Who's That Guy? Part Two [Me]

So yesterday I talked about my boyfriend and the relationship we all have with him. This morning, I was talking to a friend, someone I'm planning to play with, and he asked me, "Is your Dom okay with that?" And I stopped for a moment, because, although to the rest of the kink world, Dom is the appropriate title for him in relation to the system, I realized that I don't actually think of him with that term.

A break here to explain terminology. The kinky folks can skip ahead to the next paragraph. In the BDSM subculture, a dominant is the person who has control over the submissive. It has nothing to do with who might be causing pain to whom - that's a different relationship, though they often overlap. Dominance and submission is a power exchange issue; it's a psychological relationship. In a parent-child or teacher-student relationship, there is no doubt as to which one wields the power and control over what's going on; they are dominant in this situation. When both parties are adults, dominance can be a power-struggle, or it can be a deliberate choice. The submissive can give up their obedience to the person that is dominant to them. We engage in a dominance struggle with people all the time, but are generally unaware of it. In kink, we are very aware of it, and choose which role to take.

When I chose to wear the collar that my boyfriend made for me, I was choosing to submit to him. Yes, in the biblical 'wives submit to your husbands' kind of way. By choosing to be his submissive, I give him a certain amount of authority over me and agree to submit to his decisions and obey his directives. That's what it means to wear someone's collar. Okay, that's what it means to me. Everyone has a slightly different interpretation. And I'm fine with that. I'm more than fine with that - I'm thrilled about it. I look at my collar as being equivalent to an engagement ring - it means almost nothing legally in the real world, but it my heart it symbolizes a bond that means so much. I am his. His girlfriend, his love, and yes, his submissive.

And if I am his submissive, what does that make him to me? Well, obviously, he would be my Dominant. Whose Dominant, you might ask? We wear his earring to symbolize Cherish's slave status to him. But we wear his collar to show that we all belong to him. He's boyfriend, more or less, to each of us, individually. But I think I would have to say he is dominant to us as a system.