It's pretty much been a month since MK and I have spent any kind of good time together. He has started talking to Metamour and my daughter, so I have some trickle of information. It sounds like he's mad at me for not spending enough time with him. So to punish me, he's cut me off cold and refuses to spend any time with me. Yeah, you read that right.
I'm fed up with this cold-shoulder-silent-treatment crap. That's no way for any kind of grownup to deal with another grownup. Relationships require communication, which is something he and I have always struggled with. He wants more time with me; I want him to talk to me and to be able to talk to him. I've worked hard to be patient with him through this episode, but it's been close enough to a month now. I'm done.
Heck, maybe he's already decided we've broken up. Of course, he hasn't told me this. But he has. I'm a lot closer to the Metamour than to him at this point, and most of that is bonding over her moving out! So the real question now is whether he's moving out or transitioning to 'roommate'. I've looked in his room; he's not packed anything up or anything. So I'm assuming he's now a roommate. I guess we'll see if he says anything when he pays his rent this weekend.
I was patient for a long time, trying to give him time to work through his fit. I fought off being depressed about it like I usually am. And I was unexpectedly pretty successful. I can only rip my own heart out over the same thing so many times before I stop and wait to see what happens if I don't. Apparently the silence becomes status quo. Fine. I'm done. I've gotten depressed and angry and sad. Now I'm going to push it aside and deal with the things in my life I can do something with.
On the other hand, Boss and I are doing much better. Some of that's because he doesn't have jealousy opportunities with MK. Some of it's because Metamour is actively working on moving out. A lot of it's because he's making a huge effort to be supportive and loving and playful and sweet with me.
And I'm trying to return it. I'm not good at it, turns out, but I'm trying. I am a selfish person - I tell people this and they don't believe me, but I know this is true. It's all about me. Well, isn't that true for everyone? If you pay attention to me, I pay it back. If you ignore me, I go do something else.
So here we are. In January, we were a poly-quad family. Now we're apparently a couple, with his ex-girlfriend and my newly-ex-boyfriend and my daughter all living with us. Sounds like some kind of reality show. Not a good one.
Monday, April 27, 2015
Friday, April 17, 2015
Focus on the Bright Side [Me]
I'm going to gripe now. Read at your own risk.
The Bad - MK's giving me the cold shoulder. He hasn't said three words at a time to me for over two weeks. Don't know why.
The Good - I've had a lot of extra 'me' time lately that normally would be spent with him, and it's been pretty pleasant, as long as I've kept my emotions in check.
The Bad - My company laid off over 20 people this morning. While the rest of those that still have a job went drinking together, I stayed at work at shut down software access for those folks.
The Good - I still have a job. And I went home early.
The Bad - My period just started.
The Good - One more confirmation I'm not pregnant.
The Bad - MK's giving me the cold shoulder. He hasn't said three words at a time to me for over two weeks. Don't know why.
The Good - I've had a lot of extra 'me' time lately that normally would be spent with him, and it's been pretty pleasant, as long as I've kept my emotions in check.
The Bad - My company laid off over 20 people this morning. While the rest of those that still have a job went drinking together, I stayed at work at shut down software access for those folks.
The Good - I still have a job. And I went home early.
The Bad - My period just started.
The Good - One more confirmation I'm not pregnant.
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Status Update (Me)
Catching up again. I keep catching up so that I can then post about something I want to talk about, but I don't seem to get past the catching up. Maybe this time?
No big changes in my head. Sam and Rubi came out to play at the club this past weekend (I'm finally healthy enough to play reasonably again!), and Paul and Kiara come out from time to time, though not nearly as much as they used to. Glass is still there in the background, and that seems to be it.
The dental work is done - I had two teeth pulled, and I've recovered from that. MK has been having some dental work too, and he's about done - including two teeth pulled. Boss started his new job, and once the health benefits kick in, he can get his dental work done.
One reason that we've been able to get the dental stuff worked on is that there is more money in the household, because I SOLD THE HOUSE! After almost a year on the market, I'm no longer paying a mortgage on a house I don't live in. That's had a lot of trickle-down effects on us. First, the money to do the dental work. Second, my daughter lost her place to stay, so she's camping at our house, in Paul and Kiara's room upstairs. That could be contributing to their being out less, maybe? I don't know. Third, we've rebalanced how much money each of us is contributing to the Household pot. Which means Boss gets some fiscal relief, too.
He'll need the extra money to buy a car before long. He's driving my truck for now to the new job, which seems to be working out just fine. It does mean he leaves much earlier in the day and comes home later, and I don't get to carpool with him. That's taken away some 'together-time' that we really could use. We're still struggling to redefine our relationship without a collar involved, as well as our/the three of us relationship.
Metamour is still working on getting out. She thought she had a job, but then spent a week in the hospital and had surgery and all. She's recovering well, and should be much healthier than she has been, but the initial job is now unsuitable for her. The first goal was for her to move out by the first of April, and she hasn't, but we didn't really expect to make that goal. She is doing a lot of searching for jobs and apartments, however, and seems to be genuinely trying.
The biggest worry I have right now is MK. Boss and I are arguing a good bit, and because of that I'm focusing a lot on trying to fix some of those issues, and in the meantime I'm ignoring MK way more than is fair. However, the fights Boss and I are having are more airing of grievances between equals than they were before, and I feel like we're struggling instead of just plain failing. I'm not as depressed, just frustrated. The good side of the relationship stuff is that MK and Boss and I are all going out as a group of three more often. Usually to the movies, but that usually means a meal before or after as well. I do find that encouraging.
I think that as Metamour does eventually get moved out, and my daughter gets a place of her own, the three of us are beginning to have a chance to work. So I'm still feeling hopeful overall, even if I have moments of feeling doomed and failing.
No big changes in my head. Sam and Rubi came out to play at the club this past weekend (I'm finally healthy enough to play reasonably again!), and Paul and Kiara come out from time to time, though not nearly as much as they used to. Glass is still there in the background, and that seems to be it.
The dental work is done - I had two teeth pulled, and I've recovered from that. MK has been having some dental work too, and he's about done - including two teeth pulled. Boss started his new job, and once the health benefits kick in, he can get his dental work done.
One reason that we've been able to get the dental stuff worked on is that there is more money in the household, because I SOLD THE HOUSE! After almost a year on the market, I'm no longer paying a mortgage on a house I don't live in. That's had a lot of trickle-down effects on us. First, the money to do the dental work. Second, my daughter lost her place to stay, so she's camping at our house, in Paul and Kiara's room upstairs. That could be contributing to their being out less, maybe? I don't know. Third, we've rebalanced how much money each of us is contributing to the Household pot. Which means Boss gets some fiscal relief, too.
He'll need the extra money to buy a car before long. He's driving my truck for now to the new job, which seems to be working out just fine. It does mean he leaves much earlier in the day and comes home later, and I don't get to carpool with him. That's taken away some 'together-time' that we really could use. We're still struggling to redefine our relationship without a collar involved, as well as our/the three of us relationship.
Metamour is still working on getting out. She thought she had a job, but then spent a week in the hospital and had surgery and all. She's recovering well, and should be much healthier than she has been, but the initial job is now unsuitable for her. The first goal was for her to move out by the first of April, and she hasn't, but we didn't really expect to make that goal. She is doing a lot of searching for jobs and apartments, however, and seems to be genuinely trying.
The biggest worry I have right now is MK. Boss and I are arguing a good bit, and because of that I'm focusing a lot on trying to fix some of those issues, and in the meantime I'm ignoring MK way more than is fair. However, the fights Boss and I are having are more airing of grievances between equals than they were before, and I feel like we're struggling instead of just plain failing. I'm not as depressed, just frustrated. The good side of the relationship stuff is that MK and Boss and I are all going out as a group of three more often. Usually to the movies, but that usually means a meal before or after as well. I do find that encouraging.
I think that as Metamour does eventually get moved out, and my daughter gets a place of her own, the three of us are beginning to have a chance to work. So I'm still feeling hopeful overall, even if I have moments of feeling doomed and failing.
Monday, February 9, 2015
Resolutions, Not the New Years Kind (Me)
It's time to catch my readers up on what's going on. There are a number of situations that have impacted us lately that all seem to have been resolved or moving quickly toward a resolution. I feel like things are going to start getting better from this point on. Here's hoping.
Glass seems to be sticking around, but just in the background. Paul and Kiara have both been out a little bit lately; not back to normal, but enough that I'm not worried about them. Sam and Rubi haven't really been out, but I can hear them around inside. So we're back to six people for now.
I'm still dealing with dental work. We made two attempts at the root canal, and couldn't get it through. So we're having the tooth pulled, along with another that was slated for extraction. That'll be this Friday, and then that should be the end of things going on with my teeth, I hope.
I mentioned before that Boss lost his job about a month ago. There were a couple of jobs out of town that he was looking at; and I had already decided I wasn't willing to move out of town if he took them. So we were scared that the job thing was going to force us to break up. Well, last Friday he accepted a new job, and it's in town. So all the stress that goes with unemployment is handled. There may be a week or two break in the income stream, but we've already prepared for that.
Now, this means that Boss is going to need a car. I have a second vehicle, a truck, but my daughter has been driving it. Well, she bought a car this weekend, so we'll have the truck back. It's not a good choice for Boss to drive to/from work forever, but it'll do just fine for a while. Timing sometimes works out really well.
As part of the discussions about out-of-town jobs, MK and I talked a lot about whether he and I and Boss were a viable relationship. Even if Boss took a job in town, all of us splitting up and moving out separately was an option we were looking at. And we had to wait for a job to be picked up before we could really make any decisions. The three of us have decided to keep pushing to make things work. Knowing that we are all three committed to that really eases my mind and gives me some hope that we can succeed. I'm feeling pretty good about things in that realm now.
Part of what we have to work on is the change in my relationship with Boss. A few weeks back, just before the job loss was announced, I think, I decided I could no longer wear Boss's collar. I have tried to be his submissive, but I felt like I was failing at it all the time. I think part of that comes from losing Cherish and Stephanie, and even Gracelyn. So we are going to try being boyfriend and girlfriend (and boyfriend) instead. This is new territory for us, but hopefully this will turn into something where we all feel like we're succeeding more.
Now, I did say the three of us, and there are four people in our family. It's been decided that the Metamour will be transitioning out of our household over the next few months. That relationship has just not proved to be salvageable, so we're working on changing that. So now she's doing the job search thing, and trying to plan out what she's going to be doing instead. That has the potential to turn into a lot of stress in the household, but we're all going to help her as much as we can reasonably do so.
Oh, and I'm finally over the Yearly Ick. With all the situations beginning to resolve, the despair and hopelessness and depression is lifting. So things are looking up, and I think they'll continue to do so.
Glass seems to be sticking around, but just in the background. Paul and Kiara have both been out a little bit lately; not back to normal, but enough that I'm not worried about them. Sam and Rubi haven't really been out, but I can hear them around inside. So we're back to six people for now.
I'm still dealing with dental work. We made two attempts at the root canal, and couldn't get it through. So we're having the tooth pulled, along with another that was slated for extraction. That'll be this Friday, and then that should be the end of things going on with my teeth, I hope.
I mentioned before that Boss lost his job about a month ago. There were a couple of jobs out of town that he was looking at; and I had already decided I wasn't willing to move out of town if he took them. So we were scared that the job thing was going to force us to break up. Well, last Friday he accepted a new job, and it's in town. So all the stress that goes with unemployment is handled. There may be a week or two break in the income stream, but we've already prepared for that.
Now, this means that Boss is going to need a car. I have a second vehicle, a truck, but my daughter has been driving it. Well, she bought a car this weekend, so we'll have the truck back. It's not a good choice for Boss to drive to/from work forever, but it'll do just fine for a while. Timing sometimes works out really well.
As part of the discussions about out-of-town jobs, MK and I talked a lot about whether he and I and Boss were a viable relationship. Even if Boss took a job in town, all of us splitting up and moving out separately was an option we were looking at. And we had to wait for a job to be picked up before we could really make any decisions. The three of us have decided to keep pushing to make things work. Knowing that we are all three committed to that really eases my mind and gives me some hope that we can succeed. I'm feeling pretty good about things in that realm now.
Part of what we have to work on is the change in my relationship with Boss. A few weeks back, just before the job loss was announced, I think, I decided I could no longer wear Boss's collar. I have tried to be his submissive, but I felt like I was failing at it all the time. I think part of that comes from losing Cherish and Stephanie, and even Gracelyn. So we are going to try being boyfriend and girlfriend (and boyfriend) instead. This is new territory for us, but hopefully this will turn into something where we all feel like we're succeeding more.
Now, I did say the three of us, and there are four people in our family. It's been decided that the Metamour will be transitioning out of our household over the next few months. That relationship has just not proved to be salvageable, so we're working on changing that. So now she's doing the job search thing, and trying to plan out what she's going to be doing instead. That has the potential to turn into a lot of stress in the household, but we're all going to help her as much as we can reasonably do so.
Oh, and I'm finally over the Yearly Ick. With all the situations beginning to resolve, the despair and hopelessness and depression is lifting. So things are looking up, and I think they'll continue to do so.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Littles' Party
No more posts recently because we've been completely unhappy. Relationships are falling apart; Boss lost his job; we've all been sick; I have both a tooth extraction and a root canal coming up. I don't know what's happening or going to happen. So I'll try to write about just the multiplicity part.
Since about Christmas, I've been sick. I call it my 'Yearly Ick', because I get it around the holidays each year.When I'm sick, nobody wants to come out in the body. When I'm fighting with Boss, nobody wants to come out and be around him. So I've been very much alone in the body for weeks now. In the last week or so, I've finally started to feel healthy enough that some alters will sneak out for short bursts. I have a video game on my tablet that Paul seems to like a lot. Kiara's got new toys since Christmas, as well as a new mattress in their room upstairs. So she's been out some. Sam came out just long enough to tease MK about something - poorly, because he didn't know it was her and it was about a sensitive subject - which lead to me having to offer an apology. She really doesn't know how to interact with him well.
But last night there was a Littles' Party at the club, and Kiara was definitely excited about it. All week, she's been coming out closer and closer to the front, letting me know what she planned to wear and what she wanted to take with her. When both MK and Boss indicated they'd like to go, well... new fighting, but it was resolved. So we all went. And almost had no kids at all.
The party hostess for the night is someone that seems to really want to be bestest friends with each of my alters and each of Boss's. However, most of us really just don't like her. She tries too hard. It feels like she wants to be friends with us just to be able to say, "Well, I'm close friends with several multiples, and..." So as we came in the door, all as our primary selves, carrying bags and needing to check in, she off and greets our littles by name, Kiara and Boss's little too. Since neither of them were out, but were all excited inside because they new they were coming to a party, it was really triggery. Kiara almost refused to come out at all at that point. I knew that wouldn't last, so we just got dressed in her clothes and let her calm down. But Boss's little is pretty shy anyway, so I knew that would be bad for him. Either way, everyone managed to have a low-key good time and play some.
Since about Christmas, I've been sick. I call it my 'Yearly Ick', because I get it around the holidays each year.When I'm sick, nobody wants to come out in the body. When I'm fighting with Boss, nobody wants to come out and be around him. So I've been very much alone in the body for weeks now. In the last week or so, I've finally started to feel healthy enough that some alters will sneak out for short bursts. I have a video game on my tablet that Paul seems to like a lot. Kiara's got new toys since Christmas, as well as a new mattress in their room upstairs. So she's been out some. Sam came out just long enough to tease MK about something - poorly, because he didn't know it was her and it was about a sensitive subject - which lead to me having to offer an apology. She really doesn't know how to interact with him well.
But last night there was a Littles' Party at the club, and Kiara was definitely excited about it. All week, she's been coming out closer and closer to the front, letting me know what she planned to wear and what she wanted to take with her. When both MK and Boss indicated they'd like to go, well... new fighting, but it was resolved. So we all went. And almost had no kids at all.
The party hostess for the night is someone that seems to really want to be bestest friends with each of my alters and each of Boss's. However, most of us really just don't like her. She tries too hard. It feels like she wants to be friends with us just to be able to say, "Well, I'm close friends with several multiples, and..." So as we came in the door, all as our primary selves, carrying bags and needing to check in, she off and greets our littles by name, Kiara and Boss's little too. Since neither of them were out, but were all excited inside because they new they were coming to a party, it was really triggery. Kiara almost refused to come out at all at that point. I knew that wouldn't last, so we just got dressed in her clothes and let her calm down. But Boss's little is pretty shy anyway, so I knew that would be bad for him. Either way, everyone managed to have a low-key good time and play some.
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Remix. Again. [Me]
Looks like the personality matrix has gone through a remix again. I've put off admitting it, even to myself. Because writing it down makes it more true. But I haven't seen several alters in a long time, and we have been seeing a new one. It's time to admit it, I guess.
Me, Sam, and Rubi are still the 'Big Girls'.
Kiara and Paul are still the kids in the group.
Paul has settled with ages 3,9, and 15 pretty well.
I haven't seen Cherish or Stephanie in months.
I've quit hearing Gracelyn even inside, even when I ask for her, look for her.
I don't think they're coming back. I'm putting up their nametags, into their 'personal effects' boxes. If they return, then I'll bring the nametags back out. But like Jarett, I feel like they may be so far inside they won't return.
Silent One isn't there either. There have been situations where it should have come out, when I was hurting terribly and trying desperately to absent myself, and it just didn't come out. It surprised me. My last resort is gone. But there is the 'closet person' who has been coming out more. When everything gets loud and overwhelming, I've been wanting to just retreat into a small space. And on the occasion I can actually do so, it feels very calming and peaceful. I can lose the upset as long as I'm in that small space.
I talked about that one in this post before. It's time to name that one so I can refer to her. I'd like to reuse Gracelyn's nametag, which has GL on it. The flower on the tag feels right for the newer alter. So I do baby name searches, and I get:
Glayd, Glaide - meadow
Glaine, Glayn, Glayne - jewel
Glenys, Glinys - holy, fair one
Outside the name searches, I find a few other words that have some feeling about them that works:
Glass, Glance, Gleam, Glow
It's hard to match a name to an alter that doesn't just announce who they are. But I can 'see' her 'aura' brighten with the amount of pleasure she takes in each, as I focus inside. Again, English is inadequate here. Glass seems to please her the most. And once I wrote that sentence, she 'turned' and went further inside. I guess that's the answer then. Her name is Glass.
Goodbye, Cherish, Stephanie, and Gracelyn. Hello, Glass.
Me, Sam, and Rubi are still the 'Big Girls'.
Kiara and Paul are still the kids in the group.
Paul has settled with ages 3,9, and 15 pretty well.
I haven't seen Cherish or Stephanie in months.
I've quit hearing Gracelyn even inside, even when I ask for her, look for her.
I don't think they're coming back. I'm putting up their nametags, into their 'personal effects' boxes. If they return, then I'll bring the nametags back out. But like Jarett, I feel like they may be so far inside they won't return.
Silent One isn't there either. There have been situations where it should have come out, when I was hurting terribly and trying desperately to absent myself, and it just didn't come out. It surprised me. My last resort is gone. But there is the 'closet person' who has been coming out more. When everything gets loud and overwhelming, I've been wanting to just retreat into a small space. And on the occasion I can actually do so, it feels very calming and peaceful. I can lose the upset as long as I'm in that small space.
I talked about that one in this post before. It's time to name that one so I can refer to her. I'd like to reuse Gracelyn's nametag, which has GL on it. The flower on the tag feels right for the newer alter. So I do baby name searches, and I get:
Glayd, Glaide - meadow
Glaine, Glayn, Glayne - jewel
Glenys, Glinys - holy, fair one
Outside the name searches, I find a few other words that have some feeling about them that works:
Glass, Glance, Gleam, Glow
It's hard to match a name to an alter that doesn't just announce who they are. But I can 'see' her 'aura' brighten with the amount of pleasure she takes in each, as I focus inside. Again, English is inadequate here. Glass seems to please her the most. And once I wrote that sentence, she 'turned' and went further inside. I guess that's the answer then. Her name is Glass.
Goodbye, Cherish, Stephanie, and Gracelyn. Hello, Glass.
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