Maybe this is Growth? [Me]

This week's had some highs and lows. I've been wanting to blog, but not sure how to present things, or how much to present. I'm still not sure right now.

Biggest downer first. We had a huge... incident a few nights ago. Paul was out, and Boss asked for Baby Paul, and no one's really sure what happened next, but next thing I'm sure of is that I was out, but completely panicking. And I wasn't all the way out; I was in a bit of a fugue/dream state, and the panic was completely overwhelming. I was hitting out and screaming and fighting. I think. I was in my head, but I gather that externally the action was a bit more subdued. It reminds me of the nightmares and waking-up effects from when I was married the first time and reacting to abuse by majorly dissociating. Of course, Boss took care of me as best he could; he always does. I know I worried him a lot. But we've discussed what we think might have happened and things to try to avoid triggering something like that again.

Now, the strange thing is, to me, that Silent One didn't come out at this point. This is the type of reaction among which Silent One was born. The panic would lead to Silent One comatose back then. And more recently, the panic would lead to Silent One active and defending itself. Instead, it was - as far as Boss or I could tell - me, possibly a younger version of me, just panicking. So we got to talking about Silent One, and realized it hasn't been out in maybe a couple of months. Internally, we've gone to Silent One's 'room', where the jungle plants stick out through the bars on the door, and stood there, making noise. There doesn't really seem to be anyone home. Is Silent One missing? And if it is, is that a good thing or a bad thing? We're not really sure what to think about that.

Good stuff, though. Partially in outcome from the big incident, Boss and Paul ended up really having some good chat time, and spent some time talking about how things work - should work - could work, as well as just hanging out together. We went to a munch earlier this week that was followed by arcade gaming, and Paul had a great time that night. Kiara's been out a lot lately, too. There have been several movie trips and shopping trips for her. So she's happy these days. I think she's finally 90% over Bear. I worry that it seems she's slower to whole-heartedly like people now, though. She's not supposed to grow up that way.

After the incident above, when I came mostly to, I realized I couldn't talk. Just didn't seem to be able to make that 'program' function. I tried to sign to Boss, but I don't know enough sign to communicate well, so he thought I was telling him my head hurt, so he turned off the light. So no more signing. Baby Paul made some rudimentary signs last night, too. I think it's time for me to start learning more sign language.