Anger or... Control? [Me]

I had some revelations about Rubi last night. She was out for a good while. Normally, if she's out, we're actively scening, so it's not a good time for examining the psyche. But last night I was able to watch her interact with Boss a lot. She doesn't spend a lot of time with him; she normally only comes out to interact with a few certain people. And again, then only in a kink-play situation.

I've always considered her defining issue to be Anger. When she's out, when she's playing, she's angry. She's challenging her partner and her self. She's pushing the limits - hers and theirs. And that appeals to a lot of partners. When she tops, she takes her bottoms to a place where they didn't think they could go. She pushes them until they call a halt. Or she may stop just shy of that limit. But the limits will be right there close by. As a bottom, she expects her tops to do the same for her. It can't be easy. And she takes everything from them that they can give her. When she's done with a scene, both people are exhausted, but not broken. But even examining that, and watching her last night... That's not anger. Challenge, yes. Exhaustion, fear, pain, yes. But not anger - although that can be part of what she feels while playing.

What I have figured out is that Rubi is about Control. Self-control, especially. She is so full of Anger and Challenge, but she doesn't unleash it willy-nilly. She has a very tight strict control over herself. And to give up control to someone else requires that they have a sense of control at that same level or higher. When she is topping, she abuses them until they no longer have control, but she has control of the situation. She wrests that control away from them until they give up and quit trying to be in control of the situation. As a bottom, she is looking for someone to take control away from her. Because she has such tight control of herself, that for her to respect a top and give herself to them, they have to control her more than she controls herself.

And Whew... [Me]

So I've finished telling my parents. It wasn't majorly traumatic. We were at a restaurant, and had placed our order. We were the only customers in a small room, so no one was going to overhear or be disturbed. I just said that I had something to tell them. Mom gave me the stink-eye, and I told her I'd wait for her to be finished. So I told her that I have multiple personalities. She and my step-dad both had a few questions, but mostly reacted with a statement that they don't know enough about it to know what questions to ask. I answered the ones they did ask.

So it's out. That's the last major reveal I think I have. I mean, I'm still not openly multiple at work, but it just isn't a work issue, so it's not their business. I feel better.

Ready to Tell Mom [Me]

I've decided to come out to my mom about being multiple. She already knows I'm poly, and I'm sure she'd guess the kinky if she wanted to. But it's time to tell her I'm multiple.

My mom and I are really close. Until about 8 years ago, we lived no more than 30 minutes apart, and saw each other a minimum of two or three times a week. My daughter and I lived with her for several years. The three of us have been the best of friends. But it's been in the last few years, when she's living 5 hours away, that I've discovered and been dealing with being multiple.

At first, there was the idea that maybe I'm not multiple, maybe it's just something I'm going through, it'll go away. In which case, there was no point involving my parents, because they couldn't do anything about it anyway. I mean, she's not involved with picking the guys I date, either. We're just not wrapped up in each other's day-to-day lives. Not anymore.

After a while, when I realized this wasn't going away, and I'm a multiple, like it or not, I still didn't tell her. I was dealing with coming out to people I did see every day, people who were going to see an alter come out and needed to be ready to interact with them. It was scary for me, really intense and stressful, to tell people. Of course, most everyone I told pretty much shrugged and accepted it. Even - especially - the people closest to me. But Mom - and my daughter - they are so much more than just close to me. Rejection from them would be the most horrible thing ever. If friends can't handle me being multiple, then fine, I'll get other friends. But my mother and my daughter? I can't risk losing them. It would be like cutting off a limb. Or an alter.

I did finally come out to my daughter, first about the kink, and when that went well, about being multiple. And she took both so wonderfully that I almost went and told my mom then, while I was still riding the success. But then my reason was that I was protecting my mom. I mean, this is going to make her worry about me. It's what we parents do. And she can't do anything really to affect things, so it's useless worry from 5 hours away. How is that a nice thing for me to do to her? Sure, it would make me feel better to have her moral support, but do I have the right to lay my burden on her? Is it fair to hand her something more to be worried about?

Okay, as a parent, I can say that the argument is invalid. We worry about our kids, whether there's anything to worry about or not. If my daughter found out that she had some sort of mental or health condition, whether I could do anything to help her or not, I'd want to know. And I would be upset if she didn't tell me.

So now I worry that my mom will feel betrayed when she realizes that I've known this for a few years now and haven't told her. But I can't change that. Better a couple of years than a decade or more, right? I know she'd rather know than not. And I want it to come from me. How horrible would it be if I was hospitalized, or died, or something else bad happened, and Boss or the kid had to tell her this big secret in my life, instead of me? What if I died, and at the funeral, people start talking about missing Kiara, or something like that? She would definitely feel betrayed then. That would be a nasty thing on top of everything else.

So I'm going to tell her. I'm going to be spending four days up there at Thanksgiving. So I'm going to try to find time to talk to her about it then. I'm not guaranteeing that I'll tell her this weekend, but I'm preparing to do so. I'm going to take with me the little book I made about my alters. And I warned the daughter about the conversation, in case an alter comes out and needs someone they know there to hold their hand a bit. Kiara and Paul both really like her, and she'll be comforting to have around.

I'll let you know how it goes. If it goes. When it goes.

Diaries of a Broken Mind [Me]

So many things going on lately. I've been too busy to blog, haven't known what to say. I still don't. But I'm going to share this video. Jess, a fellow multiple, did a DID talk at her school (which I blogged about already), and I ran across the video of it. We've become Facebook friends. She was selected to be in Diaries of a Broken Mind, which was a BBC documentary about people dealing with mental illnesses. Jess has now put a link up to the show, so here you go:

You can see her come up at 13:29 and 48:33, then again at 1:06 and 1:22. The others are mostly bipolar, eating, and social disorders.

The Mental Illness Happy Hour [Me]

Just a few minutes ago, I was looking around at my desk saying, "Okay, what's next?" And I realized, there's nothing that NEEDS to be next. I took a moment to just realize that. It's been weeks since I was close enough to caught up to be at that place, where sure, there are things to do, but nothing that I really need to do before the other things that I could be doing. I was stuck for a moment. I've been so caught up in being busy lately that I didn't know what to do. So I came here. I miss blogging so much. I certainly feel mentally healthier when I come here and write about what's going on with me. And finally my blog ended up at the top of my to-do list for a moment!

One of the things that have been taking time away from blogging is mentalpod.com - The Mental Illness Happy Hour. One of the people that came to my kink class for healthcare professionals recommended it to me. Twice. So I made a point of checking it out. I finished listening to my first podcast today - first of any kind; I don't know anything about this world of podcasting. It's very hard for me to listen and pay attention without something visual; I suspect I won't keep up with it very well. But I also went over to the forums and signed up. I described myself as a kink educator, and didn't say anything about being multiple. Maybe I'll get around to addressing it from that side of things as well. And I wrote the podcaster and offered to be a resource for him, maybe a guest blogger. I also read some of the blogs and guest blogs on there, and I wanted to share one or two here.

Here's one - a very positive self-assessment about Living With Mental Illness. I try to have this sort of outlook, and I appreciate Andrea sharing it. The other is by the podcaster, Paul, and it's about depression -The Power of Shame & Secrets. I love this intro:

I’m in a funk.   I don’t want help.    I don’t want the healthy solution.   I want the unhealthy distraction.
I want some fucking excitement.
I’m sad.   Not suicidal.   Just flat.   Nebraska flat.

I know how he feels. This is what I feel when I'm shaking into or out of a depression. Flat, bland, bored with myself and my feelings. I just want to feel. And that flat feeling can last for a long time, and it crops up again all the time. And every time, it makes me afraid that a depression is coming. But not too afraid, because I'm feeling too flat to care all that much.

It shows up in my sexual emotions first, I think. At least where people outside my head can see it. In the middle of sex, I'll be feeling kind of "Well, here I am. I guess this is fun, but if I were sleeping instead, that would be fine." Even more so as my partner is trying to arouse me, to interest me in sex. When I'm not flat, I'll initiate sometimes, but I'll usually wait for them to do so. When I get all flat, it's almost impossible to get myself feeling excited until the sex is actually happening. I've been there the last few days. I'm not depressed, but I'm not excited; I'm just a little flat. Sorry, Boss; please keep trying. I'll catch up to you soon, I hope.

Snippets [Me]

Life's been full of ups and downs lately. I don't have a big thing to type, so here's a few small things.

Yesterday I had a panic attack. Which I had never experienced before Paul showed up. And I was at work. So I went and hid in the bathroom for a little while, and did a mental check-in with the kids. It was weird, because it was the most clearly I had ever seen an interaction between me and other alters without working hard to do so. I was looking into Kiara's room from the doorway, and I could see her with some dolls - Barbies maybe? - in each hand, having them have a conversation. She was sitting in that weird way little kids have, sort of kneeling, but with legs splayed out to each side. She looked over her left shoulder at me and said, "Yeah, I'm just peachy." And went back to playing. Then I looked in on Paul. And I could both see him from my point of view and see me from his point of view. It was so unusually clear. I asked him if everything was good with him, and he gave me that teenager kind of sigh. "Yeah, fine," he said, and then shut the door slowly. So odd to see it that clearly.

One of the things I adore about the boyfriend is that he's very laissez-faire and accepting of quirks. Don't get me wrong, Boss is too, but the boyfriend even more so. The other day he came up to me while I was playing a game on the computer - just a stupid Facebook game, but I really hate interrupting things. And he waited for a minute until a good break to say whatever he had to say. And when I thanked him for it, he explained that for him, too, getting interrupted in something, even something kind of throwaway, is unpleasant. I wish I could remember how he phrased it; it came out so thoughtful and sweet.

I was bemoaning my laxity in posting lately - I know I've been neglecting my blog, but I haven't been in the mood. And I heard someone in my head, not one of the kids, go "We have a blog? Hey, we have a blog!" And since Rubi, Sam, Gracelyn, and Paul have all posted on the blog at some point, I've got no clue who that was. Maybe it was a 'forgot'.

This weekend's going to be a big one. I'm teaching a class on kink to a bunch of social workers, therapists, and medical folk. Boss is doing a presentation for that, too, and then he's teaching a class on negotiations to kinky folk on Sunday. So yeah, very stressful. I've been feeling like I'm not up to it, even though I know I am. Can't wait for it to be over, though.

Photo Album

I made a photo album about me - about us - as a multiple. Here's a link to it - Multiplicity of Meronym (Shutterfly book)

The Numb Kind [Me]

Still dealing with depression. Not during the day. No, during the day I push through and fake it well enough to function just fine. At supper time the tension starts building. I go to bed hopeful things will be okay this night, and then Boss comes to bed. And one or the other of us - or both - will take exception to something the other says, or doesn't say, or did, or didn't do. And then we have a big fight. Again. We're both spiraling down, and dragging the other with us.

I hate this. I just feel numb about everything. I feel like I'm dragging my feet through life, waiting for things to get better. I can't get really happy about anything. We went to the club last night and played, and even though I got a really heavy buzz from the scene, I still wasn't Happy about it. I was, at best, pleasant. I don't want pleasant; I want giddy and silly and horny and laughing. The best I seem to be able to do is pleasant.

I can get the negative feelings to show up. Kind of. When the fighting starts, I vacillate between hurt and numb. There's some guilty - thanks to guilt trip behavior. There's some hurt for his hurting, and some feeling that it isn't fair. But mostly it's a sense of resigning to the fact that yes, we're going to fight again. And I participate until I'm sure it's going nowhere good, and then the numbness covers me up and I just give up. I can't even hold a good mad. And the hurt only kicks in when it becomes enough to overwhelm the numbness. So I'm left crying and hurting and needing compassion.

Needless to say, my sex drive is kaput. So that gives us something more to fight about. I want to be horny, but yeah, isn't happening. My sleep is suffering, obviously. Notice I'm out here typing at 11pm, knowing I have to get up in the morning for work. My concentration is pretty flighty; luckily I don't need a lot of it at work. Monday, it was a joke to think of actually getting anything done.

So I often kind of half joke and say that I've got a two-year expiration date. I just checked; I got serious with Boss two years ago next month. This month, in an hour. Some joke, huh?

Akhilandeshvari - Change, Fear, and Brokenness [Me]

I ran across this article from Facebook today - http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/06/why-being-broken-in-a-pile-on-your-bedroom-floor-is-a-good-idea-julie-jc-peters/. Go ahead and read it, or at least skim it; I'll wait.

I have certainly found myself lying broken in a pile on my bedroom floor - more than once. Usually it follows after weeks of trying to hold it together and be strong to deal with all the things I or we need to deal with. And I'll seesaw back and forth between 'holding it together' and 'falling apart', until I finally crash, completely and utterly, and hit the bottom of depression. There's crying and not talking and staring into space, maybe even throwing up and taking naps at weird times and eating binges. But I can't seem to get back up to a healthy point without that crash. When you're at the bottom, you can't go anywhere but up, right?

I've been floating up and down on that seesaw a lot lately. I'm not depressed, but I'm definitely not happy. I know it's stressing Boss out a lot, or his stress is stressing me out a lot. Whatever; it goes both ways. But I can't crash yet, because the problems causing the stress still exist. Some of them. There's money problems - but there are always money problems. Boss got a job, so that one's clear. But Boss and the boyfriend are still all cold shoulders to each other, and I can't seem to figure out a way to change that. My teaching is going excellently! But I'm putting in a lot of extra work on my classes. I'm not sleeping well, and my switching around seems to be kind of erratic. Boss and Paul have worked some things out, and that's really great. And I still own a house that I need to sell, and both our vehicles need to be traded in and replaced. So yeah, too much chaos to crash and restart yet. So I'm holding it together. Mostly.

So this goddess, Akhilandeshvari. She seems to be a multiple's patron goddess. Always change and chaos and brokenness. Harnessing fear and spinning it around to be strength. I love this line: "All the places where you’ve shattered can now reflect light and colour where there was none. Now is the time to become something new, to choose a new whole."

I searched the name of this goddess, and came up with a few more good articles. Every one of them was kicked off by reading that original article I just linked to you above.

More MPD Dance [Me]

A few months ago, I blogged about the MPD Dance my daughter choreographed. I finally got to watch the video, and Boss watched it with me. I can't share the video still, but here are a couple more pics from it.

Watching it again was great. I couldn't see the expressions on the dancers faces; that was a great part of seeing it live. But watching it smaller this time was still pretty powerful. Getting Boss's reactions to it was great, too. He recognized some of my alters in her dance; that's pretty good choreography, considering that my daughter hasn't even met all of us yet. Below, you can see a Rubi-equivalent trying to get the body's attention.

Maybe this is Growth? [Me]

This week's had some highs and lows. I've been wanting to blog, but not sure how to present things, or how much to present. I'm still not sure right now.

Biggest downer first. We had a huge... incident a few nights ago. Paul was out, and Boss asked for Baby Paul, and no one's really sure what happened next, but next thing I'm sure of is that I was out, but completely panicking. And I wasn't all the way out; I was in a bit of a fugue/dream state, and the panic was completely overwhelming. I was hitting out and screaming and fighting. I think. I was in my head, but I gather that externally the action was a bit more subdued. It reminds me of the nightmares and waking-up effects from when I was married the first time and reacting to abuse by majorly dissociating. Of course, Boss took care of me as best he could; he always does. I know I worried him a lot. But we've discussed what we think might have happened and things to try to avoid triggering something like that again.

Now, the strange thing is, to me, that Silent One didn't come out at this point. This is the type of reaction among which Silent One was born. The panic would lead to Silent One comatose back then. And more recently, the panic would lead to Silent One active and defending itself. Instead, it was - as far as Boss or I could tell - me, possibly a younger version of me, just panicking. So we got to talking about Silent One, and realized it hasn't been out in maybe a couple of months. Internally, we've gone to Silent One's 'room', where the jungle plants stick out through the bars on the door, and stood there, making noise. There doesn't really seem to be anyone home. Is Silent One missing? And if it is, is that a good thing or a bad thing? We're not really sure what to think about that.

Good stuff, though. Partially in outcome from the big incident, Boss and Paul ended up really having some good chat time, and spent some time talking about how things work - should work - could work, as well as just hanging out together. We went to a munch earlier this week that was followed by arcade gaming, and Paul had a great time that night. Kiara's been out a lot lately, too. There have been several movie trips and shopping trips for her. So she's happy these days. I think she's finally 90% over Bear. I worry that it seems she's slower to whole-heartedly like people now, though. She's not supposed to grow up that way.

After the incident above, when I came mostly to, I realized I couldn't talk. Just didn't seem to be able to make that 'program' function. I tried to sign to Boss, but I don't know enough sign to communicate well, so he thought I was telling him my head hurt, so he turned off the light. So no more signing. Baby Paul made some rudimentary signs last night, too. I think it's time for me to start learning more sign language.

Teaching is the Big Thing [Me]

Lately, I've been really busy getting teaching stuff together. I've got classes planned at least twice a month from here on out! Sometimes I joke that I need an alter to do nothing but teach, but really I've got it covered pretty well. But it is something I'm spending a lot of time on. I'm also working with a local nurse who will be presenting to a nursing convention this fall to help her put together her information. So I have four different class-type things I'm working on for myself:

For about three years, I've been teaching something called Dungeon 101. It's a monthly 'Welcome to the Dungeon' class, for people who are new to the Nashville community, whether or not they're new to kink. It's been really successful, getting 20-30 people at it nearly every month.

Some of the people coming to that class wanted to get the same information presented to their family & friends that want to know more about kink, but without bringing them to the dungeon itself. So then I started teaching a class called Kink 101. It's not as in-depth about actual play, but covers more about safety and being in an alternative lifestyle. I've taught it a couple of times in the last year, and planning to do so again next month.

Earlier this year, I worked with a local psychotherapist to do a bigger version of that class that was directed specifically at healthcare providers - doctors, nurses, counselors, therapists, etc. It's Kink 101 for Healthcare Providers, but we've been calling it just Pro 101. And I'm going to be doing it again this fall!

And starting this month, I'm part of a team of people teach a series of monthly classes called BDSM Basics. The first class of this will be an Intro to BDSM, but then we'll do things like Basic Rope, Negotiating a Scene, Basics of Impact, stuff like that.

Well, in the last few weeks, I've talked to people about doing another Kink 101, doing Pro 101 again, and then presenting Kink 101 at two different conventions in town! I've also been talking about doing Kink 101 and/or Dungeon 101 with folks in several nearby towns, but nothing definite on that. So here's my upcoming schedule, which I'm very excited about:
July - Dungeon 101, BDSM Basics begins
August - Dungeon 101, BDSM Basics, Kink 101
September - Dungeon 101, BDSM Basics, Pro 101
October - Dungeon 101, BDSM Basics, Con-Kink 101 (maybe)
November - Dungeon 101, BDSM Basics, Con-Kink 101 (maybe)
December - Dungeon 101, BDSM Basics

Quote Files Anniversary

So today is the one-year anniversary of another blog. I love to collect quotations, so here are the ones that I've collected that mean something to me - http://quotefiles.blogspot.com/

Bowling Trip [Paul]

We went bowling last night, and several of us got to actually bowl, so it's worth talking about here. We, as a system, have some great friends who are really open to dealing with us as a multiple and really accepting. I mean, they ask questions about being multiple and stuff, which is cool. But even better, they accept whoever's out like it's just no big deal. And that's really awesome.

So it was some of those folks we were with yesterday. They are people we know from the club, which is where we're completely out about being multi. The people organizing it have known M and me and Kiara for a while, and maybe some others? And MK went with us, so we felt pretty comfortable being whoever we wanted to be.

M was out when we got there. She said hi to everyone, and she went ahead and started bowling. The friends I mentioned bowled with us, and it was just having fun; nobody was being competitive or anything. Mostly we were sitting around talking, and just happened to be bowling at the same time. They did ask about this blog, which is pretty cool. It's always kinda nice to know somebody's reading.

For the second game, I asked if I could come out. I knew that M would get tired and hurting pretty quick; she's old. But I'm ambidextrous, so I could bowl left-handed and give the right arm a break. Now, I'd never bowled before, I don't think, but I've got access to the 'how-to' files in our head, so I just tried to do the same thing M does, only on the other side. I guttered out the first few balls, but then I got the hang of it and did pretty well alright.

The original plan was that Kiara could come out and bowl the third game, but about halfway through my game she decided she didn't want to. She told me that she was afraid people would make fun of her, or she'd be really bad at it. I mean, I told her these people wouldn't care, but she's pretty stubborn. She didn't want to do it. So after the second game, several people didn't want to continue, and we walked around to see what games and stuff there were in the arcade part of the bowling alley.

When we got back, someone suggested that we could put the bumpers up, and Kiara got really excited and said she would try bowling, if she got to use bumpers. So we set up a third game, and switched out to let Kiara bowl. After her first frame, though, the bowling alley people put the bumpers down. And when one of our friends asked about it, they said bumpers only for kids. Kiara got really pouty about that, and almost started crying, but she managed to get through it and play anyway. And as it turned it, she almost beat my score, so she had nothing to worry about!

So yeah, we had fun. But it would have been really weird for someone watching that didn't know we were multiple. See, M bowls kinda normally. Right hand, and rolls it down with a fairly standard amateur kinda roll. I did pretty much the same kind of roll, only with the left hand. And Kiara holds the ball upside down from normal, like she's dangling it off of the two fingers, and rolls it down underhand. And she throws it a lot softer than me, and I throw it softer than M, I think. M bowled a 91, and I got 62, and Kiara got 58, I think.

But I know watching from a distance we've all got different body language and everything, too. So it probably looked confusing. But because the people with us know all three of us, we all got a turn, and it was really comfortable and easy. It was a fun night.

I Hate Christians [Me]

Sometimes, I really hate other Christians. Well, not other Christians, because they aren't the same kind of Christians I am. But they call themselves Christians, and they shove that down the throat of everyone they meet. And when I identify as a Christian, the victims assume I'm that kind of Christian and hate me for it, and I can't even blame them. 

Let's split terms here. I believe that my God wants me to love people and be good and be happy. I prefer to think of Christianity as my faith, rather than my religion. So let's call people like me Faith Christians. And then there's the other folk, that tell everyone they're going to hell and argue and accuse and make the rest of the world think poorly about Christianity. Let's call them Religious Christians.

The impetus for today's rant comes from a friend who came to me asking for advice. She's in a therapy group where they are insisting that she recite the Serenity Prayer before every meeting. However, she's not Christian; why should they force her to say a Christian Prayer? That would be like my Muslim coworker dragging me to an office for prayer to Allah several times a day. How would that make any sense? I don't pray to a God I don't worship; why should she?

But what really made me angry came next. She has panic attacks every time someone starts talking about God because she grew up being told that she was a sinner and the Devil's child, and that God and Jesus were going to get her and punish her and make her suffer for it. She had this pounded into her head until she can't stand to even set foot in a church. She told me, "maybe one day I'll square out my issues with Jesus, but until then, I'm scared to death of him, God, and those who follow them". She's been told over and over that God is the big scary guy in the sky judging her and condemning her to Hell because she is evil. God is just as scary to her as Satan is.

I was really proud that she felt safe talking to me, knowing that I was a Christian, as she got into explaining. But I was also incredibly sad for her. The entirety of Christian teaching can be summed up as LOVE. And yet religious Christians were able to twist that around to terrorize this poor girl until she's afraid of the one being with the purest love for her. I hurt for her that she can't experience that love the way I do. And then I became angry. How dare these religious people sit in judgement of someone, telling her that she's evil, stealing away her ability to trust in her own Father?

Unfortunately, I have found Religious Christians to be some of the most judgemental, pushy, and negative people in my life. It's no wonder that I have so many friends that are Buddhists or pagan. I much prefer to talk faith with them than with these religious people. They are much closer to God - I mean, Love.

My Faith [Me]

I have several writings and references to my system of believing, and I'd like to bring them all together in one place. To many people, I probably don't appear to be a really heavily religious person. And for a lot of people, 'religious' is not a really positive term. It brings up images of people shoving tracts in your face, saying you'll go to Hell if you don't believe the way I believe. So that's correct, I'm not very religious. However, I have a deep faith in God and my relationship with Him. 

I didn't always; as a child I attended church a couple of times a year, Easter being one of them. And if you had asked me my religion, I would have said that I was Christian, because that's what was expected of me. I went to various churches, cathedrals, synagogues, and other places of worship with friends and classmates. There were a lot of Jewish kids in my class, so I attended a LOT of bar mitzvahs and bat mitzvahs at that age. As a pre-teen and teen I went to a Baptist summer camp for several weeks each summer. And I learned the church songs; I loved to sing them. But I was there for a getaway and to ride horses and have friends. I did get baptized at that camp, and I did get a better idea of what being Christian meant. But it wasn't an important thing in my life.

And then my daughter was born. And as she grew, so did my relationship with God. I got it, finally. He's my father. He loves me and guides me the way I love and guide my daughter - only better. And I listen about as well as most kids do to their parents, I have to admit. But that parent-child relationship was the foundation of my faith.

A few years later, my Mom was attending a local non-denominational church, and we started going with her. Again, for me it was more about singing in the choir and working in the nursery than it was learning about God. And it was about spending time with other Christians, trying to love each other. And it was about getting my daughter into some activities with some folks that would be better influences. For several years, it was good for us.

I don't attend church now, but that doesn't really matter. My Father and I, we have a relationship. Sometimes I remember to check in with Him a lot, sometimes I forget for a while. Just like with my Mom. But I know that He's watching and that He's there if I need Him.

So what do I believe? I believe my God wants me to be the best person I can be. I should treat other people with love and respect. I should help myself while asking help from Him. I should do no harm, to the best I am able. And when I mess up, I should ask for forgiveness. And when forgiveness is asked of me, I should try to grant it. I should accept happiness in myself, so that people look at me and want to have the kind of faith I have. Pretty much the same things I want for my daughter to be.

I started this off to link other writings about my faith here. Here's one I wrote on Facebook first - Faith as a Parent. A friend expressed surprise that I was Christian when she found out; what she meant was that I'm not 'that kind' of Christian. I have found lately that Tolerance has become a major part of my faith. And following that tolerance issue a step further, we arrive at Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

So what triggered off this particular writing was actually an interview with Bono. Go read it; I think he and I may just worship the same God in a very similar way.

I Wanna' Be Like You [Me]

Because I'm a multiple, and I'm out about being multiple, other people come up to me asking if I think they might be multiple, too. And the short answer is, I can't answer that for you. If you think you might be multiple, I'm going to advise you to see a therapist/counselor/psychologist/psychiatrist/etc. Because I can't tell you if you're multiple. Honestly, they probably can't tell you either, but they can help you figure it out. 

Because there's no way to test for multiplicity. I can't even prove it to myself some days. Maybe I really have just made it up. I just want the attention. I'm trying to make myself be different, special. I can just stop being multiple. And then I switch. Oh yeah, I'm multiple. And my headmates laugh at me. But there's some bite to the laughter, because what if one day, I stop switching and I'm just Me? 

Well, surely I can tell if someone else is multiple if I get to know them, right? I mean, there are three other multiples in my household. And I'm friends with several other multiples. So I can tell the difference, right? Well, no. Because each of us display our multiplicity in different ways. Boss didn't think he was multiple before because his didn't 'act' like my metamour's multiplicity. His system's manner is more like mine. There is no single definitive behavior that 'gives away' someone's multiplicity.

If you tell me you are multiple, that you are certain of this, and that you know your headmates and are dealing with being a multiple and have been dealing with it for some amount of time measured in years, I'm going to simply believe you. You can't fake this for a long period of time. Well, unless there's something else going on in your psyche, which I'm also not qualified to determine. It's too much work to be multiple, and to fake it would be even more work. Especially if you're faking it to yourself.

If you ask me, however, if I think you are multiple, based on one or two events you've experienced, I'm going to say that you probably aren't. Everyone experiences moments of dissociation from time to time. Everyone acts out of character and feels like they can't control it sometimes. And if you're a writer, yes, your characters will take over your mind from time to time. Most people had imaginary friends when they were young, and most people have had some sort of trauma in their lives that could have caused them to split. None of that makes you a multiple.

When you have a solid pattern of all these things happening over and over, and they happen when you're by yourself and when you're around other people, then you have some suspicion. And even then, maybe you have something else going on. Maybe you're depressed or bipolar or just have very poor self-control. Add to these things some memory blackouts that weren't caused by alcohol or drugs. Add in things appearing at your house that you don't remember buying or bringing home. And maybe some friends coming up to you and telling you that you've been... different... at times. Then you can suspect you might be multiple.

And you'll never really prove it for sure to yourself or to anyone else. Because there is no proof. Most multiples that I've talked to have moments of doubting they are multiple, even after dealing with it for years and years. Look back through my blog - does any of this prove I'm multiple? No. Maybe I just have a really thorough imagination. I am an actress, after all. I could be delusional, and I've convinced even myself. I'm a writer, too. Maybe I'm just setting up a story I plan to write. Have I made you doubt me yet?

Here's another point. Most multiples that are seeing a therapist of some sort go through a period where the alters know they're part of a system, and then the therapist knows, but no one tells the primary. Wait, what? No one tells this person who has sought out guidance what it is they are dealing with. That's standard procedure in counseling multiples, folks - don't tell them. Because they have to come to it on their own. Dissociating is a defense mechanism. By 'giving it away', the therapist would be forcibly breaking down those defenses, doing more harm than good.

So if you ask me if I think you are a multiple, I'm going to say no. Because if you are, you have to figure it out for yourself. And if you have to ask me, you probably aren't anyway. You're probably just dealing with stuff. However, if you tell me you are multiple, I am going to accept that at face value. I won't question it, not because I believe you, but because I'll never 100% believe you. If you've just come to this conclusion recently, my level of doubt will be greater than if you've been operating as a multiple for years. But I'll never really know if you truly are a multiple. And you'll never really know if I am.

An Earlier Alter [Me]

I thought of something the other day that apparently had not occurred to me since I started exploring this multiplicity thing.

When I was in eighth and ninth grade, a pretty uncomfortable time for me, I had an entire fantasy world in which I had a boyfriend (Brendan), a group of friends, and some hobbies and behavior patterns that had no basis in my reality, but was incredibly real to me. I knew so many details about this other life in my head, and I realized at the time that there was a strange disconnect between the two. But I couldn't figure out how to reconcile the experience. I mean, I knew these people and this social group as well or better than the people with whom I went to school and spent social time. And I knew that these two different 'me' people did not exist in the same reality. I did not physical own the clothes that I knew I wore in this other reality. The 'other reality me' played chess well; this me was only vaguely able to complete a game. But knowing that these two things didn't fit, I couldn't just dismiss the other as unreal; it was very real to me, and that's what was so disturbing about it.

Now, of course, I get it. That was an alter having memories from their own world, like Paul and Stephanie now, and me seeing/feeling those memories as if they were mine. How I wish I could go back and comfort that youngster trying to deal with being multiple; it might have made so much difference to me if I had known this about myself at the time. I know I ostracized myself even more by trying to follow the social rules of this other world, but I didn't know how else to incorporate both.

And then I 'forgot' about this. I haven't thought about that part of my life back then in many many years. Even when I started exploring being multiple, I hadn't connected the two. Until just now. What happened to that alter? Were they a 'wandering spirit' that didn't find a good landing point, so they moved on? Or maybe they are still locked up deep down in the back of my mind. Or maybe that was one of the alters I have now. So if we ever get to do a big 'test every alter' experiment, we need to be sure to have chess as one of the tests.

And that brings up something else. We've speculated before that I may have been multiple before my first marriage. This was several years before that. The memories from then are strong enough, even now, for me to now be certain that was an alter being expressed. So I was multiple by the time I was in my early teens.

Zoo Trip [Paul]

Last weekend, M's daughter took us to the zoo for Mother's Day. Yeah, so her mom wasn't exactly around most the day; she hung with me (Paul) and Kiara instead most the time. We had a good time 'cause it was our first trip to a zoo. We can look at M's pictures and memories of going to a zoo, but it's not the same thing as going ourselves.

Some of the things I liked. Sitting on the alligator statue head while sucking down the arctic blast drink and talking. Waving and making faces at the little baby at the show - she was probably 4 or 5 months old, I think. Watching M's daughter watch the little kids dance to the music.

A couple of quotes we heard little kids say while we were there. "Are there any Simbas?" Nope, no lions at this zoo, not yet. She was very sad; it was cute. And "When I grow up, I'm going to be All By Myself!" I guess somebody had too much family togetherness.

Some cool animals we saw. The meerkats are always a favorite. The serval at the show - when a serval is bred with a domestic cat, you get a Savannah cat - and those are cool pet cats - I think I want one someday. The Red River Hogs - they've got tufts all over there face and are really interesting looking. The red pandas look like stuffed animals. We petted the goats and stuff - they were all sleeping in the sun.

Something we noticed (had pointed out) about me or Kiara being out. Whenever we're around little kids and one of us is fronting, lots of little kids really notice us. They smile and wave and react really well to us. I like kids a lot, so this is fun. And Kiara likes people, generally. So maybe little kids 'see' us kids despite the big body, or maybe the way we move the body is more familiar to them. Or maybe they always react to our body that way because we look kind of weird with a shaved head and we're a girl body, but only me and Kiara notice and react back. It's a neat idea to kinda watch in the future.

Loose Again [Me]

We pulled Stephanie out of cold storage this weekend. We talked to Boss about it for a while, and then he held us while all of the folk in my head went to the storage inside our system, and opened the drawer and brought her out. I had to visualize a lot of this on purpose, because I'm not used to operating in that 'inside my head' world so much. And it felt weird to purposely leave my body, um, unattended, so to speak.

We did 'tweak' her as she was being brought back out. We tried to make her a little older. The approximately twelve-year-old Stephanie that had been was still suffering from fresh physical trauma. Paul had found her memory of it after she was shelved. So we tried to age her a little to a time when she at least wouldn't be physically hurting so much. And that succeeded. She doesn't really have a good handle on time, or on using numbers to count, so we can't be sure, but Paul feels pretty strongly that she's about fourteen now. She still limped and held her arm and mouth a bit awkwardly, but she also used her left her arm some and didn't hurt so badly.

Paul actually has become her caretaker, to some extent. I can't tell if this is temporary, or a job he's taken on long-term. But for the first few hours she was out, Boss had questions to ask her. And on her own, Stephanie doesn't answer questions very well. Boss and I have both agreed that she must be autistic. Many of the questions don't make sense to the way she thinks, or she may just fail to register that a question is being presented. So Paul shoved a lot of his energy into an attempt to be somewhat co-conscious with her, and helped her focus on hearing and trying to answer questions. Because she's mute, Boss was limited to yes-no questions. And some of those didn't have a yes-no answer for her, so I think he only got about half of them answered. 'Do you like...?' questions are particularly hard for her. As a slave, expressing wants and desires is a dangerous thing. Saying you like something could be a way to get it, but it could also be setting up a way for that to be used against you.

We were able to get a sense of Stephanie's history during those two years, in her own world. Apparently the incident came to the attention of the Master, as it involved a valuable horse. And she was hurt so badly that he actually called a doctor out to look at her, and she ended up confined to a bed for at least a few weeks, under the care of one of the house slaves. A few months pass, and the Master wagered a number of slaves in a poker game and lost, and managed to foist her off on the preacher who won the game. The preacher was actually a pretty decent guy, and decided to teach Stephanie at least a few skills that might make her at least somewhat desirable as a slave. About two years after the accident, he sold her again. This coincided well with the 'two years older' we were looking to slide her age, so she seems to believe that Boss is this new Master. And so doesn't really remember him from before going into storage.

Paul reported later that he could hear other people's voices in Stephanie's thoughts. Not like other alters, but her remembering things she's heard from people. One of the things he heard over and over was in response to those 'Do you like...?' questions. He kept hearing, "That's a trap." in a woman's voice, someone older than Stephanie - maybe her Mammy? Something he heard in the preacher's voice was a little more defined; "You're an ugly child, and dumb along with it. Ain't nobody gonna want you where they have to look at you. But you got nice titties, and you follow orders when yer payin' attention. You do what yer told, chile, and you'll make yer way."

Boss talked to her right away about following my orders when inside, and his outside. He also talked to her about not coming out except at home or when he tells her to - but I'm not sure if she got that. She nodded a lot like she understood, but most of her reactions to what he says are much more on the order of reacting the way she thinks he wants her to, rather than honest reactions. For instance, she agreed that she liked several things that sent shudders of panic through her, because she thought he wanted her to like them. I've warned him not to really put any faith in any of her reactions; ask Paul if he really wants something honest.

Reflection and Supposition - Lost Souls? [Me]

I was explaining to someone last week about Paul and Stephanie coming with memories of their very own that are not part of my original experience base. And that led to some thoughts for here.

You see, I tend to be a fairly practical, I-can-explain-this kind of girl. I'm a fan of Science. And being multiple, well, psycho-science can explain that. At a reasonably young age, there was some trauma. My mind just couldn't take the pressure, and it cracked. It seized upon this great propensity I have for acting and using my imagination, and turned that into, "I don't want to be the person suffering this. So I'll be somebody else." And alters were created. At another point, my mind decided it didn't like something else that was going on and thought, "Gee, wouldn't it be great if I were somebody else again?" - and made another alter. And so on. So all these alters in my head are basically my mind playing make-believe so hard that it became true. Yeah, that's simplified, but in essence, it works.

So there are spiritual schools of thought around multiplicity. But when we speak of the spiritual world, you have to start with the fact that I'm Christian. And I don't really see any room in my faith system for multiplicity. Of course, there are lots of things that the Bible doesn't address, like flying in airplanes and why some people molest children and the evolving of rules to fit the situation. But it leaves me confused and wondering how my multiplicity fits in. A person is a soul in a body, and when the body ceases to function, they go to the afterlife; done. Well, the best way I can explain the existence of my alters is as 'extra souls' in my body. So how did they get there? Did too many people get sent to live in this body by accident? Or were there some loose souls running around, and my predisposition toward multiple personalities gave them a 'dock' to land on and move in?

With most of my alters, they can be explained as a 'different me'. Rubi is who I might have been at seventeen if I hadn't gotten pregnant and all. Kiara is certainly a mix of me as a kid and my daughter as a kid. Sam could be me in college years if I hadn't been a mom at that time. But what about Jarett? I guess I could stretch and say me if I'd been born male. And then Paul came along - and he has memories. Memories of things that never happened to me. Memories of places I've never been. And then Stephanie showed up with memories from nearly two hundred years ago! And how can I 'stage' autistic behaviors like she shows?

So how do Paul and Stephanie fit in? Can I believe that I have taken things I've read and heard and created their worlds so clearly? I mean, I do have a very strong imagination, but if that's the case, why don't I make-believe people who are from happier worlds than I am, or from science fiction universes? The memory pieces they showed up with are too strong; I can't convince myself they are fictional. So that leaves Paul and Stephanie, at least, as beings that existed before they were in my body. Loose souls, if you will. How they ended up not in their bodies, I couldn't say, but they both lived pretty awful lives; I would certainly expect them to have died young and traumatically. Maybe that's why Paul hasn't managed to age-slide any older than seventeen, and that rarely.

Perhaps the trauma that ended their residence in their original bodies made them sensitive to a 'broken' mind, like that of a multiple. And so they came to try living in my body for a while. I don't understand how they didn't go on to an afterlife, but maybe it's because they hadn't had any chance to have any goodness in their lives. I feel some obligation to grant them some happiness, happiness they obviously didn't get to have before I knew them.

Does that mean they will be with me until I die, and then we'll all go to the afterlife together? I don't know; I just don't understand enough to be sure. Maybe once they've had 'enough', they'll move on on their own. Enough what, I don't know. Enough happiness, pleasure, goodness, maybe just enough life. Being multiple is a challenge to my faith, frequently.

But what it does mean to me is that I don't feel it's right to have shoved Stephanie away into cold storage. She needs to have a chance to live and love and experience. Her being out still frightens me, but I'm going to work with Boss to bring her back out sometime in the next few weeks, and he's going to work with her and try to get her to a point that it's not a danger to have her in front.

Five Myths About Polyamory

I was reading this article on polyamory, and wanted to share it here.

Dual Modes [Me]

We've discussed several times recently with Boss or Gracelyn that everyone in our system seems to have (at least) two 'modes'. We have the behavior you normally get with that alter, and then their other behavior that you get just sometimes. The second behavior set isn't another alter, but just a different way the same alter reacts.

Now, for myself, I have a lot more that two modes, but I'm also out more often and have been around for more time. For instance, I'm a mother, an employee, a girlfriend, a teacher, depending on where I am and what's required of me. But most alters only come out in certain situations or realms, and thus could have only one behavior mode. Yet they've mostly developed a second aspect, which gives each more depth as a person.

Silent One - Active and Inactive
Silent One is usually the last one I'll use for examples and comparison lists, but this is the most vibrant example. In its original mode, Silent One is completely catatonic - thus its name. It will give a minimal response to the strongest of stimuli, which usually involves pulling away until the stimulus stops. And that's it. But as its world became a safer place to exist, Silent One developed an active mode, in which it behaves like a tamed-but-not-domesticated beast. It sniffs and growls and investigates its environment.

Paul and Baby Paul
Describing Paul as having two modes is cheating a little; he's a multiple system within our multiple system. But generally, Paul is a fairly typical boy, though he can slide in age from 8 to 14 years old. But after he had been coming out for a while, he also started sliding to ages 5 or 2, and as Baby Paul he has a different set of behaviors. He's pretty a mostly non-verbal tot who is much more afraid of the world than Paul is normally.

Kiara - Happy and Sad
I think this is more just how her personality is, because my daughter was the same way as a little girl. But when Kiara is happy, she's very happy - and everyone around her will be happy, too, if she can charm them into it. But when she's sad and pouting, the world is a dreary dark place. She does depression as enthusiastically as she does happiness.

Sam - Bratty and Sexy
When we are not in a scene, Sam is very mouthy and snarky. She teases and makes fun of everyone - and laughs so enthusiastically that they generally forgive her and laugh along. But when we are in a scene, she usually is much less mouthy. She is much more sexy and sensual as she processes the pain and sensations.

Rubi - Sadist and Masochist
This one really comes down to Top or Bottom. As a bottom, Rubi is very reckless with our body, and pushes as far as she can take. She glories in the pain and suffering she's going through. As a note, she's much brattier than Sam when bottoming, actually. But as a top, though Rubi will still push her play partner almost as far as she would push herself, she has a much more pronounced streak of responsibility.

Gracelyn - Grace and Lynn
Gracelyn actually is a combined alter from two previous alters. Lynn is our 'den mother', our Counselor. She comforts people who are crying and also keeps notes on our schedules and needs, and she talks to Boss about how our systems are working. Grace is the 50's housewife type that does our housework and handles makeup and dressing up and such.

Cherish - the exception
I don't see two aspects to Cherish. She is the simplest of our alters. She desperately loves Boss and wants to do whatever makes him happy. It's possible that he does see two aspects, and he'll tell me. But in everything, the overriding emotional drive is loving him and trying to please him. So perhaps Cherish's 'turn' is coming. Maybe she'll evolve a second aspect before long?

That's all the alters, but there's one other duality to touch upon. We, as a group, identify pretty strongly with the primal, base side of us. We've chosen the coyote to identify with, and that primal basic behavior is a 'flip-aspect' for our entire system. Several of us tap into that primal energy - Rubi in her painplay, Sam in sex, Paul in his puppy play, Kiara when playing puppy (not the same thing). Obviously Silent One, and Me overall. I don't see any of the animal energy in Gracelyn, but I could argue that Cherish's simple acceptance of being owned is connected to that.

Boy Time [Paul]

So I've been out a lot in the last couple of days. There's a couple of munches that are 'mine' to go to. A munch is where a bunch of kinky people get together for dinner and hanging out. Anyway, one of the ones that are mine was last night. And the night before, Boss started talking to me while I was on the computer, and so I ended up staying out a lot that night, too. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be out two nights in a row because it's kinda like being greedy. Other people want out time, too. But I got the last two evenings, and it was pretty good.

Night before last, I stayed in my older range, 8-14, and really just hung out with Boss. We watched some TV, and talked - like really talked - about how we relate to each other. I told him about how certain things make me jumpy and sorta reluctant to do stuff, and he asked me about things that I really do like doing with him, like watching movies and other stuff. And we talked about how we want things to be with us later on, and what's most important about it.

And then last night we went to the munch. Before we got there, we changed into my clothes. Well, mostly my clothes - my boots and a compression shirt and a tank top and hoodie jacket. So when we got there, I was already dressed as me. And we picked up MK on the way there, too. He's a cool guy to hang with.

Of course, some of the people there knew it was me right off, and said hi to me by my name, and that's awesome when that happens. And other people thought I was the host, and greeted me by her name, and asked what's wrong. Everybody thinks something's wrong if they don't realize it's me. Boss says my normal face expression is close to her mad face. So at least it's easy to see who's paying attention to which of us is out when I show up somewhere. And Boss is cool about saying, "No, it's Paul; he's good." If, you know, they keep asking or something.

So getting to hang out somewhere other than the club or home as ME was good, even if we did have to get through the 'no, everything's fine' bit a few times. I even went around and talked to some people more than I usually do, and tried not to be so shy like I usually am.

And it was cool having Boss and MK both there. I'm not really sure what MK and I are supposed to be with each other. But at least there's definitely a relationship between his system and my system, even if I'm not sure about from me particularly to any of him particularly. But several times, like two or three, he came up behind me and hugged me and like kissed on my neck like. I mean, not sloppy making out kinda stuff, just a plop kiss once. And though I usually shrug it off and maybe giggle a little when that happens, I like that he's being like openly, um, affectionate with me - and particularly me, because he knew who was out, no doubt.

So when we got home I got to hang with Boss some more before sleeping. And he and I had some good time together for a while before he asked if Baby Paul could be out. That's my younger range, age 2 or 5. Baby Paul is a lot more scared, and he doesn't talk much. He can suck his thumb and that's about it. But he and Boss got some time together, and that's good, too. Especially, it's good that Boss asked for him out, instead of pulling him out and springing it on me.

So I was talking with the girls this morning as we got ready for work, and we figured a few more things about Baby Paul. It looks like nobody's ever really read books to him, because Boss read him Rumplestiltskin, and that was even too much for him to get; he didn't even understand that the stuff Boss was saying had anything to do with the book. Looks like Boss needs to back up to picture books and Dr. Seuss with him. I mean, I don't remember having any books till I was in school myself, so I guess that's right. Now I can read and stuff 'cause I have the host's skills mostly. But I hope Boss keeps playing with Baby Paul and maybe reading books or playing with toys with him or something.

MPD Dance [Me]

This weekend we drove to my daughter's college to watch a dance performance she was in. Not only as a dancer, but as a choreographer. We've been talking for months as she put together choreography for this one, because she did the dance about being multiple. Here's the music for the dance; you should listen to it while you read:

It was a long dance - six minutes - but she had a lot to cram in a short time. She had two dancers, one male and one female. The male dancer represented the outward appearance of the host body, and the female dancer was only in the mind. Because the male dancer had to be all the alters, there was a lot of 'face' acting required for this song. And because my daughter chose to use different styles of dancing to represent the behavior of each alter, the dancing was pretty demanding as well.

The first point where the dance got me was when her host dancer was doing a fairly strong dance, with the mind dancer writhing around on the stage nearby. I thought, "how distracting," and then smiled. Because yes, an alter writhing around in my head with one emotion while I'm trying to be solid and dependable and strong IS very distracting, indeed. Another part that I loved was seeing the merry-go-round effect I've tried to describe, where the host was spinning around, and the mind was pushing him around and around and around some more.

The dancers echoed each others movements at times, sometimes coming into unison dancing, other times splitting completely and competing for the audience's attention. And then occasionally they cooperated, like the moment when the host sat on the ground broken and hurting, and the mind circled behind him, comforting and encouraging, and finally helping him to rise up and face things again.

There will be a video of the entire dance show coming out soon. If we can get it cut down to a video of just that dance, I will come back to edit this post and include it. I'm terribly proud of my singleton daughter trying to design a dance to portray what she has come to understand about my multiplicity. It's a touching tribute, and I won't say that I got through it without tears.

Stephanie's Story [Paul]

With Stephanie gone to storage, I did some cleaning up of the files we got in our head. She won't be using 'em no more. At least not for a long time, I think. And I found her memories. Like me, she showed up with some memories already in her head. Like watching a movie, you know? I wrote out some of my memories into our story-blog. And I thought it'd be good if I did the same with hers, so we couldn't forget 'em. One of them had already been shared with Boss, and the other was stuff we'd mostly all guessed about, like how she got hurt. Anyways, the links are here - Part One and Part Two.

Stress Reduced [Me]

We've had an excellent weekend. Something we really needed, after so much stress at home lately.

We're still dealing with condoms, which has caused a lot of our stress, since early February. Nobody wants to use them, but if they don't get used there's anger and guilt and distrust. I hate fighting with Boss over something like that. When he tries to initiate sex without a condom, I feel like he's not sticking to our agreement to use them. I feel like I have to check up on him and monitor him, rather than submitting to his wishes as I want to be doing. And when I have to stop him to put it on, it gives me the feeling that he's trying to get around the rule. And that means he's not protecting me. I can only submit to him so fully when I can trust that he will take better care of me than I will of myself. I have to be able to trust that he will do whatever it takes to protect me. When he does, it makes me feel like I am something valuable and treasured in his life. And that feeling is essential to loving, for me.

The biggest problem with that comes when we're sleeping. Boss has three primary alters, all of whom I think can be relied upon to 'play within the rules'. But he has several secondary alters that won't, or don't understand. And in the middle of the night, one of those alters is likely to wake up and initiate sex before any of the primaries are awake enough to grab a condom. And if I'm asleep, I'm likely to let it go further than it should before I stop to do a rubber-check. Especially if Stephanie's out, like she was a few nights ago. She will not force the condom issue; she's certain that he has every right to do anything to us without our agreement. So the other night there was probably twenty minutes of rubbing and humping before primaries in either system had any sort of control. Which means I was furious in the morning, and Boss didn't even realize why, because he didn't realize just how far that had gone. This was part of the reason for Stephanie being shelved. She has no sense of self-preservation, and I can't push her out of the front to protect us.

So this weekend we handled several steps to easing the tension on this matter. First, Boss got his lab results back, and tested clear for STDs. We expected him to, but weren't positive. We still need to wear condoms a bit longer because some things take 12 weeks to 'pop' on the tests, but most things are now ruled out. Second, Stephanie got put into storage. Third, Cherish was given orders to speak up and ensure that Boss wears a condom. That's really hard for her, but she agreed to it, and even practiced it. And Fourth, I talked to one of Boss's secondary alters, the one most likely to be transgressing, and the most likely to be able to control the others. He didn't like being told what to do, not at all. But after some growling at each other, he got the idea, and reluctantly agreed to follow the rule, and to try to force the others to do so, as well. Apparently I lose points for asking the craziest guy in there to follow a rule, but I get points for flattering him about being the only one strong enough to enforce it.

While Cherish was out, Boss also talked to her about Stephanie being put away. I think they both really needed to be able to talk about be sad about that.

Shelving Stephanie [Me]

Stephanie has become more and more of a problem for our system's safety. She's missing a lot of basic self-protection behaviors, and I can't count on her to continue acting at all unless Boss is watching her very closely and being uber-responsible about directing her. Last night it came to a head, and we made the decision this morning to do something about it before she gets us hurt.

Externally, she was out all night. We let her get one last shower this morning, because she loves them so. Internally, during the shower, several of us took ahold of her and walked her down the hall, past her room, to the storage access. There are several closet-shelves in there, all but one dark. Jarett's glows a rich chocolate-brown color. We opened up the one next to him, made Stephanie lay down on the pull-out bed, and then each bade her goodbye. Then we closed her up into storage like Jarett. Her door glows a rusty, earthy brown color.

Cherish has been heartbroken. The two slaves have been sharing a room all this time, sleeping wrapped around each other, the light and the dark. Paul's devoted his energy today to taking care of Cherish. Rubi's guarding the hallway access to keep anyone from heading down that hall.

Externally, we've done some crying over the matter, but we know it's for the best. Maybe our world will be such that it's safe to bring her back out in the future, but not right now. We just told Boss about it earlier. He's going to blame himself, take it as us punishing him; that's the way he is. That's not what it's about, but that's how he'll feel. And right now, we're torn up enough about making the decision and acting on it that we're not up to comforting him, too. So I anticipate the next couple of days being a bit uncomfortable around home. There's other reasons for that, too, but not related to being multiple, so I won't go into them here. Just couple stuff.

An Avatar for Each [Me]

I made avatars! I found a site (which I have since closed instead of bookmarking - sorry!) where I could make an avatar of each alter. And I did, and it was pretty cool to hear them make choices in my head and direct what they should look like. I've added them to the Alters tab above, but I want to talk about them a little here. So I'm going to show them to you a few at a time and tell you about them now. We actually have an order we think of us in, radiating to either side of me. You may have noticed it when I transcribed a group meeting, the order in which we were arranged. But I'm sticking to that order here, because I find it helpful. And maybe interesting, too.

First, The Quiet Girls - Gracelyn, Stephanie, and Cherish. None speak up very often, but they each have a strong presence when they come out, nonetheless. Gracelyn first - she's furthest from me, and sometimes difficult to hear. But her position at the edge gives her the perspective to see what's going on, and keep her distance from the emotions of it all. She prefers shades of purple, and always carries a clipboard with her. Next is Stephanie. She sees Gracelyn as the Lady of the household and obeys her. Shades of brown suit her and her darker skin tone. She shares the title of Slave with Cherish, though they go about their service in different ways, dark and light. Cherish is golden and beautiful and graceful.

Then we have The Kids. Paul is Cherish's son, so he connects with her, but he's no slave. He's all boy, and very strong. He has his own subsystem of alters, but he takes up only one spot in my system. Green is his color - army green, grass-stain green. He gets to have the mohawk he likes, here. Kiara's also very strong, but she's a very girly girl. Bright blue for her, and we found a little polar bear teddy bear for her, too. She has a wig at home that she sometimes wears, styled in pigtails.

Kiara's the closest to me on that side, so I get to be next. I found a book to read, and short short hair for my avatar. I usually dress in shades of red and black, but I'm as likely to take on Kiara's blue or Paul's green, or even Gracelyn's purples. Together with Sam and Rubi, we make up The Big Girls. Sam found a sexy corset top and some comfy harem pants, and a messy kinda-short hair style suited her well. Rubi went sexier and tougher, with red spiky hair and lots of leather.

And then we have Silent One, who doesn't fit into any of the other categories. It's past Rubi simply because they are both rough and animalistic, with Silent One dropping any connection to human behaviors. We 'see' it in shades of gray and black. My theory is that because it has animal sight, colors just don't mean so much to it. We see it as somewhat fuzzy, and hairy. This avatar did approach some of the way it looks internally. 

So there we are, a quick visual image of the folks in my head. It was fun for us. We've added these images to our Pinterest boards, also, but I wanted to have them all in one place, too.

DID Presentation [Me]

I want you to go watch this video. Yeah, it's really long. But it's worth it. It's a very basic overview of DID presented by a student who is a multiple. I just finished it. I did have to take a few breaks, both to work, and to keep my head together. Boss watched part of it last night, and it made him really spinny, as it has me. Talking really intensely about being multiple makes it more... active? My analogy to him was that it's like watching porn. Even it you're doing nothing, thinking about sex a lot makes you want to have sex. Thinking a lot about being multiple makes you lean toward more switching. So I have a switchy headache right now, not from switching, but from the effort to not switch. That has to wait until we leave work, of course. But for now, go watch the video.

Negative Emotions for Breakfast [Me]

I'm feeling incredibly negative this morning. I know it's not really a valid emotion, as in it's based on some very thin emotional responses. But I can feel it bogging me down, and it will take some effort to work through it today.

The major (but not only) starting-point of this is that Boss is sick. And when he's sick, he starts feeling unlovable, and thus unloved. None of us are extremely desirable when we're sick. We're messy and make unpleasant squishy noises and need someone to wait on us, but not require anything of us because we're too sick to do it. We can't concentrate and we're not capable of doing things for ourselves. So then we feel bad about requiring someone else to do for us, and the guilt just makes us feel worse. So then we try to just ignore our needs and not be so hard to take care of. But ignoring our own needs makes us feel like no one cares what our needs our, or that our needs just aren't even important enough to matter. Yeah, and so the pity-party just spirals down upon itself.

Boss is a master of this negative cycle. So he's feeling undesirable to the nth degree. And being all mopey and moist and down on himself, makes him hard to desire right now. Also, in trying to treat him gently in response to his sickness, I'm less demanding of his attention and action. Which translates in his fever-befuddled brain to I don't need him, and even don't want him. Which, of course, is not at all true. I'm just placing my needs and wants on hold until he's well enough to fulfill them.

So last night this cycle took a hard dip. He's in the living room being all moist and I'm on the computer. Sure, I could have been snuggling up with him on the couch, but he was watching something I didn't want to see. I did spend a little while in there letting Paul go through his leather kit and reorganize it. We had planned to work on Boss's leather last night, but Boss wasn't up to even changing shoes and sitting there for us. So it'll have to be another night.

I got done with my computer stuff for the evening, and went to my room to put up laundry and clean up a little. So yes, I left him. I was doing chores. My metamour was in there playing on the computer too, though, so it's not as if he was totally alone. When I got done with chores, I laid down on the bed to read for a while. Eventually, Boss came wandering in, and he cuddled up on me and started petting on me. It was very nice. So nice that I fell sort of asleep (okay, he may have caused that to happen on purpose). So I'm there drifting away and realize that he's whispering something at me (not really to me, as I'm out of it). Now, in that state, I do mumble to myself, and apparently I mumbled something that sounded like something that upset him, because the next thing I know, he's angry and wanting me to repeat and explain myself. I don't know what the heck he's talking about - I wasn't even awake - and then he takes off on a tangent about how I need to act like I desire him and I'm supposed to be seducing him.

I was, of course, confused and upset. And he was confused and upset. I wrote it off to him being sick and me being asleep and did my best to just go back to sleep, because he wasn't interested in talking reasonably, and I wasn't awake enough to do so. I went back to sleep. At some point during the night, I think there was an attempt on his part to snuggle and initiate sex, but I'm not sure what happened, because the next thing I'm aware of, he's flopping over with his back to me like I've offended him.

I don't know what's going on, exactly. I blame the sick and hope he gets better quickly. But I think he and Gracelyn need to have a talk. Or we need to have a fight. Or something.

Healthy Maintenance and Good Stuff [Me]

Despite the heavy emotional shakeup lately, there have been some really good things happening. Some even because of it.

I've been teaching a 'Welcome to the Dungeon' class for a couple of years now. It's expanded into the Dungeon 101 class , a Kink 101 class for people curious about their kinky friend's lifestyle, and a Pro 101 for Healthcare Providers that are dealing with kinky folks. And that whole thing is really growing and spreading. I had my first out-of-state presentation last weekend, for example. This is really exciting and fulfilling.

Boss and Paul are still growing and redefining their relationship. Boss sends him gay porn, which he watches with gusto, and then gets all excited wanting to try the stuff he sees. The boy is staying older most of the time, and has a serious case of 'the crush' on Boss. It's a good thing; I enjoy watching them do stuff together.

We've opened our poly family up just a bit. I've talked about MK from time to time over the last couple of years. I've generally referred to him as 'a friend' or 'one of my guys' or as my roommate. He's always been more than that to me, though. He holds a pretty special place for me, and for Kiara. Not as much for anyone else. But in light of the whole condom discussion, his relationship to me - and to the rest of our family - was brought up and examined. And both Boss and the Metamour confirmed what I felt all along, that he is definitely regarded as part of our family. And since we were willing to tell him so, he's been willing to open up a little more to us, to me, too. He's been spending a night or two a week with me, either at our place or at his. And he's interacting a lot more with both Boss and Metamour as well, and that's just great stuff.

And while doing relationship maintenance post-incident, I did go ahead and send Bear a message that I would like to cuddle with him - mostly Kiara would like to - if the opportunity came up and he wished to invite us to do so. He never answered, but we'll see what happens next time the opportunity is there.

In talking with Bear and Boss and MK and other people over the last year or so, I have come to the conclusion that my feelings aren't as obvious to people that I care about as I think they are. If you remember the dom that harshly dumped me a while before I started this blog. One thing he had said later indicated that, at the time, he thought he was just another play partner to me, whereas I was having some serious feelings for him. Bear at one point said something similar. Even though I was deeply emotionally his, he really thought I felt like he was just one of many play partners I had. So I need to make it more obvious. Boss and I talk all the time about how we're feeling. So I think he understands just how deeply I feel about him. But I had not discussed it with MK before, so I did that recently. And that's part of what got him to open up a lot to me, and he feels more strongly than I had dared hope. And that's part of what led to him being much more actively involved in our family, as I mentioned before. So my lesson here is to talk about how strongly I feel for someone, or risk them underestimating my feelings.

Fallout [Me]

A couple of weeks ago, we had an incident that pretty much shut us down for wanting to write for a while. I wasn't planning to even mention it here on this blog, except that it is coloring a lot of other things for me. And Boss mentioned it on his blog, so I guess it's 'free domain' to speak about. If not, he'll tell me, and I'll remove this post.

We were visiting some friends. So we talked about the fact that we might swap up and have sex with them; that was all cool - exciting and fun, even. Until Boss had sex with her. Later, I asked Boss, just to confirm, about using condoms. And they didn't use a condom. And after he talked to her, he wasn't convinced that she's aware of her STD status and exposure. Which, knowing her typical choices, I'm not surprised. Which means I have to assume Boss has had exposure to something. Which means we're using condoms.

Upon finding this out, I lost my shit. I was suddenly feeling furious and betrayed and left out. Mostly betrayed. We've agreed that it's okay for us to have sex outside our relationship. But condoms have to be part of that, unless we've agreed to skip them. So I was really furious. I don't think I've ever been really angry with him before, and it took him by surprise how intensely I felt. Heck, it took me by surprise how intensely I felt.

Now, for me, that's not a gigantic deal. Stopping to put on a condom is just a momentary thing, and if I can absolutely trust that he will stop to do so, then I have no more worries. But for him, it has turned into a pretty gigantic deal. First, my anger and sense of betrayal, and his shock at getting hit with them, really crippled our relationship for a few days. He's facing a lot of guilt for stepping outside of our agreement, especially in the face of me being so angry about it. And I didn't try to soften it. I knew my anger at him needed to really be painful to him, to keep this from happening again.

Second, having to wear a condom really bangs into his sexual confidence. Boss's primary, in particular, is pretty bad about thinking with his penis first. Which means he'll forget that step of stopping for a condom if I don't pay attention and, when necessary, remind him. Except part of our dynamic is that I don't normally hold that little bit of control, and I give myself to him completely. So I feel like I'm holding back on him, and that's disappointing.

But his guilt and the bruise on his confidence have turned into some sexually submissive behavior from him. He has an alter that has always bent that direction, but we haven't been able to play with each other compatibly. But we're exploring that, to see it we can work it out. I'm really struggling with taking on the role of the dominant partner in sex. I can play the role, but I'm not feeling it.

The obvious solution is to have Rubi take over that role. But there are problems there, too. First, I've been a bit under-the-weather, health-wise, and haven't been switching much. I'm finally getting over that, so it may improve soon. Second, our relationship has been heavily grounded in him being in control, even over Rubi or any other strong-willed alter. He has to be in control of every one of us for him to keep all of us. It's hard to release that condition, even temporarily. And Third, it just isn't a comfortable role for us, to be actively dominant, sexually. But we're trying to at least create that 'acting role' to take on.

Boss has always been great about trying to take on compatible roles for what we need; now it's our turn. But it's not easy. Especially with a side of guilt hanging on for the ride.

Happy Birthday! [Me]

That's right. Today is the two-year anniversary of this blog. So we get statistics and summaries. I love these. If you don't, feel free to skip on over this post; but it's all you're getting for today.

My very first post here was on 2/8/2011, and I've posted a total of 186 posts over those two years (this will be #187). On 2/10/12, I posted about my first anniversary - that was post #86. So I've done a hundred this year. At that time I had seven registered followers, and now I have twelve.

In the last year, I've added four more pages to the blog (those tabs at the top), and I now have four blogs I'm keeping up. This one, one with stories about my daughter, one with quotes I've collected, and one with my fiction writing. This is the one that I come back to the most. The one I share myself with. 

I have nine alters now - Me, Kiara, Sam, Rubi, Silent One, Paul, Cherish, Stephanie, Gracelyn.

A year ago I had ten - Me, Kiara, Sam, Rubi, Jarett, Lynn, Grace, Cherish, Paul, Silent One.

Two years ago I had seven - Me, Kiara, Sam, Rubi, Counselor, Jarett, Silent One.

So we've had new ones appear, others merge and change, and even one retire to 'storage'.

I've gone through relationships, notably ending things with Bear and starting up things with Boss and that growing until a serious relationship with him and my metamour. I've come out to my daughter as kinky and poly and multiple. She's been very supportive, and is getting to know several of us. 

I've talked about being multiple, but also about being polyamorous, and being kinky. Also about being a parent, a child, an employee, a girlfriend... and a boyfriend. We've really gotten to know ourselves better by writing here.

And hopefully, my readers have gotten something valuable, as well. I have been frustrated in getting to know my readers. You're shy, as a whole. I've tried a questionairre, and I've tried soliciting comments. I know my daughter and the Boss both read. The rest, well, who knows?

Turns out, Blogger knows some things about my readers. The blog's Overview page shows 13 followers, actually, two of whom are accounts for Boss, and two more of whom I recognize as friends from my kink circle. I've got over fifty comments, about half of which are me updating something. But there are at least 15 different people that have commented, especially 'Anonymous'. 

And then I get to look at the Stats page. Over 6000 pageviews for all time. It grew slowly for the first year, then jumped up. And I know why - Boss checks my blog more days than not to see what I'm thinking about. And that's when he and I got really serious. 

Now, 4000 of those pageviews came from within the United States. It's the other ones that get really interesting. 800 from Russia, and over 500 from the U.K. and Germany. Canada, Australia, France. And then Ukraine, Spain, and Brazil. There are people in the Ukraine reading about my multiplicity - 31 pageviews over two years!

Then it gets into how they found me and what they looked at. Yes, Big Brother Blogger is watching. The most referrals I've gotten from other URLS have come from CandyCan's blog, where I comment every now and then. ThirdOfALifetime is another major referring site, after Google Search (of course), and from my own blogsite (as people click from one page to another).

Some of the Google searches that brought them to me... The biggest are IDIC and the spelled out version of such. Bet those people were surprised to end up on a multiplicity blog. Then we have 'mpd jokes', a few other multiple terms, and several that indicate they were looking for this blog specifically (like 'Meronym's blog'). 

And with those search terms, it's not surprising that my IDIC post has the most hits. Other popular ones are the one announcing my collaring, and the most recent popular one, that little system meeting that I transcribed. Also not a surprise, that tab/page up there with the list of alters is the most-hit page. Glad I made that one.

Okay, that's what Blogger tells me about myself and about my readers. So let the cake be served! Happy Birthday!