Monday, February 29, 2016

A Time of Endings [Me]

I'm going through some rough times right now, and I expect the next few days to continue to be tense. It'll get better after that, but right now it's hard.

Boss and I have both resigned from the Education Committee at the club. It's time for that committee to evolve a bit, and a lot of the reasons why we needed to be on it are no longer there. Boss has been too busy at work to really participate anyway. And I was feeling burnt out when it started - two and a half years ago. So I'm going to drop down to just teaching. It's a positive move, but I'm a little sad about it.

The big change things, though, are related to the moving and breaking up that started last April. MK and I broke up, but he continued living in the upstairs bedroom as a roommate. It's been strained and awkward the whole time. So when Boss and I finally moved into a new place last month, just the two of us, that finally brought us several steps closer to being really actually separate. I never really had any 'closure' or moment of breaking up with MK, and I'm not going to get it. Because we didn't have a big fight - our break up came about because he just stopped talking to me for three weeks because his feelings were hurt. Turns out the cold shoulder just completely freezes me. So three weeks later, when we trapped him before he could run upstairs and avoid us, I asked him, "So are we done, or what?" His response was, "I guess so." Yeah, that was our big closing argument. So no fight, no discussion, no reasons why even, and then his 'working on moving out' dragged on for nine months. We didn't end things, they just got ignored until they withered. The whole things leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

But that's not all. Because he's still living in the place we all rented. He was going to be out the first week of February, then mid-February, then by last weekend. Our lease ends today. Our stuff's out, but when we went this weekend to clean the place before turning it over to the landlord, we found that he had barely started packing, and all of his things were scattered and spread out even more than before we moved. His big plan is to move everything out today after work, and move into his new place tomorrow. I told him directly that I don't believe he will get everything out and get it cleaned by tonight. But what happens if he doesn't? Do I negotiate with the landlord to come in tomorrow after work and clean it? Do we just turn it over as is? Technically, MK should work with the landlord about renting it for an extended period of time. But we all know that won't happen. Boss and I are on the same lease that MK is, that obligates us and ties up getting our security deposit back. I know tonight's going to be awful, and I'm afraid we've been blackmailed into helping him move and then staying up all night cleaning.

I'm so angry at MK for putting me in this position. Angry at him for always failing to communicate with me. Angry at him for ignoring our relationship to death. Angry that he wouldn't go away when it was over. Angry that he still hasn't moved out even with the lease ending. Angry that I'm going to end up having to pick up after him. Angry that I'm not even going to get to say goodbye to someone that I did love and spent several years of my life with. And I'm angry that he's not going to be in my life anymore, as difficult as being even friends with him can be.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

The body is female, and it's hard to hide it. [Paul]

I got my feelings hurt tonight. Nobody meant to, but it happened.

We went to an event tonight where it was more appropriate for me to be out front than anyone else. Those don't happen much, so I was excited. This morning, I packed clothes for us to change into after work, before the event.

So after work, I got rid of the bra and girl-shirt. I put on a compression teeshirt - no easy feat without help. Then I put on a men's tank top, and our leather vest. It takes some work to pull the compression shirt out enough to adjust all the lumps under it to look right, but I eventually got it okay. I put a do-rag on my head, because the people we were gonna see are used to M having a bald head. I wanted to look noticeably different from her. I wanted to look more masculine, too. Jeans stayed on - they're pretty ungendered, and our shoes are pretty masculine.

I was feeling pretty good about the way I look. I know I'll never really look masculine enough people will look at me and think 'boy', but I felt like I definitely looked ambiguous, where no one would point and say 'girl'.

I had some time to kill, so I went to a couple of shops. The first one was a Mens XL shop - only mens clothing. The clerk came from the back, saying, "Hello, Sir, welcome." That felt good. Then he got a couple steps closer, and said, "I'm sorry. Ma'am." He made a joke about having trouble seeing that far away. I didn't correct him, because, well, the body is, indeed, female. He spotted it. As much as I could do to look male, it only worked from a distance. It hurt my feelings. Not at him, but at my effort.

However, I went to the event, and everyone there that knew us immediately greeted me by my name, not M's. They had no doubt it was me and not her. So I got that much clear.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Mutliplicity of Me hits Facebook [Me]

I've been unhappy for a while with my production of posts on this blog. Also, I've been questioning how I've used it. It's become simply a personal blog, which reveals a lot about my kink and relationships, even my work and parenting experiences. This isn't a bad thing, but it does mean that my blog isn't really about being multiple anymore.

On the other side of the coin, I would like my blog to show experiences of being multiple, but in a way that I don't mind just anybody (read: strangers) reading and getting to know me. I don't give out this blog address to just anybody. I'm wary of my daughter reading it, and No Way does my mother need to read it. But my idea in starting it was to make it more accessible for singletons to realize what being multiple is like.

So where does that leave me? I could gut this blog, but there's a lot of Good Stuff in here. I could start a new blog. That fixes some of the issues, but not all. For instance, I feel the need to write a certain minimum amount here to make it worthwhile. And sometimes, I'd like to just throw out a sentence or two.

So I started a Facebook Page (as opposed to a personal profile). It is at The advantage of using a Page is that anyone can Like or Follow it from Facebook and learn a bit about us there. It's just about being multiple, not the rest of my life. I can just write a quick little update, or link to other multiple-related stuff on there. I can send my Mom to it, or anyone.

But I plan to keep this blog alive, too. Not with the little day-to-day multiplicity stuff, but where I can write bigger things, posts that may be too scary or too personal for Facebook, stuff about being kinky and poly and multi all together - you know, like I've been doing. I won't feel guilty for long breaks here, because I'll be doing smaller stuff on FB. But I can do the bigger things here I don't feel are appropriate there.

And sometimes, I might do the same thing in both places. I've already grabbed a lot of stuff from here and just copy-and-pasted there. I've also made a list of posts here that could be rewritten or something similar written as a post on FB - things that are specifically about being multiple.

So we'll see how it goes.

Monday, June 29, 2015

The Dam Has Broken [Me]

It seems the dam has broken. I wish I understood it better. But I feel like we have an improvement.

MK hasn't spoken to me or Boss since the beginning of April, except short grunts and answers to direct questions. He's stomped angrily past us whenever he's moved through the house. After several weeks of that, we dragged him into a household conversation, where he confirmed that my relationship with him is over, and indicated that he would look for a place to move out to. He's continued to be angry and cold.

Yesterday, the MK that I have always enjoyed and liked came downstairs and started showing off something he had worked on. He acted like everything was fine - and had always been fine. Now remember that he is a multiple also.  His personality switches have always been longer-term than mine, lasting days of weeks instead of hours, more often than not. And here's the MK that I can deal with. But too late. I'm still angry over the last three months of ill treatment, and now I'm angry that he can just drop into acting like nothing was ever wrong. As a roommate, though, this alter is infinitely preferable, so I hope this switch lasts for a while.

It just goes to show that multiples in relationships with multiples are just as likely to bust as relationships between singletons. I think the strength of my relationship with Boss is that each of my alters has a relationship with several, if not all, of his alters. My relationship with MK and Boss's relationship with Metamour were both centered around one alter of each system, and the rest were more incidental.

Anyway, I just hope that the MK we saw yesterday stays around for a while. Maybe it's too much to hope that he'll sit down and talk to me, but at least I won't catch myself flinching when he storms by.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Location and Relocation [Me]

It occurred to me this week that the whole first half of this year has been, and continues to be, about residences, in some way or another. There's been a lot happen that all had to do with where people are located.

We started the year off with Boss losing his job, and finding one in Washington DC. That started off a huge mega-conversation about who was going to DC with him and who wasn't, and what we could do and should do and would do. Part of that conversation resulted in the realization that I wasn't willing to move out of state right now. Another part pointed out the fact, in stark detail, that Metamour and Boss's relationship really was over. At the time, my relationship with MK was much stronger than my relationship with Boss. And then he found and accepted a job in town, which changed the plans, but not what we had all learned.

The next big thing was selling my old house. I hadn't lived in the house for a while, but the expense of keeping it, and the mental toll it was taking on me, was a major factor. When I sold the house, I suddenly had a much better income/expense outlook. Because of that, and with Boss's new job, we were able to adjust the family money flow so that what we put into the household was a lot more fair. Both Boss and I would have more discretionary income than we had been able to have. That meant getting some savings and being a lot more financially secure, for both of us.

Selling my house also meant that my daughter came to 'couch-surf' at our house. She's living out of a suitcase, sleeping in Kiara & Paul's playroom upstairs while she saves up money and looks for an apartment. (Which means we now have five people in our house.)

Now Metamour's moving out. Honestly, that nickname isn't really an accurate name to call her anymore, since she and Boss officially called it 'Done' back in February. But I'm continuing to use it for continuity. Anyway, with the new discretionary income, Boss and I have been able to pull together some money to help her get started on her own. So she found an apartment, and she got hooked into a program that's going to help her get some job training. She moves tomorrow. It's really exciting, because it means turning the page to the next stage of life, for all of us. (And then there will be four.)

Once Metamour has an apartment, it'll be the daughter's turn to get one. It's getting to her, having all of her stuff in storage, so I expect her to be moving into a place pretty soon. (And then there will be three.)

After all that, we'll be down to Boss, myself, and MK. And it'll be time to force some sort of confrontation with him. Will he move downstairs to work on a three-person relationship? Will he move out entirely? Will he stay upstairs as 'my ex-b/f roommate'? I have no idea what's going to happen with him next.

Incidentally, my non-bio daughter, who does not live with us, is also moving - next week. So we'll be helping her do some moving stuff too, probably. Also, the BDSM club we teach and play at has moved this year as well. Which has resulted in a fair bit of juggling schedules and addresses. Nothing major, but one more thing. 

So the first half of 2015 has about location and relocation. I hope it's just the first half of the year. I'd love for the second half of the year to be a bit more stable. Maybe it could be about improving financials - paying off debts, saving money, and such. Wouldn't that be nice?

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Are Two Multiples in a Relationship Still Considered a Couple? [Me]

Metamour has found an apartment and is moving out this weekend. My daughter is starting to look pretty seriously at a couple different places. And I've definitely crossed the line to considering my relationship with MK done.

It's a weird way to end a relationship. I mean, I've gone through some relationships, so I've gone through some breakups. I've had two divorces. And I've always at least known when the end occurred. I've been dumped by text. I've come home to find he's moved out. I've even been told by the new girlfriend. But I've never had a relationship just... ignored to death.

I'm really pleased to see how little this has messed with the system in my head. Both of the kids have been out about as much as normal. Paul's recently gotten a LOT of new Legos, so he and Kiara have been building up and taking apart and sorting and storing on an almost daily basis. Kiara was out for supper last night; not for any particular reason, but just because, and she was cheerful and nice. Rubi had a scene at the club last weekend, and it went great. Sam's even poked her head out (and her tongue) a few times recently that I've been aware of.

So yeah, things are progressing. Now, after Metamour gets moved out, dealing with MK is next. The original plan is that he was going to move into her room - so that he would be more accessible and there would be more interaction between the three of us, and we could work on our relationship of three... I'm guessing that won't be happening that way. Once she's out, then I'll take him on. One thing at a time.