Tuesday, November 4, 2014

The Egg [Me]

I read this today and wanted to share it. It speaks to my beliefs. 
I also found a few videos that mostly follow it. The better ones, in my opinion:
- http://youtu.be/ehRggplMieM
- http://youtu.be/pgHvGg_2Lew
- http://youtu.be/d2VxMJzBsuM


The Egg
By: Andy Weir

You were on your way home when you died.
It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.
And that’s when you met me.
“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”
“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.
“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”
“Yup,” I said.
“I… I died?”
“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.
You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”
“More or less,” I said.
“Are you god?” You asked.
“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”
“My kids… my wife,” you said.
“What about them?”
“Will they be all right?”
“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”
You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”
“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”
“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”
“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”
“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”
You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”
“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”
“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”
“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”
I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.
“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”
“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”
“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”
“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”
“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”
“Where you come from?” You said.
“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”
“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”
“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”
“So what’s the point of it all?”
“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”
“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.
I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”
“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”
“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”
“Just me? What about everyone else?”
“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”
You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”
“All you. Different incarnations of you.”
“Wait. I’m everyone!?”
“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.
“I’m every human being who ever lived?”
“Or who will ever live, yes.”
“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”
“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.
“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.
“And you’re the millions he killed.”
“I’m Jesus?”
“And you’re everyone who followed him.”
You fell silent.
“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”
You thought for a long time.
“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”
“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”
“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”
“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”
“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”
“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”
And I sent you on your way.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Roof Woes [Me]

And cue new depression. On top of everything else, I still have a house I'm trying to sell. It's been up for sell for over four months. It's a fixer-upper; there are things that need repaired. And it's priced to reflect that. The tub needs covered/replaced, paint and carpet need done. But now the roof is leaking. It looks like I'm going to be paying for a roof before I'm able to sell the house. And I'm so broke. I assume I'm looking at 5 or 6 thousand dollars, which means a loan. It's really upsetting me, mostly because I feel so helpless.

I want to just switch out and let someone else be out, someone that isn't responsible for thinking about the house. One of the kids, or whoever it is that keeps wanting to hide in the closet. But I'm also working. I have to stay out and do my job and fight off the upset helplessness.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Pissed Off beats Pissed On [Me]

You know what pushes back depression for me? Being pissed off at whatever I was depressed about. It doesn't stop the sadness, but it sure pushes it out of the way for a while.

The current target of my depression-turned-to-anger is MK. Lately he's been willing to have conversation with Boss and Metamour, but when I try to engage him, I get a quick monosyllable and he retreats to his room. Date Night last week didn't happen, because he worked late and then didn't want to be around anybody when he did make it home. This has been going on for about two weeks now. I stopped him and called him on it once; his defense is that work is really stressful right now and his coworker is keeping him upset. But I'm not buying it; why, then, is he pushing away the one person who wants to help him feel better and wants more than anything just to be around him? And why is he okay chatting with everyone in the house except me? I spent about a week and half being sad and unhappy and flinching when he accelerated past me without even acknowledging me.

I've tried speaking to him; I've sent him texts and Facebook messages. He's mostly ignoring those, too, except the ones I send repeatedly, insisting on an answer. And then it's monosyllabic. One issue is parking at our house. Some recent events have resulted in all the vehicles being in different spots than usual. I asked him for a discussion about it. No response at all. I suggested a solution, and got back something like, "No, don't do it. I'll fix things eventually." Not good enough. I asked a question about that. No response. So I gave up and enacted my solution because I couldn't get him to discuss it with me and things were in the way and needed dealt with. He waited until I was at work, and rearranged things back to being in the way. So I'm pissed off that he won't discuss it with me, and won't leave my solution alone, and things are still in the way.

But you know what? Being pissed off doesn't feel nearly as bad as being sad and hurt that I'm being ignored. So I'll try to maintain it a while.

And you know who does pissed off well? Rubi. And she just doesn't care if he ignores her. Not that she'd admit, at least. So if it seems like Rubi's out a little more for a while, it's MK's fault. Enjoy.

Monday, September 22, 2014

Parental Pride [Me]

When I was a young mother, I lived with my best friend, my almost-sister. She had a son only a few months younger than my daughter. So for all intents and purposes, the two of us were parents to the two toddlers. They were raised as brother and sister. As they got older, even when we no longer lived together, I continued to claim the boy as my own. He is now 21 years old, living with several other people his age while going to college. I'm terribly proud of him. Especially when I receive a random text from him like this:

hey thanks for showing me how clean things are supposed to be, and how money is to be used, and trying to put math into my mathless brain, and feeding me

I'm very proud of that boy.

We were going through the town where he lives recently, and stayed with him for the night. When we got there, he was all frustrated because he hadn't been able to arrange the house to his frustration. They had only recently moved in, and his roommates didn't see arranging the furniture as the priority that he did. So he was a bit apologetic when we got there. "But the bathroom," he said, "the bathroom looks good." When he was a middle-school-aged child, cleaning the bathroom had been his job. He wiped down the mirror and the sink, and cleaned the toilet, and I gave him a dollar or two for it. And he always did a very thoughtful job, trying as hard as he could. So I checked out the bathroom. And it was clean. It was well-decorated and neat and supplied.

The boy had done good. Which means I had, as well.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Armpit Hair [Me]

Go read this first:
How my armpits inspired me to make conscious choices

These are my thoughts on the matter, posted on Facebook:

I shave my pits because I'm 'supposed to' and because people important to me have expressed it as a preference. But I hate shaving them. It makes me aware of my fat and my inability to contort myself in the ways necessary to do so. It means that I am self-conscious about when the last time is that I shaved and whether the shirt I've chosen for a day exposes that. This is one part of 'femininity' I have long considered trashing, along with the makeup and piles of jewelry I gave up long ago.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Catching Up [Me]

I want to write more, but things keep coming up, and I'm too busy to have a few minutes. Or am I just procrastinating dealing with it because there are easier happier things to deal with first?

We're still dealing with my father's death. This weekend we went out of town to pick up some of his stuff from his wife. It was a really annoying weekend; she didn't have things ready and kept putting us off. We were all sick or injured - Boss and my daughter went with me - and I'm still feeling crappy health-wise. There was no sleeping, since an impromptu party sprung up at the house in which we were staying. I made several fails in my planning and time and money management for the weekend. The club we visited while down there had a power outage. It was just a stressful trip. But it was also fun. When you reach a certain level of 'fail', you just throw up your hands and give up on anything planned. We reached that point and then just worried about enjoying each others' company. So we had fun, just didn't accomplish much of what we set out to do. Or what I set out to do, at least. And there's still things going on.

I'm definitely feeling stressed and depressed. Unfortunately, in trying to help me deal with that, my family made it worse last night. I really needed to get some things done and then have some time not with anyone else. I already have a tendency, when I come home, to need a few minutes to get settled in without anyone making any demands on me. But last night was like a magnification of that. Everyone seemed to want to talk to me or create something I needed to interrupt what I was doing to deal with. I know the idea was to support me and comfort me and tell me I didn't have to work on stuff right then. But I needed the stuff done so I could relax, and I needed left alone to get the stuff done. It was an ugly spiral, and I'm still really stressed about it. I got up early this morning just to have some time where no one would talk to me.

And I'm teaching this afternoon. I've got to be all happy and authoritative and friendly. When really I just want to curl up in my cave and read a book.

I made a cave in my closet with some pillows and a book and a light. I'm finding I need a retreat spot a lot lately. I think there's a new alter that needs it. Either a new alter, or an evolution of Silent One, since there are some similarities, and I don't 'see' Silent One anywhere. This one's human, at least, but I think somewhat feral. And non-verbal. At least this one's need to hide in the back of the closet is easier to deal with than some of Silent One's behaviors, or even those of the kids sometimes.

It seems that Paul's system has reorganized a bit. It started a while back, when Baby Paul Age 2 and Baby Paul Age 5 apparently merged into Baby Paul Age 3. Now Paul Age 8 and Paul Age 11 seem to have merged into Paul, age 9 or 10 maybe? So we have Big Paul (14), Middle Paul (9-10), and Baby Paul (3). I think that's easier to deal with? I don't know what it means, that he's consolidating. I know his Age 2, 5, 8, 11, and 14 choices had to do with the age he was when certain events happened in his 'other world life'. Maybe going to new ages means he's attaching himself to this world and this life more than the other one? He's trying to figure out how to relate to Boss more/better. And Boss is trying very hard not to pressure him and to make it easy for him.

I haven't had a whiff of Cherish or Stephanie or the original Silent One in many weeks, or even Gracelyn. I don't know what that means. Are they gone? Are they just not needed right now? It's like the lights are off inside, and I can't tell what's going on. Even Rubi's mostly missing. I could really use her right now. I'm having lots of quick anger, which isn't normal for me. That's usually her arena. But she can't top, because I've torn some muscle in my arm. And she can't bottom heavily, because we slipped a disk in my back. She tries not to come out and be around Boss much because her behavior is detrimental to our attempt for him to be dominant over my system. So she has no outlet, and I think her anger is 'leaking' out to me.

The only alters that seems reasonably normal are Kiara and Sam. Sam pops out for quick moments, as she's always done, and Kiara comes out when she wants to and is very strong, then stays away when she wants. She's not as happy as she used to be, and hasn't been for months, but she's very strong. Now that my daughter is living back in town, I know that's pleased Kiara a lot, but they haven't spent much time together, even so.