Still Unsettled [Me]

I got to listen in on Gracelyn and Boss discussing everything on the ride in this morning. They do, often. It's like I have two therapists comparing notes about my treatment, only I get to eavesdrop on the meeting. All my life, riding in the car has been the best time to have a discussion with someone else. You're both going to be physically present the entire time, and because you're both facing forward, eye contact isn't going to be constant. And some things are easier to say when you aren't making eye contact.

They talked about this weekend. Turns out there was a big fight between him and the metamour on Saturday night before he and I went to the club that I didn't know about. I knew there was tension, but not that it had erupted. Which makes his crash on Saturday night make even more sense. On one hand, he probably shouldn't have gone to the club at all; on the other hand, staying home would have been worse.

They also talked about individual alters. Gracelyn herself, which is unusual. But she hasn't been coming out much lately. His clue to that is that she hasn't been keeping the dishes done each night. That's her thing, that and driving in to work in the morning. Which she's also been letting slide for me to do. He's done dishes and not said a thing, which is pretty awesome of him, actually, since I know he hates doing dishes even more than I do.

Oddly enough, Kiara's been doing the dishes as often as anyone else. And she's been out cleaning our room and straightening up. It's pretty cool that she's doing some housework, but really it's not housework so much as OCD-work. She's always been soothed by organizing and putting things in order. One time when she was upset I got out a bunch of quarters and let her stack and sort them into piles, and that really helped her. So she's doing organizing to soothe herself. What worries Gracelyn and Boss is that she's doing a lot of solo stuff. Kiara's a social creature; she lives to engage with other people. And now she's avoiding doing just that. Boss feels that she's even pulling away from him a lot. And we know that the problem is that she's still grieving over Bear. And as you might expect, since she's had one of her Daddy-figures pulled away from her unexpectedly, she's pulling away from her other Daddy-figure, afraid that she'll lose him too. I don't know what to do for her. Gracelyn has suggested that perhaps getting her time with someone other than Boss, someone she cares about, might reassure her that there are more of 'her' people out there. I don't know; and there's only a few people that I can let go and trust to be good with her.

And when one kid gets messed up, the other does too, apparently. Paul came out last night, and he was eight, and he's been 'reset' somehow. He's always had access to memories of other members of the system, like reviewing the video tapes. But watching a video and being present aren't the same. So he had his memories, and the videos of ours. Suddenly, all of his memories have transferred over to video files, he doesn't have any active memories of his own. So last night it was like he was out for the first time. He knew Boss, but didn't have the emotional connection to him. He knew where everything in our room is, but didn't connect with it as his room. And he was terrified that Boss was going to want from him the same closeness they've had before - and he wasn't ready for that. However, Boss just reassured him that he was safe and could relax, and eventually he did. I woke up a few times with him still out, and then Kiara was dreaming - about doughnuts, of all things. And this morning, the sun is brighter, and things are okay.

Weekend Blues [Me]

This weekend was pretty icky. Stress in the household seems to be contagious from one system to another. My metamour has been needing some major dental work for a long time now, and finally got it done recently. Well, because of that she's been on heavy antibiotics, which make her feel horrible. Worse, they mute the effect of her anti-seizure meds. And then added to that are some pretty strong pain meds for after the dental work. So she's drugged, feeling sick, recovering from surgery, and having seizures. Then her father died. So now she's depressed on top of all of that. Which means, yeah, she's having a horrible time of it lately. I feel so bad for her, and there's absolutely zilch I can do to make her feel better. I've basically tried to stay out of her way and not cause her extra stress. Oh, and I brought her cupcakes and doughnuts. Soft foods that she loves.

So she's feeling terrible, and Boss is really sensitive to picking up emotions and soaking them up like a sponge. Which is great when folks around him are doing well - he gets an instant pick-me-up for free! And it means he is very sensitive to recognize when something is wrong and try to help fix it. But when it's not fixable, it just weighs on him, heavier and heavier. There's also work stress, of course, but mostly he's worried about her and feels helpless to do anything. Which really tarnishes his White Knight helmet. So he's crabby and mopey. And since he's trying so hard not to be crabby and mopey with her, some of it leaks out with me. So he's been pretty authoritarian and a bit snappish. I understand why he is, and I try to let it wash over, but I still get some hurt feelings over it.

Which means now I'm all grouchy and pouty. And the three of us are there together trying not to offend one another and still get our needs met without interfering with anyone else. It's tough. And it's no one's fault; we just have to get through this time. I'm trying not to be needy and demanding of Boss's attention, because he's worn out trying to attend to the Metamour. She's just trying to get through the day without losing it, and he's trying to take care of both of us and his work. Yes, our apartment is now carpeted with metaphysical eggshells.

So, this weekend. Friday night there was a private party at the club, and I decided not to go. So I was pretty much at home. Now, I'm not a stay-at-home kind of person. Too much time at home and I get antsy. Especially when it's dark and we have to be quiet, because we're trying to let the Metamour sleep as much as possible to get through the drugs and healing. And the animals have picked up on the stress and are acting out, so it's kind of not smelling so good lately - and that means my allergies are making me crabby too. So I'm home on Friday, and it's fine. Saturday, I somehow didn't make any plans, so we slept in.

I got 'done' sleeping long before Boss did, and got on the computer. Kiara ended up watching Glee, a show that she just loves. However, this was the big break-up episode, which ends with all the relationships on the rocks and everyone unhappy. Kiara still hasn't really processed the whole breaking-up with Bear thing. So she got all uneasy and sad, so she went and woke up her Issi to make her feel better. She ended up nestled in his arms, just crying softly. And he didn't have the energy to deal with that at the time, so it never really felt 'done'. Okay, no biggie, we'll deal with it. Someone else came out at some point, and we got up.

And then a friend got invited over for dinner. Boss wanted to cook dinner and clean up a bit - perfectly reasonable. But he didn't ask, he snapped orders about the cleaning up, and when we asked him for clarification, he bit off a 'because I'm the boss' kind of response instead of letting there be a discussion. So our feelings were hurt, and then he was upset because we were upset, and you know how that wheel turns, right? Everybody's upset and doesn't want to be, and there's no time to deal with it, so it waits.

But, it was Saturday night - time for the club! Now, I tend to count on going to the club and getting a good beating on one of the weekend nights each week, and I really need that regular stress relief. But this week, I had something planned that was going to push that till later; I was teaching a new person some of the basics. I recruited Boss to help me, and we actually had a really good teaching session. But as soon as it was over, he crashed. Crashed hard; like I wasn't sure I was going to be able to get him to the car and home. I went into full caretaker mode, and his mental merry-go-round spun pretty freely as I whisked him off home and to bed. Crisis handled. But no beating for me this weekend.

Sunday we still didn't have plans. And I'd been home for too long at this point. Between stress and needing a beating and arguments left unsettled and Kiara being upset and the apartment being dark & smelly... well, I was becoming a mess. I knew if I stayed at home all day, I was going to get really needy and demanding on the Boss's energy - energy he didn't have. So I exited. The truck needed cleaned out, so I headed out for the car wash. I was really fuzzy, and probably shouldn't have been driving, I'll admit in retrospect. And three of four hours later, I made it back home. I know what I did - I did the car wash thing, and a trip to Kmart, and ate lunch. Lunch helped a lot; I started clearing up after I ate. But I got fuzzy again by the time I got home.

When I got there, the screen was open, there were lights on, and cleaning was in progress. We set up fans to blow some fresh air through the house, and it was much more pleasant. After a while, I retreated to the bathtub for the evening, and then later asked to be tied up somewhat while I read in bed. Being tied up tends to center me and calm me down; I was hoping it would help. If not, my next resort was some cutting - Rubi has some new razors that she's looking forward to using. But I just didn't feel like having to deal with that. Luckily, the rope helped. When I woke up this morning, things are better. I'm back to my regular during-the-week schedule, and I'm planning on some play this weekend. I just have to get that far down the calendar.

Now the good thing is that, with the weekend being kind of stressful and unpleasant and fuzzy, I really can just barely remember as much as I've written here. Sometimes losing time is a good thing. The bad thing that goes with that is that I basically get two work-weeks in a row. Ugh. Looking forward to this weekend.

Writings by MultiMe [Me]

Okay, I took an old blog with some of my writings on it, and added some other stuff I've written. As I write more, I'll put them on there - Writings by MultiMe. Most of it's erotica. I'm probably going to put some taboo stuff on there at some point, so don't read it unless you are prepared for it.

Thinking About Writing [Me]

I don't seem to want to blog. It's not because there's nothing to talk about; there is. In part, I'm tired and not sure I can trust my writing to come out sounding like I mean it to. Also, sometimes when there are big things going on I put off blogging to avoid dealing with it. When I put it in writing, it's suddenly too real. But I don't think that's happening this time either. I just think, "Blog? Eh, maybe after some Pinterest..." And I never get back around to it. I'm being lazy about my writing.

Which is odd, because I've been thinking a lot about my writing lately (see, now I'm going again). I've written another erotic short, and I like the way it turned out. And I've got a few more in my head I'm thinking about working on, getting into some written form. But some of those might be a bit taboo, with characters underage (influenced by Paul's stuff), so I can't even post them on Fetlife. Or just might not want to.

-Hey readers, should I start another blog with my erotic pieces on it? Would you read it, too?-

And I'm about to start off another Star Trek writing game/simulation. While doing all this thinking about writing, I tapped on the Facebook Inbox of one of my ship-mates from before when I wrote Star Trek stuff. He and I did some really great co-writing, so I asked if he was doing any simming these days. And he was just starting to consider running another independent simulation, so he invited me to be his XO again. I dragged my feet for a week or so, getting around to looking the character back up and re-reading the stuff I wrote for her before, but now I'm getting excited about it, and looking forward to getting started on that writing. When I wrote Star Trek stuff before, it really served as a kind of therapy for me - I already wrote about that here. Maybe this time it will, as well.

So I've got a short list of some blogs I want to write - sometime - and there's plenty of current events to catch up on. Maybe this post will get me started.

Paul's Adventures [Me]

I asked Paul if he wants to write this post, since it's about him, but he declined. He's been getting stronger and stronger. I would say he's as fully-formed a person as Kiara is, at this point. He's a great boy. He's been learning to bootblack recently, and shows some promise of skill. He's created his own Fetlife account and starting to make his own friendships. He's voiced his opinion separate from the rest of us, and is beginning to have a 'voice' - a way his writing sounds and feels - that is unique to him. He's devoted to Boss as his lover and father figure both. But he's also learning to flirt and interact with other men, too.

We have one particular friend that he is becoming pretty fast friends with. This is the young man who is teaching him to bootblack. He's encouraged Paul to express himself as a boy, and they've talked a lot about things as simple and exciting as wearing a packer, or at least boys' underwear. Luckily, Boss is fond of the young man as well, so it looks like that set of relationships will flow well as it grows. I'm very excited to see where it goes.

Paul has started to really investigate where he is as a sexual person, as well, more in a solo sense than as a partner. He's quite visual, and much more interested in watching porn than we girls are. He does feel a phantom penis very strongly, and can masturbate it nearly as well as if it was corporeal. We've also experimented with a few different ways to overlap something real - a dildo or a strapon or something - with his phantom penis. All with a measure of success. I'm looking forward to purchasing a Reeldoe or something similar to see how that works for him (and if it doesn't, Sam wants to try it). We just bought a jockstrap for him to wear, and he was pretty pleased with that.

He's also getting very adept at sliding ages from eight to eleven to fourteen. At eight, he's more likely to be interested in playing with Legos or with the dog, and treats Boss as much more of a father figure. At fourteen he's much more sure of himself, and Boss is someone to be flirted with. There seems to be a barrier of some sort to get to seventeen, or to get younger, to five or even two. And it takes a lot of energy and purpose to cross the line.

We have crossed the line sometimes, however, usually toward the younger age. He's willing to do so, but it does make him pretty uneasy. When he's younger, he doesn't have much control over it, and really has trouble aging back up again. But I remember he had a lot of trouble switching out when he first showed up, so maybe it will get easier with practice. When he's five or two, we've taken to calling him 'Baby Paul' - more like Baby Paul is an alter within Paul - I think each of his ages could qualify as alters in a subsystem, really. Baby Paul isn't very verbal, especially at two. He's very solemn, and sucks his thumb (but not the same way Kiara sucks it, I've noticed). He can't really feel below my knees - after all, he has short little-boy legs. And he waits quietly for an ice cream when everything is finished.

When he's out, or has just been out, we also have visual memories that are very specific. We can see a large four-poster bed with shelves on the headboard and a light, of a very dark color wood. The matching dresser sits where my dresser does - a pretty massive thing. My bookshelves don't fit in this visual - there are no books in Baby Paul's world. The carpet is a dark brown, matted in places with what looks to me like animal stains. There are shoe boxes under the bed. Now, none of these things are true in my/our real world. I don't know where the memories are from. But they are very strong.

Stephanie - Temporary [Me]

See that delay? That's me having too much to write about and not sure what to do with it. Hey, this next bit is a little on the dark side, might justify a trigger warning.

Did you know that we could have a temporary alter? Neither did we, until one showed up. There's this girl... her purpose seems to be being afraid of Boss when we play. She can't be disobedient, and she doesn't enjoy playing, but she needs it. She's said that she is temporary, not part of the rest of the system. She didn't even have a name. Boss named her September (which I like), then changed it to Stephanie (which I don't). I don't know why we don't like the name Stephanie, but she seems relieved that it's a name we don't like. I can see her in my mind. She's young, maybe mid to late teens? Has stringy dark hair and brown eyes with huge bags under them - or is that a black eye? She's got cuts and bruises all over her of various ages - I can't tell if any are self-inflicted, but she stands in that pose that screams 'abused', one arm awkwardly holding the other elbow as that hand dangles, feet bare and akimbo, hunched over waiting for that next blow. Flinching from it before it happens.

Her arrival has brought up the subject of fear, and love. You can't have both in the same place. I let him - ask him - to do some pretty awful things to me when we play. But I trust him not to harm me, to be more careful of me than I am of myself. He loves me, and would never intentionally do something that he actually thought would be harmful to me.  And that leaves a hole for me, because I understand that, and because of it, I trust him. I know that he'll pull that last bit of his blow, and that means I'm not afraid of it, not really. And sometimes, I need to be afraid. I was afraid - physically afraid - of Bear, because he's just a giant of a man, and though I trusted him, we didn't have that romantic chivalric love between us that would keep me from being afraid of him. My body and my animal mind believed that if he wanted to, he could maim or kill me and nothing I could do about it, even though my rational adult mind says I'm safe enough. With Boss, an earnest 'please' will stop things. I can't be fully afraid of him.

Seems like a good thing, right? Who wants to be afraid of someone you love? Turns out, I do. We do. I occasionally need to be less-than-completely sure that I'll make it through the night okay. We need to cry and beg and get 'No' for an answer. That's what I was getting from Bear. And now I am not. So I think Stephanie has turned up to fill that need. She's not in love with Boss. She's terrified of him. So terrified that she can't be anything but completely obedient to him. Some of that fear-obedience is similar to Cherish's. But whereas Cherish is completely obedient, she also loves Boss with something beyond love. She worships him. And thus, she trusts him. Or rather, she has the attitude that if he wishes to do harm to our body, that's his right, and though she might beg and plead, she would never think that he should stop unless he wants to. If he told her he was going to cut off her leg, she'd cry, but she'd stand still while he tied her down for it. For Stephanie, she'd be too afraid to move while he tied her down for it. Same effect, different meaning.

Gracelyn and Boss seem to think that perhaps Stephanie is here to gain a little strength and then be merged into Cherish. Or she might stick around as long as she's needed and then fade away. In part, I hope it happens quickly. But I also understand why I need her.