Who bought it? [Me]

I came home tonight to a new fun thing I had bought. Or apparently bought. I got a receipt in my email for it a couple of days ago, and an email shipping notice. And it was charged to my card. The problem? I don't remember buying it.

Don't get me wrong, it's something I want; it was on my wishlist. But I don't remember making the decision to buy it. Which means either I bought it and lost that time retroactively, or someone else in my head bought it. The second is more likely, and that is Not Cool. Because no one is supposed to spend money without the okay from me. That's a way to get us all in some financial trouble, so the rule is that I control the money for us.

I looked at the date it was bought, and I was really messed up that day. It was the day after Thanksgiving; I had spent a lot more time at home than usual, which is not good for my state of mind; I've been having a lot of relationship issues with MK, in that we're pretty much just ignoring each other right now; I've been very switchy while finishing the book I blogged about last. So I could easily have okay'd the purchase and not remembered, or have made the purchase and lost the time. Or someone else came up front enough to buy something and didn't make me aware of it. These are all feasible scenarios.

If I knew who bought it, we'd have a discussion about it, and possibly send it back. But I can't get mad at someone else for buying it unless I know if it was someone else, and if so, who. And it is something I've wanted. So I'm keeping it. But I'll be watching more carefully to try to keep this from happening more.

Weekend Blues [Me]

This weekend was pretty icky. Stress in the household seems to be contagious from one system to another. My metamour has been needing some major dental work for a long time now, and finally got it done recently. Well, because of that she's been on heavy antibiotics, which make her feel horrible. Worse, they mute the effect of her anti-seizure meds. And then added to that are some pretty strong pain meds for after the dental work. So she's drugged, feeling sick, recovering from surgery, and having seizures. Then her father died. So now she's depressed on top of all of that. Which means, yeah, she's having a horrible time of it lately. I feel so bad for her, and there's absolutely zilch I can do to make her feel better. I've basically tried to stay out of her way and not cause her extra stress. Oh, and I brought her cupcakes and doughnuts. Soft foods that she loves.

So she's feeling terrible, and Boss is really sensitive to picking up emotions and soaking them up like a sponge. Which is great when folks around him are doing well - he gets an instant pick-me-up for free! And it means he is very sensitive to recognize when something is wrong and try to help fix it. But when it's not fixable, it just weighs on him, heavier and heavier. There's also work stress, of course, but mostly he's worried about her and feels helpless to do anything. Which really tarnishes his White Knight helmet. So he's crabby and mopey. And since he's trying so hard not to be crabby and mopey with her, some of it leaks out with me. So he's been pretty authoritarian and a bit snappish. I understand why he is, and I try to let it wash over, but I still get some hurt feelings over it.

Which means now I'm all grouchy and pouty. And the three of us are there together trying not to offend one another and still get our needs met without interfering with anyone else. It's tough. And it's no one's fault; we just have to get through this time. I'm trying not to be needy and demanding of Boss's attention, because he's worn out trying to attend to the Metamour. She's just trying to get through the day without losing it, and he's trying to take care of both of us and his work. Yes, our apartment is now carpeted with metaphysical eggshells.

So, this weekend. Friday night there was a private party at the club, and I decided not to go. So I was pretty much at home. Now, I'm not a stay-at-home kind of person. Too much time at home and I get antsy. Especially when it's dark and we have to be quiet, because we're trying to let the Metamour sleep as much as possible to get through the drugs and healing. And the animals have picked up on the stress and are acting out, so it's kind of not smelling so good lately - and that means my allergies are making me crabby too. So I'm home on Friday, and it's fine. Saturday, I somehow didn't make any plans, so we slept in.

I got 'done' sleeping long before Boss did, and got on the computer. Kiara ended up watching Glee, a show that she just loves. However, this was the big break-up episode, which ends with all the relationships on the rocks and everyone unhappy. Kiara still hasn't really processed the whole breaking-up with Bear thing. So she got all uneasy and sad, so she went and woke up her Issi to make her feel better. She ended up nestled in his arms, just crying softly. And he didn't have the energy to deal with that at the time, so it never really felt 'done'. Okay, no biggie, we'll deal with it. Someone else came out at some point, and we got up.

And then a friend got invited over for dinner. Boss wanted to cook dinner and clean up a bit - perfectly reasonable. But he didn't ask, he snapped orders about the cleaning up, and when we asked him for clarification, he bit off a 'because I'm the boss' kind of response instead of letting there be a discussion. So our feelings were hurt, and then he was upset because we were upset, and you know how that wheel turns, right? Everybody's upset and doesn't want to be, and there's no time to deal with it, so it waits.

But, it was Saturday night - time for the club! Now, I tend to count on going to the club and getting a good beating on one of the weekend nights each week, and I really need that regular stress relief. But this week, I had something planned that was going to push that till later; I was teaching a new person some of the basics. I recruited Boss to help me, and we actually had a really good teaching session. But as soon as it was over, he crashed. Crashed hard; like I wasn't sure I was going to be able to get him to the car and home. I went into full caretaker mode, and his mental merry-go-round spun pretty freely as I whisked him off home and to bed. Crisis handled. But no beating for me this weekend.

Sunday we still didn't have plans. And I'd been home for too long at this point. Between stress and needing a beating and arguments left unsettled and Kiara being upset and the apartment being dark & smelly... well, I was becoming a mess. I knew if I stayed at home all day, I was going to get really needy and demanding on the Boss's energy - energy he didn't have. So I exited. The truck needed cleaned out, so I headed out for the car wash. I was really fuzzy, and probably shouldn't have been driving, I'll admit in retrospect. And three of four hours later, I made it back home. I know what I did - I did the car wash thing, and a trip to Kmart, and ate lunch. Lunch helped a lot; I started clearing up after I ate. But I got fuzzy again by the time I got home.

When I got there, the screen was open, there were lights on, and cleaning was in progress. We set up fans to blow some fresh air through the house, and it was much more pleasant. After a while, I retreated to the bathtub for the evening, and then later asked to be tied up somewhat while I read in bed. Being tied up tends to center me and calm me down; I was hoping it would help. If not, my next resort was some cutting - Rubi has some new razors that she's looking forward to using. But I just didn't feel like having to deal with that. Luckily, the rope helped. When I woke up this morning, things are better. I'm back to my regular during-the-week schedule, and I'm planning on some play this weekend. I just have to get that far down the calendar.

Now the good thing is that, with the weekend being kind of stressful and unpleasant and fuzzy, I really can just barely remember as much as I've written here. Sometimes losing time is a good thing. The bad thing that goes with that is that I basically get two work-weeks in a row. Ugh. Looking forward to this weekend.

It's Coming... [Me]

Something is coming, some change. I'm not sure what it is, and avoiding worrying about it has kept me from blogging. Also, how do I write about something that I'm not sure what it is? There's a note on the internal whiteboard that some sort of internal reorganization may be underway. The last few times that's happened, we've increased in number. Isn't ten enough people to have in my head? Anyway, I haven't really heard any new voices, so maybe it's something else. I did see Kiara playing around a few weeks ago, moving around pieces of paper on the floor with everyone's names written on them; I don't know if that's related. But there are definitely symptoms of 'Change on the Horizon'.

Last weekend, I had a pretty bad breakdown. Sunday morning we went to a birthday party, but I really wasn't in any shape to be around people. There's work being done in our apartment, and it's been seriously interfering with my routines and peace of mind. I don't handle well having everything I own piled up haphazardly and having to sleep in another room. But there was no way we were going to miss the party, so I was trying to push on through. I got there, though, and just wasn't able to handle it. I ended up being sent upstairs to take a shower and put on fresh clothes, since I hadn't been able to shower at home that day because of the mess, and I was so messed up in the head that I had put on a dirty shirt instead of a clean one. I got upstairs, started the shower, and just collapsed, sobbing. Boss showed up a few minutes later to hold me and let me cry it out; then he put me into the shower and got me cleaned up. Sure enough, I felt a lot better once I was cleaned up and had had some 'poor me' time.

The week after was just fine, but this weekend, we had another issue. Friday night we went out to the dungeon as usual. I knew it was going to be a bit of  weird night; the Bear was going to be there. And the friend running the night's activities is moving out of town; this would be his last time there. And someone would be there that has frequently excited Paul's attention - and Paul's not allowed out at the dungeon. On the way to the club, Kiara popped up internally asking about the Bear and the friend that's moving. And she was being really difficult and pouty about both situations. To the point we had to make her 'go to her room'. So I expected it to be a touchy evening. I knew the Boss would play with me and help me stay sorted out. Yeah, well, that didn't go so well. I can't really say what happened, because I've lost that time, but it sounds like I just didn't respond normally, and then collapsed partway through, Silent One coming out in catatonic mode. Boss dealt with it as best he could, eventually getting Cherish to come out. He quickly got us home and to bed. The next morning, I was a little shaky, but mostly okay. And I had lost the time entirely. I remember supper that night, and I woke up in the morning, with maybe a couple of snippets of conversation that may or may not be valid. I hate losing time.


And this morning we had another episode of loss of control. Boss was stressed yesterday, and Lynn ended up coming out to comfort him, something that only happens rarely. But the day went fine. Sometime in the night, we were cuddling and stuff, and he triggered a reaction that we've purposely set up for play purposes. One that needs him to 'release' me from it when over. And we fell asleep before he released me. This morning, the alarm went off, and somehow I was co-conscious with Silent One. I was able to get up and shower and stuff as normal, but I couldn't speak, and Silent One was pawing at Boss to wake him, and reacting as it usually does to things going on. We were stuck both out together, and it was extremely uncomfortable. And alarming, since I had to go in to work very shortly. However, Boss figured out what was going on (even though I couldn't tell him), and managed to help us switch back around to me being out.


And that's when I saw the note on the internal message board that some internal reorganization is coming up. I'm not sure what that's going to be, as it hasn't sorted itself out yet. 

Psyche Out the Psycho (Me)

I thought I caught some lost time again this weekend. I was packing to head off for the evening to visit some friends, and anticipating the arrival of my ride - someone we all are pretty comfortable with. We slipped messily around as to who was out for a while, so the memories are fuzzy.

The next time I was fully in control, I was sitting with that friend, riding in his car. No big deal, until I looked at his clock, and it showed 11:47. He was picking me up at 4:30 in the afternoon. And it was currently daylight. Which meant it was either the next morning, or the day after that. And that's a whole lot of time for me to miss at once.

I sat very still for a while, looking for clues. The clothes I was wearing seemed to be the ones I had decided to wear out for the evening; I couldn't remember if what he had on was the same as when he picked me up. An internal query didn't answer anything. Finally I just picked up my phone to confirm the time.

And it said 5:30pm. His car's clock was wrong.

I reset the clock for him.

Caught It - Losing Time (Me)

One thing that multiples suffer through a lot is losing time. Just completely missing the memory of what's happened over the last few minutes, hours, days. This isn't something I struggle with a lot. I think it's because I'm very co-conscious, but it could just be that it's happening and I'm missing it. Maybe my brain's hiding it from me. It does seem that, if someone reminds me of something that happened during that period, that memory will get pushed up close enough to the surface that I'll kind of remember it.

Monday I had an in-your-face example of this happening. I spent most of the day hanging with one of my friends. We drove around doing various errands. Early in the day, he pointed out that he hadn't gotten gas in his car in several days, and it was really low. We joked about whether the gas left would last through today's errands or not. After lunch, we got in the car, and I started to say something about the gas in the car, and suggest we better stop for some. But first I glanced at the gas gauge - and it's half-full. Now, obviously, we stopped for gas. But even aware of it, and trying to access the memory of doing so - nada. If put on the witness stand in a court of law and asked whether we had gotten gas that day, I would have said no, we did not. Absolutely sure. And yet, the gas gauge proved otherwise.

I've actually lost time several times with this particular friend. He's reminded me of several things we've done that I didn't remember until he said something. Big things, like half-day-long activities or things that were important to me at the time. Which tells me that I'm shifting around him a lot. But I don't know who it is that's hanging out with him. And he's one of those people that takes everything so in-stride, that I'm not sure whether he hasn't noticed, or he just hasn't felt it necessary to mention to me. Or maybe he's mentioned it to whichever alter is out, just not Me.

I'm working through how I feel about this. On one hand, I feel comfortable around him not to worry about shifting. So I'm not hyper-alert to it. On the other, I kind of feel like I lost my entire day off to someone internally, and I don't even know who.