Littles' Party

No more posts recently because we've been completely unhappy. Relationships are falling apart; Boss lost his job; we've all been sick; I have both a tooth extraction and a root canal coming up. I don't know what's happening or going to happen. So I'll try to write about just the multiplicity part.

Since about Christmas, I've been sick. I call it my 'Yearly Ick', because I get it around the holidays each year.When I'm sick, nobody wants to come out in the body. When I'm fighting with Boss, nobody wants to come out and be around him. So I've been very much alone in the body for weeks now. In the last week or so, I've finally started to feel healthy enough that some alters will sneak out for short bursts. I have a video game on my tablet that Paul seems to like a lot. Kiara's got new toys since Christmas, as well as a new mattress in their room upstairs. So she's been out some. Sam came out just long enough to tease MK about something - poorly, because he didn't know it was her and it was about a sensitive subject - which lead to me having to offer an apology. She really doesn't know how to interact with him well.

But last night there was a Littles' Party at the club, and Kiara was definitely excited about it. All week, she's been coming out closer and closer to the front, letting me know what she planned to wear and what she wanted to take with her. When both MK and Boss indicated they'd like to go, well... new fighting, but it was resolved. So we all went. And almost had no kids at all.

The party hostess for the night is someone that seems to really want to be bestest friends with each of my alters and each of Boss's. However, most of us really just don't like her. She tries too hard. It feels like she wants to be friends with us just to be able to say, "Well, I'm close friends with several multiples, and..." So as we came in the door, all as our primary selves, carrying bags and needing to check in, she off and greets our littles by name, Kiara and Boss's little too. Since neither of them were out, but were all excited inside because they new they were coming to a party, it was really triggery. Kiara almost refused to come out at all at that point. I knew that wouldn't last, so we just got dressed in her clothes and let her calm down. But Boss's little is pretty shy anyway, so I knew that would be bad for him. Either way, everyone managed to have a low-key good time and play some.

Roof Woes [Me]

And cue new depression. On top of everything else, I still have a house I'm trying to sell. It's been up for sell for over four months. It's a fixer-upper; there are things that need repaired. And it's priced to reflect that. The tub needs covered/replaced, paint and carpet need done. But now the roof is leaking. It looks like I'm going to be paying for a roof before I'm able to sell the house. And I'm so broke. I assume I'm looking at 5 or 6 thousand dollars, which means a loan. It's really upsetting me, mostly because I feel so helpless.

I want to just switch out and let someone else be out, someone that isn't responsible for thinking about the house. One of the kids, or whoever it is that keeps wanting to hide in the closet. But I'm also working. I have to stay out and do my job and fight off the upset helplessness.

Pissed Off beats Pissed On [Me]

You know what pushes back depression for me? Being pissed off at whatever I was depressed about. It doesn't stop the sadness, but it sure pushes it out of the way for a while.

The current target of my depression-turned-to-anger is MK. Lately he's been willing to have conversation with Boss and Metamour, but when I try to engage him, I get a quick monosyllable and he retreats to his room. Date Night last week didn't happen, because he worked late and then didn't want to be around anybody when he did make it home. This has been going on for about two weeks now. I stopped him and called him on it once; his defense is that work is really stressful right now and his coworker is keeping him upset. But I'm not buying it; why, then, is he pushing away the one person who wants to help him feel better and wants more than anything just to be around him? And why is he okay chatting with everyone in the house except me? I spent about a week and half being sad and unhappy and flinching when he accelerated past me without even acknowledging me.

I've tried speaking to him; I've sent him texts and Facebook messages. He's mostly ignoring those, too, except the ones I send repeatedly, insisting on an answer. And then it's monosyllabic. One issue is parking at our house. Some recent events have resulted in all the vehicles being in different spots than usual. I asked him for a discussion about it. No response at all. I suggested a solution, and got back something like, "No, don't do it. I'll fix things eventually." Not good enough. I asked a question about that. No response. So I gave up and enacted my solution because I couldn't get him to discuss it with me and things were in the way and needed dealt with. He waited until I was at work, and rearranged things back to being in the way. So I'm pissed off that he won't discuss it with me, and won't leave my solution alone, and things are still in the way.

But you know what? Being pissed off doesn't feel nearly as bad as being sad and hurt that I'm being ignored. So I'll try to maintain it a while.

And you know who does pissed off well? Rubi. And she just doesn't care if he ignores her. Not that she'd admit, at least. So if it seems like Rubi's out a little more for a while, it's MK's fault. Enjoy.

Catching Up [Me]

I want to write more, but things keep coming up, and I'm too busy to have a few minutes. Or am I just procrastinating dealing with it because there are easier happier things to deal with first?

We're still dealing with my father's death. This weekend we went out of town to pick up some of his stuff from his wife. It was a really annoying weekend; she didn't have things ready and kept putting us off. We were all sick or injured - Boss and my daughter went with me - and I'm still feeling crappy health-wise. There was no sleeping, since an impromptu party sprung up at the house in which we were staying. I made several fails in my planning and time and money management for the weekend. The club we visited while down there had a power outage. It was just a stressful trip. But it was also fun. When you reach a certain level of 'fail', you just throw up your hands and give up on anything planned. We reached that point and then just worried about enjoying each others' company. So we had fun, just didn't accomplish much of what we set out to do. Or what I set out to do, at least. And there's still things going on.

I'm definitely feeling stressed and depressed. Unfortunately, in trying to help me deal with that, my family made it worse last night. I really needed to get some things done and then have some time not with anyone else. I already have a tendency, when I come home, to need a few minutes to get settled in without anyone making any demands on me. But last night was like a magnification of that. Everyone seemed to want to talk to me or create something I needed to interrupt what I was doing to deal with. I know the idea was to support me and comfort me and tell me I didn't have to work on stuff right then. But I needed the stuff done so I could relax, and I needed left alone to get the stuff done. It was an ugly spiral, and I'm still really stressed about it. I got up early this morning just to have some time where no one would talk to me.

And I'm teaching this afternoon. I've got to be all happy and authoritative and friendly. When really I just want to curl up in my cave and read a book.

I made a cave in my closet with some pillows and a book and a light. I'm finding I need a retreat spot a lot lately. I think there's a new alter that needs it. Either a new alter, or an evolution of Silent One, since there are some similarities, and I don't 'see' Silent One anywhere. This one's human, at least, but I think somewhat feral. And non-verbal. At least this one's need to hide in the back of the closet is easier to deal with than some of Silent One's behaviors, or even those of the kids sometimes.

It seems that Paul's system has reorganized a bit. It started a while back, when Baby Paul Age 2 and Baby Paul Age 5 apparently merged into Baby Paul Age 3. Now Paul Age 8 and Paul Age 11 seem to have merged into Paul, age 9 or 10 maybe? So we have Big Paul (14), Middle Paul (9-10), and Baby Paul (3). I think that's easier to deal with? I don't know what it means, that he's consolidating. I know his Age 2, 5, 8, 11, and 14 choices had to do with the age he was when certain events happened in his 'other world life'. Maybe going to new ages means he's attaching himself to this world and this life more than the other one? He's trying to figure out how to relate to Boss more/better. And Boss is trying very hard not to pressure him and to make it easy for him.

I haven't had a whiff of Cherish or Stephanie or the original Silent One in many weeks, or even Gracelyn. I don't know what that means. Are they gone? Are they just not needed right now? It's like the lights are off inside, and I can't tell what's going on. Even Rubi's mostly missing. I could really use her right now. I'm having lots of quick anger, which isn't normal for me. That's usually her arena. But she can't top, because I've torn some muscle in my arm. And she can't bottom heavily, because we slipped a disk in my back. She tries not to come out and be around Boss much because her behavior is detrimental to our attempt for him to be dominant over my system. So she has no outlet, and I think her anger is 'leaking' out to me.

The only alters that seems reasonably normal are Kiara and Sam. Sam pops out for quick moments, as she's always done, and Kiara comes out when she wants to and is very strong, then stays away when she wants. She's not as happy as she used to be, and hasn't been for months, but she's very strong. Now that my daughter is living back in town, I know that's pleased Kiara a lot, but they haven't spent much time together, even so.

Now Drugged for Your Protection... [Me]

My mood swings have been improving lately. I asked the doctor to set me up on some anxiety meds to calm me down. He put me on Vistaril, which is anti-anxiety, anti-psychotic, and oddly enough, antihistamine. It's actually helping more than I anticipated, though of course I wonder how much of that is because I was told it would work. The anger flashes are still happening, but more rarely, and of much less intensity. The depression and sadness are still there, but I feel a little bit removed from them. They don't seem to be as all-consuming. So that's good.

The major side effect is that I get horribly sleepy after taking it - sometimes. Some nights thirty minutes after I take it, and some nights a couple of hours after taking it. Some nights I haven't seen any problem. But I get drugged-sleepy, like nearly walking into walls sleepy. Last week, it hit me hard on date night with MK, and all I could do was go to bed. He laid nearby with me, but that was the whole date. Wow, excitement...

I was worried that it would affect my switching about. All drugs, as well as stress, seem to affect my switching about. And I'm switching less, but I am switching, and I can mostly control it. So I don't think I've 'lost' anyone, or dropped the ability to deal with my multiplicity because of the drugs. Honestly, I see the less switching as more a progression from how I was doing before finding out my dad was dying.

So I'm hoping the drowsiness will pass as I get more used to the drug. I am enjoying the deeper sleep at night, but I feel like I need a little extra time to sleep. So in theory, bedtime is earlier. We'll see if I can do it.

---

Dad went back to the hospital yesterday. It worried me; I had this flash of panic that 'this is it'. But this time it was complications from one of the meds he's on.

My daughter still hasn't been able to get free to go see him and say goodbye. I'm worried how she'll take it if she doesn't see him before it happens. She has the potential for a lot of guilt for not doing the right thing. And even though she hasn't ever been close to him, his dying will hurt her a lot more than it will me. She just feels more than I do, it seems.

I talked to Dad's wife before and after the ER trip yesterday. I ended up playing counselor for her, because she's struggling to do the right thing for Dad, to make the decisions with him and how he wants them. But his family (my family) is resisting her. She feels a lot of antagonism from them, specifically from one of my aunts. And I keep telling her to let that go, don't engage, and deal with this for Dad. The problem is, she deserves the resistance. Yes, the aunt in question can be overbearing and is known for marginalizing the spouses of her siblings, but the wife is pretty antagonistic and poisonous, too. For the last fifteen-plus years, I've avoided getting close to my dad because of his wife's venom. But he's dying, and I'll put up with her for his sake until he's gone. So here I am, playing counselor for this woman I don't like, trying to encourage her to get along with everyone for his sake.

How come I have to be the grown-up in this case? Yes, my aunt is losing her brother, and the wife is losing her husband. I'm losing my Daddy, too, you know.

Uncharacteristic Flashes of Anger

I'm struggling this week, more than last week. I'm definitely fighting off being depressed. And this time, it's coming in delightful little bursts of sarcasm and anger (that 'delightful' was sarcastic, if you didn't catch it). I'm getting flashes of being irrationally angry at people. And along with the anger comes a biting bitchy remark in my head that I'm just barely keeping from letting out my mouth. It would be acceptable if the target of said angry remarks deserved it, but that hasn't been true. It'll be something simple, like someone saying 'excuse me' to pass me in the hall, and I'll hear, loud and clear in my head, "Well if you weren't travelling down the WRONG side of the hallway, then it wouldn't be MY PROBLEM to get out of your FUCKING way!" It just totally out of proportion to whatever the micro-offense might be.

So I'm working hard to contain these flashes of anger, because they aren't justified, and they're about me, not about whoever I'm angry at. Oh, and I want to get angry at someone. I want to have a screaming, in-your-face, breaking plates and throwing things against the wall kind of fight with someone. Except the someones that are most likely the targets for a big fight are people that haven't done anything to make me angry; in fact they've tried to help me feel better.

At first I thought the anger was Rubi's. Anger is usually her emotion; she's a frothing pit of teenage anger. But it's not her; she's doing just fine. No, this is my anger.

The only thing I feel like I can potentially legitimately blame it on is that my father is dying. I'm not exactly sad about this. I mean I am, but it's not crippling sadness. He's been more or less out of my life for twenty years. It's a shame he and I didn't get to be friends again before he turned out to have deadly cancer in his brain. But it's not really going to change much in my day-to-day life. So I have trouble being really sad about it, except in little bursts when I'm actually thinking about it. Like now, because I'm writing about it.

So what else can I be depressed and angry about? Work's going great. I feel capable and appreciated and well-paid and encouraged. Best job I've ever had. My kink-teaching is going great, too. We just taught a Blade Play class and I'm teaching Dungeon 101 tonight. I've also submitted to teach at two cons this fall, the same ones I taught at last year. Soon it'll be time to start looking at teaching Pro101 again. Money's tight, but that's nothing new - and I can see a potential light at the end of the tunnel now that the old house is on the market. There's still a lot we need to find time to do on the house, but it's no longer an overwhelming amount. Just a few hours should do it.

The only place where things aren't all hopeful and nice are relationships. I knew all of us moving in together would require some adjustment. And it still is doing so. I don't get to spend much more time with MK than before he moved in. But I really love getting to just touch him or give him a quick hug as we all pass by going in and out. I know he's either depressed or kinda sick right now, but I don't know what I can do to help him. Boss is also in a pretty needy place right now. He needs me to be all touchy-feely-sexy with him and comfort him and reassure him that, even though my other boyfriend is in the house, he's still all-important and needed by me. But I'm so far from touchy-feely-sexy right now. I feel a huge aversion to touch right now, especially sexual touch, which is unusual for me, as is the anger. I need hugs and pats and then to be left alone at arm's reach. Which translates to Boss as 'Fine, I touched you. Now leave me alone.' But what I mean is, 'Here's a touch; it's all I can handle, and I want it to go to you.'

I am committed to both of my guys. I want the four of us (don't forget the Metamour!) to be together five years from now, ten years from now. But today, I really wish I lived by myself, so I could pout and mope and be miserable without anyone else around. And then I could scream and throw things against the wall until I felt better.

Big Things Happening [Me]

I'm being poked at to blog. Because I haven't. Because I have too much to say. Today may be a bad day for it, because I'm fighting off a 'depressed'. I'm really in need of some non-sexual skin-contact cuddling and petting. Just comfort, really. I think it's because I am just overwhelmed with so many things that I need to do and get done.

Let's see, the little stuff first.

My birthday was last week, and Kiara/Paul's is next week. The body was born February 26, and all the adults in the system are fine claiming that as their birthday. Kiara claims March 11 as her birthday, and invited Paul to share it, so the kids have their own birthday, two weeks after mine.

The 2nd anniversary of my collaring to Boss was last week, also. We didn't celebrate quite the way we intended. We were going to do a scene with needles (yuck) the Saturday before, but we were waiting for late in the evening. So early in the evening, Kiara asked Boss for a little spanking. It started out well, but he thought she had switched out and escalated. She hadn't switched out, so she ended up mad at him, and put us both off-balance. We didn't recover from it that evening, so we just went home early. We did make up the scene the next weekend.

My work's being a little crazy. They fired 17 people all at once about a month ago. I was part of a two-person helpdesk, and the other person was one of the Seventeen. So I'm now on-call 24/7 as the only person on the Helpdesk, and I'm scrambling a little trying to figure out some of the things that the other girl did and I don't really know how to do. We're still fiddling with how things work now, so there's some unsureness going on there.

My daughter passed through town going to a conference, and will be coming back through on Sunday headed back. This is good, but extra hassle trying to figure scheduling and sleeping arrangements and such.

I've been having a lot of doctor-health-stuff lately, as you probably read in earlier blogs. Which also means extra money issues. I got billed an extra $400 for the liver biopsy over and above what they told me. I went back to the gastroenterologist to get HepA & B vaccinations, and soon will be going to an hematologist to have blood drawn regularly to get my ferritin levels down.

And the big stuff. We're moving. We found a house that we all four like. Yeah, that's great stuff, not depressing stuff. But what comes along with it are money stresses (as we pay for three places to live for the next month), lists of things to do, packing & unpacking, getting utilities transferred and movers booked, and all other kinds of stuff to make it happen. So I'm excited, but flooded with Stuff To Do. And of course, because I am who I am, I feel like every little piece of it is my responsibility. Even though there are three other adults involved.

And because I'm feeling overwhelmed and  a bit depressed, my mind is attributing motivations to other people's actions that are probably completely made up. Like MK has cancelled on a couple of nights to come over and hang out. I feel like he's avoiding me, right when I really need some cuddling. Of course, the logical part of my brain mentions the fact that he's probably really really busy at work, as evidenced by his getting home from work at like 8pm each night. I know, because that's when he's texting me that he just got home and doesn't feel like coming over. But yeah, feels like he's just not interested - because I'm stressed - not his fault.

So yeah, lots of good things happening, but just stressed out about it all. Birthdays (one down and one more to go). Anniversaries (we beat the two-year expiration point!). Work (I'm the one who stayed, not the one who got fired). Getting to see the Girl - twice! Health stuff - no hemochromatosis. Found a house to live together (lots of stuff to do).

The Mental Illness Happy Hour [Me]

Just a few minutes ago, I was looking around at my desk saying, "Okay, what's next?" And I realized, there's nothing that NEEDS to be next. I took a moment to just realize that. It's been weeks since I was close enough to caught up to be at that place, where sure, there are things to do, but nothing that I really need to do before the other things that I could be doing. I was stuck for a moment. I've been so caught up in being busy lately that I didn't know what to do. So I came here. I miss blogging so much. I certainly feel mentally healthier when I come here and write about what's going on with me. And finally my blog ended up at the top of my to-do list for a moment!

One of the things that have been taking time away from blogging is mentalpod.com - The Mental Illness Happy Hour. One of the people that came to my kink class for healthcare professionals recommended it to me. Twice. So I made a point of checking it out. I finished listening to my first podcast today - first of any kind; I don't know anything about this world of podcasting. It's very hard for me to listen and pay attention without something visual; I suspect I won't keep up with it very well. But I also went over to the forums and signed up. I described myself as a kink educator, and didn't say anything about being multiple. Maybe I'll get around to addressing it from that side of things as well. And I wrote the podcaster and offered to be a resource for him, maybe a guest blogger. I also read some of the blogs and guest blogs on there, and I wanted to share one or two here.

Here's one - a very positive self-assessment about Living With Mental Illness. I try to have this sort of outlook, and I appreciate Andrea sharing it. The other is by the podcaster, Paul, and it's about depression -The Power of Shame & Secrets. I love this intro:

I’m in a funk.   I don’t want help.    I don’t want the healthy solution.   I want the unhealthy distraction.
I want some fucking excitement.
I’m sad.   Not suicidal.   Just flat.   Nebraska flat.

I know how he feels. This is what I feel when I'm shaking into or out of a depression. Flat, bland, bored with myself and my feelings. I just want to feel. And that flat feeling can last for a long time, and it crops up again all the time. And every time, it makes me afraid that a depression is coming. But not too afraid, because I'm feeling too flat to care all that much.

It shows up in my sexual emotions first, I think. At least where people outside my head can see it. In the middle of sex, I'll be feeling kind of "Well, here I am. I guess this is fun, but if I were sleeping instead, that would be fine." Even more so as my partner is trying to arouse me, to interest me in sex. When I'm not flat, I'll initiate sometimes, but I'll usually wait for them to do so. When I get all flat, it's almost impossible to get myself feeling excited until the sex is actually happening. I've been there the last few days. I'm not depressed, but I'm not excited; I'm just a little flat. Sorry, Boss; please keep trying. I'll catch up to you soon, I hope.

The Numb Kind [Me]

Still dealing with depression. Not during the day. No, during the day I push through and fake it well enough to function just fine. At supper time the tension starts building. I go to bed hopeful things will be okay this night, and then Boss comes to bed. And one or the other of us - or both - will take exception to something the other says, or doesn't say, or did, or didn't do. And then we have a big fight. Again. We're both spiraling down, and dragging the other with us.

I hate this. I just feel numb about everything. I feel like I'm dragging my feet through life, waiting for things to get better. I can't get really happy about anything. We went to the club last night and played, and even though I got a really heavy buzz from the scene, I still wasn't Happy about it. I was, at best, pleasant. I don't want pleasant; I want giddy and silly and horny and laughing. The best I seem to be able to do is pleasant.

I can get the negative feelings to show up. Kind of. When the fighting starts, I vacillate between hurt and numb. There's some guilty - thanks to guilt trip behavior. There's some hurt for his hurting, and some feeling that it isn't fair. But mostly it's a sense of resigning to the fact that yes, we're going to fight again. And I participate until I'm sure it's going nowhere good, and then the numbness covers me up and I just give up. I can't even hold a good mad. And the hurt only kicks in when it becomes enough to overwhelm the numbness. So I'm left crying and hurting and needing compassion.

Needless to say, my sex drive is kaput. So that gives us something more to fight about. I want to be horny, but yeah, isn't happening. My sleep is suffering, obviously. Notice I'm out here typing at 11pm, knowing I have to get up in the morning for work. My concentration is pretty flighty; luckily I don't need a lot of it at work. Monday, it was a joke to think of actually getting anything done.

So I often kind of half joke and say that I've got a two-year expiration date. I just checked; I got serious with Boss two years ago next month. This month, in an hour. Some joke, huh?

Akhilandeshvari - Change, Fear, and Brokenness [Me]

I ran across this article from Facebook today - http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/06/why-being-broken-in-a-pile-on-your-bedroom-floor-is-a-good-idea-julie-jc-peters/. Go ahead and read it, or at least skim it; I'll wait.

I have certainly found myself lying broken in a pile on my bedroom floor - more than once. Usually it follows after weeks of trying to hold it together and be strong to deal with all the things I or we need to deal with. And I'll seesaw back and forth between 'holding it together' and 'falling apart', until I finally crash, completely and utterly, and hit the bottom of depression. There's crying and not talking and staring into space, maybe even throwing up and taking naps at weird times and eating binges. But I can't seem to get back up to a healthy point without that crash. When you're at the bottom, you can't go anywhere but up, right?

I've been floating up and down on that seesaw a lot lately. I'm not depressed, but I'm definitely not happy. I know it's stressing Boss out a lot, or his stress is stressing me out a lot. Whatever; it goes both ways. But I can't crash yet, because the problems causing the stress still exist. Some of them. There's money problems - but there are always money problems. Boss got a job, so that one's clear. But Boss and the boyfriend are still all cold shoulders to each other, and I can't seem to figure out a way to change that. My teaching is going excellently! But I'm putting in a lot of extra work on my classes. I'm not sleeping well, and my switching around seems to be kind of erratic. Boss and Paul have worked some things out, and that's really great. And I still own a house that I need to sell, and both our vehicles need to be traded in and replaced. So yeah, too much chaos to crash and restart yet. So I'm holding it together. Mostly.

So this goddess, Akhilandeshvari. She seems to be a multiple's patron goddess. Always change and chaos and brokenness. Harnessing fear and spinning it around to be strength. I love this line: "All the places where you’ve shattered can now reflect light and colour where there was none. Now is the time to become something new, to choose a new whole."

I searched the name of this goddess, and came up with a few more good articles. Every one of them was kicked off by reading that original article I just linked to you above.

The Holidays Are Always Hard [Me]

I think the holiday season is always hard for everyone. You've got to buy presents without enough money, schedule get-togethers without enough time, and visit all those relatives that you tend to avoid during the rest of the year. We're all stressed during the holidays, whether about money, time, relatives, or some awful combination of the above. Added to that, we hit the shortest days of the year, and the weather suddenly turns cold. It's dark and wet and dreary all the time. There's all kinds of work deadlines to catch up to, and now people pressure you to think about resolutions for next year. No wonder we're all cranky and depressed during the holidays.

Over the last dozen holiday seasons, I spent seven or eight of them working on a stage version of A Christmas Carol. Which means from the beginning of October until mid-December, I was Christmassing very hard. By the time the show closed and the actual holiday came about, I just wanted it to be over. The other years, well, I was still a single mom with a little girl to buy presents for - money stresses and trying not to fight with her father over scheduling ruled a lot of my holidays.

The last couple of years, I was driving back-and-forth up to Kentucky to get my daughter, move her out of her dorm, visit my parents, move her back in the dorm, and try to help everyone get everywhere they were supposed to be. Not only did I not have the money for presents, but I needed to buy lots of gas, too! Add to that, every year I tend to get really sick either on Thanksgiving Day or Christmas Day - like, can't open presents or get out of bed long enough to eat a meal kind of sick. So health and money have been major stressors.

This year, things weren't so bad. The new job means I have more cash than I'm accustomed to, so early in the season, I spent some quiet hours at work buying presents. The real trick was saving them for Christmas instead of giving them out immediately. So my money situation is much, much better than usual. And my fantastic daughter managed her own ride from her dorm to home, and she didn't have to move out-and-in her  dorm, so that saved me a couple of days of driving and lots of gas money. We even have a scheme for getting her back that will combine with visiting family, and not as much driving as taking her back myself.

I didn't sign on for any big projects this year, either. No haunted house, no holiday plays, nothing. So I have the time and energy to visit and do things - and relax some, too. And we figured out one cause of the getting sick every year - I'm allergic to the cinnamon scent that's in all the Christmas potpourri and stuff. By buying my gifts online, I've avoided the stuff in stores that makes me sick every year.

So the only thing left from above is fighting with the ex. Well, the kid's an adult now, and she's finally starting to stand up for herself with him. Which means I'm not interacting with him at all. In fact, her boyfriend is supporting her in that more than I am. I'm pretty pleased with him; he seems to be a good guy.

So yeah, all the normal Christmas stress stuff is pretty okay for me this year. I haven't stressed much about it at all. The weather's been mild, and I've spent lots of time with the people who are actually important to me. And some time resting and relaxing. Not that we haven't had ANY issues. There's always something, isn't there? Boss is searching for a job; his could end at any time. The metamour has on-again, off-again health issues - but more good days than bad, lately, I think.

Kiara still seems to be mourning Bear. But we're headed to his house tonight for gaming, and we went to a Yule party at his house. We're trying to figure out how to relate with him now. And we'll get there. For now, Sam seems to be best at interacting with him. She was never that attached to him. But Kiara came out for presents on Christmas, and she got several.

Paul got several Christmas presents specifically for him, too. He's had some rough times working through how his system interacts with Boss lately, and we weren't sure he would even come to front for Christmas. But he did, and now he and Boss are starting to work things out again, carefully figuring out how things work.

Gracelyn also took a period of being missing. But not because she was upset; just because she didn't feel that she was all that needed. She's always been mostly background, sometimes moreso than others. Boss has been on vacation from his job, so she hasn't been out to drive to and from work with him, as we carpool. When we drive alone, it's usually me or Sam driving. Silent One has also been much quieter lately, but it did come out the other night, and it was a very calm event.

Stephanie is continuing to show up, and less likely to 'go blank', taking the body into a disconnected state. Cherish hasn't been out much, though. There's another slave to take some of her being. But when she is out, she has a lot more confidence, even a hint of a sense of humor. I'd like to see her out more.

Rubi has had a few opportunities for topping lately, and has had a couple of serious play sessions as a bottom. She doesn't seem to miss Bear as much as I expected, or maybe she's just biding her time? I feel like her complacency may be temporary, so I'd like to have her a regular play partner again. But it's probably a good thing, health-wise, that we aren't having as many heavy play scenes lately. And Sam's getting more play now, instead.

Finally, a Good Weekend [Me]

We've had a lot of really rough weekends lately. The change in schedule really messes with us. Particularly when the entire weekend is mostly unstructured. No particular time to wake up, to go out, to come home. All of these things put us on edge. Boss has been very jittery, as well, which makes us uneasy, trying to not make it worse. He's worried about his job, about his other girl, about me not handling the weekend well. And there's a lot of stress in the house worrying about my metamour, who has just come through some major oral surgery and may be headed for some gastro surgery if things work out well. That means she's been on different meds, which have messed with her sleeping and her scheduling and her mood (and thus ours). We've had dietary changes in the household while getting through that, with more to come.

So that means the last several weekends have involved some crashing, some depression, and some lost time. And fighting with Boss. But this weekend was NOT like that.

-----

Okay, I started writing this one a couple of weeks ago. And this last weekend has been - I think - the third good weekend in a row. We still haven't had any more structure, but I've handled it better recently. Of course, we're about to go into the holiday season, so it's time to take some deep breaths before each weekend and plan on having to handle typical holiday stress. We can do this.

Feeling Better [Me]

The depression seems to have been headed off. Last weekend I did get some really great playtime in, and Sunday we made some good progress on finishing the deck/storage building. It has a roof and walls complete. We need stairs to the deck part and a door on the storage part. We haven't had any major mental crashes since the weekend, and life is looking pretty rosy for the moment again.

I've talked to my daughter a couple of times, and I need to brag on her again. By the way, she's now starting to read my blog. I refuse to let that color what I write, but sometimes there's a twinge of related discomfort. But she's a big girl, and if she runs up on something she doesn't want to know about her momma, she'll skip over it. But the bragging. She was trying to come up with a topic for her group project in Psych 101 class, and she asked me if I was okay with her doing something on DID. Now, I thought that was cool. Not only that she wants to understand more about DID, but that she's aware enough to ask me if I was okay with that. So I sent her a whole bunch of links to information about DID, along with this blog address. Unfortunately, the teacher turned down her project proposal because DID isn't mentioned in her intro psych book - not even in the abnormal psych chapter. I'm thinking, hey, it's in the DSM-IV, shouldn't that be enough? But no, not this time. However, she decided to do a different project related to DID - she's looking at choreographing a dance about it. I love how creative she is, and how thoughtful she is in not only trying to understand us better, but in checking to be sure we're okay with it. When we talk on the phone, she almost always has a question about some preference one of the alters has or how some part of our system works.

I've been doing some more writing, or at least focusing a little more on writing I've already done. I'm really glad I threw all my writing into a blog, but a little nervous about some of the things on there. I can see people being greatly discomforted by some of it, even after the warning I start with. It's rough, or at least I see it as pretty harsh rough reading. But it's not like I'm twisting anyone's arm to read it. Paul even okay'd putting his original memory up there. I kind of hope he'll write some more.

Speaking of Paul - he seems to be back to normal, now. But last week he came out one day completely reset, without the memories of who he's been. It was very strange. Also last week, we had ordered for him a bootblack box - the kind with the little foot pedal on top, and it came in yesterday. But he was out last night and the night before back to his normal unruffled self.

Kiara's been out and less unhappy too. She got some new bitey-toys, some puppy pacifiers, that seem to be a hit. And we have orange push-pop ice cream in the house for her. A month ago or thereabouts, she was peeking in the freezer at the ice cream we have. There were fudge pops, that Paul likes, and ice cream sandwiches, that I like. And she looked very seriously at Boss and asked why don't we have ice cream for her. He told her he would get her some if she put it on the grocery list, and it just blew her mind. Somehow it had never occurred to her that she could put something on the grocery list just for her. So she did, and sure enough, we have push-pops now. She hasn't had any yet, but knowing we have them is pretty impressive to her.

Lately, I know I've been blogging a lot more about day-to-day events in my life than about the experience of being multiple. I know, it's a blog, and day-to-day is what a blog is about. But I also want to cover a lot more about the experience of being multiple. So, readers, if you have a suggested topic, let me know. Even better, go up to the tab above that says 'Who's Reading?' and tell me about yourself, and suggest topics there.

Seesaw Emotions [Me]

Last weekend was really rough. And Monday and Tuesday, I was still feeling pretty uncomfortable.

Tuesday night, we got together with someone who is new to recognizing that she's multiple, and new to exploring kink. And she had questions. My word, did she have questions. We spent two hours answering her questions, and she was very excited and sparkly in spirit. And we went home feeling very positive. At bedtime, Kiara was out and asked Boss to wrap her up in a sheet. She likes the comfort-feeling of bondage, whether rope or cloth or whatever. Rachel came out and tickled and teased and played with her a little, and we stayed wrapped up until we fell asleep.

So yesterday morning I woke up feeling a good bit better, feeling reasonably positive. We got one blog post written about being bald that's been on our 'ideas list' for a while, and got some ideas for some fiction writing detailed out a little bit more. So we were feeling pretty good. Work was pretty slow, and we read most of Hunger Games, and finished it. Kiara was out at suppertime and watched United States of Tara with Boss.

And then we went to bed, and fell apart again. To the point that Boss asked, this morning, why we were so upset with him. And we are upset with him, a little, but not really. We're upset. And that means that we're over-sensitive about things and get upset with him about stuff we normally wouldn't.

There's a lot of little things bothering me. We haven't had sex - not really - since the weekend. And since I pretty much lost the weekend, that means it's really been a while for me. I haven't had a good beating in nearly two weeks, and that always makes me jumpy. Sam's bored, which is not a good thing. And Rubi's been eyeing the scalpels again, about ready to entertain herself, since no one else is. Having both of the kids acting out is really stressful - Kiara used to be my destressor; her being unhappy really aches. I'm feeling rather un-useful at work. The deckwork at the house is incomplete and been sitting for over a week with no progress. The roof work is going to be an ordeal. I haven't gotten to really chat with my Mommy for a few weeks; we've been playing phone tag. With my metamour healing and grieving, and that making the Boss tense, I catch their tension and echo it. I have people that I care about and haven't been able to see in several weeks.

I am headed for a depression. I recognize that it's coming, and I hope I can head it off. Hopefully this weekend will have good play and fun sex and lot of socializing with people that are important to me. That will help.

And it's not as if there's nothing good going on in my life. Finally, for the first time in a very long time, I'm not terribly worried about money. I'm making more now where I am than my last job, and my spending has not quite caught up to that. My tenants are paying enough rent to make the house pay for itself. And even if something catastrophic happened, I'm not the only breadwinner in the household. I haven't had that - ever - in my adult life. And my daughter, oh my daughter makes me happy. I just got off the phone with her after a long chat. She's doing great at school and she's happy. She knows about my kink and poly and multiplicity, and she accepts them all happily. In fact, she wants to do a project at school about my being multiple, and asked if it was okay to take me as her example. I feel great about that, and I'm about to send her a lot of information. The educational classes I teach, Dungeon 101 and Kink 101, are doing well. Kink 101 is a new class that I've only taught once, but there are some opportunities on the horizon for them. I have been flirting with someone that could turn out to be a casual relationship for me. I would like that a lot. So there are good things going on. I just need to get past this depressive dip to enjoy them.

Weekend Blues [Me]

This weekend was pretty icky. Stress in the household seems to be contagious from one system to another. My metamour has been needing some major dental work for a long time now, and finally got it done recently. Well, because of that she's been on heavy antibiotics, which make her feel horrible. Worse, they mute the effect of her anti-seizure meds. And then added to that are some pretty strong pain meds for after the dental work. So she's drugged, feeling sick, recovering from surgery, and having seizures. Then her father died. So now she's depressed on top of all of that. Which means, yeah, she's having a horrible time of it lately. I feel so bad for her, and there's absolutely zilch I can do to make her feel better. I've basically tried to stay out of her way and not cause her extra stress. Oh, and I brought her cupcakes and doughnuts. Soft foods that she loves.

So she's feeling terrible, and Boss is really sensitive to picking up emotions and soaking them up like a sponge. Which is great when folks around him are doing well - he gets an instant pick-me-up for free! And it means he is very sensitive to recognize when something is wrong and try to help fix it. But when it's not fixable, it just weighs on him, heavier and heavier. There's also work stress, of course, but mostly he's worried about her and feels helpless to do anything. Which really tarnishes his White Knight helmet. So he's crabby and mopey. And since he's trying so hard not to be crabby and mopey with her, some of it leaks out with me. So he's been pretty authoritarian and a bit snappish. I understand why he is, and I try to let it wash over, but I still get some hurt feelings over it.

Which means now I'm all grouchy and pouty. And the three of us are there together trying not to offend one another and still get our needs met without interfering with anyone else. It's tough. And it's no one's fault; we just have to get through this time. I'm trying not to be needy and demanding of Boss's attention, because he's worn out trying to attend to the Metamour. She's just trying to get through the day without losing it, and he's trying to take care of both of us and his work. Yes, our apartment is now carpeted with metaphysical eggshells.

So, this weekend. Friday night there was a private party at the club, and I decided not to go. So I was pretty much at home. Now, I'm not a stay-at-home kind of person. Too much time at home and I get antsy. Especially when it's dark and we have to be quiet, because we're trying to let the Metamour sleep as much as possible to get through the drugs and healing. And the animals have picked up on the stress and are acting out, so it's kind of not smelling so good lately - and that means my allergies are making me crabby too. So I'm home on Friday, and it's fine. Saturday, I somehow didn't make any plans, so we slept in.

I got 'done' sleeping long before Boss did, and got on the computer. Kiara ended up watching Glee, a show that she just loves. However, this was the big break-up episode, which ends with all the relationships on the rocks and everyone unhappy. Kiara still hasn't really processed the whole breaking-up with Bear thing. So she got all uneasy and sad, so she went and woke up her Issi to make her feel better. She ended up nestled in his arms, just crying softly. And he didn't have the energy to deal with that at the time, so it never really felt 'done'. Okay, no biggie, we'll deal with it. Someone else came out at some point, and we got up.

And then a friend got invited over for dinner. Boss wanted to cook dinner and clean up a bit - perfectly reasonable. But he didn't ask, he snapped orders about the cleaning up, and when we asked him for clarification, he bit off a 'because I'm the boss' kind of response instead of letting there be a discussion. So our feelings were hurt, and then he was upset because we were upset, and you know how that wheel turns, right? Everybody's upset and doesn't want to be, and there's no time to deal with it, so it waits.

But, it was Saturday night - time for the club! Now, I tend to count on going to the club and getting a good beating on one of the weekend nights each week, and I really need that regular stress relief. But this week, I had something planned that was going to push that till later; I was teaching a new person some of the basics. I recruited Boss to help me, and we actually had a really good teaching session. But as soon as it was over, he crashed. Crashed hard; like I wasn't sure I was going to be able to get him to the car and home. I went into full caretaker mode, and his mental merry-go-round spun pretty freely as I whisked him off home and to bed. Crisis handled. But no beating for me this weekend.

Sunday we still didn't have plans. And I'd been home for too long at this point. Between stress and needing a beating and arguments left unsettled and Kiara being upset and the apartment being dark & smelly... well, I was becoming a mess. I knew if I stayed at home all day, I was going to get really needy and demanding on the Boss's energy - energy he didn't have. So I exited. The truck needed cleaned out, so I headed out for the car wash. I was really fuzzy, and probably shouldn't have been driving, I'll admit in retrospect. And three of four hours later, I made it back home. I know what I did - I did the car wash thing, and a trip to Kmart, and ate lunch. Lunch helped a lot; I started clearing up after I ate. But I got fuzzy again by the time I got home.

When I got there, the screen was open, there were lights on, and cleaning was in progress. We set up fans to blow some fresh air through the house, and it was much more pleasant. After a while, I retreated to the bathtub for the evening, and then later asked to be tied up somewhat while I read in bed. Being tied up tends to center me and calm me down; I was hoping it would help. If not, my next resort was some cutting - Rubi has some new razors that she's looking forward to using. But I just didn't feel like having to deal with that. Luckily, the rope helped. When I woke up this morning, things are better. I'm back to my regular during-the-week schedule, and I'm planning on some play this weekend. I just have to get that far down the calendar.

Now the good thing is that, with the weekend being kind of stressful and unpleasant and fuzzy, I really can just barely remember as much as I've written here. Sometimes losing time is a good thing. The bad thing that goes with that is that I basically get two work-weeks in a row. Ugh. Looking forward to this weekend.

Tender but Healing [Me]

Last night, the Boss told me I seemed... calm. Content, pleased, serene. Not tense and sad, as I've been for the last couple of weeks. And he is right. I seem to be 'over it'. Not that I no longer care about the things which have been hurting me, but just that I have found a peace about them. I'm okay. I find this is a normal cycle for me. It goes along with the Depression Cycle that I recognize in myself, but doesn't go as deep, because there's a recognizable cause and effect involved.

Stage One - When I hurt over something (and that's almost always someone), I hurt intensely. I wallow in the feeling, getting all the suffering out of it and into my system. I dredge up every little pain and examine it, making sure I feel all the pain it has to give me. At this point, I need to cry; I need to be furious; I need to feel it all the way.

Stage Two - I let the pain sit and process. I'm quiet and sad about it for a while, and have a sense of the inescapable nature of pain in life. Nothing is going to help me get through this process, I just have to suffer lightly for awhile. I feel like there's no way to avoid it, and the world is never going to have light in it again. But I know I will feel better if I can just wait it out. There's no way to help me at this point - it just has to process. Sympathy and touch remind me that it will get better.

And then I need a catharsis point. Something to hit the reset button. Often, that's a heavy beating, something to make me scream and cry - one that takes a few days to heal from. The ongoing pain annoys me, distracts me from whatever was making me hurt. The catharsis can also be some other change of pace - getting out of town, a project that suddenly comes up and take all my attention, just something that kicks me out of my rut for a few days and keeps me from focusing on whatever I'm upset about. Last weekend, I got a heavy beating that left scabbing on my back, made it tender and achy and itchy all week.

Then I rebound. I feel better, cleaner, ready to move on. And I'm there now. I miss the Bear, and seeing him as a friend will still be awkward for a while. I love him, and not being his makes me sad, wistful. But I know I'll be okay at this point. I can get on with things. The scabs are falling off my back, and it's only a little tender now. My back, and my soul.

Who Chose This - Reaction [Me]

This is what happens when I read other multiples' blogs. I have to react to them. Here. Which is a good thing, since I haven't been blogging lately. I've been way too busy to sit down that long. And I'm fighting some depression - probably a result of being so busy and trying to get settled into the new 'way things are' now that I'm living with my boyfriend/dom/master and his other girl (I'm going to just call him Boss from here on out for simplicity's sake). I have several topics I want to write about; hopefully they are still valid when I get around to doing so.

Anyway, today we're reacting to Sunshine & Shadow's post "Who Chose This?" Go ahead and read it first - I'll wait.

So of course, I first think about my current relationship with Boss. Kiara attached to him first - he was her first crush. And remember how strong that puppy-love can be? That's the kind of love Kiara has for him. I fell in love with him after that. Cherish was created for him, and in some strange way, Paul may have been, too. And Silent One, when it is active, seems quite fond of him (more later on Silent One being active). So there's five of us that are firmly 'for' a relationship with him, come what may. And none of the others actually object to him. Rubi and Sam are fine with him as one of several playpartners they have, but I don't see that they have any special attachment to him beyond getting along with him because he's around a lot. Jarett and Lynn see him as an ally, a partner in dealing with us. And Gracelyn really has barely met him. So that's five that aren't so attached to him, but don't object to him. A fifty percent relationship rate seems pretty okay, in the world of multiples.

Thinking back on some other relationships I've had, before I realized I was multiple, I can see some likely connections. And I can understand why I can't seem to have any relationship that lasts more than a couple of years. Aside from my parents, my daughter, and my sister, two years really seems to be the cap for me. I hope that this relationship can survive that two years by a long shot. And with his parts and my parts all either for it, or at least not against it, I think we have a better chance of success.

Self-Harm. Why? [Me, Lynn]

Candycan wrote an excellent post on How and Why Self Harm? You see, self-harming isn't restricted to just cutting and other overt damage done to oneself. Neglecting one's own care, avoiding simple personal hygiene, poor eating habits, denying oneself simple joys, and isolating from social opportunities can all be considered self-harm, as she points out. But usually, self-harm refers to cutting or other injury-based activities. We have also been know to do some cutting. Most often, we use a scalpel, and allow Rubi to cut a decorative pattern into our thighs. The pain from the cutting, the sight of blood, and the freedom to act all release the tension she holds for us. And of course, frequent S&M play as a heavy bottom could certainly be considered deliberate self-harm.

But then Candycan speaks about the different ways self-harm - mostly cutting - serves as a reward. And these are the points which I wish to echo and comment upon.

1. To Feel Something/Anything - Unpleasant feelings tend to build up into a sense of numbness. Blocking out the 'bad' feelings means also blocking out the 'good' feelings. And feeling nothing creates an extra detachment from everything that is neither healthy nor pleasant. Receiving pain by cutting or S&M play forces us to feel something. It overwhelms the numbness and opens up those feelings again.

2. To Stop Feeling Something - When emotions well up and threaten to become overwhelming, despair or depression become a general unpleasant hurt that I focus on obsessively. Cutting becomes a specific hurt that forces me to release that focus on the general despair. It's a distraction from the emotional pain that is simple and clean to process. And along the way, some of the emotional pain gets processed as well, cleaning the slate.

3. Punishment - Candycan brings up the issue of pain as punishment several times, but this is not a drive for us, to my knowledge.

4. Visual Reminder - The cutting and play leave scars and bruises to remind us of the self-harm without having to feel that pain again first-hand. It's a record of the pain we processed. And it's a reminder that Rubi is there, waiting to deal with things her way, should I need her. She is Real, and by extension, so is everyone else in there.

5. Sensation Reminder - For several days, marks from self-harm  remain, itching and aching. Touching them, feeling clothes rub against them, scratching at them feels good. And reminds me that I can deal with what I am going through.

6. Pleasure - Seeing blood turns Rubi on, makes her warm and ever-so-alive. Many kinds of pain do the same for Sam. The endorphin rush is it's own addiction.

7. Academic Curiosity - There is within us a bit of mad scientist asking, "What happens if...?" And it's not exactly appropriate to experiment with cutting up other subjects; they simply aren't likely to consent. So I become my own guinea pig.

8. Control - I believe this is one of the classic reasons to self-harm. When Life becomes hard to control, as it often does, self-harm becomes a singular venue for controlling one's own world. I can control how many lines I cut, how deep, and whether I encourage the bleeding or stop it. I have control (to an extent - at least Rubi has control) of where the cutting is and what it looks like and whether or not I show it to other people.

9. Control within the System - When I first discovered I was multiple, I was afraid of allowing Rubi to take control; I was scared of what she might do, and worried that I wouldn't be able to 'put her back'. When we allow her out willingly to cut, she is not as likely to force her way out. And when she finishes and cedes control back to others, there is a sense of victory over that concern.

10. Sadomasochism - I think we all have some sadist in us. There is something satisfying about squashing a bug, or seeing someone get hurt. I know that I have a strong sadistic streak in me - it runs through several of us, even though we usually embrace the masochistic role more openly. Self-harm gives me the chance to act upon that sadistic bent, with myself as the target, rather than targeting someone else and risking actually hurting them. It would be much more difficult for me to actually harm myself, because as the target/bottom as well, I have perfect feedback and can gauge closely how much I can take. And that means a rush from pushing that boundary, as well.

When I'm Depressed [Me, Lynn]

Again, reading blogs. This time about how depression affects behavior. And how to see when someone's depressed. I thought I'd write on it myself.

Most people know me as a generally happy person. I don't let too many things worry me. I take on projects I can complete and revel in the small victories. I pursue socializing with my friends passionately, and indulge myself being with them. I like who I am. I have enough knowledge of myselves that we like each other most of the time and get along well. And I purposely maintain that happy, competent, social, positive self-image. But it's not always a success. I periodically have a period of depression that I nourish and cater to as fully as the positive end of my psyche.

I can generally tell when I'm threatening to enter a depression. I'll start feeling a weight on me for days, or even weeks, slowing me down. The world seems visibly darker. Usually there's a money crunch involved, and maybe overscheduling myself, which means not getting enough sleep. And often there's some key thing that I've gotten so far behind on that I don't know how I'll ever catch up - something I feel like I'm about to fail at. Not something I already have failed at; once the failure is made, it's past worrying about; it's the impending failure that sets me off. Or big changes coming up that I can't control or plan for - the fear of the unknown. And of course, I find that being around someone who is depressed will eventually drag me down to join them, too.

When the depression's in an early state, I'll have the sense of mentally dragging my feet all the time. And it will show in the way I walk; I'll drag my feet in reality, as well. I just... slow down. And I recognize that I'm slowing, but just don't care. At this state I'm desperate for someone to notice, but don't care enough to ask someone to do so.

The next state I'll reach is an irritable one. The smallest thing makes me want to strangle someone. My dog is particularly good at setting me off. Anything out of place in my house just infuriates me. To the point of throwing stuff away that wasn't put up - and maybe throwing it against a wall first. I can recognize that my reactions are too extreme for the offense, and yet can't stop myself from reacting that way. I may get teary-eyed from anger occasionally. This is the state where I just itch for a good fight, provoked or not. I feel panicky, like I have to do something before the next stage hits, and hurry!

And then I get completely depressed. I'll come home and find myself moping around staring at nothing, completely ignoring people and even avoiding them entirely. I'll lock myself in my room in the dark. And I'll take naps. I never take naps unless I'm sick or depressed. Naps are a Really Bad Sign. And I'll cry. I also don't cry often, unless I'm ticked off. I won't pay bills, I won't go out if I can avoid it, and I won't call a friend to make me feel better. I'll do the minimum I have to get done to be able to go back and curl up in my bed all alone and safe and quiet and dark.

So. Worry, followed by Irritability, ending in Depression. And in the Worry stage, I know what path I'm on; it's not like it's unfamiliar. I don't always go all the way down the path, of course. Sometimes I manage to derail it. In the Worry stage, sometimes I can get a handle on the problem that's eating at me and fix it. Get that bill paid, the car fixed, the project completed. Get some more sleep. This is when I'll get frantically - manically - overly social and hedonistic. Lots of sex, lots of happy silly play, gotta go and do and feel and remind myself how good it feels to feel. And sometimes that's enough to kick me out of that downward path. Fix the problem, indulge myself, feel better.

If, despite my efforts, the depression doesn't lift, I give up on trying to 'happy it away'. I tried everything, and nothing worked. That's when I get irritable. I snap at people who don't deserve it, which makes me feel guilty, and upsets me further. I can't do anything right, so I get very obsessive about doing the things I can right. This is when I might reorganize a huge section of my house, put everything in exactly its place. I don't want to be around people; they irritate me. But if I arrange these... books, or whatever... in just the right way, they'll stay put; they won't irritate me. Until someone moves them (an outside someone or an inside someone). Then I'm furious. I finally got something to work right and now it's ruined. Sometimes the projects and fixing and organizing will be enough to satisfy me, get me out of my funk. Sometimes I'll snap one too many times at people, and I'll get that fight I'm picking. This is when the S&M play, a really hard scene that leaves me bruised and broken and crying and worn completely out, can 'fix' me. Or I'll encourage some controlled self-injury, like light cutting. I've learned to associate physical pain with emotional healing. Yes, I realize this is backward to most people and will be alarming to some - but it does work for me. If my body is hurting enough, maybe my psyche won't be.

And then if that doesn't work, I give up on everything. I'll sit and mope and know that I'm depressed and turn away from anything that might help me feel better. I don't want help from anyone else because I'm not worth helping. And the fact that no one is trying to help me just proves that no one cares. The fact that I just spent the last stage snapping at them for any little thing tends to make this a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of thing. And it's too late to derail it; I have to go through it. At this point, I really can't take care of myself. I need an outside person to come in and take care of me. And I need them to be tough on me, boss me around into doing things, not just soft and gentle and indulgent - though I need that, too. A 'Snap to it!' drill sergeant as much as an 'I know, honey' parental hand-holding. And I'm no fun to be around at that point, I know. So the people who have taken me in hand at that point mean a lot to me.

When I finally break free of the depression path, at whatever state, I don't climb back up the way I went down. I usually feel refreshed and ready to take everything on again - as soon as I catch up on sleep. My rebound is great, if you can put up with getting me to it. And, because I've been away from everyone in the last two stages, now I have a need to catch up on all my socialization. I'll want to cuddle and touch and feel loving and pleasant with everyone. Especially if I need to make amends for being harsh to them in the middle state.

Whining Alert [Me]

I've been unhappy inside my head lately. That's why there's been no posts for nearly a month. I find that I'm perfectly content to run my mouth when things are going well, but we tend to close up shop when things aren't going so well, and stew in our/my unhappiness. And right now, I think I can point to relationships as being the root of my issues.

Several of the men that I have some tight friendships/relationships with are going through various things that are making them unavailable to me right now. I understand each of those situations, and it's perfectly reasonable that we can't get together lately. But with several of those situations added up, it leaves me feeling a little abandoned, even when rationally it's all reasonable. The answer to almost all these situations is time and patience - not my strong suit.

On the flip side of that, one of my guys has basically moved in with me. It wasn't an intentional decision; he's just started being at my house all the time. And that has its wonderful points - I always have someone to spend some time with, and get snuggles every night, and he goes with me to all the social events. However, I feel responsible to him and for him, and our living styles aren't quite that wonderful a match. And he's got his down moods that he's going through.

My daughter's still home, and she's found a job. I'm not spending much time with her; not that we didn't expect that. She's an adult, and wants to spend time with her friends, and has to arrange rides to and from work. But her presence in the house does mean one more person's schedule and needs to consider.

And lastly, I need a girlfriend. A girl friend. I usually prefer to spend most or all my energy with the guys, but I find a need a female friend to vent to and gripe with and make fun of the guys and just get some non-sexual comfort from. My roomate has been that girl friend since she moved in, but she's not been home much for several weeks, between staying with her boyfriend or just working a busy schedule that seems to be opposite of mine.

So yeah, I'm either spending way too much time or way too little time with the people that are important to me. And it's getting to me. I'm cranky and moody and depressed. I've been crying, and taking naps to avoid dealing with the situation. I've got to break out of this.

So how does this affect the multiplicity stuff, you might ask? Not doing so well there, either. With the kid home for the summer, I'm still not switching much around her. More, I'm not switching much when not around her either. Everyone's kind of hibernating, it seems like. It's lonely in my head lately. Rubi and Kiara have both come out for brief moments a bit, but not often, and not for long. I've seen little of anyone else, at least that I've noticed.