I'm going through some rough times right now, and I expect the next few days to continue to be tense. It'll get better after that, but right now it's hard.
Boss and I have both resigned from the Education Committee at the club. It's time for that committee to evolve a bit, and a lot of the reasons why we needed to be on it are no longer there. Boss has been too busy at work to really participate anyway. And I was feeling burnt out when it started - two and a half years ago. So I'm going to drop down to just teaching. It's a positive move, but I'm a little sad about it.
The big change things, though, are related to the moving and breaking up that started last April. MK and I broke up, but he continued living in the upstairs bedroom as a roommate. It's been strained and awkward the whole time. So when Boss and I finally moved into a new place last month, just the two of us, that finally brought us several steps closer to being really actually separate. I never really had any 'closure' or moment of breaking up with MK, and I'm not going to get it. Because we didn't have a big fight - our break up came about because he just stopped talking to me for three weeks because his feelings were hurt. Turns out the cold shoulder just completely freezes me. So three weeks later, when we trapped him before he could run upstairs and avoid us, I asked him, "So are we done, or what?" His response was, "I guess so." Yeah, that was our big closing argument. So no fight, no discussion, no reasons why even, and then his 'working on moving out' dragged on for nine months. We didn't end things, they just got ignored until they withered. The whole things leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
But that's not all. Because he's still living in the place we all rented. He was going to be out the first week of February, then mid-February, then by last weekend. Our lease ends today. Our stuff's out, but when we went this weekend to clean the place before turning it over to the landlord, we found that he had barely started packing, and all of his things were scattered and spread out even more than before we moved. His big plan is to move everything out today after work, and move into his new place tomorrow. I told him directly that I don't believe he will get everything out and get it cleaned by tonight. But what happens if he doesn't? Do I negotiate with the landlord to come in tomorrow after work and clean it? Do we just turn it over as is? Technically, MK should work with the landlord about renting it for an extended period of time. But we all know that won't happen. Boss and I are on the same lease that MK is, that obligates us and ties up getting our security deposit back. I know tonight's going to be awful, and I'm afraid we've been blackmailed into helping him move and then staying up all night cleaning.
I'm so angry at MK for putting me in this position. Angry at him for always failing to communicate with me. Angry at him for ignoring our relationship to death. Angry that he wouldn't go away when it was over. Angry that he still hasn't moved out even with the lease ending. Angry that I'm going to end up having to pick up after him. Angry that I'm not even going to get to say goodbye to someone that I did love and spent several years of my life with. And I'm angry that he's not going to be in my life anymore, as difficult as being even friends with him can be.
Monday, February 29, 2016
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
The body is female, and it's hard to hide it. [Paul]
I got my feelings hurt tonight. Nobody meant to, but it happened.
We went to an event tonight where it was more appropriate for me to be out front than anyone else. Those don't happen much, so I was excited. This morning, I packed clothes for us to change into after work, before the event.
So after work, I got rid of the bra and girl-shirt. I put on a compression teeshirt - no easy feat without help. Then I put on a men's tank top, and our leather vest. It takes some work to pull the compression shirt out enough to adjust all the lumps under it to look right, but I eventually got it okay. I put a do-rag on my head, because the people we were gonna see are used to M having a bald head. I wanted to look noticeably different from her. I wanted to look more masculine, too. Jeans stayed on - they're pretty ungendered, and our shoes are pretty masculine.
I was feeling pretty good about the way I look. I know I'll never really look masculine enough people will look at me and think 'boy', but I felt like I definitely looked ambiguous, where no one would point and say 'girl'.
I had some time to kill, so I went to a couple of shops. The first one was a Mens XL shop - only mens clothing. The clerk came from the back, saying, "Hello, Sir, welcome." That felt good. Then he got a couple steps closer, and said, "I'm sorry. Ma'am." He made a joke about having trouble seeing that far away. I didn't correct him, because, well, the body is, indeed, female. He spotted it. As much as I could do to look male, it only worked from a distance. It hurt my feelings. Not at him, but at my effort.
However, I went to the event, and everyone there that knew us immediately greeted me by my name, not M's. They had no doubt it was me and not her. So I got that much clear.
We went to an event tonight where it was more appropriate for me to be out front than anyone else. Those don't happen much, so I was excited. This morning, I packed clothes for us to change into after work, before the event.
So after work, I got rid of the bra and girl-shirt. I put on a compression teeshirt - no easy feat without help. Then I put on a men's tank top, and our leather vest. It takes some work to pull the compression shirt out enough to adjust all the lumps under it to look right, but I eventually got it okay. I put a do-rag on my head, because the people we were gonna see are used to M having a bald head. I wanted to look noticeably different from her. I wanted to look more masculine, too. Jeans stayed on - they're pretty ungendered, and our shoes are pretty masculine.
I was feeling pretty good about the way I look. I know I'll never really look masculine enough people will look at me and think 'boy', but I felt like I definitely looked ambiguous, where no one would point and say 'girl'.
I had some time to kill, so I went to a couple of shops. The first one was a Mens XL shop - only mens clothing. The clerk came from the back, saying, "Hello, Sir, welcome." That felt good. Then he got a couple steps closer, and said, "I'm sorry. Ma'am." He made a joke about having trouble seeing that far away. I didn't correct him, because, well, the body is, indeed, female. He spotted it. As much as I could do to look male, it only worked from a distance. It hurt my feelings. Not at him, but at my effort.
However, I went to the event, and everyone there that knew us immediately greeted me by my name, not M's. They had no doubt it was me and not her. So I got that much clear.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Mutliplicity of Me hits Facebook [Me]
I've been unhappy for a while with my production of posts on this blog. Also, I've been questioning how I've used it. It's become simply a personal blog, which reveals a lot about my kink and relationships, even my work and parenting experiences. This isn't a bad thing, but it does mean that my blog isn't really about being multiple anymore.
On the other side of the coin, I would like my blog to show experiences of being multiple, but in a way that I don't mind just anybody (read: strangers) reading and getting to know me. I don't give out this blog address to just anybody. I'm wary of my daughter reading it, and No Way does my mother need to read it. But my idea in starting it was to make it more accessible for singletons to realize what being multiple is like.
So where does that leave me? I could gut this blog, but there's a lot of Good Stuff in here. I could start a new blog. That fixes some of the issues, but not all. For instance, I feel the need to write a certain minimum amount here to make it worthwhile. And sometimes, I'd like to just throw out a sentence or two.
So I started a Facebook Page (as opposed to a personal profile). It is at https://www.facebook.com/multiplicityofme. The advantage of using a Page is that anyone can Like or Follow it from Facebook and learn a bit about us there. It's just about being multiple, not the rest of my life. I can just write a quick little update, or link to other multiple-related stuff on there. I can send my Mom to it, or anyone.
But I plan to keep this blog alive, too. Not with the little day-to-day multiplicity stuff, but where I can write bigger things, posts that may be too scary or too personal for Facebook, stuff about being kinky and poly and multi all together - you know, like I've been doing. I won't feel guilty for long breaks here, because I'll be doing smaller stuff on FB. But I can do the bigger things here I don't feel are appropriate there.
And sometimes, I might do the same thing in both places. I've already grabbed a lot of stuff from here and just copy-and-pasted there. I've also made a list of posts here that could be rewritten or something similar written as a post on FB - things that are specifically about being multiple.
So we'll see how it goes.
On the other side of the coin, I would like my blog to show experiences of being multiple, but in a way that I don't mind just anybody (read: strangers) reading and getting to know me. I don't give out this blog address to just anybody. I'm wary of my daughter reading it, and No Way does my mother need to read it. But my idea in starting it was to make it more accessible for singletons to realize what being multiple is like.
So where does that leave me? I could gut this blog, but there's a lot of Good Stuff in here. I could start a new blog. That fixes some of the issues, but not all. For instance, I feel the need to write a certain minimum amount here to make it worthwhile. And sometimes, I'd like to just throw out a sentence or two.
So I started a Facebook Page (as opposed to a personal profile). It is at https://www.facebook.com/multiplicityofme. The advantage of using a Page is that anyone can Like or Follow it from Facebook and learn a bit about us there. It's just about being multiple, not the rest of my life. I can just write a quick little update, or link to other multiple-related stuff on there. I can send my Mom to it, or anyone.
But I plan to keep this blog alive, too. Not with the little day-to-day multiplicity stuff, but where I can write bigger things, posts that may be too scary or too personal for Facebook, stuff about being kinky and poly and multi all together - you know, like I've been doing. I won't feel guilty for long breaks here, because I'll be doing smaller stuff on FB. But I can do the bigger things here I don't feel are appropriate there.
And sometimes, I might do the same thing in both places. I've already grabbed a lot of stuff from here and just copy-and-pasted there. I've also made a list of posts here that could be rewritten or something similar written as a post on FB - things that are specifically about being multiple.
So we'll see how it goes.
Monday, June 29, 2015
The Dam Has Broken [Me]
It seems the dam has broken. I wish I understood it better. But I feel like we have an improvement.
MK hasn't spoken to me or Boss since the beginning of April, except short grunts and answers to direct questions. He's stomped angrily past us whenever he's moved through the house. After several weeks of that, we dragged him into a household conversation, where he confirmed that my relationship with him is over, and indicated that he would look for a place to move out to. He's continued to be angry and cold.
Yesterday, the MK that I have always enjoyed and liked came downstairs and started showing off something he had worked on. He acted like everything was fine - and had always been fine. Now remember that he is a multiple also. His personality switches have always been longer-term than mine, lasting days of weeks instead of hours, more often than not. And here's the MK that I can deal with. But too late. I'm still angry over the last three months of ill treatment, and now I'm angry that he can just drop into acting like nothing was ever wrong. As a roommate, though, this alter is infinitely preferable, so I hope this switch lasts for a while.
It just goes to show that multiples in relationships with multiples are just as likely to bust as relationships between singletons. I think the strength of my relationship with Boss is that each of my alters has a relationship with several, if not all, of his alters. My relationship with MK and Boss's relationship with Metamour were both centered around one alter of each system, and the rest were more incidental.
Anyway, I just hope that the MK we saw yesterday stays around for a while. Maybe it's too much to hope that he'll sit down and talk to me, but at least I won't catch myself flinching when he storms by.
MK hasn't spoken to me or Boss since the beginning of April, except short grunts and answers to direct questions. He's stomped angrily past us whenever he's moved through the house. After several weeks of that, we dragged him into a household conversation, where he confirmed that my relationship with him is over, and indicated that he would look for a place to move out to. He's continued to be angry and cold.
Yesterday, the MK that I have always enjoyed and liked came downstairs and started showing off something he had worked on. He acted like everything was fine - and had always been fine. Now remember that he is a multiple also. His personality switches have always been longer-term than mine, lasting days of weeks instead of hours, more often than not. And here's the MK that I can deal with. But too late. I'm still angry over the last three months of ill treatment, and now I'm angry that he can just drop into acting like nothing was ever wrong. As a roommate, though, this alter is infinitely preferable, so I hope this switch lasts for a while.
It just goes to show that multiples in relationships with multiples are just as likely to bust as relationships between singletons. I think the strength of my relationship with Boss is that each of my alters has a relationship with several, if not all, of his alters. My relationship with MK and Boss's relationship with Metamour were both centered around one alter of each system, and the rest were more incidental.
Anyway, I just hope that the MK we saw yesterday stays around for a while. Maybe it's too much to hope that he'll sit down and talk to me, but at least I won't catch myself flinching when he storms by.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Location and Relocation [Me]
It occurred to me this week that the whole first half of this year has been, and continues to be, about residences, in some way or another. There's been a lot happen that all had to do with where people are located.
We started the year off with Boss losing his job, and finding one in Washington DC. That started off a huge mega-conversation about who was going to DC with him and who wasn't, and what we could do and should do and would do. Part of that conversation resulted in the realization that I wasn't willing to move out of state right now. Another part pointed out the fact, in stark detail, that Metamour and Boss's relationship really was over. At the time, my relationship with MK was much stronger than my relationship with Boss. And then he found and accepted a job in town, which changed the plans, but not what we had all learned.
The next big thing was selling my old house. I hadn't lived in the house for a while, but the expense of keeping it, and the mental toll it was taking on me, was a major factor. When I sold the house, I suddenly had a much better income/expense outlook. Because of that, and with Boss's new job, we were able to adjust the family money flow so that what we put into the household was a lot more fair. Both Boss and I would have more discretionary income than we had been able to have. That meant getting some savings and being a lot more financially secure, for both of us.
Selling my house also meant that my daughter came to 'couch-surf' at our house. She's living out of a suitcase, sleeping in Kiara & Paul's playroom upstairs while she saves up money and looks for an apartment. (Which means we now have five people in our house.)
Now Metamour's moving out. Honestly, that nickname isn't really an accurate name to call her anymore, since she and Boss officially called it 'Done' back in February. But I'm continuing to use it for continuity. Anyway, with the new discretionary income, Boss and I have been able to pull together some money to help her get started on her own. So she found an apartment, and she got hooked into a program that's going to help her get some job training. She moves tomorrow. It's really exciting, because it means turning the page to the next stage of life, for all of us. (And then there will be four.)
Once Metamour has an apartment, it'll be the daughter's turn to get one. It's getting to her, having all of her stuff in storage, so I expect her to be moving into a place pretty soon. (And then there will be three.)
After all that, we'll be down to Boss, myself, and MK. And it'll be time to force some sort of confrontation with him. Will he move downstairs to work on a three-person relationship? Will he move out entirely? Will he stay upstairs as 'my ex-b/f roommate'? I have no idea what's going to happen with him next.
We started the year off with Boss losing his job, and finding one in Washington DC. That started off a huge mega-conversation about who was going to DC with him and who wasn't, and what we could do and should do and would do. Part of that conversation resulted in the realization that I wasn't willing to move out of state right now. Another part pointed out the fact, in stark detail, that Metamour and Boss's relationship really was over. At the time, my relationship with MK was much stronger than my relationship with Boss. And then he found and accepted a job in town, which changed the plans, but not what we had all learned.
The next big thing was selling my old house. I hadn't lived in the house for a while, but the expense of keeping it, and the mental toll it was taking on me, was a major factor. When I sold the house, I suddenly had a much better income/expense outlook. Because of that, and with Boss's new job, we were able to adjust the family money flow so that what we put into the household was a lot more fair. Both Boss and I would have more discretionary income than we had been able to have. That meant getting some savings and being a lot more financially secure, for both of us.
Selling my house also meant that my daughter came to 'couch-surf' at our house. She's living out of a suitcase, sleeping in Kiara & Paul's playroom upstairs while she saves up money and looks for an apartment. (Which means we now have five people in our house.)
Now Metamour's moving out. Honestly, that nickname isn't really an accurate name to call her anymore, since she and Boss officially called it 'Done' back in February. But I'm continuing to use it for continuity. Anyway, with the new discretionary income, Boss and I have been able to pull together some money to help her get started on her own. So she found an apartment, and she got hooked into a program that's going to help her get some job training. She moves tomorrow. It's really exciting, because it means turning the page to the next stage of life, for all of us. (And then there will be four.)
Once Metamour has an apartment, it'll be the daughter's turn to get one. It's getting to her, having all of her stuff in storage, so I expect her to be moving into a place pretty soon. (And then there will be three.)
After all that, we'll be down to Boss, myself, and MK. And it'll be time to force some sort of confrontation with him. Will he move downstairs to work on a three-person relationship? Will he move out entirely? Will he stay upstairs as 'my ex-b/f roommate'? I have no idea what's going to happen with him next.
Incidentally, my non-bio daughter, who does not live with us, is also moving - next week. So we'll be helping her do some moving stuff too, probably. Also, the BDSM club we teach and play at has moved this year as well. Which has resulted in a fair bit of juggling schedules and addresses. Nothing major, but one more thing.
So the first half of 2015 has about location and relocation. I hope it's just the first half of the year. I'd love for the second half of the year to be a bit more stable. Maybe it could be about improving financials - paying off debts, saving money, and such. Wouldn't that be nice?
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Are Two Multiples in a Relationship Still Considered a Couple? [Me]
Metamour has found an apartment and is moving out this weekend. My daughter is starting to look pretty seriously at a couple different places. And I've definitely crossed the line to considering my relationship with MK done.
It's a weird way to end a relationship. I mean, I've gone through some relationships, so I've gone through some breakups. I've had two divorces. And I've always at least known when the end occurred. I've been dumped by text. I've come home to find he's moved out. I've even been told by the new girlfriend. But I've never had a relationship just... ignored to death.
I'm really pleased to see how little this has messed with the system in my head. Both of the kids have been out about as much as normal. Paul's recently gotten a LOT of new Legos, so he and Kiara have been building up and taking apart and sorting and storing on an almost daily basis. Kiara was out for supper last night; not for any particular reason, but just because, and she was cheerful and nice. Rubi had a scene at the club last weekend, and it went great. Sam's even poked her head out (and her tongue) a few times recently that I've been aware of.
So yeah, things are progressing. Now, after Metamour gets moved out, dealing with MK is next. The original plan is that he was going to move into her room - so that he would be more accessible and there would be more interaction between the three of us, and we could work on our relationship of three... I'm guessing that won't be happening that way. Once she's out, then I'll take him on. One thing at a time.
It's a weird way to end a relationship. I mean, I've gone through some relationships, so I've gone through some breakups. I've had two divorces. And I've always at least known when the end occurred. I've been dumped by text. I've come home to find he's moved out. I've even been told by the new girlfriend. But I've never had a relationship just... ignored to death.
I'm really pleased to see how little this has messed with the system in my head. Both of the kids have been out about as much as normal. Paul's recently gotten a LOT of new Legos, so he and Kiara have been building up and taking apart and sorting and storing on an almost daily basis. Kiara was out for supper last night; not for any particular reason, but just because, and she was cheerful and nice. Rubi had a scene at the club last weekend, and it went great. Sam's even poked her head out (and her tongue) a few times recently that I've been aware of.
So yeah, things are progressing. Now, after Metamour gets moved out, dealing with MK is next. The original plan is that he was going to move into her room - so that he would be more accessible and there would be more interaction between the three of us, and we could work on our relationship of three... I'm guessing that won't be happening that way. Once she's out, then I'll take him on. One thing at a time.
Monday, April 27, 2015
I Think It's Over? [Me]
It's pretty much been a month since MK and I have spent any kind of good time together. He has started talking to Metamour and my daughter, so I have some trickle of information. It sounds like he's mad at me for not spending enough time with him. So to punish me, he's cut me off cold and refuses to spend any time with me. Yeah, you read that right.
I'm fed up with this cold-shoulder-silent-treatment crap. That's no way for any kind of grownup to deal with another grownup. Relationships require communication, which is something he and I have always struggled with. He wants more time with me; I want him to talk to me and to be able to talk to him. I've worked hard to be patient with him through this episode, but it's been close enough to a month now. I'm done.
Heck, maybe he's already decided we've broken up. Of course, he hasn't told me this. But he has. I'm a lot closer to the Metamour than to him at this point, and most of that is bonding over her moving out! So the real question now is whether he's moving out or transitioning to 'roommate'. I've looked in his room; he's not packed anything up or anything. So I'm assuming he's now a roommate. I guess we'll see if he says anything when he pays his rent this weekend.
I was patient for a long time, trying to give him time to work through his fit. I fought off being depressed about it like I usually am. And I was unexpectedly pretty successful. I can only rip my own heart out over the same thing so many times before I stop and wait to see what happens if I don't. Apparently the silence becomes status quo. Fine. I'm done. I've gotten depressed and angry and sad. Now I'm going to push it aside and deal with the things in my life I can do something with.
On the other hand, Boss and I are doing much better. Some of that's because he doesn't have jealousy opportunities with MK. Some of it's because Metamour is actively working on moving out. A lot of it's because he's making a huge effort to be supportive and loving and playful and sweet with me.
And I'm trying to return it. I'm not good at it, turns out, but I'm trying. I am a selfish person - I tell people this and they don't believe me, but I know this is true. It's all about me. Well, isn't that true for everyone? If you pay attention to me, I pay it back. If you ignore me, I go do something else.
So here we are. In January, we were a poly-quad family. Now we're apparently a couple, with his ex-girlfriend and my newly-ex-boyfriend and my daughter all living with us. Sounds like some kind of reality show. Not a good one.
I'm fed up with this cold-shoulder-silent-treatment crap. That's no way for any kind of grownup to deal with another grownup. Relationships require communication, which is something he and I have always struggled with. He wants more time with me; I want him to talk to me and to be able to talk to him. I've worked hard to be patient with him through this episode, but it's been close enough to a month now. I'm done.
Heck, maybe he's already decided we've broken up. Of course, he hasn't told me this. But he has. I'm a lot closer to the Metamour than to him at this point, and most of that is bonding over her moving out! So the real question now is whether he's moving out or transitioning to 'roommate'. I've looked in his room; he's not packed anything up or anything. So I'm assuming he's now a roommate. I guess we'll see if he says anything when he pays his rent this weekend.
I was patient for a long time, trying to give him time to work through his fit. I fought off being depressed about it like I usually am. And I was unexpectedly pretty successful. I can only rip my own heart out over the same thing so many times before I stop and wait to see what happens if I don't. Apparently the silence becomes status quo. Fine. I'm done. I've gotten depressed and angry and sad. Now I'm going to push it aside and deal with the things in my life I can do something with.
On the other hand, Boss and I are doing much better. Some of that's because he doesn't have jealousy opportunities with MK. Some of it's because Metamour is actively working on moving out. A lot of it's because he's making a huge effort to be supportive and loving and playful and sweet with me.
And I'm trying to return it. I'm not good at it, turns out, but I'm trying. I am a selfish person - I tell people this and they don't believe me, but I know this is true. It's all about me. Well, isn't that true for everyone? If you pay attention to me, I pay it back. If you ignore me, I go do something else.
So here we are. In January, we were a poly-quad family. Now we're apparently a couple, with his ex-girlfriend and my newly-ex-boyfriend and my daughter all living with us. Sounds like some kind of reality show. Not a good one.
Friday, April 17, 2015
Focus on the Bright Side [Me]
I'm going to gripe now. Read at your own risk.
The Bad - MK's giving me the cold shoulder. He hasn't said three words at a time to me for over two weeks. Don't know why.
The Good - I've had a lot of extra 'me' time lately that normally would be spent with him, and it's been pretty pleasant, as long as I've kept my emotions in check.
The Bad - My company laid off over 20 people this morning. While the rest of those that still have a job went drinking together, I stayed at work at shut down software access for those folks.
The Good - I still have a job. And I went home early.
The Bad - My period just started.
The Good - One more confirmation I'm not pregnant.
The Bad - MK's giving me the cold shoulder. He hasn't said three words at a time to me for over two weeks. Don't know why.
The Good - I've had a lot of extra 'me' time lately that normally would be spent with him, and it's been pretty pleasant, as long as I've kept my emotions in check.
The Bad - My company laid off over 20 people this morning. While the rest of those that still have a job went drinking together, I stayed at work at shut down software access for those folks.
The Good - I still have a job. And I went home early.
The Bad - My period just started.
The Good - One more confirmation I'm not pregnant.
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Status Update (Me)
Catching up again. I keep catching up so that I can then post about something I want to talk about, but I don't seem to get past the catching up. Maybe this time?
No big changes in my head. Sam and Rubi came out to play at the club this past weekend (I'm finally healthy enough to play reasonably again!), and Paul and Kiara come out from time to time, though not nearly as much as they used to. Glass is still there in the background, and that seems to be it.
The dental work is done - I had two teeth pulled, and I've recovered from that. MK has been having some dental work too, and he's about done - including two teeth pulled. Boss started his new job, and once the health benefits kick in, he can get his dental work done.
One reason that we've been able to get the dental stuff worked on is that there is more money in the household, because I SOLD THE HOUSE! After almost a year on the market, I'm no longer paying a mortgage on a house I don't live in. That's had a lot of trickle-down effects on us. First, the money to do the dental work. Second, my daughter lost her place to stay, so she's camping at our house, in Paul and Kiara's room upstairs. That could be contributing to their being out less, maybe? I don't know. Third, we've rebalanced how much money each of us is contributing to the Household pot. Which means Boss gets some fiscal relief, too.
He'll need the extra money to buy a car before long. He's driving my truck for now to the new job, which seems to be working out just fine. It does mean he leaves much earlier in the day and comes home later, and I don't get to carpool with him. That's taken away some 'together-time' that we really could use. We're still struggling to redefine our relationship without a collar involved, as well as our/the three of us relationship.
Metamour is still working on getting out. She thought she had a job, but then spent a week in the hospital and had surgery and all. She's recovering well, and should be much healthier than she has been, but the initial job is now unsuitable for her. The first goal was for her to move out by the first of April, and she hasn't, but we didn't really expect to make that goal. She is doing a lot of searching for jobs and apartments, however, and seems to be genuinely trying.
The biggest worry I have right now is MK. Boss and I are arguing a good bit, and because of that I'm focusing a lot on trying to fix some of those issues, and in the meantime I'm ignoring MK way more than is fair. However, the fights Boss and I are having are more airing of grievances between equals than they were before, and I feel like we're struggling instead of just plain failing. I'm not as depressed, just frustrated. The good side of the relationship stuff is that MK and Boss and I are all going out as a group of three more often. Usually to the movies, but that usually means a meal before or after as well. I do find that encouraging.
I think that as Metamour does eventually get moved out, and my daughter gets a place of her own, the three of us are beginning to have a chance to work. So I'm still feeling hopeful overall, even if I have moments of feeling doomed and failing.
No big changes in my head. Sam and Rubi came out to play at the club this past weekend (I'm finally healthy enough to play reasonably again!), and Paul and Kiara come out from time to time, though not nearly as much as they used to. Glass is still there in the background, and that seems to be it.
The dental work is done - I had two teeth pulled, and I've recovered from that. MK has been having some dental work too, and he's about done - including two teeth pulled. Boss started his new job, and once the health benefits kick in, he can get his dental work done.
One reason that we've been able to get the dental stuff worked on is that there is more money in the household, because I SOLD THE HOUSE! After almost a year on the market, I'm no longer paying a mortgage on a house I don't live in. That's had a lot of trickle-down effects on us. First, the money to do the dental work. Second, my daughter lost her place to stay, so she's camping at our house, in Paul and Kiara's room upstairs. That could be contributing to their being out less, maybe? I don't know. Third, we've rebalanced how much money each of us is contributing to the Household pot. Which means Boss gets some fiscal relief, too.
He'll need the extra money to buy a car before long. He's driving my truck for now to the new job, which seems to be working out just fine. It does mean he leaves much earlier in the day and comes home later, and I don't get to carpool with him. That's taken away some 'together-time' that we really could use. We're still struggling to redefine our relationship without a collar involved, as well as our/the three of us relationship.
Metamour is still working on getting out. She thought she had a job, but then spent a week in the hospital and had surgery and all. She's recovering well, and should be much healthier than she has been, but the initial job is now unsuitable for her. The first goal was for her to move out by the first of April, and she hasn't, but we didn't really expect to make that goal. She is doing a lot of searching for jobs and apartments, however, and seems to be genuinely trying.
The biggest worry I have right now is MK. Boss and I are arguing a good bit, and because of that I'm focusing a lot on trying to fix some of those issues, and in the meantime I'm ignoring MK way more than is fair. However, the fights Boss and I are having are more airing of grievances between equals than they were before, and I feel like we're struggling instead of just plain failing. I'm not as depressed, just frustrated. The good side of the relationship stuff is that MK and Boss and I are all going out as a group of three more often. Usually to the movies, but that usually means a meal before or after as well. I do find that encouraging.
I think that as Metamour does eventually get moved out, and my daughter gets a place of her own, the three of us are beginning to have a chance to work. So I'm still feeling hopeful overall, even if I have moments of feeling doomed and failing.
Monday, February 9, 2015
Resolutions, Not the New Years Kind (Me)
It's time to catch my readers up on what's going on. There are a number of situations that have impacted us lately that all seem to have been resolved or moving quickly toward a resolution. I feel like things are going to start getting better from this point on. Here's hoping.
Glass seems to be sticking around, but just in the background. Paul and Kiara have both been out a little bit lately; not back to normal, but enough that I'm not worried about them. Sam and Rubi haven't really been out, but I can hear them around inside. So we're back to six people for now.
I'm still dealing with dental work. We made two attempts at the root canal, and couldn't get it through. So we're having the tooth pulled, along with another that was slated for extraction. That'll be this Friday, and then that should be the end of things going on with my teeth, I hope.
I mentioned before that Boss lost his job about a month ago. There were a couple of jobs out of town that he was looking at; and I had already decided I wasn't willing to move out of town if he took them. So we were scared that the job thing was going to force us to break up. Well, last Friday he accepted a new job, and it's in town. So all the stress that goes with unemployment is handled. There may be a week or two break in the income stream, but we've already prepared for that.
Now, this means that Boss is going to need a car. I have a second vehicle, a truck, but my daughter has been driving it. Well, she bought a car this weekend, so we'll have the truck back. It's not a good choice for Boss to drive to/from work forever, but it'll do just fine for a while. Timing sometimes works out really well.
As part of the discussions about out-of-town jobs, MK and I talked a lot about whether he and I and Boss were a viable relationship. Even if Boss took a job in town, all of us splitting up and moving out separately was an option we were looking at. And we had to wait for a job to be picked up before we could really make any decisions. The three of us have decided to keep pushing to make things work. Knowing that we are all three committed to that really eases my mind and gives me some hope that we can succeed. I'm feeling pretty good about things in that realm now.
Part of what we have to work on is the change in my relationship with Boss. A few weeks back, just before the job loss was announced, I think, I decided I could no longer wear Boss's collar. I have tried to be his submissive, but I felt like I was failing at it all the time. I think part of that comes from losing Cherish and Stephanie, and even Gracelyn. So we are going to try being boyfriend and girlfriend (and boyfriend) instead. This is new territory for us, but hopefully this will turn into something where we all feel like we're succeeding more.
Now, I did say the three of us, and there are four people in our family. It's been decided that the Metamour will be transitioning out of our household over the next few months. That relationship has just not proved to be salvageable, so we're working on changing that. So now she's doing the job search thing, and trying to plan out what she's going to be doing instead. That has the potential to turn into a lot of stress in the household, but we're all going to help her as much as we can reasonably do so.
Oh, and I'm finally over the Yearly Ick. With all the situations beginning to resolve, the despair and hopelessness and depression is lifting. So things are looking up, and I think they'll continue to do so.
Glass seems to be sticking around, but just in the background. Paul and Kiara have both been out a little bit lately; not back to normal, but enough that I'm not worried about them. Sam and Rubi haven't really been out, but I can hear them around inside. So we're back to six people for now.
I'm still dealing with dental work. We made two attempts at the root canal, and couldn't get it through. So we're having the tooth pulled, along with another that was slated for extraction. That'll be this Friday, and then that should be the end of things going on with my teeth, I hope.
I mentioned before that Boss lost his job about a month ago. There were a couple of jobs out of town that he was looking at; and I had already decided I wasn't willing to move out of town if he took them. So we were scared that the job thing was going to force us to break up. Well, last Friday he accepted a new job, and it's in town. So all the stress that goes with unemployment is handled. There may be a week or two break in the income stream, but we've already prepared for that.
Now, this means that Boss is going to need a car. I have a second vehicle, a truck, but my daughter has been driving it. Well, she bought a car this weekend, so we'll have the truck back. It's not a good choice for Boss to drive to/from work forever, but it'll do just fine for a while. Timing sometimes works out really well.
As part of the discussions about out-of-town jobs, MK and I talked a lot about whether he and I and Boss were a viable relationship. Even if Boss took a job in town, all of us splitting up and moving out separately was an option we were looking at. And we had to wait for a job to be picked up before we could really make any decisions. The three of us have decided to keep pushing to make things work. Knowing that we are all three committed to that really eases my mind and gives me some hope that we can succeed. I'm feeling pretty good about things in that realm now.
Part of what we have to work on is the change in my relationship with Boss. A few weeks back, just before the job loss was announced, I think, I decided I could no longer wear Boss's collar. I have tried to be his submissive, but I felt like I was failing at it all the time. I think part of that comes from losing Cherish and Stephanie, and even Gracelyn. So we are going to try being boyfriend and girlfriend (and boyfriend) instead. This is new territory for us, but hopefully this will turn into something where we all feel like we're succeeding more.
Now, I did say the three of us, and there are four people in our family. It's been decided that the Metamour will be transitioning out of our household over the next few months. That relationship has just not proved to be salvageable, so we're working on changing that. So now she's doing the job search thing, and trying to plan out what she's going to be doing instead. That has the potential to turn into a lot of stress in the household, but we're all going to help her as much as we can reasonably do so.
Oh, and I'm finally over the Yearly Ick. With all the situations beginning to resolve, the despair and hopelessness and depression is lifting. So things are looking up, and I think they'll continue to do so.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Littles' Party
No more posts recently because we've been completely unhappy. Relationships are falling apart; Boss lost his job; we've all been sick; I have both a tooth extraction and a root canal coming up. I don't know what's happening or going to happen. So I'll try to write about just the multiplicity part.
Since about Christmas, I've been sick. I call it my 'Yearly Ick', because I get it around the holidays each year.When I'm sick, nobody wants to come out in the body. When I'm fighting with Boss, nobody wants to come out and be around him. So I've been very much alone in the body for weeks now. In the last week or so, I've finally started to feel healthy enough that some alters will sneak out for short bursts. I have a video game on my tablet that Paul seems to like a lot. Kiara's got new toys since Christmas, as well as a new mattress in their room upstairs. So she's been out some. Sam came out just long enough to tease MK about something - poorly, because he didn't know it was her and it was about a sensitive subject - which lead to me having to offer an apology. She really doesn't know how to interact with him well.
But last night there was a Littles' Party at the club, and Kiara was definitely excited about it. All week, she's been coming out closer and closer to the front, letting me know what she planned to wear and what she wanted to take with her. When both MK and Boss indicated they'd like to go, well... new fighting, but it was resolved. So we all went. And almost had no kids at all.
The party hostess for the night is someone that seems to really want to be bestest friends with each of my alters and each of Boss's. However, most of us really just don't like her. She tries too hard. It feels like she wants to be friends with us just to be able to say, "Well, I'm close friends with several multiples, and..." So as we came in the door, all as our primary selves, carrying bags and needing to check in, she off and greets our littles by name, Kiara and Boss's little too. Since neither of them were out, but were all excited inside because they new they were coming to a party, it was really triggery. Kiara almost refused to come out at all at that point. I knew that wouldn't last, so we just got dressed in her clothes and let her calm down. But Boss's little is pretty shy anyway, so I knew that would be bad for him. Either way, everyone managed to have a low-key good time and play some.
Since about Christmas, I've been sick. I call it my 'Yearly Ick', because I get it around the holidays each year.When I'm sick, nobody wants to come out in the body. When I'm fighting with Boss, nobody wants to come out and be around him. So I've been very much alone in the body for weeks now. In the last week or so, I've finally started to feel healthy enough that some alters will sneak out for short bursts. I have a video game on my tablet that Paul seems to like a lot. Kiara's got new toys since Christmas, as well as a new mattress in their room upstairs. So she's been out some. Sam came out just long enough to tease MK about something - poorly, because he didn't know it was her and it was about a sensitive subject - which lead to me having to offer an apology. She really doesn't know how to interact with him well.
But last night there was a Littles' Party at the club, and Kiara was definitely excited about it. All week, she's been coming out closer and closer to the front, letting me know what she planned to wear and what she wanted to take with her. When both MK and Boss indicated they'd like to go, well... new fighting, but it was resolved. So we all went. And almost had no kids at all.
The party hostess for the night is someone that seems to really want to be bestest friends with each of my alters and each of Boss's. However, most of us really just don't like her. She tries too hard. It feels like she wants to be friends with us just to be able to say, "Well, I'm close friends with several multiples, and..." So as we came in the door, all as our primary selves, carrying bags and needing to check in, she off and greets our littles by name, Kiara and Boss's little too. Since neither of them were out, but were all excited inside because they new they were coming to a party, it was really triggery. Kiara almost refused to come out at all at that point. I knew that wouldn't last, so we just got dressed in her clothes and let her calm down. But Boss's little is pretty shy anyway, so I knew that would be bad for him. Either way, everyone managed to have a low-key good time and play some.
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Remix. Again. [Me]
Looks like the personality matrix has gone through a remix again. I've put off admitting it, even to myself. Because writing it down makes it more true. But I haven't seen several alters in a long time, and we have been seeing a new one. It's time to admit it, I guess.
Me, Sam, and Rubi are still the 'Big Girls'.
Kiara and Paul are still the kids in the group.
Paul has settled with ages 3,9, and 15 pretty well.
I haven't seen Cherish or Stephanie in months.
I've quit hearing Gracelyn even inside, even when I ask for her, look for her.
I don't think they're coming back. I'm putting up their nametags, into their 'personal effects' boxes. If they return, then I'll bring the nametags back out. But like Jarett, I feel like they may be so far inside they won't return.
Silent One isn't there either. There have been situations where it should have come out, when I was hurting terribly and trying desperately to absent myself, and it just didn't come out. It surprised me. My last resort is gone. But there is the 'closet person' who has been coming out more. When everything gets loud and overwhelming, I've been wanting to just retreat into a small space. And on the occasion I can actually do so, it feels very calming and peaceful. I can lose the upset as long as I'm in that small space.
I talked about that one in this post before. It's time to name that one so I can refer to her. I'd like to reuse Gracelyn's nametag, which has GL on it. The flower on the tag feels right for the newer alter. So I do baby name searches, and I get:
Glayd, Glaide - meadow
Glaine, Glayn, Glayne - jewel
Glenys, Glinys - holy, fair one
Outside the name searches, I find a few other words that have some feeling about them that works:
Glass, Glance, Gleam, Glow
It's hard to match a name to an alter that doesn't just announce who they are. But I can 'see' her 'aura' brighten with the amount of pleasure she takes in each, as I focus inside. Again, English is inadequate here. Glass seems to please her the most. And once I wrote that sentence, she 'turned' and went further inside. I guess that's the answer then. Her name is Glass.
Goodbye, Cherish, Stephanie, and Gracelyn. Hello, Glass.
Me, Sam, and Rubi are still the 'Big Girls'.
Kiara and Paul are still the kids in the group.
Paul has settled with ages 3,9, and 15 pretty well.
I haven't seen Cherish or Stephanie in months.
I've quit hearing Gracelyn even inside, even when I ask for her, look for her.
I don't think they're coming back. I'm putting up their nametags, into their 'personal effects' boxes. If they return, then I'll bring the nametags back out. But like Jarett, I feel like they may be so far inside they won't return.
Silent One isn't there either. There have been situations where it should have come out, when I was hurting terribly and trying desperately to absent myself, and it just didn't come out. It surprised me. My last resort is gone. But there is the 'closet person' who has been coming out more. When everything gets loud and overwhelming, I've been wanting to just retreat into a small space. And on the occasion I can actually do so, it feels very calming and peaceful. I can lose the upset as long as I'm in that small space.
I talked about that one in this post before. It's time to name that one so I can refer to her. I'd like to reuse Gracelyn's nametag, which has GL on it. The flower on the tag feels right for the newer alter. So I do baby name searches, and I get:
Glayd, Glaide - meadow
Glaine, Glayn, Glayne - jewel
Glenys, Glinys - holy, fair one
Outside the name searches, I find a few other words that have some feeling about them that works:
Glass, Glance, Gleam, Glow
It's hard to match a name to an alter that doesn't just announce who they are. But I can 'see' her 'aura' brighten with the amount of pleasure she takes in each, as I focus inside. Again, English is inadequate here. Glass seems to please her the most. And once I wrote that sentence, she 'turned' and went further inside. I guess that's the answer then. Her name is Glass.
Goodbye, Cherish, Stephanie, and Gracelyn. Hello, Glass.
Fighting Continues [Me]
There have been so many stresses lately. If I'm not fighting with boyfriend, I'm fighting with the other. Oddly enough, I almost never fight with the Metamour, even though she's technically the prickliest person in the house. Probably because I'm not having sex with her. She and I don't have any claims on one another's time, so we hang out when we're together, and we're fine when we aren't. Easiest relationship.
I wish my relationship with either Boss or MK were more like that. Easy, I mean. Spending time together when it works. Loving each other from afar when it doesn't. But in order to be 'fair' to everyone, we schedule time. And nobody likes the schedule. Boss doesn't want me away from him when I'm scheduled to be with MK. MK wants more time with me somewhere. I feel like I don't have any time to myself except when I sneak it away from someone else. Nobody's happy.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Who bought it? [Me]
I came home tonight to a new fun thing I had bought. Or apparently bought. I got a receipt in my email for it a couple of days ago, and an email shipping notice. And it was charged to my card. The problem? I don't remember buying it.
Don't get me wrong, it's something I want; it was on my wishlist. But I don't remember making the decision to buy it. Which means either I bought it and lost that time retroactively, or someone else in my head bought it. The second is more likely, and that is Not Cool. Because no one is supposed to spend money without the okay from me. That's a way to get us all in some financial trouble, so the rule is that I control the money for us.
I looked at the date it was bought, and I was really messed up that day. It was the day after Thanksgiving; I had spent a lot more time at home than usual, which is not good for my state of mind; I've been having a lot of relationship issues with MK, in that we're pretty much just ignoring each other right now; I've been very switchy while finishing the book I blogged about last. So I could easily have okay'd the purchase and not remembered, or have made the purchase and lost the time. Or someone else came up front enough to buy something and didn't make me aware of it. These are all feasible scenarios.
If I knew who bought it, we'd have a discussion about it, and possibly send it back. But I can't get mad at someone else for buying it unless I know if it was someone else, and if so, who. And it is something I've wanted. So I'm keeping it. But I'll be watching more carefully to try to keep this from happening more.
Don't get me wrong, it's something I want; it was on my wishlist. But I don't remember making the decision to buy it. Which means either I bought it and lost that time retroactively, or someone else in my head bought it. The second is more likely, and that is Not Cool. Because no one is supposed to spend money without the okay from me. That's a way to get us all in some financial trouble, so the rule is that I control the money for us.
I looked at the date it was bought, and I was really messed up that day. It was the day after Thanksgiving; I had spent a lot more time at home than usual, which is not good for my state of mind; I've been having a lot of relationship issues with MK, in that we're pretty much just ignoring each other right now; I've been very switchy while finishing the book I blogged about last. So I could easily have okay'd the purchase and not remembered, or have made the purchase and lost the time. Or someone else came up front enough to buy something and didn't make me aware of it. These are all feasible scenarios.
If I knew who bought it, we'd have a discussion about it, and possibly send it back. But I can't get mad at someone else for buying it unless I know if it was someone else, and if so, who. And it is something I've wanted. So I'm keeping it. But I'll be watching more carefully to try to keep this from happening more.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Set This House In Order [Me]
I just started reading a book that looks like the author really gets being multiple. His 'About the Author' says he is not a multiple personality, but I would certainly believe he is. The way he words some things really sounds spot-on. I'm going to share some of them below. The book is Set This House In Order: A Romance of Souls, by Matt Ruff. The general story is two multiples that meet one another.
Last night, I read the first 120-ish pages. I really enjoyed reading it, but of course it left me really unsettled and switchy, jumpy even. But I liked it enough to keep reading. It's unusual to find a fiction book about multiples, let alone one written well and not casting a multiple in the role of a crazy serial killer or something. Or at least, I don't think this book is going to go that way.
Anyway, I'll continue reading the book when I'm stable enough to do so. I think reading it in shorter bursts may result in less switchiness.
Last night, I read the first 120-ish pages. I really enjoyed reading it, but of course it left me really unsettled and switchy, jumpy even. But I liked it enough to keep reading. It's unusual to find a fiction book about multiples, let alone one written well and not casting a multiple in the role of a crazy serial killer or something. Or at least, I don't think this book is going to go that way.
"[Some people] wonder how I could have an age without having a past. But I get puzzled, too: most people I know can't remember being born, and what's more, it doesn't bother them that they can't remember."Not remembering is part of being a person. I can't remember most of my life before my mid-twenties. I know the facts of it, but don't really have memories. Paul & Stephanie remember things that happened to different bodies. Most singletons can't remember their first few years. We keep some memories, files others as facts, and lose great piles of bland moments. So my 'keep' pile is several different piles, is all.
"Something else that puzzles me about other people is that a lot of them don't know their purpose in life. This usually dos bother them - more than not being able to remember being born, anyway - but I can't even imagine it. Part of knowing who I am is knowing why I am, and I've always known who I am, from the first moment."Not all of us came into being with a purpose, but some most certainly did. Cherish is here to belong to Boss, heart, soul, and body. Stephanie is here to suffer for him. Gracelyn exists to organize and support.
"We rented part of the first floor. The space was large but cluttered, clutter being an inevitable side effect of multiplicity, even if you make an effort to keep real-world possessions to a minimum. Just lying there in bed, and without even turning my head, I could see: Aunt Sam's easel, brushes, and paints, and two blank canvases; Adam's skateboard; Jake's stuffed panda; Seferis's kendo sword; my books; my father's books; Jake's little shelf of books; Adam's Playboy collection; Aunt Sam's stack of art prints..."It goes on with the list. Everyone wants to have a few (or a lot of) things of their own. When you have several people in a body, that turns into a lot of things. I have two rooms of my own. Upstairs is the kids' room, with Paul's legos, my Star Trek stuff, Kiara's books, colors, and toys, Baby Paul's toys, Paul's bootblacking stuff, some of my childhood and theatre mementos, and everyone's stuffed animals, and a closet full of theatre costumes, Paul's clothes, and Kiara's clothes. Downstairs is my 'office', with my books and musical instruments and clothes, along with anything owned by Cherish, Stephanie, Gracelyn, Sam, Silent One, or Rubi. All of them are pretty low-space on belongings, so that's primarily 'my' room.
"Jake [a child alter] really enjoys brushing for some reason, so I let him do it, stepping back into the pulpit and giving him the body. I stayed alert. Jake, as I've mentioned, is a child; but Andy Gage's body is adult and five-foot-seven, and hangs on Jake's soul like a suit of clothes many sizes too big. he moves clumsily in it, and often misjudges the distance between his extremities and the rest of the world; and as we've only got the one skull between us, if he bends over to get a dropped toothpaste cap and bashes his head on the corner of the sink, it is a group tragedy."Body disphoria sneaks in everywhere. When your arms are a couple of inches shorter or longer than you expect, everything becomes clumsy. Same with legs. Paul actually seems to handle it best; perhaps because adolescents are already dealing with that issue, so it's just more-so. Kiara drops things a lot, but is pretty cheerful about it.
"This is one of those metaphysical issues that people who aren't multiple have a hard time grasping. obviously in creating me, my father [another alter] had given me a great deal of practical knowledge. I [came about] knowing how to speak. I had a concept of the world and at least some of what was in it. I knew what dogs, snowflakes, and ferryboats were before I ever saw a real dog, snowflake, or ferryboat. So it may seem natural to ask, if my father could give me all that, why couldn't he also give me the know-how to [do his job]? For that matter, why couldn't he give me Aunt Sam's understanding of French, Seferis's martial-arts prowess, and Adam's knack for lie-dectecting?"There is a very disjointed set of knowledges in a multiple system. There's knowledge that everyone has, and then each person has their own set of knowledge. For instance, Kiara can barely type. She and Paul both hunt and peck, but his spelling is much better than hers. Then again, she's six; who expects her to be able to type? But why not? After all, I can type and spell extremely well. But when she looks at the keyboard, she can figure it out using some of my knowledge and some of her own.
Anyway, I'll continue reading the book when I'm stable enough to do so. I think reading it in shorter bursts may result in less switchiness.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
I have Dissociative Identity Disorder [Me]
About a month ago, I posted this note on my Facebook page:
And then I waited to see what would happen. Boss's mother said something supportive. Seven people liked it, including my mother. And that was it. Either people didn't read it, or people didn't care. I kind of wanted reactions. But I didn't. So that was interesting.
I have Dissociative Identity Disorder
October 27, 2014 at 12:48pm
A few weeks ago, one of those ribbon pictures (this one was green) went around Facebook. It said:Mental Illness Awareness Week is October 5-11.Many people I know reposted the ribbon, and declared the mental illness they are living with. I did too:
1 in 4 people live with mental illness.
Speak out and end the stigma.
I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. With the help of my friends and family, I am living healthily within my condition.
I had very mixed feelings about declaring my condition. There was a lot of fear. Posting that meant admitting it publicly, in writing. Most of the people I know already know that I'm a multiple. But not all of them. And it's Facebook; most people didn't even read what I wrote, and those who did were already friends, at least to the extent that I am friends with them on Facebook. But putting it out there in writing, where I couldn't control face-to-face who I'm telling, that was scary. So what was the backlash? Two friends 'liked' the post, both of whom already knew, and one of whom is a multiple herself. That was it.
I've thought about this for a couple of weeks, and I've decided I am ready to be more public about being a multiple. I've told everyone close to me, everyone important to me. Some of my extended family don't know; my coworkers don't know. Of course, I don't have coworkers on my Facebook, except those I am friends with separate from work.
So this may be a surprise to some of you reading this. Like everything else in my life, I'm happy to answer any questions you're ready to ask me. If you don't ask any, I'll try to respect your choice and not bring the subject up. I'm going to answer a few basic questions about DID - and my experience of it - here. If there are questions you think I should answer, please comment them and I'll do my best with them.
Terms
- multiple, multiplicity - I don't like the term Dissociative Identity Disorder. I don't feel disordered; I'm functioning okay. So I prefer to say I'm a multiple and talk about my multiplicity instead.
- alter, other, personality - There are several people that share my body. I use the term 'alter' a lot; other multiples don't like the term.
- front - The front is the position controlling the body; to front is to be in that position.
- switch - We take turns being in control of the body. A switch is when we change who is in control
- switchy - If we are switching rapidly, or feel like a switch is imminent. Sometimes several alters are paying close attention to the outside world.
- mixey, co-conscious (co-con) - Sometimes two alters can share control of the body.
- little - Alters who are children are common in multiples. I have two littles.
- age-slider - Alters don't always stay the same. One of my littles is an age slider; sometimes he is younger, sometimes older.
- trigger warning - Some things 'trigger', or bring out, certain alters, sometimes unexpectedly and perhaps forcefully. Multiples have to learn what triggers certain alters and be ready to deal with them.
- integration - This can be a triggering concept to multiples. The therapy world defaults to integrating multiples, helping them combine and merge until they are a single whole person. Many multiples resist this idea. I am one of them; I enjoy being a multiple and would not undo it if I could.
How long have you been a multiple?
I diagnosed myself in the spring and summer of 2009. So I've known for over 5 years now. But I've probably always been splintered. In retrospect, I have recognized at least one of my alters in my behavior about 20 years ago. I have very few clear memories of my childhood, and that is likely because I wasn't present for all of it.
How many of you are there, and can I meet them all?
The exact makeup of my internal cast varies from time to time, but I usually come back to having about nine of us. Some of us are very friendly, but others don't come out except for very specific situations. Some alters will make their own friends, if they find certain people 'safe' to be around. If you want to meet and/or befriend individuals, you should talk to me separately about that.
What if I don't like your alters, or don't want to deal with it?
That's fine. This is my issue, my condition - my reality - not yours. Until you've met anyone other than Martha, then Martha is who I am to you. It's like meeting someone who is part of a family. You don't have to like their brothers and sisters to be friends with them. You probably have to learn to get along with their siblings if you end up being really close with them, though.
What is it like to have other people in your head?
There is no one way to describe it. Every person experiences it differently. Each alter may experience it differently as well. And it changes over time. I have found one video that showed an experience that 'felt' right; here's the link - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjTOs1L3SBg. The one thing I hate about it is that is takes place in a mental institution setting; which really is unnecessary for most multiples.
Do you think I might be a multiple?
There is no way that I can answer this for another person. Everyone has moments of dissociation. For most people, they pass. If you're asking the question, it's probably a 'no'. I accepted that I was a multiple when I really just couldn't deny it any more. Sometimes I find myself doubting it again, but then I switch and can't possibly deny it.
I want to learn more - where can I do my own research?
- WebMD's description: http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/dissociative-identity-disorder-multiple-personality-disorder
- Essortment's description: http://www.essortment.com/dissociative-identity-disorder-16819.html
- There are many many books written by or about multiples. Some are good; some are awful.
Can I read your blog?
- Many multiples keep a blog of their experiences. I suggest you search on your own.
My blog goes into a lot of detail about being multiple, but it also goes into detail about other areas of my life that I'm not willing to be really public with. So if you'd like to read it, please ask me for the address, but I may decline to share it with you.
And then I waited to see what would happen. Boss's mother said something supportive. Seven people liked it, including my mother. And that was it. Either people didn't read it, or people didn't care. I kind of wanted reactions. But I didn't. So that was interesting.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
The Egg [Me]
I read this today and wanted to share it. It speaks to my beliefs.
I also found a few videos that mostly follow it. The better ones, in my opinion:
- http://youtu.be/ehRggplMieM
- http://youtu.be/pgHvGg_2Lew
- http://youtu.be/d2VxMJzBsuM
The Egg
By: Andy Weir
You were on your way home when you died.
It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.
And that’s when you met me.
“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”
“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.
“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”
“Yup,” I said.
“I… I died?”
“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.
You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”
“More or less,” I said.
“Are you god?” You asked.
“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”
“My kids… my wife,” you said.
“What about them?”
“Will they be all right?”
“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”
You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”
“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”
“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”
“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”
“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”
You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”
“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”
“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”
“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”
I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.
“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”
“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”
“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”
“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”
“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”
“Where you come from?” You said.
“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”
“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”
“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”
“So what’s the point of it all?”
“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”
“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.
I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”
“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”
“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”
“Just me? What about everyone else?”
“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”
You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”
“All you. Different incarnations of you.”
“Wait. I’m everyone!?”
“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.
“I’m every human being who ever lived?”
“Or who will ever live, yes.”
“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”
“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.
“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.
“And you’re the millions he killed.”
“I’m Jesus?”
“And you’re everyone who followed him.”
You fell silent.
“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”
You thought for a long time.
“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”
“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”
“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”
“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”
“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”
“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”
And I sent you on your way.
Friday, October 17, 2014
Roof Woes [Me]
And cue new depression. On top of everything else, I still have a house I'm trying to sell. It's been up for sell for over four months. It's a fixer-upper; there are things that need repaired. And it's priced to reflect that. The tub needs covered/replaced, paint and carpet need done. But now the roof is leaking. It looks like I'm going to be paying for a roof before I'm able to sell the house. And I'm so broke. I assume I'm looking at 5 or 6 thousand dollars, which means a loan. It's really upsetting me, mostly because I feel so helpless.
I want to just switch out and let someone else be out, someone that isn't responsible for thinking about the house. One of the kids, or whoever it is that keeps wanting to hide in the closet. But I'm also working. I have to stay out and do my job and fight off the upset helplessness.
I want to just switch out and let someone else be out, someone that isn't responsible for thinking about the house. One of the kids, or whoever it is that keeps wanting to hide in the closet. But I'm also working. I have to stay out and do my job and fight off the upset helplessness.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Pissed Off beats Pissed On [Me]
You know what pushes back depression for me? Being pissed off at whatever I was depressed about. It doesn't stop the sadness, but it sure pushes it out of the way for a while.
The current target of my depression-turned-to-anger is MK. Lately he's been willing to have conversation with Boss and Metamour, but when I try to engage him, I get a quick monosyllable and he retreats to his room. Date Night last week didn't happen, because he worked late and then didn't want to be around anybody when he did make it home. This has been going on for about two weeks now. I stopped him and called him on it once; his defense is that work is really stressful right now and his coworker is keeping him upset. But I'm not buying it; why, then, is he pushing away the one person who wants to help him feel better and wants more than anything just to be around him? And why is he okay chatting with everyone in the house except me? I spent about a week and half being sad and unhappy and flinching when he accelerated past me without even acknowledging me.
I've tried speaking to him; I've sent him texts and Facebook messages. He's mostly ignoring those, too, except the ones I send repeatedly, insisting on an answer. And then it's monosyllabic. One issue is parking at our house. Some recent events have resulted in all the vehicles being in different spots than usual. I asked him for a discussion about it. No response at all. I suggested a solution, and got back something like, "No, don't do it. I'll fix things eventually." Not good enough. I asked a question about that. No response. So I gave up and enacted my solution because I couldn't get him to discuss it with me and things were in the way and needed dealt with. He waited until I was at work, and rearranged things back to being in the way. So I'm pissed off that he won't discuss it with me, and won't leave my solution alone, and things are still in the way.
But you know what? Being pissed off doesn't feel nearly as bad as being sad and hurt that I'm being ignored. So I'll try to maintain it a while.
And you know who does pissed off well? Rubi. And she just doesn't care if he ignores her. Not that she'd admit, at least. So if it seems like Rubi's out a little more for a while, it's MK's fault. Enjoy.
The current target of my depression-turned-to-anger is MK. Lately he's been willing to have conversation with Boss and Metamour, but when I try to engage him, I get a quick monosyllable and he retreats to his room. Date Night last week didn't happen, because he worked late and then didn't want to be around anybody when he did make it home. This has been going on for about two weeks now. I stopped him and called him on it once; his defense is that work is really stressful right now and his coworker is keeping him upset. But I'm not buying it; why, then, is he pushing away the one person who wants to help him feel better and wants more than anything just to be around him? And why is he okay chatting with everyone in the house except me? I spent about a week and half being sad and unhappy and flinching when he accelerated past me without even acknowledging me.
I've tried speaking to him; I've sent him texts and Facebook messages. He's mostly ignoring those, too, except the ones I send repeatedly, insisting on an answer. And then it's monosyllabic. One issue is parking at our house. Some recent events have resulted in all the vehicles being in different spots than usual. I asked him for a discussion about it. No response at all. I suggested a solution, and got back something like, "No, don't do it. I'll fix things eventually." Not good enough. I asked a question about that. No response. So I gave up and enacted my solution because I couldn't get him to discuss it with me and things were in the way and needed dealt with. He waited until I was at work, and rearranged things back to being in the way. So I'm pissed off that he won't discuss it with me, and won't leave my solution alone, and things are still in the way.
But you know what? Being pissed off doesn't feel nearly as bad as being sad and hurt that I'm being ignored. So I'll try to maintain it a while.
And you know who does pissed off well? Rubi. And she just doesn't care if he ignores her. Not that she'd admit, at least. So if it seems like Rubi's out a little more for a while, it's MK's fault. Enjoy.
Monday, September 22, 2014
Parental Pride [Me]
When I was a young mother, I lived with my best friend, my almost-sister. She had a son only a few months younger than my daughter. So for all intents and purposes, the two of us were parents to the two toddlers. They were raised as brother and sister. As they got older, even when we no longer lived together, I continued to claim the boy as my own. He is now 21 years old, living with several other people his age while going to college. I'm terribly proud of him. Especially when I receive a random text from him like this:
I'm very proud of that boy.
We were going through the town where he lives recently, and stayed with him for the night. When we got there, he was all frustrated because he hadn't been able to arrange the house to his frustration. They had only recently moved in, and his roommates didn't see arranging the furniture as the priority that he did. So he was a bit apologetic when we got there. "But the bathroom," he said, "the bathroom looks good." When he was a middle-school-aged child, cleaning the bathroom had been his job. He wiped down the mirror and the sink, and cleaned the toilet, and I gave him a dollar or two for it. And he always did a very thoughtful job, trying as hard as he could. So I checked out the bathroom. And it was clean. It was well-decorated and neat and supplied.
The boy had done good. Which means I had, as well.
hey thanks for showing me how clean things are supposed to be, and how money is to be used, and trying to put math into my mathless brain, and feeding me
I'm very proud of that boy.
We were going through the town where he lives recently, and stayed with him for the night. When we got there, he was all frustrated because he hadn't been able to arrange the house to his frustration. They had only recently moved in, and his roommates didn't see arranging the furniture as the priority that he did. So he was a bit apologetic when we got there. "But the bathroom," he said, "the bathroom looks good." When he was a middle-school-aged child, cleaning the bathroom had been his job. He wiped down the mirror and the sink, and cleaned the toilet, and I gave him a dollar or two for it. And he always did a very thoughtful job, trying as hard as he could. So I checked out the bathroom. And it was clean. It was well-decorated and neat and supplied.
The boy had done good. Which means I had, as well.
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