A Fractured Mind (Me)

I'm reading A Fractured Mind, written by fellow multiple Robert B. Oxnam.  This part tickled my fancy, so I'm sharing it. Contemplating integration, the dominant alter at the time is also considering stepping out of the central position and allowing another alter to take charge of their life:

In an ironic way, finding out about MPD came as a relief in this process. My burnout was total, and so I avoided a post-Asia Society life of sputtering about trying to light wet coals. Maybe it sounds bonkers to someone who does not have this disorder, but MPD gave me a chance to pass on my skills and memory bank without the responsibility of doing new jobs. It wasn't like dying. It was more like planned reincarnation.

I find this idea fascinating. And I think it makes the possibility of integration a little less terrifying. I can see where we've been a different 'me' in stages of life.

• I was a child, spoiled, a bit naive, well-loved and supported.
• My personality made a hard change at about 15, when I discovered boys and my parents' marriage fell apart. That led to my pregnancy and first marriage and dropping out of school. I guess you could call those Rubi's years.
• Then I had to pick up the pieces and grow up, attend college, raise my kid. Had another pitiful excuse for a marriage during those years, but when he left just before I turned 25, I made another huge shift.
• For six years, I was a born-again celibate single mom focused on raising my kid. And then, in my early 30s, I finally feel like I 'grew up'. I took control of my life, started having fun again. My daughter became a teen and started requiring less parenting and needing more friendship.
• And then I found kink and poly and discovered I was a multiple.

Some of these stages were really unpleasant. But they were valid parts of my life that define who I am today. I couldn't erase any of these stages and remain the same person. Likewise, I couldn't remove any of my personalities by integration and still remain the same whole. I like who I am, despite some of the shaky parts. And the idea of integration does feel a lot like 'killing' my personalities off one by one. However, if it's more like a purposeful abdication of power, taking turns being dominant, maybe-just-maybe that's something I could wrap my mind around some time and not be terrified. Some time. Not today.