Fallout [Me]

A couple of weeks ago, we had an incident that pretty much shut us down for wanting to write for a while. I wasn't planning to even mention it here on this blog, except that it is coloring a lot of other things for me. And Boss mentioned it on his blog, so I guess it's 'free domain' to speak about. If not, he'll tell me, and I'll remove this post.

We were visiting some friends. So we talked about the fact that we might swap up and have sex with them; that was all cool - exciting and fun, even. Until Boss had sex with her. Later, I asked Boss, just to confirm, about using condoms. And they didn't use a condom. And after he talked to her, he wasn't convinced that she's aware of her STD status and exposure. Which, knowing her typical choices, I'm not surprised. Which means I have to assume Boss has had exposure to something. Which means we're using condoms.

Upon finding this out, I lost my shit. I was suddenly feeling furious and betrayed and left out. Mostly betrayed. We've agreed that it's okay for us to have sex outside our relationship. But condoms have to be part of that, unless we've agreed to skip them. So I was really furious. I don't think I've ever been really angry with him before, and it took him by surprise how intensely I felt. Heck, it took me by surprise how intensely I felt.

Now, for me, that's not a gigantic deal. Stopping to put on a condom is just a momentary thing, and if I can absolutely trust that he will stop to do so, then I have no more worries. But for him, it has turned into a pretty gigantic deal. First, my anger and sense of betrayal, and his shock at getting hit with them, really crippled our relationship for a few days. He's facing a lot of guilt for stepping outside of our agreement, especially in the face of me being so angry about it. And I didn't try to soften it. I knew my anger at him needed to really be painful to him, to keep this from happening again.

Second, having to wear a condom really bangs into his sexual confidence. Boss's primary, in particular, is pretty bad about thinking with his penis first. Which means he'll forget that step of stopping for a condom if I don't pay attention and, when necessary, remind him. Except part of our dynamic is that I don't normally hold that little bit of control, and I give myself to him completely. So I feel like I'm holding back on him, and that's disappointing.

But his guilt and the bruise on his confidence have turned into some sexually submissive behavior from him. He has an alter that has always bent that direction, but we haven't been able to play with each other compatibly. But we're exploring that, to see it we can work it out. I'm really struggling with taking on the role of the dominant partner in sex. I can play the role, but I'm not feeling it.

The obvious solution is to have Rubi take over that role. But there are problems there, too. First, I've been a bit under-the-weather, health-wise, and haven't been switching much. I'm finally getting over that, so it may improve soon. Second, our relationship has been heavily grounded in him being in control, even over Rubi or any other strong-willed alter. He has to be in control of every one of us for him to keep all of us. It's hard to release that condition, even temporarily. And Third, it just isn't a comfortable role for us, to be actively dominant, sexually. But we're trying to at least create that 'acting role' to take on.

Boss has always been great about trying to take on compatible roles for what we need; now it's our turn. But it's not easy. Especially with a side of guilt hanging on for the ride.