Remix. Again. [Me]

Looks like the personality matrix has gone through a remix again. I've put off admitting it, even to myself. Because writing it down makes it more true. But I haven't seen several alters in a long time, and we have been seeing a new one. It's time to admit it, I guess.

Me, Sam, and Rubi are still the 'Big Girls'.
Kiara and Paul are still the kids in the group.
Paul has settled with ages 3,9, and 15 pretty well.

I haven't seen Cherish or Stephanie in months.
I've quit hearing Gracelyn even inside, even when I ask for her, look for her.
I don't think they're coming back. I'm putting up their nametags, into their 'personal effects' boxes. If they return, then I'll bring the nametags back out. But like Jarett, I feel like they may be so far inside they won't return.

Silent One isn't there either. There have been situations where it should have come out, when I was hurting terribly and trying desperately to absent myself, and it just didn't come out. It surprised me. My last resort is gone. But there is the 'closet person' who has been coming out more. When everything gets loud and overwhelming, I've been wanting to just retreat into a small space. And on the occasion I can actually do so, it feels very calming and peaceful. I can lose the upset as long as I'm in that small space.

I talked about that one in this post before. It's time to name that one so I can refer to her. I'd like to reuse Gracelyn's nametag, which has GL on it. The flower on the tag feels right for the newer alter. So I do baby name searches, and I get:
Glayd, Glaide - meadow
Glaine, Glayn, Glayne - jewel
Glenys, Glinys - holy, fair one
Outside the name searches, I find a few other words that have some feeling about them that works:
Glass, Glance, Gleam, Glow

It's hard to match a name to an alter that doesn't just announce who they are. But I can 'see' her 'aura' brighten with the amount of pleasure she takes in each, as I focus inside. Again, English is inadequate here. Glass seems to please her the most. And once I wrote that sentence, she 'turned' and went further inside. I guess that's the answer then. Her name is Glass.

Goodbye, Cherish, Stephanie, and Gracelyn. Hello, Glass.

Catching Up [Me]

I want to write more, but things keep coming up, and I'm too busy to have a few minutes. Or am I just procrastinating dealing with it because there are easier happier things to deal with first?

We're still dealing with my father's death. This weekend we went out of town to pick up some of his stuff from his wife. It was a really annoying weekend; she didn't have things ready and kept putting us off. We were all sick or injured - Boss and my daughter went with me - and I'm still feeling crappy health-wise. There was no sleeping, since an impromptu party sprung up at the house in which we were staying. I made several fails in my planning and time and money management for the weekend. The club we visited while down there had a power outage. It was just a stressful trip. But it was also fun. When you reach a certain level of 'fail', you just throw up your hands and give up on anything planned. We reached that point and then just worried about enjoying each others' company. So we had fun, just didn't accomplish much of what we set out to do. Or what I set out to do, at least. And there's still things going on.

I'm definitely feeling stressed and depressed. Unfortunately, in trying to help me deal with that, my family made it worse last night. I really needed to get some things done and then have some time not with anyone else. I already have a tendency, when I come home, to need a few minutes to get settled in without anyone making any demands on me. But last night was like a magnification of that. Everyone seemed to want to talk to me or create something I needed to interrupt what I was doing to deal with. I know the idea was to support me and comfort me and tell me I didn't have to work on stuff right then. But I needed the stuff done so I could relax, and I needed left alone to get the stuff done. It was an ugly spiral, and I'm still really stressed about it. I got up early this morning just to have some time where no one would talk to me.

And I'm teaching this afternoon. I've got to be all happy and authoritative and friendly. When really I just want to curl up in my cave and read a book.

I made a cave in my closet with some pillows and a book and a light. I'm finding I need a retreat spot a lot lately. I think there's a new alter that needs it. Either a new alter, or an evolution of Silent One, since there are some similarities, and I don't 'see' Silent One anywhere. This one's human, at least, but I think somewhat feral. And non-verbal. At least this one's need to hide in the back of the closet is easier to deal with than some of Silent One's behaviors, or even those of the kids sometimes.

It seems that Paul's system has reorganized a bit. It started a while back, when Baby Paul Age 2 and Baby Paul Age 5 apparently merged into Baby Paul Age 3. Now Paul Age 8 and Paul Age 11 seem to have merged into Paul, age 9 or 10 maybe? So we have Big Paul (14), Middle Paul (9-10), and Baby Paul (3). I think that's easier to deal with? I don't know what it means, that he's consolidating. I know his Age 2, 5, 8, 11, and 14 choices had to do with the age he was when certain events happened in his 'other world life'. Maybe going to new ages means he's attaching himself to this world and this life more than the other one? He's trying to figure out how to relate to Boss more/better. And Boss is trying very hard not to pressure him and to make it easy for him.

I haven't had a whiff of Cherish or Stephanie or the original Silent One in many weeks, or even Gracelyn. I don't know what that means. Are they gone? Are they just not needed right now? It's like the lights are off inside, and I can't tell what's going on. Even Rubi's mostly missing. I could really use her right now. I'm having lots of quick anger, which isn't normal for me. That's usually her arena. But she can't top, because I've torn some muscle in my arm. And she can't bottom heavily, because we slipped a disk in my back. She tries not to come out and be around Boss much because her behavior is detrimental to our attempt for him to be dominant over my system. So she has no outlet, and I think her anger is 'leaking' out to me.

The only alters that seems reasonably normal are Kiara and Sam. Sam pops out for quick moments, as she's always done, and Kiara comes out when she wants to and is very strong, then stays away when she wants. She's not as happy as she used to be, and hasn't been for months, but she's very strong. Now that my daughter is living back in town, I know that's pleased Kiara a lot, but they haven't spent much time together, even so.

All Moved In [Me]

So we've been in the new house for seven weeks now, and it's really feeling like home for me. Kiara and Paul, too, seem to be settling in. We don't have a bedroom, as such, but instead have two non-bed-rooms. Downstairs, we big girls have an office-library-music room with my piano and books and clothes. Upstairs, the kids have a playroom for legos and stuffed animals and other toys. The kids have definitely been busy setting up stuff upstairs, so I feel like they're reasonably comfortable. I've seen Gracelyn out doing housework-type stuff a few times, too, so I think she's good.

The ones I worry about are Stephanie and Silent One. They both have such an odd way of looking at the world that I'm not sure how they'll take things. We haven't seen Stephanie at all since we moved. At some point, Boss is going to have to pull her out on purpose, show her the new place and give her an idea what's expected of her. I'd rather him do it on purpose than her come out by accident, but honestly, I'm okay with her not coming out at all. It's pretty unpleasant having her out, really. She's terrified all the time, and suffers a lot of pain. This world is very hard for her to understand; electricity and running water are both magic to her. She's convinced that Boss is some sort of wizard, and that's why his house has these things. So she's happy to be his slave because she gets to use the magic bathroom. Which makes her want to please him so that he'll keep her.

Silent One is no less worrisome. It has come out once since we moved in. It woke up in our bed and immediately realized it was not in the den it was used to. Being in a strange den and not knowing where it was or who was around, it played asleep for a long time. It heard someone move in the other room, and then someone upstairs, and it was really jumpy. Even having Boss nearby didn't seem to help. It was very passive and limp, not even exploring the spot it found itself in. I think it was just terrified. So that's another one we've got to get out and introduce to the place, hopefully under Boss's control. Again, it being reticent to come out actually makes my life easier, but will have to be dealt with sooner or later.

An Avatar for Each [Me]

I made avatars! I found a site (which I have since closed instead of bookmarking - sorry!) where I could make an avatar of each alter. And I did, and it was pretty cool to hear them make choices in my head and direct what they should look like. I've added them to the Alters tab above, but I want to talk about them a little here. So I'm going to show them to you a few at a time and tell you about them now. We actually have an order we think of us in, radiating to either side of me. You may have noticed it when I transcribed a group meeting, the order in which we were arranged. But I'm sticking to that order here, because I find it helpful. And maybe interesting, too.

First, The Quiet Girls - Gracelyn, Stephanie, and Cherish. None speak up very often, but they each have a strong presence when they come out, nonetheless. Gracelyn first - she's furthest from me, and sometimes difficult to hear. But her position at the edge gives her the perspective to see what's going on, and keep her distance from the emotions of it all. She prefers shades of purple, and always carries a clipboard with her. Next is Stephanie. She sees Gracelyn as the Lady of the household and obeys her. Shades of brown suit her and her darker skin tone. She shares the title of Slave with Cherish, though they go about their service in different ways, dark and light. Cherish is golden and beautiful and graceful.

Then we have The Kids. Paul is Cherish's son, so he connects with her, but he's no slave. He's all boy, and very strong. He has his own subsystem of alters, but he takes up only one spot in my system. Green is his color - army green, grass-stain green. He gets to have the mohawk he likes, here. Kiara's also very strong, but she's a very girly girl. Bright blue for her, and we found a little polar bear teddy bear for her, too. She has a wig at home that she sometimes wears, styled in pigtails.

Kiara's the closest to me on that side, so I get to be next. I found a book to read, and short short hair for my avatar. I usually dress in shades of red and black, but I'm as likely to take on Kiara's blue or Paul's green, or even Gracelyn's purples. Together with Sam and Rubi, we make up The Big Girls. Sam found a sexy corset top and some comfy harem pants, and a messy kinda-short hair style suited her well. Rubi went sexier and tougher, with red spiky hair and lots of leather.

And then we have Silent One, who doesn't fit into any of the other categories. It's past Rubi simply because they are both rough and animalistic, with Silent One dropping any connection to human behaviors. We 'see' it in shades of gray and black. My theory is that because it has animal sight, colors just don't mean so much to it. We see it as somewhat fuzzy, and hairy. This avatar did approach some of the way it looks internally. 

So there we are, a quick visual image of the folks in my head. It was fun for us. We've added these images to our Pinterest boards, also, but I wanted to have them all in one place, too.

Status Update [Me]

The article about my class is online! We had a reporter come to the Kink 101 class that I taught, and here is the article that she wrote for Out & About. It wasn't great, but it's something, and it was positive about Kink, even if awfully light-hearted. It's not in the January print edition, so I'm guessing it'll be in February's.

We're still working on coming up with a name for Silent One - the kids stand outside the bars on the door to its room and try calling it. But when it does come to the door, we can't tell if it's responding to the kids, or to the name. The favorites are currently Umber, Tomak, Ilkin, Nox, Ferine, Fuzzy, or Tornit.

Some major happenings have occured in our friendship/sex life, but nothing that really impacts our multiplicity, so I think I want to keep it to myself and enjoy snuggling up to the memory. We've been really stable lately, for us, so I haven't felt too motivated to write.

The only major movement we've been having is with Paul. Back in mid-October, he got 'reset' somehow. He came out with a major loss of memories - and a loss of emotional connection to Boss to go with that. They've been working to rebuild their relationship since. Mostly Boss has worked on wooing him back. He's pushed more on regaining a friendship and a physical relationship than a romantic relationship, because Paul seemed to shy away from anything that might be interpreted as emotional.

But just before Christmas, that backfired in a huge way. Paul completely freaked out one night, pulling away and crying and hitting out at Boss. Then he wouldn't come out at all for several days because he was afraid of the consequences of what happened.

Since then, there have been a lot of conversations between me and Boss, and Gracelyn and Boss, and Gracelyn and Paul. Finally, Boss and Paul had a long discussion about their relationship, and the fact that Paul has the right to call things off (safeword), but he has to actually say it, or Boss can't read his mind and know things are going too far.

That conversation really seems to release a lot of the tension, and Paul's been out on pretty much a daily basis. He's really growing as a personality a lot. Some friends gave us a couple of compression shirts and boots, and we bought him a pair of pants and some underwear of his own. With his own wardrobe, he's got more confidence in his separation from the rest of the system. Our friends are recognizing him quickly, and that boosts his self-confidence, too. Last year, he created his own Fetlife account, and he's been getting more and more active there. He's even started exploring what kinds of activities he might be interested in, kink-wise, so that he can interact more. And with the GPS installed in the truck now, he's happy to do more of the driving.

I'm really enjoying seeing the boy out so much, defining himself. I know it pleases Boss a lot, too.

The Holidays Are Always Hard [Me]

I think the holiday season is always hard for everyone. You've got to buy presents without enough money, schedule get-togethers without enough time, and visit all those relatives that you tend to avoid during the rest of the year. We're all stressed during the holidays, whether about money, time, relatives, or some awful combination of the above. Added to that, we hit the shortest days of the year, and the weather suddenly turns cold. It's dark and wet and dreary all the time. There's all kinds of work deadlines to catch up to, and now people pressure you to think about resolutions for next year. No wonder we're all cranky and depressed during the holidays.

Over the last dozen holiday seasons, I spent seven or eight of them working on a stage version of A Christmas Carol. Which means from the beginning of October until mid-December, I was Christmassing very hard. By the time the show closed and the actual holiday came about, I just wanted it to be over. The other years, well, I was still a single mom with a little girl to buy presents for - money stresses and trying not to fight with her father over scheduling ruled a lot of my holidays.

The last couple of years, I was driving back-and-forth up to Kentucky to get my daughter, move her out of her dorm, visit my parents, move her back in the dorm, and try to help everyone get everywhere they were supposed to be. Not only did I not have the money for presents, but I needed to buy lots of gas, too! Add to that, every year I tend to get really sick either on Thanksgiving Day or Christmas Day - like, can't open presents or get out of bed long enough to eat a meal kind of sick. So health and money have been major stressors.

This year, things weren't so bad. The new job means I have more cash than I'm accustomed to, so early in the season, I spent some quiet hours at work buying presents. The real trick was saving them for Christmas instead of giving them out immediately. So my money situation is much, much better than usual. And my fantastic daughter managed her own ride from her dorm to home, and she didn't have to move out-and-in her  dorm, so that saved me a couple of days of driving and lots of gas money. We even have a scheme for getting her back that will combine with visiting family, and not as much driving as taking her back myself.

I didn't sign on for any big projects this year, either. No haunted house, no holiday plays, nothing. So I have the time and energy to visit and do things - and relax some, too. And we figured out one cause of the getting sick every year - I'm allergic to the cinnamon scent that's in all the Christmas potpourri and stuff. By buying my gifts online, I've avoided the stuff in stores that makes me sick every year.

So the only thing left from above is fighting with the ex. Well, the kid's an adult now, and she's finally starting to stand up for herself with him. Which means I'm not interacting with him at all. In fact, her boyfriend is supporting her in that more than I am. I'm pretty pleased with him; he seems to be a good guy.

So yeah, all the normal Christmas stress stuff is pretty okay for me this year. I haven't stressed much about it at all. The weather's been mild, and I've spent lots of time with the people who are actually important to me. And some time resting and relaxing. Not that we haven't had ANY issues. There's always something, isn't there? Boss is searching for a job; his could end at any time. The metamour has on-again, off-again health issues - but more good days than bad, lately, I think.

Kiara still seems to be mourning Bear. But we're headed to his house tonight for gaming, and we went to a Yule party at his house. We're trying to figure out how to relate with him now. And we'll get there. For now, Sam seems to be best at interacting with him. She was never that attached to him. But Kiara came out for presents on Christmas, and she got several.

Paul got several Christmas presents specifically for him, too. He's had some rough times working through how his system interacts with Boss lately, and we weren't sure he would even come to front for Christmas. But he did, and now he and Boss are starting to work things out again, carefully figuring out how things work.

Gracelyn also took a period of being missing. But not because she was upset; just because she didn't feel that she was all that needed. She's always been mostly background, sometimes moreso than others. Boss has been on vacation from his job, so she hasn't been out to drive to and from work with him, as we carpool. When we drive alone, it's usually me or Sam driving. Silent One has also been much quieter lately, but it did come out the other night, and it was a very calm event.

Stephanie is continuing to show up, and less likely to 'go blank', taking the body into a disconnected state. Cherish hasn't been out much, though. There's another slave to take some of her being. But when she is out, she has a lot more confidence, even a hint of a sense of humor. I'd like to see her out more.

Rubi has had a few opportunities for topping lately, and has had a couple of serious play sessions as a bottom. She doesn't seem to miss Bear as much as I expected, or maybe she's just biding her time? I feel like her complacency may be temporary, so I'd like to have her a regular play partner again. But it's probably a good thing, health-wise, that we aren't having as many heavy play scenes lately. And Sam's getting more play now, instead.

A Collection of Thoughts [Me]

I don't think the earring is going to make it. The hole's starting to feel and look infected again. And the new earring is too heavy; I can't sleep on that side while wearing it. Even Kiara seems to be wanting it gone - it gets in the way of our morning wake-up cuddling. Cherish is, of course, the main concern. But once the original earring was taken out, she doesn't seem to have the same attachment to the new one. And if it's better for the body for it to be gone...

We had another mash-up this morning. We woke up this morning with me out, but all mixed up with Kiara. And everyone else completely quiet. It wasn't uncomfortable, really, but it was different. Not like Kiara being out and me watching. The same kind of mash-up effect as Cherish had with Silent One last weekend.

Boss has tried renaming Silent One. Instead of SO, he reversed it to OS, and he pronounces it 'Oz'. I suggested NoSSO, for Not So Silent One, would be better. Either way, it doesn't answer to the name, though. It doesn't know why he's making that noise at it. It did pick up a few deliberate noises, though. When it was all mashed up with Cherish, it may have picked up some understanding of language. It made a lip-smacking sound when he said 'kiss', and an 'F' sound for fingers. And he said it very clearly said, "Hi" at one point. I wonder if the language pieces will stick when it's not all mashed up.

This morning, when I was mashed with Kiara, she finally started getting sleepy. And maybe because we were so strongly mixed, I was able to 'see' myself taking her by her hand and leading her back to her room, tucking her in, and getting a nose-kiss goodnight. Then I was able to come back to the front, and my vision cleared about and I was in front all solo. It was very sweet.

We stopped doing our DnD gaming. I'm not doing any role-play gaming now. And it's making me want to write again. Writing/roleplaying is therapy for me. My own self-directed therapy. I'm thinking about looking up my old Star Trek RPG. Or maybe writing some fiction. I might get some friends to co-write with me. I've always enjoyed things I've co-written better.

Sam has started doing a little bedroom role-play with Boss. In the middle of sex or cuddling or whatever, he'll say something to indicate what 'scene' he's feeling like, and Sam's started jumping right in to play that role. She's the most verbal of us during sex, and the most 'out for fun', so it makes sense that she'd jump in for that.

We saw Bear last night. Once a week, we've started going to a trivia night thing that he's doing. And Sam's been the one going to it. She's enjoying hanging with him, and she's got a 'date' to play with him this weekend. She's made no pretense to him of being Me, but he hasn't acknowledged it. He also hasn't shied away from it. He also hasn't, say, asked after Kiara, who won't come out around him at all. Might be interesting for aftercare this weekend.

Well, there's a bunch of collected thoughts for you. They actually are connected to each other, if you know where to look. None quite justifying their own post. But these are things going on with us right now.

Silent Mash-Up [Me]

We are often co-conscious. I'll slide back and forth with Sam, or Sam with Rubi. We can't really say which is most in control, because two of us are. Most of the time, the mix is pretty obvious and predictable. For instance, last Saturday at the club, we were invited to 'top' someone. In the kink world, that means that we were the ones doing. And Rubi's the only one who has a real interest in topping. But Rubi does have a tendency to go too far, so I usually co with her to do the 'responsible caring' part. I make sure we check in on our victi... bottom, and I do the negotiating. That's a co-conscious mix that I'm accustomed to.

After that scene was over, though, we (Me, Sam, and Rubi) played with Boss. And played hard, until he and we were so worn out we couldn't hardly stand up. It was wonderful. But then it got... difficult. The three of us 'big girls' (Kiara's term for Me, Sam, and Rubi) pretty much just passed out. Unfortunately, nobody took back over, so the body was, for all intents and purposes, unconscious. Boss tried to wake me up and call me out, but I was too deeply asleep to answer. Finally, he managed to get Cherish out to take over. Normally, that would be fine, but while we were all 'out', Silent One apparently came partly out. It often does when the body is otherwise unattended, but only at home. The club is NOT a good place for it to manifest.

If anyone should be co-con with Silent One, it should be Rubi, or Me. My last choice for that would be Cherish. It's earthy, raw, primal, violent. She's... none of those things. And both are the least verbal we have, so they can't even tell Boss what's happening. Cherish was able to control walking and direct answers, and hands; just enough to get to the car and sit, then enough to walk to our room. Silent One... feasted on the sights on the way. It was hungry to see what things were, especially since it had never been outside before. Neon lights flashed, cars and people moving, and it had no context to know what everything was.

But Cherish held a sort of mental cage around it enough to get home. Until we got out of the car and started walking through wet grass. Grass is something Silent One knows. It has looked out the window wanting to get into the grass - again, it was wet that night; I don't know if that's relevant. But we nearly dropped down to play in it, taste it, roll in it. Cherish thought quickly and covered our eyes with one hand, and that held everything long enough for Boss to get us inside. He's said since then that he had hoped Silent One would never actually get outside, and I agree. But it's done; we'll see what kind of ramifications roll off of this event.

It's Coming... [Me]

Something is coming, some change. I'm not sure what it is, and avoiding worrying about it has kept me from blogging. Also, how do I write about something that I'm not sure what it is? There's a note on the internal whiteboard that some sort of internal reorganization may be underway. The last few times that's happened, we've increased in number. Isn't ten enough people to have in my head? Anyway, I haven't really heard any new voices, so maybe it's something else. I did see Kiara playing around a few weeks ago, moving around pieces of paper on the floor with everyone's names written on them; I don't know if that's related. But there are definitely symptoms of 'Change on the Horizon'.

Last weekend, I had a pretty bad breakdown. Sunday morning we went to a birthday party, but I really wasn't in any shape to be around people. There's work being done in our apartment, and it's been seriously interfering with my routines and peace of mind. I don't handle well having everything I own piled up haphazardly and having to sleep in another room. But there was no way we were going to miss the party, so I was trying to push on through. I got there, though, and just wasn't able to handle it. I ended up being sent upstairs to take a shower and put on fresh clothes, since I hadn't been able to shower at home that day because of the mess, and I was so messed up in the head that I had put on a dirty shirt instead of a clean one. I got upstairs, started the shower, and just collapsed, sobbing. Boss showed up a few minutes later to hold me and let me cry it out; then he put me into the shower and got me cleaned up. Sure enough, I felt a lot better once I was cleaned up and had had some 'poor me' time.

The week after was just fine, but this weekend, we had another issue. Friday night we went out to the dungeon as usual. I knew it was going to be a bit of  weird night; the Bear was going to be there. And the friend running the night's activities is moving out of town; this would be his last time there. And someone would be there that has frequently excited Paul's attention - and Paul's not allowed out at the dungeon. On the way to the club, Kiara popped up internally asking about the Bear and the friend that's moving. And she was being really difficult and pouty about both situations. To the point we had to make her 'go to her room'. So I expected it to be a touchy evening. I knew the Boss would play with me and help me stay sorted out. Yeah, well, that didn't go so well. I can't really say what happened, because I've lost that time, but it sounds like I just didn't respond normally, and then collapsed partway through, Silent One coming out in catatonic mode. Boss dealt with it as best he could, eventually getting Cherish to come out. He quickly got us home and to bed. The next morning, I was a little shaky, but mostly okay. And I had lost the time entirely. I remember supper that night, and I woke up in the morning, with maybe a couple of snippets of conversation that may or may not be valid. I hate losing time.


And this morning we had another episode of loss of control. Boss was stressed yesterday, and Lynn ended up coming out to comfort him, something that only happens rarely. But the day went fine. Sometime in the night, we were cuddling and stuff, and he triggered a reaction that we've purposely set up for play purposes. One that needs him to 'release' me from it when over. And we fell asleep before he released me. This morning, the alarm went off, and somehow I was co-conscious with Silent One. I was able to get up and shower and stuff as normal, but I couldn't speak, and Silent One was pawing at Boss to wake him, and reacting as it usually does to things going on. We were stuck both out together, and it was extremely uncomfortable. And alarming, since I had to go in to work very shortly. However, Boss figured out what was going on (even though I couldn't tell him), and managed to help us switch back around to me being out.


And that's when I saw the note on the internal message board that some internal reorganization is coming up. I'm not sure what that's going to be, as it hasn't sorted itself out yet. 

It's Alive [Me]

I mentioned before that Silent One is now sometimes active, and now I'm ready to elaborate. I've only written about Silent One once before, about three stages in it's existence. We're still in Stage Three - Exploration, but I think we can consider also being at a Stage Four - Full Existence as an Alter.

There seem to be two 'modes' of Silent One. The inactive, catatonic reaction to extreme situations is a mental escape. It's also an outcome from breathplay and being taken to the point of losing consciousness, but stopping just shy of it. In this state, I am somewhat aware of stimulus input, but it's very muted, and I/we can't react unless it's extremely negatively painful. However, as we come out of this state, the stimuli that was, to all appearances, ignored, compounds. The body will twitch, small twitches at first, building to whole body convulsions if something doesn't distract us.

The second, and newer mode of Silent One is an active one. When Silent One is active, I have some limited 'view' of its mind, but not nearly as clear as what I can 'see' with most of the other alters. Silent One is definitely animal, not human, and I feel a clear lack of gender definition. It doesn't think in words, only reactions and needs. It sniffs and licks things to find out about them. It will use teeth before hands, and then doesn't use the fingers at all. We thought at one point that it could be hard of hearing; I think maybe it just doesn't process the sound well - it will listen to the Boss talking by pressing its ear against his chest instead of listening at his mouth. And nothing he says registers as words - the tone is what it responds to. Its vision is very blurry, and better suited to the dark. 

Luckily, this active mode of Silent One seems to be pretty fond of the Boss. It has come out voluntarily a few times recently - usually when we are starting to fall asleep, and the control over who's in front is weakened. Or it will come out when an alter in front leaves and no one has stepped up to take their place yet. Just after orgasm is a 'weak moment' where it can come out easily. It usually starts by being very still and soaking up information about where we are. I will feel my hands close into an approximation of paws, and our breathing will deepen and be focused in the back of our throat. If the Boss is nearby, it will nuzzle him or sniff and lick at his skin. If he's careful, he can pet on it and interact. If he's not careful, it will pull away from him or nip at him.

Things we have learned.... Silent One does not like to be restrained in any manner. Although holding my wrists comforts most of us, it panics if held still. It doesn't like to expose its belly, but will snuggle up to the Boss laying on its side. If he growls or makes clicking noises at it, it will pay some attention. And although I haven't heard them, he's heard it make some noises - whines and growls and such. It likes for him to scratch at its back or rub my head. But if he moves suddenly or tries to force it to move, it will bite at him - something I know he hates.

Silent One [Me, Lynn]

"Is Silent One needed any longer - maybe it could fade away?" That's how I finished my last blog post. I don't think I've ever really written about Silent One before. Some of that is because it frightens me. And some of it is simply not knowing what to say. But I think it's time. I'm seeing three stages of Silent One's existence.

Stage One - Escape Mode
Silent One began as a crisis all-fail response. When I was abused by my husband and couldn't physically leave to get away from it, I left mentally. I completely checked out and left the body lying limp and helpless on the floor. This catatonic state is Silent One. I had some vague view of what was happening, but couldn't react, and didn't really feel the pain or hear the yelling. You know, when the victim doesn't react to the abuse, it seems to take the energy out of the abusing.

When I went into this state, it could last for minutes, or for many hours. Either way, I/we would eventually fall asleep, for some amount of time, usually only minutes. And that's when the terrors began. Nightmares, screaming, running, terror, fear - but all inside my head. And inescapable, not like a dream that you wake up from. From the outside of the body, though, all that's happening is some twitching of muscles, and maybe some rapid breathing. Until the end, when I would wake up screaming. Sometimes at home, sometimes in the hospital.

This happened enough times to have a very predictable progression. It continued to occur periodically for years after the initial trauma, generally triggered by extreme emotions. Unfortunately, that could include sex or other positive experiences. The frequency gradually tapered off until several years went by without.

Stage Two - Recognizing Silent One
Once I got into BDSM, I knew that I had to keep people from grabbing my throat - that had set off an 'attack' a few times in the past years. But one night it happened; someone grabbed my throat by accident. And I collapsed, curling into a fetal position, then going completely limp - catatonic again. I came to without the screaming, though. Instead I started sobbing - like my heart was broken - to the point of gagging myself repeatedly. Eventually the sobbing died down and I recovered. And made sure everyone knew to leave my throat alone.

As I became aware of being multiple, I recognized this horrible state of catatonia as being likely to be another alter. And named it Silent One. Although my primal coyote beast is a headspace, not an alter, Silent One does feel like an alter, just one with a lack of personality. Silent One is a null state where all personalities have fled, and none are present. It's an un-personality. But although there aren't thoughts or actions, there are emotions present. I suppose that's why I categorize it as a personality and not a headspace. There's terror and anger and fear and pain and a sense of looking, being lost, all mixed up out of control. I've avoided this state whenever possible, but it's part of me/us, and has to be faced eventually.

Stage Three - Exploration
My boyfriend loves breathplay. Turns out that we do, too. Sam and Rubi and I all yearn for it. But there's a point of being choked out by blood cutoff, not air cutoff, that's just before actually passing out, where you lose control and go limp and drop mental control of yourself. With most people, that's quickly followed by loss of consciousness. When you release control of yourself, you pass out. With us, there's an intermediate step. I feel myself let go, and start to pass out, but that's when Silent One takes over. It fills the vacated mental space and remains conscious. From the outside, I'm not sure it looks any different from passing out, but I'm still aware, just not in control. I can 'feel' Silent One in front.

In the past months, we have purposely played with this. At first, Silent One would eventually fall asleep, and the terrors were back, with screaming and crying as I awoke. But the boyfriend recognized the twitching that precedes the terrors, and experimented with ways to stop the progress there. He tried calling each of us out, without a great deal of success. But one time, he was able to call Cherish out enough that she asked him to hurt us, distract Silent One from the internal terror by an external sensation. And he tried several different ways of doing that, with varying degrees of success. So he was able to help me break into control with a combination of hurting the body and calling on either me or Cherish. And most of the time, we avoided the terrors. Progress!

Last night, we made a new step. After some breath-play, Silent One was out. And as we were just starting to twitch, the boyfriend tried a particular pain to break me out of that mode. But instead of me coming out, Silent One... reacted. This is big; it's never reacted before. It moved away from him, away from the pain. So he went to get a flame, which also helps break us out, and Silent One actually opened up my eyes and appeared to be looking around. I don't think it could really see - the feedback I picked up was almost like my eyes were crossed. But the flame drew its attention, and the boyfriend says his voice seemed to create a reaction, looking more in that direction. However, from my vantage point, I know that nothing he said actually registered as words. Silent One appears to be without language, and possibly somewhat deaf. Which makes sense, considering that part of its genesis was to stop hearing abusive yelling and fighting.

One last thing about Silent One - I have read a tiny bit about catatonic schizophrenia, and the description seems to fit Silent One's behavior, only with the safety valve of switching to another alter. I'll have to learn more about it.