Location and Relocation [Me]

It occurred to me this week that the whole first half of this year has been, and continues to be, about residences, in some way or another. There's been a lot happen that all had to do with where people are located.

We started the year off with Boss losing his job, and finding one in Washington DC. That started off a huge mega-conversation about who was going to DC with him and who wasn't, and what we could do and should do and would do. Part of that conversation resulted in the realization that I wasn't willing to move out of state right now. Another part pointed out the fact, in stark detail, that Metamour and Boss's relationship really was over. At the time, my relationship with MK was much stronger than my relationship with Boss. And then he found and accepted a job in town, which changed the plans, but not what we had all learned.

The next big thing was selling my old house. I hadn't lived in the house for a while, but the expense of keeping it, and the mental toll it was taking on me, was a major factor. When I sold the house, I suddenly had a much better income/expense outlook. Because of that, and with Boss's new job, we were able to adjust the family money flow so that what we put into the household was a lot more fair. Both Boss and I would have more discretionary income than we had been able to have. That meant getting some savings and being a lot more financially secure, for both of us.

Selling my house also meant that my daughter came to 'couch-surf' at our house. She's living out of a suitcase, sleeping in Kiara & Paul's playroom upstairs while she saves up money and looks for an apartment. (Which means we now have five people in our house.)

Now Metamour's moving out. Honestly, that nickname isn't really an accurate name to call her anymore, since she and Boss officially called it 'Done' back in February. But I'm continuing to use it for continuity. Anyway, with the new discretionary income, Boss and I have been able to pull together some money to help her get started on her own. So she found an apartment, and she got hooked into a program that's going to help her get some job training. She moves tomorrow. It's really exciting, because it means turning the page to the next stage of life, for all of us. (And then there will be four.)

Once Metamour has an apartment, it'll be the daughter's turn to get one. It's getting to her, having all of her stuff in storage, so I expect her to be moving into a place pretty soon. (And then there will be three.)

After all that, we'll be down to Boss, myself, and MK. And it'll be time to force some sort of confrontation with him. Will he move downstairs to work on a three-person relationship? Will he move out entirely? Will he stay upstairs as 'my ex-b/f roommate'? I have no idea what's going to happen with him next.

Incidentally, my non-bio daughter, who does not live with us, is also moving - next week. So we'll be helping her do some moving stuff too, probably. Also, the BDSM club we teach and play at has moved this year as well. Which has resulted in a fair bit of juggling schedules and addresses. Nothing major, but one more thing. 

So the first half of 2015 has about location and relocation. I hope it's just the first half of the year. I'd love for the second half of the year to be a bit more stable. Maybe it could be about improving financials - paying off debts, saving money, and such. Wouldn't that be nice?

Are Two Multiples in a Relationship Still Considered a Couple? [Me]

Metamour has found an apartment and is moving out this weekend. My daughter is starting to look pretty seriously at a couple different places. And I've definitely crossed the line to considering my relationship with MK done.

It's a weird way to end a relationship. I mean, I've gone through some relationships, so I've gone through some breakups. I've had two divorces. And I've always at least known when the end occurred. I've been dumped by text. I've come home to find he's moved out. I've even been told by the new girlfriend. But I've never had a relationship just... ignored to death.

I'm really pleased to see how little this has messed with the system in my head. Both of the kids have been out about as much as normal. Paul's recently gotten a LOT of new Legos, so he and Kiara have been building up and taking apart and sorting and storing on an almost daily basis. Kiara was out for supper last night; not for any particular reason, but just because, and she was cheerful and nice. Rubi had a scene at the club last weekend, and it went great. Sam's even poked her head out (and her tongue) a few times recently that I've been aware of.

So yeah, things are progressing. Now, after Metamour gets moved out, dealing with MK is next. The original plan is that he was going to move into her room - so that he would be more accessible and there would be more interaction between the three of us, and we could work on our relationship of three... I'm guessing that won't be happening that way. Once she's out, then I'll take him on. One thing at a time.

I Think It's Over? [Me]

It's pretty much been a month since MK and I have spent any kind of good time together. He has started talking to Metamour and my daughter, so I have some trickle of information. It sounds like he's mad at me for not spending enough time with him. So to punish me, he's cut me off cold and refuses to spend any time with me. Yeah, you read that right.

I'm fed up with this cold-shoulder-silent-treatment crap. That's no way for any kind of grownup to deal with another grownup. Relationships require communication, which is something he and I have always struggled with. He wants more time with me; I want him to talk to me and to be able to talk to him. I've worked hard to be patient with him through this episode, but it's been close enough to a month now. I'm done.

Heck, maybe he's already decided we've broken up. Of course, he hasn't told me this. But he has. I'm a lot closer to the Metamour than to him at this point, and most of that is bonding over her moving out! So the real question now is whether he's moving out or transitioning to 'roommate'. I've looked in his room; he's not packed anything up or anything. So I'm assuming he's now a roommate. I guess we'll see if he says anything when he pays his rent this weekend.

I was patient for a long time, trying to give him time to work through his fit. I fought off being depressed about it like I usually am. And I was unexpectedly pretty successful. I can only rip my own heart out over the same thing so many times before I stop and wait to see what happens if I don't. Apparently the silence becomes status quo. Fine. I'm done. I've gotten depressed and angry and sad. Now I'm going to push it aside and deal with the things in my life I can do something with.

On the other hand, Boss and I are doing much better. Some of that's because he doesn't have jealousy opportunities with MK. Some of it's because Metamour is actively working on moving out. A lot of it's because he's making a huge effort to be supportive and loving and playful and sweet with me.

And I'm trying to return it. I'm not good at it, turns out, but I'm trying. I am a selfish person - I tell people this and they don't believe me, but I know this is true. It's all about me. Well, isn't that true for everyone? If you pay attention to me, I pay it back. If you ignore me, I go do something else.

So here we are. In January, we were a poly-quad family. Now we're apparently a couple, with his ex-girlfriend and my newly-ex-boyfriend and my daughter all living with us. Sounds like some kind of reality show. Not a good one.

Status Update (Me)

Catching up again. I keep catching up so that I can then post about something I want to talk about, but I don't seem to get past the catching up. Maybe this time?

No big changes in my head. Sam and Rubi came out to play at the club this past weekend (I'm finally healthy enough to play reasonably again!), and Paul and Kiara come out from time to time, though not nearly as much as they used to. Glass is still there in the background, and that seems to be it.

The dental work is done - I had two teeth pulled, and I've recovered from that. MK has been having some dental work too, and he's about done - including two teeth pulled. Boss started his new job, and once the health benefits kick in, he can get his dental work done.

One reason that we've been able to get the dental stuff worked on is that there is more money in the household, because I SOLD THE HOUSE! After almost a year on the market, I'm no longer paying a mortgage on a house I don't live in. That's had a lot of trickle-down effects on us. First, the money to do the dental work. Second, my daughter lost her place to stay, so she's camping at our house, in Paul and Kiara's room upstairs. That could be contributing to their being out less, maybe? I don't know. Third, we've rebalanced how much money each of us is contributing to the Household pot. Which means Boss gets some fiscal relief, too.

He'll need the extra money to buy a car before long. He's driving my truck for now to the new job, which seems to be working out just fine. It does mean he leaves much earlier in the day and comes home later, and I don't get to carpool with him. That's taken away some 'together-time' that we really could use. We're still struggling to redefine our relationship without a collar involved, as well as our/the three of us relationship.

Metamour is still working on getting out. She thought she had a job, but then spent a week in the hospital and had surgery and all. She's recovering well, and should be much healthier than she has been, but the initial job is now unsuitable for her. The first goal was for her to move out by the first of April, and she hasn't, but we didn't really expect to make that goal. She is doing a lot of searching for jobs and apartments, however, and seems to be genuinely trying.

The biggest worry I have right now is MK. Boss and I are arguing a good bit, and because of that I'm focusing a lot on trying to fix some of those issues, and in the meantime I'm ignoring MK way more than is fair. However, the fights Boss and I are having are more airing of grievances between equals than they were before, and I feel like we're struggling instead of just plain failing. I'm not as depressed, just frustrated. The good side of the relationship stuff is that MK and Boss and I are all going out as a group of three more often. Usually to the movies, but that usually means a meal before or after as well. I do find that encouraging.

I think that as Metamour does eventually get moved out, and my daughter gets a place of her own, the three of us are beginning to have a chance to work. So I'm still feeling hopeful overall, even if I have moments of feeling doomed and failing.

Resolutions, Not the New Years Kind (Me)

It's time to catch my readers up on what's going on. There are a number of situations that have impacted us lately that all seem to have been resolved or moving quickly toward a resolution. I feel like things are going to start getting better from this point on. Here's hoping.

Glass seems to be sticking around, but just in the background. Paul and Kiara have both been out a little bit lately; not back to normal, but enough that I'm not worried about them. Sam and Rubi haven't really been out, but I can hear them around inside. So we're back to six people for now.

I'm still dealing with dental work. We made two attempts at the root canal, and couldn't get it through. So we're having the tooth pulled, along with another that was slated for extraction. That'll be this Friday, and then that should be the end of things going on with my teeth, I hope.

I mentioned before that Boss lost his job about a month ago. There were a couple of jobs out of town that he was looking at; and I had already decided I wasn't willing to move out of town if he took them. So we were scared that the job thing was going to force us to break up. Well, last Friday he accepted a new job, and it's in town. So all the stress that goes with unemployment is handled. There may be a week or two break in the income stream, but we've already prepared for that.

Now, this means that Boss is going to need a car. I have a second vehicle, a truck, but my daughter has been driving it. Well, she bought a car this weekend, so we'll have the truck back. It's not a good choice for Boss to drive to/from work forever, but it'll do just fine for a while. Timing sometimes works out really well.

As part of the discussions about out-of-town jobs, MK and I talked a lot about whether he and I and Boss were a viable relationship. Even if Boss took a job in town, all of us splitting up and moving out separately was an option we were looking at. And we had to wait for a job to be picked up before we could really make any decisions. The three of us have decided to keep pushing to make things work. Knowing that we are all three committed to that really eases my mind and gives me some hope that we can succeed. I'm feeling pretty good about things in that realm now.

Part of what we have to work on is the change in my relationship with Boss. A few weeks back, just before the job loss was announced, I think, I decided I could no longer wear Boss's collar. I have tried to be his submissive, but I felt like I was failing at it all the time. I think part of that comes from losing Cherish and Stephanie, and even Gracelyn. So we are going to try being boyfriend and girlfriend (and boyfriend) instead. This is new territory for us, but hopefully this will turn into something where we all feel like we're succeeding more.

Now, I did say the three of us, and there are four people in our family. It's been decided that the Metamour will be transitioning out of our household over the next few months. That relationship has just not proved to be salvageable, so we're working on changing that. So now she's doing the job search thing, and trying to plan out what she's going to be doing instead. That has the potential to turn into a lot of stress in the household, but we're all going to help her as much as we can reasonably do so.

Oh, and I'm finally over the Yearly Ick. With all the situations beginning to resolve, the despair and hopelessness and depression is lifting. So things are looking up, and I think they'll continue to do so.

Happy Day [Me]

Today I am happy. Not about anything in particular, but just generally happy.

Teaching is going well:
I'll be teaching Kink 101 at Akaicon this weekend. And I'm ready. The presentation looks good.
I've got Kink 101 on September 14 planned and set up, and I've started getting the word out.
We're not going to do Pro 101 again until maybe Spring 2015, so I'm not worrying about that.
The Education Committee at the club is all set and working on things. I've revamped my Dungeon 101 class to be specific to that venue and be the club's Dungeon 101 class.

Relationships are going pretty well:
Boss and I are doing well. The anti-anxiety meds are making a big difference. We've had some really great scenes and talks lately, and are doing pretty well together.
MK has had some rough times the last couple of weeks and has withdrawn, but he seems to be coming back out of that phase now.
Metamour and Boss aren't so touchy around each other, so I guess they've settled out a bit.

Family stuff is a mixed bag:
The daughter is coming home on Monday. I'm really looking forward to seeing her.
My father is still dying, but he's gradually deteriorating. The end is coming soon, but we got to see him and say goodbye while he was still pretty coherent.
My mom and step-dad lost their dog recently, but otherwise seem to be doing well. I miss them, though.

Work is going fine, nothing majorly negative or positive. I like my job, which is a great thing to be able to say.

Improving Slowly [Me]

Things are improving, though erratically. I feel like we're at least on an upward swing, finally. And by 'we', I mean the whole family, this time.

Last week I went out-of-state with MK to visit his mother. A thousand-mile trip through four states in five days. It was mostly a working vacation, as we emptied out some things he had in storage there and packed them up to bring home. But I got to spend some serious quality time with MK, something that I've felt has been lacking for a while now. We talked a lot, and I feel pretty secure in my relationship there.

I was dreading the homecoming from the trip. Boss and I had fought a lot the weekend before, when I had left. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him, either, as he left for work just minutes before I got up. Frustrating. I got a message from the Metamour during the trip that he was really flipping out and losing control, and he was finally breaking down enough to search for a therapist or a doctor or something. Unfortunately, that search is not going super-well, as the doctor of our choice is having to close up shop.

But when I got home, things were... good. He had come to some realizations. And he missed me. And I missed him. We had a good play-scene at the club, and actually talked and made up a bit. There wasn't a huge crash on Sunday, so we didn't have that usual fight. We just hung out, and I really appreciated it.

He's still searching for a doctor, but he did start on the anti-anxiety meds I'm on. And they seem to be making a difference, both for him and for me. They aren't strong, but they do seem to mellow things out a little, just enough to let me/him step back and see if it's worth being upset about.

That leaves the Metamour. She and Boss were a bit strained before I went out of state, but I think they must have talked some things out while I was gone, because they seem less stressed around each other now.

So yeah, it feels like there are some improvements in mood all around. There have been several showings of my house for sale. My daughter is coming home soon from her job - oh, and she did get to go see my Dad for a day, just before he got much worse. So that's a relief that she got to see him. I got back to work and nothing fell horribly apart while I was gone, but things were busy enough that I feel I was missed. Money is tight, but doable. I am hopeful.

I Hate Sundays [Me]

Another Sunday, another fight. Seems we always fight on Sundays. Usually it's Boss that's all grumpy and/or hateful. When by some miracle he's not all pissy, I am. And on the super-rare occasion that both of us are actually okay, MK will end up in a bad mood. It's reliable enough that when MK asks what's wrong, why I'm in a bad mood, it's usually enough to just point out that it's Sunday, and he knows that Boss and I have been fighting.

What do we fight over? He wants to sleep in and I don't. I did sleep in and he couldn't sleep. What are we having for lunch and when? Are we going to go work out or not? There's a mess in the sunroom. I'm ignoring him by going to play with legos. I'm ignoring him by going out looking for yard sales. I feel smothered and pawed-upon and need some alone time. He feels like we haven't spent enough time together lately and needs to be close to my physically. I'm hot and don't want to be touched. He was looking forward to a day of doing nothing, and I'm bored. I had stuff planned that I need to get done this weekend and he's asleep. I feel like I'm neglecting my relationship with MK and Boss feels I'm neglecting my relationship with him. The laundry still isn't done and it's Sunday. We need to do some work around the house, but it'll make noise and the Metamour is sleeping.

I fucking hate Sundays.

Coming Back Together [Me]

Relationships. I've been all over the place with them lately. I guess some closure of things I've brought up in past posts is the best place to start here.

Last fall, Boss and I were really shaky. There was a lot of hurt feelings, and not being sure what was going to happen. Some of that had to do with his jealousy of MK. Some of that came from just wanting my time and attention, but a lot of that had to do with one of his alters. There was also unease over MK wanting to date only me and a misunderstanding that he would be dating all of us. Things happened, and MK and Boss got to being really awkward around each other. All that led up to a huge temper tantrum where Boss removed my collar from me. I was hurt enough to consider moving out. And I wouldn't put it back on, which was not what he expected. That was in early December - you know, that great time of year when everyone is stressed and depressed.

Since then, Boss, Metamour, and I have been talking about our relationship. We've put together an agreement for our household and relationships we all have. Being poly and open means a lot of opportunities for miscommunication, so we've tried to narrow down some rules on how to keep everyone informed and happy.

After we finished covering that territory as a group of three, Boss and I had more conversations related to us specifically and the difference between being boyfriend/girlfriend versus my wearing his collar. There are a lot of emotions attached to that collar, and limits and rules that go along with it too. Long story short, we got to some agreement, and I put the collar back on this past weekend.

And with that settled enough, now I have things to talk to MK about. Pretty much the same conversations above, but I know the agreements we'll come to will look a lot different. But dealing with the house comes first.

As a trio, we've been getting close to another couple. But when everything in our household blew up, they had to be put aside for a while so we could take care of us first. Now we're about to start talking more to them about what kind of interrelationships we all want to have.

Okay, that's all the stuff up in the air. Here's what's coming up.

As MK gets his stuff cleaned up at the house, I'm putting the house up for sale. I want to get that out of my life.

Our lease (for me, Boss, Metamour) is up in April, and we are looking for a place big enough for not just the three of us, but MK. Yeah, we might all get to move in together. Wouldn't that be great? There are a lot of concerns about the two guys coming to live together, but in the long run, I think it will work out great. After all, Metamour and I really could not get to be friends with one another until we lived together. There were a couple of months to adjust, and now we're great friends.

There are a lot of reasons why all of us living together makes sense, and I'm really excited to see it coming closer. And I'm committed to making it work with both of my wonderful guys. And I know they'll both get to be better friends when they're around each other more. So the sooner the better, as far as I'm concerned. All we have to do is make the money stuff work out.

Fight Done, Fight Start [Me]

Well, I seem to have finished fighting with one boyfriend just in time to start fighting with the other.

Boss and I have, with the Metamour, hashed out a set of Household Rules that should help a lot with expectations and communication between the three systems and the dozens of personalities. Mostly, rules around who we can have sex with and what kind of communication needs to be around that. But also, who we count as family and what that means.

I'm still not wearing Boss's collar, because that will mean an entirely new conversation about what that collar means. That conversation is for him and me/us only, and I haven't felt comfortable enough to have that one yet. I assume he'll have a similar conversation with the Metamour, defining what their relationship is, and I need to have a conversation with MK about my relationship with him and what our rules and boundaries and expectations and everything are.

But that conversation is also on hold, because I have another more pressing issue with him. My house. He moved in there while I was still living there, and continued renting a room from me ever since. I want to sell the house, which has become a huge weight on me financially and emotionally. Once the house is sold, we can look at moving from our apartment to a better place. But I can't sell the house yet, because I MK has stuff scattered and piled all over the place. Not just in his room, but in the living room, the kitchen, and the laundry room. Ever since everyone except him moved out, his stuff has just spread all over the place and piled up haphazardly. Even if I listed the house to sell right now, I don't feel like I could bring people in to show the house. You can hardly walk around in there; it looks terrible.

I told him several months ago that I NEED him to get it cleaned up and out of there. I asked for it by Thanksgiving, and he would only give me end of the year. Well, it's January, and it's not done. It's barely started on. I need his stuff out of there, and what's left neat. I need the outside of the house, which he and his brother are working on, done and cleaned up. Then I can get inside and do some cleanup. Then I can list the house for sale and try to get out from under it. Then I'll be financially more able to commit to all of us moving to a better place. Ideally, something like a house for the three of us (me, Boss, Metamour) with an adjoining apartment for MK. But I can't get started on any of this because of all the stuff. And Boss and Metamour are starting to put a lot of pressure on me about it.

So now I'm in the position of having to be upset with him, and nag him to do what he had already told me he would do. I shouldn't have to treat him like that, and I know he doesn't want me to do so. But I can't figure out how to get it done. And now he's avoiding me. He cancelled on plans we had several times last week, and I was so mad by the end of the weekend that I cancelled on our date night. Because I don't feel like having a date when we could be packing up all the stuff. I've offered multiple nights to come help him pack things up, and he's turning me down on all of them. I'm so frustrated with him and with the house in general. And I'm really angry that he's put me in the position of being The Bitch about this. And I miss him terribly because I haven't seen him in nearly two weeks.

At some point, I give up and go move his stuff myself. At some point I evict him from my house. Pretty sure that means breaking up with him as a part of it.

Recap - Recovering [Me]

You may have noticed that I haven't posted in, well, weeks. One of my friends did - thanks, E. And I'm grateful that she said something. I mentioned early on that if I don't post for a while, it's probably because things are not going well, and I may need some encouragement. The last few weeks have been incredibly rough. And I still don't know how the situation is going to end, so I'm still feeling very shaky and uncertain. It's not a place I inhabit well, emotionally. I guess a recap would help you, the reader, at least. Boss and I have been fighting a lot over the last few months, for several reasons. And that's depressed to the point of withdrawing and internalizing a lot of what's going on. I don't share so well when I'm hurting.

Remember, Boss is also a multiple. One of his alters was coming out more and more. She had serious jealousy/possessiveness issues, especially where it comes to MK, my boyfriend. MK doesn't want to be 'our' boyfriend, as in dating everyone in the household (my system, Boss, and the Metamour). He wants to be my/our boyfriend, dating everyone in my system; he's only dating one body. Boss's female alter wanted MK to be dating her, also, and pushed herself on him, upsetting all three of us in the process. In a poly family, jealousy that isn't handled becomes a serious problem. But I can't offer that particular alter any alternate solution. She needs a dominant male to play with, and I'm never both of those at the same time. And she's very emotionally volatile, as teenage girls often are. So the more she was denied what she wanted, the more she was out, looking for what she needs. And the more I dealt with her, the more frustrated we all were.

Next issue - Boss has had a lot of stress building for work. His alter being a problem is causing a lot more. Fighting with me over jealousy issues meant he couldn't get comfort for me. So the stress built up more and more. Through some miscommunication of plans, and a jealous fit from his alter, he removed my collar. There wasn't a calm discussion, or even a rational decision; it was a temper tantrum, and there was no warning to me. I was completely furious, and felt betrayed and unwanted. It's like coming home to find your spouse has put your things outside and changed the locks. I pretty well broken for a little while.

We've been working through those two major issues for a while. We're still living together, as boyfriend/girlfriend, but I haven't put the collar back on; and I don't know if I'm going to be able to again. His female alter that was creating all the emotional turmoil has been muted a bit, and limited to a smaller role in his system. The rest of his system has come to some peace around jealousy issues, and the two guys are working on trying to be friends again, for my sake, if nothing else. The holidays are past, with their attendant stresses. And Boss's work deadline has been moved, making it less of a dead rush for him there.

Something that all this has brought to light is that we all three have some different ideas of what our household rules are, especially when it comes to relationships with people outside the three people that live in our apartment. So we're working on slowly coming to agreement on those rules and putting them in writing. It's a slow process, as we have to recover emotionally between bouts, and we all three have lots to say about, well, anything and everything.

What's-yer-name [Me]

My recent posts have been rather darker in tone. And that's not because I've been in a bad spot in my life, but rather because things are going so well, and that gives me the security to explore the 'bad stuff'. So congrats for slogging through the dark bits, and I'll be more lighthearted today.

I think many people have had the experience, especially as kids, of having a relative or teacher  mix their name up with other kids' names. In my family, my two (male) cousins and I spent so much time together that my Granny just called us all by one mashed up name, MartyChrisBrad. Even today, she'll call me by my mother's name, or my daughter's. And she's not the only one.

It happens within the system, or systems, too. Remember, there are three multiples our house. You've met mine through this blog, including Stephanie. Boss has several as well, including Rachel and Sarah. And my metamour has several, including Fern. These are the pertinent folks for this story.

Honestly, I can't remember what the subject was that we were talking about, but just off-handedly, he suggested that something might interest Stephanie. And I froze for a minute. Who is this Stephanie he was talking about? First I pictured Rachel, then Sarah, or at least the mental visual I have for them. I couldn't think of a Stephanie in his system. Then it occurred to me - Oh, she lives in my head, not his. Then I made the connection, and went on with the conversation.

But it was weird, having no connection to that name when it was spoken. At least for a moment. Usually, if I'm talking to someone and they mention Kiara, she 'perks up' her attention and listens to the conversation to see if she should come out or not. Or at least, I will give her a 'mental nudge' to pay attention. But it was like Stephanie didn't even live in there, at that moment.

I told Boss about it, and he laughed. Because just a little while after that, we were snuggling up, and he almost asked me if Fern could come out front to snuggle with him. That would be pretty hard, considering she lived in the head of my metamour, and she wasn't even in the room...

Hey, Mom, I'm Poly [Me]

Three of my last four posts have been about being poly, not about being multiple. And this one will be, too. I'll try to return to my primary subject soon. But this is important, too, to all the people inside me. Because I came out to my Mom as poly this weekend. Not intentionally - no, I wouldn't intentionally do that on Thanksgiving weekend, which is also my Mom's birthday. But she asked.

When I moved in with Boss, I did mention to her that I was moving in with Boss and Metamour. Well, I gave her names, of course, but this is a blog, yadda yadda yadda... At the time, she asked who that other person is. And I just said she lived with Boss. I added that Boss took care of her because she's sick, and had a commitment to do so. And Mom veered away from that conversation, so I let it drop. In fact, her final comment on it was that we shouldn't mention her to my step-Dad, because he wouldn't get it. I agreed. So in conversation with my step-Dad, Metamour's name has never really been mentioned. But I haven't made any effort to talk around mentioning her to my Mom.

So this weekend, after one such mention, my Mom asked, "What exactly is their relationship?" I replied that she is also Boss's girlfriend. "And you're okay with this?" I assured her that I am; more than okay, really. "It's like a Mormon thing, then?" I told her we use the term polyamory; the 'mormon thing' has more to do with religion, but yeah, they practice(d) polyamory.

Mom then brought up how she teases that my step-dad's singing partner is sometimes referred to as her 'sister-wife' because it takes both of them to keep him on his toes and up to date. I said, yes, it's like that. And we talked about some of the advantages of having two women to keep a man straight. It happens in the theater a lot to me, too. And so we talked about some of the advantages of being in a triad - many of the ones discussed in my last post.

Finally, Mom summed up the conversation by saying that all she really wants is for me to be happy. And it appears to her that I'm happier now than I've been in previous relationships, so it must be a good thing for me, so she supports it. So I'm out to my Mommy as poly, and she's supportive. The step-dad, well, that may not happen for some time, if ever.

Finally, a Good Weekend [Me]

We've had a lot of really rough weekends lately. The change in schedule really messes with us. Particularly when the entire weekend is mostly unstructured. No particular time to wake up, to go out, to come home. All of these things put us on edge. Boss has been very jittery, as well, which makes us uneasy, trying to not make it worse. He's worried about his job, about his other girl, about me not handling the weekend well. And there's a lot of stress in the house worrying about my metamour, who has just come through some major oral surgery and may be headed for some gastro surgery if things work out well. That means she's been on different meds, which have messed with her sleeping and her scheduling and her mood (and thus ours). We've had dietary changes in the household while getting through that, with more to come.

So that means the last several weekends have involved some crashing, some depression, and some lost time. And fighting with Boss. But this weekend was NOT like that.

-----

Okay, I started writing this one a couple of weeks ago. And this last weekend has been - I think - the third good weekend in a row. We still haven't had any more structure, but I've handled it better recently. Of course, we're about to go into the holiday season, so it's time to take some deep breaths before each weekend and plan on having to handle typical holiday stress. We can do this.

Working Through Anger [Sam?]

I'm working on dealing with some anger over something that should be small, yet my mind keeps returning to it again and again. I'm hoping that writing about it here will help me deal with it.

Background. I am allergic to animals. Like' take a pill everyday, and never pet an animal because my eyes will swell up and my nose will explode, and keep an inhaler in my purse and in my room just in case' kind of allergic to animals. My metamour has a dog and two cats. And they were the main point of negotiation about whether or not I could move in with them last spring.

The dog is not a problem; she is short-haired, and uses a puppy-pad to do her business. Unfortunately, she's decided that whenever I come home is the perfect time to poop, and her pads are near my computer, so I seem to always smell dog poop. The cats, however, are another matter. The female one is just a brat. She tears up carpet and insists on sitting in my computer chair when I'm not in it, and she loves to play in the litterbox, flinging litter everywhere. Again, not a huge allergy issue; she and I have agreed that we don't like each other but can live together. The male cat, however... He's old, and retarded, and spoiled. So he prefers to pee in front of my bedroom door and poop in the living room. He gets mad when I put my purse where it belongs, because he wants to lay there. And he's very vocal about it.

The apartment smells like cat piss, and it's his fault. The air burns my eyes and throat if I'm in the living areas too long. Watching a movie means an allergy attack before it's over, because the couches I bought are cat-spaces. I tried keeping sheets over the couches when I first got them, but since I was the only one doing so, it didn't take. So the couches are becoming unfriendly places for me to sit. But I can't sit on the floor - the one time I spent a little while on the floor, the skin on my legs started burning and swelling - cat piss and cat hair. Soon, I'll probably have to do what I do at my sister's house (where there are numerous dogs) - sit in a kitchen chair away from the regular furniture - end of snuggling time.

Most of the time, taking my allergy medicine regularly means I can handle all this, with the occasional shot from an inhaler. Without an animal in the house, I would probably never need an inhaler, and might not even need the meds. But I knew this when I decided to move in with my love and his other girlfriend; she has animals, and that's the way it is. I accepted it. But I argued strenuously that I had to have my own room. And there would be NO ANIMALS IN MY ROOM. Ever. Upon pain of water spraying, kicking animals, and throwing fits. I need to have a space that's as animal-free as possible. I keep my door shut 99% of the time, and run an air purifier 24-7. I hate the white noise from it because it further isolates me, but I need it. When I do laundry, it all goes directly to my room to minimize the time spent exposed to animal fur. Or vengeful peeing cats.

There are drawbacks to keeping my room secluded. If I'm in my room, I'm isolated. I can't participate in what's going on in the next room because I have to shut the door. Sometimes it builds a sense of claustrophobia. In a perfect world, my home would have no doors except the bathroom, and even that wouldn't always get used. I don't like separation. But there are animals in the house.

So the other night, we were discussing something unrelated, and my metamour drops a mention that sometimes she goes to my bathroom instead of the main one, for some reason. I can't really think of any good reason for her to do so, except for the rare rare occasion that Maintenance is doing something in hers? But regardless, for some reason, she occasionally uses my bathroom. That's mildly annoying, but acceptable. But then she says that when she does so, she brings the cat in with her and lets him run around in my closet.

I'm sorry, what? What part of NO ANIMALS IN MY ROOM didn't get through? Her excuse is that he stays on the floor, so no cat hair is getting on my clothes. Wait, you've had a cat for how long? When a cat walks into a room, every piece of clothing in the room instantly has cat hair on it - there is no direct contact necessary. I do all kinds of things to keep the animals from having an impact on my personal space, and she's bringing one of them into my room. And not just any of them, she's bringing the male cat - the one that's such a problem for me anyway.

When she said that, I made it clear that this is to stop. I looked her in the eye, and said "No animals in my room. Period. I don't care why." She started to argue; I repeated it. She shut up about it. But here's the thing - I have no way to know if she obeys the rule. And when it comes to spoiling that cat, like by not forcing it to be traumatically separated from her for the amount of time it takes for her to go to the bathroom, she doesn't tend to follow rules very well. Oh, and remember, she's multiple, too. So even if most of her alters are fine following that rule, the one that hopelessly lets the cat run all over her probably won't. And I'm not sure if she's the one I made it clear to that there are no animals allowed into my space.

So here it is a few days later, and I'm still angry about this. I feel powerless to enforce it; that's why I'm angry, I know. Would it be too much to print up a 'No Animals' sign and put at my door? That would probably hurt some feelings, but I'm not sure I care right now. And if she wants to ignore it when I'm not home, she can. It's not a matter of not remembering that the cats aren't allowed in there, it's a matter of not respecting that rule. Not respecting me.

Ding-ding-ding - there's the reason for the angry. She is disrespecting me by ignoring one of the few rules I have required in our household. There are plenty regarding her - keeping the lights off all the damned time so that it feels like I'm being smothered in a cave all the time. Keeping quiet during all hours of the day because she sleeps during the day and is up at night. Being uber-respectful of the needs put on her by her poor health. But I ask for one thing - leave my room clear - and she just disregards that entirely. I work very hard to be respectful of her, and I feel like it's not being reciprocated.

So what do I do about it? Well, I vent here, to make me feel better. And then, I don't know. Well, I need to wrap this up, my eyes are starting to burn, so it's time for me to retreat to my room for a while. And besides, the female cat is yarking up all over the living room carpet. I'm not cleaning it up. Gross.

Weekend Blues [Me]

This weekend was pretty icky. Stress in the household seems to be contagious from one system to another. My metamour has been needing some major dental work for a long time now, and finally got it done recently. Well, because of that she's been on heavy antibiotics, which make her feel horrible. Worse, they mute the effect of her anti-seizure meds. And then added to that are some pretty strong pain meds for after the dental work. So she's drugged, feeling sick, recovering from surgery, and having seizures. Then her father died. So now she's depressed on top of all of that. Which means, yeah, she's having a horrible time of it lately. I feel so bad for her, and there's absolutely zilch I can do to make her feel better. I've basically tried to stay out of her way and not cause her extra stress. Oh, and I brought her cupcakes and doughnuts. Soft foods that she loves.

So she's feeling terrible, and Boss is really sensitive to picking up emotions and soaking them up like a sponge. Which is great when folks around him are doing well - he gets an instant pick-me-up for free! And it means he is very sensitive to recognize when something is wrong and try to help fix it. But when it's not fixable, it just weighs on him, heavier and heavier. There's also work stress, of course, but mostly he's worried about her and feels helpless to do anything. Which really tarnishes his White Knight helmet. So he's crabby and mopey. And since he's trying so hard not to be crabby and mopey with her, some of it leaks out with me. So he's been pretty authoritarian and a bit snappish. I understand why he is, and I try to let it wash over, but I still get some hurt feelings over it.

Which means now I'm all grouchy and pouty. And the three of us are there together trying not to offend one another and still get our needs met without interfering with anyone else. It's tough. And it's no one's fault; we just have to get through this time. I'm trying not to be needy and demanding of Boss's attention, because he's worn out trying to attend to the Metamour. She's just trying to get through the day without losing it, and he's trying to take care of both of us and his work. Yes, our apartment is now carpeted with metaphysical eggshells.

So, this weekend. Friday night there was a private party at the club, and I decided not to go. So I was pretty much at home. Now, I'm not a stay-at-home kind of person. Too much time at home and I get antsy. Especially when it's dark and we have to be quiet, because we're trying to let the Metamour sleep as much as possible to get through the drugs and healing. And the animals have picked up on the stress and are acting out, so it's kind of not smelling so good lately - and that means my allergies are making me crabby too. So I'm home on Friday, and it's fine. Saturday, I somehow didn't make any plans, so we slept in.

I got 'done' sleeping long before Boss did, and got on the computer. Kiara ended up watching Glee, a show that she just loves. However, this was the big break-up episode, which ends with all the relationships on the rocks and everyone unhappy. Kiara still hasn't really processed the whole breaking-up with Bear thing. So she got all uneasy and sad, so she went and woke up her Issi to make her feel better. She ended up nestled in his arms, just crying softly. And he didn't have the energy to deal with that at the time, so it never really felt 'done'. Okay, no biggie, we'll deal with it. Someone else came out at some point, and we got up.

And then a friend got invited over for dinner. Boss wanted to cook dinner and clean up a bit - perfectly reasonable. But he didn't ask, he snapped orders about the cleaning up, and when we asked him for clarification, he bit off a 'because I'm the boss' kind of response instead of letting there be a discussion. So our feelings were hurt, and then he was upset because we were upset, and you know how that wheel turns, right? Everybody's upset and doesn't want to be, and there's no time to deal with it, so it waits.

But, it was Saturday night - time for the club! Now, I tend to count on going to the club and getting a good beating on one of the weekend nights each week, and I really need that regular stress relief. But this week, I had something planned that was going to push that till later; I was teaching a new person some of the basics. I recruited Boss to help me, and we actually had a really good teaching session. But as soon as it was over, he crashed. Crashed hard; like I wasn't sure I was going to be able to get him to the car and home. I went into full caretaker mode, and his mental merry-go-round spun pretty freely as I whisked him off home and to bed. Crisis handled. But no beating for me this weekend.

Sunday we still didn't have plans. And I'd been home for too long at this point. Between stress and needing a beating and arguments left unsettled and Kiara being upset and the apartment being dark & smelly... well, I was becoming a mess. I knew if I stayed at home all day, I was going to get really needy and demanding on the Boss's energy - energy he didn't have. So I exited. The truck needed cleaned out, so I headed out for the car wash. I was really fuzzy, and probably shouldn't have been driving, I'll admit in retrospect. And three of four hours later, I made it back home. I know what I did - I did the car wash thing, and a trip to Kmart, and ate lunch. Lunch helped a lot; I started clearing up after I ate. But I got fuzzy again by the time I got home.

When I got there, the screen was open, there were lights on, and cleaning was in progress. We set up fans to blow some fresh air through the house, and it was much more pleasant. After a while, I retreated to the bathtub for the evening, and then later asked to be tied up somewhat while I read in bed. Being tied up tends to center me and calm me down; I was hoping it would help. If not, my next resort was some cutting - Rubi has some new razors that she's looking forward to using. But I just didn't feel like having to deal with that. Luckily, the rope helped. When I woke up this morning, things are better. I'm back to my regular during-the-week schedule, and I'm planning on some play this weekend. I just have to get that far down the calendar.

Now the good thing is that, with the weekend being kind of stressful and unpleasant and fuzzy, I really can just barely remember as much as I've written here. Sometimes losing time is a good thing. The bad thing that goes with that is that I basically get two work-weeks in a row. Ugh. Looking forward to this weekend.

Redesign In Progress [Me]

Enough of the incipient redesign has come to light that we can share it. We do not have a new alter emerging; instead we will be decreasing in number. Two changes, really. First, Jarett has decided to go dormant. Not to disappear completely, but to 'close up shop' and shut down for the time being. Second, Lynn and Grace have decided to combine together as Gracelyn.

Jarett has never been comfortable being an alter. He's very male, and this body frustrates him to no end. Not just because of the sexual equipment, but other things. I'm too short, have curves and soft spots in the wrong places, hair that has to removed and hair that's missing. The muscles don't work correctly, and I even smell wrong. Everything I wear, though not truly girly, is certainly not masculine. Even when he can ignore the body issues, he's truly uncomfortable with my/our lifestyle. The kink bothers him, the poly bothers him. He hates the idea of sharing so much physically. Which has led him to withdraw more and more. The one thing he has been doing is driving. So he's been little more than a chauffeur. And that's not enough.

Lynn and Grace have also both expressed frustration with their limited scope of responsibilities within the system. Lynn has been observing, and she and I have had lots of conversation about how to keep the system in it's healthiest state. She comes out when someone needs comforting, to play Mom and say 'there, there'. But that's really about it. Grace emerged since our collaring to handle things like dressing up and makeup, and more recently, any housework we need to do. But that's still a fairly limited range of being, especially for me. She hasn't really found being part of us to be very interesting. The two of them do have a lot in common. They are the two non-sexual parts; both like to remain fully clothed and avoid sexual/romantic turns of conversation. They are both involved in organizing our life, one inside, one out. They both have slight accents, just as a side.

And so, the two ladies have decided to try joining forces. As a combined single alter, they can organize both inside and out, maintain our appearance, cook and clean, and generally be a housewife to Boss. They can also take over Jarett's driving duties, releasing him from his single responsibility. We've started the process; they are discussing which parts of each will be dominant. And we've started working on a pinboard for the two of them combined. Jarett's board will remain whole, but inactive.

We told Boss last night how the reorganization is looking. We had told him a few days back that something was imminent. And he stressed about it and asked over and over about it from one conversation to the other. We want to keep him informed so that we aren't surprising him, but we also want to wait until there's some answer to give him before we let him know there's something going on. It's a challenge to balance, one that I suspect has no winning strategy. But we gave him the outline last night, and have talked about it on and off with him since. He didn't take it well. Remember that our metamour, his other girlfriend, is also multiple. Rearranging for her has historically been very stressful and negative for him. I think his negative reaction to our rearrangement was more of a knee-jerk reaction than anything else.

But he has a female alter that has tried to be close to Jarett. And she was very understandably crushed that he was leaving. However, they really haven't interacted in weeks, perhaps months. Before that, they were trying to create some sort of relationship. But the wrongness of being both in opposite bodies was too much for Jarett. And he had trouble with her relationships with others of my alters, let alone with our metamour's alters. His discomfort just ran too deep. So I'm hoping to spend more time with her over the next days to help her deal with him leaving. I don't know what else I can do for her.

Time to Catch Up [Me]

So I've neglected my blog for nearly two months. It's because I've been busy, though, not because of depression or apathy or anything bad.

The last part of March, I was setting up another blog. This one is a one-time thing, really more of a picture album, with pics and commentary from my collaring. Unfortunately, it has stalled as I'm waiting for pictures to come back from the photographers/editors. You can find it here, and the username and password to get into it are both 'kinky'. It's about half-way done, and when the pictures come back I'll put them all up there. And I'm sure I'll say something about it here.

Then, Easter weekend, I went to Atlanta for Frolicon. That's the big kinky convention each year; this was my fourth year. I played and socialized and stayed up late and did all sorts of kinky stuff. I'll try to write a blog about it soon. There were some very mixed emotional parts to Frolicon for me this year.

As soon as I came back from Frolicon, we were moving. My dominant, my metamour, and I all moved into an apartment together, finally! That meant moving them out of their old apartment, and moving a lot of my stuff out of my house, all at the same time. That's almost complete, now.

But with the move, we had no internet for a couple of weeks, so the only time I could blog was at work. And I've taken a lot of time off work for Frolicon, for moving, and for dental work. So I'm just getting back on-kilter there, as well. And I've been playing merry madness to catch up all the stuff that's gotten put off during all this stuff.

So, my apologies to those who try to keep up with me. I haven't kept up on my blog reading, either, so I've got catch-up to do on my blogs that I read, too.

On the multi front, we've made a lot of progress 'taming' Silent One. It has completely emerged a few times; very interesting, a little scary. Gracelyn has fronted a few times - she despairs at my wardrobe and talks to herself. Paul's gotten some Legos and spent a lot of time out alone. Rubi has taken up topping, and is much more responsible about it than I'd expected.

Other things going on in my life - we're looking for a roommate to take my place at the house. The house needs some roof repair. I need to refinance the house. I need to write up leases for the current residents and for a new one. I need to finish the writing part of the roses blog. I have a friend that's requested a resume for me - to potentially become his boss. I need to write a whole lot here. My kid's coming home from college for a month, and we've got to pack up and store her stuff. Then I've got to store the rest of my stuff at the house - and finish moving over decorative items from the house to the apartment. I'm creating new characters for my DnD game. I'm arranging a play-reading night. I'm behind on my TV-show-watching (no internet = no Hulu). Gotta finish unpacking boxes and setting up the apartment. And, you know, life as usual.

Sisterhood [Me]

My metamour posted this the other day:

Happiness is:
- Gaining a sister. Master is officially collaring [M] tonight. In April, she will move in with us permanently. I’m very happy and excited!

I'm glad that at least part of her is very excited and happy about this change. This poly stuff can be hard. She and I both struggle to make ourselves happy about how things are, sometimes. Sometimes it's no struggle at all. Sometimes you just endure it.

Her system is much less stable than mine, and I know there are nuggets of jealousy and maliciousness and passive-aggressive manipulation in there. But there are also broad swaths of generosity and sisterhood and 'whatever-makes-Master-happy' in there, too.

I don't know what the future holds for the three of us, but I am becoming more and more confident that the future can hold the three of us, together. Some days maybe we'll just tolerate each other. But some days maybe we can be compatriots, sisters, friends.

Small Steps Toward Friendship [Me]

The boyfriend has been worrying himself a lot lately about the fact that his two girlfriends have not yet become close friends. I've blogged a couple of times touching on the subject. Basically, my reaction to that is that we are more likely to become friends when we are living together and spend more time around each other. The moving in process should create enough conflicts that we'll learn to get along better through that. And if we are both committed to getting along so we can be with him, well, it'll work itself out.

One of the issues is that she is also multiple - she has at least seven currently that I'm aware of, but has to reorganize a lot more frequently than I. And that means we're not talking about a relationship between two people. We're talking about one relationship shared among a dozen or more. Teachers could tell you, when you put a dozen people in a room and say, 'be friends', you're going to get a mixed bag of results. I really believe that most of her alters and most of my alters will be able to each get along with at least one person in the other's system, as time goes by. But some just won't.

Interestingly enough, the relationship I worry most of all about is her youngest and mine. Both are pretty possessive of the boyfriend, and both young enough to not like the idea of sharing. They relate to him a little differently; hers is much more innocent than mine, too. But I have faith in Kiara's ability to win people over.

She has one alter that is having serious jealousy problems over me. That one alter is very monogamous and doesn't want to share and is very angry that she's having to do so. Unfortunately, for a few weeks now, that alter has been the primary front. And she's acting out because of that jealousy and trying to sabotage the relationship the three of us have with pouting and guilt trips. This really makes me feel sad. And powerless. Because I'm not the one with the initial relationship with her, that puts the boyfriend square in the middle of it. He's put in the awkward position of having to somewhat play parent to her. I've tried to simply stay out of the way of that and be as supportive as possible of any changes he's needed to make to our plans because of it.

A few days ago, her system got together and decided that the jealousy and anger was becoming too big a problem. And they reorganized to pull that alter back some and not let her be in front as much. The last few days, mostly I've seen her slave alter. She's as devoted to her Master as is Cherish, but she's much more experienced at being a person, and not nearly as meek. And she doesn't share the jealousy issue - I make her Master happy, therefore she's pleased to have me there. I've really enjoyed speaking with her and I know we can get along well. We both want the household to run smoothly and happily, and can both compromise where needed.

So I think our (all three of us) relationship stands a much better chance of working well with this alter out. But it makes me very sad that the previous front-alter couldn't learn to get along from me, and has had to be pushed to the background instead. It feels like I've failed to get along with her, even though I know there's nothing really I could do. My hope is that, once we all live together for a few months, and she sees that I'm not going anywhere, but I'm not trying to push her out either, maybe we can get along okay, at least. I certainly understand her jealousy and anger, I just don't share it.