Temper Tantrums [Me]

a bit train-of-thought...

Kiara's having a temper tantrum - the first I remember us going through, actually. She's locked in her room playing the same damn song over and over again.I don't even like the song. And yells at everyone to go away. I know what led up to this behavior, but I don't understand it. And it means I'm stuck out front all by myself again. Lynn's trying to talk her into opening the door. Rubi's encouraging this kind of behavior - "If the kid wants to be mad and kick around on her own yelling, let her. Don't mess with what she needs to do." Weird to hear Rubi on Kiara's side. Cherish isn't coming out; if Master wants her out he'll ask for her and until then there's no reason for her to be out. Sam got a lot of play and is pleased with herself and off alone doing something. Jarett isn't sure what to do with all these emotional females, so he's staying out of the way. At least Silent One isn't out... This feels kind of like the kind of depression that leads to Rubi cutting and Silent One out, but I'm not depressed. Just unbalanced. And we don't have the time to deal with it; there's a party at my house tonight and I've gotta play hostess like everything is okay. Maybe the party will draw Kiara out of her room. And the thing is, it's not a depression - a good thing started it all out. May be more than I can explain here.

BACKGROUND - we have a roommate, MK. At one point we were sleeping together; I think everyone assumes we still are. But no - he's in a place mentally where he doesn't want that. It didn't stop badly; just loss of interest led to him getting a bed upstairs and starting to sleep there. And I sleep at the boyfriend's most of the time anyway. Sometimes he's in a mood for cuddling; other times he's very touch-me-not. And lately he's been very touch-me-not. And we're very tactile - we want to touch people we like, but haven't been able to pet on him for a while. We crave touching him; we feel disconnected from him. And his schedule and mine are at odds, so we don't get to see each other hardly ever, and when we do I'm mostly-asleep in bed and he's just coming home from work and wants to chit-chat and I can't even stay awake to listen to him. Anyway, so our friendship is strained by outside influences, but he's really really important to us and we care an awful lot about him.

Last night we got to play with both MK and the boyfriend at the same time, at the BDSM club. It was fantastic and made us very happy. Me and Sam and Rubi all got to play a lot, and got all fuzzy and happy and laughed a lot. After, we got to cuddle both men at the same time and it was really great. Kiara usually comes out when we're at this point after play; she's very good at the happy cuddly times. But when she came out this time and found herself petting on and cuddling up to MK, the emotions all welled up. There was a sense of relief - oh good we're okay enough to be playing, and a sense of indulgence - pet him all you can now before you can't anymore, and a caution - don't get too frisky or he'll draw back again, and a sense of unfairness - why can't we cuddle him all the time? - and sadness - pretty soon we'll be back to not touching. The emotions got to be too much, and she bolted for the bathroom, where she sat on the floor in the dark and sobbed until someone else could come out.

I don't think this was a negative experience, though, just overwhelming. Kiara is obviously where our 'love' lives at. She loves fully and without reserve, so the kind of reserve we have to have with MK to not make him uncomfortable is too restrictive for her, and confusing. Several of us love and/or are in love with our boyfriend, but none loves him purely and fiercely as Kiara does. So it makes sense that she loves MK more intensely than anyone else, and yet she's six years old; too young to understand the boundaries on that relationship. Too young to carry the confusion and wistful feelings and denial. So she's upset, and I can hear her playing loud music and yelling and crying in the back rooms of my psyche.

I could lock everything down and put myself in a mode where I'm not hurting and can function well - and I'll have to do that later on when we need to be with people. But for now I think I need to let some of those emotions play out - here where I'm writing, in the tears on my face right now. I don't like this, but I guess it's necessary. I'm going to post this because I need to have it. Once I'm more clear-headed I may delete it; I don't know.

Update, 24-hours later... - Kiara came back out after the party that night and got some time reading books with someone, and some time cuddled up to MK a little bit. And it seems like she's okay now, though still a little sad. She understands that's she's too young to understand. But we're not hurting like we were. I think I will leave this post up, for better or worse.