Breakup with The Bear [Me]

Okay, it's time to write, even though I really don't feel like it. But avoiding blogging has helped me clear a lot of stuff off my to-do list, so it's not all bad. My system's had a pretty heavy shock this week, and I'm avoiding dealing with the emotions involved.

I've ended things with the Bear, my sadist and sometime-dominant. We played together for about two years, but life has interfered to the point that we rarely get together at all. Add to that, he's now involved with a friend of mine, and doesn't seem to be able to be that close to both of us. I knew he is monogamously inclined, as he knew I am not.  But whereas I have no trouble having a play relationship with him and a romantic one elsewhere, he doesn't seem to be able to split the two.  And so, he has all but ignored my existence for several months, except when I've broken down and had a fit about it. And I fear that, should he give me a reasonable amount of attention, she won't be getting enough. He just isn't wired that way.

Unfortunately, I did see this coming; I even posted about it. But I have a bad habit of letting negative things drag out, hoping they will get better. This situation isn't getting any better, and I've been eating myself up inside over it for months. And the Boss has made me put an end to it. This week, he talked to me about it, and denied me permission to go to a party at the Bear's house. A party to which I would have gone, then come home miserable because I had been ignored again. Further, he said it was time to make the decision to end things and quit putting it off. And he was right. And I did. I wrote the Bear an email breaking things off definitively rather than just letting them fizzle out.

This is how the dominant/submissive relationship is supposed to play out. He didn't just decide on a whim that I should do something, and order it done. He isn't forcing me to change things in my life for his amusement. Instead, he's looking out for my well-being, and pushing me to make solid the decision I've been holding onto for way too long. He's helping me do what's right for me. That's what a dom is supposed to do. Now, because he does that, yes, sometimes he gets to make me do things for his own convenience or amusement. But those aren't the important interactions; ones like this one are the important ones.

Hanging With The Kiddo [Me]

Yesterday, I had some dental work done, with all the associated financial, physical, and emotional pain and mix-up that goes with that. But my after-dental care was a little different than usual. You see, my daughter is home from college. She's nineteen, and I came out to her last fall about being multiple. She's had a few brief glimpses of Kiara and Cherish in the past, but has never actually knowingly interacted with anyone other than her Mom. But since she was going to drive me home from the dentist, I warned her that she was likely to see some other alter out that afternoon, probably Kiara.

So we got home from the dentist and got settled in. We decided to curl up on the bed and watch a movie, so the kid was moving around setting that up when Kiara came out. The kid had just gone into the other room, and when she came back, she immediately said, "Hi Kiara." Just like they were good friends or something. It was wonderful to see.

You see, I expected that her recognition of an alter would go one of two ways. Scenario One - she identifies me so strongly as her mother that she would be unable to see me as anyone else. Scenario Two - she knows me so well that she would immediately know when I wasn't me. And I already suspected it would be the latter. When I was first talking to her about my being a multiple, she immediately pointed out a day that I wasn't acting normally and asked if that was an alter that day. She was right; Rubi was out that day. So I wasn't surprised when she 'caught the switch' and recognized Kiara immediately. I was pleased.

And I was proud of the way she interacted with Kiara. They watched some movie and talked a lot; they colored and played with Silly Putty. And they snuggled and laughed. She's really great with kids; she'll be an excellent mother one of these days.

When You Meet a Multiple - Reaction [Me]

More reading, this time, a list of 60 rules to follow when you are learning for the first time that someone you know has multiple personalities. Many of these are obviously specific to the writer's triggers and negative experiences. I find it sad that it is so negative, and yet it doesn't surprise me at all. Many of these boil down to some blanket statements that I want to react to.

"Please don't push me to talk about my multiplicity with you, and please keep it a secret from others." Those don't really apply to me; I've been able to be very out and open about my structure, and luckily I have friends that make that a positive experience.

"Don't treat me like I'm stupid or crazy; this is my normal. I might be crazy aside from that, but so might you." I don't think any of my system is really crazy, though some of them perceive the world in a very different way than I do. But once you understand each one, it makes sense. And we are intelligent people; that's why we split instead of going crazy.

"Don't try to analyze me and tell me how I got this way, or try to 'cure' me." I know how I split, better than anyone else can.  If some analyzing needs done, I am very capable of monitoring and checking on myselves. And we don't want to integrate; we like being multiple. I've found a way that works for me; I don't need fixed.

"We come as a package, and may switch unexpectedly." I think this may be the hardest one for singletons. Included in this group of statements are warnings that we won't switch for your amusement, and sometimes you may not be talking to the person you think you are talking to. And even if you have a preferred alter to be with, you may not get that choice. Every alter is there for a reason, and is important to our system.

"Not everything that happens is because we've switched." I may lose track of a conversation with you because I'm distracted or worried or bored, not because I switched. I might be in a bad mood all by myself; it doesn't have to mean that my angry alter is out.

"Don't limit me." Just because I'm multiple doesn't mean that I'm incapable of doing x, y, or z. In fact, we're probably more capable in many situations, because we have several skill sets. Multiples are very good at multitasking; it's what we do.

"You may get what you ask for." If you ask for an opinion, or ask how I'm doing, you may get several conflicting and yet all valid answers. If you aren't prepared for that, don't ask.

"There are a few things that can make it easier for us to relate to you as a group." We may have different reactions to touch - ask first. We may interrupt things to get a thought out before switching - please be patient. If there's an important issue to be addressed, please give us a little lead time so we can discuss it internally and so the appropriate alter can talk to you about it. Don't be scared of us or patronize us. We are people; a lot of people all in one.

Who Chose This - Reaction [Me]

This is what happens when I read other multiples' blogs. I have to react to them. Here. Which is a good thing, since I haven't been blogging lately. I've been way too busy to sit down that long. And I'm fighting some depression - probably a result of being so busy and trying to get settled into the new 'way things are' now that I'm living with my boyfriend/dom/master and his other girl (I'm going to just call him Boss from here on out for simplicity's sake). I have several topics I want to write about; hopefully they are still valid when I get around to doing so.

Anyway, today we're reacting to Sunshine & Shadow's post "Who Chose This?" Go ahead and read it first - I'll wait.

So of course, I first think about my current relationship with Boss. Kiara attached to him first - he was her first crush. And remember how strong that puppy-love can be? That's the kind of love Kiara has for him. I fell in love with him after that. Cherish was created for him, and in some strange way, Paul may have been, too. And Silent One, when it is active, seems quite fond of him (more later on Silent One being active). So there's five of us that are firmly 'for' a relationship with him, come what may. And none of the others actually object to him. Rubi and Sam are fine with him as one of several playpartners they have, but I don't see that they have any special attachment to him beyond getting along with him because he's around a lot. Jarett and Lynn see him as an ally, a partner in dealing with us. And Gracelyn really has barely met him. So that's five that aren't so attached to him, but don't object to him. A fifty percent relationship rate seems pretty okay, in the world of multiples.

Thinking back on some other relationships I've had, before I realized I was multiple, I can see some likely connections. And I can understand why I can't seem to have any relationship that lasts more than a couple of years. Aside from my parents, my daughter, and my sister, two years really seems to be the cap for me. I hope that this relationship can survive that two years by a long shot. And with his parts and my parts all either for it, or at least not against it, I think we have a better chance of success.

Burqa [Me]

Last night, Cherish wore a burqa for the first time in front of her Master. We've borrowed the burqa, and the abaya to wear under it, from friends to wear to an upcoming event.

The burqa is an Islamic form of dress, basically a bag over the head with openings or mesh for vision and breathing, with loose fabric flowing down from it all the way to the ankles. The front is open a bit, so under it is worn an abaya, essentially a plain black dress that covers everything also. The burqa I've borrowed is a pretty fancy one - the eyes are covered by a fine embroidered mesh, and there's more embroidery also. The mesh over the mouth is quite a bit denser, and it's hard to breathe. The fabric is a bit noisy, which discourages movement. And the head-part is a bit tight above my ears. To see anything, the whole body has to be turned to look; there is no peripheral vision. And it's warm in there.

When I put on the burqa, I was talking to the boyfriend at the time. As soon as it was all settled, Cherish switched in - and I don't know what he saw as a change in this nearly amorphous form in front of him, but he saw the change immediately. He asked Cherish several things about the fit and how well she could see. What he could not observe was the huge smile I could feel on our face. Whenever she is out, I watch Cherish minimize the outward expression of any emotions. Her smiles are tiny and strained. Her yes and no are small nods and shakes of the head. Under the burqa, she actually had a full-out smile on our face. I could see her make an effort to nod more vigorously to answer her Master's questions, knowing that he couldn't see her face. He praised her and how nice it looked on her; that did help, of course.

So next weekend we'll be wearing the burqa in public to an event at the club. The person that loaned it to me said that she felt completely invisible the time that she wore it there, and hated it. Cherish would love to be invisible; she seems to be looking forward to it.

Time to Catch Up [Me]

So I've neglected my blog for nearly two months. It's because I've been busy, though, not because of depression or apathy or anything bad.

The last part of March, I was setting up another blog. This one is a one-time thing, really more of a picture album, with pics and commentary from my collaring. Unfortunately, it has stalled as I'm waiting for pictures to come back from the photographers/editors. You can find it here, and the username and password to get into it are both 'kinky'. It's about half-way done, and when the pictures come back I'll put them all up there. And I'm sure I'll say something about it here.

Then, Easter weekend, I went to Atlanta for Frolicon. That's the big kinky convention each year; this was my fourth year. I played and socialized and stayed up late and did all sorts of kinky stuff. I'll try to write a blog about it soon. There were some very mixed emotional parts to Frolicon for me this year.

As soon as I came back from Frolicon, we were moving. My dominant, my metamour, and I all moved into an apartment together, finally! That meant moving them out of their old apartment, and moving a lot of my stuff out of my house, all at the same time. That's almost complete, now.

But with the move, we had no internet for a couple of weeks, so the only time I could blog was at work. And I've taken a lot of time off work for Frolicon, for moving, and for dental work. So I'm just getting back on-kilter there, as well. And I've been playing merry madness to catch up all the stuff that's gotten put off during all this stuff.

So, my apologies to those who try to keep up with me. I haven't kept up on my blog reading, either, so I've got catch-up to do on my blogs that I read, too.

On the multi front, we've made a lot of progress 'taming' Silent One. It has completely emerged a few times; very interesting, a little scary. Gracelyn has fronted a few times - she despairs at my wardrobe and talks to herself. Paul's gotten some Legos and spent a lot of time out alone. Rubi has taken up topping, and is much more responsible about it than I'd expected.

Other things going on in my life - we're looking for a roommate to take my place at the house. The house needs some roof repair. I need to refinance the house. I need to write up leases for the current residents and for a new one. I need to finish the writing part of the roses blog. I have a friend that's requested a resume for me - to potentially become his boss. I need to write a whole lot here. My kid's coming home from college for a month, and we've got to pack up and store her stuff. Then I've got to store the rest of my stuff at the house - and finish moving over decorative items from the house to the apartment. I'm creating new characters for my DnD game. I'm arranging a play-reading night. I'm behind on my TV-show-watching (no internet = no Hulu). Gotta finish unpacking boxes and setting up the apartment. And, you know, life as usual.