Littles' Party

No more posts recently because we've been completely unhappy. Relationships are falling apart; Boss lost his job; we've all been sick; I have both a tooth extraction and a root canal coming up. I don't know what's happening or going to happen. So I'll try to write about just the multiplicity part.

Since about Christmas, I've been sick. I call it my 'Yearly Ick', because I get it around the holidays each year.When I'm sick, nobody wants to come out in the body. When I'm fighting with Boss, nobody wants to come out and be around him. So I've been very much alone in the body for weeks now. In the last week or so, I've finally started to feel healthy enough that some alters will sneak out for short bursts. I have a video game on my tablet that Paul seems to like a lot. Kiara's got new toys since Christmas, as well as a new mattress in their room upstairs. So she's been out some. Sam came out just long enough to tease MK about something - poorly, because he didn't know it was her and it was about a sensitive subject - which lead to me having to offer an apology. She really doesn't know how to interact with him well.

But last night there was a Littles' Party at the club, and Kiara was definitely excited about it. All week, she's been coming out closer and closer to the front, letting me know what she planned to wear and what she wanted to take with her. When both MK and Boss indicated they'd like to go, well... new fighting, but it was resolved. So we all went. And almost had no kids at all.

The party hostess for the night is someone that seems to really want to be bestest friends with each of my alters and each of Boss's. However, most of us really just don't like her. She tries too hard. It feels like she wants to be friends with us just to be able to say, "Well, I'm close friends with several multiples, and..." So as we came in the door, all as our primary selves, carrying bags and needing to check in, she off and greets our littles by name, Kiara and Boss's little too. Since neither of them were out, but were all excited inside because they new they were coming to a party, it was really triggery. Kiara almost refused to come out at all at that point. I knew that wouldn't last, so we just got dressed in her clothes and let her calm down. But Boss's little is pretty shy anyway, so I knew that would be bad for him. Either way, everyone managed to have a low-key good time and play some.

DID Presentation [Me]

I want you to go watch this video. Yeah, it's really long. But it's worth it. It's a very basic overview of DID presented by a student who is a multiple. I just finished it. I did have to take a few breaks, both to work, and to keep my head together. Boss watched part of it last night, and it made him really spinny, as it has me. Talking really intensely about being multiple makes it more... active? My analogy to him was that it's like watching porn. Even it you're doing nothing, thinking about sex a lot makes you want to have sex. Thinking a lot about being multiple makes you lean toward more switching. So I have a switchy headache right now, not from switching, but from the effort to not switch. That has to wait until we leave work, of course. But for now, go watch the video.

Weekend Blues [Me]

This weekend was pretty icky. Stress in the household seems to be contagious from one system to another. My metamour has been needing some major dental work for a long time now, and finally got it done recently. Well, because of that she's been on heavy antibiotics, which make her feel horrible. Worse, they mute the effect of her anti-seizure meds. And then added to that are some pretty strong pain meds for after the dental work. So she's drugged, feeling sick, recovering from surgery, and having seizures. Then her father died. So now she's depressed on top of all of that. Which means, yeah, she's having a horrible time of it lately. I feel so bad for her, and there's absolutely zilch I can do to make her feel better. I've basically tried to stay out of her way and not cause her extra stress. Oh, and I brought her cupcakes and doughnuts. Soft foods that she loves.

So she's feeling terrible, and Boss is really sensitive to picking up emotions and soaking them up like a sponge. Which is great when folks around him are doing well - he gets an instant pick-me-up for free! And it means he is very sensitive to recognize when something is wrong and try to help fix it. But when it's not fixable, it just weighs on him, heavier and heavier. There's also work stress, of course, but mostly he's worried about her and feels helpless to do anything. Which really tarnishes his White Knight helmet. So he's crabby and mopey. And since he's trying so hard not to be crabby and mopey with her, some of it leaks out with me. So he's been pretty authoritarian and a bit snappish. I understand why he is, and I try to let it wash over, but I still get some hurt feelings over it.

Which means now I'm all grouchy and pouty. And the three of us are there together trying not to offend one another and still get our needs met without interfering with anyone else. It's tough. And it's no one's fault; we just have to get through this time. I'm trying not to be needy and demanding of Boss's attention, because he's worn out trying to attend to the Metamour. She's just trying to get through the day without losing it, and he's trying to take care of both of us and his work. Yes, our apartment is now carpeted with metaphysical eggshells.

So, this weekend. Friday night there was a private party at the club, and I decided not to go. So I was pretty much at home. Now, I'm not a stay-at-home kind of person. Too much time at home and I get antsy. Especially when it's dark and we have to be quiet, because we're trying to let the Metamour sleep as much as possible to get through the drugs and healing. And the animals have picked up on the stress and are acting out, so it's kind of not smelling so good lately - and that means my allergies are making me crabby too. So I'm home on Friday, and it's fine. Saturday, I somehow didn't make any plans, so we slept in.

I got 'done' sleeping long before Boss did, and got on the computer. Kiara ended up watching Glee, a show that she just loves. However, this was the big break-up episode, which ends with all the relationships on the rocks and everyone unhappy. Kiara still hasn't really processed the whole breaking-up with Bear thing. So she got all uneasy and sad, so she went and woke up her Issi to make her feel better. She ended up nestled in his arms, just crying softly. And he didn't have the energy to deal with that at the time, so it never really felt 'done'. Okay, no biggie, we'll deal with it. Someone else came out at some point, and we got up.

And then a friend got invited over for dinner. Boss wanted to cook dinner and clean up a bit - perfectly reasonable. But he didn't ask, he snapped orders about the cleaning up, and when we asked him for clarification, he bit off a 'because I'm the boss' kind of response instead of letting there be a discussion. So our feelings were hurt, and then he was upset because we were upset, and you know how that wheel turns, right? Everybody's upset and doesn't want to be, and there's no time to deal with it, so it waits.

But, it was Saturday night - time for the club! Now, I tend to count on going to the club and getting a good beating on one of the weekend nights each week, and I really need that regular stress relief. But this week, I had something planned that was going to push that till later; I was teaching a new person some of the basics. I recruited Boss to help me, and we actually had a really good teaching session. But as soon as it was over, he crashed. Crashed hard; like I wasn't sure I was going to be able to get him to the car and home. I went into full caretaker mode, and his mental merry-go-round spun pretty freely as I whisked him off home and to bed. Crisis handled. But no beating for me this weekend.

Sunday we still didn't have plans. And I'd been home for too long at this point. Between stress and needing a beating and arguments left unsettled and Kiara being upset and the apartment being dark & smelly... well, I was becoming a mess. I knew if I stayed at home all day, I was going to get really needy and demanding on the Boss's energy - energy he didn't have. So I exited. The truck needed cleaned out, so I headed out for the car wash. I was really fuzzy, and probably shouldn't have been driving, I'll admit in retrospect. And three of four hours later, I made it back home. I know what I did - I did the car wash thing, and a trip to Kmart, and ate lunch. Lunch helped a lot; I started clearing up after I ate. But I got fuzzy again by the time I got home.

When I got there, the screen was open, there were lights on, and cleaning was in progress. We set up fans to blow some fresh air through the house, and it was much more pleasant. After a while, I retreated to the bathtub for the evening, and then later asked to be tied up somewhat while I read in bed. Being tied up tends to center me and calm me down; I was hoping it would help. If not, my next resort was some cutting - Rubi has some new razors that she's looking forward to using. But I just didn't feel like having to deal with that. Luckily, the rope helped. When I woke up this morning, things are better. I'm back to my regular during-the-week schedule, and I'm planning on some play this weekend. I just have to get that far down the calendar.

Now the good thing is that, with the weekend being kind of stressful and unpleasant and fuzzy, I really can just barely remember as much as I've written here. Sometimes losing time is a good thing. The bad thing that goes with that is that I basically get two work-weeks in a row. Ugh. Looking forward to this weekend.

Who Am I? TRIGGER WARNING [Paul]

So M says I can write about myself here, and it'll be okay, because the people who read this will get it, and it's safe. I'll give it a try. I'm Paul, and this is my first blog post ever. I've decided to try to make myself a little bit more separate from the rest of the system, and try not to be so shy to everybody. So I made myself a separate profile on the kinky site last night, where I can have my own separate friends and stuff. And now I'm writing here. So I guess I'll tell my story - but M says I have to put a trigger warning because it could upset some people. So stop reading here if you have problems like that.

I showed up like a year ago in the Meronym system. And I think I frightened everyone, because I've got some scary memories in my head. The memories freak out M because they can't be memories of her own, so where the heck did I get them from? I don't know, but they are there. Most of them are from when I was little, like under 10 at least, and an 'Uncle' molested me. I don't know if it's someone that was actually related to me or not, but he's big and sweaty and fat and hairy. I don't guess I have to explain what I mean by he molested me - you don't need a play-by-play. But I never told my Mom or anything, because if I did he said he'd do the same thing to my baby brother. And I've gotta protect my brother, so I'll get through it.

Which gets really messed up, because now that I'm in M's body, there isn't really a baby brother, or an Uncle, or anything. I do have a mom; she's known in M's system as Cherish. And she could never stick up for me even if she knew something was going on. But I won't tell her, and neither will anyone else. So I've got this inside-my-memories world, and outside-in-M's-body world, and inside-the Meronym-system world. And they don't touch each other, except sometimes at night when I'm supposed to be sleeping.

In the Memory World, all that stuff continued until I was in High School, and then the Uncle stopped coming around. Mom said he would be gone for a long time and not come back - I think he went to prison or something. So I did protect my brother all that time, and he's safe. I'm sixteen in that world, and when I get out of school, I'm going to take care of my brother and my Mom and make sure nobody ever hurts them ever. Mom always asks if I'm going to have a girlfriend sometime, but everybody else has figured out that I like boys. I don't want to deal with that until I get out of school, though. I've got enough to deal with now.

So in the Meronym World, I'm a different age. I'm eleven most of the time. Me and Kiara argue sometimes, but we stick up for each other, too. Sometimes I have panic attacks, and she's really good about coming out to help me stay steady when that happens. I'm always scared of people, and she's not afraid of nothing. Cherish is my mom, here, too, but she's all sweet and nice and not tired and sick all the time here. I have a room all to myself, and I've got legos covering one entire wall and a huge castle built in my room with them.

In the outside, 'real' world - I'm not really convinced it's any more real than the others - I'm in a 37-year-old woman's body. I can't climb things, I can't run and play, I'm fat and slow and hurting. And the equipment's all wrong. But there's somebody to take care of me - M calls him Boss, here - and I'm starting to make some friends. But I can slide ages really easily. I kinda default to eleven, but I can slip real easy into eight or fourteen. Once I got as young as four, and once I got to sixteen. When I'm eight, I'm a lot more scared, and things hurt more easy. But fun things are a lot more fun, and I really like it when the Boss tells me I'm his boy and hangs out with me. When I get to fourteen, I've got a lot more confidence - I even can flirt and tease sometimes, if I don't get too embarrassed. I like playing games and figuring things out that might be kinda complicated. Boss says I'm really smart.

I'm starting to make some friends other than Boss in this world. There's a couple of guys that are a little like me; in a girl body but not really a girl. Neither of them are multiple, I don't think, but they seem to get me a little. Boss introduced me to another friend of his that's gay - and his friends. He's super friendly, and I think I could be friends with him. And there's a guy that I kind of have a crush on. He doesn't like kids, so I don't think he likes me, but he's at least been friendly, and I can pretend in my head that he likes me. Almost all these folks are into the kink stuff, but I'm not. I mean, sex, yeah, but not hurting each other.

Wow, so I didn't think I'd want to write much here, but I guess I did write a lot. Now I think maybe I said too much. But not many people will see it, I think, so I guess it's okay. Um, I guess if anyone wants to get to know me better, you can ask me questions here and M will tell me about them. So, bye.

It's Coming... [Me]

Something is coming, some change. I'm not sure what it is, and avoiding worrying about it has kept me from blogging. Also, how do I write about something that I'm not sure what it is? There's a note on the internal whiteboard that some sort of internal reorganization may be underway. The last few times that's happened, we've increased in number. Isn't ten enough people to have in my head? Anyway, I haven't really heard any new voices, so maybe it's something else. I did see Kiara playing around a few weeks ago, moving around pieces of paper on the floor with everyone's names written on them; I don't know if that's related. But there are definitely symptoms of 'Change on the Horizon'.

Last weekend, I had a pretty bad breakdown. Sunday morning we went to a birthday party, but I really wasn't in any shape to be around people. There's work being done in our apartment, and it's been seriously interfering with my routines and peace of mind. I don't handle well having everything I own piled up haphazardly and having to sleep in another room. But there was no way we were going to miss the party, so I was trying to push on through. I got there, though, and just wasn't able to handle it. I ended up being sent upstairs to take a shower and put on fresh clothes, since I hadn't been able to shower at home that day because of the mess, and I was so messed up in the head that I had put on a dirty shirt instead of a clean one. I got upstairs, started the shower, and just collapsed, sobbing. Boss showed up a few minutes later to hold me and let me cry it out; then he put me into the shower and got me cleaned up. Sure enough, I felt a lot better once I was cleaned up and had had some 'poor me' time.

The week after was just fine, but this weekend, we had another issue. Friday night we went out to the dungeon as usual. I knew it was going to be a bit of  weird night; the Bear was going to be there. And the friend running the night's activities is moving out of town; this would be his last time there. And someone would be there that has frequently excited Paul's attention - and Paul's not allowed out at the dungeon. On the way to the club, Kiara popped up internally asking about the Bear and the friend that's moving. And she was being really difficult and pouty about both situations. To the point we had to make her 'go to her room'. So I expected it to be a touchy evening. I knew the Boss would play with me and help me stay sorted out. Yeah, well, that didn't go so well. I can't really say what happened, because I've lost that time, but it sounds like I just didn't respond normally, and then collapsed partway through, Silent One coming out in catatonic mode. Boss dealt with it as best he could, eventually getting Cherish to come out. He quickly got us home and to bed. The next morning, I was a little shaky, but mostly okay. And I had lost the time entirely. I remember supper that night, and I woke up in the morning, with maybe a couple of snippets of conversation that may or may not be valid. I hate losing time.


And this morning we had another episode of loss of control. Boss was stressed yesterday, and Lynn ended up coming out to comfort him, something that only happens rarely. But the day went fine. Sometime in the night, we were cuddling and stuff, and he triggered a reaction that we've purposely set up for play purposes. One that needs him to 'release' me from it when over. And we fell asleep before he released me. This morning, the alarm went off, and somehow I was co-conscious with Silent One. I was able to get up and shower and stuff as normal, but I couldn't speak, and Silent One was pawing at Boss to wake him, and reacting as it usually does to things going on. We were stuck both out together, and it was extremely uncomfortable. And alarming, since I had to go in to work very shortly. However, Boss figured out what was going on (even though I couldn't tell him), and managed to help us switch back around to me being out.


And that's when I saw the note on the internal message board that some internal reorganization is coming up. I'm not sure what that's going to be, as it hasn't sorted itself out yet. 

Meltdown Hangover [Me]

I had a complete meltdown last night; I'm still not sure what happened or why.

What happened yesterday evening: We went to the store, came home and put up groceries. I did some laundry while the Boss made supper. We all ate, I did some reading, and then he came to bed. We had some sort of argument over a lamp, and then I fell apart. Eventually, he got me back to myself, we had sex, and went to sleep.

What I remember: We went to the store. Then I was stuck in some sort of mental loop that had me spinning and switching. Trying to get control of it was like trying to hold onto an armful of wet sand. The Boss tried to just quietly hold me, but the quieter he got, the deeper I sank into my head, into the confusion. I switched and switched and switched. Finally, he managed to keep touching me, keeping my attention outside and on him, instead of inside. 


I woke up this morning on his side of the bed with the sheet pulled off the mattress. I had a grandaddy of a headache, and feel pretty yucky. I've got a meltdown hangover. And a chunk of memory loss to go with it. I hate this feeling. I hate having lost time. I hate arguing with someone I love. 


Worse, because of the lost time, I don't know what really triggered the issue. He said it was just a little argument over the lamp. That doesn't seem like sufficient to have an issue over. I was fine at the store. But what happened between the two? Did something come up he doesn't know about? I can't really believe that arguing over a lamp was the only thing that happened, but I don't have a way to access what else may have been going on.

Let's NOT Go To The Movies (Me, Lynn)

So it seems that watching movies may not be the best activity to promote internal peace for me. Earlier this week, I went to the movie theatre, and ended up having a pretty major mental break. Of course, it wasn't just the movie. Background first - a couple of my friends are about to get divorced. It's running fairly amicably, so far. They decided to go to the movie together, for some reason. Her... boyfriend, for lack of a better term, was going too. So when the husband called and invited me, I got the impression he might need someone there as a buffer, so I had to go. Well, I dragged along my boyfriend, and several other people showed up as well.

So there were several factors going into this thing - the tension between the divorcing couple, the tension between her boyfriend and her husband, and several people there that I had never met. Also, I had had a horrible day at work, so I was already feeling a bit tense and unhappy for myself. And I had had to reschedule plans already made for the evening in order to attend, which will often make me grumpy.

Added to that, my boyfriend expressed some concerns about me watching this particular movie. We were going to see Sucker Punch. If you haven't seen it/heard about it, it's got a lot of surreal qualities and abuse themes and it's dark and weird. And partly takes place in a mental institution. Remember my problems watching Dragonfly because it was in a hospital with the surreal feeling? Yeah, much much worse. So he was right; this was not a movie I should have seen.

Getting through the movie was a little twitchy, but not horrible. But when it was over, I just had a mental break. The last things I remember clearly were walking down the hallway at the theatre clutching my coke in front of me like a life preserver, and the clock in my truck reading 9:41, and a feeling like I needed to cry. The next thing I remember really clearly is going to work the next morning.

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This is Counselor, now, and I'll have to write the remainder of this post for M, as she wasn't participating in the rest of the evening. The movie made us - as a sytem - profoundly uneasy. It was too violent for Kiara, enough sex to attract Sam, enough violence to attract Rubi, girls in sexy outfits that tickled Jarett's attention, and a clinical setting that both interested me and made Silent One twitch. The movie characters seemed to dissociate between one reality and the next rather freely, which triggered our system quite severely.

When we left the theater, M had already made plans to go to a friend's house afterward. So her boyfriend left, and everyone else left, leaving her/us alone in the parking lot. We sat in our vehicle for a while trying to either cry and get it out of our system or recover, but that wasn't happening. So we went driving for a while; taking the longest possible way our friend's house. We went approximately an hour out of our way, and were still quite shaky when we arrived. Sleep was out of the question at that point, so pizza was ordered and a kids' movie was put on. Kiara finally emerged for most of the movie, and through her we were able to eventually sleep.

I am considering putting a hold on all movie-watching for a while, as this makes two movies that have triggered negative episodes lately. However, all that does is push off dealing with the issues. So the alternative is to wach some potentially triggering movies, deliberately setting off any negative associations, with some controls in place. Having a kids' movie handy to watch afterward seems to be a valid mechanism for overwriting the negative experience. I'd like to have at least two people with us that can deal with any alters that emerge, and watch the suspect movies early in the day when there is plenty of time to recover before bedtime.

It has been several days now since the movie, and we're still a bit weepy and on edge. We've not slept well all week, but it's difficult to determine which is cause and which effect. So we'll push through. We'll spend as much time as possible with positive people around us, and ask for some compassionate moments with those people. And we'll stay busy as much as we can. If things go really well, perhaps we can get a good night's sleep - or two nights, even. Then we'll see if our moods even out.

Trigger Event (Lynn)

Greetings, this will be my first post here. I am Counselor (Update - As of August 2011, Counselor will be using the name Lynn instead). It is my role to coordinate our system's activities and memories so that we can function succesfully in a singleton-oriented world. Yesterday evening, we found a new trigger for our system, and I feel it important to document it here.

Every person has certain triggers that set off their particular neuroses. For a multiple, triggers can set off unexpected emotions and behaviors, including hard switches to other alters and moods that aren't appropriate to the situation. For example, one trigger that is known to set off any of the members of this system is someone grabbing our throat. Even something inanimate, like wearing a turtleneck, can be uncomfortable and distracting. But a hand on my throat, grabbing my throat - that will receive a violent response, of some sort. It is this sort of thing that originated Silent One, and the body could go completely unresponsive. Or could react by attacking the person grabbing. It's hard to predict, and thus we warn people off of grabbing our throat.

Yesterday evening, we discovered a new trigger to be aware of. The mood was light and pleasant, and we were sitting and watching a movie with one of our friends. Another friend came in during the movie as well. Approximately the first third of this movie was set primarily in a hospital, where the main character is a doctor. And it had a spooky, otherworldly atmosphere during this section. There is a particular scene where the doctor is in a hospital corridor at night. With the lights dimmed, he's alone facing down a long spooky corridor. And something inside our mind clicked. There was a time during my first marriage that a catatonic state would drift to sleeping, waking with screaming nightmares involving people in white lab coats and long dim hallways. This scene in the movie triggered that association. We curled up around the people watching the movie with us. The body began trembling, and there was an intense urge to silently weep which we decided to contain. It was terribly unpleasant, and included a strong feeling of helplessness.

The movie shifted away from the hospital, but the damage had already been done. For the rest of the evening, we shifted from one alter to another, or several at a time, quite frequently. And all were unsettled and unhappy. The feeling of helplessness, a sense of disconnect, and the urge to weep remained, even when the movie was over and we were outwardly participating happily in hanging out with our friends. It wasn't until just before falling asleep that the world seemed to return to being truly tangible and stable.

We have watched medical dramas and other shows taking place in hospitals with no negative associations, so I would tentatively conclude that it was the particular image of the dimmed corridor and the sense of otherworldliness leading up to this scene that pushed the trigger. It is something I will begin watching for and trying to avoid.