Diagnosis and Therapy (Me)

I am self-diagnosed with multiple personalities. I noticed certain symptoms in myself, and started trying to make those puzzle pieces fit a reasonable explanation of what was happening to me.

There were periods of time where I just really couldn't remember what had happened. Say I was at work, and I clearly remember getting in my car and pulling out of the parking lot... and then I remember eating dinner. How did I drive home? Who fixed dinner? Or people would tell me they'd sent me a text or talked to me on the phone, and my phone would hold proof of it, but I didn't remember the conversation. Or I'd remember that the conversation occured, and the key information, but not actually remember the conversation. I get a lot of that - the outline of what happened. Now I know this is because Counselor 'takes notes' and puts that information in my memory.

I also noted some extreme behavioral changes in myself - some that I couldn't control. Have you ever been on painkillers or other drugs, and been just out of it enough to watch yourself talk funny or walk funny, and been unable to stop it? That was happening to me pretty frequently - except without the drugs. Worse, there were times that I was just plain hateful to someone, and ten minutes later was being all cute and sweet and childish. Neither of those behavior patterns is typical of me. I'm just not 'cute' - or hateful - most of the time.

So I started looking for an explanation. Not just 'I'm crazy', because that's not detailed enough to help out. But I started doing research into mental conditions that cause those kinds of issues. And I found MPD - Multiple Personality Disorder. Only now they call it DID - Dissociative Identity Disorder. I tried on a couple of other conditions, that just didn't fit. But MPD seemed to fit better. I didn't want to accept it, but I couldn't find a better solution. So then I tried the opposite approach. I decided to assume that I was multiple and try to prove myself wrong. And I couldn't do it.

So aside from the memory blackouts and personality swings, other things led me to accept the multiple personalities. I could hear voices in my head talking to me and discussing things - but I thought everyone did that. Some electronic equipment doesn't work well for me - I blow out speakers on computers and phones all the time, and wristwatches are just jewelry. My eyes change color when I shift, my allergies act differently, my pain tolerances differ. Drug reactions differ, body language and accent change.

MPD and DID both include the term Disorder. Many multiples that I've met (mostly online) shy away from using MPD or DID to describe themselves because of this. A disorder is generally thought of to be something that hampers normal functioning. But the Medical Dictionary says it is "a derangement or abnormality of function." I'll be the first to admit that this multiplicity of mine isn't normal. So yes, I'm disordered - and occasionally disorderly, as well.

I have not sought out a therapist - or psychologist, psychiatrist, or any other head doctor - for my multiplicity. To be honest, the idea frightens me - several of me. From all I have read/researched, it sounds like it is very hard to convince a therapist that multiple personality is the problem to start with. They want to go with bipolar, depression, and everything but multiple personality. Most likely because most of those things can be treated with drugs. Drugs tend to work rather erratically on multiples. They'll put one alter into a stupor, make another hyper, and have no effect at all on a third. So drugs are out.

And once the therapist is convinced that DID is the issue, the knee-jerk reaction seems to be integration - combining and eliminating the alters until only the core personality remains. I don't want to be a singleton again. Having accepted my headmates, I like them there, and don't want them to go away. Understandably, the idea frightens them even more. Oh, and there's also the issue of my kink - will a therapist want to 'fix' that as well?

There are advantages to going to therapy. By having an official diagnosis, I would be afforded a tiny bit of protection by the ADA. But really, I'm skeptical of that protecting me much. There are easy ways around it. I might actually get some help that I didn't realize I needed; some actual help could come out of it. But I'm pretty happy and stable for now. Though of course that can change. I recognize that having my own Counselor in my head isn't really a substitute for professional therapy; it's something I should do. But I keep putting it off.