I've been unhappy for a while with my production of posts on this blog. Also, I've been questioning how I've used it. It's become simply a personal blog, which reveals a lot about my kink and relationships, even my work and parenting experiences. This isn't a bad thing, but it does mean that my blog isn't really about being multiple anymore.
On the other side of the coin, I would like my blog to show experiences of being multiple, but in a way that I don't mind just anybody (read: strangers) reading and getting to know me. I don't give out this blog address to just anybody. I'm wary of my daughter reading it, and No Way does my mother need to read it. But my idea in starting it was to make it more accessible for singletons to realize what being multiple is like.
So where does that leave me? I could gut this blog, but there's a lot of Good Stuff in here. I could start a new blog. That fixes some of the issues, but not all. For instance, I feel the need to write a certain minimum amount here to make it worthwhile. And sometimes, I'd like to just throw out a sentence or two.
So I started a Facebook Page (as opposed to a personal profile). It is at https://www.facebook.com/multiplicityofme. The advantage of using a Page is that anyone can Like or Follow it from Facebook and learn a bit about us there. It's just about being multiple, not the rest of my life. I can just write a quick little update, or link to other multiple-related stuff on there. I can send my Mom to it, or anyone.
But I plan to keep this blog alive, too. Not with the little day-to-day multiplicity stuff, but where I can write bigger things, posts that may be too scary or too personal for Facebook, stuff about being kinky and poly and multi all together - you know, like I've been doing. I won't feel guilty for long breaks here, because I'll be doing smaller stuff on FB. But I can do the bigger things here I don't feel are appropriate there.
And sometimes, I might do the same thing in both places. I've already grabbed a lot of stuff from here and just copy-and-pasted there. I've also made a list of posts here that could be rewritten or something similar written as a post on FB - things that are specifically about being multiple.
So we'll see how it goes.
Showing posts with label link. Show all posts
Showing posts with label link. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Remix. Again. [Me]
Looks like the personality matrix has gone through a remix again. I've put off admitting it, even to myself. Because writing it down makes it more true. But I haven't seen several alters in a long time, and we have been seeing a new one. It's time to admit it, I guess.
Me, Sam, and Rubi are still the 'Big Girls'.
Kiara and Paul are still the kids in the group.
Paul has settled with ages 3,9, and 15 pretty well.
I haven't seen Cherish or Stephanie in months.
I've quit hearing Gracelyn even inside, even when I ask for her, look for her.
I don't think they're coming back. I'm putting up their nametags, into their 'personal effects' boxes. If they return, then I'll bring the nametags back out. But like Jarett, I feel like they may be so far inside they won't return.
Silent One isn't there either. There have been situations where it should have come out, when I was hurting terribly and trying desperately to absent myself, and it just didn't come out. It surprised me. My last resort is gone. But there is the 'closet person' who has been coming out more. When everything gets loud and overwhelming, I've been wanting to just retreat into a small space. And on the occasion I can actually do so, it feels very calming and peaceful. I can lose the upset as long as I'm in that small space.
I talked about that one in this post before. It's time to name that one so I can refer to her. I'd like to reuse Gracelyn's nametag, which has GL on it. The flower on the tag feels right for the newer alter. So I do baby name searches, and I get:
Glayd, Glaide - meadow
Glaine, Glayn, Glayne - jewel
Glenys, Glinys - holy, fair one
Outside the name searches, I find a few other words that have some feeling about them that works:
Glass, Glance, Gleam, Glow
It's hard to match a name to an alter that doesn't just announce who they are. But I can 'see' her 'aura' brighten with the amount of pleasure she takes in each, as I focus inside. Again, English is inadequate here. Glass seems to please her the most. And once I wrote that sentence, she 'turned' and went further inside. I guess that's the answer then. Her name is Glass.
Goodbye, Cherish, Stephanie, and Gracelyn. Hello, Glass.
Me, Sam, and Rubi are still the 'Big Girls'.
Kiara and Paul are still the kids in the group.
Paul has settled with ages 3,9, and 15 pretty well.
I haven't seen Cherish or Stephanie in months.
I've quit hearing Gracelyn even inside, even when I ask for her, look for her.
I don't think they're coming back. I'm putting up their nametags, into their 'personal effects' boxes. If they return, then I'll bring the nametags back out. But like Jarett, I feel like they may be so far inside they won't return.
Silent One isn't there either. There have been situations where it should have come out, when I was hurting terribly and trying desperately to absent myself, and it just didn't come out. It surprised me. My last resort is gone. But there is the 'closet person' who has been coming out more. When everything gets loud and overwhelming, I've been wanting to just retreat into a small space. And on the occasion I can actually do so, it feels very calming and peaceful. I can lose the upset as long as I'm in that small space.
I talked about that one in this post before. It's time to name that one so I can refer to her. I'd like to reuse Gracelyn's nametag, which has GL on it. The flower on the tag feels right for the newer alter. So I do baby name searches, and I get:
Glayd, Glaide - meadow
Glaine, Glayn, Glayne - jewel
Glenys, Glinys - holy, fair one
Outside the name searches, I find a few other words that have some feeling about them that works:
Glass, Glance, Gleam, Glow
It's hard to match a name to an alter that doesn't just announce who they are. But I can 'see' her 'aura' brighten with the amount of pleasure she takes in each, as I focus inside. Again, English is inadequate here. Glass seems to please her the most. And once I wrote that sentence, she 'turned' and went further inside. I guess that's the answer then. Her name is Glass.
Goodbye, Cherish, Stephanie, and Gracelyn. Hello, Glass.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
The Egg [Me]
I read this today and wanted to share it. It speaks to my beliefs.
I also found a few videos that mostly follow it. The better ones, in my opinion:
- http://youtu.be/ehRggplMieM
- http://youtu.be/pgHvGg_2Lew
- http://youtu.be/d2VxMJzBsuM
The Egg
By: Andy Weir
You were on your way home when you died.
It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.
And that’s when you met me.
“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”
“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.
“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”
“Yup,” I said.
“I… I died?”
“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.
You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”
“More or less,” I said.
“Are you god?” You asked.
“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”
“My kids… my wife,” you said.
“What about them?”
“Will they be all right?”
“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”
You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”
“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”
“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”
“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”
“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”
You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”
“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”
“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”
“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”
I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.
“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”
“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”
“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”
“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”
“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”
“Where you come from?” You said.
“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”
“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”
“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”
“So what’s the point of it all?”
“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”
“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.
I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”
“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”
“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”
“Just me? What about everyone else?”
“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”
You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”
“All you. Different incarnations of you.”
“Wait. I’m everyone!?”
“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.
“I’m every human being who ever lived?”
“Or who will ever live, yes.”
“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”
“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.
“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.
“And you’re the millions he killed.”
“I’m Jesus?”
“And you’re everyone who followed him.”
You fell silent.
“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”
You thought for a long time.
“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”
“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”
“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”
“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”
“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”
“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”
And I sent you on your way.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Armpit Hair [Me]
Go read this first:
How my armpits inspired me to make conscious choices
These are my thoughts on the matter, posted on Facebook:
I shave my pits because I'm 'supposed to' and because people important to me have expressed it as a preference. But I hate shaving them. It makes me aware of my fat and my inability to contort myself in the ways necessary to do so. It means that I am self-conscious about when the last time is that I shaved and whether the shirt I've chosen for a day exposes that. This is one part of 'femininity' I have long considered trashing, along with the makeup and piles of jewelry I gave up long ago.
How my armpits inspired me to make conscious choices
These are my thoughts on the matter, posted on Facebook:
I shave my pits because I'm 'supposed to' and because people important to me have expressed it as a preference. But I hate shaving them. It makes me aware of my fat and my inability to contort myself in the ways necessary to do so. It means that I am self-conscious about when the last time is that I shaved and whether the shirt I've chosen for a day exposes that. This is one part of 'femininity' I have long considered trashing, along with the makeup and piles of jewelry I gave up long ago.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Motel M is for Sale!
I posted this in my Facebook notes, but here it is again, because it bears repeating. I need to get the house sold and out of my life.
My old house, affectionately referred to as Motel M, is now up for sale! Price is $85,000 As-Is. 1212 sq feet, 3BR, 2BA.
It's a nice little zero-lot-line house (think duplex, but with two separate owners, and a bit thicker walls). It needs a little work, and would be fantastic for someone to come in and fix up, either to live in or to rent. I lived there for four years, and then rented it out to friends for a couple of years. But it just isn't arranged well for us, since two of us can't go up and down the stairs, and only the Master Bedroom is on the ground floor.
Downstairs is the Living Room, which has a fireplace in one corner, and a cute little eat-in kitchen that gets lots of light. There's an attached laundry room with lots of space for storage - we had three large bookcases in there to hold all the laundry stuff and tools and such. There are also pantry shelves over the washer/dryer hookups. Also downstairs is the Master Bedroom (12x17 ft), which has a large closet (21 feet of closet-rod space!). Also the Master Bathroom, with a standup shower and a new dual-flush toilet. Upstairs are two very large bedrooms (11x21 ft each) with angled ceilings and long closets, as well as a second full Bathroom with a standard tub. Outside there is a small back porch/deck attached to a new wood storage shed with plenty of room for a wheelbarrow, lawnmower, etc. There's one nice tree in the back yard, and one in the front.
The house does need some fixing up, within the reach of do-it-yourselfers. Inside, it needs some paint, and the carpet's old and stained. The upstairs tub runs a little, and needs resurfaced or covered by one of those bath-fitter setups. Some of the ceiling upstairs shows evidence of an old water leak (over 6 years ago). Outside, the ridge vent on the roof needs replaced, and some of the fascia outside needs replaced. Other pieces of fascia have been replaced and merely need painted.
The water heater and central heat & air unit were both replaced 2007-2008. The kitchen includes a fridge and dishwasher.
The MLS listing number is #1544712. Here are some links to some online listings for the house:
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Mall Trip With the Kids [Me]
Yesterday we had some time to kill, so we stopped at the mall. Specifically to go to The Container Store, which is one of my favorite stores. Now, I have a serious fetish for organization and things to put stuff in. I've always loved boxes that stack, and organizer kits, and my favorite purses have been the ones with zippers and pouches and sections. I do like my stuff, but I really love my stuff all organized and neat. Yeah, it's a personal problem that I can live with. So anyway, The Container Store (TCS) is a kind of candy store for me.
The last time we went to TCS, Paul picked up a couple of little plastic organizers for Legos. As we were going in, I told him that he could get a couple more, if he wanted. They are only $2.99 each. Well, of course, if I'm getting something for one kid... Kiara asked if she could get something, too. I told her that if she found something inexpensive that she wanted - not just to get something, but something she actually wanted anyway - then yes. If Paul gets something, she can get something.
So we wandered around for a while, and Paul found his organizers. But then he found some more little clear boxes, and he made a really wise decision. He put the plastic organizers back, and decided to wait until after we move and get some boxes that could be used to organize his Legos and also put them on a pretty display. Here are the boxes:
8.25"x3.5" - http://www.containerstore.com/shop?productId=10035409&N=&Ntt=stackable
8.25"x3.5" - http://www.containerstore.com/shop?productId=10035408&N=&Ntt=stackable
8.25"x3.5" - http://www.containerstore.com/shop/containers/boxes?productId=10032168&N=80804
3.5"x2.75" - http://www.containerstore.com/shop?productId=10032170&N=&Ntt=stackable
3.5"x2.75" - http://www.containerstore.com/shop?productId=10035360&N=&Ntt=stackable
So Paul didn't get anything at TCS. And because Kiara didn't see anything she just had to have, she didn't get anything either. We still had time to blow, so we walked around the mall. I never buy things at this mall, because it's in the ritzy area of town, and it's all very expensive stores. But then Kiara saw the candy store. You know, one of those with the bins of bulk candy where you buy it by the pound. She wanted to go in. I explained that we aren't getting candy. We're trying to get a smaller body - and candy doesn't help that. And I didn't have any cash, and didn't want to buy enough to justify using a card. So she insisted on just looking.
I went in, at the same time reaching in my purse to see if I had some spare change. Lo and behold, my wallet was missing! I remembered putting it in my purse, but I also remembered my purse tipping over in the car. So it was in the car. I was not going back for it.Which means we left the candy store with No Candy. And the little princess was Not Happy About It.
Honestly, it was a typical trip to the mall in a lot of ways. Both kids looked around and wanted, and neither got anything. I was really proud of Paul for planning ahead and deciding to hold off, though.
The last time we went to TCS, Paul picked up a couple of little plastic organizers for Legos. As we were going in, I told him that he could get a couple more, if he wanted. They are only $2.99 each. Well, of course, if I'm getting something for one kid... Kiara asked if she could get something, too. I told her that if she found something inexpensive that she wanted - not just to get something, but something she actually wanted anyway - then yes. If Paul gets something, she can get something.
So we wandered around for a while, and Paul found his organizers. But then he found some more little clear boxes, and he made a really wise decision. He put the plastic organizers back, and decided to wait until after we move and get some boxes that could be used to organize his Legos and also put them on a pretty display. Here are the boxes:
8.25"x3.5" - http://www.containerstore.com/shop?productId=10035409&N=&Ntt=stackable
8.25"x3.5" - http://www.containerstore.com/shop?productId=10035408&N=&Ntt=stackable
8.25"x3.5" - http://www.containerstore.com/shop/containers/boxes?productId=10032168&N=80804
3.5"x2.75" - http://www.containerstore.com/shop?productId=10032170&N=&Ntt=stackable
3.5"x2.75" - http://www.containerstore.com/shop?productId=10035360&N=&Ntt=stackable
So Paul didn't get anything at TCS. And because Kiara didn't see anything she just had to have, she didn't get anything either. We still had time to blow, so we walked around the mall. I never buy things at this mall, because it's in the ritzy area of town, and it's all very expensive stores. But then Kiara saw the candy store. You know, one of those with the bins of bulk candy where you buy it by the pound. She wanted to go in. I explained that we aren't getting candy. We're trying to get a smaller body - and candy doesn't help that. And I didn't have any cash, and didn't want to buy enough to justify using a card. So she insisted on just looking.
I went in, at the same time reaching in my purse to see if I had some spare change. Lo and behold, my wallet was missing! I remembered putting it in my purse, but I also remembered my purse tipping over in the car. So it was in the car. I was not going back for it.Which means we left the candy store with No Candy. And the little princess was Not Happy About It.
Honestly, it was a typical trip to the mall in a lot of ways. Both kids looked around and wanted, and neither got anything. I was really proud of Paul for planning ahead and deciding to hold off, though.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Personality Tests [Me, Gracelyn]
You know there's some online personality test things to tell you your Myer-Briggs Personality Type. Somebody on my Facebook posted this one - http://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test, and we actually managed to cooperate enough this morning to get several of us to take the test. So I have six sets of results, and they hit all over the board.
The people that took the test are:
Me - Paul - Kiara - Rubi - Gracelyn - Stephanie (well, Gracelyn filled it out on Stephanie's behalf)
and their results were:
ESFJ - INFP - ENFP - ISTP - INFJ - ISTP
Sentinel
I scored as ESFJ. My two strongest scores were as a Judging Extrovert. Looking at their description of each of these traits, I would agree.
"If someone tried to define ESFJ personality traits in three words, it would probably be Practical, Altruistic and Sociable. Forming around 12% of the population, ESFJs want to be of service to others and take their commitments very seriously – they do not really worry about what role they are in, as long as they get a chance to socialize with other people and feel valued and appreciated."
Diplomats
Paul scored as INFP. His strongest scores were as a Feeling Introvert. Kiara scored as ENFP. Her strongest scores were as a Feeling Extrovert. I find it interesting, but not surprising, that the two kids scored almost the same, except for being introverted/extroverted. Also, on the three matching measurements, Kiara scored higher on each than Paul did. She simply feels more strongly about everything. Is that perhaps a function of age?
Paul: "Forming around 4.5% of the population, INFP personalities are usually perceived as calm, reserved or even shy. However, such an exterior can be deceptive – even though INFPs can be somewhat cautious, their inner flame and passion is not something to be taken lightly. People with this personality type are really affectionate, a trait not often seen in other types."
Kiara: "Forming around 7% of the population, people with the ENFP personality type tend to be curious, idealistic and often mystical. They seek meaning and are very interested in other people’s motives, seeing life as a big, complex puzzle where everything is connected. Not surprisingly, ENFPs tend to be very insightful and empathic individuals – this, plus their charm and social skills, often makes them very popular and influential."
Gracelyn scored as INFJ. Her strongest scores were as a Judging Introvert. Since she is our 'den mother' and counselor, this makes sense for her.
"The INFJ type is believed to be very rare (less than 1 percent of the population) and it has an unusual set of traits. Even though their presence can be described as very quiet, INFJ personalities usually have many strong opinions.... INFJ personalities are drawn towards helping those in need.... Karma and similar concepts are very attractive to INFJs."
Explorers
Rubi scored as ISTP. Her strongest scores were as a Prospecting Introvert. This works with her feelings about never being bound to a single path and being fiercely independent.
The people that took the test are:
Me - Paul - Kiara - Rubi - Gracelyn - Stephanie (well, Gracelyn filled it out on Stephanie's behalf)
and their results were:
ESFJ - INFP - ENFP - ISTP - INFJ - ISTP
SentinelI scored as ESFJ. My two strongest scores were as a Judging Extrovert. Looking at their description of each of these traits, I would agree.
"If someone tried to define ESFJ personality traits in three words, it would probably be Practical, Altruistic and Sociable. Forming around 12% of the population, ESFJs want to be of service to others and take their commitments very seriously – they do not really worry about what role they are in, as long as they get a chance to socialize with other people and feel valued and appreciated."
Diplomats
Paul scored as INFP. His strongest scores were as a Feeling Introvert. Kiara scored as ENFP. Her strongest scores were as a Feeling Extrovert. I find it interesting, but not surprising, that the two kids scored almost the same, except for being introverted/extroverted. Also, on the three matching measurements, Kiara scored higher on each than Paul did. She simply feels more strongly about everything. Is that perhaps a function of age?
Paul: "Forming around 4.5% of the population, INFP personalities are usually perceived as calm, reserved or even shy. However, such an exterior can be deceptive – even though INFPs can be somewhat cautious, their inner flame and passion is not something to be taken lightly. People with this personality type are really affectionate, a trait not often seen in other types."
Kiara: "Forming around 7% of the population, people with the ENFP personality type tend to be curious, idealistic and often mystical. They seek meaning and are very interested in other people’s motives, seeing life as a big, complex puzzle where everything is connected. Not surprisingly, ENFPs tend to be very insightful and empathic individuals – this, plus their charm and social skills, often makes them very popular and influential."
Gracelyn scored as INFJ. Her strongest scores were as a Judging Introvert. Since she is our 'den mother' and counselor, this makes sense for her.
"The INFJ type is believed to be very rare (less than 1 percent of the population) and it has an unusual set of traits. Even though their presence can be described as very quiet, INFJ personalities usually have many strong opinions.... INFJ personalities are drawn towards helping those in need.... Karma and similar concepts are very attractive to INFJs."
Explorers
Rubi scored as ISTP. Her strongest scores were as a Prospecting Introvert. This works with her feelings about never being bound to a single path and being fiercely independent.
Stephanie scored as ISTP. Her strongest scores were as a Sensing Introvert. Stephanie's testing was very difficult to do, as so many questions didn't make sense for her. Because she is autistic, some things just don't coalesce in her mind, especially those things involved with abstract thought or making her own decisions. She has always been denied the power to be in control of herself, so the idea is rather foreign to her. I certainly would not have expected her and Rubi to fall into the same group. But some of the explanation from the site brings that into a bit more clarity:
"People with the ISTP personality type form around 5% of the population and possess many interesting traits that can easily baffle outsiders. They are usually very rational and logical, but can also surprise everybody by suddenly becoming more spontaneous and enthusiastic. While most other types tend to be easily recognizable and have clearly outlined traits, this is definitely not the case with ISTPs – even people who know them well may not be able to anticipate their reaction to something.... ISTPs are relatively private individuals, which makes it even more difficult for other people to tell what is really going on in their minds. ISTPs can also become unexpectedly stubborn and vocal, especially when their principles and habits are being criticized.... People with the ISTP personality type tend to have a very good sense of humour, which may either help defuse a tense situation or make things even more complicated if the ISTP makes a joke that could be seen as insensitive. ISTPs are not naturally emotional and they may have difficulties recognizing the boundaries of what is allowed and expected in emotionally charged situations – consequently, they may unwittingly hurt people belonging to more sensitive types."
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Diaries of a Broken Mind [Me]
So many things going on lately. I've been too busy to blog, haven't known what to say. I still don't. But I'm going to share this video. Jess, a fellow multiple, did a DID talk at her school (which I blogged about already), and I ran across the video of it. We've become Facebook friends. She was selected to be in Diaries of a Broken Mind, which was a BBC documentary about people dealing with mental illnesses. Jess has now put a link up to the show, so here you go:
You can see her come up at 13:29 and 48:33, then again at 1:06 and 1:22. The others are mostly bipolar, eating, and social disorders.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
The Mental Illness Happy Hour [Me]
Just a few minutes ago, I was looking around at my desk saying, "Okay, what's next?" And I realized, there's nothing that NEEDS to be next. I took a moment to just realize that. It's been weeks since I was close enough to caught up to be at that place, where sure, there are things to do, but nothing that I really need to do before the other things that I could be doing. I was stuck for a moment. I've been so caught up in being busy lately that I didn't know what to do. So I came here. I miss blogging so much. I certainly feel mentally healthier when I come here and write about what's going on with me. And finally my blog ended up at the top of my to-do list for a moment!
One of the things that have been taking time away from blogging is mentalpod.com - The Mental Illness Happy Hour. One of the people that came to my kink class for healthcare professionals recommended it to me. Twice. So I made a point of checking it out. I finished listening to my first podcast today - first of any kind; I don't know anything about this world of podcasting. It's very hard for me to listen and pay attention without something visual; I suspect I won't keep up with it very well. But I also went over to the forums and signed up. I described myself as a kink educator, and didn't say anything about being multiple. Maybe I'll get around to addressing it from that side of things as well. And I wrote the podcaster and offered to be a resource for him, maybe a guest blogger. I also read some of the blogs and guest blogs on there, and I wanted to share one or two here.
Here's one - a very positive self-assessment about Living With Mental Illness. I try to have this sort of outlook, and I appreciate Andrea sharing it. The other is by the podcaster, Paul, and it's about depression -The Power of Shame & Secrets. I love this intro:
It shows up in my sexual emotions first, I think. At least where people outside my head can see it. In the middle of sex, I'll be feeling kind of "Well, here I am. I guess this is fun, but if I were sleeping instead, that would be fine." Even more so as my partner is trying to arouse me, to interest me in sex. When I'm not flat, I'll initiate sometimes, but I'll usually wait for them to do so. When I get all flat, it's almost impossible to get myself feeling excited until the sex is actually happening. I've been there the last few days. I'm not depressed, but I'm not excited; I'm just a little flat. Sorry, Boss; please keep trying. I'll catch up to you soon, I hope.
One of the things that have been taking time away from blogging is mentalpod.com - The Mental Illness Happy Hour. One of the people that came to my kink class for healthcare professionals recommended it to me. Twice. So I made a point of checking it out. I finished listening to my first podcast today - first of any kind; I don't know anything about this world of podcasting. It's very hard for me to listen and pay attention without something visual; I suspect I won't keep up with it very well. But I also went over to the forums and signed up. I described myself as a kink educator, and didn't say anything about being multiple. Maybe I'll get around to addressing it from that side of things as well. And I wrote the podcaster and offered to be a resource for him, maybe a guest blogger. I also read some of the blogs and guest blogs on there, and I wanted to share one or two here.
Here's one - a very positive self-assessment about Living With Mental Illness. I try to have this sort of outlook, and I appreciate Andrea sharing it. The other is by the podcaster, Paul, and it's about depression -The Power of Shame & Secrets. I love this intro:
I’m in a funk. I don’t want help. I don’t want the healthy solution. I want the unhealthy distraction.I know how he feels. This is what I feel when I'm shaking into or out of a depression. Flat, bland, bored with myself and my feelings. I just want to feel. And that flat feeling can last for a long time, and it crops up again all the time. And every time, it makes me afraid that a depression is coming. But not too afraid, because I'm feeling too flat to care all that much.
I want some fucking excitement.
I’m sad. Not suicidal. Just flat. Nebraska flat.
It shows up in my sexual emotions first, I think. At least where people outside my head can see it. In the middle of sex, I'll be feeling kind of "Well, here I am. I guess this is fun, but if I were sleeping instead, that would be fine." Even more so as my partner is trying to arouse me, to interest me in sex. When I'm not flat, I'll initiate sometimes, but I'll usually wait for them to do so. When I get all flat, it's almost impossible to get myself feeling excited until the sex is actually happening. I've been there the last few days. I'm not depressed, but I'm not excited; I'm just a little flat. Sorry, Boss; please keep trying. I'll catch up to you soon, I hope.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Photo Album
I made a photo album about me - about us - as a multiple. Here's a link to it - Multiplicity of Meronym (Shutterfly book)
Friday, July 26, 2013
Akhilandeshvari - Change, Fear, and Brokenness [Me]
I ran across this article from Facebook today - http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/06/why-being-broken-in-a-pile-on-your-bedroom-floor-is-a-good-idea-julie-jc-peters/. Go ahead and read it, or at least skim it; I'll wait.
I have certainly found myself lying broken in a pile on my bedroom floor - more than once. Usually it follows after weeks of trying to hold it together and be strong to deal with all the things I or we need to deal with. And I'll seesaw back and forth between 'holding it together' and 'falling apart', until I finally crash, completely and utterly, and hit the bottom of depression. There's crying and not talking and staring into space, maybe even throwing up and taking naps at weird times and eating binges. But I can't seem to get back up to a healthy point without that crash. When you're at the bottom, you can't go anywhere but up, right?
I've been floating up and down on that seesaw a lot lately. I'm not depressed, but I'm definitely not happy. I know it's stressing Boss out a lot, or his stress is stressing me out a lot. Whatever; it goes both ways. But I can't crash yet, because the problems causing the stress still exist. Some of them. There's money problems - but there are always money problems. Boss got a job, so that one's clear. But Boss and the boyfriend are still all cold shoulders to each other, and I can't seem to figure out a way to change that. My teaching is going excellently! But I'm putting in a lot of extra work on my classes. I'm not sleeping well, and my switching around seems to be kind of erratic. Boss and Paul have worked some things out, and that's really great. And I still own a house that I need to sell, and both our vehicles need to be traded in and replaced. So yeah, too much chaos to crash and restart yet. So I'm holding it together. Mostly.
So this goddess, Akhilandeshvari. She seems to be a multiple's patron goddess. Always change and chaos and brokenness. Harnessing fear and spinning it around to be strength. I love this line: "All the places where you’ve shattered can now reflect light and colour where there was none. Now is the time to become something new, to choose a new whole."
I searched the name of this goddess, and came up with a few more good articles. Every one of them was kicked off by reading that original article I just linked to you above.
I have certainly found myself lying broken in a pile on my bedroom floor - more than once. Usually it follows after weeks of trying to hold it together and be strong to deal with all the things I or we need to deal with. And I'll seesaw back and forth between 'holding it together' and 'falling apart', until I finally crash, completely and utterly, and hit the bottom of depression. There's crying and not talking and staring into space, maybe even throwing up and taking naps at weird times and eating binges. But I can't seem to get back up to a healthy point without that crash. When you're at the bottom, you can't go anywhere but up, right?
I've been floating up and down on that seesaw a lot lately. I'm not depressed, but I'm definitely not happy. I know it's stressing Boss out a lot, or his stress is stressing me out a lot. Whatever; it goes both ways. But I can't crash yet, because the problems causing the stress still exist. Some of them. There's money problems - but there are always money problems. Boss got a job, so that one's clear. But Boss and the boyfriend are still all cold shoulders to each other, and I can't seem to figure out a way to change that. My teaching is going excellently! But I'm putting in a lot of extra work on my classes. I'm not sleeping well, and my switching around seems to be kind of erratic. Boss and Paul have worked some things out, and that's really great. And I still own a house that I need to sell, and both our vehicles need to be traded in and replaced. So yeah, too much chaos to crash and restart yet. So I'm holding it together. Mostly.
So this goddess, Akhilandeshvari. She seems to be a multiple's patron goddess. Always change and chaos and brokenness. Harnessing fear and spinning it around to be strength. I love this line: "All the places where you’ve shattered can now reflect light and colour where there was none. Now is the time to become something new, to choose a new whole."
I searched the name of this goddess, and came up with a few more good articles. Every one of them was kicked off by reading that original article I just linked to you above.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
More MPD Dance [Me]
A few months ago, I blogged about the MPD Dance my daughter choreographed. I finally got to watch the video, and Boss watched it with me. I can't share the video still, but here are a couple more pics from it.
Watching it again was great. I couldn't see the expressions on the dancers faces; that was a great part of seeing it live. But watching it smaller this time was still pretty powerful. Getting Boss's reactions to it was great, too. He recognized some of my alters in her dance; that's pretty good choreography, considering that my daughter hasn't even met all of us yet. Below, you can see a Rubi-equivalent trying to get the body's attention.
Watching it again was great. I couldn't see the expressions on the dancers faces; that was a great part of seeing it live. But watching it smaller this time was still pretty powerful. Getting Boss's reactions to it was great, too. He recognized some of my alters in her dance; that's pretty good choreography, considering that my daughter hasn't even met all of us yet. Below, you can see a Rubi-equivalent trying to get the body's attention.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Quote Files Anniversary
So today is the one-year anniversary of another blog. I love to collect quotations, so here are the ones that I've collected that mean something to me - http://quotefiles.blogspot.com/
Monday, May 6, 2013
Monday, April 15, 2013
MPD Dance [Me]
This weekend we drove to my daughter's college to watch a dance performance she was in. Not only as a dancer, but as a choreographer. We've been talking for months as she put together choreography for this one, because she did the dance about being multiple. Here's the music for the dance; you should listen to it while you read:
It was a long dance - six minutes - but she had a lot to cram in a short time. She had two dancers, one male and one female. The male dancer represented the outward appearance of the host body, and the female dancer was only in the mind. Because the male dancer had to be all the alters, there was a lot of 'face' acting required for this song. And because my daughter chose to use different styles of dancing to represent the behavior of each alter, the dancing was pretty demanding as well.The first point where the dance got me was when her host dancer was doing a fairly strong dance, with the mind dancer writhing around on the stage nearby. I thought, "how distracting," and then smiled. Because yes, an alter writhing around in my head with one emotion while I'm trying to be solid and dependable and strong IS very distracting, indeed. Another part that I loved was seeing the merry-go-round effect I've tried to describe, where the host was spinning around, and the mind was pushing him around and around and around some more.
The dancers echoed each others movements at times, sometimes coming into unison dancing, other times splitting completely and competing for the audience's attention. And then occasionally they cooperated, like the moment when the host sat on the ground broken and hurting, and the mind circled behind him, comforting and encouraging, and finally helping him to rise up and face things again.
There will be a video of the entire dance show coming out soon. If we can get it cut down to a video of just that dance, I will come back to edit this post and include it. I'm terribly proud of my singleton daughter trying to design a dance to portray what she has come to understand about my multiplicity. It's a touching tribute, and I won't say that I got through it without tears.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Stephanie's Story [Paul]
With Stephanie gone to storage, I did some cleaning up of the files we got in our head. She won't be using 'em no more. At least not for a long time, I think. And I found her memories. Like me, she showed up with some memories already in her head. Like watching a movie, you know? I wrote out some of my memories into our story-blog. And I thought it'd be good if I did the same with hers, so we couldn't forget 'em. One of them had already been shared with Boss, and the other was stuff we'd mostly all guessed about, like how she got hurt. Anyways, the links are here - Part One and Part Two.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
DID Presentation [Me]
I want you to go watch this video. Yeah, it's really long. But it's worth it. It's a very basic overview of DID presented by a student who is a multiple. I just finished it. I did have to take a few breaks, both to work, and to keep my head together. Boss watched part of it last night, and it made him really spinny, as it has me. Talking really intensely about being multiple makes it more... active? My analogy to him was that it's like watching porn. Even it you're doing nothing, thinking about sex a lot makes you want to have sex. Thinking a lot about being multiple makes you lean toward more switching. So I have a switchy headache right now, not from switching, but from the effort to not switch. That has to wait until we leave work, of course. But for now, go watch the video.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Stephanie Finds a Voice [Me]
For Stephanie and for Silent One both, they don't exist enough in this world that I can link to them clearly. Not the way I can Sam or Kiara or Paul - we can more or less read each others' minds, when we think to do so. When, say, Kiara is out, I can observe what she is doing, as well as feel what she is feeling, and I can mostly eavesdrop on her thoughts as well. I know why she's doing something, more or less. Maybe it's less reading her mind and more understanding her. But for Stephanie, just because she is out, it doesn't necessarily mean that I 'get' her any better. All I can do is watch and try to keep up. And it's not as easy to watch - like I'm watching from behind a curtain or something.
This morning, Stephanie spoke, a little. It gave me a tiny glimpse into her world. We got up to take a shower as usual. But we recently got a new shower-head, and it's amazing - it pours out so much water over a large area, and it's just pure luxury to stand under it. The danger with that is that Stephanie is so strongly drawn to water. If she comes out, it's usually connected with a shower or a bath. Boss knows that if I'm in the shower too long, he needs to come fetch her out and help us switch back; it's happened a few times.
But this morning, as I'm enjoying the shower spray, Stephanie came forward. She delights in the feel of the spray hitting her ears, and the sound of the water tapping. I watched her turn slowly around. As she settled into the body, she adjusted her weak arm to hang straight down, and put her weight on her good leg. She swayed back and forth under the water, enjoying the water spray moving over and around her body, especially around her head. I noticed that when the water completely covered her bad shoulder, the phantom pain from it seemed to go away.
And that's when I heard her voice. If you've ever watched the movie Nell, you'll remember how she blurred words until they were unrecognizable, but they were language to her. Here's a clip with some, if you want - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHbQI2305qw. 'Tay ina win' is 'dance in the wind'. 'Done key' is 'don't cry'. And 'Ah so ta-ta' is 'I was so tired.' And so on. It sounds like someone who is deaf learning to speak aloud. And that's how Stephanie sounded. Just a whisper, but over and over again, I could make out, "Was bluh 'way." And as she kept repeating it, I think she was saying 'wash the blood away'; and she may have been singing. I couldn't hear a tune, exactly, but she was... pitching the noises?
So my first thought, knowing that she's from pre-Civil War slavery, was that it could be a song she was singing, a spiritual hymn perhaps. There are several with something about being washed by the blood, or about blood washing your sins away, or something like that. And slaves at that time were often baptized by their Christian owners, so that's possible. Stephanie's also very literal-minded. If she was baptized, she could easily have believed she was being washed with actual blood, and it needed to be washed away. Or she could have been washing in blood, or washing blood away, from some other tribal belief or something. It's not very clear to me, but it is terribly interesting.
Either way, when the water started running cold, for once Stephanie let me give her some direction. She turned off the water, dried off, and went to find Boss. I had hoped he would realize we were in the shower too long, and come rescue her. But I was pleased she let me 'push' her to make the next few steps. She did get to him, and he got her to step back internally so that I could take over.
Stephanie and Cherish both have that limitation. They will rarely switch away on their own; they need orders to do so. The rest of us can switch in and out at will, but the two slaves deny having any will of their own. Silent One, too, doesn't always cooperate with switching. But we can sometimes lure it away if left quiet for a while.
This morning, Stephanie spoke, a little. It gave me a tiny glimpse into her world. We got up to take a shower as usual. But we recently got a new shower-head, and it's amazing - it pours out so much water over a large area, and it's just pure luxury to stand under it. The danger with that is that Stephanie is so strongly drawn to water. If she comes out, it's usually connected with a shower or a bath. Boss knows that if I'm in the shower too long, he needs to come fetch her out and help us switch back; it's happened a few times.
But this morning, as I'm enjoying the shower spray, Stephanie came forward. She delights in the feel of the spray hitting her ears, and the sound of the water tapping. I watched her turn slowly around. As she settled into the body, she adjusted her weak arm to hang straight down, and put her weight on her good leg. She swayed back and forth under the water, enjoying the water spray moving over and around her body, especially around her head. I noticed that when the water completely covered her bad shoulder, the phantom pain from it seemed to go away.
And that's when I heard her voice. If you've ever watched the movie Nell, you'll remember how she blurred words until they were unrecognizable, but they were language to her. Here's a clip with some, if you want - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHbQI2305qw. 'Tay ina win' is 'dance in the wind'. 'Done key' is 'don't cry'. And 'Ah so ta-ta' is 'I was so tired.' And so on. It sounds like someone who is deaf learning to speak aloud. And that's how Stephanie sounded. Just a whisper, but over and over again, I could make out, "Was bluh 'way." And as she kept repeating it, I think she was saying 'wash the blood away'; and she may have been singing. I couldn't hear a tune, exactly, but she was... pitching the noises?
So my first thought, knowing that she's from pre-Civil War slavery, was that it could be a song she was singing, a spiritual hymn perhaps. There are several with something about being washed by the blood, or about blood washing your sins away, or something like that. And slaves at that time were often baptized by their Christian owners, so that's possible. Stephanie's also very literal-minded. If she was baptized, she could easily have believed she was being washed with actual blood, and it needed to be washed away. Or she could have been washing in blood, or washing blood away, from some other tribal belief or something. It's not very clear to me, but it is terribly interesting.
Either way, when the water started running cold, for once Stephanie let me give her some direction. She turned off the water, dried off, and went to find Boss. I had hoped he would realize we were in the shower too long, and come rescue her. But I was pleased she let me 'push' her to make the next few steps. She did get to him, and he got her to step back internally so that I could take over.
Stephanie and Cherish both have that limitation. They will rarely switch away on their own; they need orders to do so. The rest of us can switch in and out at will, but the two slaves deny having any will of their own. Silent One, too, doesn't always cooperate with switching. But we can sometimes lure it away if left quiet for a while.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
The Magic Daughter - Introduction [Me]
I've just started reading 'The Magic Daughter' by Jane Phillips. I have a feeling you're going to see a lot of it here. I'm probably going to copy entire passages here for commentary. I'm very excited about it; it stirred up a lot of, "Yes, that's it!" for me from the first few pages on. In fact, I'm only 50 pages into it, and I'm saying now that, if you have any interest in multiplicity, you need to get this book - the Amazon listing.
The book jacket explains that it started as a suicide note, but the explanation became so interesting to the author that it became a memoir that served as her therapy vehicle, much like this blog has done for me. I love the tone of voice she takes. She avoids several tones I've disliked in other multiple accounts:
The book jacket explains that it started as a suicide note, but the explanation became so interesting to the author that it became a memoir that served as her therapy vehicle, much like this blog has done for me. I love the tone of voice she takes. She avoids several tones I've disliked in other multiple accounts:
- I am a victim; I've been so horribly traumatized. Here's a list of the terrible things I've suffered.
- I am a hero; I beat everything and life will never be bad again!
- I am a professor; here is a treatise on how to cure a multiple.
- I am here to provide you a chronicle of what happened; figure out the emotions yourself.
And none of those are invalid formats; but they sure aren't a lot of fun to read. I read them anyway, for the nuggets of good stuff and thoughts they provoke. But I'm liking this one a lot. I was already familiar with it, a bit, because of a quote I had run into previously. So it's been on my 'To Read' list for a while.
I'm going to re-read the Prologue and put in comments here, probably with some quotes also, and then make myself stop to read more to you later. I appreciate that the author didn't sit down to write a book for people to read; she sat down to explain what she needed to say, and then the writing took over. Writing does that; it does it for me. It's both frightening and terribly rewarding to have the writing take over and pour itself out of you, like being on a log ride that jerks you around and speeds around blind corners and splashes all over you. But when you get to the end, it just feels so exhilarating and joyous.
Scheherazade stayed alive because she was an artful storyteller. I stayed alive because the business of writing about my multiplicity took a whole lot longer than I had imagined, and because within days of beginning this project, I soon grew interested in the task that I had set for myself.
If you've ever tried to write a paper as part of a committee, you may have some sympathy for the struggle it is for a multiple to write a book. There are a number of people looking over your shoulder internally, all making suggestions for changes and wording. My system has agreed that this is basically my project, but I often rewrite entire swathes to observe the needs and opinions of my alters.
The author talks about the struggle she had trying to put the different pieces of the book into some sort of chronological order. But multiples don't think chronologically. It's like trying to take the events of the Back to the Future movies, the Terminator movies, the Aliens series, and Star Trek all into one chronology (by the way - look here). Technically, it can be done, but they don't have anything to do with one another. Or they overlap in conflicting ways. Even better, lets do the chronology as a group project, and no one has seen all the movies; different people have seen different ones.
And once she got some sort of chronological order forced upon the events, then there was the repetition. Each alter told the story from a different point of view, so telling it once is like trying to build a police report of an accident by asking ten different witnesses. Some things will match, others won't. And everyone thinks their version is the 'real true version'. And then - something changed. Trying to match the different stories led to the alters seeing each others' versions and sliding around to overlap them - and some integration began.
So let's stop there for a moment. How much of our individuality is due to our different perceptions of an event? When you go to see live theatre with friends, no two people will see exactly the same show. For any given scene, one person is watching the person delivering the lines, but someone else is watching the supporting actors interacting in the backgroup. Another person is looking at the set, and another has run to the bathroom. No one saw the exact same show. This is where film brings us together as a society. When you see a film, you typically all see much the same show, unlike live theatre, and even less like real life.
But when you have alters comparing what they see/saw in life, it starts to bring them together, until they remember something resembling the same show. This is part of why I blog. By putting down my thoughts here, I am telling my side of the story, but I am also hearing comments from alters about what their view looked like. It brings us together. And if some one of us doesn't have a memory of an event, reading it as I write gives them some context, again bringing us together to think as a group.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
More on Stephanie [Me]
I guess we can stop thinking of Stephanie as temporary. She doesn't seem to be going anywhere. But we aren't creating a separate space for her - she has been sharing space with Cherish, and it appears that is a good move for both of them. The two slaves sharing a room is working out fine.
She was out yesterday. It started with a shower, of course. We were taking a shower with Boss, and then next thing I knew we had switched. I knew it when I realized she was holding on to our left arm. I'm not sure when he realized it. But he had her wash him, and tried talking to her a bit.
I think she probably can talk, with some difficulty. It feels like the inside of her mouth is too big for the outside. I think maybe she has a speech impediment or a deformity of the mouth, or maybe an injury to her jaw at some point. I know she can make noise, and she can talk with Cherish helping her. But she 'knows' that if she tries to talk, the words won't come, and ugly noises will come out. She kept thinking "I'm not dumb." But in her origin time, dumb also meant mute, so I'm not sure which she meant - or both.
I've asked Boss to help teach her some sign language. Even if it's just pidgin sign-language that only works inside the family. We have some that we use. We have signs for when we play for safewords - 'red', 'yellow', and 'green' - and we use signs for 'water', 'coke', 'lie down'. I'd like her to learn 'master', 'bathroom','hurt', and something to indicate a safety concern, at the very least. I'd also like to see him use signs or touches to talk to her - 'come here', 'stay there', 'undress', 'pay attention', commands for her to understand. I feel like she could communicate better with hands than voice. Sound just doesn't 'click' well for her.
Touch, however, does work well - for all of us. Boss uses touchpoints to help us switch or to comfort us, some reinforced by suggestion under hypnosis. Holding our wrists tightly is calming, relaxing. Touching my nose is to bring out Stephanie, touching my left ear is a signal for Cherish. Tapping on my chest will drop me unconscious. Holding a hand on my chest will help me wake up. As a system, we've proved responsive to touch commands over audible or visual cues.
After the shower, Boss left Stephanie in the room for a while by herself. He told her to stay out and wait for him. For a long time, she just sat in one place on the bed. But when she started looking around the room, we urged her to investigate. She doesn't have any sense of the things in our room belonging to her. She touched some beads on the shelves, and then started touching the books. She doesn't appear to have any recognition of what books are. But she did enjoy running her hand (the right one) along the spines of the books, back and forth. I'm also curious about how she would react to stories on paper.
Another thing I noticed in the shower was that she was checking out our hands and arms, feeling distinctly detached from them because the skin isn't brown enough for what she expects. Not long ago, we did some searching through pictures to find someone that she feels she looks like. She got the best feeling from this picture here (-->) of a biracial teen.
Oh, and when she was washing Boss's hair, she had a sort of a flashback to several slaves washing each other's hair. She was much shorter, so I would assume younger, than the others, and the soap burned her eyes and nose. It was lye soap, being used to wash the bugs out of their hair, or else it had to be cut off. Apparently, Stephanie's hair had already been cut off, but she was helping to wash other people.
She was out yesterday. It started with a shower, of course. We were taking a shower with Boss, and then next thing I knew we had switched. I knew it when I realized she was holding on to our left arm. I'm not sure when he realized it. But he had her wash him, and tried talking to her a bit.
I think she probably can talk, with some difficulty. It feels like the inside of her mouth is too big for the outside. I think maybe she has a speech impediment or a deformity of the mouth, or maybe an injury to her jaw at some point. I know she can make noise, and she can talk with Cherish helping her. But she 'knows' that if she tries to talk, the words won't come, and ugly noises will come out. She kept thinking "I'm not dumb." But in her origin time, dumb also meant mute, so I'm not sure which she meant - or both.
I've asked Boss to help teach her some sign language. Even if it's just pidgin sign-language that only works inside the family. We have some that we use. We have signs for when we play for safewords - 'red', 'yellow', and 'green' - and we use signs for 'water', 'coke', 'lie down'. I'd like her to learn 'master', 'bathroom','hurt', and something to indicate a safety concern, at the very least. I'd also like to see him use signs or touches to talk to her - 'come here', 'stay there', 'undress', 'pay attention', commands for her to understand. I feel like she could communicate better with hands than voice. Sound just doesn't 'click' well for her.
Touch, however, does work well - for all of us. Boss uses touchpoints to help us switch or to comfort us, some reinforced by suggestion under hypnosis. Holding our wrists tightly is calming, relaxing. Touching my nose is to bring out Stephanie, touching my left ear is a signal for Cherish. Tapping on my chest will drop me unconscious. Holding a hand on my chest will help me wake up. As a system, we've proved responsive to touch commands over audible or visual cues.
After the shower, Boss left Stephanie in the room for a while by herself. He told her to stay out and wait for him. For a long time, she just sat in one place on the bed. But when she started looking around the room, we urged her to investigate. She doesn't have any sense of the things in our room belonging to her. She touched some beads on the shelves, and then started touching the books. She doesn't appear to have any recognition of what books are. But she did enjoy running her hand (the right one) along the spines of the books, back and forth. I'm also curious about how she would react to stories on paper.
Oh, and when she was washing Boss's hair, she had a sort of a flashback to several slaves washing each other's hair. She was much shorter, so I would assume younger, than the others, and the soap burned her eyes and nose. It was lye soap, being used to wash the bugs out of their hair, or else it had to be cut off. Apparently, Stephanie's hair had already been cut off, but she was helping to wash other people.
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