The Numb Kind [Me]

Still dealing with depression. Not during the day. No, during the day I push through and fake it well enough to function just fine. At supper time the tension starts building. I go to bed hopeful things will be okay this night, and then Boss comes to bed. And one or the other of us - or both - will take exception to something the other says, or doesn't say, or did, or didn't do. And then we have a big fight. Again. We're both spiraling down, and dragging the other with us.

I hate this. I just feel numb about everything. I feel like I'm dragging my feet through life, waiting for things to get better. I can't get really happy about anything. We went to the club last night and played, and even though I got a really heavy buzz from the scene, I still wasn't Happy about it. I was, at best, pleasant. I don't want pleasant; I want giddy and silly and horny and laughing. The best I seem to be able to do is pleasant.

I can get the negative feelings to show up. Kind of. When the fighting starts, I vacillate between hurt and numb. There's some guilty - thanks to guilt trip behavior. There's some hurt for his hurting, and some feeling that it isn't fair. But mostly it's a sense of resigning to the fact that yes, we're going to fight again. And I participate until I'm sure it's going nowhere good, and then the numbness covers me up and I just give up. I can't even hold a good mad. And the hurt only kicks in when it becomes enough to overwhelm the numbness. So I'm left crying and hurting and needing compassion.

Needless to say, my sex drive is kaput. So that gives us something more to fight about. I want to be horny, but yeah, isn't happening. My sleep is suffering, obviously. Notice I'm out here typing at 11pm, knowing I have to get up in the morning for work. My concentration is pretty flighty; luckily I don't need a lot of it at work. Monday, it was a joke to think of actually getting anything done.

So I often kind of half joke and say that I've got a two-year expiration date. I just checked; I got serious with Boss two years ago next month. This month, in an hour. Some joke, huh?