.

Rubi has had a few opportunities for topping lately, and has had a couple of serious play sessions as a bottom. She doesn't seem to miss Bear as much as I expected, or maybe she's just biding her time? I feel like her complacency may be temporary, so I'd like to have her a regular play partner again. But it's probably a good thing, health-wise, that we aren't having as many heavy play scenes lately. And Sam's getting more play now, instead.

Stephanie Continues [Me, Gracelyn]

I wrote around the beginning of the month about Stephanie, a new alter. She came out rather unexpectedly one night, and the sense we got is that she would be temporary. Why, I don't know. But that's what she told Boss. So it's been nearly a month, and she's still here. We've seen her emerge a few times, and we've learned more about who she is. But not really why she is.

There was a theory when she first showed up that she existed to work through crippling fear and indecision, become stronger, and then merge into Cherish so that Cherish wouldn't be so crippled by her own fears. We've reversed that theory now. Now we think she may have been removed from Cherish, taking away the fear. Cherish has become calmer and more serene, even coming out on purpose a couple of times. And she is more confident in Boss's possession of her. She isn't afraid that he will get rid of her for any little slight, and she is quicker to accept that he may really value her for who and how she is. She has learned that, though she doesn't do very well serving him in a house-servant kind of way, she serves him by calming him when he's unsettled. She is his peace.

Stephanie is also slave to Boss, but not in the way that Cherish is slave. Cherish belongs to him heart and soul and could never imagine belonging to anyone else. If he dismissed her, she would come crawling back to him, begging to continue serving him. Stephanie belongs to whomever bought her and that just happens to be him. She is his property, no more so than the chair he sits in. She doesn't love Boss, only fears him.

I can see Stephanie clearly, too, now. She's twelve; tall for her age and gangly with puberty. Her tight-curled hair is cut short and pulled back into a bun at the back of her head, where it frizzes out. She's got bruises and cuts, and holds her left arm awkwardly - it's been injured at some point, and healed poorly. She's of mixed race, with that awkward beauty that many mixed kids have.

Like Paul, Stephanie came with her own 'creation image'. Apparently I read too many books as a child that imprinted on me, or something. Imagine it's the 1850's. It's evening, and it's raining. A man walks down the street, dragging a little mulatto slave girl beside him, clutching one arm. Whereas he has a nice water-repelling black overcoat, she's soaking wet in her thin cotton gown. His boots splash in the mud; she drags her bare brown feet through it. The man reaches a street corner and stops in front of another man. He yanks on the girl's arm, sending her stumbling forward to fall at the second man's feet. "There, she's yourn," he says. Accepting a small bag of coin from the stranger, he turns back the way he came, leaving the girl with the stranger.

I can see the image in my mind as I write. I can hear the man's voice, hear the rain splattering in the mud, even describe the cut of the big man's overcoat. I don't understand how these images are in my head, but there they are. Some multiples subscribe to a theory that alters are souls that have lost their bodies and come to live in another's mind. I'm too practical to believe such things, but there are days that I wonder if I might be looking at it all wrong...

--from Gracelyn:--

I find it interesting that it is raining in that mental picture. Stephanie comes out when called out by Boss, or on her own when there is water involved. Her initial presentation occurred when we were taking a long bath. We began to doze in the hot water, and then found ourselves unable to make a choice to get up and out of the water. Again this weekend, there was an episode with water. Boss found us sitting down in the shower (because our feet hurt?), letting the water pour down onto our head. Stephanie turned her head back and forth, listening to the way the drops sounded as they hit our ears. When Boss touched us, she was jerked back to an awareness of the world, but immediately tuned him, and it, out when he ceased touching us. Stephanie only speaks when spoken to, and then has to concentrate on it. I suspect that she may rate rather high somewhere on the autistic scale. Her connection to reality is tenuous, at best. I will be doing some research on the condition.

Stephanie - Temporary [Me]

See that delay? That's me having too much to write about and not sure what to do with it. Hey, this next bit is a little on the dark side, might justify a trigger warning.

Did you know that we could have a temporary alter? Neither did we, until one showed up. There's this girl... her purpose seems to be being afraid of Boss when we play. She can't be disobedient, and she doesn't enjoy playing, but she needs it. She's said that she is temporary, not part of the rest of the system. She didn't even have a name. Boss named her September (which I like), then changed it to Stephanie (which I don't). I don't know why we don't like the name Stephanie, but she seems relieved that it's a name we don't like. I can see her in my mind. She's young, maybe mid to late teens? Has stringy dark hair and brown eyes with huge bags under them - or is that a black eye? She's got cuts and bruises all over her of various ages - I can't tell if any are self-inflicted, but she stands in that pose that screams 'abused', one arm awkwardly holding the other elbow as that hand dangles, feet bare and akimbo, hunched over waiting for that next blow. Flinching from it before it happens.

Her arrival has brought up the subject of fear, and love. You can't have both in the same place. I let him - ask him - to do some pretty awful things to me when we play. But I trust him not to harm me, to be more careful of me than I am of myself. He loves me, and would never intentionally do something that he actually thought would be harmful to me.  And that leaves a hole for me, because I understand that, and because of it, I trust him. I know that he'll pull that last bit of his blow, and that means I'm not afraid of it, not really. And sometimes, I need to be afraid. I was afraid - physically afraid - of Bear, because he's just a giant of a man, and though I trusted him, we didn't have that romantic chivalric love between us that would keep me from being afraid of him. My body and my animal mind believed that if he wanted to, he could maim or kill me and nothing I could do about it, even though my rational adult mind says I'm safe enough. With Boss, an earnest 'please' will stop things. I can't be fully afraid of him.

Seems like a good thing, right? Who wants to be afraid of someone you love? Turns out, I do. We do. I occasionally need to be less-than-completely sure that I'll make it through the night okay. We need to cry and beg and get 'No' for an answer. That's what I was getting from Bear. And now I am not. So I think Stephanie has turned up to fill that need. She's not in love with Boss. She's terrified of him. So terrified that she can't be anything but completely obedient to him. Some of that fear-obedience is similar to Cherish's. But whereas Cherish is completely obedient, she also loves Boss with something beyond love. She worships him. And thus, she trusts him. Or rather, she has the attitude that if he wishes to do harm to our body, that's his right, and though she might beg and plead, she would never think that he should stop unless he wants to. If he told her he was going to cut off her leg, she'd cry, but she'd stand still while he tied her down for it. For Stephanie, she'd be too afraid to move while he tied her down for it. Same effect, different meaning.

Gracelyn and Boss seem to think that perhaps Stephanie is here to gain a little strength and then be merged into Cherish. Or she might stick around as long as she's needed and then fade away. In part, I hope it happens quickly. But I also understand why I need her.

Two Holes [Me]

The earring is gone. Yesterday it got worse and worse, until Cherish was having to actively block the pain from it. On the drive to pick up the Boss from work, we all talked about it. Everyone had their reasons for just letting it go. We couldn't sleep on it; we couldn't wear headphones; we risked it getting hit during play; the health consequences of repeated infections there. So we voted. Six votes to remove it. One vote to try it a while longer. And you'd think that vote would be Cherish, but I think she was tired of damping the pain. It was Paul. I still haven't learned his reason, but I suspect it has something to do with knowing it had been important to Cherish. So when we got home last night, Boss asked Cherish out and removed the earring, then had her clean the hole. And then he paid her a lot of attention for a while.

This morning we woke up more refreshed, because we hadn't woke ourselves up every time we turned our head. I feel better. I expected to feel some sadness, mostly from Cherish. But I think she said 'goodbye' to the earring as a mark of her Master's ownership when we removed the ring that was in there first. This bar wasn't hers in the way that one was. So it's just a sense of relief.

I once had three holes in one ear lobe and two in the other. And for nine months I had one in the top of my left ear. And now I have the standard two holes. I'm okay with that.

A Collection of Thoughts [Me]

I don't think the earring is going to make it. The hole's starting to feel and look infected again. And the new earring is too heavy; I can't sleep on that side while wearing it. Even Kiara seems to be wanting it gone - it gets in the way of our morning wake-up cuddling. Cherish is, of course, the main concern. But once the original earring was taken out, she doesn't seem to have the same attachment to the new one. And if it's better for the body for it to be gone...

We had another mash-up this morning. We woke up this morning with me out, but all mixed up with Kiara. And everyone else completely quiet. It wasn't uncomfortable, really, but it was different. Not like Kiara being out and me watching. The same kind of mash-up effect as Cherish had with Silent One last weekend.

Boss has tried renaming Silent One. Instead of SO, he reversed it to OS, and he pronounces it 'Oz'. I suggested NoSSO, for Not So Silent One, would be better. Either way, it doesn't answer to the name, though. It doesn't know why he's making that noise at it. It did pick up a few deliberate noises, though. When it was all mashed up with Cherish, it may have picked up some understanding of language. It made a lip-smacking sound when he said 'kiss', and an 'F' sound for fingers. And he said it very clearly said, "Hi" at one point. I wonder if the language pieces will stick when it's not all mashed up.

This morning, when I was mashed with Kiara, she finally started getting sleepy. And maybe because we were so strongly mixed, I was able to 'see' myself taking her by her hand and leading her back to her room, tucking her in, and getting a nose-kiss goodnight. Then I was able to come back to the front, and my vision cleared about and I was in front all solo. It was very sweet.

We stopped doing our DnD gaming. I'm not doing any role-play gaming now. And it's making me want to write again. Writing/roleplaying is therapy for me. My own self-directed therapy. I'm thinking about looking up my old Star Trek RPG. Or maybe writing some fiction. I might get some friends to co-write with me. I've always enjoyed things I've co-written better.

Sam has started doing a little bedroom role-play with Boss. In the middle of sex or cuddling or whatever, he'll say something to indicate what 'scene' he's feeling like, and Sam's started jumping right in to play that role. She's the most verbal of us during sex, and the most 'out for fun', so it makes sense that she'd jump in for that.

We saw Bear last night. Once a week, we've started going to a trivia night thing that he's doing. And Sam's been the one going to it. She's enjoying hanging with him, and she's got a 'date' to play with him this weekend. She's made no pretense to him of being Me, but he hasn't acknowledged it. He also hasn't shied away from it. He also hasn't, say, asked after Kiara, who won't come out around him at all. Might be interesting for aftercare this weekend.

Well, there's a bunch of collected thoughts for you. They actually are connected to each other, if you know where to look. None quite justifying their own post. But these are things going on with us right now.

Silent Mash-Up [Me]

We are often co-conscious. I'll slide back and forth with Sam, or Sam with Rubi. We can't really say which is most in control, because two of us are. Most of the time, the mix is pretty obvious and predictable. For instance, last Saturday at the club, we were invited to 'top' someone. In the kink world, that means that we were the ones doing. And Rubi's the only one who has a real interest in topping. But Rubi does have a tendency to go too far, so I usually co with her to do the 'responsible caring' part. I make sure we check in on our victi... bottom, and I do the negotiating. That's a co-conscious mix that I'm accustomed to.

After that scene was over, though, we (Me, Sam, and Rubi) played with Boss. And played hard, until he and we were so worn out we couldn't hardly stand up. It was wonderful. But then it got... difficult. The three of us 'big girls' (Kiara's term for Me, Sam, and Rubi) pretty much just passed out. Unfortunately, nobody took back over, so the body was, for all intents and purposes, unconscious. Boss tried to wake me up and call me out, but I was too deeply asleep to answer. Finally, he managed to get Cherish out to take over. Normally, that would be fine, but while we were all 'out', Silent One apparently came partly out. It often does when the body is otherwise unattended, but only at home. The club is NOT a good place for it to manifest.

If anyone should be co-con with Silent One, it should be Rubi, or Me. My last choice for that would be Cherish. It's earthy, raw, primal, violent. She's... none of those things. And both are the least verbal we have, so they can't even tell Boss what's happening. Cherish was able to control walking and direct answers, and hands; just enough to get to the car and sit, then enough to walk to our room. Silent One... feasted on the sights on the way. It was hungry to see what things were, especially since it had never been outside before. Neon lights flashed, cars and people moving, and it had no context to know what everything was.

But Cherish held a sort of mental cage around it enough to get home. Until we got out of the car and started walking through wet grass. Grass is something Silent One knows. It has looked out the window wanting to get into the grass - again, it was wet that night; I don't know if that's relevant. But we nearly dropped down to play in it, taste it, roll in it. Cherish thought quickly and covered our eyes with one hand, and that held everything long enough for Boss to get us inside. He's said since then that he had hoped Silent One would never actually get outside, and I agree. But it's done; we'll see what kind of ramifications roll off of this event.

Earring Replacement [Me]

On January 1st of this year, Boss pierced my left ear and put in a captive slave bead earring to show his ownership of Cherish. He also offered the rest of us a braided collar as our dominant, but the earring was specifically hers as his slave.

Unfortunately, we've had problems with the earring on and off since the piercing. There's a spot above the hole that keeps getting infected, and the bead has come off and rolled away a couple of times. We were afraid to take the ring out for a thorough cleaning because we weren't sure it would go back in. And it has been terrible to try to sleep in.


So last week I ordered a new earring, a post made of niobium, hoping the change in material and shape might help. And yesterday the new earring arrived. Just in time, too, as the infected place flared up again and the bead came off again - both yesterday. When we got home last night, we removed the old earring, cleaned everything up, and inserted the new post, along with a very generous dollop of Neosporin all over it. We couldn't use Neosporin when the old one was inserted because the hole was raw and we needed it to heal with the scar material as a hole, and not close up.

Here is a picture of the new post after we got it in. So far, no swelling. It is noticeably heavier, and I haven't tried sleeping on it yet. Careful propping of pillows kept me on my right side all night. Tonight we'll see what happens when I try the other side.

After we inserted the new earring last night, Boss brought Cherish out. She felt very sad to me, almost solemn. Every time the old earring got messy, she had some panic that he would decide they had to remove it - and with it, perhaps, her sense of being claimed by him? I had hoped that by simply replacing the earring, everything would be fine, but I'm sure that was part of why she was so quiet and unhappy.

I realize, now, that I did her a terrible disservice by taking care of the earring issue, then letting her out, rather than having Boss talk to her first and let her participate in the changeover. It wasn't my earring to change, and I shouldn't have messed with it. And I don't know how to make apologies to her for that.

Cherish hasn't been out very much lately. She won't push herself out unless Boss is having a pretty hard time and needs her to comfort and stabilize him. Otherwise, she patiently awaits being called out, just as she waits to be dismissed to go back in. And she just hasn't been called out very often. Boss has been trying to figure out just what to do with her. She doesn't do cleaning and household projects very well; Gracelyn has taken on those jobs. If Cherish begins them, she fades back out as soon as Boss is out of the room. And while she is working on them, she feels terrified that she doesn't know how to do them correctly. I think what she needs is someone standing over her dictating her every move - which also terrifies her, but in the right way. But Boss doesn't have the time or energy to do that, and he's just not a micro-manager. But we have to find some function for her to fulfill within the function of being his slave. She needs to feel needed.

The Meronym Sims Family [Me]

Last night we were playing The Sims, and created characters similar to each alter. Boss was enthralled (and so were we), and suggested I should put a copy here for everyone - and isn't it cool? From the left, Cherish in front, Gracelyn behind her, Kiara in front, Me in back, Paul in front, Sam in back, and Rubi on the right. Of course, there's no Silent One; I'm not sure how I would create that.

Boss said that they were all really obvious to him, both from his knowledge of them, and the pics in the albums on Pinterest for each alter. Except for Cherish. He didn't see her quite like that, and had trouble placing her. He never did answer how he does see her, though.

And of course, the characters aren't exactly a match for how everyone looks in my head, but it's close. For instance, the ages - you have five choices - infant, child, teen, adult, and elder. I put Kiara and Paul as children, but they aren't really the same age. Kiara should be a little younger than shown, and Paul should be a little older. I put Cherish and Rubi as teens. Rubi is 17, but Cherish is 19. And I wanted to put Gracelyn as an elder, but that only comes up with quite older characters, and no choice but grey hair.

And the clothes weren't exactly what any of us would pick, either, given unlimited choices. But they at least got the spirit of each alter correct, so we're pleased. It was neat to see each person go co-conscious to help pick their own looks and clothes and stuff.

I played the family in-game for a couple of days' game time. And it's really hectic and busy and hard to keep up with. On his own blog, Boss wrote, "But seeing them wonder[sic] around in sims reminds me of how chaotic it is in their head sometimes with everyone milling around."

Biblical Marriage-Slavery [Me]

Yesterday I happened to run across some passages in the Bible that could ever-so-easily be applied to my relationship with the Boss, if taken a certain way. Which is, of course, a key to reading things in the Bible. You can find almost any meaning you wish to, should you look at it in a certain light. So this is an exercise, not a religious experience. Still, it's interesting.

About the time that we became 'a thing', an actual couple (okay, triad), where I was staying at his house more often than at my own, I decided to shave my head. There were a number of reasons for the shaving, but I asked him to do 'the deed' for me. About that time, I ran across this in Deuteronomy:

Deuteronomy 21:11-14 - Easy-to-Read Version (ERV)11 You might see a beautiful woman among the captives who you want to be your wife. 12 You must then bring her into your house where she will shave her head and cut her nails. 13 She must change her clothes and take off the clothes she was wearing when she was captured in war. She will stay in your house and be sad about losing her father and her mother for a full month. After that you may go to her to be her husband, and she will be your wife. 14 If you are not pleased with her and choose to divorce her, set her free. You cannot sell her. You had sexual relations with her, so you must not treat her like a slave.

So he found me beautiful, brought me into his house, shaved my head - and I was nude at the time. And I pretty much stayed there since, and that's been many months. So according to Deuteronomy, it is as if he has married me. Oh, except for that being an enemy captive part that started it.

Okay, so I could have left at any time. But I stayed. A few months later, he pierced my ear and put in Cherish's slave ring, signifying that he took her specifically as his slave forever. Oh, and back to Deuteronomy:

Deuteronomy 15:16-17 - Easy-to-Read Version (ERV)16 “But one of your slaves might say to you, ‘I will not leave you.’ He might say this because he loves you and your family and because he has a good life with you. 17 Make this servant put his ear against your door and use a sharp tool to make a hole in his ear. This will show that he is your slave forever. You must do this even to the women slaves who want to stay with you.

We could have left, but we loved him and would not leave him. So he put a hole in our ear and made us his slave forever, according to the Bible. Well, except for where the first passage said he cannot treat me as a slave. Hmmm....

Okay, so this was just a momentary amusement. As a Christian, I do follow Biblical teachings, but from the New Testament. Jesus said that the Old Law is no more. Still, these passages serve as a reminder that this sort of slavery-marriage is a Judeo-Christian tradition. I wonder what other interesting passages I can find?

Who Am I? TRIGGER WARNING [Paul]

So M says I can write about myself here, and it'll be okay, because the people who read this will get it, and it's safe. I'll give it a try. I'm Paul, and this is my first blog post ever. I've decided to try to make myself a little bit more separate from the rest of the system, and try not to be so shy to everybody. So I made myself a separate profile on the kinky site last night, where I can have my own separate friends and stuff. And now I'm writing here. So I guess I'll tell my story - but M says I have to put a trigger warning because it could upset some people. So stop reading here if you have problems like that.

I showed up like a year ago in the Meronym system. And I think I frightened everyone, because I've got some scary memories in my head. The memories freak out M because they can't be memories of her own, so where the heck did I get them from? I don't know, but they are there. Most of them are from when I was little, like under 10 at least, and an 'Uncle' molested me. I don't know if it's someone that was actually related to me or not, but he's big and sweaty and fat and hairy. I don't guess I have to explain what I mean by he molested me - you don't need a play-by-play. But I never told my Mom or anything, because if I did he said he'd do the same thing to my baby brother. And I've gotta protect my brother, so I'll get through it.

Which gets really messed up, because now that I'm in M's body, there isn't really a baby brother, or an Uncle, or anything. I do have a mom; she's known in M's system as Cherish. And she could never stick up for me even if she knew something was going on. But I won't tell her, and neither will anyone else. So I've got this inside-my-memories world, and outside-in-M's-body world, and inside-the Meronym-system world. And they don't touch each other, except sometimes at night when I'm supposed to be sleeping.

In the Memory World, all that stuff continued until I was in High School, and then the Uncle stopped coming around. Mom said he would be gone for a long time and not come back - I think he went to prison or something. So I did protect my brother all that time, and he's safe. I'm sixteen in that world, and when I get out of school, I'm going to take care of my brother and my Mom and make sure nobody ever hurts them ever. Mom always asks if I'm going to have a girlfriend sometime, but everybody else has figured out that I like boys. I don't want to deal with that until I get out of school, though. I've got enough to deal with now.

So in the Meronym World, I'm a different age. I'm eleven most of the time. Me and Kiara argue sometimes, but we stick up for each other, too. Sometimes I have panic attacks, and she's really good about coming out to help me stay steady when that happens. I'm always scared of people, and she's not afraid of nothing. Cherish is my mom, here, too, but she's all sweet and nice and not tired and sick all the time here. I have a room all to myself, and I've got legos covering one entire wall and a huge castle built in my room with them.

In the outside, 'real' world - I'm not really convinced it's any more real than the others - I'm in a 37-year-old woman's body. I can't climb things, I can't run and play, I'm fat and slow and hurting. And the equipment's all wrong. But there's somebody to take care of me - M calls him Boss, here - and I'm starting to make some friends. But I can slide ages really easily. I kinda default to eleven, but I can slip real easy into eight or fourteen. Once I got as young as four, and once I got to sixteen. When I'm eight, I'm a lot more scared, and things hurt more easy. But fun things are a lot more fun, and I really like it when the Boss tells me I'm his boy and hangs out with me. When I get to fourteen, I've got a lot more confidence - I even can flirt and tease sometimes, if I don't get too embarrassed. I like playing games and figuring things out that might be kinda complicated. Boss says I'm really smart.

I'm starting to make some friends other than Boss in this world. There's a couple of guys that are a little like me; in a girl body but not really a girl. Neither of them are multiple, I don't think, but they seem to get me a little. Boss introduced me to another friend of his that's gay - and his friends. He's super friendly, and I think I could be friends with him. And there's a guy that I kind of have a crush on. He doesn't like kids, so I don't think he likes me, but he's at least been friendly, and I can pretend in my head that he likes me. Almost all these folks are into the kink stuff, but I'm not. I mean, sex, yeah, but not hurting each other.

Wow, so I didn't think I'd want to write much here, but I guess I did write a lot. Now I think maybe I said too much. But not many people will see it, I think, so I guess it's okay. Um, I guess if anyone wants to get to know me better, you can ask me questions here and M will tell me about them. So, bye.

Unfinished Pouting [Me]

I need to write; I know I do. But I'm having trouble putting any thoughts into a concrete form, so this may come out a bit scattered.

Kiara's upset. She cried last night, and pulled away from everyone. Then she locked the rest of us out and sat in the 'front' moping and angry, but still unable to do anything to deal with the hurting. She said she wanted to feel her feelings outside, not go to her room inside and feel them there. Okay, granted. But then she was also angry knowing that when she unlocked everything, we'd be talking about her (about us) with Boss, and she doesn't want it to be talked about (because she doesn't want to deal with it).

What's got her upset? For one thing, we saw Bear last night. And it was... awkward, stilted. We are so in love with him still. And I'm still convinced breaking off with him was the right thing to do. But it hurts to feel like it wasn't really even a big deal to him. Aside from that, she was having problems interacting with people yesterday. One of our friends was trying to be close and offer support - and it came off as looming and invading our personal space. Several other people were around that Kiara has some fondness for, and they were all busy talking and playing with other people.

Sam and Rubi aren't thrilled, either. We were on-call for work last night, so we were at a play party, but really not able to play - so they were all upset. There are a couple of people that Paul is interested in getting to know better, or has a crush on, and they were all there - and busy with other things/people. We tried to have Cherish out - she at least wouldn't be bored without someone to interact with, but with Boss busy, she was too afraid. We just couldn't get anyone out and comfortable for more than a few minutes. As soon as we got into a conversation, we'd switch, or someone would come into our circle or view and make us uncomfortable. So we drifted from one conversation to another, leaving them all half-finished behind us. And now we feel the weight of this unfinished stuff that we created and can't resolve.

So I'll let the pouting and angry run its course, and try to reconnect with those people I left things undone with. And maybe I'll say something to the looming friend; maybe they'll back off on their own when not so needy themselves. And Rubi and Sam will get to play at some point, and Cherish will get some time with her Master. Things will get better.

It's Coming... [Me]

Something is coming, some change. I'm not sure what it is, and avoiding worrying about it has kept me from blogging. Also, how do I write about something that I'm not sure what it is? There's a note on the internal whiteboard that some sort of internal reorganization may be underway. The last few times that's happened, we've increased in number. Isn't ten enough people to have in my head? Anyway, I haven't really heard any new voices, so maybe it's something else. I did see Kiara playing around a few weeks ago, moving around pieces of paper on the floor with everyone's names written on them; I don't know if that's related. But there are definitely symptoms of 'Change on the Horizon'.

Last weekend, I had a pretty bad breakdown. Sunday morning we went to a birthday party, but I really wasn't in any shape to be around people. There's work being done in our apartment, and it's been seriously interfering with my routines and peace of mind. I don't handle well having everything I own piled up haphazardly and having to sleep in another room. But there was no way we were going to miss the party, so I was trying to push on through. I got there, though, and just wasn't able to handle it. I ended up being sent upstairs to take a shower and put on fresh clothes, since I hadn't been able to shower at home that day because of the mess, and I was so messed up in the head that I had put on a dirty shirt instead of a clean one. I got upstairs, started the shower, and just collapsed, sobbing. Boss showed up a few minutes later to hold me and let me cry it out; then he put me into the shower and got me cleaned up. Sure enough, I felt a lot better once I was cleaned up and had had some 'poor me' time.

The week after was just fine, but this weekend, we had another issue. Friday night we went out to the dungeon as usual. I knew it was going to be a bit of  weird night; the Bear was going to be there. And the friend running the night's activities is moving out of town; this would be his last time there. And someone would be there that has frequently excited Paul's attention - and Paul's not allowed out at the dungeon. On the way to the club, Kiara popped up internally asking about the Bear and the friend that's moving. And she was being really difficult and pouty about both situations. To the point we had to make her 'go to her room'. So I expected it to be a touchy evening. I knew the Boss would play with me and help me stay sorted out. Yeah, well, that didn't go so well. I can't really say what happened, because I've lost that time, but it sounds like I just didn't respond normally, and then collapsed partway through, Silent One coming out in catatonic mode. Boss dealt with it as best he could, eventually getting Cherish to come out. He quickly got us home and to bed. The next morning, I was a little shaky, but mostly okay. And I had lost the time entirely. I remember supper that night, and I woke up in the morning, with maybe a couple of snippets of conversation that may or may not be valid. I hate losing time.


And this morning we had another episode of loss of control. Boss was stressed yesterday, and Lynn ended up coming out to comfort him, something that only happens rarely. But the day went fine. Sometime in the night, we were cuddling and stuff, and he triggered a reaction that we've purposely set up for play purposes. One that needs him to 'release' me from it when over. And we fell asleep before he released me. This morning, the alarm went off, and somehow I was co-conscious with Silent One. I was able to get up and shower and stuff as normal, but I couldn't speak, and Silent One was pawing at Boss to wake him, and reacting as it usually does to things going on. We were stuck both out together, and it was extremely uncomfortable. And alarming, since I had to go in to work very shortly. However, Boss figured out what was going on (even though I couldn't tell him), and managed to help us switch back around to me being out.


And that's when I saw the note on the internal message board that some internal reorganization is coming up. I'm not sure what that's going to be, as it hasn't sorted itself out yet. 

Breakup Reactions [Me]

With the breakup (see my last post), there has been some fallout. The decision was made and communicated on Monday night. I wasn't surprised when there was no reaction from the system on Monday night. We didn't know how he would respond to my telling him we're done. And we needed that before we could take the next step. Tuesday morning he sent a (very) brief note that basically said 'okay, if that's what you want'. Tuesday during the day, actually, was fine. Because the only one of that's out at work is me. And although I wish I hadn't felt like I had to end things, it was the right decision. And because it's been coming for so long, I don't really have a big reaction to it. It's not because the end of the relationship isn't important to me; it very much is. But I've been reacting; for several months.

However, the rest of the system had simply put the relationship 'on hold'. They are used to putting things on hold - for instance, when I'm at work. I could tell when the information got disseminated on Tuesday afternoon, though. As I was pulling out of the parking lot from work, tears started welling up in my eyes. There wasn't any emotion attached to them - at least not from me. And it got really loud in my head for a few minutes, which means I started feeling some leaked emotions. Not a comfortable thing. So I asked for help. I asked Sam to just take over for a few hours and get some errands done that had to be completed before I had time to fall apart. Because it was obvious there was going to be some falling apart.

And here's where being a multiple comes in really handy. Sam came out and functioned like a relatively normal, not-too-unhappy, functioning person. In fact, she was really productive and successful. No emotional breakdowns. After all, for her he was just an occasional playmate, who usually rocketed straight to Rubi and didn't entertain her long at all. So Sam was the only one really functioning for several hours. Thank you, Sam.

When we got home... honestly I don't remember getting home. The next thing I remember is watching my bedroom door open, and the Boss coming in, to see Kiara sitting on the floor with torn bits of paper all over the place. Someone had apparently started packing up everything that made us think about the Bear, and she had started ripping up a storybook about a bear. She was crying and snotty and needed hugging. And of course she got it. She was in and out for the rest of the evening, very sniffly and quiet and sad. It's terrible to see such a normally happy child so reserved. But she needed to process the pain and confusion of losing a relationship. Cherish was also in and out all evening, mostly as a balance to Kiara's emotion. She cleaned up the mess the kid made and put away all the offending belongings.

So the next reaction I'm waiting for is Rubi. The Bear has, in many ways, been Rubi's particular partner over and above anyone else. He played us at a level only she can take, of all of us. And he relished dragging her pain out of her until she couldn't fight him any more. She's had a few small reactions - handled with lots of sex and a little self-sacrifice by the Boss. But she hasn't been fully out, and I know there's going to be more, and I'm kind of worried that it hasn't hit yet. I've scheduled a session with someone that Rubi's played with before, tomorrow night. I'm hoping it gives her some catharsis. We need someone to hurt her before she hurts someone.