I've put off blogging this week. That's not surprising; last weekend got really rough on us, and I wasn't ready to sit down and really talk/write/think about it. The good news is that when I'm trying to put something off, I get a lot of other stuff done. I make myself 'too busy' to do that thing I'm dreading. So I've been pretty productive. Yay me. But now I'm ready to deal with last weekend.
I like to tell myself that my system is very well-controlled. We switch out at-will as appropriate to the time and place we find ourself. The children never come out while we're driving. When I'm presenting or at work, only responsible folk take the spotlight. The vanilla parts don't come out while we're doing kink. The nonsexual parts don't come out during sex. Nobody comes out when my parents are with us. We are quite well-regulated and share consciousness with consideration for each other and for those outside our system.
Well, most of the time that's true. Sometimes things just go wonky. The most obvious exception to this is when a new alter is about to emerge or has just emerged, and we're trying to settle them into place. Apparently my behavior is very distinct when this is going on - when Gracelyn Rose was starting to come out, the boyfriend asked if that's what was going on before we were even ready to tell him about it. We get distracted, jumpy, and have trouble concentrating, especially in places where we are comfortable switching about, like at home.
In the week after the collaring, we were - physically - doing a lot of healing. And mentally, we had just accepted Gracelyn Rose in as well. The boyfriend invited her out once to talk, and that seems to have been sufficient for her. She appears to be very much a 'background utility program' kind of alter. Another thing going on is that Rubi seemed to just up and disappear. We have a few theories as to why. Perhaps she got 'fed' so much suffering during the collaring scene that she was sated, and went into hibernation like a fat bear. She may have had some lingering issues about having accepted a collar at all, agreeing to put herself under someone else's authority. In fact, she referenced that feeling a little bit in the blog entry she wrote, just before she disappeared. She may simply have been making a point, that we do need her, and we aren't as balanced a person without her. It's hard to tell.
Either way, her absence became a real problem for us when we went to the club to play last weekend. Without Rubi, I have almost no pain tolerance. And I'm known there for my ability to take some pretty heavy pain. But even light play was too much for me, not enjoyable at all, and I had to ask to stop. If Rubi's point was to prove that we needed her for play, it definitely worked. It also really unsettled us.
And then, somehow, Paul was out. Now, Paul has said he's not interested in the kink stuff. But there he was, out at the kink club. And there are two reasons why, that I know of. There is a young man that has been showing up there recently that apparently matches, physically, how Paul sees himself. He's a skinny young fellow that's very energetic, climbing and swinging on the equipment and generally just playing and having a good time. Paul can picture himself doing all that, except that this body just isn't capable of the kind of movement he's craving. So he sits still instead. Several times we've watched Paul watch this boy. We've also watched him watch someone else, a man that resembles our boyfriend a good bit, but isn't nearly as familiar. Every time he's near, Paul watches him. He seems to have some sort of crush on him. So with both of them at the club Saturday, I suppose it's not too big a surprise that Paul came out when we stopped playing.
However, Paul is an offshoot of Cherish, and they both have a lot of anxiety when it comes to other people. And there were a lot of people at the club that night, and the music seemed extra loud. There wasn't any space to just sit and be quiet. Usually there is. And with Paul out, the tension just built up more and more until he was really having a panic attack. Kiara came out to co-front with him to try and calm things down - she's very comfortable at the club or with crowds - but it didn't work. Instead she 'caught' what he was feeling, and we ended up with two weepy unhappy children. And when panic sets in, it seems the 'door' to switch in and out gets stuck a bit. They stayed out even after the boyfriend took us home.
The next morning we were still off a bit - jumpy and emotional. But there was a munch - a bunch of kinky folks getting together for lunch - and that always cheers me up, to get to socialize with friends. Except they are my friends - and Sam and Kiara's - and not Paul's friends. And he was still stuck out, co-conscious with me, but kind of in the background. He couldn't go all the way in, and didn't want to come all the way out. So even amongst friends, I just couldn't muster the enthusiasm to be really friendly and happy, so I left early and went home. Sunday is gaming (Dungeons and Dragons - yep I'm a geek), so I went to my room and got out some Legos to see if Paul would calm down and let us switch back out. He didn't switch out, but he did seem to enjoy the Legos, until a friend came by to see me and Kiara - but got Paul instead. Since this friend hadn't met Paul before, and Paul was not in a great mood for getting to know him, it didn't go very well. They had some uncomfortable hanging out until the boyfriend showed up. We tried several things to help Paul switch out, but finally the boyfriend had to really scare us, take us by surprise, and force a switch. At which point, grateful but shaken, Paul dove into hiding.
Since he first emerged, Paul's been very conflicted and angst-y. As many eleven-year-old boys are, I suppose. He's shy and has a lot of anxiety in a crowd. He's very uncomfortable in an old, fat, female body that can't move around the way he'd like. And he's struggling with a sexual identity. It's become obvious that he likes men; but he doesn't want to like men. He wants the closeness that a relationship brings, but he's eleven and knows that asking for that sort of contact with someone would bring up a lot of issues for that other person - both because of his age and because he's an alter. The boyfriend has tried to talk to him about all this, but generally gets little more than a shrug in response. We'll see how it all works out.
So Saturday night and Sunday day were a bust for us, emotionally. Monday we had a play session scheduled, one that I knew would get pretty rough, pain-play-wise. Before we started, of course I let my partner know that we had a couple of issues happening, especially about Rubi being AWOL. Since he usually plays with Rubi primarily, it was a serious concern. But the minute they started playing, out she came, and things were just fine. She told him something along the lines of she was waiting to come out to play with him, because she wasn't feeling challenged by anyone else. So she was bored, until he gave her something worthwhile to come out for. Now, I know a lot of that is posturing on her part; that's who she is. But it does remind me to make sure she gets some intense play every now and then to keep her from becoming an issue for us.
Since that play session, I'm actually feeling pretty great. Back to being pretty centered. Paul's been out for a few short sessions, and then back in - like he's practicing the mechanism of switching in and out. I'm for it. Rubi's been in the background as usual, ready for her fun if it comes up. My body is pretty much all healed from the collaring, and is now healing from Monday's session. Things seem to be back to 'normal' for me.
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