Watching Videos [Me]

I've been sent a few links to videos about folks with DID, thought I'd share them.

This one's a woman switching with an EEG hooked up - it shows that there are changes during a switch.




And the next two are an interview of a spouse of someone with DID (the volume is very low on these):


and


I love when she said, "I feel like I've been on a reality show..." in reference to meeting alters for the first time, and the alters knew her already from watching from within, but she didn't know them yet.

About Therapy [Me]

We've been reading blogs of other multiples a lot lately. And a lot of what we're reading involves the writer complaining about how their therapist (or T) is unavailable or unreliable. This really irritates me. I know from dealing with myselves, at least, that consistency is really important for a multiple, or anyone who is struggling with mental issues. When the world inside your head isn't under control, it's very important to lock down as much as possible outside your head to be predictable and without surprise. When you have an appointment at a certain date and time, you must keep it. And if there is no way to avoid changing it, it's terribly important to let your patient know as early (and gently) as possible, and to immediately make an alternate plan so they don't feel like they've been abandoned.

Instead, I'm reading where T's are going out of town and just not showing up for an appointment, or telling a patient they will call them to check on them the next day but never do it, or not returning emails or voicemails left for them, or constantly changing the date and time of appointments. This has got to be so frustrating for the multiples they are treating! It really makes me angry on behalf of these other multiples.

And yet, the other day, I heard someone telling my boyfriend that we're considering starting therapy. Another multiple we know has a therapist who is experience with DID and at least aware of her kink, and we could easily get a referral. But I didn't think we needed therapy - we seem to be working together well and functioning happily through life. Lynn has been able to be counselor for us all this time so far. Why are we considering therapy? And why aren't I a part of the discussion? Maybe someone just wants to be like the other multis, and have a T to complain about...

Holiday Hassles [Me]

It seems like the holidays are always hard on everyone. And this year has been no exception. I somehow didn't expect it to be a problem for us, but I was wrong. Granted, it wasn't that bad, and I've recovered, but it was a problem. By the way, I'm going to reference that map I made previously of our inner space - here's a link: http://pinterest.com/pin/94083079685212707/. I'm going to reference that space as if it's physical and real, because that's how I experienced it this weekend.

As I mentioned in the last post, my parent were down for the weekend, and when they're around, I generally 'shut down' the multiple part of my thoughts and go singleton for that time. I don't switch around them at all. This time, we had an exception to that. My daughter gave me an awesome gift that brought Kiara catapulting out to squeal with joy. And then we quickly shuffled her back inside to bounce around a bit before they noticed.

I'm wondering if that fast push to get her out of the way may have caused the problem. We rarely shove each other out of the front room; we try to be cooperative about it. But with the parents around, it's like the lights in all the rooms except the front have been turned off. Everyone's been tiptoeing around in the dark being quiet so that I can stay in front. But when we yanked Kiara back to the back, it's like that door got shut and locked. For the next couple of days, it was just me - all was quiet.

Then my parents left, and I thought we'd start switching around like we normally do. And... nothing. I stayed out. Several situations came up that would normally cause a switch. And... nothing. The door was locked, and I didn't have a key. And the quiet up front was beginning to depress me. I worked more on finding pictures for our pinboards, hoping that it would encourage someone to take over to work on their own board, but it didn't happen.

Well, of course other people around me also had reactions to the holidays. The bad moods went all around the house, and then everyone was struggling to fake being cheerful, and that eventually came crashing down, as that sort of thing often does. Remember how I said that Silent One could go through the wall into the front room? It doesn't need to use the door. And when everything crashed, Silent One took over. I found myself on the other side of the door, too, locked inside. I knew the body was safe; Silent One manifests as a state of low consciousness, almost catatonic. And the boyfriend would see that it was taken care of.

Being locked inside gave me an opportunity to go around and turn all the lights back on. Kiara and I walked around, turning on lights and touching things. She's very tactile, so she has to touch everything before it seems real to her. We touched everything and turned on all the lights, and knocked on all the doors to let everyone know the coast was clear. This was nice for me, as I rarely get to leave the front few rooms. So I got a bit of a tour. But we were still locked out of the front room.

Apparently, Cherish has a key, or something. Our boyfriend was beginning to worry about the body, since it was still semi-catatonic. And because she can't stand to see him worry, she simply walked in front and took over from Silent One. She's shown this ability to quietly switch in before, but I was surprised at how strong it was, yet subtle - didn't even create a headache. And once she had done so, the rest of us could go in and out as normal. Everything is unlocked and the lights are on.

Pinterest is Fun! [Me]

Another blog mentioned Pinterest, and I finally got my invite yesterday, so I've spent my day today pinning things to boards. My boards are located at http://pinterest.com/marthatori/ - I've made one for each of us and we're pinning on pictures that look like the self-image we have or pictures that really really appeal to each of us deep down. We want to know what we each look like, even though we all share a face. Go look, it'll make more sense. I'm loving this.

Working on my pinboards, though, means everyone's switching in and out as we look at photos. When someone sees one they like, they yell out inside my head, and jump in to share with me and pin that image. So we're switching in and out and around a whole lot, and I'm getting a headache. But it's very exciting, too. We've been really extra-switchy the last few days. Sometimes it's been hard to keep focused on things.

One reason for this is that my parents are coming for a visit. I'm expecting them to arrive this afternoon, and they'll stay through Monday morning. When my parents are around, I usually lock down pretty tight and don't switch around at all. So it may be that we're switching a lot now, knowing we won't be switching for a couple of days.

And my daughter's coming down with them. The last time she visited, I told her about being multiple, and as she was leaving, I gave her a 'cast list' of who we all are. But I haven't really had much time to talk to her about it in-depth. So when my parents leave, and she stays, we'll talk about that some probably. Maybe I have a little bit of nerves from that.

Aside from those things - it's Christmas! Understandably, Kiara's really excited. It'll be the first Christmas that Cherish has experienced, too. Kiara's already received a present just for her, and someone told Cherish that he was getting her a present of her own too. This is exciting stuff, and excitement means switching, and switching means headaches. Totally worth it...

MPD Joke! [Sam]

We're reading blogs again - and here's a joke. Hey, I think it's funny...

Q:     How many alters does it take to change a light bulb?
A:     As many as are aware the light bulb is being changed!  One to change the bulb, one to change it back, three to argue over whether they want it light or dark, one to throw the light bulb against the wall to hear it crash, one to clean up the mess, one to go shopping for new bulbs and come home with stockings, [licorish], Disney movies, popcorn and masking tape, one to cry about the poor smashed light bulb, one to comfort her, one more to... You get the picture.  ;)


And one from another blog I'm reading too:



Patient: "Doctor, doctor, I have split personalities."
Doctor: "Well you'd better both sit down then."

Really, I'm (We're) Fine [Me]

I just finished posting a note on Facebook that's part apology, part reflection, and part a teaching on the importance of perspective. I thought I'd just copy it here.

Someone recently pointed this out to me, and I wanted to share and apologize. It's a reminder how experience and your viewpoint can affect your perception of things.

Let's take a hypothetical person who is a lot like me. She's spent her entire adult life raising her child, but now that child is grown up and gone off to college. Most of her family has moved out of town, and after two failed marriages, she's lost a lot of her friends from years past. She's been stuck in the same job for nearly ten years, and always seems to be just making it by financially. And yet she stays extremely busy, as if she's chasing after some fun before it's too late. In the fall a year after her child headed off to college, she starts posting a lot on Facebook about going to the doctor. Then she shaves her head clean. And then starts giving away a lot of her belongings, with some thin excuse about simplifying her life. This is someone who's always been prone to some moodiness, and is known to try to over-plan things to be in control of them. What's the reasonable conclusion about this woman? Cancer? Some other terminal disease? Maybe a suicide risk?

For anyone who has followed those clues to one of these scary conclusions, I'd like to apologize. I never intended to worry anyone. But it's a perfectly reasonable conclusion - just not a correct one.

Let's tell the story a different way. I have done a kick-ass job of raising my daughter into a fabulous human being. And in the last few years, I've worked hard to redefine myself by gathering in new friends that I really enjoy spending time with. I'm running around have a lot of fun - because now I have the time and a tiny bit of free cash to do so. My job is stable, so if I want to do something fun and a little crazy like shaving my head, I'm not really worried that it's going to cost me my job or anything. And yet, along with having a lot of fun, it's time to be responsible and get my life all in order. That includes getting some long overdue dental work and medical checkups to make sure I can handle the fun I'm getting into. And part of cleaning up my responsibilities included looking around and realizing that I have a lot of stuff that I have 'by default'. It's stuff leftover from when Mom moved. Or stuff that I had for some purpose long ago but haven't used in years. Or stuff that's just accumulated and is taking up space. So it needs to go.

Anyway, lesson learned about perspective. I'm fine, there's nothing wrong with my health that losing 40 pounds wouldn't fix. Shaving my head was for fun, not in fear. And I'm getting rid of stuff because I just have too much of it. Love to you guys for caring, and apologies to anyone that I may have worried. Relax, and come hang out sometime.

What's It Like? [Me]

Time for reading in other multi's blogs! Today's selection: http://twcrew.blogspot.com/2011/08/whats-it-like-to-switch.html - "What's it like to switch?" is the topic. This multi likens DID to the old TV show Quantum Leap. And I went - "Yeah! That!"


I had to be like Sam Beckett trying to figure out the missing pieces, while preventing people from realizing I was someone else, and trying to figure out what tasks had to be done before I leapt out of there.


Sudden and unexpected switches are JUST like that. I don't often have that kind of switch - usually it's an intentional thing. But when I find myself suddenly in control, there are several moments of quietly checking out where we're at. Is there a clock nearby? Who's around - and do I know them? Was I wearing these clothes last time I was at? There are a lot of contextual clues that I've learned to check to figure out what's going on. Hopefully, by the time I've decoded those clues, whoever was just out will make some notes on the mental whiteboard to help me re-integrate to the outside.


I was talking with the b/f last night about switching, and the pressure in my head when a switch is  in progress. And the best description of the effect is the Degauss effect on a monitor: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdJQ7Vptn_U&feature=related. A clear view from whatever alter is in charge, then a degauss shudder, and a clear view from the new person in charge.

Internal System Map [Me]

Ever since we checked out that other page where someone had shown a picture of their internal system map - or at last an example of an internal system map, the idea has been floating around in our mind. Last night, Kiara sat down and scribbled one out on paper, with some grown-up help. I've spent most of today, with her help, putting it on digital. And here's the final result:

As you can see, it doesn't look a lot like an office. Several people have their own personal rooms, that only they can go in and out of. The room off to the left is a quiet space, where the outside world doesn't intrude. The room off to the right is a space where people can be very aware of the outside world, and can communicate with whomever is in control at the Spotlight space. There's a whiteboard between the Sharing Room and the Spotlight Room for notes. And a hallway for moving around between rooms.

And just behind the Spotlight Room is a Watching Room, with two-way glass in the wall between them, like a police interrogation room. The chair with the purple rug is Lynn's. She controls whether the door to the Locked Away room is locked or unlocked, and she's always watching what's going on out front. She can also see the whiteboard from there. The other chair is Kiara's, but anyone may use it to watch out front. It's a small space, though, and it gets very uncomfortable when too many people try to crowd around.

There's plenty of space in the Sharing Room, though. People there can see and hear what's happening out front, and the person in front can see and hear them, too, though the person they are interacting with can't. And they can get to the whiteboard to make or read notes, too. The Sharing Room has other distractions, so someone there might not be paying attention to everything out front, but they can. Too many people in there does make it very loud and hard for the person in front to focus.

I am limited to the front three rooms - I always have to be Watching, Sharing, or in the Spotlight. Lynn is usually in her chair watching, but goes in the Sharing Room sometimes. Silent One is almost always Locked Away, curled up on the black leather couch. If it comes out, it can pass through the wall back and forth without going through the other spaces. Everyone else has their own space, and has free run of the entire mind-space except for other peoples' rooms.

You know, here's another analogy I just thought of - that computer on the reception desk. Everyone has a passworded login, just like you would (or at least should) at home or at work. Some people have access to certain files and programs, and some don't - just like some of us have access to different memories and skills. Lots of things are common to all users, but not everything. I'm an admin user, and should have access to everything, but some things are hidden even from me.

I showed this map in an unfinished form to a friend that knows several of us, and she said it really helped her understand some of the things I've said about who's in and out and watching and what not. So I hope it helps other people, too. It certainly helps us, and has been fun to do, too.

Are My Memories True? [Me, Lynn]

Again, I'm reading another multiple's blog, called Living with Multiple Personalities. The writer is also a mental health counselor. And one of the questions another reader asked is how can one know that memories are true and accurate. Their answer:
That is a question survivors ask themselves and their counselors over and over again. Unfortunately, there isn't an easy answer. No one can be totally sure of the accuracy of all of their memories unless they have been followed by video cameras their entire lives! So save yourself the torture and accept that your memories, and the memories that your alters have, are true... but they may not be accurate.

I've often struggled with trying to 'prove' my memories accurate or not. One exercise that always frustrates me - think back to a memory of you and a parent when you were middle-school aged. Try to envision the small things - some clothing you wore, decorations on the wall. Then ask that parent (or use someone else you knew then) about that memory, without giving away those details, and see if you can get those details out of them. Then share your memories with them. You'll often find them saying "Oh, we didn't have that color on the walls then; it was three years later that I painted them that color" or otherwise remembering something specifically contradictory to what you are remembering.

And the details don't really matter, do they? Does it matter when the walls were painted blue? Or how old you were when you got that pair of shoes? The blue wall is obviously important to you, and the shoes. The timeline, not as much. The emotions and memories that you attach to the sensation of those details is important - and in that sense, true for you. However, they may not be accurate.

I remember finding a picture a few years ago of my mother. From the location, I can tell it was taken when I was between five and ten years old. She's on her knees in the back yard doing some gardening. And she is very heavy in the picture. She seesawed a lot on weight for most of my childhood, but I don't ever remember her looking that heavy. And neither does she - because when I showed her the picture, she said it wasn't her. Her mind so fights seeing her that heavy that she can't even see that it is her. The picture must be treated as more accurate than her memory or mine - it's a photo, after all. But is it important? I think not. For her, and for me, we both remember her as skinnier than the photo. And I think that is a more 'real' picture of her in my mind. Nevermind accuracy.

Reading Along With Us [Me]

Okay, my blogs to follow are back today - some days they are there, some days they aren't. Today, they are, so I'm going to start reading a blog called "Living with Multiple Personalities." Before I get to the blog itself, there's a link to this page - http://www.2multiples.com/twcrew/47_page.html - that likens a multiple system to an office arrangement with cubicles. I'm liking it already.

It's a pretty good analogy. Please feel free to refer to it. I would draw in a little break room where one or a couple of alters could go to complete separate themselves from the rest and be unaware of what's happening in the office - unavailable, too.

They make a distinction between being co-conscious and being blended. Co-conscious meaning some thoughts and memories are shared between two alters, but both are conscious as to what belongs to whom. Blended meaning that they are overlapping a lot, sharing most thoughts and emotions and control at the time, with only a little distinction between the two. My system tends to be very blended a lot of the time. Sometimes I'm not sure who said or thought or did something until I focus on the 'flavor' of the thoughts happening. Then I can usually tell who's responsible.

I Might Be Poly... [Me]

I was reading this light-hearted post at The Polyamory Paradigm:
http://polyamoryparadigm.blogspot.com/2011/11/you-might-be-poly-if.html

-If you oogle the same people as your partner, and discuss their hotness, you might be poly.
I've occasionally discussed the hotness of a guy with my boyfriend. And I know I've heard him discuss the hotness of a girl with his other girlfriend.

-You might be poly if you get excited when your partner has a date.
I'm still working on this one. The sharing happily isn't exactly against my nature, but I still would rather have his attention for myself.

-If you like talking things to death, then resurrecting them just to talk them to death again, you might be poly.
I didn't know that was a poly trait, specifically. I've just always likeed talking things to death. Makes me feel secure in my decisions. (And sometimes lets an alter listen in or participate that didn't get to the first time.)

-If your idea of a shower involves more than one person, you might be poly.
Yes, please. Showers are always better shared.

-When invited to events you ask how many of your partners you can bring, you might be poly.
I've yet to figure out how to ask this one easily.

-If you know what a Cuddle Party is, or have ever been to one, you might be poly.
Cuddle parties are so my favorite thing. I want to have a room with padded walls and mattresses reaching to every corner.

-If the number of places at the dinner table varies depending on how many of your partners are coming, you might be poly.There is sometimes a flurry of texting trying to determine the headcount for supper.

-You might be poly if you keep a calendar to know where you are sleeping each night.
Hey, I rarely have to consult the calendar anymore. I know which nights I sleep where... usually.

-If you have ever been told "You just want a harem!", you might be poly.
Not me, but my boyfriend jokes that he wants one. Of course, with two girlfriends who are each multiple, he gets his harem.

-If someone says "Your boyfriend/girlfriend is cute" and you wonder which one they are talking about, you might be poly.My boyfriend IS cute. And so are several other guys that I like to spend my time with.

-If you neighbors ask how many adults actually live in your house, you might be poly.
Sometimes, I'll just tell people I'm into community theatre, and suddenly they aren't surprised by any number of people going in and out of my house.

Okay, so it's just fun stuff - but truths lie in the jokes we make.

Call Us Meronym [Me]

I've recently added one more name to the list of those I'll answer to: Meronym. But this is not a new alter, or a name taken by an alter. Instead, it's a gestalt name, one that applies to the entire system as a whole.

A meronym is a grammatical term meaning 'a part of something used to refer to the whole'. The most frequent example is using faces to mean people, as in "I've seen a lot of faces over the years," but meaning that you've met a lot of people. (By the way, a gestalt is "a structure, configuration, or pattern or physical, biological, or psychological phenomena so integrated as to constitute a functional unit with properties not derivable by summation of its parts.)

So, although there are eight personalities inside my head, we share one common body, and a large part of our memory and functions. We have a structure; a gestalt. And we've chosen to take on the name Meronym to refer to the entire structure as opposed to any one of us. Technically, any one of us is a meronym for the system, so we are a collection of meronyms forming a gestalt. But Meronym, as a name, will suffice.

So how do you know whether to use the name Meronym or not? I have an example (don't I always?). Let's say there's a family of people named Smith - Joe, Jane, John, Jim, and Jerry. If you pick up the phone, and recognize the person on the line, you might say "Hi Jim". If a male answers and you're not sure which of them it is, you might say, "Hello, Mr. Smith." But if you're referring to the family as a whole, not its individual members, you would just say "The Smiths." So - to apply that to us... If you know which alter you're dealing with, use their name - "Hi Sam", "Hi Kiara", etc. If you're not sure who you're dealing with, you're probably safer in just using my name - "Hello, M-." But if you want to refer to the gestalt, the entire structure, not a single personality, use Meronym -"This is a gift for Meronym."

I hope that helps any confusion. And you know, if it doesn't, well just use whatever works easiest for you. We're accustomed to making do and taking whatever effort is needed to get along with the singletons world out there.

What's Your Poison? [Me]

We've learned over the last couple of years that our responses to medicines can be unreliable. And from what I've read, it seems this is common among multiples. How we respond to medicine depends heavily on which alter was in control when we took it, who's in control now, and what the problem is that we took it for.

Narcotic pain meds are the easiest example to notice. In the past, narcotics have a few times been known to put all of us to sleep except Kiara. She is apparently very resistant to pain meds. However, she doesn't handle pain well. Any kind of pain meds, though, tend to make us fuzzy in the head, like I'm in the middle of switching back and forth quickly.

Yesterday, I had a tooth pulled. Now the last few times I've had dental work, the local used by the dentist has not taken hold as solidly as it should, so they've had to use a lot of it, and even then, my feet started going numb before my mouth did - and this was a local anesthetic that should not have affected the rest of my body. The dentist I saw yesterday, though, took it really slow, injecting once, then waiting a while before injecting more. And most of my head went numb easily, so needing less of the drug and not affecting the rest of my body. I did get the shakes, but that seems to be normal.

There may also be some correlation between my switching and the anesthesia. Usually I try to stay solidly in control, dealing with the entire visit on my own. Yesterday, I actually had two appointments, with  a little time between, and the tooth was pulled on the second one. Perhaps my control was not as tight as usual. And besides, I asked Sam to see if she could turn some of the pain I was getting in both visits to something a little more fun. She said dental pain just isn't sexy; no go. But she tried anyway. And I felt Cherish in there taking some of the pain onto herself, rolling it away as she does. I wonder if it was because we were working together that the drugs worked so well.

When I left the dentist, I was more clearheaded than I would expect after being all drugged up, and had no trouble driving to the pharmacy and waiting for my pain meds. I got all the way home with my face still numb and still not hurting much.

Unfortunately, that's the end of the good news. I took an hydrocodone when I got home, as I was starting to hurt in my mouth. The numbness slowly wore off, but it doesn't seem like the hydrocodone ever did kick in. I couldn't manage to switch to any of the alters until my boyfriend got home and was able to call Cherish out - that's not unusual when I'm hurting or feeling bad - no one else wants to hurt or feel bad either. And still, the pain was there. But Cherish accepted it and rolled it away, so it wasn't a problem. And yet, the meds should have reduced the pain - and my thinking as well. We couldn't even tell we'd taken any pills at all.

Today, I'm at work, so I've got to be out. I took another hydrocodone, and this one did dampen the pain a little bit, and made me sleepy a lot. Well, at least Kiara's not stuck here trying to do my job!

Multiplicity: Loss of Routine [Me]

Reading at Multiplicity again today. She has a post there about routine - my comments:
We have certain routines that are practically sacred to us, and others we can do without. When I get up in the morning, no matter who's out, we follow the same routine of bathroom and brushing teeth and dressing in the same order. These are things that I can usually do the same way even when I'm not home. It makes us very tense and twitchy when the routines are broken, though.

I think it's typical of multiples, but I'm just guessing, based on my experience. Routine is extremely important to me, for several reasons.

It's comforting because it's familiar, even when other things in the world around us may be unfamiliar and scary. Waking up in a bed that I don't remember falling asleep in can be terrifying, and it happens fairly often. But if I can get up, go to the bathroom, put in eyedrops, and brush my teeth - like I do every morning - that gives me a stretch of time to check around, find out how we got from my last memory to now. When I went out of town recently, I made sure to have deoderant, toothbrush, eyedrops, etc. all out where I could follow the same routine in the morning getting ready that I do at home. And it helped.

It's a way of establishing control in a world I don't control all that well. Even little things, like the order in which I put on my clothes, reassures me that I can impose my will on how things are getting done. I might not be able to control who does what during the day sometimes, but I can control this right now.

It helps confirm that things get done when it's not always the same person doing it. It doesn't matter who performs the routine, but as long as it all gets finished, we're okay. Kiara might choose a different toothpaste than, say, Lynn. But either way, teeth get brushed. And so on.

I bring up brushing teeth because, right now, it's not getting done in the proper order every day. The sink at my boyfriend's house gets clogged up sometimes, and if it has water sitting, I've skipped brushing my teeth. And that makes me grumpy for a few minutes. I mean, I can brush when I get to work or something, but just having that change to my routine sets off a negative reaction. Because I'm a grown-up, and I'm aware of it, I can deal with it, of course. But it is a little unsettling. And that bit of discontent is enough to remind me just how important my routines are to me.

Like when I come into my house. I need to come in, set things down, let the dog out, put awy the things I carried in, and then use the bathroom. I really need to do these things before I do anything else. Sometimes there's someone there wanting my attention, to ask me a question or something, before I get all that done. And I know I'm very grumpy with them and not very helpful. I'm especially a terror when someone starts talking to me before I even have the door all the way open. For people likely to be at my house when I'm coming home, I try to explain to them that I need those few minutes to establish myself in my house before I'm going to be at all easy to get along with. Sometimes they remember, sometimes not.

Reading Multiplicity... Reactions People Have [Me]

I'm mad at Google. The other day, I marked about six blogs to follow, including Sunshine and Shadows. And they are all gone now. A couple of them also follow Sunshine and Shadows, so I can find them from there to follow, because I made comments there. But I was looking forward to reading them, so I'm unhappy. And I can't remember how I found them before.

So I'm reading one now that's called Multiplicity, which is a word I use a lot to refer to my 'condition'. Because I don't like using the word 'disorder' - I don't feel like it's messed up my life enough to call it a disorder.

When people find out about the DID there are 2 reactions I wait for - the first when they hear about it, the second when they actually meet one of my alts - particularly a little one. Its not that people don't believe me when I first explain it - they just cant really comprehend it - I can understand that... There is such a difference between hearing about something and actually seeing it. I am never sure someone is really okay with me having DID until after they have spent time with at least one of my alts.

I agree with her on this. Lots of people that I've told about my multiplicity basically shrug and say okay. And I don't know what kind of 'okay' that is until they actually interact with an alter. I've learned that 'okay' can mean all kinds of things:
"Okay, sure. I don't know what you're talking about, so I'll just agree with you."
"Okay, it sounds reasonable. I'll just treat you all as M-, right?"
"Okay. Hey, you're someone new - but we're friends just like with your primary, aren't we?"
"Okay. Hey, it's nice to meet you. I'm friends with your primary. I'd like to get to know you, too."

Some of our friends are really close to various ones of us. Kiara, particularly, has made a few of her own specific friendships.

Sunshine and Shadows [Me]

Back to reading 'Sunshine and Shadows' today.

As a person with DID, I recognize that I am responsible for everything that any of my alters do. My mind created these alters as a way of survive horrifying conditions when I was a child. They are all me and I accept responsibility for them. This is something I've said many times. Each part of my system is responsible to and for each other part of my system. Sometimes this causes problems internally, but they are my problems, our problems, and no one else's.

--- my computer crashed at this point, but luckily I was able to save it - yay! ---

She also got the question about how alters get their names, and I commented with a summary of how we got named. She's only purposely named one of her alters, like I did for Sam. The others just had the names they have, like most of the rest of us.

I'm getting to know a couple of her readers, too, that are multiple, through the comments they make on her posts. This is interesting, though it is stirring up some interesting emotions inside. I'm constantly amazed at the kind of history a person can have and still be a functional adult, even when it takes splitting apart to survive. And I'm grateful that my trauma that split me was so... tepid, compared to some of the things other multiples have gone through.

We're Not the Only Ones [Me]

I finally found some other MPD folks' blogs, and now I'm engrossed in reading through from the beginning. The first I'm reading is called 'Sunshine and Shadows'. I love that. Because you have to have the one to appreciate the other.

I commented on a post where she shows pictures of things - treasures - one of her alters has bought. I remember the first time I woke up with stuff in my house that Kiara had bought. It was confusing, but cute. And it made me smile.

I also commented on a post about memories. Memory is a funny and unreliable thing. Ask three people that had lunch together what they talked about, and you'll get three wildly different answers - and sometimes conflicting. And for a multi, it's like getting up and going to the restroom during that conversation, then later being told, "Oh, you remember when she told that story, don't you? It was so funny!" Do I remember it? Was I even there for it? And that's confusing and maddening sometimes.

And then she has a post where she talks about going shopping with one alter in charge, and having to force a quick switch to try and recognize two ladies that came up to talk to her - her mother and her sister. That's always a panicky moment, when people come up to talk and we can't remember who they are. Maybe one alter will speak up and say who they are. Maybe we'll quickly switch. Maybe whoever is out will just have to fake it until there are enough contextual clues to figure out who they are. In fact, I had that moment of panic today when I went to have lunch with a friend, and she got there first. Several of the alters know her, but what if we didn't recognize her? We did, though, and it was all okay. Still, the panic is there.

More reactions from this blog tomorrow. Or soon, at least.

My Sweetie's Sweetie is my Sweetie [Me]

I was reading a blog that focused on polyamory and choosing relationships wisely, and wanted to share. The page I was at is http://polyamoryparadigm.blogspot.com/2011/11/what-have-i-stepped-in.html, but the thoughts that are relevant are things I've been asked, or thought about on my own, before. Fair warning, this one's a lot more about being poly than about being multi.

Here's the relevant line from the blog above: "If I can't have a relationship with someone and accept how differently their other relationships function then I shouldn't be in a relationship with that person."

My boyfriend has a relationship that he's been in as long as I've known him. She also has multiple personalities, though her structure is very different than our structure. And she has a boy of her own. I don't have a deep individual relationship with either of them. But they both live with him, and I don't yet. So a few people have asked about how I feel about his relationship with her. And that's something that is still 'in progress' as far as dealing with it.

The first and last point on the matter is this - his relationship with her is part of him. If I can't handle that, then I don't need to be with him. It's the same thing if I was dating a man that had children living at home with him. If I'm not prepared for kids to take priority over me sometimes, or to be involved in what we do, then I have no business getting together with him.

Now, she has the same issue - my relationship with him is part of him too. Both of us want him to be happy. He's happy with both of us. And so, the two of us both make some concessions to his relationship with the other. Sure, we'd both like to have him full-time. But he wouldn't be happy, which means we wouldn't be happy either. And so, we work things out. Sometimes more succesfully than others. And that's what a relationship is about, working together, whether there are two people involved, or three, or six.

Sometimes I don't like the way the two of them inter-relate. And I'm sure she feels the same way about me, too. If it's just me pouting or being protective of him, I try to ignore the feeling as 'not my business'. He's an adult and can handle his own relationships. If I think there's a serious problem, it's my job as his friend, at least, to point it out to him, and let him know that I think he's being taken advantage of, or whatever. And then, again, it's his problem. I have to step out of it and let him deal with it - or not - as he wishes. Their relationship does not function the same as our relationship. Heck, his relationship to me doesn't function the same way as his relationship to some of my alters, even. He has a lot of balls in the air; I shouldn't criticize his juggling.

So what does that make his other girlfriend to me? Or me to her? My relationship to her is that of a friend. We plan to all live together eventually, so we better be at least friends, right? I'm not interested in women for relationships, so that option is unfortunately closed. But we've kind of decided that my boyfriend's girlfriend is my girlfriend, at least for the shorthand.

'Need to Know' Information [Me]

Okay, I'm out - doubly out. I've now come out about both my kink and my multiplicity to my daughter and to my sister and brother-in-law. And a little bit to my Mom - she knows that my boyfriend has another girlfriend, sort of, at least. I do feel better about it. My daughter and sister and brother-in-law know a lot of my kinky friends, and I'm not made in such a way that I can keep my circles of friends separate. So know I don't have to worry about someone saying something around the wrong family member that confuses them.

We won't be telling my parents a lot of this. Not because I'm afraid to, but in deference to them. It would worry them and upset them, and they just don't need to know. There's nothing they need to do about it. My daughter needs to know in case it becomes an issue in the future that she has to deal with. My sister and brother-in-law need to know so they aren't lost when it comes up in conversation.

So my daughter's reaction wasn't a huge surprise. It was more of "huh, that's interesting. Hey, that could explain why..." And she told me about a time when she really saw that I was just NOT myself and she didn't get it. Now she does. Then she asked for a 'cast list' so she knows who's who. And I got her one. That was the extent of her reaction, really.

My brother-in-law and sister both have some educational background in psychology. So he looked at it as an interesting case to ask questions about. And she asked how many of us there are and if I was in therapy, and was done with it. I also gave them a 'cast list', and she quickly pointed out that Kiara shares a lot of traits with her. My boyfriend agreed pretty heavily on that - said a lot of her behaviors are the same as my sister's.

Love is a Muddy Track [Me]

So remember the being distracted because I stumbled into love? It hasn't gotten any better. In fact, I think this one might stick around for a while. And that's scary, a little, for me. I'm a very independent person, and the idea of tying myself rather securely over the long term to another person makes me react by pushing people away. I haven't had the best of experiences with people I get romantically close to.

As a teenager, I quickly fell 'in love' - actually more of an 'in lust' - with a series of boys, got my heart broken, and cried just long enough for the next boy to catch my eye. My first real experience with romantic love was when I fell for a fellow at school who completely didn't know I existed. I had it bad, and couldn't understand why. He certainly didn't encourage me or anything. When we actually met up through some friends after he graduated, he only vaguely remembered that we had gone to school together. We've gotten together as friends a few times over the years since - and a couple of times romantically, and now we are friends.

I was only 16 when I really fell in love with the guy who became my first husband. And he was no winner - jealous, physically abusive, and just generally a loser. After a few trips to the hospital, I finally got away from him, taking our infant with us. I really was in love with him - there were moments of magic early on, but love can be destroyed if you try hard enough.

Over the next couple of years, just trying to raise myself and a baby while going to college took up enough energy that dating was merely an afterthought, and relationships just weren't an option. But as things settled down, I found myself with someone. And he seemed to be interested in taking care of us. I convinced myself that that was better than love. Until we married, he quit working, and things just generally fell apart.

So I decided that I needed to grow up a little before sharing myself romantically, and swore off men entirely for six years. I learned how to be an adult all by myself.

Then I dated pretty casually for several years. Back in school again, still living the single-mom life, I just didn't worry about it a lot. I found the kink community, and dated people who are my kind of freaks. I found a dominant that really touched me inside. Love? I don't know; I feel very strongly about him, but I'm not interested in a romantic relationship with him. We're friends, and he's very important to me, but that's where it lies.

Last year, I fell pretty hard for someone that I started off teaching, and ended up playing with. I didn't realize how strong an emotional attachment I had developed for him until something went really wrong and he cut me off suddenly. I cried for three days.

And back to dating - and playing - casually. I had people I love playing with but couldn't get close to romantically, and people I dated but really didn't have a good play relationship with. By 'play relationship', I mean playing in the BDSM sense. A play relationship is very important to me, but it's not at all the same thing as a sexual or romantic relationship. In some ways it's much more, others less.

So now I'm in love. We're in love. We've talked about having a future together, and sometimes it really terrifies me. Kiara and Cherish are both able to give themselves completely over to loving him, and I envy that. I can taste that emotion, but I can't just give myself over to it like they can. Even though I'd love to be able to just say, "We're in love; it'll all work out somehow'; on a 'grown-up level', I have a need to look at the realities and possibilities that are really involved.

I'm all too aware of what's 'over the horizon' - all those other responsibilities and tie-ups we each have. I just don't know if everything can be made to work. I worry about the 'what-if's. His other relationships, my other relationships. Can we eventually combine households without my control-freak nature and his coming into conflict? How long will the blush of love make everything look so rosy? And will I worry myself into creating the very problems I worry about?

For now, there are several situations in his life and in mine that are going to leave us both in a 'hold state' for a the next few months - we just can't make decisions about 'us' until those things are settled first. And I think that's going to turn out to be a good thing in the long run. As we work on our relationships between us, so will each of us be working on our own things to deal with. And if love survives all that processing, then we'll be able to work on combining our lives with some rationality.

I'm Infected... [Me]

Are emotions contagious? Okay, so that's a silly question. Of course they are. I know if I am hanging out with friends, and they are giddy-happy about something, pretty soon I'll find myself giddy-happy as well. The emotions of those around you affect you - influence you - infect you. That's why laughter is described as 'infectious laughter'. We each have our own separate emotions, but they do 'leak out' a little and influence each other. Thus, when I'm annoyed and frustrated, Rubi has more power to take the front and express that.

Kiara has been head-over-heels in love with one of our friends for a long time. He came into our social circle about the time I started recognizing myself as multiple, and Kiara's responses to him were part of the 'clues' I had to figure this out. She loves him with that overwhelming, uncomplicated puppy love that children have access to. When he's around her, the world is a shinier happier place. He makes her giggle.

But I've encouraged that relationship to remain Kiara's. He's been my friend, and a play-partner for me and for Sam, but he's Kiara's special person. Or at least he has been. About a month ago, we started spending more time together. And I can't tell whether it's Kiara's adoration of him leaking to the rest of us, or simply emotions he's stirred up in me separately, but I'm in love.

And it's not just me and Kiara. He's spending time with each of us separately, sometimes just letting us shift and flow back and forth, other times calling out someone to focus on specifically. He has a lot of experience with another multiple, and is completely comfortable with us as a group and individuals. He also has experience with a Master/slave relationship, which means he knows how to work with Cherish. And she's given herself to him as completely as she can.

Sam likes playing with him, because he gives her the variety she craves, and can keep up with her in sheer energy, in bed, in play, and just in general. Even with Rubi, he's found a place where they work well together - he's found triggers that make him desirable to her. And even Silent One has been partially present, without the disaster I would expect from that. He's even invited Jarett to sit and have a meal with him, and of course, had several conversations with Lynn.

So yeah, I'm in love. We're in love. And it's grand. That explains why I haven't blogged much lately, but it's a good thing this time, not depression. I've been happily distracted.

Processing Pain [Me]

I haven't really gone very deeply into the kink side of my/our existence on this blog. This is about being multiple, not about being kinky. But this post is going to go into our kink a little more. I would warn you to not read it if you're uncomfortable with the subject, but odds are you wouldn't be here anyway, if you were. So there we are.

I, as a whole, am known to be a masochist - someone who enjoys pain and gets a sexual charge out of pain. Not all pain. I mean, when I get hurt, it hurts me, just like it does anyone else. If I stub my toe, it hurts and I curse and jump up and down and whine. But pain delivered purposely, that feels good to me in a way that most people don't experience.

Lots of people like sitting in a hot tub. And it feels very good. But not everyone can agree at what temperature 'feels good' turns into 'too hot'. Because of the way I'm wired, I'm probably going to like it hotter than most people. And even at 'too hot', I'll get a certain pride/pleasure out of withstanding it, even when it doesn't exactly feel good anymore.

But in feeling out how each of us, internally, are different, and how we're the same, I'm learning that each of us processes pain a bit differently, and enjoys a different range of intensity. And experiences it differently, as well. Let's consider a light caress to be a 1 and a 10 to be at the level of actually taking injury. When we scene as a group, we'll usually start with a warmup around 4, then build up to a 6 or more, depending on whom we're playing with. Rarely does a scene get up to 8 or 9, and that's reserved for someone that we trust to be so in control that we know they won't actually injure me. But I've been thinking a lot lately about how we each receive pain and how we process it.

Now, Kiara is uncomfortable with anything over about a 3. Anything that hits a 4 means someone's actually striking us, and she doesn't like it, so she won't stick around. A three could be a nice massage or a strong bear-hug. If you ask her about pain, her answer would be, "Don't want. I don't like it." But she doesn't like to be tickled, so a 2 or 3 is good for her.

I'm actually happy from about 3 to 6 in my sensations. I like a massage that really get the knots out, and the pain is processed as a sexual charge. Someone digging their fingers into my breast or biting my neck turns me on the same way most people would process their breasts being squeezed gently or their ear being nibbled on. It's a definite pain-to-sexual input direct conversion. "Sure, hurt me, oh that feels good."

When the pain runs from about 5 to 7, that's when Sam get interested in being involved. Being shoved into a wall or thrown to the floor will make her laugh and tease. But it's not directly sex to her. Instead, sex and roughhousing both feed her need to be entertained, she exults in the attention and the sheer sensory input, whether it's sexual or not. The exhange of pain and power and energy is what she's enjoying, and she likes more intensity than I do, but not as much as Rubi. "Pain is fun, let's have some more."

Rubi won't even bother to show up until pain reaches about a 7. Whether she's self-inflicting or being hurt by someone else, she's the one who wants to push that line from 8 to 9, until that 10 - Actual Injury - is looming. Pain isn't necessarily to be enjoyed for her; it's to be endured, battled, conquered. Something about receiving more and more pain is a way she proves herself. "Give me more; I can take it."

Cherish has shown herself to be outside this scale, in some ways. She doesn't enjoy the pain, or even seek it. She accepts it if it's given to her, but doesn't seem to care all that much whether she's being hurt or not. Whipping that I know I feel on a 5 or 6 barely seems to be noticed by her. She nearly seems to sleep through sessions that I know would be closer to Sam's tastes than mine. But she's not receiving the pain and feeding it into laughter or sex or battle. It feels like it's just washing over her, fading past. However, a light touch, something at 1 or 2, washes through her like a bright light. It's beautiful to watch from my spot in the back of our consciousness, and it has the same... taste... as Rubi's 9 pain. It's like her scale is reversed. I'm sure that something at the upper end of the pain scale would get reaction out of her, of course, but it's the lower numbers that she responds most powerfully to. "I'll accept your pain if you wish," seems to be her attitude.

While You Were *Not* Out ... [Me]

How do you keep track of significant events in your life? What about significant events that occur within your household? Because that's really more what it's like, for us. I've got to remember schedules and events not just for myself, but for each of us. And even without the multiplicity, I have a terrible memory. I won't speak for the rest, but I suspect it's not just me. Also, when you dissociate, your time-sense tends to be a little... fluid. Two days ago, last week, a month ago - all those memories can 'feel' about the same distance ago. So if we've been switching around a lot, a conversation I had a couple of days ago may feel like it happened forever ago. And if another alter was mostly in control during that conversation, I might just not know it happened at all.

Which has turned me/us into a compulsive list-maker. I keep lists for groceries, movies I own, books I want to read, things I want to buy. I also keep lists for when I last changed my contacts, when I've had sex, when I've had injuries, when I've taken medicine, movies I've watched, repairs that need done at home. I also keep a calendar online and try to put everything on there. I use 30boxes.com, for those that are looking for one - it's accessible through Facebook or as a standalone. Events that are coming up, of course, are on there, along with holidays and birthdays. But I also put someone's name on the calendar if they're to be my ride to something. Calls I need to make, events going on that I'm NOT going to - things important to my daughter or my friends.

Now, here's the trick - things have to get ON the calendar for me to remember they're there. Which means, if I make plans with someone or anything else that needs to be recorded, expect to see me whip out my cellphone and send a text - to my email. We all know to do this, and then when I get to a computer, I get to put all those email notes into my calendar or on the appropriate list.

But not everything belongs on a list. For instance, one of the alters has sex with someone, I'm going to record that it happened and with whom, but not any details. Which gets interesting when they ask Me, or a different alter, how we felt about a certain thing they did. Unless you're talking to the same alter, we might not have access to that information. Or we might not have gotten it recorded yet. Or there might be a question of, "how did that bruise/mark/sore spot get there?"

Sometimes this is information we need to share in the short-term. So we have a kind of internal whiteboard where we jot quick notes to the group. It could be something like, "dinner with Ben Tuesday, put on calendar", if we can't get to the cellphone at that point. Or we might have something like, "tripped and jammed toe - sorry!" or even "Joe's having a hard time, get Lynn to talk to him".

So if you're chatting with one of us, and mention something that happened a few days ago, and we respond as if it was a month ago, please be patient with us. There's not a lot to distinguish length of time ago internally. A casual reminder that it was two days ago is appreciated, and may even jog the memory loose, especially if it's one we're trying to pick up from another alter. Brief turns of phrase within the conversation might be remembered when the topic of the conversation was forgotten. A reminder might help me find it on the 'whiteboard'.

And if you make plans with one of us, please encourage us to record it by cell-phone, lest we forget. I forgot an evening planned with someone very special to me last week.... no, this week - three days ago - because I had not recorded it. It hurt his feelings, I think, and then that hurt ours because we do so love spending time with him, but were double-booked.

Discomfort, Alien Mindset [Me]

If I had any doubts about my multiplicity before this weekend, they would have been laid to rest. This weekend I spent some serious time exploring and getting to know Cherish. We have a dear friend who's very comfortable with us as a multitude, and he helped to call her out and talk to her. While he interacted with her, the rest of us stepped back from the front and simply watched. We listened in on her thoughts and reactions, and I have to say that her outlook is the most alien to me of any of my alters so far.

It used to make me uncomfortable when I would catch Jarett ogling some woman (discreetly, of course) walking down the hall. After all, I'm not interested in women. But I could, after all, appreciate the shape of her body as being attractive, at least. Rubi's habitual antagonism is nothing like my usual attitude, but I can remember being that angry at the world as a teenager. And even Kiara's cuteness is way off my usual behavior, but I understand it. Sam, well, Sam I get. I think we're the most alike.

Cherish is... different from me. More different. She is completely at rest, and not concerned with herself. No matter what I'm doing, I'm gauging my own reactions and how things affect me. She's listening for how the person with her is reacting and how they are affected. It's a polar shift. If nothing is happening at the moment, she's content to simply be still and wait. The rest of us want to make something happen, move on to the next step, whatever it is. She doesn't have an opinion for or against things - we're used to arguing as a group about our opinion about things. But whether we agree or not, we do HAVE an opinion - or several.

Cherish submissive and obedient. She comes out when called, and doesn't go away until dismissed. Perhaps as she 'grows into' a full part of us, she'll develop some... drive. But I don't think so. I'm trying not to be judgemental of this attitude, simply because it's so foreign to me. I want people to grow up and be proactive. But there's a peace in her passivity, a calmness I don't know how to process.

I think we need to be very careful who we allow Cherish to be with. I worry about her already. She could so easily be taken advantage of. The submissive mind she has seems so weak and fragile to me. But I think that might just be because she's opposite. I recognize there is a strength in that calm and passive acceptance. But I recognize it intellectually, not emotionally. I used to worry about Kiara the same way, though. I thought she was in need of protection because she's young. Protection from other people, from Rubi, from anything that would hurt her. And yet she's turned out to be probably the strongest of us. When we're hurting the most, she takes that and simplifies it, then disposes of it in her childish way by simply coloring or choosing another mode. Kiara doesn't overthink things, and I think Cherish may share the most with her by doing the same.

Psyche Out the Psycho (Me)

I thought I caught some lost time again this weekend. I was packing to head off for the evening to visit some friends, and anticipating the arrival of my ride - someone we all are pretty comfortable with. We slipped messily around as to who was out for a while, so the memories are fuzzy.

The next time I was fully in control, I was sitting with that friend, riding in his car. No big deal, until I looked at his clock, and it showed 11:47. He was picking me up at 4:30 in the afternoon. And it was currently daylight. Which meant it was either the next morning, or the day after that. And that's a whole lot of time for me to miss at once.

I sat very still for a while, looking for clues. The clothes I was wearing seemed to be the ones I had decided to wear out for the evening; I couldn't remember if what he had on was the same as when he picked me up. An internal query didn't answer anything. Finally I just picked up my phone to confirm the time.

And it said 5:30pm. His car's clock was wrong.

I reset the clock for him.

The 80-20 Insight (Lynn)

I'm recording this here as a concept which we need to think on more fully. On another multiple's blog (http://www.multiplicity.ca/), she tells of reaching an insight. About 80% of each personality is the same core person, with 20% being the differences from one another. And it's in that 20% that all the friction occurs.

We are each very much like one another. And in smaller but extremely telling ways, different, even opposites. Kiara is cute and accepting in ways that none of the others would ever want to be. Rubi's anger colors even her good moods; she is defiant and closed-off. Sam just won't take anything seriously, whereas I admit to taking everything seriously in my turn.

Food for thought and conversation...

Multi-Personality = Multi-Tasking (Me)

More from The Flock. A passage from Chapter 31:

"It was clear to me that, despite occasional bouts with depression, the Flock was more effective than many of the other graduate students. This was even more true now that we had our own apartment and could work undisturbed for fourteen or sixteen hours each day.... The Flock required only four or five hours of sleep a night. That left a lot of time for work. And the amnesia that in the past had crippled us became an advantage. Our production multiplied because each personality could focus on a separate task. Jo, for example, worked for many hours researching and writing a paper, unaware of what else needed to be done. When I pushed Jo aside to fulfill my graduate-assistant duties, I didn't worry about the progress of the paper. When Jo came back to work, whe picked up precisely where she had left off, with no concern about her 'lost time'.... Being a multiple apparently created more efficient use of my conscious and semiconscious mind. I didn't want to give up my greater productivity to become just like everyone else."

And I understand what she means. I frequently have friends marvel at my capacity to go, go go. Five hours of sleep a night is usually plenty, as long as I'm switching enough to give myself time to rest. The body needs a few hours, and the rest is for the mind. If Kiara takes over for an evening, for instance, I feel plenty rested with just four or five hours of actual sleep. And we can concentrate on several things at once. As an example, while Jarett's driving me to work, Lynn is often making a list of things to put on our to-do list for the day, Kiara or Sam might be singing with the radio, and I could be thinking of things I want to write here in this blog.

Multi-Level Multiple Personalities (Me)

I just read The Flock, another multiple's autobiography. And I marked a couple of passages to repeat here.

In a section clipped from her therapist's diary, there is something along the lines of what I wrote in my last post here. She groups the personalities, of whom there are dozens, into three groups. The first group are the 'autonomous personalities', "who are truly well defined and complete enough as individuals to be able to function autonomously, without the assistance of the others. Each appears to have as full a range of dispositions and capabilities as any individual person.... Then there are the special-purpose or 'single-motive' personalities, who have clearly defined tasks - such as organizing files, cooking, or cleaning house - and seem to have no interest in holding the outside consciousness after they have completed their tasks...." There is a third group as well, "'past-keepers', personalities who hold some experience or knowledge from the past. They fit into the system... by hiding memories that might prevent the autonomous personalities from functioning."

So for me, Sam, Kiara, and myself are all first-group autonomous personalities. At one time, I would have put Rubi into the second group, but I get a range of emotions from her now, not just hate, so I would call her autonomous as well, I think. Jarett, Cherish, and Lynn seem to be special-purpose personalities, and I don't know of any past-keepers. Or perhaps Silent One is one of those. I think this model has some use. By not expecting the same depth and fullness from each alter, perhaps I can allow each to fill their own niche more comfortably.

It's a Technical Thing (Me)

I'm always looking for a good analogy to explain what being a multiple is like, and last night I came up with one that I'd like to try out. It began when I was reading a book about another multiple, and something struck me that should have been obvious, if only I'd thought of it that way. This multiple had dozens and dozens of alters, and was explaining that all alters are not equal. Some are full-fledged personalities with memories and opinions and plans and dreams and friendships. But some alters are less filled-out. They exist to serve a particular function and then fade back into place until the next time they are needed.

These single-purpose alters are like utility programs on your computer. Like Notepad, or Calculator, they serve some simple function for a short period of time, and then you close them and they go away. Until you need them again. I feel that Jarett may be a 'utility alter' - he drives the car; occasionally he looks at women. But he rarely takes full control and thinks and feels. Lynn could be considered a utility program as well; she rarely operates without another alter co-conscious; she advises and guides.

But what about the others? If the single-purpose alters are utility programs, what are they? And it hit me... they are Operating Systems. And the analogy holds. Most people have one major personality - like a computer that boots to this O/S or another. But some computers can dual-boot, or can run one O/S over the shell of a different one. The computers I support at my job do something like that - they are running a DOS-based program in a Linux shell. From the user's viewpoint, you can't tell any difference between the DOS program and the Linux one.

I can boot to Rubi or Sam or Kiara or Me. Usually, though, I'll run on a shell of Me with Rubi or Sam or Kiara running in the front, where it's in use, but ready to be dropped at need back to just Me. At need, I can pull up the Counselor/Lynn program, or run the Jarett utility. I'm not sure, yet, but for now I guess I'd put Cherish down as a utility program as well.

Does that make Silent One a System Error?

And Now We Are Eight - A Little Redesign (Me)

Another month has passed between blogs. Things aren't feeling quite so bleak as they did before, but my shifting from one personality to another is still under restraint. My daughter goes back to college this weekend, so I expect we'll feel more free to be ourselves in the next few weeks than we have been.

There has been a lot of self-searching and internal conversation the last week or two, and it has resulted in some restructuring internally. We have found a new alter. Her name is Cherish. We tried to talk her into a more 'name-like' name, but Cherish is it. She's very submissive and sweet and quiet, which may be why we haven't noticed her up to now. None of us are submissive or quiet; though Kiara can be very sweet, at least. At least so far, Cherish exists only for interactions with one person - a gentleman that we expect will, at some point, be in a Dom/sub relationship with us. Other people have noted that, in his presence, we've displayed a different behavior set and attitude, but for some reason we never looked at another alter being the reason for that. Until I recognized her thoughts as separate from mine one evening while spending time with him. Since then, I've followed her thoughts to reach her and asked her to participate in our 'mental group talks'.

When one of the alters comes out to chat on IM or by phone, they'll usually sign off with /K for Kiara, /R for Rubi, /S for Sam, etc. Now I have two /C's - Cherish and Counselor. In light of this, Counselor has let us know that she will be happy to use the name Lynn, instead. A slight restructure, here. So the full roster of personalities is thus:
/M - Me
/K - Kiara
/S - Sam
/R - Rubi
/C - Cherish
/L - Lynn (formerly Counselor)
/J - Jarett
and the Silent One

Well, We Thought It Was Funny (Me)

Yes, my daughter is a cool person. Still haven't discussed the multiple personality situation with her, and I'm thinking I probably won't at this point. It just doesn't appear to be necessary. However, if it comes up, I'm less worried about how she'll take it.

So we (internally) had a good laugh the other day I want to share. My daughter, my guy, and I all went to the sub shop for sandwiches. The kid ordered first, then ran to the bathroom while hers was being made. My guy ordered two sandwiches - different bread, different meat, different toppings - and I ordered my usual. As the toppings are being put on all four sandwiches, my daughter comes back from the bathroom.

I could see her counting sandwiches - one, two, three, four - and noting that they were four different sandwiches - for the three of us. Then she looks questioningly at me and asks, "Are we getting a sandwich for someone else?"

Before I can answer, my guy pipes up with, "No, the extra one is for my multiple personality."

And without missing a beat, she couters with, "Oh, well tell Juan I said hello."

Beat. Beat. I can almost audibly hear the conversation inside my head - /Did you hear what he said? And what she said?/ And I/we burst out laughing in the sub shop. My daughter was halfway to the door by the time the guffaw hit. And my guy was just looking at me with an evil grin, waiting to see if I would react.

So, yeah, we thought it was funny. I've told the story to a few other people who thought it mildly amusing at best. But trust me, it was hilarious.

Whining Alert [Me]

I've been unhappy inside my head lately. That's why there's been no posts for nearly a month. I find that I'm perfectly content to run my mouth when things are going well, but we tend to close up shop when things aren't going so well, and stew in our/my unhappiness. And right now, I think I can point to relationships as being the root of my issues.

Several of the men that I have some tight friendships/relationships with are going through various things that are making them unavailable to me right now. I understand each of those situations, and it's perfectly reasonable that we can't get together lately. But with several of those situations added up, it leaves me feeling a little abandoned, even when rationally it's all reasonable. The answer to almost all these situations is time and patience - not my strong suit.

On the flip side of that, one of my guys has basically moved in with me. It wasn't an intentional decision; he's just started being at my house all the time. And that has its wonderful points - I always have someone to spend some time with, and get snuggles every night, and he goes with me to all the social events. However, I feel responsible to him and for him, and our living styles aren't quite that wonderful a match. And he's got his down moods that he's going through.

My daughter's still home, and she's found a job. I'm not spending much time with her; not that we didn't expect that. She's an adult, and wants to spend time with her friends, and has to arrange rides to and from work. But her presence in the house does mean one more person's schedule and needs to consider.

And lastly, I need a girlfriend. A girl friend. I usually prefer to spend most or all my energy with the guys, but I find a need a female friend to vent to and gripe with and make fun of the guys and just get some non-sexual comfort from. My roomate has been that girl friend since she moved in, but she's not been home much for several weeks, between staying with her boyfriend or just working a busy schedule that seems to be opposite of mine.

So yeah, I'm either spending way too much time or way too little time with the people that are important to me. And it's getting to me. I'm cranky and moody and depressed. I've been crying, and taking naps to avoid dealing with the situation. I've got to break out of this.

So how does this affect the multiplicity stuff, you might ask? Not doing so well there, either. With the kid home for the summer, I'm still not switching much around her. More, I'm not switching much when not around her either. Everyone's kind of hibernating, it seems like. It's lonely in my head lately. Rubi and Kiara have both come out for brief moments a bit, but not often, and not for long. I've seen little of anyone else, at least that I've noticed.

Littles' Night (Me)

This weekend, we're having a Littles' Night at our club. Now, in the kink community, a Little is someone who participates in Age Play. It's roleplay, where they take on the role of a child - infant, child, teen - and interact with someone else on that basis. In the multiple community, a Little is an alternate personality that is underage. I'm going to this party and I plan to let Kiara completely take over for the evening.

I/we feel safe being Kiara all evening at the club. Most people there already know that I'm multiple - I'm completely out to that community. And those that don't will simply assume that I'm age-playing, and it will work out fine that way. Also, several people will be going that I know Kiara cares about. One man that she's played with a little, another she has a huge crush on. And another multiple she knows, who also will be in little mode, I assume. And my sweetie will be there playing kitty-kat for the littles to play with too.

We're taking markers and printer-paper endrolls and coloring books. I hear there will be cookies and story time. We've both been excited about the party for a while now. Kiara picked out some new clothes to wear, and 'tested' the new markers. It should be a fun time.

Integration = Full-time Coconciousness? (Me)

I'm still thinking about integration as an idea. I finished Fractured Minds, and I'm getting the idea that integration may be less like killing off pieces of us, and more like being all-the-time co-conscious. The way he describes it, the internal conversation and negotiation is still happening after integration is considered successful.

So to confirm, my singleton friends, I need to hear from you. In your supposedly normal/sane/singleton heads, do you have dialogue and conversation between parts of your mind? Do you switch modes or attitudes to suit the task at hand? How disjointed is someone that's not multiple?

So I'm out to my daughter. Sort of. (Me)

My daughter is home from college. For the summer. I've had some discussions, both internal and external, about what that would mean for my household while she's home. While she's been gone, my household has become more and more a home/safe haven/hang-out place for a bunch of the kinky folk. I couldn't see closing down Motel M for several months. So I talked to my daughter about it. You know, I raised a really open-minded, cool person. She had a few very reasonable requests, having to do with the level of undress in the house and the use of her room. So I announced to the household that it's living as usual.

I teach a class at our local dungeon - "Dungeon 101: I'm Kinky, So Now What?" And one day last week, my daughter came upon some of the material for that class. She read the title out loud, and we held my breath, waiting for the reaction. She asked what the class was about, and that led to showing her the visual aids I use for the class. So I'm out to my daughter as kinky. She's fine with it, which I expected. She talked with her boyfriend about it, and let me know that she doesn't want to go to the dungeon herself, but she's fine with my lifestyle. We talked a little about some of the relationships I have, just for clarification.

So I'm out to my daughter as a kinky freak. And that went fine. I haven't talked to her about my multiplicity yet. I'm not sure if I'm going to. But her being around is already starting to put some pressure on our internal balance. If she's around, I'm out. I'm her Mom, and that's how it needs to be. Which means that the rest of us need to get out more when she's not around. She's a busy person; that's not too difficult. But we need to do so deliberately.

Am I being a coward? By all indications, she would take the news of my multiple personality status calmly and easily. I'm not sure if I'm protecting my daughter from having to deal with this, or protecting myself from having to tell her. Either way, we'll let the kinky out-ing settle in first before we tackle the possibility of coming out the rest of the way.

A Fractured Mind (Me)

I'm reading A Fractured Mind, written by fellow multiple Robert B. Oxnam.  This part tickled my fancy, so I'm sharing it. Contemplating integration, the dominant alter at the time is also considering stepping out of the central position and allowing another alter to take charge of their life:

In an ironic way, finding out about MPD came as a relief in this process. My burnout was total, and so I avoided a post-Asia Society life of sputtering about trying to light wet coals. Maybe it sounds bonkers to someone who does not have this disorder, but MPD gave me a chance to pass on my skills and memory bank without the responsibility of doing new jobs. It wasn't like dying. It was more like planned reincarnation.

I find this idea fascinating. And I think it makes the possibility of integration a little less terrifying. I can see where we've been a different 'me' in stages of life.

• I was a child, spoiled, a bit naive, well-loved and supported.
• My personality made a hard change at about 15, when I discovered boys and my parents' marriage fell apart. That led to my pregnancy and first marriage and dropping out of school. I guess you could call those Rubi's years.
• Then I had to pick up the pieces and grow up, attend college, raise my kid. Had another pitiful excuse for a marriage during those years, but when he left just before I turned 25, I made another huge shift.
• For six years, I was a born-again celibate single mom focused on raising my kid. And then, in my early 30s, I finally feel like I 'grew up'. I took control of my life, started having fun again. My daughter became a teen and started requiring less parenting and needing more friendship.
• And then I found kink and poly and discovered I was a multiple.

Some of these stages were really unpleasant. But they were valid parts of my life that define who I am today. I couldn't erase any of these stages and remain the same person. Likewise, I couldn't remove any of my personalities by integration and still remain the same whole. I like who I am, despite some of the shaky parts. And the idea of integration does feel a lot like 'killing' my personalities off one by one. However, if it's more like a purposeful abdication of power, taking turns being dominant, maybe-just-maybe that's something I could wrap my mind around some time and not be terrified. Some time. Not today.

Caught It - Losing Time (Me)

One thing that multiples suffer through a lot is losing time. Just completely missing the memory of what's happened over the last few minutes, hours, days. This isn't something I struggle with a lot. I think it's because I'm very co-conscious, but it could just be that it's happening and I'm missing it. Maybe my brain's hiding it from me. It does seem that, if someone reminds me of something that happened during that period, that memory will get pushed up close enough to the surface that I'll kind of remember it.

Monday I had an in-your-face example of this happening. I spent most of the day hanging with one of my friends. We drove around doing various errands. Early in the day, he pointed out that he hadn't gotten gas in his car in several days, and it was really low. We joked about whether the gas left would last through today's errands or not. After lunch, we got in the car, and I started to say something about the gas in the car, and suggest we better stop for some. But first I glanced at the gas gauge - and it's half-full. Now, obviously, we stopped for gas. But even aware of it, and trying to access the memory of doing so - nada. If put on the witness stand in a court of law and asked whether we had gotten gas that day, I would have said no, we did not. Absolutely sure. And yet, the gas gauge proved otherwise.

I've actually lost time several times with this particular friend. He's reminded me of several things we've done that I didn't remember until he said something. Big things, like half-day-long activities or things that were important to me at the time. Which tells me that I'm shifting around him a lot. But I don't know who it is that's hanging out with him. And he's one of those people that takes everything so in-stride, that I'm not sure whether he hasn't noticed, or he just hasn't felt it necessary to mention to me. Or maybe he's mentioned it to whichever alter is out, just not Me.

I'm working through how I feel about this. On one hand, I feel comfortable around him not to worry about shifting. So I'm not hyper-alert to it. On the other, I kind of feel like I lost my entire day off to someone internally, and I don't even know who.

Catch-Up after Con (Me, Sam, Rubi)

So I haven't posted much lately. I haven't had anything in particular I wanted to say. But I feel like I'm supposed to apologize to the invisible internet presence or something. Hey, what can I say, I've been busy. Last weekend I went to a convention. It's a convention for kinky folks, and we had a blast. This blog isn't for discussing the con specifically, but I want to put down some of the interactions it created for my system. My jaw hurts from Sam being out so much; I don't realize how wide she holds our mouth until the soreness kicks in. But I know Rubi and Kiara got a lot of 'out' time as well.

<SAM> It was really an ideal weekend for me - lots of people to meet, tease, and play with. I wrote FREE HUGS on my belly and wore clothes that would show it off - and I got lots of random hugging, both from friends and strangers. And got to bite on several hot guys. And received some nibbling as well that was oh-so-sexy. I don't think I was overly bratty to anyone who didn't enjoy it this year. Last year I did overdo it with one friend, and had to apologize to him. Poor stick-in-the-mud fellow. I got the kind of play that really revs my engine, and got to share that scene with someone I like an awful lot. Okay, there wasn't as much sex this weekend as I was hoping, but there was a ton of fun.

<RUBI> Okay, so my scene on the final night of the con was damned hot. There's not many people we trust to handle playing full-out, but I finally got to tangle with one of them. I've so missed him; it's been a few months since we've played. And it didn't hurt that a couple of hot burly guys came over to help out making sure we got all the space we needed. Yeah, nothing wrong with being surrounded by strong good-looking men.

<ME> Kiara doesn't want to write about her time at con, but she did get some fun. I missed several of the events that would have been great for her, though. She didn't even get to color anything. But there was lots of cuddling available. Counselor and I attended together a roundtable on Mental Health & Kink. I guess the only downside I can see from a multi point of view was Jarett. One of the people we rode down with is someone that has been flirting with Jarett a little, and I was hoping he'd be willing to come out and interact with her more, but it just didn't happen.

Watch Out, I Bite (Sam)

Yes, I bite... literally... and frequently. I love to bite, and chew, and nuzzle, and lick. I'm not the only one; M and Rubi and even little Kiara will bite. I guess you could say we have an oral fixation. The mouth is a great sensory intake. When you take someone into your mouth, you receive all kinds of input. The smell of the person you're biting. The taste on your tongue, the consistency of the flesh under your teeth. And many people make the most delicious noises when they're being bitten. And maybe wriggle in your grasp while you're biting. The only sense that's left out is sight. It's a very intense thing to do with someone.

And there are so many different things you can say with a bite. There are playful nips, little quick bites to tease and flirt and to stir the attention of someone you're playing with. Defensive nips say 'ow, watch out'. Nuzzles with light bites let you relish the attention you're sharing with someone. Licks and small bites for teasing. Locking down on a bite can be a challenge, or a response to a challenge. Growling bites say 'this is mine'. Long lingering shoulder bites to make someone melt down into a pool of sensory overload. Hard vicious bites to defend yourself and discourage someone from messing with you again. Gnawing bites to bring comfort and security. Or just a lock to hold onto something while your hands are busy elsewhere. Punishment bites to discourage bad behavior. And sometimes, chewing and sucking bites to leave a mark just because you can.

We've been exploring a much more feral space lately, as a group, and biting helps us get there quickly. We've been feeling out different kinds of animals, and spending time really paying attention to other people that identify as ferals. Several of the Motel folk identify as various types of cats. We also have a hawk, a cow, and several bears. All of whom appeal to me/us, but isn't really a great fit. Then we got to studying coyotes. Pack animals, very similar in behavior to wolves, but more playful and less serious about status and threat. Coyotes like to hang around larger predators like bears and cats, and are more comfortable in urban settings than other animals are. They'll even mingle with domestic dogs or wolves easily.

When we found a feral space that we could slip into, we thought it would be like shifting into another personality - here's the six people, Silent One, and the coyote. But it doesn't work that way. It's closer to the headspace we slide into when taking a beating. Our entire group-mind shifts into a world that has a different feel, a different set of rules. It's kind of like starting up a video game, and you have multiple characters to run - the rules are different in this game-world, but you still have the same group of people running it. When I'm running our beast (and remember this is Sam talking now), I'm a playful beast, nipping and teasing. Kiara curls up small and gnaws to comfort herself. Rubi's mean in animal form too, biting hard. Counselor is still motherly and takes care of the other critters in our pack.

Recently M's daughter started a conversation with her/us about biting people. Turns out she's a biter too. No surprise there, I suppose...

Let's NOT Go To The Movies (Me, Lynn)

So it seems that watching movies may not be the best activity to promote internal peace for me. Earlier this week, I went to the movie theatre, and ended up having a pretty major mental break. Of course, it wasn't just the movie. Background first - a couple of my friends are about to get divorced. It's running fairly amicably, so far. They decided to go to the movie together, for some reason. Her... boyfriend, for lack of a better term, was going too. So when the husband called and invited me, I got the impression he might need someone there as a buffer, so I had to go. Well, I dragged along my boyfriend, and several other people showed up as well.

So there were several factors going into this thing - the tension between the divorcing couple, the tension between her boyfriend and her husband, and several people there that I had never met. Also, I had had a horrible day at work, so I was already feeling a bit tense and unhappy for myself. And I had had to reschedule plans already made for the evening in order to attend, which will often make me grumpy.

Added to that, my boyfriend expressed some concerns about me watching this particular movie. We were going to see Sucker Punch. If you haven't seen it/heard about it, it's got a lot of surreal qualities and abuse themes and it's dark and weird. And partly takes place in a mental institution. Remember my problems watching Dragonfly because it was in a hospital with the surreal feeling? Yeah, much much worse. So he was right; this was not a movie I should have seen.

Getting through the movie was a little twitchy, but not horrible. But when it was over, I just had a mental break. The last things I remember clearly were walking down the hallway at the theatre clutching my coke in front of me like a life preserver, and the clock in my truck reading 9:41, and a feeling like I needed to cry. The next thing I remember really clearly is going to work the next morning.

---

This is Counselor, now, and I'll have to write the remainder of this post for M, as she wasn't participating in the rest of the evening. The movie made us - as a sytem - profoundly uneasy. It was too violent for Kiara, enough sex to attract Sam, enough violence to attract Rubi, girls in sexy outfits that tickled Jarett's attention, and a clinical setting that both interested me and made Silent One twitch. The movie characters seemed to dissociate between one reality and the next rather freely, which triggered our system quite severely.

When we left the theater, M had already made plans to go to a friend's house afterward. So her boyfriend left, and everyone else left, leaving her/us alone in the parking lot. We sat in our vehicle for a while trying to either cry and get it out of our system or recover, but that wasn't happening. So we went driving for a while; taking the longest possible way our friend's house. We went approximately an hour out of our way, and were still quite shaky when we arrived. Sleep was out of the question at that point, so pizza was ordered and a kids' movie was put on. Kiara finally emerged for most of the movie, and through her we were able to eventually sleep.

I am considering putting a hold on all movie-watching for a while, as this makes two movies that have triggered negative episodes lately. However, all that does is push off dealing with the issues. So the alternative is to wach some potentially triggering movies, deliberately setting off any negative associations, with some controls in place. Having a kids' movie handy to watch afterward seems to be a valid mechanism for overwriting the negative experience. I'd like to have at least two people with us that can deal with any alters that emerge, and watch the suspect movies early in the day when there is plenty of time to recover before bedtime.

It has been several days now since the movie, and we're still a bit weepy and on edge. We've not slept well all week, but it's difficult to determine which is cause and which effect. So we'll push through. We'll spend as much time as possible with positive people around us, and ask for some compassionate moments with those people. And we'll stay busy as much as we can. If things go really well, perhaps we can get a good night's sleep - or two nights, even. Then we'll see if our moods even out.

Colors and Images (Me)

Someone introduced herself to me by telling me a kid in her life said she was 'pink' and 'good'. And Kiara understood that immediately on a level that I don't think most adults have. And I've been working on a set of descriptors for each of us lately that includes a color that each of us carries around with us. Some people will call that an aura, or a totem color, or whatever. I don't really care what it's called; I've always seen people with a signature color. Sometimes it's because they wear a lot of that color, but sometimes it's just the way I feel around them. And there's often a certain theme image that associates itself with people. Sometimes an animal that person identifies with, other times an image from their career or hobbies. Or just something they like a lot. I have several friends that identify themselves with cats, as example. So here are some colors and images associated with my alters.

I'm Red. I always saw my Mom as Red when I was growing up, and as I've grown up, I've become more and more like her, including taking Red as my color. I have a red truck and prefer to wear my red leather jackets. I like red clothes and jewelry and drink lots of Cokes. My phone is red, my purse is red, my usb drive is red. It's just a color that feels comfortable to me.

Kiara is Blue and Butterflies. Blue is calm and curious. And butterflies are active and pretty and have a short attention span. This is her answer when I ask her why blue and butterflies. And all those things are traits she displays. She has a suitcase for her stuff that's blue with flowers. And she often colors with the blue crayon first.

Sam is Red, like me. We're very similar. She's also Purple. She likes most of the same things I do. She has a lot of energy and prefers to be on the go all the time. She's open and friendly, but also can be very demanding of attention. She loves to laugh, either with or at. And she loves to irritate someone to see how far they can be pushed before they push back. She has a lot of electicity in her personality. And I hope you understand that one, because I'm not sure I can explain it.

Rubi has to be Black, of course. Darkness, anger, pain... all those negative black emotions. Jarett is Brown. He's solid like dirt and wood, he's leather and something simple and solid. And he's an old cowboy hat, useful and comfortable and attractive. Counselor is Lilac and Lace. And her image is a clipboard - for taking notes for the rest of us, of course. And Silent One is the Grey of static on a TV that's not hooked up to anything.

So what's your color? How does that color feel to you?

Abandoned, Drugged, and Exhausted (Me)

I've been sick for the last week. Nothing serious, just feeling really yucky. And it occured to me as I got well that I was running the show alone. None of the alters had come forward to take over much during the whole time I was sick. It would have been nice to share the burden of dealing with it, but no such luck. It was my illness, all mine. Now, granted, that makes sense. If you were an alter, and could choose to either inhabit a sick body and feel bad, or hang out 'backstage', as it were, and just wait for the sick to go away, what would you do? Yeah, no one wants to be sick. But I missed them - I felt abandoned a little bit.

So in the past I've noticed that I seem to need less rest/sleep as a functioning multiple than I used to, and certainly less than my singleton friends seem to need. But while I was sick, I was completely exhausted! Just a simple trip to the store was enough to wipe me out. I wasn't sick enough to make me that tired. My thought is that I've become so used to sharing my time with alters that I'm just not prepared, rest-wise, for a full day in charge. And it wore me out doing 24/7 and being sick as well.

Of course, the drugs I was taking surely didn't help. Drugs sometimes hit multiples in unexpected ways, or so I'm given to understand. Non-narcotic pain pills rarely have any effect at all. The last time I took narcotics, I shifted fully to Kiara and wasn't even coconscious with her. Allergy meds can put me to sleep, or dry me out. Valium-type medications can have a very delayed onset. The only thing that seems to work 'as advertised' (and then some) is Nyquil. It cures every symptom I might be thinking about having and knocks me out for a minimum of eight hours. Usually. Once or twice it's done nothing at all for me. The only thing that seems to be reliable about taking meds is that they ALL raise my blood pressure. So here I was sick and drugging myself appropriately, and sleeping almost the entire time. As far as I know, no one shifted in for the whole weekend. But my memory's still fuzzy thanks to the drugs instead.

Well, yesterday I felt reasonably healthy - a lingering cough and stuffy nose to remember it by. Hey, it's Spring - everyone has a cough and a stuffy nose. And last night, back came the crowd. Minutes from falling asleep, and Kiara bounces into the forefront. She got a snack, bounced on my new bed a little, talked to my boyfriend till he fell asleep... generally just entertained herself. At 2 o'clock in the morning.

So over the weekend I slept literally half of each day. Now I'm back to a sleep deficit. Thanks, little girl.