Redesign In Progress [Me]

Enough of the incipient redesign has come to light that we can share it. We do not have a new alter emerging; instead we will be decreasing in number. Two changes, really. First, Jarett has decided to go dormant. Not to disappear completely, but to 'close up shop' and shut down for the time being. Second, Lynn and Grace have decided to combine together as Gracelyn.

Jarett has never been comfortable being an alter. He's very male, and this body frustrates him to no end. Not just because of the sexual equipment, but other things. I'm too short, have curves and soft spots in the wrong places, hair that has to removed and hair that's missing. The muscles don't work correctly, and I even smell wrong. Everything I wear, though not truly girly, is certainly not masculine. Even when he can ignore the body issues, he's truly uncomfortable with my/our lifestyle. The kink bothers him, the poly bothers him. He hates the idea of sharing so much physically. Which has led him to withdraw more and more. The one thing he has been doing is driving. So he's been little more than a chauffeur. And that's not enough.

Lynn and Grace have also both expressed frustration with their limited scope of responsibilities within the system. Lynn has been observing, and she and I have had lots of conversation about how to keep the system in it's healthiest state. She comes out when someone needs comforting, to play Mom and say 'there, there'. But that's really about it. Grace emerged since our collaring to handle things like dressing up and makeup, and more recently, any housework we need to do. But that's still a fairly limited range of being, especially for me. She hasn't really found being part of us to be very interesting. The two of them do have a lot in common. They are the two non-sexual parts; both like to remain fully clothed and avoid sexual/romantic turns of conversation. They are both involved in organizing our life, one inside, one out. They both have slight accents, just as a side.

And so, the two ladies have decided to try joining forces. As a combined single alter, they can organize both inside and out, maintain our appearance, cook and clean, and generally be a housewife to Boss. They can also take over Jarett's driving duties, releasing him from his single responsibility. We've started the process; they are discussing which parts of each will be dominant. And we've started working on a pinboard for the two of them combined. Jarett's board will remain whole, but inactive.

We told Boss last night how the reorganization is looking. We had told him a few days back that something was imminent. And he stressed about it and asked over and over about it from one conversation to the other. We want to keep him informed so that we aren't surprising him, but we also want to wait until there's some answer to give him before we let him know there's something going on. It's a challenge to balance, one that I suspect has no winning strategy. But we gave him the outline last night, and have talked about it on and off with him since. He didn't take it well. Remember that our metamour, his other girlfriend, is also multiple. Rearranging for her has historically been very stressful and negative for him. I think his negative reaction to our rearrangement was more of a knee-jerk reaction than anything else.

But he has a female alter that has tried to be close to Jarett. And she was very understandably crushed that he was leaving. However, they really haven't interacted in weeks, perhaps months. Before that, they were trying to create some sort of relationship. But the wrongness of being both in opposite bodies was too much for Jarett. And he had trouble with her relationships with others of my alters, let alone with our metamour's alters. His discomfort just ran too deep. So I'm hoping to spend more time with her over the next days to help her deal with him leaving. I don't know what else I can do for her.

It's Coming... [Me]

Something is coming, some change. I'm not sure what it is, and avoiding worrying about it has kept me from blogging. Also, how do I write about something that I'm not sure what it is? There's a note on the internal whiteboard that some sort of internal reorganization may be underway. The last few times that's happened, we've increased in number. Isn't ten enough people to have in my head? Anyway, I haven't really heard any new voices, so maybe it's something else. I did see Kiara playing around a few weeks ago, moving around pieces of paper on the floor with everyone's names written on them; I don't know if that's related. But there are definitely symptoms of 'Change on the Horizon'.

Last weekend, I had a pretty bad breakdown. Sunday morning we went to a birthday party, but I really wasn't in any shape to be around people. There's work being done in our apartment, and it's been seriously interfering with my routines and peace of mind. I don't handle well having everything I own piled up haphazardly and having to sleep in another room. But there was no way we were going to miss the party, so I was trying to push on through. I got there, though, and just wasn't able to handle it. I ended up being sent upstairs to take a shower and put on fresh clothes, since I hadn't been able to shower at home that day because of the mess, and I was so messed up in the head that I had put on a dirty shirt instead of a clean one. I got upstairs, started the shower, and just collapsed, sobbing. Boss showed up a few minutes later to hold me and let me cry it out; then he put me into the shower and got me cleaned up. Sure enough, I felt a lot better once I was cleaned up and had had some 'poor me' time.

The week after was just fine, but this weekend, we had another issue. Friday night we went out to the dungeon as usual. I knew it was going to be a bit of  weird night; the Bear was going to be there. And the friend running the night's activities is moving out of town; this would be his last time there. And someone would be there that has frequently excited Paul's attention - and Paul's not allowed out at the dungeon. On the way to the club, Kiara popped up internally asking about the Bear and the friend that's moving. And she was being really difficult and pouty about both situations. To the point we had to make her 'go to her room'. So I expected it to be a touchy evening. I knew the Boss would play with me and help me stay sorted out. Yeah, well, that didn't go so well. I can't really say what happened, because I've lost that time, but it sounds like I just didn't respond normally, and then collapsed partway through, Silent One coming out in catatonic mode. Boss dealt with it as best he could, eventually getting Cherish to come out. He quickly got us home and to bed. The next morning, I was a little shaky, but mostly okay. And I had lost the time entirely. I remember supper that night, and I woke up in the morning, with maybe a couple of snippets of conversation that may or may not be valid. I hate losing time.


And this morning we had another episode of loss of control. Boss was stressed yesterday, and Lynn ended up coming out to comfort him, something that only happens rarely. But the day went fine. Sometime in the night, we were cuddling and stuff, and he triggered a reaction that we've purposely set up for play purposes. One that needs him to 'release' me from it when over. And we fell asleep before he released me. This morning, the alarm went off, and somehow I was co-conscious with Silent One. I was able to get up and shower and stuff as normal, but I couldn't speak, and Silent One was pawing at Boss to wake him, and reacting as it usually does to things going on. We were stuck both out together, and it was extremely uncomfortable. And alarming, since I had to go in to work very shortly. However, Boss figured out what was going on (even though I couldn't tell him), and managed to help us switch back around to me being out.


And that's when I saw the note on the internal message board that some internal reorganization is coming up. I'm not sure what that's going to be, as it hasn't sorted itself out yet. 

Setting Up The Light Bank - A Little Internal Wiring Challenge [Me]

So now that the dam has broken, I have a few topics I want to blog about. You're ready for that, right, readers? I mean, you haven't had anything to read from me in over a week.

So with all the mess going on in my head the last couple of weeks, we've been discussing internally what the underlying problems were, and what kind of measures we can take to prevent the same kind of lock-up in our mental works.

One problem that seemed to come around is alters showing up in places and at times that aren't appropriate for who that alter is. Like Paul showing up at the club. Yes, he wants to watch people there, but he seems a bit frightened by the kink behavior. So he really needs to stay away at the club. Just like Rubi needs to not be around my family or at work. And Gracelyn has expressed a wish to avoid both sex and kink. We need a system.

Written and verbal cues don't work all the time for all of us. At the very least, Silent One doesn't use language, so any language-based cues are going to be a problem. Several of us have discussed it, and here's what we've come up with.

We're going to experiment with a warning light system. In a recording studio, radio station, or what-have-you, they have the On-Air light that warns you when it's safe to enter, and when you need to stay outside. Theaters use colored gels on the lights to set the mood. There's a blue security light at the club that can be activated from the front desk. The Terrorist Threat Level system is based on colors - a little too complicated, as I recall, but still, it seems like a good system, potentially.

We associate red with sex. So there will be a red light in the Sharing Room, opposite the door to the 'Front Office'. When it's on, there's sex-stuff going on. Those who are not interested in sex will be able to see the light from the back hallway, and avoid the common Sharing Room entirely. That would be Gracelyn Rose and Lynn, and anyone else who just isn't in the mood.

We decided to use Blue to indicate kink-play is going on. Some things will probably be painful, and those that want to avoid the kink, or the pain, or both, should not come out when the blue light is on. That would be Grace, Lynn, Jarett, and Paul. Jarett has been asked to help keep Paul out of kinky situations, including simply hanging out at the club. Kiara will check with someone else before coming out in the blue light, to see if it's pain-play or not.

And we also wanted a light to indicate 'Free Play'. We'll turn on a green light when it's safe for anyone to come out that wants to, without waiting for the situation, or the boyfriend, to call them out. Sometimes it's rude to just walk into the front room, like when I'm at work or presenting a class or talking to my parents. Some of us are more timid about just inviting themselves to front unless they've been called. By putting on the Green Light, we're saying that if someone is just in the mood to come out, they are encouraged to do so. This will probably be times at home when nothing in particular is going on.

And a crisis light. We're going to use the yellow light to indicate that we are struggling, that things are not going smoothly. And during these times, it would be great if everyone could keep things quiet, maybe even stay in their rooms (those that have them). If we can keep things calm, then I can work on settling things down.

The lights will be controlled from the Watching Room, where Lynn will have control of the switches to turn them off and on as needed. This is an experiment, so we'll see how it works.

Defective, Damaged, Wounded [Me, Lynn]

I'm reading risingrainbow's blog entry Damaged Goods. Do you see yourself as defective, damaged, or wounded? How you view your negatives greatly impacts how you react to them, and whether you can overcome them.

Damaged as in crushed, broken, soiled, torn............damaged as in wounded, bleeding, bruised, battered, dying. A damaged child am I, furtively trying to convince the world that I have been untouched!

I find that beautiful. And sad.

Someone who is defective can not be fixed, only dealt with and replaced. When you see yourself as defective, there is no hope for a better future. So many of us have been convinced we are defective. We can never amount to anything, never expect rescue or healing or a better life.

Someone who is damaged - maybe they can be repaired. They'll never be whole, but maybe they can be 'good enough'. Like a vehicle that's been wrecked and repaired (wordplay - wrecked, wretched - something is speaking to me there), the damage is still there, even if you can't see it. Too many people go through life damaged, but repaired enough that no one can see it.

But wounded... wounds heal. Medicine will heal wounds. Time heals wounds. And when they have healed, it can be as if they never were. The wounds may scar, but then scars fade, and the hurt is gone. Can we upgrade our hurting to wounded? I mean 'we' the world, not 'we' my system, in this case.

I see my splintering into what is now nine parts as damage. I have repaired a lot of the damage - most people would never know that I have a black spot on my 'title'. We function as a whole individual all the time. Only occasionally is there a mysterious creak in our psyche that indicates there may be something behind the shiny paint and repaired dents. I don't expect the splintering to go away - honestly I don't even want it to; I like being multiple. But I am aware the damage is there, and is simply repaired, not wiped away.

Other things, like the reasons why I splintered in the first place, I think are wounds. Ones that have, for the most part, healed to scars. I can look at the scar from my teen marriage and say, "I remember when that happened," without reliving the pain of the experience. It's simply a scar. Maybe one day, even the scars will fade away into a simple entry in my past.

How about you? What sort of damage do you carry around? What wounds do you have that you see healing as time goes by?

Self-Harm. Why? [Me, Lynn]

Candycan wrote an excellent post on How and Why Self Harm? You see, self-harming isn't restricted to just cutting and other overt damage done to oneself. Neglecting one's own care, avoiding simple personal hygiene, poor eating habits, denying oneself simple joys, and isolating from social opportunities can all be considered self-harm, as she points out. But usually, self-harm refers to cutting or other injury-based activities. We have also been know to do some cutting. Most often, we use a scalpel, and allow Rubi to cut a decorative pattern into our thighs. The pain from the cutting, the sight of blood, and the freedom to act all release the tension she holds for us. And of course, frequent S&M play as a heavy bottom could certainly be considered deliberate self-harm.

But then Candycan speaks about the different ways self-harm - mostly cutting - serves as a reward. And these are the points which I wish to echo and comment upon.

1. To Feel Something/Anything - Unpleasant feelings tend to build up into a sense of numbness. Blocking out the 'bad' feelings means also blocking out the 'good' feelings. And feeling nothing creates an extra detachment from everything that is neither healthy nor pleasant. Receiving pain by cutting or S&M play forces us to feel something. It overwhelms the numbness and opens up those feelings again.

2. To Stop Feeling Something - When emotions well up and threaten to become overwhelming, despair or depression become a general unpleasant hurt that I focus on obsessively. Cutting becomes a specific hurt that forces me to release that focus on the general despair. It's a distraction from the emotional pain that is simple and clean to process. And along the way, some of the emotional pain gets processed as well, cleaning the slate.

3. Punishment - Candycan brings up the issue of pain as punishment several times, but this is not a drive for us, to my knowledge.

4. Visual Reminder - The cutting and play leave scars and bruises to remind us of the self-harm without having to feel that pain again first-hand. It's a record of the pain we processed. And it's a reminder that Rubi is there, waiting to deal with things her way, should I need her. She is Real, and by extension, so is everyone else in there.

5. Sensation Reminder - For several days, marks from self-harm  remain, itching and aching. Touching them, feeling clothes rub against them, scratching at them feels good. And reminds me that I can deal with what I am going through.

6. Pleasure - Seeing blood turns Rubi on, makes her warm and ever-so-alive. Many kinds of pain do the same for Sam. The endorphin rush is it's own addiction.

7. Academic Curiosity - There is within us a bit of mad scientist asking, "What happens if...?" And it's not exactly appropriate to experiment with cutting up other subjects; they simply aren't likely to consent. So I become my own guinea pig.

8. Control - I believe this is one of the classic reasons to self-harm. When Life becomes hard to control, as it often does, self-harm becomes a singular venue for controlling one's own world. I can control how many lines I cut, how deep, and whether I encourage the bleeding or stop it. I have control (to an extent - at least Rubi has control) of where the cutting is and what it looks like and whether or not I show it to other people.

9. Control within the System - When I first discovered I was multiple, I was afraid of allowing Rubi to take control; I was scared of what she might do, and worried that I wouldn't be able to 'put her back'. When we allow her out willingly to cut, she is not as likely to force her way out. And when she finishes and cedes control back to others, there is a sense of victory over that concern.

10. Sadomasochism - I think we all have some sadist in us. There is something satisfying about squashing a bug, or seeing someone get hurt. I know that I have a strong sadistic streak in me - it runs through several of us, even though we usually embrace the masochistic role more openly. Self-harm gives me the chance to act upon that sadistic bent, with myself as the target, rather than targeting someone else and risking actually hurting them. It would be much more difficult for me to actually harm myself, because as the target/bottom as well, I have perfect feedback and can gauge closely how much I can take. And that means a rush from pushing that boundary, as well.

When I'm Depressed [Me, Lynn]

Again, reading blogs. This time about how depression affects behavior. And how to see when someone's depressed. I thought I'd write on it myself.

Most people know me as a generally happy person. I don't let too many things worry me. I take on projects I can complete and revel in the small victories. I pursue socializing with my friends passionately, and indulge myself being with them. I like who I am. I have enough knowledge of myselves that we like each other most of the time and get along well. And I purposely maintain that happy, competent, social, positive self-image. But it's not always a success. I periodically have a period of depression that I nourish and cater to as fully as the positive end of my psyche.

I can generally tell when I'm threatening to enter a depression. I'll start feeling a weight on me for days, or even weeks, slowing me down. The world seems visibly darker. Usually there's a money crunch involved, and maybe overscheduling myself, which means not getting enough sleep. And often there's some key thing that I've gotten so far behind on that I don't know how I'll ever catch up - something I feel like I'm about to fail at. Not something I already have failed at; once the failure is made, it's past worrying about; it's the impending failure that sets me off. Or big changes coming up that I can't control or plan for - the fear of the unknown. And of course, I find that being around someone who is depressed will eventually drag me down to join them, too.

When the depression's in an early state, I'll have the sense of mentally dragging my feet all the time. And it will show in the way I walk; I'll drag my feet in reality, as well. I just... slow down. And I recognize that I'm slowing, but just don't care. At this state I'm desperate for someone to notice, but don't care enough to ask someone to do so.

The next state I'll reach is an irritable one. The smallest thing makes me want to strangle someone. My dog is particularly good at setting me off. Anything out of place in my house just infuriates me. To the point of throwing stuff away that wasn't put up - and maybe throwing it against a wall first. I can recognize that my reactions are too extreme for the offense, and yet can't stop myself from reacting that way. I may get teary-eyed from anger occasionally. This is the state where I just itch for a good fight, provoked or not. I feel panicky, like I have to do something before the next stage hits, and hurry!

And then I get completely depressed. I'll come home and find myself moping around staring at nothing, completely ignoring people and even avoiding them entirely. I'll lock myself in my room in the dark. And I'll take naps. I never take naps unless I'm sick or depressed. Naps are a Really Bad Sign. And I'll cry. I also don't cry often, unless I'm ticked off. I won't pay bills, I won't go out if I can avoid it, and I won't call a friend to make me feel better. I'll do the minimum I have to get done to be able to go back and curl up in my bed all alone and safe and quiet and dark.

So. Worry, followed by Irritability, ending in Depression. And in the Worry stage, I know what path I'm on; it's not like it's unfamiliar. I don't always go all the way down the path, of course. Sometimes I manage to derail it. In the Worry stage, sometimes I can get a handle on the problem that's eating at me and fix it. Get that bill paid, the car fixed, the project completed. Get some more sleep. This is when I'll get frantically - manically - overly social and hedonistic. Lots of sex, lots of happy silly play, gotta go and do and feel and remind myself how good it feels to feel. And sometimes that's enough to kick me out of that downward path. Fix the problem, indulge myself, feel better.

If, despite my efforts, the depression doesn't lift, I give up on trying to 'happy it away'. I tried everything, and nothing worked. That's when I get irritable. I snap at people who don't deserve it, which makes me feel guilty, and upsets me further. I can't do anything right, so I get very obsessive about doing the things I can right. This is when I might reorganize a huge section of my house, put everything in exactly its place. I don't want to be around people; they irritate me. But if I arrange these... books, or whatever... in just the right way, they'll stay put; they won't irritate me. Until someone moves them (an outside someone or an inside someone). Then I'm furious. I finally got something to work right and now it's ruined. Sometimes the projects and fixing and organizing will be enough to satisfy me, get me out of my funk. Sometimes I'll snap one too many times at people, and I'll get that fight I'm picking. This is when the S&M play, a really hard scene that leaves me bruised and broken and crying and worn completely out, can 'fix' me. Or I'll encourage some controlled self-injury, like light cutting. I've learned to associate physical pain with emotional healing. Yes, I realize this is backward to most people and will be alarming to some - but it does work for me. If my body is hurting enough, maybe my psyche won't be.

And then if that doesn't work, I give up on everything. I'll sit and mope and know that I'm depressed and turn away from anything that might help me feel better. I don't want help from anyone else because I'm not worth helping. And the fact that no one is trying to help me just proves that no one cares. The fact that I just spent the last stage snapping at them for any little thing tends to make this a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of thing. And it's too late to derail it; I have to go through it. At this point, I really can't take care of myself. I need an outside person to come in and take care of me. And I need them to be tough on me, boss me around into doing things, not just soft and gentle and indulgent - though I need that, too. A 'Snap to it!' drill sergeant as much as an 'I know, honey' parental hand-holding. And I'm no fun to be around at that point, I know. So the people who have taken me in hand at that point mean a lot to me.

When I finally break free of the depression path, at whatever state, I don't climb back up the way I went down. I usually feel refreshed and ready to take everything on again - as soon as I catch up on sleep. My rebound is great, if you can put up with getting me to it. And, because I've been away from everyone in the last two stages, now I have a need to catch up on all my socialization. I'll want to cuddle and touch and feel loving and pleasant with everyone. Especially if I need to make amends for being harsh to them in the middle state.

The 80-20 Insight (Lynn)

I'm recording this here as a concept which we need to think on more fully. On another multiple's blog (http://www.multiplicity.ca/), she tells of reaching an insight. About 80% of each personality is the same core person, with 20% being the differences from one another. And it's in that 20% that all the friction occurs.

We are each very much like one another. And in smaller but extremely telling ways, different, even opposites. Kiara is cute and accepting in ways that none of the others would ever want to be. Rubi's anger colors even her good moods; she is defiant and closed-off. Sam just won't take anything seriously, whereas I admit to taking everything seriously in my turn.

Food for thought and conversation...

And Now We Are Eight - A Little Redesign (Me)

Another month has passed between blogs. Things aren't feeling quite so bleak as they did before, but my shifting from one personality to another is still under restraint. My daughter goes back to college this weekend, so I expect we'll feel more free to be ourselves in the next few weeks than we have been.

There has been a lot of self-searching and internal conversation the last week or two, and it has resulted in some restructuring internally. We have found a new alter. Her name is Cherish. We tried to talk her into a more 'name-like' name, but Cherish is it. She's very submissive and sweet and quiet, which may be why we haven't noticed her up to now. None of us are submissive or quiet; though Kiara can be very sweet, at least. At least so far, Cherish exists only for interactions with one person - a gentleman that we expect will, at some point, be in a Dom/sub relationship with us. Other people have noted that, in his presence, we've displayed a different behavior set and attitude, but for some reason we never looked at another alter being the reason for that. Until I recognized her thoughts as separate from mine one evening while spending time with him. Since then, I've followed her thoughts to reach her and asked her to participate in our 'mental group talks'.

When one of the alters comes out to chat on IM or by phone, they'll usually sign off with /K for Kiara, /R for Rubi, /S for Sam, etc. Now I have two /C's - Cherish and Counselor. In light of this, Counselor has let us know that she will be happy to use the name Lynn, instead. A slight restructure, here. So the full roster of personalities is thus:
/M - Me
/K - Kiara
/S - Sam
/R - Rubi
/C - Cherish
/L - Lynn (formerly Counselor)
/J - Jarett
and the Silent One

Let's NOT Go To The Movies (Me, Lynn)

So it seems that watching movies may not be the best activity to promote internal peace for me. Earlier this week, I went to the movie theatre, and ended up having a pretty major mental break. Of course, it wasn't just the movie. Background first - a couple of my friends are about to get divorced. It's running fairly amicably, so far. They decided to go to the movie together, for some reason. Her... boyfriend, for lack of a better term, was going too. So when the husband called and invited me, I got the impression he might need someone there as a buffer, so I had to go. Well, I dragged along my boyfriend, and several other people showed up as well.

So there were several factors going into this thing - the tension between the divorcing couple, the tension between her boyfriend and her husband, and several people there that I had never met. Also, I had had a horrible day at work, so I was already feeling a bit tense and unhappy for myself. And I had had to reschedule plans already made for the evening in order to attend, which will often make me grumpy.

Added to that, my boyfriend expressed some concerns about me watching this particular movie. We were going to see Sucker Punch. If you haven't seen it/heard about it, it's got a lot of surreal qualities and abuse themes and it's dark and weird. And partly takes place in a mental institution. Remember my problems watching Dragonfly because it was in a hospital with the surreal feeling? Yeah, much much worse. So he was right; this was not a movie I should have seen.

Getting through the movie was a little twitchy, but not horrible. But when it was over, I just had a mental break. The last things I remember clearly were walking down the hallway at the theatre clutching my coke in front of me like a life preserver, and the clock in my truck reading 9:41, and a feeling like I needed to cry. The next thing I remember really clearly is going to work the next morning.

---

This is Counselor, now, and I'll have to write the remainder of this post for M, as she wasn't participating in the rest of the evening. The movie made us - as a sytem - profoundly uneasy. It was too violent for Kiara, enough sex to attract Sam, enough violence to attract Rubi, girls in sexy outfits that tickled Jarett's attention, and a clinical setting that both interested me and made Silent One twitch. The movie characters seemed to dissociate between one reality and the next rather freely, which triggered our system quite severely.

When we left the theater, M had already made plans to go to a friend's house afterward. So her boyfriend left, and everyone else left, leaving her/us alone in the parking lot. We sat in our vehicle for a while trying to either cry and get it out of our system or recover, but that wasn't happening. So we went driving for a while; taking the longest possible way our friend's house. We went approximately an hour out of our way, and were still quite shaky when we arrived. Sleep was out of the question at that point, so pizza was ordered and a kids' movie was put on. Kiara finally emerged for most of the movie, and through her we were able to eventually sleep.

I am considering putting a hold on all movie-watching for a while, as this makes two movies that have triggered negative episodes lately. However, all that does is push off dealing with the issues. So the alternative is to wach some potentially triggering movies, deliberately setting off any negative associations, with some controls in place. Having a kids' movie handy to watch afterward seems to be a valid mechanism for overwriting the negative experience. I'd like to have at least two people with us that can deal with any alters that emerge, and watch the suspect movies early in the day when there is plenty of time to recover before bedtime.

It has been several days now since the movie, and we're still a bit weepy and on edge. We've not slept well all week, but it's difficult to determine which is cause and which effect. So we'll push through. We'll spend as much time as possible with positive people around us, and ask for some compassionate moments with those people. And we'll stay busy as much as we can. If things go really well, perhaps we can get a good night's sleep - or two nights, even. Then we'll see if our moods even out.

Trigger Event (Lynn)

Greetings, this will be my first post here. I am Counselor (Update - As of August 2011, Counselor will be using the name Lynn instead). It is my role to coordinate our system's activities and memories so that we can function succesfully in a singleton-oriented world. Yesterday evening, we found a new trigger for our system, and I feel it important to document it here.

Every person has certain triggers that set off their particular neuroses. For a multiple, triggers can set off unexpected emotions and behaviors, including hard switches to other alters and moods that aren't appropriate to the situation. For example, one trigger that is known to set off any of the members of this system is someone grabbing our throat. Even something inanimate, like wearing a turtleneck, can be uncomfortable and distracting. But a hand on my throat, grabbing my throat - that will receive a violent response, of some sort. It is this sort of thing that originated Silent One, and the body could go completely unresponsive. Or could react by attacking the person grabbing. It's hard to predict, and thus we warn people off of grabbing our throat.

Yesterday evening, we discovered a new trigger to be aware of. The mood was light and pleasant, and we were sitting and watching a movie with one of our friends. Another friend came in during the movie as well. Approximately the first third of this movie was set primarily in a hospital, where the main character is a doctor. And it had a spooky, otherworldly atmosphere during this section. There is a particular scene where the doctor is in a hospital corridor at night. With the lights dimmed, he's alone facing down a long spooky corridor. And something inside our mind clicked. There was a time during my first marriage that a catatonic state would drift to sleeping, waking with screaming nightmares involving people in white lab coats and long dim hallways. This scene in the movie triggered that association. We curled up around the people watching the movie with us. The body began trembling, and there was an intense urge to silently weep which we decided to contain. It was terribly unpleasant, and included a strong feeling of helplessness.

The movie shifted away from the hospital, but the damage had already been done. For the rest of the evening, we shifted from one alter to another, or several at a time, quite frequently. And all were unsettled and unhappy. The feeling of helplessness, a sense of disconnect, and the urge to weep remained, even when the movie was over and we were outwardly participating happily in hanging out with our friends. It wasn't until just before falling asleep that the world seemed to return to being truly tangible and stable.

We have watched medical dramas and other shows taking place in hospitals with no negative associations, so I would tentatively conclude that it was the particular image of the dimmed corridor and the sense of otherworldliness leading up to this scene that pushed the trigger. It is something I will begin watching for and trying to avoid.