Akhilandeshvari - Change, Fear, and Brokenness [Me]

I ran across this article from Facebook today - http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/06/why-being-broken-in-a-pile-on-your-bedroom-floor-is-a-good-idea-julie-jc-peters/. Go ahead and read it, or at least skim it; I'll wait.

I have certainly found myself lying broken in a pile on my bedroom floor - more than once. Usually it follows after weeks of trying to hold it together and be strong to deal with all the things I or we need to deal with. And I'll seesaw back and forth between 'holding it together' and 'falling apart', until I finally crash, completely and utterly, and hit the bottom of depression. There's crying and not talking and staring into space, maybe even throwing up and taking naps at weird times and eating binges. But I can't seem to get back up to a healthy point without that crash. When you're at the bottom, you can't go anywhere but up, right?

I've been floating up and down on that seesaw a lot lately. I'm not depressed, but I'm definitely not happy. I know it's stressing Boss out a lot, or his stress is stressing me out a lot. Whatever; it goes both ways. But I can't crash yet, because the problems causing the stress still exist. Some of them. There's money problems - but there are always money problems. Boss got a job, so that one's clear. But Boss and the boyfriend are still all cold shoulders to each other, and I can't seem to figure out a way to change that. My teaching is going excellently! But I'm putting in a lot of extra work on my classes. I'm not sleeping well, and my switching around seems to be kind of erratic. Boss and Paul have worked some things out, and that's really great. And I still own a house that I need to sell, and both our vehicles need to be traded in and replaced. So yeah, too much chaos to crash and restart yet. So I'm holding it together. Mostly.

So this goddess, Akhilandeshvari. She seems to be a multiple's patron goddess. Always change and chaos and brokenness. Harnessing fear and spinning it around to be strength. I love this line: "All the places where you’ve shattered can now reflect light and colour where there was none. Now is the time to become something new, to choose a new whole."

I searched the name of this goddess, and came up with a few more good articles. Every one of them was kicked off by reading that original article I just linked to you above.