'Need to Know' Information [Me]

Okay, I'm out - doubly out. I've now come out about both my kink and my multiplicity to my daughter and to my sister and brother-in-law. And a little bit to my Mom - she knows that my boyfriend has another girlfriend, sort of, at least. I do feel better about it. My daughter and sister and brother-in-law know a lot of my kinky friends, and I'm not made in such a way that I can keep my circles of friends separate. So know I don't have to worry about someone saying something around the wrong family member that confuses them.

We won't be telling my parents a lot of this. Not because I'm afraid to, but in deference to them. It would worry them and upset them, and they just don't need to know. There's nothing they need to do about it. My daughter needs to know in case it becomes an issue in the future that she has to deal with. My sister and brother-in-law need to know so they aren't lost when it comes up in conversation.

So my daughter's reaction wasn't a huge surprise. It was more of "huh, that's interesting. Hey, that could explain why..." And she told me about a time when she really saw that I was just NOT myself and she didn't get it. Now she does. Then she asked for a 'cast list' so she knows who's who. And I got her one. That was the extent of her reaction, really.

My brother-in-law and sister both have some educational background in psychology. So he looked at it as an interesting case to ask questions about. And she asked how many of us there are and if I was in therapy, and was done with it. I also gave them a 'cast list', and she quickly pointed out that Kiara shares a lot of traits with her. My boyfriend agreed pretty heavily on that - said a lot of her behaviors are the same as my sister's.

Love is a Muddy Track [Me]

So remember the being distracted because I stumbled into love? It hasn't gotten any better. In fact, I think this one might stick around for a while. And that's scary, a little, for me. I'm a very independent person, and the idea of tying myself rather securely over the long term to another person makes me react by pushing people away. I haven't had the best of experiences with people I get romantically close to.

As a teenager, I quickly fell 'in love' - actually more of an 'in lust' - with a series of boys, got my heart broken, and cried just long enough for the next boy to catch my eye. My first real experience with romantic love was when I fell for a fellow at school who completely didn't know I existed. I had it bad, and couldn't understand why. He certainly didn't encourage me or anything. When we actually met up through some friends after he graduated, he only vaguely remembered that we had gone to school together. We've gotten together as friends a few times over the years since - and a couple of times romantically, and now we are friends.

I was only 16 when I really fell in love with the guy who became my first husband. And he was no winner - jealous, physically abusive, and just generally a loser. After a few trips to the hospital, I finally got away from him, taking our infant with us. I really was in love with him - there were moments of magic early on, but love can be destroyed if you try hard enough.

Over the next couple of years, just trying to raise myself and a baby while going to college took up enough energy that dating was merely an afterthought, and relationships just weren't an option. But as things settled down, I found myself with someone. And he seemed to be interested in taking care of us. I convinced myself that that was better than love. Until we married, he quit working, and things just generally fell apart.

So I decided that I needed to grow up a little before sharing myself romantically, and swore off men entirely for six years. I learned how to be an adult all by myself.

Then I dated pretty casually for several years. Back in school again, still living the single-mom life, I just didn't worry about it a lot. I found the kink community, and dated people who are my kind of freaks. I found a dominant that really touched me inside. Love? I don't know; I feel very strongly about him, but I'm not interested in a romantic relationship with him. We're friends, and he's very important to me, but that's where it lies.

Last year, I fell pretty hard for someone that I started off teaching, and ended up playing with. I didn't realize how strong an emotional attachment I had developed for him until something went really wrong and he cut me off suddenly. I cried for three days.

And back to dating - and playing - casually. I had people I love playing with but couldn't get close to romantically, and people I dated but really didn't have a good play relationship with. By 'play relationship', I mean playing in the BDSM sense. A play relationship is very important to me, but it's not at all the same thing as a sexual or romantic relationship. In some ways it's much more, others less.

So now I'm in love. We're in love. We've talked about having a future together, and sometimes it really terrifies me. Kiara and Cherish are both able to give themselves completely over to loving him, and I envy that. I can taste that emotion, but I can't just give myself over to it like they can. Even though I'd love to be able to just say, "We're in love; it'll all work out somehow'; on a 'grown-up level', I have a need to look at the realities and possibilities that are really involved.

I'm all too aware of what's 'over the horizon' - all those other responsibilities and tie-ups we each have. I just don't know if everything can be made to work. I worry about the 'what-if's. His other relationships, my other relationships. Can we eventually combine households without my control-freak nature and his coming into conflict? How long will the blush of love make everything look so rosy? And will I worry myself into creating the very problems I worry about?

For now, there are several situations in his life and in mine that are going to leave us both in a 'hold state' for a the next few months - we just can't make decisions about 'us' until those things are settled first. And I think that's going to turn out to be a good thing in the long run. As we work on our relationships between us, so will each of us be working on our own things to deal with. And if love survives all that processing, then we'll be able to work on combining our lives with some rationality.

I'm Infected... [Me]

Are emotions contagious? Okay, so that's a silly question. Of course they are. I know if I am hanging out with friends, and they are giddy-happy about something, pretty soon I'll find myself giddy-happy as well. The emotions of those around you affect you - influence you - infect you. That's why laughter is described as 'infectious laughter'. We each have our own separate emotions, but they do 'leak out' a little and influence each other. Thus, when I'm annoyed and frustrated, Rubi has more power to take the front and express that.

Kiara has been head-over-heels in love with one of our friends for a long time. He came into our social circle about the time I started recognizing myself as multiple, and Kiara's responses to him were part of the 'clues' I had to figure this out. She loves him with that overwhelming, uncomplicated puppy love that children have access to. When he's around her, the world is a shinier happier place. He makes her giggle.

But I've encouraged that relationship to remain Kiara's. He's been my friend, and a play-partner for me and for Sam, but he's Kiara's special person. Or at least he has been. About a month ago, we started spending more time together. And I can't tell whether it's Kiara's adoration of him leaking to the rest of us, or simply emotions he's stirred up in me separately, but I'm in love.

And it's not just me and Kiara. He's spending time with each of us separately, sometimes just letting us shift and flow back and forth, other times calling out someone to focus on specifically. He has a lot of experience with another multiple, and is completely comfortable with us as a group and individuals. He also has experience with a Master/slave relationship, which means he knows how to work with Cherish. And she's given herself to him as completely as she can.

Sam likes playing with him, because he gives her the variety she craves, and can keep up with her in sheer energy, in bed, in play, and just in general. Even with Rubi, he's found a place where they work well together - he's found triggers that make him desirable to her. And even Silent One has been partially present, without the disaster I would expect from that. He's even invited Jarett to sit and have a meal with him, and of course, had several conversations with Lynn.

So yeah, I'm in love. We're in love. And it's grand. That explains why I haven't blogged much lately, but it's a good thing this time, not depression. I've been happily distracted.

Processing Pain [Me]

I haven't really gone very deeply into the kink side of my/our existence on this blog. This is about being multiple, not about being kinky. But this post is going to go into our kink a little more. I would warn you to not read it if you're uncomfortable with the subject, but odds are you wouldn't be here anyway, if you were. So there we are.

I, as a whole, am known to be a masochist - someone who enjoys pain and gets a sexual charge out of pain. Not all pain. I mean, when I get hurt, it hurts me, just like it does anyone else. If I stub my toe, it hurts and I curse and jump up and down and whine. But pain delivered purposely, that feels good to me in a way that most people don't experience.

Lots of people like sitting in a hot tub. And it feels very good. But not everyone can agree at what temperature 'feels good' turns into 'too hot'. Because of the way I'm wired, I'm probably going to like it hotter than most people. And even at 'too hot', I'll get a certain pride/pleasure out of withstanding it, even when it doesn't exactly feel good anymore.

But in feeling out how each of us, internally, are different, and how we're the same, I'm learning that each of us processes pain a bit differently, and enjoys a different range of intensity. And experiences it differently, as well. Let's consider a light caress to be a 1 and a 10 to be at the level of actually taking injury. When we scene as a group, we'll usually start with a warmup around 4, then build up to a 6 or more, depending on whom we're playing with. Rarely does a scene get up to 8 or 9, and that's reserved for someone that we trust to be so in control that we know they won't actually injure me. But I've been thinking a lot lately about how we each receive pain and how we process it.

Now, Kiara is uncomfortable with anything over about a 3. Anything that hits a 4 means someone's actually striking us, and she doesn't like it, so she won't stick around. A three could be a nice massage or a strong bear-hug. If you ask her about pain, her answer would be, "Don't want. I don't like it." But she doesn't like to be tickled, so a 2 or 3 is good for her.

I'm actually happy from about 3 to 6 in my sensations. I like a massage that really get the knots out, and the pain is processed as a sexual charge. Someone digging their fingers into my breast or biting my neck turns me on the same way most people would process their breasts being squeezed gently or their ear being nibbled on. It's a definite pain-to-sexual input direct conversion. "Sure, hurt me, oh that feels good."

When the pain runs from about 5 to 7, that's when Sam get interested in being involved. Being shoved into a wall or thrown to the floor will make her laugh and tease. But it's not directly sex to her. Instead, sex and roughhousing both feed her need to be entertained, she exults in the attention and the sheer sensory input, whether it's sexual or not. The exhange of pain and power and energy is what she's enjoying, and she likes more intensity than I do, but not as much as Rubi. "Pain is fun, let's have some more."

Rubi won't even bother to show up until pain reaches about a 7. Whether she's self-inflicting or being hurt by someone else, she's the one who wants to push that line from 8 to 9, until that 10 - Actual Injury - is looming. Pain isn't necessarily to be enjoyed for her; it's to be endured, battled, conquered. Something about receiving more and more pain is a way she proves herself. "Give me more; I can take it."

Cherish has shown herself to be outside this scale, in some ways. She doesn't enjoy the pain, or even seek it. She accepts it if it's given to her, but doesn't seem to care all that much whether she's being hurt or not. Whipping that I know I feel on a 5 or 6 barely seems to be noticed by her. She nearly seems to sleep through sessions that I know would be closer to Sam's tastes than mine. But she's not receiving the pain and feeding it into laughter or sex or battle. It feels like it's just washing over her, fading past. However, a light touch, something at 1 or 2, washes through her like a bright light. It's beautiful to watch from my spot in the back of our consciousness, and it has the same... taste... as Rubi's 9 pain. It's like her scale is reversed. I'm sure that something at the upper end of the pain scale would get reaction out of her, of course, but it's the lower numbers that she responds most powerfully to. "I'll accept your pain if you wish," seems to be her attitude.

While You Were *Not* Out ... [Me]

How do you keep track of significant events in your life? What about significant events that occur within your household? Because that's really more what it's like, for us. I've got to remember schedules and events not just for myself, but for each of us. And even without the multiplicity, I have a terrible memory. I won't speak for the rest, but I suspect it's not just me. Also, when you dissociate, your time-sense tends to be a little... fluid. Two days ago, last week, a month ago - all those memories can 'feel' about the same distance ago. So if we've been switching around a lot, a conversation I had a couple of days ago may feel like it happened forever ago. And if another alter was mostly in control during that conversation, I might just not know it happened at all.

Which has turned me/us into a compulsive list-maker. I keep lists for groceries, movies I own, books I want to read, things I want to buy. I also keep lists for when I last changed my contacts, when I've had sex, when I've had injuries, when I've taken medicine, movies I've watched, repairs that need done at home. I also keep a calendar online and try to put everything on there. I use 30boxes.com, for those that are looking for one - it's accessible through Facebook or as a standalone. Events that are coming up, of course, are on there, along with holidays and birthdays. But I also put someone's name on the calendar if they're to be my ride to something. Calls I need to make, events going on that I'm NOT going to - things important to my daughter or my friends.

Now, here's the trick - things have to get ON the calendar for me to remember they're there. Which means, if I make plans with someone or anything else that needs to be recorded, expect to see me whip out my cellphone and send a text - to my email. We all know to do this, and then when I get to a computer, I get to put all those email notes into my calendar or on the appropriate list.

But not everything belongs on a list. For instance, one of the alters has sex with someone, I'm going to record that it happened and with whom, but not any details. Which gets interesting when they ask Me, or a different alter, how we felt about a certain thing they did. Unless you're talking to the same alter, we might not have access to that information. Or we might not have gotten it recorded yet. Or there might be a question of, "how did that bruise/mark/sore spot get there?"

Sometimes this is information we need to share in the short-term. So we have a kind of internal whiteboard where we jot quick notes to the group. It could be something like, "dinner with Ben Tuesday, put on calendar", if we can't get to the cellphone at that point. Or we might have something like, "tripped and jammed toe - sorry!" or even "Joe's having a hard time, get Lynn to talk to him".

So if you're chatting with one of us, and mention something that happened a few days ago, and we respond as if it was a month ago, please be patient with us. There's not a lot to distinguish length of time ago internally. A casual reminder that it was two days ago is appreciated, and may even jog the memory loose, especially if it's one we're trying to pick up from another alter. Brief turns of phrase within the conversation might be remembered when the topic of the conversation was forgotten. A reminder might help me find it on the 'whiteboard'.

And if you make plans with one of us, please encourage us to record it by cell-phone, lest we forget. I forgot an evening planned with someone very special to me last week.... no, this week - three days ago - because I had not recorded it. It hurt his feelings, I think, and then that hurt ours because we do so love spending time with him, but were double-booked.

Discomfort, Alien Mindset [Me]

If I had any doubts about my multiplicity before this weekend, they would have been laid to rest. This weekend I spent some serious time exploring and getting to know Cherish. We have a dear friend who's very comfortable with us as a multitude, and he helped to call her out and talk to her. While he interacted with her, the rest of us stepped back from the front and simply watched. We listened in on her thoughts and reactions, and I have to say that her outlook is the most alien to me of any of my alters so far.

It used to make me uncomfortable when I would catch Jarett ogling some woman (discreetly, of course) walking down the hall. After all, I'm not interested in women. But I could, after all, appreciate the shape of her body as being attractive, at least. Rubi's habitual antagonism is nothing like my usual attitude, but I can remember being that angry at the world as a teenager. And even Kiara's cuteness is way off my usual behavior, but I understand it. Sam, well, Sam I get. I think we're the most alike.

Cherish is... different from me. More different. She is completely at rest, and not concerned with herself. No matter what I'm doing, I'm gauging my own reactions and how things affect me. She's listening for how the person with her is reacting and how they are affected. It's a polar shift. If nothing is happening at the moment, she's content to simply be still and wait. The rest of us want to make something happen, move on to the next step, whatever it is. She doesn't have an opinion for or against things - we're used to arguing as a group about our opinion about things. But whether we agree or not, we do HAVE an opinion - or several.

Cherish submissive and obedient. She comes out when called, and doesn't go away until dismissed. Perhaps as she 'grows into' a full part of us, she'll develop some... drive. But I don't think so. I'm trying not to be judgemental of this attitude, simply because it's so foreign to me. I want people to grow up and be proactive. But there's a peace in her passivity, a calmness I don't know how to process.

I think we need to be very careful who we allow Cherish to be with. I worry about her already. She could so easily be taken advantage of. The submissive mind she has seems so weak and fragile to me. But I think that might just be because she's opposite. I recognize there is a strength in that calm and passive acceptance. But I recognize it intellectually, not emotionally. I used to worry about Kiara the same way, though. I thought she was in need of protection because she's young. Protection from other people, from Rubi, from anything that would hurt her. And yet she's turned out to be probably the strongest of us. When we're hurting the most, she takes that and simplifies it, then disposes of it in her childish way by simply coloring or choosing another mode. Kiara doesn't overthink things, and I think Cherish may share the most with her by doing the same.