The Mental Illness Happy Hour [Me]

Just a few minutes ago, I was looking around at my desk saying, "Okay, what's next?" And I realized, there's nothing that NEEDS to be next. I took a moment to just realize that. It's been weeks since I was close enough to caught up to be at that place, where sure, there are things to do, but nothing that I really need to do before the other things that I could be doing. I was stuck for a moment. I've been so caught up in being busy lately that I didn't know what to do. So I came here. I miss blogging so much. I certainly feel mentally healthier when I come here and write about what's going on with me. And finally my blog ended up at the top of my to-do list for a moment!

One of the things that have been taking time away from blogging is mentalpod.com - The Mental Illness Happy Hour. One of the people that came to my kink class for healthcare professionals recommended it to me. Twice. So I made a point of checking it out. I finished listening to my first podcast today - first of any kind; I don't know anything about this world of podcasting. It's very hard for me to listen and pay attention without something visual; I suspect I won't keep up with it very well. But I also went over to the forums and signed up. I described myself as a kink educator, and didn't say anything about being multiple. Maybe I'll get around to addressing it from that side of things as well. And I wrote the podcaster and offered to be a resource for him, maybe a guest blogger. I also read some of the blogs and guest blogs on there, and I wanted to share one or two here.

Here's one - a very positive self-assessment about Living With Mental Illness. I try to have this sort of outlook, and I appreciate Andrea sharing it. The other is by the podcaster, Paul, and it's about depression -The Power of Shame & Secrets. I love this intro:

I’m in a funk.   I don’t want help.    I don’t want the healthy solution.   I want the unhealthy distraction.
I want some fucking excitement.
I’m sad.   Not suicidal.   Just flat.   Nebraska flat.

I know how he feels. This is what I feel when I'm shaking into or out of a depression. Flat, bland, bored with myself and my feelings. I just want to feel. And that flat feeling can last for a long time, and it crops up again all the time. And every time, it makes me afraid that a depression is coming. But not too afraid, because I'm feeling too flat to care all that much.

It shows up in my sexual emotions first, I think. At least where people outside my head can see it. In the middle of sex, I'll be feeling kind of "Well, here I am. I guess this is fun, but if I were sleeping instead, that would be fine." Even more so as my partner is trying to arouse me, to interest me in sex. When I'm not flat, I'll initiate sometimes, but I'll usually wait for them to do so. When I get all flat, it's almost impossible to get myself feeling excited until the sex is actually happening. I've been there the last few days. I'm not depressed, but I'm not excited; I'm just a little flat. Sorry, Boss; please keep trying. I'll catch up to you soon, I hope.