It's come to my attention lately that a focus on communication is a pretty major underlying foundation in my life. I'm good at communicating; I do a lot of it. If anything, I'm guilty of over-communicating, telling people around me more than they want to know. But so many of the problems I see other people having are due to too little communication between them.
Of course, the most obvious spot for this is in relationships. And in the breakups, you really see where communications have been neglected. In the last six months, I've had two majorly traumatic breakups. The first one started off with him making the assumption that I had stepped out of boundaries we had agreed upon in our relationship. He started off stating that I was lying to him, then refused to talk on the phone to me at all. Guess what? This breakup was horrible. First things first, I hadn't stepped outside that boundary. If he'd simply asked about that, I could have told him so, and that would have been that. But he took what someone else had told him and went off half-cocked, and destroyed any chance we had of making things work. Emotionally, I was shattered - didn't even have the chance to defend myself. Now, I can barely be in the same room with the man. And he won't even meet my eyes and say 'hello' when we're forced together in a group.
The other breakup was this week. I was - and am - much more deeply attached to this man. He and I talked for a few hours about why he was breaking up with me. I understand it, even if I don't like it. Have I been emotionally crushed? Of course. But I haven't been raging and depressed and feeling like I'm going insane over it. Heck, he's even checked on me afterwards to make sure I'm handling it okay. And if we happen to be in a group of people together, we'll be okay. I'll hug him hello and talk to him. I may have to excuse myself to go to the bathroom and cry a little, but I'll be okay. Because we talked. A lot. And I'll survive.
In the kink world, we talk a lot about communication being even more important than in regular relationships. After all, if you don't communicate about the kind of stuff we do, someone could get actually hurt. Health issues, injuries, mental triggers - you have to talk about this kind of stuff. Which means a great deal of self-introspection is in order. That doesn't mean it always happens, though. But if you don't delve into your own psyche, and pay close attention to your physical self, how can you tell your partner or partners what's going on with you? And thus, this blog. This is me, examining myself. Myselves. Ourself?
Yeah, communication is important internally, too. The six of us active alters have got to talk to each other. When one of needs something, the rest of us have got to pay attention to that and deal with it. If I'm getting depressed - say, over a breakup this week - and I don't pay attention to that, it's going to come out somewhere. I could turn my unhappiness over to Rubi - and then I need to get into a fight with someone, or have some really aggressive sex, or she might do some cutting. Or I could turn it over to Sam - and she'll overwhelm it by teasing and picking on friends and whooping it up, trying to party the blues away. Or Kiara might get it, and hide at home coloring page after page. But if I don't ask one of my alters to help me - or even several; we can all chip away at the unhappiness a little bit - then it's still going to come out. It might affect my work or my friendships. It will come out one way or the other.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Old Journal Entry - Gaming and Alters (Me)
Without realizing it, I found a really ideal therapy method that works for me. From May 2005 until February 2009, I played an online role-play game set in the Star Trek universe. There I played several different characters in different game simulations - including RubIq' (Rubi), Jarett, and Ki'ira - actually she seems analogous to the Counselor, rather than to Kiara - and I played a trill character with several former personalities, Lin.
Ki'ira was my first character in the game - she was a ship's counselor, and was exploring her sexuality with another PC (character controlled by a player) over a fairly lengthy period. Given that the game is limited to PG13, the exploration was fairly light, and more about sensuality than sexuality. But it may be the first time I really stepped back to think about how a 'different me' might react to things. I think she was an outward expression of my inner Counselor, as I started examining myself and those around me as an observational exercise more than an emotional one. She met with other characters in-game and did a lot of asking them to look at themselves. I think she asked me to do the same in some ways.
Jarett was one of the last characters I played - he was very much in-charge, and quite even-tempered, except with the woman he eventually married in-game. He was a man of mystery, a ladies' man, a very James Bond like man. My inner Jarett is also very much in control. He's the responsible one, the one that pushes me to sit down and pay my bills or write an email I've been putting off. He's also just as likely to be distracted by a pretty face or curvy body as the Jarett of my game. He has very well-expressed preferences in the women he appreciates looking at. I'm a little worried what will happen when he goes to flirting with one at some point.
Next is Rubi, or RubIq'. RubIq' is a midget Klingon woman who's full of spice and fire. She's the one I could never live-play, as I'd end up in jail or the hospital. She loves to get physical, whether fighting or sexual, and she loves to drink and eat and brawl. She's mouthy and fearless, and playing her as a character was sometimes very difficult, but at the same time very easy, because the character would completely take over and write her own story, often directly opposed to what I had planned for her. Heck, she even went by the name Ruby once or twice. RubIq' is the kind of character Rubi would like to be, if there were no societal restraints on her behavior.
And the final, really relevant character I played was Lin. Maarta Lin is a joined trill - she has a symbiont living inside her that carries the memories of several other hosts. If that's not multiple personality made practical, I don't know what is. She would confer with her former host personalities frequently, very similar to the way I now confer with my alters. Oh, and she had both the Counselor aspect of Ki'ira and the commanding aspect of Jarett about her, as well. One of her former hosts was a somewhat RubIq'/Rubi-like character too - a wild child that made poor choices.
I've been away from my game-play for about five months, and it's been during that time that I've become aware of my alters and started getting to really know what's going on. Coincidence? I'm thinking not.
-----
It's now been about another year and a half, and I'm still getting to know my alters. The journey continues.
Ki'ira was my first character in the game - she was a ship's counselor, and was exploring her sexuality with another PC (character controlled by a player) over a fairly lengthy period. Given that the game is limited to PG13, the exploration was fairly light, and more about sensuality than sexuality. But it may be the first time I really stepped back to think about how a 'different me' might react to things. I think she was an outward expression of my inner Counselor, as I started examining myself and those around me as an observational exercise more than an emotional one. She met with other characters in-game and did a lot of asking them to look at themselves. I think she asked me to do the same in some ways.
Jarett was one of the last characters I played - he was very much in-charge, and quite even-tempered, except with the woman he eventually married in-game. He was a man of mystery, a ladies' man, a very James Bond like man. My inner Jarett is also very much in control. He's the responsible one, the one that pushes me to sit down and pay my bills or write an email I've been putting off. He's also just as likely to be distracted by a pretty face or curvy body as the Jarett of my game. He has very well-expressed preferences in the women he appreciates looking at. I'm a little worried what will happen when he goes to flirting with one at some point.
Next is Rubi, or RubIq'. RubIq' is a midget Klingon woman who's full of spice and fire. She's the one I could never live-play, as I'd end up in jail or the hospital. She loves to get physical, whether fighting or sexual, and she loves to drink and eat and brawl. She's mouthy and fearless, and playing her as a character was sometimes very difficult, but at the same time very easy, because the character would completely take over and write her own story, often directly opposed to what I had planned for her. Heck, she even went by the name Ruby once or twice. RubIq' is the kind of character Rubi would like to be, if there were no societal restraints on her behavior.
And the final, really relevant character I played was Lin. Maarta Lin is a joined trill - she has a symbiont living inside her that carries the memories of several other hosts. If that's not multiple personality made practical, I don't know what is. She would confer with her former host personalities frequently, very similar to the way I now confer with my alters. Oh, and she had both the Counselor aspect of Ki'ira and the commanding aspect of Jarett about her, as well. One of her former hosts was a somewhat RubIq'/Rubi-like character too - a wild child that made poor choices.
I've been away from my game-play for about five months, and it's been during that time that I've become aware of my alters and started getting to really know what's going on. Coincidence? I'm thinking not.
-----
It's now been about another year and a half, and I'm still getting to know my alters. The journey continues.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
A Typical Multiple Weekend (Me)
We had a very cooperative weekend. We switched around a lot, but worked together to make it a positive, fun thing - not the stressful, worrisome experience it could easily be. But I thought that a blow-by-blow of this weekend might help to illustrate to you, my blog, how multiplicity could be a good experience when it works smoothly.
Friday Night. I went to some friends' house to hang out. We had dinner and played cards. I brought one of my motel minions with me, and a bunch of other folks turned up throughout the evening. I ended up snuggled on the couch between my minion and the host of the evening. Snuggling is Kiara's province, so she came out to co-front with me, and we both enjoyed the warmth of our friends. During the card games, some opportunities came up to say something snarky. Now, I'm known for saying some pretty smart-mouthed stuff, but I was behaving, and refrained from speaking what I was thinking. But Sam jumped in and said it anyway - I didn't really have control over her doing so.
Saturday. Got through work okay, with no appearances from the inner crew - they tend to let me take care of our job all by myself. That seems to be the only safe way to handle it, to my thinking. After work, I went out to dinner with a friend. Kiara got excited when she saw the crayons near our table, but subsided easily when I told her 'no'. After dinner, we hit a couple of stores, that happened to be in an area of town that wasn't the greatest. I could feel my stride lengthening into Jarett's, and his big tough-guy energy infused me as we headed down the street. He stayed co-conscious with me until we got home. Then I started getting ready for the party we were going to, and Kiara enjoyed the pretty dress and putting on makeup. There were several minions hanging out at the house, so Counselor stepped into mommy-mode and kept an eye on what they were doing.
Saturday Night. Got to the party, started socializing. Sam, Kiara, and I were all sharing front billing, and then my ex walked in the door. Instant evacuation, down to just Me. Yeah, it was an ugly breakup and we're still angry - he besmirched my honor and honesty, really ticked me/us off. Rubi bubbled right up to the surface wanting to take a piece out of him, but as a group we decided to just ignore him as long as he left us alone. That worked for a good while, and I just socialized with people that weren't talking to him.
I have one friend who is particularly special to Kiara. The rest of us are mighty fond of him, but Kiara dotes on him. He showed up at the party, and I ceded the front to Kiara long enough to squeal and jump up and down and hug him. Eventually, I stepped back in, warned him that the ex was there, and Rubi could be a problem for that. He mentioned that he'd been feeling like roughing someone up and was hoping to play with Rubi (here we're delving into the BDSM play). When Rubi plays, I generally recommend she be bound, because she will hurt someone if they don't contain her - she'll break 'good behavior' rules, like untying herself from ropes, and taking toys away from the person beating on her. But this particular friend lives with a multi, and knows how to work with us. And because Kiara adores him so much, he can ask for her to come out any time. So he tied me down, and beat on Me/Sam/Rubi until he was spent. Rubi did get untied at one point and tried to cause him trouble, but he didn't let her. And when he was done, he cuddled me until Kiara took over, and then she got to cuddle with her favorite.
After that, back to Me, to flirt and tease with my friends. Oh, and the ex had left - we didn't even notice him go. I had birthday spankings due to me, and Sam took those while teasing the folks delivering them. Didn't take long till it was time to leave, so off we went, with Jarett doing the driving while the rest of us dozed. Watching our energy level drop, Counselor insisted we stop at McDonald's for some food on the way.
Sunday Morning. Me and Sam ended up cuddling with a minion most of the morning for a lovely lazy Sunday morning. Then my boyfriend came by and took Me for a ride on his motorcycle. Sunday is our Dungeons & Dragons day, so everyone else started arriving pretty shortly after that. Gaming is generally My province, but there were opportunities for the others to peek out occasionally. When we finished gaming, we stumbled to bed and passed out.
Monday. I'm off on Mondays, so I spent Monday morning with another friend of mine - one I don't usually get to see that often, and when we do, it's either for gaming or sex. Haven't managed a combination of both yet, but it will someday happen. He actually asked to spend some time with Kiara on purpose, so we let that happen, and he got to know her a little bit more than he had before. He also spent some time with Sam and with Me a bit before he had to go. Then, spent the afternoon with another friend doing some shopping. Didn't switch at all afternoon - at least, not that I was aware of. Came home, took a bath, watched a movie, no switching - maybe everyone was tired out.
Friday Night. I went to some friends' house to hang out. We had dinner and played cards. I brought one of my motel minions with me, and a bunch of other folks turned up throughout the evening. I ended up snuggled on the couch between my minion and the host of the evening. Snuggling is Kiara's province, so she came out to co-front with me, and we both enjoyed the warmth of our friends. During the card games, some opportunities came up to say something snarky. Now, I'm known for saying some pretty smart-mouthed stuff, but I was behaving, and refrained from speaking what I was thinking. But Sam jumped in and said it anyway - I didn't really have control over her doing so.
Saturday. Got through work okay, with no appearances from the inner crew - they tend to let me take care of our job all by myself. That seems to be the only safe way to handle it, to my thinking. After work, I went out to dinner with a friend. Kiara got excited when she saw the crayons near our table, but subsided easily when I told her 'no'. After dinner, we hit a couple of stores, that happened to be in an area of town that wasn't the greatest. I could feel my stride lengthening into Jarett's, and his big tough-guy energy infused me as we headed down the street. He stayed co-conscious with me until we got home. Then I started getting ready for the party we were going to, and Kiara enjoyed the pretty dress and putting on makeup. There were several minions hanging out at the house, so Counselor stepped into mommy-mode and kept an eye on what they were doing.
Saturday Night. Got to the party, started socializing. Sam, Kiara, and I were all sharing front billing, and then my ex walked in the door. Instant evacuation, down to just Me. Yeah, it was an ugly breakup and we're still angry - he besmirched my honor and honesty, really ticked me/us off. Rubi bubbled right up to the surface wanting to take a piece out of him, but as a group we decided to just ignore him as long as he left us alone. That worked for a good while, and I just socialized with people that weren't talking to him.
I have one friend who is particularly special to Kiara. The rest of us are mighty fond of him, but Kiara dotes on him. He showed up at the party, and I ceded the front to Kiara long enough to squeal and jump up and down and hug him. Eventually, I stepped back in, warned him that the ex was there, and Rubi could be a problem for that. He mentioned that he'd been feeling like roughing someone up and was hoping to play with Rubi (here we're delving into the BDSM play). When Rubi plays, I generally recommend she be bound, because she will hurt someone if they don't contain her - she'll break 'good behavior' rules, like untying herself from ropes, and taking toys away from the person beating on her. But this particular friend lives with a multi, and knows how to work with us. And because Kiara adores him so much, he can ask for her to come out any time. So he tied me down, and beat on Me/Sam/Rubi until he was spent. Rubi did get untied at one point and tried to cause him trouble, but he didn't let her. And when he was done, he cuddled me until Kiara took over, and then she got to cuddle with her favorite.
After that, back to Me, to flirt and tease with my friends. Oh, and the ex had left - we didn't even notice him go. I had birthday spankings due to me, and Sam took those while teasing the folks delivering them. Didn't take long till it was time to leave, so off we went, with Jarett doing the driving while the rest of us dozed. Watching our energy level drop, Counselor insisted we stop at McDonald's for some food on the way.
Sunday Morning. Me and Sam ended up cuddling with a minion most of the morning for a lovely lazy Sunday morning. Then my boyfriend came by and took Me for a ride on his motorcycle. Sunday is our Dungeons & Dragons day, so everyone else started arriving pretty shortly after that. Gaming is generally My province, but there were opportunities for the others to peek out occasionally. When we finished gaming, we stumbled to bed and passed out.
Monday. I'm off on Mondays, so I spent Monday morning with another friend of mine - one I don't usually get to see that often, and when we do, it's either for gaming or sex. Haven't managed a combination of both yet, but it will someday happen. He actually asked to spend some time with Kiara on purpose, so we let that happen, and he got to know her a little bit more than he had before. He also spent some time with Sam and with Me a bit before he had to go. Then, spent the afternoon with another friend doing some shopping. Didn't switch at all afternoon - at least, not that I was aware of. Came home, took a bath, watched a movie, no switching - maybe everyone was tired out.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Kiara and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day (Me)
Yesterday at work was miserable. When I walked in the door, things were falling apart and no one was there but me. It took all morning just to get everyone there and get the emergency taken care of and settled out. Then we played catch-up all afternoon to get the stuff done we should have been able to handle in the morning, except for that emergency situation. So yeah, by the time quitting time rolled around, I was stressed and exhausted. And still had errands to get done before coming back to work for a meeting. Something was about to snap.
Meeting over, I headed home, where I got an unpleasant surprise - I was going to be pretty much by myself all evening. Stress plus alone time can easily equal depression, which means Rubi comes out, and will usually do some self-cutting. Yes, she's a cutter. She's agreed only to cut certain places, and negotiates for how many cuts before the rest of us will let her do so. But honestly, I didn't have the mental energy for those negotiations last night.
And then, to my surprise, Kiara took over instead of Rubi. I always forget how strong she is in character, because she's so sweet and pleasant. But she can be very insistent. She got out her coloring book and crayons, and sat down in front of the computer. And not one, but two of her favorite people happened to be on IM, so she got to chat all evening with the two of them. There aren't many people that she can talk to online, but what luck that they were both there last evening. She talked about coloring and Pooh Bear's shirt, about dresses and friends and hugs. She talked about favorite Disney movies and songs and bedtime books. And these two folks talked with her about these things. And she colored too.
It's fun for me to watch Kiara when she's out. She's aware that she's an alternate personality - it's a little hard to hide the fact that the body is over 30 years old, while she's only six. And so she knows she won't ever grow up - unless she wants to. So she uses that fact. She likes to say things that might shock the grownups a little, but still being cute all the while. For instance, she can and will talk about sex - not something the average six-year-old will do. But she's a little fuzzy on what it actually involves, because she checks out as soon as the snuggly sweet part is done. Mostly, it's nice to be feel her joy in the simple things - finishing a page of coloring, singing a little song to herself, someone calling her by name. She's so easy to make happy, and I get to share her happiness.
It's fun to watch her type and color, too. She's left-handed. I couldn't figure out, at first, why coloring wouldn't bring out my little alter. But I was coloring right-handed. Something happened to make me realize that Jarett is left-handed, so I thought I'd try coloring left-handed. And there was Kiara. So she's learning to color. She can write her name if she concentrates on it. And her typing - it's interesting to see where she draws skills from me and where she doesn't. Now, I touch-type at about 60wpm, faster if I'm upset. I've been touch-typing since I was about 9 years old; it's easier for me than writing. It's a little more of a struggle for Kiara. She hunts and pecks with one finger (on her left hand), but barely has to look at the keyboard. So she has my knowledge of where the keys are, but the motor skill to press the keys is at her own level; she can't type with two hands. Her spelling can be pretty atrocious, and capitalization and grammar are pretty typical of a six-year-old. She also uses some texting abbreviations. It's interesting.
So yeah, my body went to bed about 10 o'clock last night. But I checked out before 7 pm. Kiara had pretty much three hours to herself, by herself. And nothing was bleeding or broken when I woke up, as there would have been if Rubi had been out for three hours alone. The only evidence is a pretty coloring page now up on my wall.
Meeting over, I headed home, where I got an unpleasant surprise - I was going to be pretty much by myself all evening. Stress plus alone time can easily equal depression, which means Rubi comes out, and will usually do some self-cutting. Yes, she's a cutter. She's agreed only to cut certain places, and negotiates for how many cuts before the rest of us will let her do so. But honestly, I didn't have the mental energy for those negotiations last night.
And then, to my surprise, Kiara took over instead of Rubi. I always forget how strong she is in character, because she's so sweet and pleasant. But she can be very insistent. She got out her coloring book and crayons, and sat down in front of the computer. And not one, but two of her favorite people happened to be on IM, so she got to chat all evening with the two of them. There aren't many people that she can talk to online, but what luck that they were both there last evening. She talked about coloring and Pooh Bear's shirt, about dresses and friends and hugs. She talked about favorite Disney movies and songs and bedtime books. And these two folks talked with her about these things. And she colored too.
It's fun for me to watch Kiara when she's out. She's aware that she's an alternate personality - it's a little hard to hide the fact that the body is over 30 years old, while she's only six. And so she knows she won't ever grow up - unless she wants to. So she uses that fact. She likes to say things that might shock the grownups a little, but still being cute all the while. For instance, she can and will talk about sex - not something the average six-year-old will do. But she's a little fuzzy on what it actually involves, because she checks out as soon as the snuggly sweet part is done. Mostly, it's nice to be feel her joy in the simple things - finishing a page of coloring, singing a little song to herself, someone calling her by name. She's so easy to make happy, and I get to share her happiness.
It's fun to watch her type and color, too. She's left-handed. I couldn't figure out, at first, why coloring wouldn't bring out my little alter. But I was coloring right-handed. Something happened to make me realize that Jarett is left-handed, so I thought I'd try coloring left-handed. And there was Kiara. So she's learning to color. She can write her name if she concentrates on it. And her typing - it's interesting to see where she draws skills from me and where she doesn't. Now, I touch-type at about 60wpm, faster if I'm upset. I've been touch-typing since I was about 9 years old; it's easier for me than writing. It's a little more of a struggle for Kiara. She hunts and pecks with one finger (on her left hand), but barely has to look at the keyboard. So she has my knowledge of where the keys are, but the motor skill to press the keys is at her own level; she can't type with two hands. Her spelling can be pretty atrocious, and capitalization and grammar are pretty typical of a six-year-old. She also uses some texting abbreviations. It's interesting.
So yeah, my body went to bed about 10 o'clock last night. But I checked out before 7 pm. Kiara had pretty much three hours to herself, by herself. And nothing was bleeding or broken when I woke up, as there would have been if Rubi had been out for three hours alone. The only evidence is a pretty coloring page now up on my wall.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
A Better Life Through DID (Me)
I always thought a disability was something that made your life harder. Something that meant you had to accept some help from other people just to function on the level of 'normal life'. A mental disorder makes it harder to deal with life, more likely for things to really mess up your plans, right? But that's not really been my experience. I've found that being multiple has made a lot of things in my life easier and better.
First of all, WE are much more mentally flexible than I am. I don't have to be good at everything, nor do I have to enjoy everything. Each of us has areas in life where we are happier, stronger, or more able. And instead of one Me trying to do and be everything a person needs to do and be, I can share that workload with my alters. For instance, I don't like driving very much. Yes, I drive; it's a necessary part of being a grown-up. But I don't like to do so. I'd much rather just get where I'm supposed to be and skip the part between. You know what? I can do that! Jarett does most of the car-driving for my system. He's very calm and steady and doesn't mind doing it. So when it's time to go somewhere, I shift to Jarett, and come back out when we arrive at our destination. When it comes to giving advice or comforting a friend who needs it, Counselor joins me and together we take care of that - she's more warm and motherly than I am by myself. And so on. Each of us has things that we're better at. So we switch around as needed.
Some of my life that is made easier by DID could be chalked up to pure laziness. I don't like to drive. I have a pretty poor memory for names anyway - now I have an excuse for forgetting them. If I get bored with something that's happening, I can just switch out and let someone else handle it.
I have learned that we are a person that is motivated by variety. I've always had a low boredom threshold. I like to be doing several things at once that are quite different. I don't just put up laundry - I put up laundry while singing to some music and while supper is cooking, stopping every few minutes to check my Facebook. From the outside, it looks like I'm just really good at multitasking. Instead, we're sharing. Kiara might be singing, while Sam's making snarky comments online, Jarett's keeping an eye on the food, and Counselor's checking clothes to see what needs to be thrown out. And it all gets done, and we feel energized by working together.
A variety of experiences fulfills me/us. You should see my music playlist - light rock, showtunes, alt club music, crooners, movie soundtracks, country, christian, disney, bollywood, gypsy, opera, jazz, oldies rock, reggae, you name it. That's because we all like different sounds. But we share our listening. We like that same variety in our friends, our bdsm-play, our reading choices, our shopping - everything. And because there are six of us active, almost anything will appeal to at least one of us.
Did you know mutliples don't have to sleep as much as singletons? I'm usually good with six hours of sleep a night, and can get by on four hours for about a week if we have to. The body needs a certain amount of rest, but part of your sleep cycle is to refresh your mind. If one of the alters is in control, I can sometimes 'sleep' inside without having to pay attention to what's going on. Which means I don't need that sleep at night, as long as the body is taken care of.
And of course, the obvious part - I am almost never alone by myself. When I need company, there's some right there inside my head. Bad part - I can almost never be alone when I want to. But I rarely want to be alone. Rubi likes solitude a little more than the rest of us, but generally we all like lots of company - and have it all the time.
First of all, WE are much more mentally flexible than I am. I don't have to be good at everything, nor do I have to enjoy everything. Each of us has areas in life where we are happier, stronger, or more able. And instead of one Me trying to do and be everything a person needs to do and be, I can share that workload with my alters. For instance, I don't like driving very much. Yes, I drive; it's a necessary part of being a grown-up. But I don't like to do so. I'd much rather just get where I'm supposed to be and skip the part between. You know what? I can do that! Jarett does most of the car-driving for my system. He's very calm and steady and doesn't mind doing it. So when it's time to go somewhere, I shift to Jarett, and come back out when we arrive at our destination. When it comes to giving advice or comforting a friend who needs it, Counselor joins me and together we take care of that - she's more warm and motherly than I am by myself. And so on. Each of us has things that we're better at. So we switch around as needed.
Some of my life that is made easier by DID could be chalked up to pure laziness. I don't like to drive. I have a pretty poor memory for names anyway - now I have an excuse for forgetting them. If I get bored with something that's happening, I can just switch out and let someone else handle it.
I have learned that we are a person that is motivated by variety. I've always had a low boredom threshold. I like to be doing several things at once that are quite different. I don't just put up laundry - I put up laundry while singing to some music and while supper is cooking, stopping every few minutes to check my Facebook. From the outside, it looks like I'm just really good at multitasking. Instead, we're sharing. Kiara might be singing, while Sam's making snarky comments online, Jarett's keeping an eye on the food, and Counselor's checking clothes to see what needs to be thrown out. And it all gets done, and we feel energized by working together.
A variety of experiences fulfills me/us. You should see my music playlist - light rock, showtunes, alt club music, crooners, movie soundtracks, country, christian, disney, bollywood, gypsy, opera, jazz, oldies rock, reggae, you name it. That's because we all like different sounds. But we share our listening. We like that same variety in our friends, our bdsm-play, our reading choices, our shopping - everything. And because there are six of us active, almost anything will appeal to at least one of us.
Did you know mutliples don't have to sleep as much as singletons? I'm usually good with six hours of sleep a night, and can get by on four hours for about a week if we have to. The body needs a certain amount of rest, but part of your sleep cycle is to refresh your mind. If one of the alters is in control, I can sometimes 'sleep' inside without having to pay attention to what's going on. Which means I don't need that sleep at night, as long as the body is taken care of.
And of course, the obvious part - I am almost never alone by myself. When I need company, there's some right there inside my head. Bad part - I can almost never be alone when I want to. But I rarely want to be alone. Rubi likes solitude a little more than the rest of us, but generally we all like lots of company - and have it all the time.
Intelligence Tests (Me)
Another post from my early Journal.
Something to ponder… when I was young, I took a series of intelligence tests. The results were surprising to the folks scoring the tests, enough that they pointed it out to my mother. An IQ test measures many different strengths and weaknesses of the mind, and for most people, the results of such tests have many peaks and valleys. So whereas a given very intelligent person might score 140 overall, there are some areas where they are much smarter, say 150-160, and other areas where they could score much lower, even close to the average of 100. The overall score is just an average of these different measurements. My IQ is in the 140-150 range. But there are no peaks of 160 on my results. There are also no valleys of 130. My IQ test results came out as something much closer to an even line than they should have.
Now, I've been reading several accounts of other multiples, and in one, the psychologist ran IQ tests on several different alters in a system that had no co-consciousness. The results came out with a huge range, most well above average, but a few noticeably below, depending on who was taking the test. So I was wondering - if I was multi way back when I was young, could several alters have been cooperating to take my tests, each working on the section that they performed best on? That would explain the tests, though it would bring up the somewhat scary thought that I was multiple long before the trauma from my first marriage.
Something to ponder… when I was young, I took a series of intelligence tests. The results were surprising to the folks scoring the tests, enough that they pointed it out to my mother. An IQ test measures many different strengths and weaknesses of the mind, and for most people, the results of such tests have many peaks and valleys. So whereas a given very intelligent person might score 140 overall, there are some areas where they are much smarter, say 150-160, and other areas where they could score much lower, even close to the average of 100. The overall score is just an average of these different measurements. My IQ is in the 140-150 range. But there are no peaks of 160 on my results. There are also no valleys of 130. My IQ test results came out as something much closer to an even line than they should have.
Now, I've been reading several accounts of other multiples, and in one, the psychologist ran IQ tests on several different alters in a system that had no co-consciousness. The results came out with a huge range, most well above average, but a few noticeably below, depending on who was taking the test. So I was wondering - if I was multi way back when I was young, could several alters have been cooperating to take my tests, each working on the section that they performed best on? That would explain the tests, though it would bring up the somewhat scary thought that I was multiple long before the trauma from my first marriage.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Let's Go To The Movies (Me)
Excerpt from The Magic Daughter by Jane Phillips
Imagine projecting a movie to a roomful of people. Imagine that they range in age from three to thirty-eight. Imagine that some of those people are dead asleep and do not know a movie is being played. Imagine that a very young one spies on the whole thing, but pretends to be asleep. Imagine that some of them catch only a few minutes, or the parts that interest them. Imagine that at least one part watches the whole thing, but does not speak. Imagine that there are scenes some watchers interpret one way, that others interpret the opposite way, that still others do not understand at all. Imagine that some parts hear a phrase or see a gesture that repeats and repeats in their minds.
I had to copy that image when I found it. This captures some of what it's like to be multiple. You know, the movie is 'Life', and the alters are the audience. Of course you get that. I watch most of the movie. Except sometimes I get bored and wander out to the bathroom. Or someone else in the audience is making so much noise that I pay attention to them instead of to the movie. Or occasionally, I fall asleep. Kiara's down there in the front row, watching the movie avidly. Except when there's a really kid-friendly part, and she jumps up and down watching it and yelling. Then no one's watching the movie but her. But sometimes little kids fall asleep at the movies, or have to be taken out because they're whiny or scared. I can envision Counselor, with her clipboard in hand, sitting in the back with Jarett, discussing the movie. When the movie gets fun, Sam laughs loudly with delight, distracting the rest of us from the movie. Or Rubi yells back at the screen during the intense scenes. And Silent One? Asleep far in the back corner, and we'll leave it there.
Some of my friends come and watch the movie with me. They come sit by me and watch for a while. Once in a while, someone will go sit in front with Kiara, or maybe even with Sam and Rubi. They might look around at the rest of my selves sitting in the audience, or they might ignore them all in order to watch the movie. I try to accept the various different reactions to my multiness. After all, it's my issue; I shouldn't force everyone else to deal with it unless they wish to. In fact, most people don't need to know that I have multiple personalities. It doesn't matter to my relationship with them. People at work, general acquaintances, most of the people I deal with - they just need to know I'm Me.
Then there's the folks that know I'm multiple, and acknowledge it, and then treat me exactly the same as they would if I were not. These relationships work, but won't ever be deep. Sometimes, that's fine; they don't need to have any deeper relationship with me, but need to have the information that I'm multi. Most of the kinky folk I know fit into this category. These people could just as easily have remained in the group above - oblivious and fine with that. But others are people that I thought needed the information, but then they couldn't deal with it in their relationship to me. Sometimes I feel a little betrayed by these folks. I've told them something important about myself that they've chosen to ignore - or are unable to deal with. In part, I want that special attention that says they've acknowledged this difference in me. I have an ex-boyfriend in this category. I told him, and he accepted it, but then didn't want to see a difference between Me and Sam and Kiara. He seemed confused when Sam acted a different way than he was used to Me acting. And it didn't matter how many times I explained that that was someone else he was talking to; he just didn't get it. Notice the ex- part, there.
The people I count as friends are those that have the information that I'm multiple, and will at the minimum acknowledge the fact in some way, whether by asking later to confirm who had been out, or by taking a step back to see how we're going to react when it's obvious that some shifting is going on, or by being downright curious and asking all kinds of questions about my multiplicity. I have to know my friends aren't going to flip out if Rubi starts cussing and being a bitch, or if Kiara comes to ask them to color with her. I need to be able to trust them to deal with my alters until I return, in order to really consider them friends. These are the folks I invite to hang out at Motel M and be my family in all the ways that matter.
And there are a rare few people who have developed a friendship of some sort with particular alters, enough to recognize them and call them by name. These people are extremely special to all of us, even the ones they aren't attached to. I want to be around these people more, and more, I want to talk to them and see from their perspective what it's like to be close to an alter as well as to Me. This interests me.
Imagine projecting a movie to a roomful of people. Imagine that they range in age from three to thirty-eight. Imagine that some of those people are dead asleep and do not know a movie is being played. Imagine that a very young one spies on the whole thing, but pretends to be asleep. Imagine that some of them catch only a few minutes, or the parts that interest them. Imagine that at least one part watches the whole thing, but does not speak. Imagine that there are scenes some watchers interpret one way, that others interpret the opposite way, that still others do not understand at all. Imagine that some parts hear a phrase or see a gesture that repeats and repeats in their minds.
I had to copy that image when I found it. This captures some of what it's like to be multiple. You know, the movie is 'Life', and the alters are the audience. Of course you get that. I watch most of the movie. Except sometimes I get bored and wander out to the bathroom. Or someone else in the audience is making so much noise that I pay attention to them instead of to the movie. Or occasionally, I fall asleep. Kiara's down there in the front row, watching the movie avidly. Except when there's a really kid-friendly part, and she jumps up and down watching it and yelling. Then no one's watching the movie but her. But sometimes little kids fall asleep at the movies, or have to be taken out because they're whiny or scared. I can envision Counselor, with her clipboard in hand, sitting in the back with Jarett, discussing the movie. When the movie gets fun, Sam laughs loudly with delight, distracting the rest of us from the movie. Or Rubi yells back at the screen during the intense scenes. And Silent One? Asleep far in the back corner, and we'll leave it there.
Some of my friends come and watch the movie with me. They come sit by me and watch for a while. Once in a while, someone will go sit in front with Kiara, or maybe even with Sam and Rubi. They might look around at the rest of my selves sitting in the audience, or they might ignore them all in order to watch the movie. I try to accept the various different reactions to my multiness. After all, it's my issue; I shouldn't force everyone else to deal with it unless they wish to. In fact, most people don't need to know that I have multiple personalities. It doesn't matter to my relationship with them. People at work, general acquaintances, most of the people I deal with - they just need to know I'm Me.
Then there's the folks that know I'm multiple, and acknowledge it, and then treat me exactly the same as they would if I were not. These relationships work, but won't ever be deep. Sometimes, that's fine; they don't need to have any deeper relationship with me, but need to have the information that I'm multi. Most of the kinky folk I know fit into this category. These people could just as easily have remained in the group above - oblivious and fine with that. But others are people that I thought needed the information, but then they couldn't deal with it in their relationship to me. Sometimes I feel a little betrayed by these folks. I've told them something important about myself that they've chosen to ignore - or are unable to deal with. In part, I want that special attention that says they've acknowledged this difference in me. I have an ex-boyfriend in this category. I told him, and he accepted it, but then didn't want to see a difference between Me and Sam and Kiara. He seemed confused when Sam acted a different way than he was used to Me acting. And it didn't matter how many times I explained that that was someone else he was talking to; he just didn't get it. Notice the ex- part, there.
The people I count as friends are those that have the information that I'm multiple, and will at the minimum acknowledge the fact in some way, whether by asking later to confirm who had been out, or by taking a step back to see how we're going to react when it's obvious that some shifting is going on, or by being downright curious and asking all kinds of questions about my multiplicity. I have to know my friends aren't going to flip out if Rubi starts cussing and being a bitch, or if Kiara comes to ask them to color with her. I need to be able to trust them to deal with my alters until I return, in order to really consider them friends. These are the folks I invite to hang out at Motel M and be my family in all the ways that matter.
And there are a rare few people who have developed a friendship of some sort with particular alters, enough to recognize them and call them by name. These people are extremely special to all of us, even the ones they aren't attached to. I want to be around these people more, and more, I want to talk to them and see from their perspective what it's like to be close to an alter as well as to Me. This interests me.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Names (Me)
So I occasionally get the questions about names. How did I learn the names of each of the people in my head? Did I name them, or did they come to me with those names? And being individuals, there are different answers for each of us. My name, of course, the name we all go by as a group and I use as an individual, is the name my parents gave me. No surprise there. I've thought about going by my middle name to indicate just me within the group, but that's really not my name. So we all answer to my name, including me.
For a long time, I've played various role-play games. And I've always liked names that started with a K for my female characters. Just before I started exploring being multiple, I had a few named Kara, Kera, Ki'ira and Kiara, and the like. I don't know how I picked those names, but when creating the characters, I heard those sounds very insistently in my head. So when I was trying to come up with a scene name to use in the BDSM world, I chose Kiara. And when I started acknowledging the people inside my head, one of them took on that name as her own. Maybe it was always her name.
Two more names that I heard very loudly during character creation were Jarett and Rubi. Actually, I was gettting RubI'q for a character, but that translated quite smoothly into Rubi when I started checking out these folks in my head, and Jarett as much as told me that the character got the name because it was his - spelling and all. So as it turns out, my gaming may have been a coping mechanism for the unacknowledged folks hanging around in my mind.
The other three took on, or were given, names that fit their roles. SAM is an acronym in the kink world for Smart-Assed Masochist. And she's certainly a sammie, so she accepted the name Sam as her handle. Counselor is a label, one that Counselor chooses to go by. She has said that she would go by my middle name if forced to use a name at all, but she's content to use her role as her identification. And Silent One is a label I've given that dark frightened part that doesn't communicate to the rest of us.
So there, several ways to name an alter. Use a birth name, a middle name, the name of a story or game character, or use a label that describes the alter's role, or just listen to the alter and let them tell you what their name is.
(Update - As of August 2011, Counselor will be using the name Lynn instead.)
For a long time, I've played various role-play games. And I've always liked names that started with a K for my female characters. Just before I started exploring being multiple, I had a few named Kara, Kera, Ki'ira and Kiara, and the like. I don't know how I picked those names, but when creating the characters, I heard those sounds very insistently in my head. So when I was trying to come up with a scene name to use in the BDSM world, I chose Kiara. And when I started acknowledging the people inside my head, one of them took on that name as her own. Maybe it was always her name.
Two more names that I heard very loudly during character creation were Jarett and Rubi. Actually, I was gettting RubI'q for a character, but that translated quite smoothly into Rubi when I started checking out these folks in my head, and Jarett as much as told me that the character got the name because it was his - spelling and all. So as it turns out, my gaming may have been a coping mechanism for the unacknowledged folks hanging around in my mind.
The other three took on, or were given, names that fit their roles. SAM is an acronym in the kink world for Smart-Assed Masochist. And she's certainly a sammie, so she accepted the name Sam as her handle. Counselor is a label, one that Counselor chooses to go by. She has said that she would go by my middle name if forced to use a name at all, but she's content to use her role as her identification. And Silent One is a label I've given that dark frightened part that doesn't communicate to the rest of us.
So there, several ways to name an alter. Use a birth name, a middle name, the name of a story or game character, or use a label that describes the alter's role, or just listen to the alter and let them tell you what their name is.
(Update - As of August 2011, Counselor will be using the name Lynn instead.)
A Quiet Night at Motel M (Me)
Last night was a quiet one for us. My plans got cancelled due to bad weather, which means staying home. None of us really like to stay home very much; we'd rather be out doing something. But I did dishes and laundry and picked up my house, which was getting very messy. And I reloaded my desktop computer and dealt with my crazy dog (who is getting weirder every day).
And it was just me, on my internal stage. No one else came out to take over all evening; I think everyone was pouting because our original plans got cancelled. It was kind of lonely. Is this what being a singleton is like? Would my headspace be this quiet if we integrated? No thanks, says I. Sometimes it's chaotic in my head, but at least I'm rarely lonely.
Actually, there were people at my house, just no one talking inside my head. So technically I wasn't alone, but I felt very lonely still. There are usually people at my house. A bunch of the kinky folk figured out that my home was a fun and safe place to hang out with each other, without having to be so careful what they say to whom. Sort of a Sanctuary place. There's around twenty folk that we consider family, and on any given night there might be a five or six people sleeping there. We call it Motel M, and I call them my minions, and usually they go along with that.
But last night, even the minions were quiet. There were two folk there other than me, and they watched Disney videos while I did my around-the-house-work. Whenever we passed by, we hugged each other or talked for a moment. And when the dog went bonkers again, it took all three of us to deal with him for a few minutes. But mostly, we all just did our own things. It was quiet and lonely, both in my head and in my room.
There's a lot going on at the Motel these days to keep us quiet. One of my minions just got deployed overseas, and his wife's understandably unhappy lately - and she's pregnant, to boot. There's some sickness going around taking turns wringing each of us out. And the weather keeps interfering with things, trapping us at different places and such. We need some warm weather.
And it was just me, on my internal stage. No one else came out to take over all evening; I think everyone was pouting because our original plans got cancelled. It was kind of lonely. Is this what being a singleton is like? Would my headspace be this quiet if we integrated? No thanks, says I. Sometimes it's chaotic in my head, but at least I'm rarely lonely.
Actually, there were people at my house, just no one talking inside my head. So technically I wasn't alone, but I felt very lonely still. There are usually people at my house. A bunch of the kinky folk figured out that my home was a fun and safe place to hang out with each other, without having to be so careful what they say to whom. Sort of a Sanctuary place. There's around twenty folk that we consider family, and on any given night there might be a five or six people sleeping there. We call it Motel M, and I call them my minions, and usually they go along with that.
But last night, even the minions were quiet. There were two folk there other than me, and they watched Disney videos while I did my around-the-house-work. Whenever we passed by, we hugged each other or talked for a moment. And when the dog went bonkers again, it took all three of us to deal with him for a few minutes. But mostly, we all just did our own things. It was quiet and lonely, both in my head and in my room.
There's a lot going on at the Motel these days to keep us quiet. One of my minions just got deployed overseas, and his wife's understandably unhappy lately - and she's pregnant, to boot. There's some sickness going around taking turns wringing each of us out. And the weather keeps interfering with things, trapping us at different places and such. We need some warm weather.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
An Early Journal - Explanations (Me)
When I was first working on accepting multiple personality as being part of me, I did some journalling. I dropped off doing it, as I'm afraid I may eventually do here. But I wanted to share some of it here, as it was then. Here's the story of how I got this way. At least, as I understood it a couple of years ago:
My childhood was a storybook time. I had two loving parents, went to a good school, and had a few good friends. I had piano lessons and karate classes. We had enough money, and my needs were always met, whether financial or emotional. Most of my wants were met, as well. I was a very bright child, and for the most part, happy. Not the ideal setup for a multiple personality story, is it?
Then I became a teenager. My parents split up, I got married and pregnant - though not in that order - I dropped out of school, and I found myself in a world totally alien to me. It was populated with people who yelled and hurt each other, and education might include a high school degree - might not. There was no money, and what little there was might be spent on health care. Everyone was sick, physically or mentally. Six people and two dogs in a two-bedroom house. Never a conversation conducted on a level below 'yelling'. The odor of dog permeated everything. I was learning to be a mother in this mess. A seventeen-year-old new mother with almost no support system.
But I escaped - I ran away to my Mommy, who wiped my tears, then kicked my butt until I went back to school and joined the grown-up working world. The fighting continued, but now I could call the police to help me put an end to it. And I did - on a regular basis.
That's how it started. The fights when I was married quickly developed a pattern. Baseless accusations, usually based on some imagined jealousy. Followed by insults and demotivating comments. The volume gradually got louder and louder. Finally, I've had enough. Let him/them scream yell throw things… I left. Not physically, because I couldn't. So I just shut down - I would lay down or sit, or sometimes fall on the floor. And that would be that last action that I took on my own. I would be limp and unresponsive.
Oddly enough, that didn't always end the argument. It would continue around me without me about me. I knew nothing of it, but would eventually fall asleep. The kind of sleep that you don't wake up from until you're good and ready. Smelling salts, poking, talking, water, nothing would wake me. I tell you this from what I've learned since, because I don't remember it - I wasn't there, remember?
The sleep would shift into a dream - always the dream - never did I just wake up. Awful dreams. Those I remember. Wish I didn't. Men in white lab coats chasing me down institutional corridors. A baby crying, lost inside a warehouse-huge maze of doors and hallways. Strapped to a medical chair with techs taking my blood, sticking monitors to me, cold metal. Forced into a metal tub of cold water. I never had shock therapy, not in waking. Flashbacks to over a hundred fifty years ago? Never ending the dreams until I'm screaming, crying, begging to wake up and go back to the life that's less of a nightmare than that.
I'm told sometimes I wasn't totally unresponsive. I've recovered a memory of sitting on the front porch, in pajamas, cold of winter, rocking back and forth and singing to myself. The song sounds like something of an Indian tribe, nothing I've heard before, chanting. Rocking. Not shivering in the cold. And once, the baby cried, hungry. I got up, went to her, nursed her. He tried to take her from me, afraid I would hurt her. I remember an anguished look filled with all my hate glaring at him, can't take my child from me, only I can feed her, only I can protect her, fill her with my love that he turned away in violence.
One time I awoke sitting in a wheelchair. It had been wheeled into a small concrete room ten feet square, and I faced away from the door. Empty room. Empty but for me. Cold, no one there. By the end of the day, I was admitted to the pysch ward. Wonderful pleasant week in the hospital, making moccasins for the baby to wear, drawing, eating fruit, group therapy talk time. Plenty of rest and no yelling. These doctors weren't scary. The last thing I remember them saying is, "We aren't allowed to advise you to leave your husband." They were right. The advice didn't help - I knew what had to happen already. I just wasn't ready to do it.
Knowing what I know now, I realize that was the time of splintering. Silent One was born then, out of a need to escape this alien world of loud words and violence. Oddly, I think the yelling was more traumatic for me than the violence - it was just so foreign to the way I had learned to treat people you care about.
Most multiples splinter when they are children, through years of severe sexual and emotional abuse and trauma. My clock's off; I splintered as a teenager, when my entire world went topsy-turvy. I think that's why my dissociation isn't so bad as others I've read/talked to. I'm co-conscious more often than not, and we tend to work together well. I've joked that I have DID-light.
My childhood was a storybook time. I had two loving parents, went to a good school, and had a few good friends. I had piano lessons and karate classes. We had enough money, and my needs were always met, whether financial or emotional. Most of my wants were met, as well. I was a very bright child, and for the most part, happy. Not the ideal setup for a multiple personality story, is it?
Then I became a teenager. My parents split up, I got married and pregnant - though not in that order - I dropped out of school, and I found myself in a world totally alien to me. It was populated with people who yelled and hurt each other, and education might include a high school degree - might not. There was no money, and what little there was might be spent on health care. Everyone was sick, physically or mentally. Six people and two dogs in a two-bedroom house. Never a conversation conducted on a level below 'yelling'. The odor of dog permeated everything. I was learning to be a mother in this mess. A seventeen-year-old new mother with almost no support system.
But I escaped - I ran away to my Mommy, who wiped my tears, then kicked my butt until I went back to school and joined the grown-up working world. The fighting continued, but now I could call the police to help me put an end to it. And I did - on a regular basis.
That's how it started. The fights when I was married quickly developed a pattern. Baseless accusations, usually based on some imagined jealousy. Followed by insults and demotivating comments. The volume gradually got louder and louder. Finally, I've had enough. Let him/them scream yell throw things… I left. Not physically, because I couldn't. So I just shut down - I would lay down or sit, or sometimes fall on the floor. And that would be that last action that I took on my own. I would be limp and unresponsive.
Oddly enough, that didn't always end the argument. It would continue around me without me about me. I knew nothing of it, but would eventually fall asleep. The kind of sleep that you don't wake up from until you're good and ready. Smelling salts, poking, talking, water, nothing would wake me. I tell you this from what I've learned since, because I don't remember it - I wasn't there, remember?
The sleep would shift into a dream - always the dream - never did I just wake up. Awful dreams. Those I remember. Wish I didn't. Men in white lab coats chasing me down institutional corridors. A baby crying, lost inside a warehouse-huge maze of doors and hallways. Strapped to a medical chair with techs taking my blood, sticking monitors to me, cold metal. Forced into a metal tub of cold water. I never had shock therapy, not in waking. Flashbacks to over a hundred fifty years ago? Never ending the dreams until I'm screaming, crying, begging to wake up and go back to the life that's less of a nightmare than that.
I'm told sometimes I wasn't totally unresponsive. I've recovered a memory of sitting on the front porch, in pajamas, cold of winter, rocking back and forth and singing to myself. The song sounds like something of an Indian tribe, nothing I've heard before, chanting. Rocking. Not shivering in the cold. And once, the baby cried, hungry. I got up, went to her, nursed her. He tried to take her from me, afraid I would hurt her. I remember an anguished look filled with all my hate glaring at him, can't take my child from me, only I can feed her, only I can protect her, fill her with my love that he turned away in violence.
One time I awoke sitting in a wheelchair. It had been wheeled into a small concrete room ten feet square, and I faced away from the door. Empty room. Empty but for me. Cold, no one there. By the end of the day, I was admitted to the pysch ward. Wonderful pleasant week in the hospital, making moccasins for the baby to wear, drawing, eating fruit, group therapy talk time. Plenty of rest and no yelling. These doctors weren't scary. The last thing I remember them saying is, "We aren't allowed to advise you to leave your husband." They were right. The advice didn't help - I knew what had to happen already. I just wasn't ready to do it.
Knowing what I know now, I realize that was the time of splintering. Silent One was born then, out of a need to escape this alien world of loud words and violence. Oddly, I think the yelling was more traumatic for me than the violence - it was just so foreign to the way I had learned to treat people you care about.
Most multiples splinter when they are children, through years of severe sexual and emotional abuse and trauma. My clock's off; I splintered as a teenager, when my entire world went topsy-turvy. I think that's why my dissociation isn't so bad as others I've read/talked to. I'm co-conscious more often than not, and we tend to work together well. I've joked that I have DID-light.
Diagnosis and Therapy (Me)
I am self-diagnosed with multiple personalities. I noticed certain symptoms in myself, and started trying to make those puzzle pieces fit a reasonable explanation of what was happening to me.
There were periods of time where I just really couldn't remember what had happened. Say I was at work, and I clearly remember getting in my car and pulling out of the parking lot... and then I remember eating dinner. How did I drive home? Who fixed dinner? Or people would tell me they'd sent me a text or talked to me on the phone, and my phone would hold proof of it, but I didn't remember the conversation. Or I'd remember that the conversation occured, and the key information, but not actually remember the conversation. I get a lot of that - the outline of what happened. Now I know this is because Counselor 'takes notes' and puts that information in my memory.
I also noted some extreme behavioral changes in myself - some that I couldn't control. Have you ever been on painkillers or other drugs, and been just out of it enough to watch yourself talk funny or walk funny, and been unable to stop it? That was happening to me pretty frequently - except without the drugs. Worse, there were times that I was just plain hateful to someone, and ten minutes later was being all cute and sweet and childish. Neither of those behavior patterns is typical of me. I'm just not 'cute' - or hateful - most of the time.
So I started looking for an explanation. Not just 'I'm crazy', because that's not detailed enough to help out. But I started doing research into mental conditions that cause those kinds of issues. And I found MPD - Multiple Personality Disorder. Only now they call it DID - Dissociative Identity Disorder. I tried on a couple of other conditions, that just didn't fit. But MPD seemed to fit better. I didn't want to accept it, but I couldn't find a better solution. So then I tried the opposite approach. I decided to assume that I was multiple and try to prove myself wrong. And I couldn't do it.
So aside from the memory blackouts and personality swings, other things led me to accept the multiple personalities. I could hear voices in my head talking to me and discussing things - but I thought everyone did that. Some electronic equipment doesn't work well for me - I blow out speakers on computers and phones all the time, and wristwatches are just jewelry. My eyes change color when I shift, my allergies act differently, my pain tolerances differ. Drug reactions differ, body language and accent change.
MPD and DID both include the term Disorder. Many multiples that I've met (mostly online) shy away from using MPD or DID to describe themselves because of this. A disorder is generally thought of to be something that hampers normal functioning. But the Medical Dictionary says it is "a derangement or abnormality of function." I'll be the first to admit that this multiplicity of mine isn't normal. So yes, I'm disordered - and occasionally disorderly, as well.
I have not sought out a therapist - or psychologist, psychiatrist, or any other head doctor - for my multiplicity. To be honest, the idea frightens me - several of me. From all I have read/researched, it sounds like it is very hard to convince a therapist that multiple personality is the problem to start with. They want to go with bipolar, depression, and everything but multiple personality. Most likely because most of those things can be treated with drugs. Drugs tend to work rather erratically on multiples. They'll put one alter into a stupor, make another hyper, and have no effect at all on a third. So drugs are out.
And once the therapist is convinced that DID is the issue, the knee-jerk reaction seems to be integration - combining and eliminating the alters until only the core personality remains. I don't want to be a singleton again. Having accepted my headmates, I like them there, and don't want them to go away. Understandably, the idea frightens them even more. Oh, and there's also the issue of my kink - will a therapist want to 'fix' that as well?
There are advantages to going to therapy. By having an official diagnosis, I would be afforded a tiny bit of protection by the ADA. But really, I'm skeptical of that protecting me much. There are easy ways around it. I might actually get some help that I didn't realize I needed; some actual help could come out of it. But I'm pretty happy and stable for now. Though of course that can change. I recognize that having my own Counselor in my head isn't really a substitute for professional therapy; it's something I should do. But I keep putting it off.
There were periods of time where I just really couldn't remember what had happened. Say I was at work, and I clearly remember getting in my car and pulling out of the parking lot... and then I remember eating dinner. How did I drive home? Who fixed dinner? Or people would tell me they'd sent me a text or talked to me on the phone, and my phone would hold proof of it, but I didn't remember the conversation. Or I'd remember that the conversation occured, and the key information, but not actually remember the conversation. I get a lot of that - the outline of what happened. Now I know this is because Counselor 'takes notes' and puts that information in my memory.
I also noted some extreme behavioral changes in myself - some that I couldn't control. Have you ever been on painkillers or other drugs, and been just out of it enough to watch yourself talk funny or walk funny, and been unable to stop it? That was happening to me pretty frequently - except without the drugs. Worse, there were times that I was just plain hateful to someone, and ten minutes later was being all cute and sweet and childish. Neither of those behavior patterns is typical of me. I'm just not 'cute' - or hateful - most of the time.
So I started looking for an explanation. Not just 'I'm crazy', because that's not detailed enough to help out. But I started doing research into mental conditions that cause those kinds of issues. And I found MPD - Multiple Personality Disorder. Only now they call it DID - Dissociative Identity Disorder. I tried on a couple of other conditions, that just didn't fit. But MPD seemed to fit better. I didn't want to accept it, but I couldn't find a better solution. So then I tried the opposite approach. I decided to assume that I was multiple and try to prove myself wrong. And I couldn't do it.
So aside from the memory blackouts and personality swings, other things led me to accept the multiple personalities. I could hear voices in my head talking to me and discussing things - but I thought everyone did that. Some electronic equipment doesn't work well for me - I blow out speakers on computers and phones all the time, and wristwatches are just jewelry. My eyes change color when I shift, my allergies act differently, my pain tolerances differ. Drug reactions differ, body language and accent change.
MPD and DID both include the term Disorder. Many multiples that I've met (mostly online) shy away from using MPD or DID to describe themselves because of this. A disorder is generally thought of to be something that hampers normal functioning. But the Medical Dictionary says it is "a derangement or abnormality of function." I'll be the first to admit that this multiplicity of mine isn't normal. So yes, I'm disordered - and occasionally disorderly, as well.
I have not sought out a therapist - or psychologist, psychiatrist, or any other head doctor - for my multiplicity. To be honest, the idea frightens me - several of me. From all I have read/researched, it sounds like it is very hard to convince a therapist that multiple personality is the problem to start with. They want to go with bipolar, depression, and everything but multiple personality. Most likely because most of those things can be treated with drugs. Drugs tend to work rather erratically on multiples. They'll put one alter into a stupor, make another hyper, and have no effect at all on a third. So drugs are out.
And once the therapist is convinced that DID is the issue, the knee-jerk reaction seems to be integration - combining and eliminating the alters until only the core personality remains. I don't want to be a singleton again. Having accepted my headmates, I like them there, and don't want them to go away. Understandably, the idea frightens them even more. Oh, and there's also the issue of my kink - will a therapist want to 'fix' that as well?
There are advantages to going to therapy. By having an official diagnosis, I would be afforded a tiny bit of protection by the ADA. But really, I'm skeptical of that protecting me much. There are easy ways around it. I might actually get some help that I didn't realize I needed; some actual help could come out of it. But I'm pretty happy and stable for now. Though of course that can change. I recognize that having my own Counselor in my head isn't really a substitute for professional therapy; it's something I should do. But I keep putting it off.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
I'm Kinky, She's Kinky, He's Not Kinky (Me)
So for the last couple of years, since right before I realized I was multiple, I've been identifying myself as kinky. I go to a BDSM club most weekends, and most of the people I hang out with are kinky folks. For the uninitiated, this means that I like to hang out with people that are into some behaviors that 'normal society' might not approve of. We like to tie each other up, beat on each other, or follow some behavior protocols that might not be typical at your house. We're very careful about not harming each other, and we realize that, after all, it's all a big game. And I've found that most kinky people are much more open-minded, at ease with each other's quirks, and pretty introspective. But how does this fit in with being multiple?
The BDSM world is a good place for multiples. Kinky folks are accustomed to seeing each other take on different roles and behavior sets. And as a group, they believe that just because something doesn't work for them, doesn't mean it's bad for you. So if I want to call myself Jarett and dress as a man one evening, they'll call me by that name and treat me as a man, no problem. And kinky folks are okay with using an alternate name when at the club - many people do so for privacy reasons. Or, when I tell my kinky friends that I'm multiple, the reaction is more likely to be curiousity than anything else. There is an implicit permission to be someone else for whatever reason. That doesn't mean we are all kinky. It does mean that we like hanging out with kinky folk, but not all of us enjoy the same kinds of activities.
A certain amount of BDSM is about playing with pain - pushing your body and mind to see what it can and will take, and enjoying the endorphins that come from that. Some people hit the punching bag; some people like to be the punching bag. Sam and I both enjoy playing with pain a lot. We like being beaten - within very defined safety limits - and will laugh and encourage the person doing so to continue. Sam and I tend to overlap a lot and react very similarly during pain-play. I find that I like it a bit lighter; something along the lines of a heavy massage is perfect for me. Sam likes it a little more intense; she is either pushing our body to see how much she can stand or trying to push the person we're playing with to see how much she can get away with. When the intensity steps up another notch, we'll shift to Rubi. Rubi doesn't play with the pain to enjoy it; she wants to suffer or cause suffering. The suffering is what rewards her and drives her. It's a good outlet for the dark emo part of my psyche that she has taken as her own.
Another huge part of BDSM is role-play. 'Let's Pretend' isn't just for kids. People pretend to be animals, slaves, the opposite gender, different ages, and generally take on different roles. The pretend can be very lighthearted or very deep and serious. And kinky folk encourage and participate in others' pretenses. Kiara interacts with the kink world in a different way from Sam or Rubi or I. She doesn't like pain at all, but she loves to be hugged and petted on and cuddled. She is a little girl, and kinky folk will treat her as a little girl. They will read her bedtime stories, and color with her, and talk to her the same way you would talk with any other six-year-old. Completely discounting the fact that the body she's in is that of an adult.
That leaves three more of us. Jarett doesn't really seem to approve of this kinky stuff. He doesn't want to try any of it. However, I have cross-dressed to go out with kinky folk, and Jarett flitted on- and off-stage pretty frequently. These are folks that will accept him, regardless of the body he's in. Counselor rarely takes control of the body anyway; and she encourages anything that works to keep us happy in ourself (ourself - is that a legitimate word even? Or should it be myselves?). She observes, and will step in if she thinks there is a safety issue. And then there's Silent One. There would have to be something terribly horribly wrong for this one to come out at all; so of course there's no participation from it in my kink.
So kink isn't for all of us; but it's good therapy for some of us. We can each pursue our own interests and shift as needed to play together. And kinky people accept me for whoever we might be at the moment.
The BDSM world is a good place for multiples. Kinky folks are accustomed to seeing each other take on different roles and behavior sets. And as a group, they believe that just because something doesn't work for them, doesn't mean it's bad for you. So if I want to call myself Jarett and dress as a man one evening, they'll call me by that name and treat me as a man, no problem. And kinky folks are okay with using an alternate name when at the club - many people do so for privacy reasons. Or, when I tell my kinky friends that I'm multiple, the reaction is more likely to be curiousity than anything else. There is an implicit permission to be someone else for whatever reason. That doesn't mean we are all kinky. It does mean that we like hanging out with kinky folk, but not all of us enjoy the same kinds of activities.
A certain amount of BDSM is about playing with pain - pushing your body and mind to see what it can and will take, and enjoying the endorphins that come from that. Some people hit the punching bag; some people like to be the punching bag. Sam and I both enjoy playing with pain a lot. We like being beaten - within very defined safety limits - and will laugh and encourage the person doing so to continue. Sam and I tend to overlap a lot and react very similarly during pain-play. I find that I like it a bit lighter; something along the lines of a heavy massage is perfect for me. Sam likes it a little more intense; she is either pushing our body to see how much she can stand or trying to push the person we're playing with to see how much she can get away with. When the intensity steps up another notch, we'll shift to Rubi. Rubi doesn't play with the pain to enjoy it; she wants to suffer or cause suffering. The suffering is what rewards her and drives her. It's a good outlet for the dark emo part of my psyche that she has taken as her own.
Another huge part of BDSM is role-play. 'Let's Pretend' isn't just for kids. People pretend to be animals, slaves, the opposite gender, different ages, and generally take on different roles. The pretend can be very lighthearted or very deep and serious. And kinky folk encourage and participate in others' pretenses. Kiara interacts with the kink world in a different way from Sam or Rubi or I. She doesn't like pain at all, but she loves to be hugged and petted on and cuddled. She is a little girl, and kinky folk will treat her as a little girl. They will read her bedtime stories, and color with her, and talk to her the same way you would talk with any other six-year-old. Completely discounting the fact that the body she's in is that of an adult.
That leaves three more of us. Jarett doesn't really seem to approve of this kinky stuff. He doesn't want to try any of it. However, I have cross-dressed to go out with kinky folk, and Jarett flitted on- and off-stage pretty frequently. These are folks that will accept him, regardless of the body he's in. Counselor rarely takes control of the body anyway; and she encourages anything that works to keep us happy in ourself (ourself - is that a legitimate word even? Or should it be myselves?). She observes, and will step in if she thinks there is a safety issue. And then there's Silent One. There would have to be something terribly horribly wrong for this one to come out at all; so of course there's no participation from it in my kink.
So kink isn't for all of us; but it's good therapy for some of us. We can each pursue our own interests and shift as needed to play together. And kinky people accept me for whoever we might be at the moment.
Introductions & Terms (Me)
Today I promised introductions all around. There are seven folks inside my head, and yes, I've gotten to know most of them pretty well since we first started to acknowledge each other. Just imagine living with sixth other people, all sharing a bedroom. Eating most of your meals together, spending most of your time together. Having to negotiate who's turn it is to talk and who gets to control the TV remote, work the computer, or drive the car. You really become familiar with each other. These short descriptions can't begin to really describe each of us, but they'll serve as a quick reference.
Me - I'm the core personality, the 'original', if you will. At the moment, I'm thinking I may not use my given name here, in some mild attempt to protect my privacy a little. I suspect it's a losing battle that I'll give up. But for now, I'm just Me. I'm in charge around here - usually. I have a job and a family and hobbies and interests and friends, just like everyone else.
Kiara - my inner kid, who isn't always so 'inner'. She used to be rarely out, but she's grown brave in the last few months, and now she's probably out more than anyone else. When I first 'met' her (some words just really are inadequate for this), Ki slid between 8 and 11 years of age. I don't know why those ages, but she was very insistent that she was eight, or that she was eleven. But then she tried 6, and loved it. So for now, six years old is where she seems to be staying. She loves to have people read her stories and pet on her, and she loves coloring and shopping.
Sam - the bratty part of me. I'm pretty sarcastic and likely to tease; Sam takes it to a higher level. She's the primary sexual persona, as well. She's even more of a masochist than I am, and an attention hog as well - she will poke, prod, and pinch until she gets the attention she craves. She laughs a lot, and gets bored easily.
Rubi - the rebellious teen. You know that sullen emotional kid that stands in the corner and glares at the adults, just for the sin of being an adult? That's Rubi, seventeen and mad at the world. She has a lot of tendencies toward being self-destructive, or at least destructive. She takes over when the pain gets to be too much for Sam. Being depressed or angry will open the door for her to run things.
Update - Cherish - the slave personality. She came to our awareness later, in August 2011. She has trouble making choices on her own, but follows where she is led. She is at peace when submitting to her Master, but terrified if she has to deal with anyone else.
Jarett - the only male persona. He's pretty stereotypically hetero male, but a bit insecure at having the wrong equipment. It's been difficult to encourage him to take a turn being 'out', but his huge sense of responsibility for us all is usually the trigger to use. He often takes over the duties of driving for us.
Counselor - our manager (or babysitter). She is always observing us, and keeps a kind of running report in our head of events and conversations that we need to be aware of. She's there for advice, whether for one of us, or someone else. She has a very motherly personality, and likes to help things go smoothly. (Update - As of August 2011, Counselor will be using the name Lynn instead.)
Update - Paul- the boy. He came to our awareness in January 2012. He's an eleven-year-old boy with a strong memory of regular abuse. He's got some of Sam's snarkiness, but he's still young enough to need adult approval.
Silent One - This is an alter that doesn't come out except in moments of extreme trauma. In the past, when marital abuse became too much, everyone else 'checked out' and left this one to react. Reactions are minimal, usually consisting of a nearly catatonic state. It has only showed up a couple of times in the past several years.
Update - Gracelyn Rose - the lady. She came to awareness in February 2012. She is ladylike, proper, and well-behaved, and is drawn to the scent of roses.
Vocabulary List
There are some terms I'll use that may not mean quite the same thing to a singleton (that's all you non-multis out there) as they do to me. A quick list:
MPD, DID, multiplicity - Multiple Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder - the condition that makes me this way
alter, persona, personality - each of the seven alternate personalities
out, in front, on stage, driving - refers to the alter that is in control of the body and behavior at the moment
dissociation - the state of not being in control of the body, can include a lack of memory of that time
co-consciousness - Sometimes more than one alter is sharing control
shifting, switching, flipping - changing control from one alter to another. Sometimes it's a hard switch, very sudden. Other times it's a gentle shift from one to another
I'm no longer going to update the list of alters here - please see the introduction page for the list.
Me - I'm the core personality, the 'original', if you will. At the moment, I'm thinking I may not use my given name here, in some mild attempt to protect my privacy a little. I suspect it's a losing battle that I'll give up. But for now, I'm just Me. I'm in charge around here - usually. I have a job and a family and hobbies and interests and friends, just like everyone else.
Kiara - my inner kid, who isn't always so 'inner'. She used to be rarely out, but she's grown brave in the last few months, and now she's probably out more than anyone else. When I first 'met' her (some words just really are inadequate for this), Ki slid between 8 and 11 years of age. I don't know why those ages, but she was very insistent that she was eight, or that she was eleven. But then she tried 6, and loved it. So for now, six years old is where she seems to be staying. She loves to have people read her stories and pet on her, and she loves coloring and shopping.
Sam - the bratty part of me. I'm pretty sarcastic and likely to tease; Sam takes it to a higher level. She's the primary sexual persona, as well. She's even more of a masochist than I am, and an attention hog as well - she will poke, prod, and pinch until she gets the attention she craves. She laughs a lot, and gets bored easily.
Rubi - the rebellious teen. You know that sullen emotional kid that stands in the corner and glares at the adults, just for the sin of being an adult? That's Rubi, seventeen and mad at the world. She has a lot of tendencies toward being self-destructive, or at least destructive. She takes over when the pain gets to be too much for Sam. Being depressed or angry will open the door for her to run things.
Update - Cherish - the slave personality. She came to our awareness later, in August 2011. She has trouble making choices on her own, but follows where she is led. She is at peace when submitting to her Master, but terrified if she has to deal with anyone else.
Jarett - the only male persona. He's pretty stereotypically hetero male, but a bit insecure at having the wrong equipment. It's been difficult to encourage him to take a turn being 'out', but his huge sense of responsibility for us all is usually the trigger to use. He often takes over the duties of driving for us.
Counselor - our manager (or babysitter). She is always observing us, and keeps a kind of running report in our head of events and conversations that we need to be aware of. She's there for advice, whether for one of us, or someone else. She has a very motherly personality, and likes to help things go smoothly. (Update - As of August 2011, Counselor will be using the name Lynn instead.)
Update - Paul- the boy. He came to our awareness in January 2012. He's an eleven-year-old boy with a strong memory of regular abuse. He's got some of Sam's snarkiness, but he's still young enough to need adult approval.
Silent One - This is an alter that doesn't come out except in moments of extreme trauma. In the past, when marital abuse became too much, everyone else 'checked out' and left this one to react. Reactions are minimal, usually consisting of a nearly catatonic state. It has only showed up a couple of times in the past several years.
Update - Gracelyn Rose - the lady. She came to awareness in February 2012. She is ladylike, proper, and well-behaved, and is drawn to the scent of roses.
Vocabulary List
There are some terms I'll use that may not mean quite the same thing to a singleton (that's all you non-multis out there) as they do to me. A quick list:
MPD, DID, multiplicity - Multiple Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder - the condition that makes me this way
alter, persona, personality - each of the seven alternate personalities
out, in front, on stage, driving - refers to the alter that is in control of the body and behavior at the moment
dissociation - the state of not being in control of the body, can include a lack of memory of that time
co-consciousness - Sometimes more than one alter is sharing control
shifting, switching, flipping - changing control from one alter to another. Sometimes it's a hard switch, very sudden. Other times it's a gentle shift from one to another
I'm no longer going to update the list of alters here - please see the introduction page for the list.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
How Do I Get Started? (Me)
I'm not really sure how to get started on this blogging process. In a way I feel like I really need to have done this from the beginning, or it's not going to make sense. And it may not. The first bunch of posts may be wildly out of order and hard to understand, as I sort myself out.
But I was reading back through the blogs from Poly Mom, and it got me to thinking. She said in her profile, "Having found precious little to connect me with the experiences of others who are polyamorous moms, I decided to start my Poly Mom blog. I am documenting my experiences as I raise my family, and as I interact with others who may or may not be supportive of our choices. I hope to find people who can relate to me online, since so few people understand polyamory in real life."
I get that. My lifestyle is... unique (just like everyone else's). Blogging my experience may help me sort through things in my own mind. And just maybe it will help someone else. Maybe it will be of interest to someone who is discovering that they are multi, or that someone they care about is. Or it may be of academic interest to someone. I'm open to answering questions, certainly. Mostly I expect to use this blog to do some thinking out loud. Save my friends from having to listen to my long self-dissections.
I'm sure I won't be sticking to just the topic of being multiple. We're also kinky, and we lean toward being polyamorous. All these things overlap and affect each other. I may post several times in a day, or I might go weeks without. I'll try to hold myself to a minimum of once a week. A warning about pronouns... I/me/my could refer to just Me, the main/core personality, or could refer to the collective group of us. We/us/our would be for two or more of us, not just an individual personality. And some of the other personalities may choose to post from time to time - we'll try to assign a name in the title of each post, I think. So, I've put (Me) in this title, and will sign off for now. Tomorrow, introductions to the crowd!
But I was reading back through the blogs from Poly Mom, and it got me to thinking. She said in her profile, "Having found precious little to connect me with the experiences of others who are polyamorous moms, I decided to start my Poly Mom blog. I am documenting my experiences as I raise my family, and as I interact with others who may or may not be supportive of our choices. I hope to find people who can relate to me online, since so few people understand polyamory in real life."
I get that. My lifestyle is... unique (just like everyone else's). Blogging my experience may help me sort through things in my own mind. And just maybe it will help someone else. Maybe it will be of interest to someone who is discovering that they are multi, or that someone they care about is. Or it may be of academic interest to someone. I'm open to answering questions, certainly. Mostly I expect to use this blog to do some thinking out loud. Save my friends from having to listen to my long self-dissections.
I'm sure I won't be sticking to just the topic of being multiple. We're also kinky, and we lean toward being polyamorous. All these things overlap and affect each other. I may post several times in a day, or I might go weeks without. I'll try to hold myself to a minimum of once a week. A warning about pronouns... I/me/my could refer to just Me, the main/core personality, or could refer to the collective group of us. We/us/our would be for two or more of us, not just an individual personality. And some of the other personalities may choose to post from time to time - we'll try to assign a name in the title of each post, I think. So, I've put (Me) in this title, and will sign off for now. Tomorrow, introductions to the crowd!
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