I'm feeling incredibly negative this morning. I know it's not really a valid emotion, as in it's based on some very thin emotional responses. But I can feel it bogging me down, and it will take some effort to work through it today.
The major (but not only) starting-point of this is that Boss is sick. And when he's sick, he starts feeling unlovable, and thus unloved. None of us are extremely desirable when we're sick. We're messy and make unpleasant squishy noises and need someone to wait on us, but not require anything of us because we're too sick to do it. We can't concentrate and we're not capable of doing things for ourselves. So then we feel bad about requiring someone else to do for us, and the guilt just makes us feel worse. So then we try to just ignore our needs and not be so hard to take care of. But ignoring our own needs makes us feel like no one cares what our needs our, or that our needs just aren't even important enough to matter. Yeah, and so the pity-party just spirals down upon itself.
Boss is a master of this negative cycle. So he's feeling undesirable to the nth degree. And being all mopey and moist and down on himself, makes him hard to desire right now. Also, in trying to treat him gently in response to his sickness, I'm less demanding of his attention and action. Which translates in his fever-befuddled brain to I don't need him, and even don't want him. Which, of course, is not at all true. I'm just placing my needs and wants on hold until he's well enough to fulfill them.
So last night this cycle took a hard dip. He's in the living room being all moist and I'm on the computer. Sure, I could have been snuggling up with him on the couch, but he was watching something I didn't want to see. I did spend a little while in there letting Paul go through his leather kit and reorganize it. We had planned to work on Boss's leather last night, but Boss wasn't up to even changing shoes and sitting there for us. So it'll have to be another night.
I got done with my computer stuff for the evening, and went to my room to put up laundry and clean up a little. So yes, I left him. I was doing chores. My metamour was in there playing on the computer too, though, so it's not as if he was totally alone. When I got done with chores, I laid down on the bed to read for a while. Eventually, Boss came wandering in, and he cuddled up on me and started petting on me. It was very nice. So nice that I fell sort of asleep (okay, he may have caused that to happen on purpose). So I'm there drifting away and realize that he's whispering something at me (not really to me, as I'm out of it). Now, in that state, I do mumble to myself, and apparently I mumbled something that sounded like something that upset him, because the next thing I know, he's angry and wanting me to repeat and explain myself. I don't know what the heck he's talking about - I wasn't even awake - and then he takes off on a tangent about how I need to act like I desire him and I'm supposed to be seducing him.
I was, of course, confused and upset. And he was confused and upset. I wrote it off to him being sick and me being asleep and did my best to just go back to sleep, because he wasn't interested in talking reasonably, and I wasn't awake enough to do so. I went back to sleep. At some point during the night, I think there was an attempt on his part to snuggle and initiate sex, but I'm not sure what happened, because the next thing I'm aware of, he's flopping over with his back to me like I've offended him.
I don't know what's going on, exactly. I blame the sick and hope he gets better quickly. But I think he and Gracelyn need to have a talk. Or we need to have a fight. Or something.
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