Catching up again. I keep catching up so that I can then post about something I want to talk about, but I don't seem to get past the catching up. Maybe this time?
No big changes in my head. Sam and Rubi came out to play at the club this past weekend (I'm finally healthy enough to play reasonably again!), and Paul and Kiara come out from time to time, though not nearly as much as they used to. Glass is still there in the background, and that seems to be it.
The dental work is done - I had two teeth pulled, and I've recovered from that. MK has been having some dental work too, and he's about done - including two teeth pulled. Boss started his new job, and once the health benefits kick in, he can get his dental work done.
One reason that we've been able to get the dental stuff worked on is that there is more money in the household, because I SOLD THE HOUSE! After almost a year on the market, I'm no longer paying a mortgage on a house I don't live in. That's had a lot of trickle-down effects on us. First, the money to do the dental work. Second, my daughter lost her place to stay, so she's camping at our house, in Paul and Kiara's room upstairs. That could be contributing to their being out less, maybe? I don't know. Third, we've rebalanced how much money each of us is contributing to the Household pot. Which means Boss gets some fiscal relief, too.
He'll need the extra money to buy a car before long. He's driving my truck for now to the new job, which seems to be working out just fine. It does mean he leaves much earlier in the day and comes home later, and I don't get to carpool with him. That's taken away some 'together-time' that we really could use. We're still struggling to redefine our relationship without a collar involved, as well as our/the three of us relationship.
Metamour is still working on getting out. She thought she had a job, but then spent a week in the hospital and had surgery and all. She's recovering well, and should be much healthier than she has been, but the initial job is now unsuitable for her. The first goal was for her to move out by the first of April, and she hasn't, but we didn't really expect to make that goal. She is doing a lot of searching for jobs and apartments, however, and seems to be genuinely trying.
The biggest worry I have right now is MK. Boss and I are arguing a good bit, and because of that I'm focusing a lot on trying to fix some of those issues, and in the meantime I'm ignoring MK way more than is fair. However, the fights Boss and I are having are more airing of grievances between equals than they were before, and I feel like we're struggling instead of just plain failing. I'm not as depressed, just frustrated. The good side of the relationship stuff is that MK and Boss and I are all going out as a group of three more often. Usually to the movies, but that usually means a meal before or after as well. I do find that encouraging.
I think that as Metamour does eventually get moved out, and my daughter gets a place of her own, the three of us are beginning to have a chance to work. So I'm still feeling hopeful overall, even if I have moments of feeling doomed and failing.
Showing posts with label healthcare. Show all posts
Showing posts with label healthcare. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Monday, February 9, 2015
Resolutions, Not the New Years Kind (Me)
It's time to catch my readers up on what's going on. There are a number of situations that have impacted us lately that all seem to have been resolved or moving quickly toward a resolution. I feel like things are going to start getting better from this point on. Here's hoping.
Glass seems to be sticking around, but just in the background. Paul and Kiara have both been out a little bit lately; not back to normal, but enough that I'm not worried about them. Sam and Rubi haven't really been out, but I can hear them around inside. So we're back to six people for now.
I'm still dealing with dental work. We made two attempts at the root canal, and couldn't get it through. So we're having the tooth pulled, along with another that was slated for extraction. That'll be this Friday, and then that should be the end of things going on with my teeth, I hope.
I mentioned before that Boss lost his job about a month ago. There were a couple of jobs out of town that he was looking at; and I had already decided I wasn't willing to move out of town if he took them. So we were scared that the job thing was going to force us to break up. Well, last Friday he accepted a new job, and it's in town. So all the stress that goes with unemployment is handled. There may be a week or two break in the income stream, but we've already prepared for that.
Now, this means that Boss is going to need a car. I have a second vehicle, a truck, but my daughter has been driving it. Well, she bought a car this weekend, so we'll have the truck back. It's not a good choice for Boss to drive to/from work forever, but it'll do just fine for a while. Timing sometimes works out really well.
As part of the discussions about out-of-town jobs, MK and I talked a lot about whether he and I and Boss were a viable relationship. Even if Boss took a job in town, all of us splitting up and moving out separately was an option we were looking at. And we had to wait for a job to be picked up before we could really make any decisions. The three of us have decided to keep pushing to make things work. Knowing that we are all three committed to that really eases my mind and gives me some hope that we can succeed. I'm feeling pretty good about things in that realm now.
Part of what we have to work on is the change in my relationship with Boss. A few weeks back, just before the job loss was announced, I think, I decided I could no longer wear Boss's collar. I have tried to be his submissive, but I felt like I was failing at it all the time. I think part of that comes from losing Cherish and Stephanie, and even Gracelyn. So we are going to try being boyfriend and girlfriend (and boyfriend) instead. This is new territory for us, but hopefully this will turn into something where we all feel like we're succeeding more.
Now, I did say the three of us, and there are four people in our family. It's been decided that the Metamour will be transitioning out of our household over the next few months. That relationship has just not proved to be salvageable, so we're working on changing that. So now she's doing the job search thing, and trying to plan out what she's going to be doing instead. That has the potential to turn into a lot of stress in the household, but we're all going to help her as much as we can reasonably do so.
Oh, and I'm finally over the Yearly Ick. With all the situations beginning to resolve, the despair and hopelessness and depression is lifting. So things are looking up, and I think they'll continue to do so.
Glass seems to be sticking around, but just in the background. Paul and Kiara have both been out a little bit lately; not back to normal, but enough that I'm not worried about them. Sam and Rubi haven't really been out, but I can hear them around inside. So we're back to six people for now.
I'm still dealing with dental work. We made two attempts at the root canal, and couldn't get it through. So we're having the tooth pulled, along with another that was slated for extraction. That'll be this Friday, and then that should be the end of things going on with my teeth, I hope.
I mentioned before that Boss lost his job about a month ago. There were a couple of jobs out of town that he was looking at; and I had already decided I wasn't willing to move out of town if he took them. So we were scared that the job thing was going to force us to break up. Well, last Friday he accepted a new job, and it's in town. So all the stress that goes with unemployment is handled. There may be a week or two break in the income stream, but we've already prepared for that.
Now, this means that Boss is going to need a car. I have a second vehicle, a truck, but my daughter has been driving it. Well, she bought a car this weekend, so we'll have the truck back. It's not a good choice for Boss to drive to/from work forever, but it'll do just fine for a while. Timing sometimes works out really well.
As part of the discussions about out-of-town jobs, MK and I talked a lot about whether he and I and Boss were a viable relationship. Even if Boss took a job in town, all of us splitting up and moving out separately was an option we were looking at. And we had to wait for a job to be picked up before we could really make any decisions. The three of us have decided to keep pushing to make things work. Knowing that we are all three committed to that really eases my mind and gives me some hope that we can succeed. I'm feeling pretty good about things in that realm now.
Part of what we have to work on is the change in my relationship with Boss. A few weeks back, just before the job loss was announced, I think, I decided I could no longer wear Boss's collar. I have tried to be his submissive, but I felt like I was failing at it all the time. I think part of that comes from losing Cherish and Stephanie, and even Gracelyn. So we are going to try being boyfriend and girlfriend (and boyfriend) instead. This is new territory for us, but hopefully this will turn into something where we all feel like we're succeeding more.
Now, I did say the three of us, and there are four people in our family. It's been decided that the Metamour will be transitioning out of our household over the next few months. That relationship has just not proved to be salvageable, so we're working on changing that. So now she's doing the job search thing, and trying to plan out what she's going to be doing instead. That has the potential to turn into a lot of stress in the household, but we're all going to help her as much as we can reasonably do so.
Oh, and I'm finally over the Yearly Ick. With all the situations beginning to resolve, the despair and hopelessness and depression is lifting. So things are looking up, and I think they'll continue to do so.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Now Drugged for Your Protection... [Me]
My mood swings have been improving lately. I asked the doctor to set me up on some anxiety meds to calm me down. He put me on Vistaril, which is anti-anxiety, anti-psychotic, and oddly enough, antihistamine. It's actually helping more than I anticipated, though of course I wonder how much of that is because I was told it would work. The anger flashes are still happening, but more rarely, and of much less intensity. The depression and sadness are still there, but I feel a little bit removed from them. They don't seem to be as all-consuming. So that's good.
The major side effect is that I get horribly sleepy after taking it - sometimes. Some nights thirty minutes after I take it, and some nights a couple of hours after taking it. Some nights I haven't seen any problem. But I get drugged-sleepy, like nearly walking into walls sleepy. Last week, it hit me hard on date night with MK, and all I could do was go to bed. He laid nearby with me, but that was the whole date. Wow, excitement...
I was worried that it would affect my switching about. All drugs, as well as stress, seem to affect my switching about. And I'm switching less, but I am switching, and I can mostly control it. So I don't think I've 'lost' anyone, or dropped the ability to deal with my multiplicity because of the drugs. Honestly, I see the less switching as more a progression from how I was doing before finding out my dad was dying.
So I'm hoping the drowsiness will pass as I get more used to the drug. I am enjoying the deeper sleep at night, but I feel like I need a little extra time to sleep. So in theory, bedtime is earlier. We'll see if I can do it.
---
Dad went back to the hospital yesterday. It worried me; I had this flash of panic that 'this is it'. But this time it was complications from one of the meds he's on.
My daughter still hasn't been able to get free to go see him and say goodbye. I'm worried how she'll take it if she doesn't see him before it happens. She has the potential for a lot of guilt for not doing the right thing. And even though she hasn't ever been close to him, his dying will hurt her a lot more than it will me. She just feels more than I do, it seems.
I talked to Dad's wife before and after the ER trip yesterday. I ended up playing counselor for her, because she's struggling to do the right thing for Dad, to make the decisions with him and how he wants them. But his family (my family) is resisting her. She feels a lot of antagonism from them, specifically from one of my aunts. And I keep telling her to let that go, don't engage, and deal with this for Dad. The problem is, she deserves the resistance. Yes, the aunt in question can be overbearing and is known for marginalizing the spouses of her siblings, but the wife is pretty antagonistic and poisonous, too. For the last fifteen-plus years, I've avoided getting close to my dad because of his wife's venom. But he's dying, and I'll put up with her for his sake until he's gone. So here I am, playing counselor for this woman I don't like, trying to encourage her to get along with everyone for his sake.
How come I have to be the grown-up in this case? Yes, my aunt is losing her brother, and the wife is losing her husband. I'm losing my Daddy, too, you know.
The major side effect is that I get horribly sleepy after taking it - sometimes. Some nights thirty minutes after I take it, and some nights a couple of hours after taking it. Some nights I haven't seen any problem. But I get drugged-sleepy, like nearly walking into walls sleepy. Last week, it hit me hard on date night with MK, and all I could do was go to bed. He laid nearby with me, but that was the whole date. Wow, excitement...
I was worried that it would affect my switching about. All drugs, as well as stress, seem to affect my switching about. And I'm switching less, but I am switching, and I can mostly control it. So I don't think I've 'lost' anyone, or dropped the ability to deal with my multiplicity because of the drugs. Honestly, I see the less switching as more a progression from how I was doing before finding out my dad was dying.
So I'm hoping the drowsiness will pass as I get more used to the drug. I am enjoying the deeper sleep at night, but I feel like I need a little extra time to sleep. So in theory, bedtime is earlier. We'll see if I can do it.
---
Dad went back to the hospital yesterday. It worried me; I had this flash of panic that 'this is it'. But this time it was complications from one of the meds he's on.
My daughter still hasn't been able to get free to go see him and say goodbye. I'm worried how she'll take it if she doesn't see him before it happens. She has the potential for a lot of guilt for not doing the right thing. And even though she hasn't ever been close to him, his dying will hurt her a lot more than it will me. She just feels more than I do, it seems.
I talked to Dad's wife before and after the ER trip yesterday. I ended up playing counselor for her, because she's struggling to do the right thing for Dad, to make the decisions with him and how he wants them. But his family (my family) is resisting her. She feels a lot of antagonism from them, specifically from one of my aunts. And I keep telling her to let that go, don't engage, and deal with this for Dad. The problem is, she deserves the resistance. Yes, the aunt in question can be overbearing and is known for marginalizing the spouses of her siblings, but the wife is pretty antagonistic and poisonous, too. For the last fifteen-plus years, I've avoided getting close to my dad because of his wife's venom. But he's dying, and I'll put up with her for his sake until he's gone. So here I am, playing counselor for this woman I don't like, trying to encourage her to get along with everyone for his sake.
How come I have to be the grown-up in this case? Yes, my aunt is losing her brother, and the wife is losing her husband. I'm losing my Daddy, too, you know.
Friday, March 7, 2014
Big Things Happening [Me]
I'm being poked at to blog. Because I haven't. Because I have too much to say. Today may be a bad day for it, because I'm fighting off a 'depressed'. I'm really in need of some non-sexual skin-contact cuddling and petting. Just comfort, really. I think it's because I am just overwhelmed with so many things that I need to do and get done.
Let's see, the little stuff first.
My birthday was last week, and Kiara/Paul's is next week. The body was born February 26, and all the adults in the system are fine claiming that as their birthday. Kiara claims March 11 as her birthday, and invited Paul to share it, so the kids have their own birthday, two weeks after mine.
The 2nd anniversary of my collaring to Boss was last week, also. We didn't celebrate quite the way we intended. We were going to do a scene with needles (yuck) the Saturday before, but we were waiting for late in the evening. So early in the evening, Kiara asked Boss for a little spanking. It started out well, but he thought she had switched out and escalated. She hadn't switched out, so she ended up mad at him, and put us both off-balance. We didn't recover from it that evening, so we just went home early. We did make up the scene the next weekend.
My work's being a little crazy. They fired 17 people all at once about a month ago. I was part of a two-person helpdesk, and the other person was one of the Seventeen. So I'm now on-call 24/7 as the only person on the Helpdesk, and I'm scrambling a little trying to figure out some of the things that the other girl did and I don't really know how to do. We're still fiddling with how things work now, so there's some unsureness going on there.
My daughter passed through town going to a conference, and will be coming back through on Sunday headed back. This is good, but extra hassle trying to figure scheduling and sleeping arrangements and such.
I've been having a lot of doctor-health-stuff lately, as you probably read in earlier blogs. Which also means extra money issues. I got billed an extra $400 for the liver biopsy over and above what they told me. I went back to the gastroenterologist to get HepA & B vaccinations, and soon will be going to an hematologist to have blood drawn regularly to get my ferritin levels down.
And the big stuff. We're moving. We found a house that we all four like. Yeah, that's great stuff, not depressing stuff. But what comes along with it are money stresses (as we pay for three places to live for the next month), lists of things to do, packing & unpacking, getting utilities transferred and movers booked, and all other kinds of stuff to make it happen. So I'm excited, but flooded with Stuff To Do. And of course, because I am who I am, I feel like every little piece of it is my responsibility. Even though there are three other adults involved.
And because I'm feeling overwhelmed and a bit depressed, my mind is attributing motivations to other people's actions that are probably completely made up. Like MK has cancelled on a couple of nights to come over and hang out. I feel like he's avoiding me, right when I really need some cuddling. Of course, the logical part of my brain mentions the fact that he's probably really really busy at work, as evidenced by his getting home from work at like 8pm each night. I know, because that's when he's texting me that he just got home and doesn't feel like coming over. But yeah, feels like he's just not interested - because I'm stressed - not his fault.
So yeah, lots of good things happening, but just stressed out about it all. Birthdays (one down and one more to go). Anniversaries (we beat the two-year expiration point!). Work (I'm the one who stayed, not the one who got fired). Getting to see the Girl - twice! Health stuff - no hemochromatosis. Found a house to live together (lots of stuff to do).
Let's see, the little stuff first.
My birthday was last week, and Kiara/Paul's is next week. The body was born February 26, and all the adults in the system are fine claiming that as their birthday. Kiara claims March 11 as her birthday, and invited Paul to share it, so the kids have their own birthday, two weeks after mine.
The 2nd anniversary of my collaring to Boss was last week, also. We didn't celebrate quite the way we intended. We were going to do a scene with needles (yuck) the Saturday before, but we were waiting for late in the evening. So early in the evening, Kiara asked Boss for a little spanking. It started out well, but he thought she had switched out and escalated. She hadn't switched out, so she ended up mad at him, and put us both off-balance. We didn't recover from it that evening, so we just went home early. We did make up the scene the next weekend.
My work's being a little crazy. They fired 17 people all at once about a month ago. I was part of a two-person helpdesk, and the other person was one of the Seventeen. So I'm now on-call 24/7 as the only person on the Helpdesk, and I'm scrambling a little trying to figure out some of the things that the other girl did and I don't really know how to do. We're still fiddling with how things work now, so there's some unsureness going on there.
My daughter passed through town going to a conference, and will be coming back through on Sunday headed back. This is good, but extra hassle trying to figure scheduling and sleeping arrangements and such.
I've been having a lot of doctor-health-stuff lately, as you probably read in earlier blogs. Which also means extra money issues. I got billed an extra $400 for the liver biopsy over and above what they told me. I went back to the gastroenterologist to get HepA & B vaccinations, and soon will be going to an hematologist to have blood drawn regularly to get my ferritin levels down.
And the big stuff. We're moving. We found a house that we all four like. Yeah, that's great stuff, not depressing stuff. But what comes along with it are money stresses (as we pay for three places to live for the next month), lists of things to do, packing & unpacking, getting utilities transferred and movers booked, and all other kinds of stuff to make it happen. So I'm excited, but flooded with Stuff To Do. And of course, because I am who I am, I feel like every little piece of it is my responsibility. Even though there are three other adults involved.
And because I'm feeling overwhelmed and a bit depressed, my mind is attributing motivations to other people's actions that are probably completely made up. Like MK has cancelled on a couple of nights to come over and hang out. I feel like he's avoiding me, right when I really need some cuddling. Of course, the logical part of my brain mentions the fact that he's probably really really busy at work, as evidenced by his getting home from work at like 8pm each night. I know, because that's when he's texting me that he just got home and doesn't feel like coming over. But yeah, feels like he's just not interested - because I'm stressed - not his fault.
So yeah, lots of good things happening, but just stressed out about it all. Birthdays (one down and one more to go). Anniversaries (we beat the two-year expiration point!). Work (I'm the one who stayed, not the one who got fired). Getting to see the Girl - twice! Health stuff - no hemochromatosis. Found a house to live together (lots of stuff to do).
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Health Concerns 3 [Me]
I may be posting about physical stuff to keep from having to think hard to put together mental stuff. But let me get this out of the way, and this may be my last health-related blog post for a while.
The tegaderm actually pulled off skin in three places. So my side is healing from a lot of tearing, and one very deep needle-hole. I was really tired for several days after the biopsy, but I seem to be fine now. So I'm waiting for my next doctor's appointment to start the blood-letting.
On to the weight loss issue. We've continued to cut down on bad eating and substitute more-healthful choices for junk food. I'm rarely having a third Coke in a day, and keeping it limited to three sugar-y drinks either way. I'm weighing myself and checking my blood sugar twice a week. The sugar's been pretty steady around 115 in the morning before eating. So high, but not diabetes high.
Sunday, all four of us - me, Boss, MK, and the Metamour - all went to the YMCA and signed up for a membership. We're going to go (nearly) every Sunday, everyone who's available, as a family 'date'. This Sunday, I did 15 minutes on an elliptical, and 15 minutes on a recumbent bike. Walking the track in between, I then did some weights and some kind of pushing machine for a while. MK is directing me, since he has more knowledge in gym-related-stuff than I do. My pecs are sore (I had to look up what the muscle was called there, but they hurt). Then we hit the pool, where we played around with some resistance bars and did some laps. So yeah, I burned some calories, and I'm going to do it again each Sunday.
The tegaderm actually pulled off skin in three places. So my side is healing from a lot of tearing, and one very deep needle-hole. I was really tired for several days after the biopsy, but I seem to be fine now. So I'm waiting for my next doctor's appointment to start the blood-letting.
On to the weight loss issue. We've continued to cut down on bad eating and substitute more-healthful choices for junk food. I'm rarely having a third Coke in a day, and keeping it limited to three sugar-y drinks either way. I'm weighing myself and checking my blood sugar twice a week. The sugar's been pretty steady around 115 in the morning before eating. So high, but not diabetes high.
Sunday, all four of us - me, Boss, MK, and the Metamour - all went to the YMCA and signed up for a membership. We're going to go (nearly) every Sunday, everyone who's available, as a family 'date'. This Sunday, I did 15 minutes on an elliptical, and 15 minutes on a recumbent bike. Walking the track in between, I then did some weights and some kind of pushing machine for a while. MK is directing me, since he has more knowledge in gym-related-stuff than I do. My pecs are sore (I had to look up what the muscle was called there, but they hurt). Then we hit the pool, where we played around with some resistance bars and did some laps. So yeah, I burned some calories, and I'm going to do it again each Sunday.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Health Concerns 2 [Me]
The biopsy and blood test results are back. I do carry the genetic marker for hemochromatosis, but the biopsy showed only fat in my liver. So my internal organs have not yet taken damage from iron-related stuff. We'll draw off blood to fix the ferritin levels, and I'll lose some weight, and we're all happy.
The biopsy experience yesterday was really boring. We sat in a waiting room, then I got my physical, and waited in there. Then we went to pre-op and waited in there. The actual biopsy took like twenty minutes, including set-up and transport, I think. The Versed I got in the IV made me really dizzy, then sleepy. And wore off very quickly. Then we went to post-op, and waited in there. I lay on my side for two hours. Then I lay on my back for two hours. They did bring me a turkey sandwich lunch and three cokes. Then we went home. I was at the hospital from before 7am until after 3pm. Everyone was very nice and the biopsy was very quick and the waiting was very boring. I finished three or four books on my Kindle.
That was yesterday. I spent the rest of the day going from sitting at the computer to resting in bed and back. Today I worked from home, so I spend the day sitting at the computer. I finally got to take a shower at 2:30, and then I changed the bandage. There's a small pinhole in my side from the biopsy. There is also a slice of skin missing where the Tegaderm pulled it off. That hurts a lot more, especially when I didn't know that had happened and started to clean the area with alcohol. Ouch. So, two bandaids now. And done.
The biopsy experience yesterday was really boring. We sat in a waiting room, then I got my physical, and waited in there. Then we went to pre-op and waited in there. The actual biopsy took like twenty minutes, including set-up and transport, I think. The Versed I got in the IV made me really dizzy, then sleepy. And wore off very quickly. Then we went to post-op, and waited in there. I lay on my side for two hours. Then I lay on my back for two hours. They did bring me a turkey sandwich lunch and three cokes. Then we went home. I was at the hospital from before 7am until after 3pm. Everyone was very nice and the biopsy was very quick and the waiting was very boring. I finished three or four books on my Kindle.
That was yesterday. I spent the rest of the day going from sitting at the computer to resting in bed and back. Today I worked from home, so I spend the day sitting at the computer. I finally got to take a shower at 2:30, and then I changed the bandage. There's a small pinhole in my side from the biopsy. There is also a slice of skin missing where the Tegaderm pulled it off. That hurts a lot more, especially when I didn't know that had happened and started to clean the area with alcohol. Ouch. So, two bandaids now. And done.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Health Concerns [Me]
All relationship stuff is more or less on hold for a few days while I deal with health stuff. Tomorrow, I'm having a liver biopsy. It doesn't seem like it's that big a deal, just a hassle. A $300 hassle. But one that it's time to deal with.
I've known that I have a fatty liver for a few years now. My liver enzymes have been a little elevated. Well, none of this is a surprise. I'm overweight. That means my sugar is also a little high, along with my cholesterol and triglycerides. Everything's a little high. My knees and ankles and feet ache from carrying too much weight. Losing, say, forty pounds would fix a lot of stuff with my health. This has been true for quite a while. But I've been feeling okay, and putting off dealing with it.
When I had my physical this year, everything was a little elevated. Except my Ferritin, which was extremely high. So I've been to see a gastroenterologist. He's thinking hemochromatosis, and so we drew blood to check for a genetic marker for it, and we're doing the biopsy as well to check that way. If he's right, then I'll start having blood drawn regularly, and that should take care of the problem. Reading up on hemochromatosis, if there is a genetic tendency toward it in my Dad's family, it would explain why we all seem to get joint pain issues as teenagers. It also affects a number of other systems. And it's easy to treat. So, biopsy tomorrow.
That said, regardless of the outcome of the biopsy, it's time to lose weight. So I'm trying to eat a little healthier and in smaller quantities, which has been an ongoing thing for a year or so. But we're also going to join the YMCA and start having family workout day. Not thrilled with the idea, but I'm also not dreading it like I thought I would. It'll be fun to do it as a group. I hope.
Anyway, just an update to let people know what's going on with my body instead of my mind(s) this time.
I've known that I have a fatty liver for a few years now. My liver enzymes have been a little elevated. Well, none of this is a surprise. I'm overweight. That means my sugar is also a little high, along with my cholesterol and triglycerides. Everything's a little high. My knees and ankles and feet ache from carrying too much weight. Losing, say, forty pounds would fix a lot of stuff with my health. This has been true for quite a while. But I've been feeling okay, and putting off dealing with it.
When I had my physical this year, everything was a little elevated. Except my Ferritin, which was extremely high. So I've been to see a gastroenterologist. He's thinking hemochromatosis, and so we drew blood to check for a genetic marker for it, and we're doing the biopsy as well to check that way. If he's right, then I'll start having blood drawn regularly, and that should take care of the problem. Reading up on hemochromatosis, if there is a genetic tendency toward it in my Dad's family, it would explain why we all seem to get joint pain issues as teenagers. It also affects a number of other systems. And it's easy to treat. So, biopsy tomorrow.
That said, regardless of the outcome of the biopsy, it's time to lose weight. So I'm trying to eat a little healthier and in smaller quantities, which has been an ongoing thing for a year or so. But we're also going to join the YMCA and start having family workout day. Not thrilled with the idea, but I'm also not dreading it like I thought I would. It'll be fun to do it as a group. I hope.
Anyway, just an update to let people know what's going on with my body instead of my mind(s) this time.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Stress Reduced [Me]
We've had an excellent weekend. Something we really needed, after so much stress at home lately.
We're still dealing with condoms, which has caused a lot of our stress, since early February. Nobody wants to use them, but if they don't get used there's anger and guilt and distrust. I hate fighting with Boss over something like that. When he tries to initiate sex without a condom, I feel like he's not sticking to our agreement to use them. I feel like I have to check up on him and monitor him, rather than submitting to his wishes as I want to be doing. And when I have to stop him to put it on, it gives me the feeling that he's trying to get around the rule. And that means he's not protecting me. I can only submit to him so fully when I can trust that he will take better care of me than I will of myself. I have to be able to trust that he will do whatever it takes to protect me. When he does, it makes me feel like I am something valuable and treasured in his life. And that feeling is essential to loving, for me.
The biggest problem with that comes when we're sleeping. Boss has three primary alters, all of whom I think can be relied upon to 'play within the rules'. But he has several secondary alters that won't, or don't understand. And in the middle of the night, one of those alters is likely to wake up and initiate sex before any of the primaries are awake enough to grab a condom. And if I'm asleep, I'm likely to let it go further than it should before I stop to do a rubber-check. Especially if Stephanie's out, like she was a few nights ago. She will not force the condom issue; she's certain that he has every right to do anything to us without our agreement. So the other night there was probably twenty minutes of rubbing and humping before primaries in either system had any sort of control. Which means I was furious in the morning, and Boss didn't even realize why, because he didn't realize just how far that had gone. This was part of the reason for Stephanie being shelved. She has no sense of self-preservation, and I can't push her out of the front to protect us.
So this weekend we handled several steps to easing the tension on this matter. First, Boss got his lab results back, and tested clear for STDs. We expected him to, but weren't positive. We still need to wear condoms a bit longer because some things take 12 weeks to 'pop' on the tests, but most things are now ruled out. Second, Stephanie got put into storage. Third, Cherish was given orders to speak up and ensure that Boss wears a condom. That's really hard for her, but she agreed to it, and even practiced it. And Fourth, I talked to one of Boss's secondary alters, the one most likely to be transgressing, and the most likely to be able to control the others. He didn't like being told what to do, not at all. But after some growling at each other, he got the idea, and reluctantly agreed to follow the rule, and to try to force the others to do so, as well. Apparently I lose points for asking the craziest guy in there to follow a rule, but I get points for flattering him about being the only one strong enough to enforce it.
While Cherish was out, Boss also talked to her about Stephanie being put away. I think they both really needed to be able to talk about be sad about that.
We're still dealing with condoms, which has caused a lot of our stress, since early February. Nobody wants to use them, but if they don't get used there's anger and guilt and distrust. I hate fighting with Boss over something like that. When he tries to initiate sex without a condom, I feel like he's not sticking to our agreement to use them. I feel like I have to check up on him and monitor him, rather than submitting to his wishes as I want to be doing. And when I have to stop him to put it on, it gives me the feeling that he's trying to get around the rule. And that means he's not protecting me. I can only submit to him so fully when I can trust that he will take better care of me than I will of myself. I have to be able to trust that he will do whatever it takes to protect me. When he does, it makes me feel like I am something valuable and treasured in his life. And that feeling is essential to loving, for me.
The biggest problem with that comes when we're sleeping. Boss has three primary alters, all of whom I think can be relied upon to 'play within the rules'. But he has several secondary alters that won't, or don't understand. And in the middle of the night, one of those alters is likely to wake up and initiate sex before any of the primaries are awake enough to grab a condom. And if I'm asleep, I'm likely to let it go further than it should before I stop to do a rubber-check. Especially if Stephanie's out, like she was a few nights ago. She will not force the condom issue; she's certain that he has every right to do anything to us without our agreement. So the other night there was probably twenty minutes of rubbing and humping before primaries in either system had any sort of control. Which means I was furious in the morning, and Boss didn't even realize why, because he didn't realize just how far that had gone. This was part of the reason for Stephanie being shelved. She has no sense of self-preservation, and I can't push her out of the front to protect us.
So this weekend we handled several steps to easing the tension on this matter. First, Boss got his lab results back, and tested clear for STDs. We expected him to, but weren't positive. We still need to wear condoms a bit longer because some things take 12 weeks to 'pop' on the tests, but most things are now ruled out. Second, Stephanie got put into storage. Third, Cherish was given orders to speak up and ensure that Boss wears a condom. That's really hard for her, but she agreed to it, and even practiced it. And Fourth, I talked to one of Boss's secondary alters, the one most likely to be transgressing, and the most likely to be able to control the others. He didn't like being told what to do, not at all. But after some growling at each other, he got the idea, and reluctantly agreed to follow the rule, and to try to force the others to do so, as well. Apparently I lose points for asking the craziest guy in there to follow a rule, but I get points for flattering him about being the only one strong enough to enforce it.
While Cherish was out, Boss also talked to her about Stephanie being put away. I think they both really needed to be able to talk about be sad about that.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Fallout [Me]
A couple of weeks ago, we had an incident that pretty much shut us down for wanting to write for a while. I wasn't planning to even mention it here on this blog, except that it is coloring a lot of other things for me. And Boss mentioned it on his blog, so I guess it's 'free domain' to speak about. If not, he'll tell me, and I'll remove this post.
We were visiting some friends. So we talked about the fact that we might swap up and have sex with them; that was all cool - exciting and fun, even. Until Boss had sex with her. Later, I asked Boss, just to confirm, about using condoms. And they didn't use a condom. And after he talked to her, he wasn't convinced that she's aware of her STD status and exposure. Which, knowing her typical choices, I'm not surprised. Which means I have to assume Boss has had exposure to something. Which means we're using condoms.
Upon finding this out, I lost my shit. I was suddenly feeling furious and betrayed and left out. Mostly betrayed. We've agreed that it's okay for us to have sex outside our relationship. But condoms have to be part of that, unless we've agreed to skip them. So I was really furious. I don't think I've ever been really angry with him before, and it took him by surprise how intensely I felt. Heck, it took me by surprise how intensely I felt.
Now, for me, that's not a gigantic deal. Stopping to put on a condom is just a momentary thing, and if I can absolutely trust that he will stop to do so, then I have no more worries. But for him, it has turned into a pretty gigantic deal. First, my anger and sense of betrayal, and his shock at getting hit with them, really crippled our relationship for a few days. He's facing a lot of guilt for stepping outside of our agreement, especially in the face of me being so angry about it. And I didn't try to soften it. I knew my anger at him needed to really be painful to him, to keep this from happening again.
Second, having to wear a condom really bangs into his sexual confidence. Boss's primary, in particular, is pretty bad about thinking with his penis first. Which means he'll forget that step of stopping for a condom if I don't pay attention and, when necessary, remind him. Except part of our dynamic is that I don't normally hold that little bit of control, and I give myself to him completely. So I feel like I'm holding back on him, and that's disappointing.
But his guilt and the bruise on his confidence have turned into some sexually submissive behavior from him. He has an alter that has always bent that direction, but we haven't been able to play with each other compatibly. But we're exploring that, to see it we can work it out. I'm really struggling with taking on the role of the dominant partner in sex. I can play the role, but I'm not feeling it.
The obvious solution is to have Rubi take over that role. But there are problems there, too. First, I've been a bit under-the-weather, health-wise, and haven't been switching much. I'm finally getting over that, so it may improve soon. Second, our relationship has been heavily grounded in him being in control, even over Rubi or any other strong-willed alter. He has to be in control of every one of us for him to keep all of us. It's hard to release that condition, even temporarily. And Third, it just isn't a comfortable role for us, to be actively dominant, sexually. But we're trying to at least create that 'acting role' to take on.
Boss has always been great about trying to take on compatible roles for what we need; now it's our turn. But it's not easy. Especially with a side of guilt hanging on for the ride.
We were visiting some friends. So we talked about the fact that we might swap up and have sex with them; that was all cool - exciting and fun, even. Until Boss had sex with her. Later, I asked Boss, just to confirm, about using condoms. And they didn't use a condom. And after he talked to her, he wasn't convinced that she's aware of her STD status and exposure. Which, knowing her typical choices, I'm not surprised. Which means I have to assume Boss has had exposure to something. Which means we're using condoms.
Upon finding this out, I lost my shit. I was suddenly feeling furious and betrayed and left out. Mostly betrayed. We've agreed that it's okay for us to have sex outside our relationship. But condoms have to be part of that, unless we've agreed to skip them. So I was really furious. I don't think I've ever been really angry with him before, and it took him by surprise how intensely I felt. Heck, it took me by surprise how intensely I felt.
Now, for me, that's not a gigantic deal. Stopping to put on a condom is just a momentary thing, and if I can absolutely trust that he will stop to do so, then I have no more worries. But for him, it has turned into a pretty gigantic deal. First, my anger and sense of betrayal, and his shock at getting hit with them, really crippled our relationship for a few days. He's facing a lot of guilt for stepping outside of our agreement, especially in the face of me being so angry about it. And I didn't try to soften it. I knew my anger at him needed to really be painful to him, to keep this from happening again.
Second, having to wear a condom really bangs into his sexual confidence. Boss's primary, in particular, is pretty bad about thinking with his penis first. Which means he'll forget that step of stopping for a condom if I don't pay attention and, when necessary, remind him. Except part of our dynamic is that I don't normally hold that little bit of control, and I give myself to him completely. So I feel like I'm holding back on him, and that's disappointing.
But his guilt and the bruise on his confidence have turned into some sexually submissive behavior from him. He has an alter that has always bent that direction, but we haven't been able to play with each other compatibly. But we're exploring that, to see it we can work it out. I'm really struggling with taking on the role of the dominant partner in sex. I can play the role, but I'm not feeling it.
The obvious solution is to have Rubi take over that role. But there are problems there, too. First, I've been a bit under-the-weather, health-wise, and haven't been switching much. I'm finally getting over that, so it may improve soon. Second, our relationship has been heavily grounded in him being in control, even over Rubi or any other strong-willed alter. He has to be in control of every one of us for him to keep all of us. It's hard to release that condition, even temporarily. And Third, it just isn't a comfortable role for us, to be actively dominant, sexually. But we're trying to at least create that 'acting role' to take on.
Boss has always been great about trying to take on compatible roles for what we need; now it's our turn. But it's not easy. Especially with a side of guilt hanging on for the ride.
Friday, December 28, 2012
The Holidays Are Always Hard [Me]
I think the holiday season is always hard for everyone. You've got to buy presents without enough money, schedule get-togethers without enough time, and visit all those relatives that you tend to avoid during the rest of the year. We're all stressed during the holidays, whether about money, time, relatives, or some awful combination of the above. Added to that, we hit the shortest days of the year, and the weather suddenly turns cold. It's dark and wet and dreary all the time. There's all kinds of work deadlines to catch up to, and now people pressure you to think about resolutions for next year. No wonder we're all cranky and depressed during the holidays.
Over the last dozen holiday seasons, I spent seven or eight of them working on a stage version of A Christmas Carol. Which means from the beginning of October until mid-December, I was Christmassing very hard. By the time the show closed and the actual holiday came about, I just wanted it to be over. The other years, well, I was still a single mom with a little girl to buy presents for - money stresses and trying not to fight with her father over scheduling ruled a lot of my holidays.
The last couple of years, I was driving back-and-forth up to Kentucky to get my daughter, move her out of her dorm, visit my parents, move her back in the dorm, and try to help everyone get everywhere they were supposed to be. Not only did I not have the money for presents, but I needed to buy lots of gas, too! Add to that, every year I tend to get really sick either on Thanksgiving Day or Christmas Day - like, can't open presents or get out of bed long enough to eat a meal kind of sick. So health and money have been major stressors.
This year, things weren't so bad. The new job means I have more cash than I'm accustomed to, so early in the season, I spent some quiet hours at work buying presents. The real trick was saving them for Christmas instead of giving them out immediately. So my money situation is much, much better than usual. And my fantastic daughter managed her own ride from her dorm to home, and she didn't have to move out-and-in her dorm, so that saved me a couple of days of driving and lots of gas money. We even have a scheme for getting her back that will combine with visiting family, and not as much driving as taking her back myself.
I didn't sign on for any big projects this year, either. No haunted house, no holiday plays, nothing. So I have the time and energy to visit and do things - and relax some, too. And we figured out one cause of the getting sick every year - I'm allergic to the cinnamon scent that's in all the Christmas potpourri and stuff. By buying my gifts online, I've avoided the stuff in stores that makes me sick every year.
So the only thing left from above is fighting with the ex. Well, the kid's an adult now, and she's finally starting to stand up for herself with him. Which means I'm not interacting with him at all. In fact, her boyfriend is supporting her in that more than I am. I'm pretty pleased with him; he seems to be a good guy.
So yeah, all the normal Christmas stress stuff is pretty okay for me this year. I haven't stressed much about it at all. The weather's been mild, and I've spent lots of time with the people who are actually important to me. And some time resting and relaxing. Not that we haven't had ANY issues. There's always something, isn't there? Boss is searching for a job; his could end at any time. The metamour has on-again, off-again health issues - but more good days than bad, lately, I think.
Kiara still seems to be mourning Bear. But we're headed to his house tonight for gaming, and we went to a Yule party at his house. We're trying to figure out how to relate with him now. And we'll get there. For now, Sam seems to be best at interacting with him. She was never that attached to him. But Kiara came out for presents on Christmas, and she got several.
Paul got several Christmas presents specifically for him, too. He's had some rough times working through how his system interacts with Boss lately, and we weren't sure he would even come to front for Christmas. But he did, and now he and Boss are starting to work things out again, carefully figuring out how things work.
Gracelyn also took a period of being missing. But not because she was upset; just because she didn't feel that she was all that needed. She's always been mostly background, sometimes moreso than others. Boss has been on vacation from his job, so she hasn't been out to drive to and from work with him, as we carpool. When we drive alone, it's usually me or Sam driving. Silent One has also been much quieter lately, but it did come out the other night, and it was a very calm event.
Stephanie is continuing to show up, and less likely to 'go blank', taking the body into a disconnected state. Cherish hasn't been out much, though. There's another slave to take some of her being. But when she is out, she has a lot more confidence, even a hint of a sense of humor. I'd like to see her out more.
Rubi has had a few opportunities for topping lately, and has had a couple of serious play sessions as a bottom. She doesn't seem to miss Bear as much as I expected, or maybe she's just biding her time? I feel like her complacency may be temporary, so I'd like to have her a regular play partner again. But it's probably a good thing, health-wise, that we aren't having as many heavy play scenes lately. And Sam's getting more play now, instead.
Over the last dozen holiday seasons, I spent seven or eight of them working on a stage version of A Christmas Carol. Which means from the beginning of October until mid-December, I was Christmassing very hard. By the time the show closed and the actual holiday came about, I just wanted it to be over. The other years, well, I was still a single mom with a little girl to buy presents for - money stresses and trying not to fight with her father over scheduling ruled a lot of my holidays.
The last couple of years, I was driving back-and-forth up to Kentucky to get my daughter, move her out of her dorm, visit my parents, move her back in the dorm, and try to help everyone get everywhere they were supposed to be. Not only did I not have the money for presents, but I needed to buy lots of gas, too! Add to that, every year I tend to get really sick either on Thanksgiving Day or Christmas Day - like, can't open presents or get out of bed long enough to eat a meal kind of sick. So health and money have been major stressors.
This year, things weren't so bad. The new job means I have more cash than I'm accustomed to, so early in the season, I spent some quiet hours at work buying presents. The real trick was saving them for Christmas instead of giving them out immediately. So my money situation is much, much better than usual. And my fantastic daughter managed her own ride from her dorm to home, and she didn't have to move out-and-in her dorm, so that saved me a couple of days of driving and lots of gas money. We even have a scheme for getting her back that will combine with visiting family, and not as much driving as taking her back myself.
I didn't sign on for any big projects this year, either. No haunted house, no holiday plays, nothing. So I have the time and energy to visit and do things - and relax some, too. And we figured out one cause of the getting sick every year - I'm allergic to the cinnamon scent that's in all the Christmas potpourri and stuff. By buying my gifts online, I've avoided the stuff in stores that makes me sick every year.
So the only thing left from above is fighting with the ex. Well, the kid's an adult now, and she's finally starting to stand up for herself with him. Which means I'm not interacting with him at all. In fact, her boyfriend is supporting her in that more than I am. I'm pretty pleased with him; he seems to be a good guy.
So yeah, all the normal Christmas stress stuff is pretty okay for me this year. I haven't stressed much about it at all. The weather's been mild, and I've spent lots of time with the people who are actually important to me. And some time resting and relaxing. Not that we haven't had ANY issues. There's always something, isn't there? Boss is searching for a job; his could end at any time. The metamour has on-again, off-again health issues - but more good days than bad, lately, I think.
Kiara still seems to be mourning Bear. But we're headed to his house tonight for gaming, and we went to a Yule party at his house. We're trying to figure out how to relate with him now. And we'll get there. For now, Sam seems to be best at interacting with him. She was never that attached to him. But Kiara came out for presents on Christmas, and she got several.
Paul got several Christmas presents specifically for him, too. He's had some rough times working through how his system interacts with Boss lately, and we weren't sure he would even come to front for Christmas. But he did, and now he and Boss are starting to work things out again, carefully figuring out how things work.
Gracelyn also took a period of being missing. But not because she was upset; just because she didn't feel that she was all that needed. She's always been mostly background, sometimes moreso than others. Boss has been on vacation from his job, so she hasn't been out to drive to and from work with him, as we carpool. When we drive alone, it's usually me or Sam driving. Silent One has also been much quieter lately, but it did come out the other night, and it was a very calm event.
Stephanie is continuing to show up, and less likely to 'go blank', taking the body into a disconnected state. Cherish hasn't been out much, though. There's another slave to take some of her being. But when she is out, she has a lot more confidence, even a hint of a sense of humor. I'd like to see her out more.
Rubi has had a few opportunities for topping lately, and has had a couple of serious play sessions as a bottom. She doesn't seem to miss Bear as much as I expected, or maybe she's just biding her time? I feel like her complacency may be temporary, so I'd like to have her a regular play partner again. But it's probably a good thing, health-wise, that we aren't having as many heavy play scenes lately. And Sam's getting more play now, instead.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Working Through Anger [Sam?]
I'm working on dealing with some anger over something that should be small, yet my mind keeps returning to it again and again. I'm hoping that writing about it here will help me deal with it.
Background. I am allergic to animals. Like' take a pill everyday, and never pet an animal because my eyes will swell up and my nose will explode, and keep an inhaler in my purse and in my room just in case' kind of allergic to animals. My metamour has a dog and two cats. And they were the main point of negotiation about whether or not I could move in with them last spring.
The dog is not a problem; she is short-haired, and uses a puppy-pad to do her business. Unfortunately, she's decided that whenever I come home is the perfect time to poop, and her pads are near my computer, so I seem to always smell dog poop. The cats, however, are another matter. The female one is just a brat. She tears up carpet and insists on sitting in my computer chair when I'm not in it, and she loves to play in the litterbox, flinging litter everywhere. Again, not a huge allergy issue; she and I have agreed that we don't like each other but can live together. The male cat, however... He's old, and retarded, and spoiled. So he prefers to pee in front of my bedroom door and poop in the living room. He gets mad when I put my purse where it belongs, because he wants to lay there. And he's very vocal about it.
The apartment smells like cat piss, and it's his fault. The air burns my eyes and throat if I'm in the living areas too long. Watching a movie means an allergy attack before it's over, because the couches I bought are cat-spaces. I tried keeping sheets over the couches when I first got them, but since I was the only one doing so, it didn't take. So the couches are becoming unfriendly places for me to sit. But I can't sit on the floor - the one time I spent a little while on the floor, the skin on my legs started burning and swelling - cat piss and cat hair. Soon, I'll probably have to do what I do at my sister's house (where there are numerous dogs) - sit in a kitchen chair away from the regular furniture - end of snuggling time.
Most of the time, taking my allergy medicine regularly means I can handle all this, with the occasional shot from an inhaler. Without an animal in the house, I would probably never need an inhaler, and might not even need the meds. But I knew this when I decided to move in with my love and his other girlfriend; she has animals, and that's the way it is. I accepted it. But I argued strenuously that I had to have my own room. And there would be NO ANIMALS IN MY ROOM. Ever. Upon pain of water spraying, kicking animals, and throwing fits. I need to have a space that's as animal-free as possible. I keep my door shut 99% of the time, and run an air purifier 24-7. I hate the white noise from it because it further isolates me, but I need it. When I do laundry, it all goes directly to my room to minimize the time spent exposed to animal fur. Or vengeful peeing cats.
There are drawbacks to keeping my room secluded. If I'm in my room, I'm isolated. I can't participate in what's going on in the next room because I have to shut the door. Sometimes it builds a sense of claustrophobia. In a perfect world, my home would have no doors except the bathroom, and even that wouldn't always get used. I don't like separation. But there are animals in the house.
So the other night, we were discussing something unrelated, and my metamour drops a mention that sometimes she goes to my bathroom instead of the main one, for some reason. I can't really think of any good reason for her to do so, except for the rare rare occasion that Maintenance is doing something in hers? But regardless, for some reason, she occasionally uses my bathroom. That's mildly annoying, but acceptable. But then she says that when she does so, she brings the cat in with her and lets him run around in my closet.
I'm sorry, what? What part of NO ANIMALS IN MY ROOM didn't get through? Her excuse is that he stays on the floor, so no cat hair is getting on my clothes. Wait, you've had a cat for how long? When a cat walks into a room, every piece of clothing in the room instantly has cat hair on it - there is no direct contact necessary. I do all kinds of things to keep the animals from having an impact on my personal space, and she's bringing one of them into my room. And not just any of them, she's bringing the male cat - the one that's such a problem for me anyway.
When she said that, I made it clear that this is to stop. I looked her in the eye, and said "No animals in my room. Period. I don't care why." She started to argue; I repeated it. She shut up about it. But here's the thing - I have no way to know if she obeys the rule. And when it comes to spoiling that cat, like by not forcing it to be traumatically separated from her for the amount of time it takes for her to go to the bathroom, she doesn't tend to follow rules very well. Oh, and remember, she's multiple, too. So even if most of her alters are fine following that rule, the one that hopelessly lets the cat run all over her probably won't. And I'm not sure if she's the one I made it clear to that there are no animals allowed into my space.
So here it is a few days later, and I'm still angry about this. I feel powerless to enforce it; that's why I'm angry, I know. Would it be too much to print up a 'No Animals' sign and put at my door? That would probably hurt some feelings, but I'm not sure I care right now. And if she wants to ignore it when I'm not home, she can. It's not a matter of not remembering that the cats aren't allowed in there, it's a matter of not respecting that rule. Not respecting me.
Ding-ding-ding - there's the reason for the angry. She is disrespecting me by ignoring one of the few rules I have required in our household. There are plenty regarding her - keeping the lights off all the damned time so that it feels like I'm being smothered in a cave all the time. Keeping quiet during all hours of the day because she sleeps during the day and is up at night. Being uber-respectful of the needs put on her by her poor health. But I ask for one thing - leave my room clear - and she just disregards that entirely. I work very hard to be respectful of her, and I feel like it's not being reciprocated.
So what do I do about it? Well, I vent here, to make me feel better. And then, I don't know. Well, I need to wrap this up, my eyes are starting to burn, so it's time for me to retreat to my room for a while. And besides, the female cat is yarking up all over the living room carpet. I'm not cleaning it up. Gross.
Background. I am allergic to animals. Like' take a pill everyday, and never pet an animal because my eyes will swell up and my nose will explode, and keep an inhaler in my purse and in my room just in case' kind of allergic to animals. My metamour has a dog and two cats. And they were the main point of negotiation about whether or not I could move in with them last spring.
The dog is not a problem; she is short-haired, and uses a puppy-pad to do her business. Unfortunately, she's decided that whenever I come home is the perfect time to poop, and her pads are near my computer, so I seem to always smell dog poop. The cats, however, are another matter. The female one is just a brat. She tears up carpet and insists on sitting in my computer chair when I'm not in it, and she loves to play in the litterbox, flinging litter everywhere. Again, not a huge allergy issue; she and I have agreed that we don't like each other but can live together. The male cat, however... He's old, and retarded, and spoiled. So he prefers to pee in front of my bedroom door and poop in the living room. He gets mad when I put my purse where it belongs, because he wants to lay there. And he's very vocal about it.
The apartment smells like cat piss, and it's his fault. The air burns my eyes and throat if I'm in the living areas too long. Watching a movie means an allergy attack before it's over, because the couches I bought are cat-spaces. I tried keeping sheets over the couches when I first got them, but since I was the only one doing so, it didn't take. So the couches are becoming unfriendly places for me to sit. But I can't sit on the floor - the one time I spent a little while on the floor, the skin on my legs started burning and swelling - cat piss and cat hair. Soon, I'll probably have to do what I do at my sister's house (where there are numerous dogs) - sit in a kitchen chair away from the regular furniture - end of snuggling time.
Most of the time, taking my allergy medicine regularly means I can handle all this, with the occasional shot from an inhaler. Without an animal in the house, I would probably never need an inhaler, and might not even need the meds. But I knew this when I decided to move in with my love and his other girlfriend; she has animals, and that's the way it is. I accepted it. But I argued strenuously that I had to have my own room. And there would be NO ANIMALS IN MY ROOM. Ever. Upon pain of water spraying, kicking animals, and throwing fits. I need to have a space that's as animal-free as possible. I keep my door shut 99% of the time, and run an air purifier 24-7. I hate the white noise from it because it further isolates me, but I need it. When I do laundry, it all goes directly to my room to minimize the time spent exposed to animal fur. Or vengeful peeing cats.
There are drawbacks to keeping my room secluded. If I'm in my room, I'm isolated. I can't participate in what's going on in the next room because I have to shut the door. Sometimes it builds a sense of claustrophobia. In a perfect world, my home would have no doors except the bathroom, and even that wouldn't always get used. I don't like separation. But there are animals in the house.
So the other night, we were discussing something unrelated, and my metamour drops a mention that sometimes she goes to my bathroom instead of the main one, for some reason. I can't really think of any good reason for her to do so, except for the rare rare occasion that Maintenance is doing something in hers? But regardless, for some reason, she occasionally uses my bathroom. That's mildly annoying, but acceptable. But then she says that when she does so, she brings the cat in with her and lets him run around in my closet.
I'm sorry, what? What part of NO ANIMALS IN MY ROOM didn't get through? Her excuse is that he stays on the floor, so no cat hair is getting on my clothes. Wait, you've had a cat for how long? When a cat walks into a room, every piece of clothing in the room instantly has cat hair on it - there is no direct contact necessary. I do all kinds of things to keep the animals from having an impact on my personal space, and she's bringing one of them into my room. And not just any of them, she's bringing the male cat - the one that's such a problem for me anyway.
When she said that, I made it clear that this is to stop. I looked her in the eye, and said "No animals in my room. Period. I don't care why." She started to argue; I repeated it. She shut up about it. But here's the thing - I have no way to know if she obeys the rule. And when it comes to spoiling that cat, like by not forcing it to be traumatically separated from her for the amount of time it takes for her to go to the bathroom, she doesn't tend to follow rules very well. Oh, and remember, she's multiple, too. So even if most of her alters are fine following that rule, the one that hopelessly lets the cat run all over her probably won't. And I'm not sure if she's the one I made it clear to that there are no animals allowed into my space.
So here it is a few days later, and I'm still angry about this. I feel powerless to enforce it; that's why I'm angry, I know. Would it be too much to print up a 'No Animals' sign and put at my door? That would probably hurt some feelings, but I'm not sure I care right now. And if she wants to ignore it when I'm not home, she can. It's not a matter of not remembering that the cats aren't allowed in there, it's a matter of not respecting that rule. Not respecting me.
Ding-ding-ding - there's the reason for the angry. She is disrespecting me by ignoring one of the few rules I have required in our household. There are plenty regarding her - keeping the lights off all the damned time so that it feels like I'm being smothered in a cave all the time. Keeping quiet during all hours of the day because she sleeps during the day and is up at night. Being uber-respectful of the needs put on her by her poor health. But I ask for one thing - leave my room clear - and she just disregards that entirely. I work very hard to be respectful of her, and I feel like it's not being reciprocated.
So what do I do about it? Well, I vent here, to make me feel better. And then, I don't know. Well, I need to wrap this up, my eyes are starting to burn, so it's time for me to retreat to my room for a while. And besides, the female cat is yarking up all over the living room carpet. I'm not cleaning it up. Gross.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
The Joys of Being Bald [Me]
A little over a year ago, I was preparing to work in an haunted house, and on a whim, I asked the costume designer, "What if I shaved my head?" Her eyes got huge and filled with glee, then she dragged me quickly across the space to the director, already taking off on a tangent and planning how to make me as androgynous as possible, to confuse our guests and leave them off-balance. And it worked.
Now, that wasn't my only reason for shaving my head. I've always liked my hair short, and the shorter it got, the more I liked it. So I had a curiosity about shaving it all the way off, just to see if I liked it the best. After all, if I hated it, it's just hair; it'll grow back.
But my other excuse for shaving my hair was because I was working on a calendar for the club - The Sexy Bald Men Calendar. I had gotten 14 guys with bald or nearly-bald heads to do photo shoots and submit photos for a calendar. And kind of in support for or advertising for the calendar, my head being shaved was pretty cool too. I'm even a couple of the calendar pics with my equally-bald pate.
The day after I shaved it, there was health fair at my work. There was some guy touting the wonders of some kind of 'magic chocolate' - a chocolate-flavored health supplement of some kind, and you could see his face light up when he spotted me in the group as he began his spiel. When he got to the right part of his presentation, he looked at me and said, "I gotta' ask... cancer?" Poor guy was unhappy to hear that no, I'm just weird. Turns out his magic chocolate cures cancer, too. I may have narrowly missed out on some sort of revival-healing.
Some of my friends were worried about the C-word, too. I was also going through a phase of getting rid of a bunch of my stuff. And with my daughter having just gone to college, I was making a lot of adjustments to my life. That included a series of trips to the doctor to catch up on my healthcare. So some people put all those things together and started worrying about losing me. I had to post a huge Facebook note to everyone to reassure them that I'm not sick, just adjusting.
It does get me a lot of attention, being bald. Lots of black women stop me in stores and parking lots to complement me on it. They are always very empowering in their encouragement and admiration. When the rare white woman comments on it, it's always with a self-effacing, "I could never do that" kind of remark. It reminds me of some of the comments people would make to my mom about wearing a big hat to church.
Sometimes, being bald is really confusing to other people. People default to assuming I'm male because I'm white and bald. In a drive-through, I'm almost always addressed as 'Sir'. And I never say anything; if I minded, I wouldn't have shaved my head. But when they realize it, it's always amusing, yet sad, to see them stumbling over themselves apologizing. I got pulled over once by a cop, who didn't realize I was female until he looked at my license. Granted, it was pretty dark. And then he couldn't hand me back my license and get out of there fast enough. I told myself he was on the lookout for some belligerent bald white guy in a red pick-up truck.
Of course, that means it's easier for me to 'play' male if I wish. Paul loves that. And since it means reshaving every weekend or two, sometimes we shave off all but a small mohawk - Paul and Rubi both like the mohawk a lot. So I have options in my hair choice that can be changed easily by just reshaving.
I'm cooler at night, without a bunch of hair in my way. Which is great, because Boss is always cold, and I'm always hot. So getting my head cool helps a whole lot.
My hair can't be pulled; that's both good and bad. I like my hair pulled, on purpose, by certain people, up to a certain point. And I miss that. But there are other things that can substitute. However, I never accidentally catch my hair in anything or pull it rolling over in bed or anything like that. And my hair can't be pulled past that 'certain point' where I like it. Sam finds it pretty darned amusing when a top's all frustrated because he wants to grab my hair and it won't work.
The weather's starting to cool again now, though. So I'm trying out a few different caps to wear, to keep from getting too cool. I bought one for Jarett that Paul inherited, and I've been wearing it the last few days regardless of who is out.
Every now and then, I catch a glimpse of my reflection in a window or a mirror somewhere. I make an unusual sight; I'm not your cookie-cutter magazine-ad girl. Heavy - mostly top-heavy - and bald white woman, no longer a young girl. My fashion sense is pretty muted; I dress for comfort, but not soccer-mom or couch-potato kind of comfort. I do have my own style. And for the first time I can remember in years, I really dig my own style. I like the way I look and the aura I project. I am an attention-getter, and I like it.
Now, that wasn't my only reason for shaving my head. I've always liked my hair short, and the shorter it got, the more I liked it. So I had a curiosity about shaving it all the way off, just to see if I liked it the best. After all, if I hated it, it's just hair; it'll grow back.
But my other excuse for shaving my hair was because I was working on a calendar for the club - The Sexy Bald Men Calendar. I had gotten 14 guys with bald or nearly-bald heads to do photo shoots and submit photos for a calendar. And kind of in support for or advertising for the calendar, my head being shaved was pretty cool too. I'm even a couple of the calendar pics with my equally-bald pate.
The day after I shaved it, there was health fair at my work. There was some guy touting the wonders of some kind of 'magic chocolate' - a chocolate-flavored health supplement of some kind, and you could see his face light up when he spotted me in the group as he began his spiel. When he got to the right part of his presentation, he looked at me and said, "I gotta' ask... cancer?" Poor guy was unhappy to hear that no, I'm just weird. Turns out his magic chocolate cures cancer, too. I may have narrowly missed out on some sort of revival-healing.
Some of my friends were worried about the C-word, too. I was also going through a phase of getting rid of a bunch of my stuff. And with my daughter having just gone to college, I was making a lot of adjustments to my life. That included a series of trips to the doctor to catch up on my healthcare. So some people put all those things together and started worrying about losing me. I had to post a huge Facebook note to everyone to reassure them that I'm not sick, just adjusting.
It does get me a lot of attention, being bald. Lots of black women stop me in stores and parking lots to complement me on it. They are always very empowering in their encouragement and admiration. When the rare white woman comments on it, it's always with a self-effacing, "I could never do that" kind of remark. It reminds me of some of the comments people would make to my mom about wearing a big hat to church.
Sometimes, being bald is really confusing to other people. People default to assuming I'm male because I'm white and bald. In a drive-through, I'm almost always addressed as 'Sir'. And I never say anything; if I minded, I wouldn't have shaved my head. But when they realize it, it's always amusing, yet sad, to see them stumbling over themselves apologizing. I got pulled over once by a cop, who didn't realize I was female until he looked at my license. Granted, it was pretty dark. And then he couldn't hand me back my license and get out of there fast enough. I told myself he was on the lookout for some belligerent bald white guy in a red pick-up truck.
Of course, that means it's easier for me to 'play' male if I wish. Paul loves that. And since it means reshaving every weekend or two, sometimes we shave off all but a small mohawk - Paul and Rubi both like the mohawk a lot. So I have options in my hair choice that can be changed easily by just reshaving.
I'm cooler at night, without a bunch of hair in my way. Which is great, because Boss is always cold, and I'm always hot. So getting my head cool helps a whole lot.
My hair can't be pulled; that's both good and bad. I like my hair pulled, on purpose, by certain people, up to a certain point. And I miss that. But there are other things that can substitute. However, I never accidentally catch my hair in anything or pull it rolling over in bed or anything like that. And my hair can't be pulled past that 'certain point' where I like it. Sam finds it pretty darned amusing when a top's all frustrated because he wants to grab my hair and it won't work.
The weather's starting to cool again now, though. So I'm trying out a few different caps to wear, to keep from getting too cool. I bought one for Jarett that Paul inherited, and I've been wearing it the last few days regardless of who is out.
Every now and then, I catch a glimpse of my reflection in a window or a mirror somewhere. I make an unusual sight; I'm not your cookie-cutter magazine-ad girl. Heavy - mostly top-heavy - and bald white woman, no longer a young girl. My fashion sense is pretty muted; I dress for comfort, but not soccer-mom or couch-potato kind of comfort. I do have my own style. And for the first time I can remember in years, I really dig my own style. I like the way I look and the aura I project. I am an attention-getter, and I like it.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Sam's Turn Out [Me]
In a previous post I wrote about taking hydrocodone and it having pretty much no effect, unfortunately. And I hinted about a previous time when I took oxycodone and had an interesting reaction.
That time, Kiara got stuck out front and everyone else was asleep and totally unavailable. I woke up the next morning with a pirate windsock hanging from my kitchen ceiling. Apparently she went shopping with my then-boyfriend, and talked him into buying her some little cheap stuff. He said she kept wandering off if he didn't hold her hand, touching things and pushing buttons.
Yesterday I had a root canal. And couldn't get the meds I asked for from the dentist - she gave me oxycodone. I knew this was a bad idea, but it was that or no drugs at all. So I waited till I got safely to the boyfriend's house, warned him, and took it anyway. And then sat on the computer playing until supper was ready. Well, the meds kicked in, and about that time, Sam saw something she liked on the computer and came out. And then everyone went to sleep except her. So we had an entire evening of Sam out. I was able to wake up enough to check in on her occasionally, but not much more than that. So I have some fuzzy vague snatches of conversation, and that's about it. Woke up this morning feeling pretty rested, and not in too much pain, so I guess the meds did their job.
That time, Kiara got stuck out front and everyone else was asleep and totally unavailable. I woke up the next morning with a pirate windsock hanging from my kitchen ceiling. Apparently she went shopping with my then-boyfriend, and talked him into buying her some little cheap stuff. He said she kept wandering off if he didn't hold her hand, touching things and pushing buttons.
Yesterday I had a root canal. And couldn't get the meds I asked for from the dentist - she gave me oxycodone. I knew this was a bad idea, but it was that or no drugs at all. So I waited till I got safely to the boyfriend's house, warned him, and took it anyway. And then sat on the computer playing until supper was ready. Well, the meds kicked in, and about that time, Sam saw something she liked on the computer and came out. And then everyone went to sleep except her. So we had an entire evening of Sam out. I was able to wake up enough to check in on her occasionally, but not much more than that. So I have some fuzzy vague snatches of conversation, and that's about it. Woke up this morning feeling pretty rested, and not in too much pain, so I guess the meds did their job.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
What's Your Poison? [Me]
We've learned over the last couple of years that our responses to medicines can be unreliable. And from what I've read, it seems this is common among multiples. How we respond to medicine depends heavily on which alter was in control when we took it, who's in control now, and what the problem is that we took it for.
Narcotic pain meds are the easiest example to notice. In the past, narcotics have a few times been known to put all of us to sleep except Kiara. She is apparently very resistant to pain meds. However, she doesn't handle pain well. Any kind of pain meds, though, tend to make us fuzzy in the head, like I'm in the middle of switching back and forth quickly.
Yesterday, I had a tooth pulled. Now the last few times I've had dental work, the local used by the dentist has not taken hold as solidly as it should, so they've had to use a lot of it, and even then, my feet started going numb before my mouth did - and this was a local anesthetic that should not have affected the rest of my body. The dentist I saw yesterday, though, took it really slow, injecting once, then waiting a while before injecting more. And most of my head went numb easily, so needing less of the drug and not affecting the rest of my body. I did get the shakes, but that seems to be normal.
There may also be some correlation between my switching and the anesthesia. Usually I try to stay solidly in control, dealing with the entire visit on my own. Yesterday, I actually had two appointments, with a little time between, and the tooth was pulled on the second one. Perhaps my control was not as tight as usual. And besides, I asked Sam to see if she could turn some of the pain I was getting in both visits to something a little more fun. She said dental pain just isn't sexy; no go. But she tried anyway. And I felt Cherish in there taking some of the pain onto herself, rolling it away as she does. I wonder if it was because we were working together that the drugs worked so well.
When I left the dentist, I was more clearheaded than I would expect after being all drugged up, and had no trouble driving to the pharmacy and waiting for my pain meds. I got all the way home with my face still numb and still not hurting much.
Unfortunately, that's the end of the good news. I took an hydrocodone when I got home, as I was starting to hurt in my mouth. The numbness slowly wore off, but it doesn't seem like the hydrocodone ever did kick in. I couldn't manage to switch to any of the alters until my boyfriend got home and was able to call Cherish out - that's not unusual when I'm hurting or feeling bad - no one else wants to hurt or feel bad either. And still, the pain was there. But Cherish accepted it and rolled it away, so it wasn't a problem. And yet, the meds should have reduced the pain - and my thinking as well. We couldn't even tell we'd taken any pills at all.
Today, I'm at work, so I've got to be out. I took another hydrocodone, and this one did dampen the pain a little bit, and made me sleepy a lot. Well, at least Kiara's not stuck here trying to do my job!
Narcotic pain meds are the easiest example to notice. In the past, narcotics have a few times been known to put all of us to sleep except Kiara. She is apparently very resistant to pain meds. However, she doesn't handle pain well. Any kind of pain meds, though, tend to make us fuzzy in the head, like I'm in the middle of switching back and forth quickly.
Yesterday, I had a tooth pulled. Now the last few times I've had dental work, the local used by the dentist has not taken hold as solidly as it should, so they've had to use a lot of it, and even then, my feet started going numb before my mouth did - and this was a local anesthetic that should not have affected the rest of my body. The dentist I saw yesterday, though, took it really slow, injecting once, then waiting a while before injecting more. And most of my head went numb easily, so needing less of the drug and not affecting the rest of my body. I did get the shakes, but that seems to be normal.
There may also be some correlation between my switching and the anesthesia. Usually I try to stay solidly in control, dealing with the entire visit on my own. Yesterday, I actually had two appointments, with a little time between, and the tooth was pulled on the second one. Perhaps my control was not as tight as usual. And besides, I asked Sam to see if she could turn some of the pain I was getting in both visits to something a little more fun. She said dental pain just isn't sexy; no go. But she tried anyway. And I felt Cherish in there taking some of the pain onto herself, rolling it away as she does. I wonder if it was because we were working together that the drugs worked so well.
When I left the dentist, I was more clearheaded than I would expect after being all drugged up, and had no trouble driving to the pharmacy and waiting for my pain meds. I got all the way home with my face still numb and still not hurting much.
Unfortunately, that's the end of the good news. I took an hydrocodone when I got home, as I was starting to hurt in my mouth. The numbness slowly wore off, but it doesn't seem like the hydrocodone ever did kick in. I couldn't manage to switch to any of the alters until my boyfriend got home and was able to call Cherish out - that's not unusual when I'm hurting or feeling bad - no one else wants to hurt or feel bad either. And still, the pain was there. But Cherish accepted it and rolled it away, so it wasn't a problem. And yet, the meds should have reduced the pain - and my thinking as well. We couldn't even tell we'd taken any pills at all.
Today, I'm at work, so I've got to be out. I took another hydrocodone, and this one did dampen the pain a little bit, and made me sleepy a lot. Well, at least Kiara's not stuck here trying to do my job!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Abandoned, Drugged, and Exhausted (Me)
I've been sick for the last week. Nothing serious, just feeling really yucky. And it occured to me as I got well that I was running the show alone. None of the alters had come forward to take over much during the whole time I was sick. It would have been nice to share the burden of dealing with it, but no such luck. It was my illness, all mine. Now, granted, that makes sense. If you were an alter, and could choose to either inhabit a sick body and feel bad, or hang out 'backstage', as it were, and just wait for the sick to go away, what would you do? Yeah, no one wants to be sick. But I missed them - I felt abandoned a little bit.
So in the past I've noticed that I seem to need less rest/sleep as a functioning multiple than I used to, and certainly less than my singleton friends seem to need. But while I was sick, I was completely exhausted! Just a simple trip to the store was enough to wipe me out. I wasn't sick enough to make me that tired. My thought is that I've become so used to sharing my time with alters that I'm just not prepared, rest-wise, for a full day in charge. And it wore me out doing 24/7 and being sick as well.
Of course, the drugs I was taking surely didn't help. Drugs sometimes hit multiples in unexpected ways, or so I'm given to understand. Non-narcotic pain pills rarely have any effect at all. The last time I took narcotics, I shifted fully to Kiara and wasn't even coconscious with her. Allergy meds can put me to sleep, or dry me out. Valium-type medications can have a very delayed onset. The only thing that seems to work 'as advertised' (and then some) is Nyquil. It cures every symptom I might be thinking about having and knocks me out for a minimum of eight hours. Usually. Once or twice it's done nothing at all for me. The only thing that seems to be reliable about taking meds is that they ALL raise my blood pressure. So here I was sick and drugging myself appropriately, and sleeping almost the entire time. As far as I know, no one shifted in for the whole weekend. But my memory's still fuzzy thanks to the drugs instead.
Well, yesterday I felt reasonably healthy - a lingering cough and stuffy nose to remember it by. Hey, it's Spring - everyone has a cough and a stuffy nose. And last night, back came the crowd. Minutes from falling asleep, and Kiara bounces into the forefront. She got a snack, bounced on my new bed a little, talked to my boyfriend till he fell asleep... generally just entertained herself. At 2 o'clock in the morning.
So over the weekend I slept literally half of each day. Now I'm back to a sleep deficit. Thanks, little girl.
So in the past I've noticed that I seem to need less rest/sleep as a functioning multiple than I used to, and certainly less than my singleton friends seem to need. But while I was sick, I was completely exhausted! Just a simple trip to the store was enough to wipe me out. I wasn't sick enough to make me that tired. My thought is that I've become so used to sharing my time with alters that I'm just not prepared, rest-wise, for a full day in charge. And it wore me out doing 24/7 and being sick as well.
Of course, the drugs I was taking surely didn't help. Drugs sometimes hit multiples in unexpected ways, or so I'm given to understand. Non-narcotic pain pills rarely have any effect at all. The last time I took narcotics, I shifted fully to Kiara and wasn't even coconscious with her. Allergy meds can put me to sleep, or dry me out. Valium-type medications can have a very delayed onset. The only thing that seems to work 'as advertised' (and then some) is Nyquil. It cures every symptom I might be thinking about having and knocks me out for a minimum of eight hours. Usually. Once or twice it's done nothing at all for me. The only thing that seems to be reliable about taking meds is that they ALL raise my blood pressure. So here I was sick and drugging myself appropriately, and sleeping almost the entire time. As far as I know, no one shifted in for the whole weekend. But my memory's still fuzzy thanks to the drugs instead.
Well, yesterday I felt reasonably healthy - a lingering cough and stuffy nose to remember it by. Hey, it's Spring - everyone has a cough and a stuffy nose. And last night, back came the crowd. Minutes from falling asleep, and Kiara bounces into the forefront. She got a snack, bounced on my new bed a little, talked to my boyfriend till he fell asleep... generally just entertained herself. At 2 o'clock in the morning.
So over the weekend I slept literally half of each day. Now I'm back to a sleep deficit. Thanks, little girl.
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