Nametags [Me]

We finally got pictures of the nametags that Boss made for us! We wear these leather tags snapped onto our collar when we're around kink folk, so they know who they are talking to (if they want to). I've been wanting pictures of them for a while, and here they are!

Here are the main five that people might see at the club - Rubi, Sam, Me, Kiara, and Paul. You can see the blade and cuts all over for Rubi, the BDSM triskelion for Sam, my IDIC, Kiara's ladybug, and Paul's legos.

And then there are three more for alters that aren't likely to be seen at the club. Silent One doesn't have a tag because, really, you think it would put it on? Stephanie, Cherish, and Gracelyn are below. The symbol on the slaves' tags is for the House of Aten, which is how Boss identifies himself and his household. And Gracelyn has a purple flower.

Motel M is for Sale!

I posted this in my Facebook notes, but here it is again, because it bears repeating. I need to get the house sold and out of my life.

My old house, affectionately referred to as Motel M, is now up for sale! Price is $85,000 As-Is. 1212 sq feet, 3BR, 2BA.

It's a nice little zero-lot-line house (think duplex, but with two separate owners, and a bit thicker walls). It needs a little work, and would be fantastic for someone to come in and fix up, either to live in or to rent. I lived there for four years, and then rented it out to friends for a couple of years. But it just isn't arranged well for us, since two of us can't go up and down the stairs, and only the Master Bedroom is on the ground floor.

Downstairs is the Living Room, which has a fireplace in one corner, and a cute little eat-in kitchen that gets lots of light. There's an attached laundry room with lots of space for storage - we had three large bookcases in there to hold all the laundry stuff and tools and such. There are also pantry shelves over the washer/dryer hookups. Also downstairs is the Master Bedroom (12x17 ft), which has a large closet (21 feet of closet-rod space!). Also the Master Bathroom, with a standup shower and a new dual-flush toilet. Upstairs are two very large bedrooms (11x21 ft each) with angled ceilings and long closets, as well as a second full Bathroom with a standard tub. Outside there is a small back porch/deck attached to a new wood storage shed with plenty of room for a wheelbarrow, lawnmower, etc. There's one nice tree in the back yard, and one in the front. 

The house does need some fixing up, within the reach of do-it-yourselfers. Inside, it needs some paint, and the carpet's old and stained. The upstairs tub runs a little, and needs resurfaced or covered by one of those bath-fitter setups. Some of the ceiling upstairs shows evidence of an old water leak (over 6 years ago). Outside, the ridge vent on the roof needs replaced, and some of the fascia outside needs replaced. Other pieces of fascia have been replaced and merely need painted.

The water heater and central heat & air unit were both replaced 2007-2008. The kitchen includes a fridge and dishwasher.

The MLS listing number is #1544712. Here are some links to some online listings for the house:

http://www.villagerealestate.com/1300-Priest-Woods-Ct-NASHVILLE-TN/1544712/MTAR_VIL701

http://www.nashvillesmls.com/listing/1544712-1300-priest-woods-ct-nashville-tn-37214/

http://www.buysellpropertyintennessee.com/idx/mls-1544712-1300_priest_woods_ct_nashville_tn_37214

http://www.estately.com/listings/info/1300-priest-woods-ct

http://www.trulia.com/property/3156869688-1300-Priest-Woods-Ct-Nashville-TN-37214

http://www.ziprealty.com/property/1300-PRIEST-WOODS-CT-NASHVILLE-TN-37214/63350127/detail

http://www.berkshirehathawayhs.com/homes-for-sale/TN/Nashville/37214/1300-Priest-Woods-Ct-122741575

http://www.movoto.com/nashville-tn/1300-priest-woods-ct-nashville-tn-37214-571_1544712/

Lego Containers [Paul]

I bought some of these at The Container Store. I need more, some bigger ones too. So if anybody wants to get me some, they are in the kitchen storage section on the wall. I want this brand specifically.

I had some other ideas for how I wanted to store legos, but the other idea turned out to be pretty expensive, so I'm going with these.

-Paul

Updated Spreadsheet [Me]

I've updated the spreadsheet I made for all of us alters and our differences. Only a few small changes. 

I listed Baby Paul as separate from Paul. But I kept all Paul's older ages together. Paul's a system within the system, with ages 3, 8, 11, and 14. But the difference between 3 and the others is a big one.

Also, Rubi upped her age from 17 to 19, which I think is fair, since she's definitely grown a lot in the last couple of years.I think it might have something to do with 19 being the minimum age for the dungeon we go to, also.I could be wrong.

More MPD Dance [Me]

A few months ago, I blogged about the MPD Dance my daughter choreographed. I finally got to watch the video, and Boss watched it with me. I can't share the video still, but here are a couple more pics from it.

Watching it again was great. I couldn't see the expressions on the dancers faces; that was a great part of seeing it live. But watching it smaller this time was still pretty powerful. Getting Boss's reactions to it was great, too. He recognized some of my alters in her dance; that's pretty good choreography, considering that my daughter hasn't even met all of us yet. Below, you can see a Rubi-equivalent trying to get the body's attention.

MPD Dance [Me]

This weekend we drove to my daughter's college to watch a dance performance she was in. Not only as a dancer, but as a choreographer. We've been talking for months as she put together choreography for this one, because she did the dance about being multiple. Here's the music for the dance; you should listen to it while you read:

It was a long dance - six minutes - but she had a lot to cram in a short time. She had two dancers, one male and one female. The male dancer represented the outward appearance of the host body, and the female dancer was only in the mind. Because the male dancer had to be all the alters, there was a lot of 'face' acting required for this song. And because my daughter chose to use different styles of dancing to represent the behavior of each alter, the dancing was pretty demanding as well.

The first point where the dance got me was when her host dancer was doing a fairly strong dance, with the mind dancer writhing around on the stage nearby. I thought, "how distracting," and then smiled. Because yes, an alter writhing around in my head with one emotion while I'm trying to be solid and dependable and strong IS very distracting, indeed. Another part that I loved was seeing the merry-go-round effect I've tried to describe, where the host was spinning around, and the mind was pushing him around and around and around some more.

The dancers echoed each others movements at times, sometimes coming into unison dancing, other times splitting completely and competing for the audience's attention. And then occasionally they cooperated, like the moment when the host sat on the ground broken and hurting, and the mind circled behind him, comforting and encouraging, and finally helping him to rise up and face things again.

There will be a video of the entire dance show coming out soon. If we can get it cut down to a video of just that dance, I will come back to edit this post and include it. I'm terribly proud of my singleton daughter trying to design a dance to portray what she has come to understand about my multiplicity. It's a touching tribute, and I won't say that I got through it without tears.

An Avatar for Each [Me]

I made avatars! I found a site (which I have since closed instead of bookmarking - sorry!) where I could make an avatar of each alter. And I did, and it was pretty cool to hear them make choices in my head and direct what they should look like. I've added them to the Alters tab above, but I want to talk about them a little here. So I'm going to show them to you a few at a time and tell you about them now. We actually have an order we think of us in, radiating to either side of me. You may have noticed it when I transcribed a group meeting, the order in which we were arranged. But I'm sticking to that order here, because I find it helpful. And maybe interesting, too.

First, The Quiet Girls - Gracelyn, Stephanie, and Cherish. None speak up very often, but they each have a strong presence when they come out, nonetheless. Gracelyn first - she's furthest from me, and sometimes difficult to hear. But her position at the edge gives her the perspective to see what's going on, and keep her distance from the emotions of it all. She prefers shades of purple, and always carries a clipboard with her. Next is Stephanie. She sees Gracelyn as the Lady of the household and obeys her. Shades of brown suit her and her darker skin tone. She shares the title of Slave with Cherish, though they go about their service in different ways, dark and light. Cherish is golden and beautiful and graceful.

Then we have The Kids. Paul is Cherish's son, so he connects with her, but he's no slave. He's all boy, and very strong. He has his own subsystem of alters, but he takes up only one spot in my system. Green is his color - army green, grass-stain green. He gets to have the mohawk he likes, here. Kiara's also very strong, but she's a very girly girl. Bright blue for her, and we found a little polar bear teddy bear for her, too. She has a wig at home that she sometimes wears, styled in pigtails.

Kiara's the closest to me on that side, so I get to be next. I found a book to read, and short short hair for my avatar. I usually dress in shades of red and black, but I'm as likely to take on Kiara's blue or Paul's green, or even Gracelyn's purples. Together with Sam and Rubi, we make up The Big Girls. Sam found a sexy corset top and some comfy harem pants, and a messy kinda-short hair style suited her well. Rubi went sexier and tougher, with red spiky hair and lots of leather.

And then we have Silent One, who doesn't fit into any of the other categories. It's past Rubi simply because they are both rough and animalistic, with Silent One dropping any connection to human behaviors. We 'see' it in shades of gray and black. My theory is that because it has animal sight, colors just don't mean so much to it. We see it as somewhat fuzzy, and hairy. This avatar did approach some of the way it looks internally. 

So there we are, a quick visual image of the folks in my head. It was fun for us. We've added these images to our Pinterest boards, also, but I wanted to have them all in one place, too.

Memory Rush [Me]

I've known for a long time that my memories from when my daughter was a baby were, well, toast. I could remember looking at the pictures, and I could remember some facts, but my memories from the time I was married to her father, up through about the time she learned to walk, are pretty nonexistent. That's the time period when I fractured apart, and yeah, nothing's there. The time period just 'skips' in my head, like a scratched record. I was a horny teenager, and then I had a toddler.

I know that those memories are blacked out because there are so many unhappy stressful ones there. But there are also all my memories of my daughter being born, and being an infant, and getting to know her. And I don't have them. I'd take back all the memories of abuse just to have my memories of my baby back.

Today I got a memory back.

One of the reasons I haven't been writing too much lately (among several reasons) is that I've been going through old scrapbooks and scanning all the photos to digital format. I have a fear that they're all going to get destroyed or lost or something, and I want to have that visual record.

I was scanning photos from her first year, and at Ten Months, I got to a picture where she's in a grandparent's lap with some cousin or another, squirming to get down. There's a real sense of movement in the picture. And something about the movement, the look on her face, or the clothes she was wearing, triggered a memory. The first thing I got was the feeling of her little fat baby thighs in my hands. I remember holding her, squeezing her thighs, and the way they felt. I remember the smell of my baby's skin and hair, and the exact way she felt squished up against me in a hug, squirming to get down. I even remember the texture of the outfit she's wearing in the picture, the exact color of pink and the coarseness of the cloth. I remember that ten-month-old little girl. And I've been crying ever since.

Merry Christmas to me.

The Meronym Sims Family [Me]

Last night we were playing The Sims, and created characters similar to each alter. Boss was enthralled (and so were we), and suggested I should put a copy here for everyone - and isn't it cool? From the left, Cherish in front, Gracelyn behind her, Kiara in front, Me in back, Paul in front, Sam in back, and Rubi on the right. Of course, there's no Silent One; I'm not sure how I would create that.

Boss said that they were all really obvious to him, both from his knowledge of them, and the pics in the albums on Pinterest for each alter. Except for Cherish. He didn't see her quite like that, and had trouble placing her. He never did answer how he does see her, though.

And of course, the characters aren't exactly a match for how everyone looks in my head, but it's close. For instance, the ages - you have five choices - infant, child, teen, adult, and elder. I put Kiara and Paul as children, but they aren't really the same age. Kiara should be a little younger than shown, and Paul should be a little older. I put Cherish and Rubi as teens. Rubi is 17, but Cherish is 19. And I wanted to put Gracelyn as an elder, but that only comes up with quite older characters, and no choice but grey hair.

And the clothes weren't exactly what any of us would pick, either, given unlimited choices. But they at least got the spirit of each alter correct, so we're pleased. It was neat to see each person go co-conscious to help pick their own looks and clothes and stuff.

I played the family in-game for a couple of days' game time. And it's really hectic and busy and hard to keep up with. On his own blog, Boss wrote, "But seeing them wonder[sic] around in sims reminds me of how chaotic it is in their head sometimes with everyone milling around."

Where's the Queer Symbol? [Me]

Today I was browsing the internet looking for a symbol for 'Queer'. We all know the rainbow flag, and the venus & mars symbols, even the leather pride flag (if you don't know these, go look 'em up; I'll wait). But I'm not gay. I'm not straight, either. Well, I am; we aren't. We wrote a blog about being queer before. And I was thinking, surely there's a queer symbol. An easily identifiable something that shouts to those that know, "Hey, me too!" I can wear a Jayne hat or an Horgahn symbol or do the Vulcan salute to identify myself to fellow geeks. I can tuck an handkerchief in my back pocket to identify myself to fellow S&M folks (black and grey on the right). I can wear my collar to identify myself as taken in the kink crowd. But how do I identify myself as queer? I can't find anything.

The closest I found is the Lambda. From something I found online: "Lambda represents synergy, the concept that the whole is greater than its independent parts. Spartan platoons consisting solely of men who loved men are said to have had this symbol emblazoned on their shields. In 1970, the Gay Activist Alliance in New York chose the lambda as a symbol of gay liberation, and in 1974, the first International Gay Rights Conference adopted it as an international symbol. Initially, some gay men used the lambda as a way to meet each other without fear of discrimination." So it's a gay symbol, but I like the description - "the whole i greater than its independent parts." And from http://www.lambda.org/symbols.htm I found things like:

• Simply, the Greek letter "L" stands for "liberation." 
• The Greek Spartans believed that the lambda represented unity. 
• The Romans took it as meaning "the light of knowledge shining into the darkness of ignorance." 

I wish 'Queer' had its own symbol, separate from 'Gay' or 'Kinky'. If anyone knows of one, please tell me about it.

New System Map [Me]

We've been working on a new system map. Now that we're back to eight people, we needed a new design. As a reminder, here's the old map:

With Grace and Lynn combined, and Jarett gone dormant, the rooms needed redone. And Silent One needed its own room, now that it was becoming more active like a 'real' alter. We weren't using the Quiet Room as such. And the Sharing and Watching Rooms were kind of flowing together.

The first notice we got of any redesign was before Grace and Lynn combined. Kiara told the Boss something about a space being made for Silent One; a space full of plants and trunks and vines and noises; a jungle room. Several times we find Kiara with scraps of paper on the floor, moving them around to show relationships between alters. Then Grace and Lynn combined and Jarett decided to use that opportunity to go dormant. Now we eight names on paper scraps, plus the functional rooms. We were having trouble coming up with a design that worked.

One day, I was at work, and noticed Kiara sketching during a meeting; I tried not to watch, and let her go ahead. She put us all in an octagon, with a smaller octagon inside as a public space. Then she decided maybe I needed a bigger space, and extended it outside the larger octagon. And shoved a 'closet' for Jarett in the back of Gracelyn's space. And I noticed it looked a lot like an IDIC, which is a symbol I use to represent myself many places online (left). It represents a philosophy of encouraging folks' differences as strengths, and includes notes of tolerance and acceptance.


The last couple of days, we've been working on a new floorplan-design based on the IDIC (right). You can see where those alters that easily switch one to another are close by. The kids are next to each other, the folks that do S&M play are together, and the ones with a service orientation are together. Silent One is pushed to the end of the hallway/mingling area in its Jungle Room. And there is storage behind Gracelyn's area for Jarett. I did get a strong feeling that multiple storage spaces needed to be created back there, so I wonder what else might be back there. In gray around the middle is open space where everyone can mingle, watch what's going on inside and out, and prepare to come out in control. And in the center is the Interface. This was a sort of front office or receptionist's area in the former floor plan.

So we'll see how this new plan works for now. I couldn't work it up on blueprint-type software; none of the free programs I've used before would support an octagonal building. But I'm still pretty pleased with the way it turned out.

Reducing Angst in the Teenage Boy [Me]

Let's talk about Paul again. The last time I wrote about him, he was struggling a lot, and practicing how to switch in and out. He had gotten stuck out and unhappy a couple of times just after our collaring. He's become a lot more happy since then, and is starting to adjust.

We've acquired a lot of Legos for Paul, and playing with them seems to soothe the turmoil he's felt from the beginning. He really likes to come out when we're alone for a while. Which works out nicely for those of us that hate being alone. He does more sorting of the blocks than actual building with them. But if that makes him happy, then that's all good, right?

He's also faced his social anxiety and gotten a handle on it, I think. After the panic attack at the club, he's been banned from the place, at least for now. But the club is one of the places that's really 'safe' for any alter to come out and be who they are. Add to that his uneasiness with how he feels about sex and gender and sexuality, and he really needs some time to be out around people who accept him as a pre-teen boy, regardless of what body he's in. So we've asked him to be out - or he's asked to be out - at a few things. I went to dinner a few nights with the Boss and a group of friends - most of whom are gay (and happily so), and Paul was invited to front for those. And these folks are completely accepting and encouraging. They asked him about himself and talked to him like he isn't me. And he needed that.

Since that worked out so well, Paul asked the Boss if they could go to the local Queer Munch. They did, and he was out the whole time. He had a lot of conversation with other people there and was actually quite social. The most interesting part of that night, from my perspective, was watching when Paul went off to the bathroom. He actually stood in front of the two bathroom doors for a moment trying to figure out which one to use. It wasn't a calculated decision - he actually wasn't sure which way was right for a moment; the ingrained choice wasn't there. After that night, I went and bought some pants for Paul so that he'll have 'boy clothes' to wear instead of having to make do with mine.

Then, when my daughter was in town, she wanted to take me to the local kids' science museum for Mother's Day. Hey, we're okay with being weird - it sounded like fun. As we were arriving, I let her know that I expected one or both kids to show up while we were there; honestly, I figured Kiara would be out all day. She replied that she expected it and would be fine with that. So we were both only a little surprised when Paul took firm control of the front, and had a blast hanging out with her all day long. He decided that she's pretty okay, for a girl.

And last, and probably the most interesting and important, Paul has started age-sliding. Most of the time he's an eleven-year-old pre-teen. But in certain situations, we are suddenly very aware that he is fourteen, not eleven. It's interested to feel the difference. We can almost feel his legs lengthen as he gets taller mentally, and his voice drops. He has more confidence and less fear. It's not the same feeling as having two alters, the change between them is definitely more fluid and elastic; they are two 'modes' of the same alter, much the same way as Silent One can be active or inactive. I like the sweet younger Paul, but the older Paul is pretty interesting, too.

Blogging Is My Therapy...

Picture Collage [Me]

It's finally ready, and I am so excited about it. At my collaring, early in the evening, we took a series of photos where the Boss pulled each alter out one at a time, and the photographer got several shots of each, wearing black against a black background - she called them 'floating head' shots. For three months, these and many other photos have been in editing, and now they are ready. Here is a shot of the folks in my head:

Yes, there are nine of us there, each in turn. Gracelyn Rose is not there, as she had not presented at that point. And the shot of Silent One is taken from a still photo that was blurred. We couldn't exactly make it come out for photos - at the time that would have meant taking pictures of a catatonic body; not very exciting. But the blurred photo was exactly what I wanted to represent it. So here we are, this is us.

Lynn calm & relaxed.         Kiara happy & excited.               Paul looking concerned.

Cherish relaxed & patient.  Me in the center, of course.         Jarett watching everything.

Rubi smirking & vicious.     Silent One a blur, not quite real.   Sam ready to tease & play.

You can click the picture to bring it up larger to view.

Riding the Merry-Go-Round [Me]

I'd like to introduce a term that's been flying around our household a lot - 

Riding the Merry-Go-Round.

With three multiples in one household, sometimes it gets pretty hectic trying to figure out who's out in which body. It's like throwing a bunch of kids on a merry-go-round and spinning it really fast. Then, when it stops, they all get off and run in different directions. You don't know who's going to get off facing you - that kid you like or the one you hate, or that other one that just showed up and nobody knows.

We have periods of time like that. Sometimes one alter will take the front and remain there, very stable, for hours. But sometimes we'll switch again and again and again. Those are the merry-go-round times. And it's pretty confusing for the outside person to keep up. Sometimes it's hard for the inside folks to keep up, too.

The Boss has been having a lot of merry-go-round times lately. Lots of stress, and dealing with my stuff and our girlfriend's health. You know, life. But the thing about merry-go-rounds is that if you fight it, you'll get dizzy and vomit everywhere. But if you can make yourself relax and go along with it, you can learn to really enjoy the ride.

Round and round and round it goes, where it stops, nobody knows...

Setting Up The Light Bank - A Little Internal Wiring Challenge [Me]

So now that the dam has broken, I have a few topics I want to blog about. You're ready for that, right, readers? I mean, you haven't had anything to read from me in over a week.

So with all the mess going on in my head the last couple of weeks, we've been discussing internally what the underlying problems were, and what kind of measures we can take to prevent the same kind of lock-up in our mental works.

One problem that seemed to come around is alters showing up in places and at times that aren't appropriate for who that alter is. Like Paul showing up at the club. Yes, he wants to watch people there, but he seems a bit frightened by the kink behavior. So he really needs to stay away at the club. Just like Rubi needs to not be around my family or at work. And Gracelyn has expressed a wish to avoid both sex and kink. We need a system.

Written and verbal cues don't work all the time for all of us. At the very least, Silent One doesn't use language, so any language-based cues are going to be a problem. Several of us have discussed it, and here's what we've come up with.

We're going to experiment with a warning light system. In a recording studio, radio station, or what-have-you, they have the On-Air light that warns you when it's safe to enter, and when you need to stay outside. Theaters use colored gels on the lights to set the mood. There's a blue security light at the club that can be activated from the front desk. The Terrorist Threat Level system is based on colors - a little too complicated, as I recall, but still, it seems like a good system, potentially.

We associate red with sex. So there will be a red light in the Sharing Room, opposite the door to the 'Front Office'. When it's on, there's sex-stuff going on. Those who are not interested in sex will be able to see the light from the back hallway, and avoid the common Sharing Room entirely. That would be Gracelyn Rose and Lynn, and anyone else who just isn't in the mood.

We decided to use Blue to indicate kink-play is going on. Some things will probably be painful, and those that want to avoid the kink, or the pain, or both, should not come out when the blue light is on. That would be Grace, Lynn, Jarett, and Paul. Jarett has been asked to help keep Paul out of kinky situations, including simply hanging out at the club. Kiara will check with someone else before coming out in the blue light, to see if it's pain-play or not.

And we also wanted a light to indicate 'Free Play'. We'll turn on a green light when it's safe for anyone to come out that wants to, without waiting for the situation, or the boyfriend, to call them out. Sometimes it's rude to just walk into the front room, like when I'm at work or presenting a class or talking to my parents. Some of us are more timid about just inviting themselves to front unless they've been called. By putting on the Green Light, we're saying that if someone is just in the mood to come out, they are encouraged to do so. This will probably be times at home when nothing in particular is going on.

And a crisis light. We're going to use the yellow light to indicate that we are struggling, that things are not going smoothly. And during these times, it would be great if everyone could keep things quiet, maybe even stay in their rooms (those that have them). If we can keep things calm, then I can work on settling things down.

The lights will be controlled from the Watching Room, where Lynn will have control of the switches to turn them off and on as needed. This is an experiment, so we'll see how it works.

Updated Floorplan [Me]

I've been working on a new internal floorplan. I added rooms for Gracelyn Rose and Paul. And rearranged a little bit. You'll notice that Lynn, Silent One, and I don't have rooms of our own. Silent One prowls the Lock-Down Room, and Lynn is always observing. I'm limited to the front three rooms - the Spotlight, Sharing, and Watching rooms. Occasionally I manage to crash out on the couch in the Sharing room and stop paying attention to what's happening.

I'm Collared at Last! [Me]

At New Years, my boyfriend gave us a collar to wear. And it was the equivalent of an engagement ring in the non-kink world. Last night, we made good on that arrangement, and I got a permanent collar to him. We went to the BDSM club and had a ceremony that pledged us to one another permanently, just like a marriage ceremony. Except without all that messy legal name-changing stuff involved.

We had a ceremony. It involved him pulling each alter (except Silent One) out, and asking if we each would accept him as our dominant partner. More than just a boyfriend. Each of us did accept him, and then we did an intense pain-play scene.

I'll give only the bare version here, in deference to my non-kinky readers. He wrapped roses all around my body, then took a whip he had braided for just this purpose, and use it to 'hug' the roses - and their thorns - into my body. And he continued until I 'called Red'. That means giving him my safeword to say that I can't continue. I am known in our community for being very tough and for wearing my play partners out before I ever give up myself. So for me to 'Red out' is a fairly momentous thing. It meant a surrender to him that I don't just give freely. He took it from me, earned it. And in return I earned the collar he wanted to give me.

So this means that, in the eyes of our chosen community, he and I are married. I am his submissive, and must obey him and trust that his decisions are best for me, even when I don't have the same opinion. I will follow rules that he sets out and allow his to influence who I spend my time with. In return, he is my dominant, and is responsible for my mental and physical well-being. He will consider my best interests in his decisions, and try to guide me to the best I can have. 

Temper Tantrums [Me]

a bit train-of-thought...

Kiara's having a temper tantrum - the first I remember us going through, actually. She's locked in her room playing the same damn song over and over again.I don't even like the song. And yells at everyone to go away. I know what led up to this behavior, but I don't understand it. And it means I'm stuck out front all by myself again. Lynn's trying to talk her into opening the door. Rubi's encouraging this kind of behavior - "If the kid wants to be mad and kick around on her own yelling, let her. Don't mess with what she needs to do." Weird to hear Rubi on Kiara's side. Cherish isn't coming out; if Master wants her out he'll ask for her and until then there's no reason for her to be out. Sam got a lot of play and is pleased with herself and off alone doing something. Jarett isn't sure what to do with all these emotional females, so he's staying out of the way. At least Silent One isn't out... This feels kind of like the kind of depression that leads to Rubi cutting and Silent One out, but I'm not depressed. Just unbalanced. And we don't have the time to deal with it; there's a party at my house tonight and I've gotta play hostess like everything is okay. Maybe the party will draw Kiara out of her room. And the thing is, it's not a depression - a good thing started it all out. May be more than I can explain here.

BACKGROUND - we have a roommate, MK. At one point we were sleeping together; I think everyone assumes we still are. But no - he's in a place mentally where he doesn't want that. It didn't stop badly; just loss of interest led to him getting a bed upstairs and starting to sleep there. And I sleep at the boyfriend's most of the time anyway. Sometimes he's in a mood for cuddling; other times he's very touch-me-not. And lately he's been very touch-me-not. And we're very tactile - we want to touch people we like, but haven't been able to pet on him for a while. We crave touching him; we feel disconnected from him. And his schedule and mine are at odds, so we don't get to see each other hardly ever, and when we do I'm mostly-asleep in bed and he's just coming home from work and wants to chit-chat and I can't even stay awake to listen to him. Anyway, so our friendship is strained by outside influences, but he's really really important to us and we care an awful lot about him.

Last night we got to play with both MK and the boyfriend at the same time, at the BDSM club. It was fantastic and made us very happy. Me and Sam and Rubi all got to play a lot, and got all fuzzy and happy and laughed a lot. After, we got to cuddle both men at the same time and it was really great. Kiara usually comes out when we're at this point after play; she's very good at the happy cuddly times. But when she came out this time and found herself petting on and cuddling up to MK, the emotions all welled up. There was a sense of relief - oh good we're okay enough to be playing, and a sense of indulgence - pet him all you can now before you can't anymore, and a caution - don't get too frisky or he'll draw back again, and a sense of unfairness - why can't we cuddle him all the time? - and sadness - pretty soon we'll be back to not touching. The emotions got to be too much, and she bolted for the bathroom, where she sat on the floor in the dark and sobbed until someone else could come out.

I don't think this was a negative experience, though, just overwhelming. Kiara is obviously where our 'love' lives at. She loves fully and without reserve, so the kind of reserve we have to have with MK to not make him uncomfortable is too restrictive for her, and confusing. Several of us love and/or are in love with our boyfriend, but none loves him purely and fiercely as Kiara does. So it makes sense that she loves MK more intensely than anyone else, and yet she's six years old; too young to understand the boundaries on that relationship. Too young to carry the confusion and wistful feelings and denial. So she's upset, and I can hear her playing loud music and yelling and crying in the back rooms of my psyche.

I could lock everything down and put myself in a mode where I'm not hurting and can function well - and I'll have to do that later on when we need to be with people. But for now I think I need to let some of those emotions play out - here where I'm writing, in the tears on my face right now. I don't like this, but I guess it's necessary. I'm going to post this because I need to have it. Once I'm more clear-headed I may delete it; I don't know.

Update, 24-hours later... - Kiara came back out after the party that night and got some time reading books with someone, and some time cuddled up to MK a little bit. And it seems like she's okay now, though still a little sad. She understands that's she's too young to understand. But we're not hurting like we were. I think I will leave this post up, for better or worse.

IDIC - Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations [Me]

I'm reposting this one from, of all things, a Facebook note. It relates to my personal beliefs, and I'll get into that as it relates to the kink and the poly and the multi later.

Several people have asked me about that funny circle-and-triangle picture that I use so frequently online. That is the IDIC. It symbolizes a philosophy that means a lot to me, one that I try to keep in mind. So I share it with you here.

First, the geeky part. This is a Vulcan philosophy - yeah, from Star Trek. The symbol is the Kol-Ut-Shan, and has been shown or referred to in The Original Series, the movies, Enterprise, Voyager, and Deep Space Nine. It's Gene Roddenberry's invention, but his lengthy explanation of it was cut from the script of the episode "Is There in Truth No Beauty?" Fan theory is that the IDIC represents the sun rising over Mount Seleya.

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But what does it mean? The IDIC concept stresses appreciation and utilization of the differences between people. Rather than distrust or even hate someone who is different, we should look for what makes each of us special and use that to the advantage of all. Treating everyone the same casts aside the very things that make them worthwhile. On one site, I found the following explanation: IDIC "represents a Vulcan belief that beauty, growth, and progress all result from the union of the unlike. Because concord, as much as discord, requires the presence of at least two different notes, diversity is good. The brotherhood of man is an ideal based on learning to delight in our essential differences, as well as learning to recognize our similarities."

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What's the politically correct term for someone who is handicapped? Differently abled? Maybe we should look at that as applying to each of us. Because if you have three people in a room with the same abilities and qualifications, two of them are redundant and thus unnecessary. We are each differently abled. And we are stronger in our differences. There is too much in the world to learn - no one person can learn to do it all. But as we each specialize, the group is much more able to achieve a goal than several individuals will be. When we put together a set for a play, as an example, we split up the jobs. People who are detail-oriented should measure and cut the wood. Someone strong should carry the furniture in. Screws all over the floor? Great job for some little kid with a bucket. And the job gets done.

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In C.S. Firedman's book THIS ALIEN SHORE (the underlining is malfunctioning), I found this quote that spoke to me: "God save us from an Earth in which all men are the same. God save us from a colony where that is the goal, or a culture which assumes that for its norm. Give me a thousand people speaking different tongues, worshiping different gods, and dreaming different dreams, and I will make of them a greater nation than you can make with ten thousand of your gengineered duplicates. For mine will have the spark of greatness in them, while yours will live for conformity, worship mediocrity, and take their carefully modulated delight in predigisted dreams."

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Here's a link that discusses IDIC further; I found it very good. http://www.bookmice.net/darkchilde/spirit/idic.html

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Incidentally, a variant of the IDIC is used by the polyamorous community. The ILIC is Inifinite Love in Infinite Combinations. "It is a variation on Pi-and-the-three-colors from the Polyamory Pride Flag. Like the flag, the colors are: blue, representing the openness and honesty among all partners with which people who are polyamorous conduct their multiple relationships; red, representing love and passion; and black, representing solidarity with those who, though they are open and honest with all participants of their relationships, must hide those relationships from the outside world due to societal pressures."