We Are A Rose Garden [Me]

On a forum about kinky multiples, I came across this bit of writing:

"Many people view DID as a vase that is shattered by trauma, one personality is broken into many shards and should be put back together to make a "whole person" again. Yet, it is far more like a rose bush that is hacked apart and each part starts growing independently of the others, developing their own root systems and preferences, being cut from the same bush, but ultimately not able to be just unified again as singular pieces. They are all parts of the original, but they have grown to be more."

The concept came from the book Set This House In Order by Matt Ruff. And I love this. Yes, at some unknown point in the past, 'we' were simply 'I', but then I got split into a number of pieces. Some of those pieces, like 'Mommy of a new baby' and 'wife' died off when they stopped being fed. Some of them, like 'Silent One' and its catatonia, went dormant for several years. Others took root and began growing on their own.

By the time I recognized my multiple nature a couple of years ago, we had several distinct rose bushes. Some planted close together, like Sam and Rubi, others that took root a bit further away, like Jarett or Kiara. Since that time, Jarett has gone dormant, but other bushes have been grown from a cutting of an old one - like Paul coming out of Cherish. And Grace and Lynn's bushes were so close together that they became indistinguishable from one another.

Although each of my alters came from the original 'I', and thus share some similarity in their 'bush', each one is different, pruned by their own experiences and thoughts into a different shape, just as a rose bush can be pruned by a gardener to be different, or be shaped by the quality of the soil it is in or the amount of nutrients and water it receives.

Two Holes [Me]

The earring is gone. Yesterday it got worse and worse, until Cherish was having to actively block the pain from it. On the drive to pick up the Boss from work, we all talked about it. Everyone had their reasons for just letting it go. We couldn't sleep on it; we couldn't wear headphones; we risked it getting hit during play; the health consequences of repeated infections there. So we voted. Six votes to remove it. One vote to try it a while longer. And you'd think that vote would be Cherish, but I think she was tired of damping the pain. It was Paul. I still haven't learned his reason, but I suspect it has something to do with knowing it had been important to Cherish. So when we got home last night, Boss asked Cherish out and removed the earring, then had her clean the hole. And then he paid her a lot of attention for a while.

This morning we woke up more refreshed, because we hadn't woke ourselves up every time we turned our head. I feel better. I expected to feel some sadness, mostly from Cherish. But I think she said 'goodbye' to the earring as a mark of her Master's ownership when we removed the ring that was in there first. This bar wasn't hers in the way that one was. So it's just a sense of relief.

I once had three holes in one ear lobe and two in the other. And for nine months I had one in the top of my left ear. And now I have the standard two holes. I'm okay with that.

A Collection of Thoughts [Me]

I don't think the earring is going to make it. The hole's starting to feel and look infected again. And the new earring is too heavy; I can't sleep on that side while wearing it. Even Kiara seems to be wanting it gone - it gets in the way of our morning wake-up cuddling. Cherish is, of course, the main concern. But once the original earring was taken out, she doesn't seem to have the same attachment to the new one. And if it's better for the body for it to be gone...

We had another mash-up this morning. We woke up this morning with me out, but all mixed up with Kiara. And everyone else completely quiet. It wasn't uncomfortable, really, but it was different. Not like Kiara being out and me watching. The same kind of mash-up effect as Cherish had with Silent One last weekend.

Boss has tried renaming Silent One. Instead of SO, he reversed it to OS, and he pronounces it 'Oz'. I suggested NoSSO, for Not So Silent One, would be better. Either way, it doesn't answer to the name, though. It doesn't know why he's making that noise at it. It did pick up a few deliberate noises, though. When it was all mashed up with Cherish, it may have picked up some understanding of language. It made a lip-smacking sound when he said 'kiss', and an 'F' sound for fingers. And he said it very clearly said, "Hi" at one point. I wonder if the language pieces will stick when it's not all mashed up.

This morning, when I was mashed with Kiara, she finally started getting sleepy. And maybe because we were so strongly mixed, I was able to 'see' myself taking her by her hand and leading her back to her room, tucking her in, and getting a nose-kiss goodnight. Then I was able to come back to the front, and my vision cleared about and I was in front all solo. It was very sweet.

We stopped doing our DnD gaming. I'm not doing any role-play gaming now. And it's making me want to write again. Writing/roleplaying is therapy for me. My own self-directed therapy. I'm thinking about looking up my old Star Trek RPG. Or maybe writing some fiction. I might get some friends to co-write with me. I've always enjoyed things I've co-written better.

Sam has started doing a little bedroom role-play with Boss. In the middle of sex or cuddling or whatever, he'll say something to indicate what 'scene' he's feeling like, and Sam's started jumping right in to play that role. She's the most verbal of us during sex, and the most 'out for fun', so it makes sense that she'd jump in for that.

We saw Bear last night. Once a week, we've started going to a trivia night thing that he's doing. And Sam's been the one going to it. She's enjoying hanging with him, and she's got a 'date' to play with him this weekend. She's made no pretense to him of being Me, but he hasn't acknowledged it. He also hasn't shied away from it. He also hasn't, say, asked after Kiara, who won't come out around him at all. Might be interesting for aftercare this weekend.

Well, there's a bunch of collected thoughts for you. They actually are connected to each other, if you know where to look. None quite justifying their own post. But these are things going on with us right now.

Silent Mash-Up [Me]

We are often co-conscious. I'll slide back and forth with Sam, or Sam with Rubi. We can't really say which is most in control, because two of us are. Most of the time, the mix is pretty obvious and predictable. For instance, last Saturday at the club, we were invited to 'top' someone. In the kink world, that means that we were the ones doing. And Rubi's the only one who has a real interest in topping. But Rubi does have a tendency to go too far, so I usually co with her to do the 'responsible caring' part. I make sure we check in on our victi... bottom, and I do the negotiating. That's a co-conscious mix that I'm accustomed to.

After that scene was over, though, we (Me, Sam, and Rubi) played with Boss. And played hard, until he and we were so worn out we couldn't hardly stand up. It was wonderful. But then it got... difficult. The three of us 'big girls' (Kiara's term for Me, Sam, and Rubi) pretty much just passed out. Unfortunately, nobody took back over, so the body was, for all intents and purposes, unconscious. Boss tried to wake me up and call me out, but I was too deeply asleep to answer. Finally, he managed to get Cherish out to take over. Normally, that would be fine, but while we were all 'out', Silent One apparently came partly out. It often does when the body is otherwise unattended, but only at home. The club is NOT a good place for it to manifest.

If anyone should be co-con with Silent One, it should be Rubi, or Me. My last choice for that would be Cherish. It's earthy, raw, primal, violent. She's... none of those things. And both are the least verbal we have, so they can't even tell Boss what's happening. Cherish was able to control walking and direct answers, and hands; just enough to get to the car and sit, then enough to walk to our room. Silent One... feasted on the sights on the way. It was hungry to see what things were, especially since it had never been outside before. Neon lights flashed, cars and people moving, and it had no context to know what everything was.

But Cherish held a sort of mental cage around it enough to get home. Until we got out of the car and started walking through wet grass. Grass is something Silent One knows. It has looked out the window wanting to get into the grass - again, it was wet that night; I don't know if that's relevant. But we nearly dropped down to play in it, taste it, roll in it. Cherish thought quickly and covered our eyes with one hand, and that held everything long enough for Boss to get us inside. He's said since then that he had hoped Silent One would never actually get outside, and I agree. But it's done; we'll see what kind of ramifications roll off of this event.

Wig Shopping [Me]

Now, you must understand, first, that I am purposely bald. We get Boss to shave our head every week or two. I love having super-short hair - just enough fuzz to give some color. It's simple and easy and I like the queer butchy look it gives me. It also means that, should I want some hair, I can wear a wig. A few months ago, we bought a wig, a short, stand-up for attention bush of dark and red unruly uneven bits that suits Sam or Rubi really well. We don't wear it often, but we really should, if nothing else than just to get used to wearing it.

So Kiara's been wanting a wig for her, also. She wants pigtails with ribbons, and bangs. And last night we went out shopping and bought a wig with bangs that we can tie up in pigtails. It's in the same dark color of our natural hair, and she's pretty excited about wearing it tonight. Tonight we're having a 'Punky Brewster' party at our club - all bright colors and 80's music. We're going to be an eyeful of neon and hyper kid.

While we were there, we also tried on a wig that 'feels' like Cherish to us. Unfortunately, it looked horrible with my coloring, as she is petite and has long blond hair, rather than heavy with dark hair like me. But it felt very good to her to try it on and see our face with her hair. Maybe we can compromise with a very light brown one sometime?

I would love to have a wig for each alter that wants one, lined up on a shelf of wig heads. Even better, I'd like to get the good wig heads that can be made up, and fix them to actually look more like each of us. Eye color, makeup, and coloring can all be adjusted, at least. My creative daughter could probably help with that. Of course, with wigs running from $30 up to a hundred or more, easily, and the good wig heads running about the same price, that's going to just be a dream project for a while. But someday, maybe.

Rubi wants henna-red dreadlocks, or at least tight kinky curls. Paul wants a mohawk, with green on the tips. I just want to be comfortable, so the bald look works great for me. And Gracelyn should have a librarian's bun pulled back at the base of our neck.

Earring Replacement [Me]

On January 1st of this year, Boss pierced my left ear and put in a captive slave bead earring to show his ownership of Cherish. He also offered the rest of us a braided collar as our dominant, but the earring was specifically hers as his slave.

Unfortunately, we've had problems with the earring on and off since the piercing. There's a spot above the hole that keeps getting infected, and the bead has come off and rolled away a couple of times. We were afraid to take the ring out for a thorough cleaning because we weren't sure it would go back in. And it has been terrible to try to sleep in.


So last week I ordered a new earring, a post made of niobium, hoping the change in material and shape might help. And yesterday the new earring arrived. Just in time, too, as the infected place flared up again and the bead came off again - both yesterday. When we got home last night, we removed the old earring, cleaned everything up, and inserted the new post, along with a very generous dollop of Neosporin all over it. We couldn't use Neosporin when the old one was inserted because the hole was raw and we needed it to heal with the scar material as a hole, and not close up.

Here is a picture of the new post after we got it in. So far, no swelling. It is noticeably heavier, and I haven't tried sleeping on it yet. Careful propping of pillows kept me on my right side all night. Tonight we'll see what happens when I try the other side.

After we inserted the new earring last night, Boss brought Cherish out. She felt very sad to me, almost solemn. Every time the old earring got messy, she had some panic that he would decide they had to remove it - and with it, perhaps, her sense of being claimed by him? I had hoped that by simply replacing the earring, everything would be fine, but I'm sure that was part of why she was so quiet and unhappy.

I realize, now, that I did her a terrible disservice by taking care of the earring issue, then letting her out, rather than having Boss talk to her first and let her participate in the changeover. It wasn't my earring to change, and I shouldn't have messed with it. And I don't know how to make apologies to her for that.

Cherish hasn't been out very much lately. She won't push herself out unless Boss is having a pretty hard time and needs her to comfort and stabilize him. Otherwise, she patiently awaits being called out, just as she waits to be dismissed to go back in. And she just hasn't been called out very often. Boss has been trying to figure out just what to do with her. She doesn't do cleaning and household projects very well; Gracelyn has taken on those jobs. If Cherish begins them, she fades back out as soon as Boss is out of the room. And while she is working on them, she feels terrified that she doesn't know how to do them correctly. I think what she needs is someone standing over her dictating her every move - which also terrifies her, but in the right way. But Boss doesn't have the time or energy to do that, and he's just not a micro-manager. But we have to find some function for her to fulfill within the function of being his slave. She needs to feel needed.