I haven't really gone very deeply into the kink side of my/our existence on this blog. This is about being multiple, not about being kinky. But this post is going to go into our kink a little more. I would warn you to not read it if you're uncomfortable with the subject, but odds are you wouldn't be here anyway, if you were. So there we are.
I, as a whole, am known to be a masochist - someone who enjoys pain and gets a sexual charge out of pain. Not all pain. I mean, when I get hurt, it hurts me, just like it does anyone else. If I stub my toe, it hurts and I curse and jump up and down and whine. But pain delivered purposely, that feels good to me in a way that most people don't experience.
Lots of people like sitting in a hot tub. And it feels very good. But not everyone can agree at what temperature 'feels good' turns into 'too hot'. Because of the way I'm wired, I'm probably going to like it hotter than most people. And even at 'too hot', I'll get a certain pride/pleasure out of withstanding it, even when it doesn't exactly feel good anymore.
But in feeling out how each of us, internally, are different, and how we're the same, I'm learning that each of us processes pain a bit differently, and enjoys a different range of intensity. And experiences it differently, as well. Let's consider a light caress to be a 1 and a 10 to be at the level of actually taking injury. When we scene as a group, we'll usually start with a warmup around 4, then build up to a 6 or more, depending on whom we're playing with. Rarely does a scene get up to 8 or 9, and that's reserved for someone that we trust to be so in control that we know they won't actually injure me. But I've been thinking a lot lately about how we each receive pain and how we process it.
Now, Kiara is uncomfortable with anything over about a 3. Anything that hits a 4 means someone's actually striking us, and she doesn't like it, so she won't stick around. A three could be a nice massage or a strong bear-hug. If you ask her about pain, her answer would be, "Don't want. I don't like it." But she doesn't like to be tickled, so a 2 or 3 is good for her.
I'm actually happy from about 3 to 6 in my sensations. I like a massage that really get the knots out, and the pain is processed as a sexual charge. Someone digging their fingers into my breast or biting my neck turns me on the same way most people would process their breasts being squeezed gently or their ear being nibbled on. It's a definite pain-to-sexual input direct conversion. "Sure, hurt me, oh that feels good."
When the pain runs from about 5 to 7, that's when Sam get interested in being involved. Being shoved into a wall or thrown to the floor will make her laugh and tease. But it's not directly sex to her. Instead, sex and roughhousing both feed her need to be entertained, she exults in the attention and the sheer sensory input, whether it's sexual or not. The exhange of pain and power and energy is what she's enjoying, and she likes more intensity than I do, but not as much as Rubi. "Pain is fun, let's have some more."
Rubi won't even bother to show up until pain reaches about a 7. Whether she's self-inflicting or being hurt by someone else, she's the one who wants to push that line from 8 to 9, until that 10 - Actual Injury - is looming. Pain isn't necessarily to be enjoyed for her; it's to be endured, battled, conquered. Something about receiving more and more pain is a way she proves herself. "Give me more; I can take it."
Cherish has shown herself to be outside this scale, in some ways. She doesn't enjoy the pain, or even seek it. She accepts it if it's given to her, but doesn't seem to care all that much whether she's being hurt or not. Whipping that I know I feel on a 5 or 6 barely seems to be noticed by her. She nearly seems to sleep through sessions that I know would be closer to Sam's tastes than mine. But she's not receiving the pain and feeding it into laughter or sex or battle. It feels like it's just washing over her, fading past. However, a light touch, something at 1 or 2, washes through her like a bright light. It's beautiful to watch from my spot in the back of our consciousness, and it has the same... taste... as Rubi's 9 pain. It's like her scale is reversed. I'm sure that something at the upper end of the pain scale would get reaction out of her, of course, but it's the lower numbers that she responds most powerfully to. "I'll accept your pain if you wish," seems to be her attitude.
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