Self-Harm. Why? [Me, Lynn]

Candycan wrote an excellent post on How and Why Self Harm? You see, self-harming isn't restricted to just cutting and other overt damage done to oneself. Neglecting one's own care, avoiding simple personal hygiene, poor eating habits, denying oneself simple joys, and isolating from social opportunities can all be considered self-harm, as she points out. But usually, self-harm refers to cutting or other injury-based activities. We have also been know to do some cutting. Most often, we use a scalpel, and allow Rubi to cut a decorative pattern into our thighs. The pain from the cutting, the sight of blood, and the freedom to act all release the tension she holds for us. And of course, frequent S&M play as a heavy bottom could certainly be considered deliberate self-harm.

But then Candycan speaks about the different ways self-harm - mostly cutting - serves as a reward. And these are the points which I wish to echo and comment upon.

1. To Feel Something/Anything - Unpleasant feelings tend to build up into a sense of numbness. Blocking out the 'bad' feelings means also blocking out the 'good' feelings. And feeling nothing creates an extra detachment from everything that is neither healthy nor pleasant. Receiving pain by cutting or S&M play forces us to feel something. It overwhelms the numbness and opens up those feelings again.

2. To Stop Feeling Something - When emotions well up and threaten to become overwhelming, despair or depression become a general unpleasant hurt that I focus on obsessively. Cutting becomes a specific hurt that forces me to release that focus on the general despair. It's a distraction from the emotional pain that is simple and clean to process. And along the way, some of the emotional pain gets processed as well, cleaning the slate.

3. Punishment - Candycan brings up the issue of pain as punishment several times, but this is not a drive for us, to my knowledge.

4. Visual Reminder - The cutting and play leave scars and bruises to remind us of the self-harm without having to feel that pain again first-hand. It's a record of the pain we processed. And it's a reminder that Rubi is there, waiting to deal with things her way, should I need her. She is Real, and by extension, so is everyone else in there.

5. Sensation Reminder - For several days, marks from self-harm  remain, itching and aching. Touching them, feeling clothes rub against them, scratching at them feels good. And reminds me that I can deal with what I am going through.

6. Pleasure - Seeing blood turns Rubi on, makes her warm and ever-so-alive. Many kinds of pain do the same for Sam. The endorphin rush is it's own addiction.

7. Academic Curiosity - There is within us a bit of mad scientist asking, "What happens if...?" And it's not exactly appropriate to experiment with cutting up other subjects; they simply aren't likely to consent. So I become my own guinea pig.

8. Control - I believe this is one of the classic reasons to self-harm. When Life becomes hard to control, as it often does, self-harm becomes a singular venue for controlling one's own world. I can control how many lines I cut, how deep, and whether I encourage the bleeding or stop it. I have control (to an extent - at least Rubi has control) of where the cutting is and what it looks like and whether or not I show it to other people.

9. Control within the System - When I first discovered I was multiple, I was afraid of allowing Rubi to take control; I was scared of what she might do, and worried that I wouldn't be able to 'put her back'. When we allow her out willingly to cut, she is not as likely to force her way out. And when she finishes and cedes control back to others, there is a sense of victory over that concern.

10. Sadomasochism - I think we all have some sadist in us. There is something satisfying about squashing a bug, or seeing someone get hurt. I know that I have a strong sadistic streak in me - it runs through several of us, even though we usually embrace the masochistic role more openly. Self-harm gives me the chance to act upon that sadistic bent, with myself as the target, rather than targeting someone else and risking actually hurting them. It would be much more difficult for me to actually harm myself, because as the target/bottom as well, I have perfect feedback and can gauge closely how much I can take. And that means a rush from pushing that boundary, as well.