Stress Reduced [Me]

We've had an excellent weekend. Something we really needed, after so much stress at home lately.

We're still dealing with condoms, which has caused a lot of our stress, since early February. Nobody wants to use them, but if they don't get used there's anger and guilt and distrust. I hate fighting with Boss over something like that. When he tries to initiate sex without a condom, I feel like he's not sticking to our agreement to use them. I feel like I have to check up on him and monitor him, rather than submitting to his wishes as I want to be doing. And when I have to stop him to put it on, it gives me the feeling that he's trying to get around the rule. And that means he's not protecting me. I can only submit to him so fully when I can trust that he will take better care of me than I will of myself. I have to be able to trust that he will do whatever it takes to protect me. When he does, it makes me feel like I am something valuable and treasured in his life. And that feeling is essential to loving, for me.

The biggest problem with that comes when we're sleeping. Boss has three primary alters, all of whom I think can be relied upon to 'play within the rules'. But he has several secondary alters that won't, or don't understand. And in the middle of the night, one of those alters is likely to wake up and initiate sex before any of the primaries are awake enough to grab a condom. And if I'm asleep, I'm likely to let it go further than it should before I stop to do a rubber-check. Especially if Stephanie's out, like she was a few nights ago. She will not force the condom issue; she's certain that he has every right to do anything to us without our agreement. So the other night there was probably twenty minutes of rubbing and humping before primaries in either system had any sort of control. Which means I was furious in the morning, and Boss didn't even realize why, because he didn't realize just how far that had gone. This was part of the reason for Stephanie being shelved. She has no sense of self-preservation, and I can't push her out of the front to protect us.

So this weekend we handled several steps to easing the tension on this matter. First, Boss got his lab results back, and tested clear for STDs. We expected him to, but weren't positive. We still need to wear condoms a bit longer because some things take 12 weeks to 'pop' on the tests, but most things are now ruled out. Second, Stephanie got put into storage. Third, Cherish was given orders to speak up and ensure that Boss wears a condom. That's really hard for her, but she agreed to it, and even practiced it. And Fourth, I talked to one of Boss's secondary alters, the one most likely to be transgressing, and the most likely to be able to control the others. He didn't like being told what to do, not at all. But after some growling at each other, he got the idea, and reluctantly agreed to follow the rule, and to try to force the others to do so, as well. Apparently I lose points for asking the craziest guy in there to follow a rule, but I get points for flattering him about being the only one strong enough to enforce it.

While Cherish was out, Boss also talked to her about Stephanie being put away. I think they both really needed to be able to talk about be sad about that.