Redesign In Progress [Me]

Enough of the incipient redesign has come to light that we can share it. We do not have a new alter emerging; instead we will be decreasing in number. Two changes, really. First, Jarett has decided to go dormant. Not to disappear completely, but to 'close up shop' and shut down for the time being. Second, Lynn and Grace have decided to combine together as Gracelyn.

Jarett has never been comfortable being an alter. He's very male, and this body frustrates him to no end. Not just because of the sexual equipment, but other things. I'm too short, have curves and soft spots in the wrong places, hair that has to removed and hair that's missing. The muscles don't work correctly, and I even smell wrong. Everything I wear, though not truly girly, is certainly not masculine. Even when he can ignore the body issues, he's truly uncomfortable with my/our lifestyle. The kink bothers him, the poly bothers him. He hates the idea of sharing so much physically. Which has led him to withdraw more and more. The one thing he has been doing is driving. So he's been little more than a chauffeur. And that's not enough.

Lynn and Grace have also both expressed frustration with their limited scope of responsibilities within the system. Lynn has been observing, and she and I have had lots of conversation about how to keep the system in it's healthiest state. She comes out when someone needs comforting, to play Mom and say 'there, there'. But that's really about it. Grace emerged since our collaring to handle things like dressing up and makeup, and more recently, any housework we need to do. But that's still a fairly limited range of being, especially for me. She hasn't really found being part of us to be very interesting. The two of them do have a lot in common. They are the two non-sexual parts; both like to remain fully clothed and avoid sexual/romantic turns of conversation. They are both involved in organizing our life, one inside, one out. They both have slight accents, just as a side.

And so, the two ladies have decided to try joining forces. As a combined single alter, they can organize both inside and out, maintain our appearance, cook and clean, and generally be a housewife to Boss. They can also take over Jarett's driving duties, releasing him from his single responsibility. We've started the process; they are discussing which parts of each will be dominant. And we've started working on a pinboard for the two of them combined. Jarett's board will remain whole, but inactive.

We told Boss last night how the reorganization is looking. We had told him a few days back that something was imminent. And he stressed about it and asked over and over about it from one conversation to the other. We want to keep him informed so that we aren't surprising him, but we also want to wait until there's some answer to give him before we let him know there's something going on. It's a challenge to balance, one that I suspect has no winning strategy. But we gave him the outline last night, and have talked about it on and off with him since. He didn't take it well. Remember that our metamour, his other girlfriend, is also multiple. Rearranging for her has historically been very stressful and negative for him. I think his negative reaction to our rearrangement was more of a knee-jerk reaction than anything else.

But he has a female alter that has tried to be close to Jarett. And she was very understandably crushed that he was leaving. However, they really haven't interacted in weeks, perhaps months. Before that, they were trying to create some sort of relationship. But the wrongness of being both in opposite bodies was too much for Jarett. And he had trouble with her relationships with others of my alters, let alone with our metamour's alters. His discomfort just ran too deep. So I'm hoping to spend more time with her over the next days to help her deal with him leaving. I don't know what else I can do for her.

It's Coming... [Me]

Something is coming, some change. I'm not sure what it is, and avoiding worrying about it has kept me from blogging. Also, how do I write about something that I'm not sure what it is? There's a note on the internal whiteboard that some sort of internal reorganization may be underway. The last few times that's happened, we've increased in number. Isn't ten enough people to have in my head? Anyway, I haven't really heard any new voices, so maybe it's something else. I did see Kiara playing around a few weeks ago, moving around pieces of paper on the floor with everyone's names written on them; I don't know if that's related. But there are definitely symptoms of 'Change on the Horizon'.

Last weekend, I had a pretty bad breakdown. Sunday morning we went to a birthday party, but I really wasn't in any shape to be around people. There's work being done in our apartment, and it's been seriously interfering with my routines and peace of mind. I don't handle well having everything I own piled up haphazardly and having to sleep in another room. But there was no way we were going to miss the party, so I was trying to push on through. I got there, though, and just wasn't able to handle it. I ended up being sent upstairs to take a shower and put on fresh clothes, since I hadn't been able to shower at home that day because of the mess, and I was so messed up in the head that I had put on a dirty shirt instead of a clean one. I got upstairs, started the shower, and just collapsed, sobbing. Boss showed up a few minutes later to hold me and let me cry it out; then he put me into the shower and got me cleaned up. Sure enough, I felt a lot better once I was cleaned up and had had some 'poor me' time.

The week after was just fine, but this weekend, we had another issue. Friday night we went out to the dungeon as usual. I knew it was going to be a bit of  weird night; the Bear was going to be there. And the friend running the night's activities is moving out of town; this would be his last time there. And someone would be there that has frequently excited Paul's attention - and Paul's not allowed out at the dungeon. On the way to the club, Kiara popped up internally asking about the Bear and the friend that's moving. And she was being really difficult and pouty about both situations. To the point we had to make her 'go to her room'. So I expected it to be a touchy evening. I knew the Boss would play with me and help me stay sorted out. Yeah, well, that didn't go so well. I can't really say what happened, because I've lost that time, but it sounds like I just didn't respond normally, and then collapsed partway through, Silent One coming out in catatonic mode. Boss dealt with it as best he could, eventually getting Cherish to come out. He quickly got us home and to bed. The next morning, I was a little shaky, but mostly okay. And I had lost the time entirely. I remember supper that night, and I woke up in the morning, with maybe a couple of snippets of conversation that may or may not be valid. I hate losing time.


And this morning we had another episode of loss of control. Boss was stressed yesterday, and Lynn ended up coming out to comfort him, something that only happens rarely. But the day went fine. Sometime in the night, we were cuddling and stuff, and he triggered a reaction that we've purposely set up for play purposes. One that needs him to 'release' me from it when over. And we fell asleep before he released me. This morning, the alarm went off, and somehow I was co-conscious with Silent One. I was able to get up and shower and stuff as normal, but I couldn't speak, and Silent One was pawing at Boss to wake him, and reacting as it usually does to things going on. We were stuck both out together, and it was extremely uncomfortable. And alarming, since I had to go in to work very shortly. However, Boss figured out what was going on (even though I couldn't tell him), and managed to help us switch back around to me being out.


And that's when I saw the note on the internal message board that some internal reorganization is coming up. I'm not sure what that's going to be, as it hasn't sorted itself out yet. 

Memory is a Funny Thing [Me]

I made a new friend, found out he had a blog, started reading it... so I'll be sharing thoughts from there to here. Back in 2003, Ferret wrote this blog about memory. And to parts of what he said, a giant 'YES' sounds in my mind.

It occurs to me that I have a very strange memory. 

I can't really remember long-term events; they just sort of fade away. I'm terrible with names. I run into friends, and I remember that I really enjoyed their company, and I can tell you what they're like... But I can never remember exactly what it was that I did with them. 

I dread reunions with my high-school and college buddies. They always - always - say, "Hey, don't you remember the time we stole a police car?" or some such event. It sounds really exciting, some of the stuff we did, and I really wish I'd been there... But the me standing here in 2002 simply wasn't there. The me that experienced that event is dead, buried in layers of fog. 

Invariably, I smile wanly and say, "Hey, I must have forgotten that," and they tell me about something terribly witty I said, or something extremely foolhardy that we did. 

It's a blank to me. My past is like a fog.... 

People who leave me are like ghosts; I love the people who are with me intensely, more deeply than most people can. I have a vast capacity for loving the ones near me... But the minute they leave, they start to fade. It becomes harder and harder to see them. I forget to call, even though I know I should... But they're in the past, and the past barely exists for me. 

I abandon easily. I dislike that about myself, but it's hard - so hard - to remember the men who aren't touching me now. 

There is one exception to this, and that's stories. If I can encapsulate an event in an amusing story, then I can remember it; stories are my life capsule. But even then, I rarely have any sense memory of the events in the stories: I remember the facts, I remember how to arrange those facts for maximum impact, and I remember the punchline - but often it's a big frosted blank in my memory. 

I have stories, intensely personal stories, that could have been someone else for all the emotional connection that I have to them. I simply relate them, and hope that they're still mine.
I think it's all a very big defense mechanism.

Oh, how I wish I'd saved my comments to him before posting them; they're awaiting moderation, so I can't see them now. But what he wrote really said something I've often felt and thought about. I hear people tell about things that happened in their past, and it's obvious that they are really re-experiencing the event. Their nose crinkles at the smell, they feel the emotions again. I'm jealous of that. I can tell you a story about my childhood, or my daughter's childhood, or even something from a month ago, and it's just a story. If it's a good one, I may really enjoy telling it, or I may enjoy seeing your reaction. But I'm not experiencing it again.

It's like I file away the facts of events, but then lose the supporting evidence documents. I can tell you about taking my daughter to the zoo, for example. I recall the fact that we went. I can tell you what the entrance to the zoo looked like, because I have seen the pictures we took of it. I can tell you that the elephant house stank, because there's a note recorded in my brain that we complained of the stench - but I can't remember what it smelled like. I know that we climbed on the jungle-gym there and had a wonderful time, but I can't remember what the rope under my hands felt like. I know we ate food there, because we were there for a while, but I don't know what we ate or if it was good or bad. I remember going through the bamboo trail, and that it was beautiful, but I can't really recall why it was beautiful. And as I write this, I think that I am probably collating several trips to several different zoos into one. I think the entrance we took pictures of is in Memphis, and the elephant house is in, maybe, Louisville, and I know the jungle-gym is in Nashville.

I can tell you stories of being abused by my first husband, fighting, yelling, running to the police. But there's not emotional connection to them. Honestly, I think the only reason I can remember what happened is because I have told the story enough times that it 'stuck'. Maybe if I'd been less open about the abuse, I wouldn't even know, now, that I had been abused. Of our entire eleven months of marriage, I have no clear memories, just stories. I recall that I used to tell the stories of a recovered memory of taking a bath, of nursing my daughter. I don't have those, anymore, either. I do vaguely recall sitting on the porch rocking back and forth chanting. I think that one's a memory of the actual event, because I don't think I've actually told that one to anyone.

And it's not just events years ago that I can't remember. I can't remember what I did last week, unless I look on my calendar or reason it out. Let's see, it was Tuesday, and that's usually my day to run errands. I got such-and-such errands done this week, so that night I must have done x... Yeah, that's how it goes. It's no wonder I'm so attracted to routines and recurring plans. It makes the reasoning easier.

So if I start telling you a story about my past, and you've heard it before, maybe I'm not just telling you the story. You see, I'm also telling myself the story. It's the closest thing I have to remembering the event I'm telling you about.

Quote Files [Me]

I admit it; I love quotations. I usually can't remember them well enough to repeat them exactly, though. And I can never remember just the one I was looking for. So I've collected all my favorites - well, most of my favorites. I used to keep them all in separate Word documents. Then I put them on separate Facebook notes. The first way keeps me from sharing them; the second is a pain to scroll through and find the one I want. So now I've made another blog to hold them all - one post per topic. You can visit my QuoteFiles here. And by using the navbar on the right, you can just go straight to the topic you want. Please, add your favorites in the comments, or use this for your own purposes.