Let's Go To The Movies (Me)

Excerpt from The Magic Daughter by Jane Phillips
Imagine projecting a movie to a roomful of people. Imagine that they range in age from three to thirty-eight. Imagine that some of those people are dead asleep and do not know a movie is being played. Imagine that a very young one spies on the whole thing, but pretends to be asleep. Imagine that some of them catch only a few minutes, or the parts that interest them. Imagine that at least one part watches the whole thing, but does not speak. Imagine that there are scenes some watchers interpret one way, that others interpret the opposite way, that still others do not understand at all. Imagine that some parts hear a phrase or see a gesture that repeats and repeats in their minds.

I had to copy that image when I found it. This captures some of what it's like to be multiple. You know, the movie is 'Life', and the alters are the audience. Of course you get that. I watch most of the movie. Except sometimes I get bored and wander out to the bathroom. Or someone else in the audience is making so much noise that I pay attention to them instead of to the movie. Or occasionally, I fall asleep. Kiara's down there in the front row, watching the movie avidly. Except when there's a really kid-friendly part, and she jumps up and down watching it and yelling. Then no one's watching the movie but her. But sometimes little kids fall asleep at the movies, or have to be taken out because they're whiny or scared. I can envision Counselor, with her clipboard in hand, sitting in the back with Jarett, discussing the movie. When the movie gets fun, Sam laughs loudly with delight, distracting the rest of us from the movie. Or Rubi yells back at the screen during the intense scenes. And Silent One? Asleep far in the back corner, and we'll leave it there.

Some of my friends come and watch the movie with me. They come sit by me and watch for a while. Once in a while, someone will go sit in front with Kiara, or maybe even with Sam and Rubi. They might look around at the rest of my selves sitting in the audience, or they might ignore them all in order to watch the movie. I try to accept the various different reactions to my multiness. After all, it's my issue; I shouldn't force everyone else to deal with it unless they wish to. In fact, most people don't need to know that I have multiple personalities. It doesn't matter to my relationship with them. People at work, general acquaintances, most of the people I deal with - they just need to know I'm Me.

Then there's the folks that know I'm multiple, and acknowledge it, and then treat me exactly the same as they would if I were not. These relationships work, but won't ever be deep. Sometimes, that's fine; they don't need to have any deeper relationship with me, but need to have the information that I'm multi. Most of the kinky folk I know fit into this category. These people could just as easily have remained in the group above - oblivious and fine with that. But others are people that I thought needed the information, but then they couldn't deal with it in their relationship to me. Sometimes I feel a little betrayed by these folks. I've told them something important about myself that they've chosen to ignore - or are unable to deal with. In part, I want that special attention that says they've acknowledged this difference in me. I have an ex-boyfriend in this category. I told him, and he accepted it, but then didn't want to see a difference between Me and Sam and Kiara. He seemed confused when Sam acted a different way than he was used to Me acting. And it didn't matter how many times I explained that that was someone else he was talking to; he just didn't get it. Notice the ex- part, there.

The people I count as friends are those that have the information that I'm multiple, and will at the minimum acknowledge the fact in some way, whether by asking later to confirm who had been out, or by taking a step back to see how we're going to react when it's obvious that some shifting is going on, or by being downright curious and asking all kinds of questions about my multiplicity. I have to know my friends aren't going to flip out if Rubi starts cussing and being a bitch, or if Kiara comes to ask them to color with her. I need to be able to trust them to deal with my alters until I return, in order to really consider them friends. These are the folks I invite to hang out at Motel M and be my family in all the ways that matter.

And there are a rare few people who have developed a friendship of some sort with particular alters, enough to recognize them and call them by name. These people are extremely special to all of us, even the ones they aren't attached to. I want to be around these people more, and more, I want to talk to them and see from their perspective what it's like to be close to an alter as well as to Me. This interests me.