Happy Day [Me]

Today I am happy. Not about anything in particular, but just generally happy.

Teaching is going well:
I'll be teaching Kink 101 at Akaicon this weekend. And I'm ready. The presentation looks good.
I've got Kink 101 on September 14 planned and set up, and I've started getting the word out.
We're not going to do Pro 101 again until maybe Spring 2015, so I'm not worrying about that.
The Education Committee at the club is all set and working on things. I've revamped my Dungeon 101 class to be specific to that venue and be the club's Dungeon 101 class.

Relationships are going pretty well:
Boss and I are doing well. The anti-anxiety meds are making a big difference. We've had some really great scenes and talks lately, and are doing pretty well together.
MK has had some rough times the last couple of weeks and has withdrawn, but he seems to be coming back out of that phase now.
Metamour and Boss aren't so touchy around each other, so I guess they've settled out a bit.

Family stuff is a mixed bag:
The daughter is coming home on Monday. I'm really looking forward to seeing her.
My father is still dying, but he's gradually deteriorating. The end is coming soon, but we got to see him and say goodbye while he was still pretty coherent.
My mom and step-dad lost their dog recently, but otherwise seem to be doing well. I miss them, though.

Work is going fine, nothing majorly negative or positive. I like my job, which is a great thing to be able to say.

Improving Slowly [Me]

Things are improving, though erratically. I feel like we're at least on an upward swing, finally. And by 'we', I mean the whole family, this time.

Last week I went out-of-state with MK to visit his mother. A thousand-mile trip through four states in five days. It was mostly a working vacation, as we emptied out some things he had in storage there and packed them up to bring home. But I got to spend some serious quality time with MK, something that I've felt has been lacking for a while now. We talked a lot, and I feel pretty secure in my relationship there.

I was dreading the homecoming from the trip. Boss and I had fought a lot the weekend before, when I had left. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him, either, as he left for work just minutes before I got up. Frustrating. I got a message from the Metamour during the trip that he was really flipping out and losing control, and he was finally breaking down enough to search for a therapist or a doctor or something. Unfortunately, that search is not going super-well, as the doctor of our choice is having to close up shop.

But when I got home, things were... good. He had come to some realizations. And he missed me. And I missed him. We had a good play-scene at the club, and actually talked and made up a bit. There wasn't a huge crash on Sunday, so we didn't have that usual fight. We just hung out, and I really appreciated it.

He's still searching for a doctor, but he did start on the anti-anxiety meds I'm on. And they seem to be making a difference, both for him and for me. They aren't strong, but they do seem to mellow things out a little, just enough to let me/him step back and see if it's worth being upset about.

That leaves the Metamour. She and Boss were a bit strained before I went out of state, but I think they must have talked some things out while I was gone, because they seem less stressed around each other now.

So yeah, it feels like there are some improvements in mood all around. There have been several showings of my house for sale. My daughter is coming home soon from her job - oh, and she did get to go see my Dad for a day, just before he got much worse. So that's a relief that she got to see him. I got back to work and nothing fell horribly apart while I was gone, but things were busy enough that I feel I was missed. Money is tight, but doable. I am hopeful.

I Hate Sundays [Me]

Another Sunday, another fight. Seems we always fight on Sundays. Usually it's Boss that's all grumpy and/or hateful. When by some miracle he's not all pissy, I am. And on the super-rare occasion that both of us are actually okay, MK will end up in a bad mood. It's reliable enough that when MK asks what's wrong, why I'm in a bad mood, it's usually enough to just point out that it's Sunday, and he knows that Boss and I have been fighting.

What do we fight over? He wants to sleep in and I don't. I did sleep in and he couldn't sleep. What are we having for lunch and when? Are we going to go work out or not? There's a mess in the sunroom. I'm ignoring him by going to play with legos. I'm ignoring him by going out looking for yard sales. I feel smothered and pawed-upon and need some alone time. He feels like we haven't spent enough time together lately and needs to be close to my physically. I'm hot and don't want to be touched. He was looking forward to a day of doing nothing, and I'm bored. I had stuff planned that I need to get done this weekend and he's asleep. I feel like I'm neglecting my relationship with MK and Boss feels I'm neglecting my relationship with him. The laundry still isn't done and it's Sunday. We need to do some work around the house, but it'll make noise and the Metamour is sleeping.

I fucking hate Sundays.

Now Drugged for Your Protection... [Me]

My mood swings have been improving lately. I asked the doctor to set me up on some anxiety meds to calm me down. He put me on Vistaril, which is anti-anxiety, anti-psychotic, and oddly enough, antihistamine. It's actually helping more than I anticipated, though of course I wonder how much of that is because I was told it would work. The anger flashes are still happening, but more rarely, and of much less intensity. The depression and sadness are still there, but I feel a little bit removed from them. They don't seem to be as all-consuming. So that's good.

The major side effect is that I get horribly sleepy after taking it - sometimes. Some nights thirty minutes after I take it, and some nights a couple of hours after taking it. Some nights I haven't seen any problem. But I get drugged-sleepy, like nearly walking into walls sleepy. Last week, it hit me hard on date night with MK, and all I could do was go to bed. He laid nearby with me, but that was the whole date. Wow, excitement...

I was worried that it would affect my switching about. All drugs, as well as stress, seem to affect my switching about. And I'm switching less, but I am switching, and I can mostly control it. So I don't think I've 'lost' anyone, or dropped the ability to deal with my multiplicity because of the drugs. Honestly, I see the less switching as more a progression from how I was doing before finding out my dad was dying.

So I'm hoping the drowsiness will pass as I get more used to the drug. I am enjoying the deeper sleep at night, but I feel like I need a little extra time to sleep. So in theory, bedtime is earlier. We'll see if I can do it.

---

Dad went back to the hospital yesterday. It worried me; I had this flash of panic that 'this is it'. But this time it was complications from one of the meds he's on.

My daughter still hasn't been able to get free to go see him and say goodbye. I'm worried how she'll take it if she doesn't see him before it happens. She has the potential for a lot of guilt for not doing the right thing. And even though she hasn't ever been close to him, his dying will hurt her a lot more than it will me. She just feels more than I do, it seems.

I talked to Dad's wife before and after the ER trip yesterday. I ended up playing counselor for her, because she's struggling to do the right thing for Dad, to make the decisions with him and how he wants them. But his family (my family) is resisting her. She feels a lot of antagonism from them, specifically from one of my aunts. And I keep telling her to let that go, don't engage, and deal with this for Dad. The problem is, she deserves the resistance. Yes, the aunt in question can be overbearing and is known for marginalizing the spouses of her siblings, but the wife is pretty antagonistic and poisonous, too. For the last fifteen-plus years, I've avoided getting close to my dad because of his wife's venom. But he's dying, and I'll put up with her for his sake until he's gone. So here I am, playing counselor for this woman I don't like, trying to encourage her to get along with everyone for his sake.

How come I have to be the grown-up in this case? Yes, my aunt is losing her brother, and the wife is losing her husband. I'm losing my Daddy, too, you know.

Nametags [Me]

We finally got pictures of the nametags that Boss made for us! We wear these leather tags snapped onto our collar when we're around kink folk, so they know who they are talking to (if they want to). I've been wanting pictures of them for a while, and here they are!

Here are the main five that people might see at the club - Rubi, Sam, Me, Kiara, and Paul. You can see the blade and cuts all over for Rubi, the BDSM triskelion for Sam, my IDIC, Kiara's ladybug, and Paul's legos.

And then there are three more for alters that aren't likely to be seen at the club. Silent One doesn't have a tag because, really, you think it would put it on? Stephanie, Cherish, and Gracelyn are below. The symbol on the slaves' tags is for the House of Aten, which is how Boss identifies himself and his household. And Gracelyn has a purple flower.

Uncharacteristic Flashes of Anger

I'm struggling this week, more than last week. I'm definitely fighting off being depressed. And this time, it's coming in delightful little bursts of sarcasm and anger (that 'delightful' was sarcastic, if you didn't catch it). I'm getting flashes of being irrationally angry at people. And along with the anger comes a biting bitchy remark in my head that I'm just barely keeping from letting out my mouth. It would be acceptable if the target of said angry remarks deserved it, but that hasn't been true. It'll be something simple, like someone saying 'excuse me' to pass me in the hall, and I'll hear, loud and clear in my head, "Well if you weren't travelling down the WRONG side of the hallway, then it wouldn't be MY PROBLEM to get out of your FUCKING way!" It just totally out of proportion to whatever the micro-offense might be.

So I'm working hard to contain these flashes of anger, because they aren't justified, and they're about me, not about whoever I'm angry at. Oh, and I want to get angry at someone. I want to have a screaming, in-your-face, breaking plates and throwing things against the wall kind of fight with someone. Except the someones that are most likely the targets for a big fight are people that haven't done anything to make me angry; in fact they've tried to help me feel better.

At first I thought the anger was Rubi's. Anger is usually her emotion; she's a frothing pit of teenage anger. But it's not her; she's doing just fine. No, this is my anger.

The only thing I feel like I can potentially legitimately blame it on is that my father is dying. I'm not exactly sad about this. I mean I am, but it's not crippling sadness. He's been more or less out of my life for twenty years. It's a shame he and I didn't get to be friends again before he turned out to have deadly cancer in his brain. But it's not really going to change much in my day-to-day life. So I have trouble being really sad about it, except in little bursts when I'm actually thinking about it. Like now, because I'm writing about it.

So what else can I be depressed and angry about? Work's going great. I feel capable and appreciated and well-paid and encouraged. Best job I've ever had. My kink-teaching is going great, too. We just taught a Blade Play class and I'm teaching Dungeon 101 tonight. I've also submitted to teach at two cons this fall, the same ones I taught at last year. Soon it'll be time to start looking at teaching Pro101 again. Money's tight, but that's nothing new - and I can see a potential light at the end of the tunnel now that the old house is on the market. There's still a lot we need to find time to do on the house, but it's no longer an overwhelming amount. Just a few hours should do it.

The only place where things aren't all hopeful and nice are relationships. I knew all of us moving in together would require some adjustment. And it still is doing so. I don't get to spend much more time with MK than before he moved in. But I really love getting to just touch him or give him a quick hug as we all pass by going in and out. I know he's either depressed or kinda sick right now, but I don't know what I can do to help him. Boss is also in a pretty needy place right now. He needs me to be all touchy-feely-sexy with him and comfort him and reassure him that, even though my other boyfriend is in the house, he's still all-important and needed by me. But I'm so far from touchy-feely-sexy right now. I feel a huge aversion to touch right now, especially sexual touch, which is unusual for me, as is the anger. I need hugs and pats and then to be left alone at arm's reach. Which translates to Boss as 'Fine, I touched you. Now leave me alone.' But what I mean is, 'Here's a touch; it's all I can handle, and I want it to go to you.'

I am committed to both of my guys. I want the four of us (don't forget the Metamour!) to be together five years from now, ten years from now. But today, I really wish I lived by myself, so I could pout and mope and be miserable without anyone else around. And then I could scream and throw things against the wall until I felt better.