Catching Up [Me]

I want to write more, but things keep coming up, and I'm too busy to have a few minutes. Or am I just procrastinating dealing with it because there are easier happier things to deal with first?

We're still dealing with my father's death. This weekend we went out of town to pick up some of his stuff from his wife. It was a really annoying weekend; she didn't have things ready and kept putting us off. We were all sick or injured - Boss and my daughter went with me - and I'm still feeling crappy health-wise. There was no sleeping, since an impromptu party sprung up at the house in which we were staying. I made several fails in my planning and time and money management for the weekend. The club we visited while down there had a power outage. It was just a stressful trip. But it was also fun. When you reach a certain level of 'fail', you just throw up your hands and give up on anything planned. We reached that point and then just worried about enjoying each others' company. So we had fun, just didn't accomplish much of what we set out to do. Or what I set out to do, at least. And there's still things going on.

I'm definitely feeling stressed and depressed. Unfortunately, in trying to help me deal with that, my family made it worse last night. I really needed to get some things done and then have some time not with anyone else. I already have a tendency, when I come home, to need a few minutes to get settled in without anyone making any demands on me. But last night was like a magnification of that. Everyone seemed to want to talk to me or create something I needed to interrupt what I was doing to deal with. I know the idea was to support me and comfort me and tell me I didn't have to work on stuff right then. But I needed the stuff done so I could relax, and I needed left alone to get the stuff done. It was an ugly spiral, and I'm still really stressed about it. I got up early this morning just to have some time where no one would talk to me.

And I'm teaching this afternoon. I've got to be all happy and authoritative and friendly. When really I just want to curl up in my cave and read a book.

I made a cave in my closet with some pillows and a book and a light. I'm finding I need a retreat spot a lot lately. I think there's a new alter that needs it. Either a new alter, or an evolution of Silent One, since there are some similarities, and I don't 'see' Silent One anywhere. This one's human, at least, but I think somewhat feral. And non-verbal. At least this one's need to hide in the back of the closet is easier to deal with than some of Silent One's behaviors, or even those of the kids sometimes.

It seems that Paul's system has reorganized a bit. It started a while back, when Baby Paul Age 2 and Baby Paul Age 5 apparently merged into Baby Paul Age 3. Now Paul Age 8 and Paul Age 11 seem to have merged into Paul, age 9 or 10 maybe? So we have Big Paul (14), Middle Paul (9-10), and Baby Paul (3). I think that's easier to deal with? I don't know what it means, that he's consolidating. I know his Age 2, 5, 8, 11, and 14 choices had to do with the age he was when certain events happened in his 'other world life'. Maybe going to new ages means he's attaching himself to this world and this life more than the other one? He's trying to figure out how to relate to Boss more/better. And Boss is trying very hard not to pressure him and to make it easy for him.

I haven't had a whiff of Cherish or Stephanie or the original Silent One in many weeks, or even Gracelyn. I don't know what that means. Are they gone? Are they just not needed right now? It's like the lights are off inside, and I can't tell what's going on. Even Rubi's mostly missing. I could really use her right now. I'm having lots of quick anger, which isn't normal for me. That's usually her arena. But she can't top, because I've torn some muscle in my arm. And she can't bottom heavily, because we slipped a disk in my back. She tries not to come out and be around Boss much because her behavior is detrimental to our attempt for him to be dominant over my system. So she has no outlet, and I think her anger is 'leaking' out to me.

The only alters that seems reasonably normal are Kiara and Sam. Sam pops out for quick moments, as she's always done, and Kiara comes out when she wants to and is very strong, then stays away when she wants. She's not as happy as she used to be, and hasn't been for months, but she's very strong. Now that my daughter is living back in town, I know that's pleased Kiara a lot, but they haven't spent much time together, even so.

What Do I Say? [Me]

I'm back to work after visiting my father in the hospital. The return to routine is helping me a lot. I'm having moments of Sad, but mostly I'm just going about work as usual. Which is okay until a coworker asks me about my dad or about why I was gone last week.

My dad's gone home from the hospital. I'll call later today to find out how the adjustment is going. But yesterday he said he felt better than he had in months and was really looking forward to getting home. We even teased back and forth about whether or not he was going to tackle mowing the yard later this week. So I felt pretty good about it, until he asked me about my son, his grandson. Yeah, he thought he was talking to the step-daughter, and has us confused again. That happened several times in the hospital. So I know he's still got some real confusion going on.

I've seen four showings have happened for the house, which went up on the market like the day before I went to Memphis. I hope it sells quickly, but don't really have the energy to do much about it right now.

I have several teaching things coming up soon. We got asked to teach a BladePlay 101 class this Saturday, to fill in an empty spot on the club's teaching schedule. So we'll scramble just a little tonight to get that ready. It'll be fine. It's time to teach Kink 101 again soon. I meant to do it in late May or early June. I'm looking at late July now. But I finally messaged the venue about that to see what their schedule looks like. I also submitted to teach Kink 101 at Akai-Con again, like we did last year. And Dungeon 101 is next Wednesday.

So that means that this weekend is my 'public face' weekend. I need to be all Welcome-Wagon on Friday for the Munch, then I'm teaching on Saturday, then I'm teaching on Wednesday. I really don't feel like being friendly and welcoming and authoritative right now. I want to be depressed and petty and selfish. But once each thing starts, I'll snap into role and it'll be fine. And that's probably good for me, just not what I want right now.

So that brings me back to answering the question "How is your dad?" A lot of the kink folks know that I went out of town to see him, too. It seems a little crass to answer, "He's dying." But it's the truth. And I don't feel like softening it for their comfort. It's an uncomfortable question, and an uncomfortable answer to match. Because my Dad is dying. I'll make it through, and I'm more okay than a lot of people would be at this point. But I'm not happy. And I need to go ahead and focus on other things that I'm doing.

So if you see me, don't feel like you have to ask about my dad. An extra hug would be welcome, though.

Snippets [Me]

Life's been full of ups and downs lately. I don't have a big thing to type, so here's a few small things.

Yesterday I had a panic attack. Which I had never experienced before Paul showed up. And I was at work. So I went and hid in the bathroom for a little while, and did a mental check-in with the kids. It was weird, because it was the most clearly I had ever seen an interaction between me and other alters without working hard to do so. I was looking into Kiara's room from the doorway, and I could see her with some dolls - Barbies maybe? - in each hand, having them have a conversation. She was sitting in that weird way little kids have, sort of kneeling, but with legs splayed out to each side. She looked over her left shoulder at me and said, "Yeah, I'm just peachy." And went back to playing. Then I looked in on Paul. And I could both see him from my point of view and see me from his point of view. It was so unusually clear. I asked him if everything was good with him, and he gave me that teenager kind of sigh. "Yeah, fine," he said, and then shut the door slowly. So odd to see it that clearly.

One of the things I adore about the boyfriend is that he's very laissez-faire and accepting of quirks. Don't get me wrong, Boss is too, but the boyfriend even more so. The other day he came up to me while I was playing a game on the computer - just a stupid Facebook game, but I really hate interrupting things. And he waited for a minute until a good break to say whatever he had to say. And when I thanked him for it, he explained that for him, too, getting interrupted in something, even something kind of throwaway, is unpleasant. I wish I could remember how he phrased it; it came out so thoughtful and sweet.

I was bemoaning my laxity in posting lately - I know I've been neglecting my blog, but I haven't been in the mood. And I heard someone in my head, not one of the kids, go "We have a blog? Hey, we have a blog!" And since Rubi, Sam, Gracelyn, and Paul have all posted on the blog at some point, I've got no clue who that was. Maybe it was a 'forgot'.

This weekend's going to be a big one. I'm teaching a class on kink to a bunch of social workers, therapists, and medical folk. Boss is doing a presentation for that, too, and then he's teaching a class on negotiations to kinky folk on Sunday. So yeah, very stressful. I've been feeling like I'm not up to it, even though I know I am. Can't wait for it to be over, though.

Teaching is the Big Thing [Me]

Lately, I've been really busy getting teaching stuff together. I've got classes planned at least twice a month from here on out! Sometimes I joke that I need an alter to do nothing but teach, but really I've got it covered pretty well. But it is something I'm spending a lot of time on. I'm also working with a local nurse who will be presenting to a nursing convention this fall to help her put together her information. So I have four different class-type things I'm working on for myself:

For about three years, I've been teaching something called Dungeon 101. It's a monthly 'Welcome to the Dungeon' class, for people who are new to the Nashville community, whether or not they're new to kink. It's been really successful, getting 20-30 people at it nearly every month.

Some of the people coming to that class wanted to get the same information presented to their family & friends that want to know more about kink, but without bringing them to the dungeon itself. So then I started teaching a class called Kink 101. It's not as in-depth about actual play, but covers more about safety and being in an alternative lifestyle. I've taught it a couple of times in the last year, and planning to do so again next month.

Earlier this year, I worked with a local psychotherapist to do a bigger version of that class that was directed specifically at healthcare providers - doctors, nurses, counselors, therapists, etc. It's Kink 101 for Healthcare Providers, but we've been calling it just Pro 101. And I'm going to be doing it again this fall!

And starting this month, I'm part of a team of people teach a series of monthly classes called BDSM Basics. The first class of this will be an Intro to BDSM, but then we'll do things like Basic Rope, Negotiating a Scene, Basics of Impact, stuff like that.

Well, in the last few weeks, I've talked to people about doing another Kink 101, doing Pro 101 again, and then presenting Kink 101 at two different conventions in town! I've also been talking about doing Kink 101 and/or Dungeon 101 with folks in several nearby towns, but nothing definite on that. So here's my upcoming schedule, which I'm very excited about:
July - Dungeon 101, BDSM Basics begins
August - Dungeon 101, BDSM Basics, Kink 101
September - Dungeon 101, BDSM Basics, Pro 101
October - Dungeon 101, BDSM Basics, Con-Kink 101 (maybe)
November - Dungeon 101, BDSM Basics, Con-Kink 101 (maybe)
December - Dungeon 101, BDSM Basics

DID Presentation [Me]

I want you to go watch this video. Yeah, it's really long. But it's worth it. It's a very basic overview of DID presented by a student who is a multiple. I just finished it. I did have to take a few breaks, both to work, and to keep my head together. Boss watched part of it last night, and it made him really spinny, as it has me. Talking really intensely about being multiple makes it more... active? My analogy to him was that it's like watching porn. Even it you're doing nothing, thinking about sex a lot makes you want to have sex. Thinking a lot about being multiple makes you lean toward more switching. So I have a switchy headache right now, not from switching, but from the effort to not switch. That has to wait until we leave work, of course. But for now, go watch the video.

Healthy Maintenance and Good Stuff [Me]

Despite the heavy emotional shakeup lately, there have been some really good things happening. Some even because of it.

I've been teaching a 'Welcome to the Dungeon' class for a couple of years now. It's expanded into the Dungeon 101 class , a Kink 101 class for people curious about their kinky friend's lifestyle, and a Pro 101 for Healthcare Providers that are dealing with kinky folks. And that whole thing is really growing and spreading. I had my first out-of-state presentation last weekend, for example. This is really exciting and fulfilling.

Boss and Paul are still growing and redefining their relationship. Boss sends him gay porn, which he watches with gusto, and then gets all excited wanting to try the stuff he sees. The boy is staying older most of the time, and has a serious case of 'the crush' on Boss. It's a good thing; I enjoy watching them do stuff together.

We've opened our poly family up just a bit. I've talked about MK from time to time over the last couple of years. I've generally referred to him as 'a friend' or 'one of my guys' or as my roommate. He's always been more than that to me, though. He holds a pretty special place for me, and for Kiara. Not as much for anyone else. But in light of the whole condom discussion, his relationship to me - and to the rest of our family - was brought up and examined. And both Boss and the Metamour confirmed what I felt all along, that he is definitely regarded as part of our family. And since we were willing to tell him so, he's been willing to open up a little more to us, to me, too. He's been spending a night or two a week with me, either at our place or at his. And he's interacting a lot more with both Boss and Metamour as well, and that's just great stuff.

And while doing relationship maintenance post-incident, I did go ahead and send Bear a message that I would like to cuddle with him - mostly Kiara would like to - if the opportunity came up and he wished to invite us to do so. He never answered, but we'll see what happens next time the opportunity is there.

In talking with Bear and Boss and MK and other people over the last year or so, I have come to the conclusion that my feelings aren't as obvious to people that I care about as I think they are. If you remember the dom that harshly dumped me a while before I started this blog. One thing he had said later indicated that, at the time, he thought he was just another play partner to me, whereas I was having some serious feelings for him. Bear at one point said something similar. Even though I was deeply emotionally his, he really thought I felt like he was just one of many play partners I had. So I need to make it more obvious. Boss and I talk all the time about how we're feeling. So I think he understands just how deeply I feel about him. But I had not discussed it with MK before, so I did that recently. And that's part of what got him to open up a lot to me, and he feels more strongly than I had dared hope. And that's part of what led to him being much more actively involved in our family, as I mentioned before. So my lesson here is to talk about how strongly I feel for someone, or risk them underestimating my feelings.