Again, reading blogs. This time about how depression affects behavior. And how to see when someone's depressed. I thought I'd write on it myself.
Most people know me as a generally happy person. I don't let too many things worry me. I take on projects I can complete and revel in the small victories. I pursue socializing with my friends passionately, and indulge myself being with them. I like who I am. I have enough knowledge of myselves that we like each other most of the time and get along well. And I purposely maintain that happy, competent, social, positive self-image. But it's not always a success. I periodically have a period of depression that I nourish and cater to as fully as the positive end of my psyche.
I can generally tell when I'm threatening to enter a depression. I'll start feeling a weight on me for days, or even weeks, slowing me down. The world seems visibly darker. Usually there's a money crunch involved, and maybe overscheduling myself, which means not getting enough sleep. And often there's some key thing that I've gotten so far behind on that I don't know how I'll ever catch up - something I feel like I'm about to fail at. Not something I already have failed at; once the failure is made, it's past worrying about; it's the impending failure that sets me off. Or big changes coming up that I can't control or plan for - the fear of the unknown. And of course, I find that being around someone who is depressed will eventually drag me down to join them, too.
When the depression's in an early state, I'll have the sense of mentally dragging my feet all the time. And it will show in the way I walk; I'll drag my feet in reality, as well. I just... slow down. And I recognize that I'm slowing, but just don't care. At this state I'm desperate for someone to notice, but don't care enough to ask someone to do so.
The next state I'll reach is an irritable one. The smallest thing makes me want to strangle someone. My dog is particularly good at setting me off. Anything out of place in my house just infuriates me. To the point of throwing stuff away that wasn't put up - and maybe throwing it against a wall first. I can recognize that my reactions are too extreme for the offense, and yet can't stop myself from reacting that way. I may get teary-eyed from anger occasionally. This is the state where I just itch for a good fight, provoked or not. I feel panicky, like I have to do something before the next stage hits, and hurry!
And then I get completely depressed. I'll come home and find myself moping around staring at nothing, completely ignoring people and even avoiding them entirely. I'll lock myself in my room in the dark. And I'll take naps. I never take naps unless I'm sick or depressed. Naps are a Really Bad Sign. And I'll cry. I also don't cry often, unless I'm ticked off. I won't pay bills, I won't go out if I can avoid it, and I won't call a friend to make me feel better. I'll do the minimum I have to get done to be able to go back and curl up in my bed all alone and safe and quiet and dark.
So. Worry, followed by Irritability, ending in Depression. And in the Worry stage, I know what path I'm on; it's not like it's unfamiliar. I don't always go all the way down the path, of course. Sometimes I manage to derail it. In the Worry stage, sometimes I can get a handle on the problem that's eating at me and fix it. Get that bill paid, the car fixed, the project completed. Get some more sleep. This is when I'll get frantically - manically - overly social and hedonistic. Lots of sex, lots of happy silly play, gotta go and do and feel and remind myself how good it feels to feel. And sometimes that's enough to kick me out of that downward path. Fix the problem, indulge myself, feel better.
If, despite my efforts, the depression doesn't lift, I give up on trying to 'happy it away'. I tried everything, and nothing worked. That's when I get irritable. I snap at people who don't deserve it, which makes me feel guilty, and upsets me further. I can't do anything right, so I get very obsessive about doing the things I can right. This is when I might reorganize a huge section of my house, put everything in exactly its place. I don't want to be around people; they irritate me. But if I arrange these... books, or whatever... in just the right way, they'll stay put; they won't irritate me. Until someone moves them (an outside someone or an inside someone). Then I'm furious. I finally got something to work right and now it's ruined. Sometimes the projects and fixing and organizing will be enough to satisfy me, get me out of my funk. Sometimes I'll snap one too many times at people, and I'll get that fight I'm picking. This is when the S&M play, a really hard scene that leaves me bruised and broken and crying and worn completely out, can 'fix' me. Or I'll encourage some controlled self-injury, like light cutting. I've learned to associate physical pain with emotional healing. Yes, I realize this is backward to most people and will be alarming to some - but it does work for me. If my body is hurting enough, maybe my psyche won't be.
And then if that doesn't work, I give up on everything. I'll sit and mope and know that I'm depressed and turn away from anything that might help me feel better. I don't want help from anyone else because I'm not worth helping. And the fact that no one is trying to help me just proves that no one cares. The fact that I just spent the last stage snapping at them for any little thing tends to make this a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of thing. And it's too late to derail it; I have to go through it. At this point, I really can't take care of myself. I need an outside person to come in and take care of me. And I need them to be tough on me, boss me around into doing things, not just soft and gentle and indulgent - though I need that, too. A 'Snap to it!' drill sergeant as much as an 'I know, honey' parental hand-holding. And I'm no fun to be around at that point, I know. So the people who have taken me in hand at that point mean a lot to me.
When I finally break free of the depression path, at whatever state, I don't climb back up the way I went down. I usually feel refreshed and ready to take everything on again - as soon as I catch up on sleep. My rebound is great, if you can put up with getting me to it. And, because I've been away from everyone in the last two stages, now I have a need to catch up on all my socialization. I'll want to cuddle and touch and feel loving and pleasant with everyone. Especially if I need to make amends for being harsh to them in the middle state.
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