Breakup Reactions [Me]

With the breakup (see my last post), there has been some fallout. The decision was made and communicated on Monday night. I wasn't surprised when there was no reaction from the system on Monday night. We didn't know how he would respond to my telling him we're done. And we needed that before we could take the next step. Tuesday morning he sent a (very) brief note that basically said 'okay, if that's what you want'. Tuesday during the day, actually, was fine. Because the only one of that's out at work is me. And although I wish I hadn't felt like I had to end things, it was the right decision. And because it's been coming for so long, I don't really have a big reaction to it. It's not because the end of the relationship isn't important to me; it very much is. But I've been reacting; for several months.

However, the rest of the system had simply put the relationship 'on hold'. They are used to putting things on hold - for instance, when I'm at work. I could tell when the information got disseminated on Tuesday afternoon, though. As I was pulling out of the parking lot from work, tears started welling up in my eyes. There wasn't any emotion attached to them - at least not from me. And it got really loud in my head for a few minutes, which means I started feeling some leaked emotions. Not a comfortable thing. So I asked for help. I asked Sam to just take over for a few hours and get some errands done that had to be completed before I had time to fall apart. Because it was obvious there was going to be some falling apart.

And here's where being a multiple comes in really handy. Sam came out and functioned like a relatively normal, not-too-unhappy, functioning person. In fact, she was really productive and successful. No emotional breakdowns. After all, for her he was just an occasional playmate, who usually rocketed straight to Rubi and didn't entertain her long at all. So Sam was the only one really functioning for several hours. Thank you, Sam.

When we got home... honestly I don't remember getting home. The next thing I remember is watching my bedroom door open, and the Boss coming in, to see Kiara sitting on the floor with torn bits of paper all over the place. Someone had apparently started packing up everything that made us think about the Bear, and she had started ripping up a storybook about a bear. She was crying and snotty and needed hugging. And of course she got it. She was in and out for the rest of the evening, very sniffly and quiet and sad. It's terrible to see such a normally happy child so reserved. But she needed to process the pain and confusion of losing a relationship. Cherish was also in and out all evening, mostly as a balance to Kiara's emotion. She cleaned up the mess the kid made and put away all the offending belongings.

So the next reaction I'm waiting for is Rubi. The Bear has, in many ways, been Rubi's particular partner over and above anyone else. He played us at a level only she can take, of all of us. And he relished dragging her pain out of her until she couldn't fight him any more. She's had a few small reactions - handled with lots of sex and a little self-sacrifice by the Boss. But she hasn't been fully out, and I know there's going to be more, and I'm kind of worried that it hasn't hit yet. I've scheduled a session with someone that Rubi's played with before, tomorrow night. I'm hoping it gives her some catharsis. We need someone to hurt her before she hurts someone.