Public Thanks [Me, Lynn]

Okay, this post has nothing to do with multiplicity, kink, or poly. It's about how you treat people you are responsible for. I'm using a kid as an example, but it fits for boss/employee, dom/sub, pet owner/pet, or any other authority relationship.

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There is a common business management teaching to Praise Publicly, Criticize Privately. I wish it were taught more consistently in other contexts, as well. Going along with that should be Thank Publicly, Correct Privately. Parents, especially, should learn this one (doms too).

When you are responsible for the behavior of another person, what kind of behavior do you want to call attention to? When you praise or criticize in private, your words and attitudes reinforce the behavior of your child/sub/pet. When you praise or criticize in front of other people, there are more dynamics in play. Not only your opinion is represented, but what you say or the attitude your body language shows is also reflected onto anyone who is watching.

For instance, your teenager says something rude to you at home, and you get angry and yell at them. You are at home, in a safe place for that teen. They feel brave enough to argue back, and apparently discount your words. But your displeasure does hit home, and even if they don't show it, they feel it. 'Mom is mad' gets imprinted, and attached to the behavior you criticized. However, have the exact same conversation in front of a bunch of other parents, who see the scene and may whisper to each other, or mumble and nod, or even chime in. Now your child attaches 'Mom is mad' and 'those people think I'm bad' to the behavior. But they also attach 'Mom embarrassed me' and the anger that goes with it. And so now they are mad and may feel justified to behave badly. So, have the exact same conversation in front of other kids - the other kids are likely to chime in on their side, so you get 'Mom is mad' and 'Mom embarrassed me', but you also get 'and my friends are on my side, so Mom must be wrong'. And every time your kid sees you and the people in the 'audience' together, they'll be reminded of the criticism and embarrassment, and probably behave badly again.

The same process works for praise, but even more so, I think. In private, you get 'okay, Mom's happy with me, nice' and it's dismissed. In front of friends, you get 'Mom's pleased - and my friends know I've done something to please her'. But in front of other parents, you get 'Mom's pleased, and these people know I am fantastic'. And the next time your kid sees those other parents, they remember 'they think I'm great' - and then set out to prove that they are great.

This is why you praise publicly and criticize privately. Public criticism is more about the one who messed up and their embarrassment - it breeds resentment instead of correction. Private criticism can be about what was messed up and how to correct it. Private praise, however, is faint and not as effective. Public praise, however, is reinforcing and empowering.

There is more to this, of course. How do you want people to see you? As a parent, if your child deserves an immediate reaction, you give it - pulling them away from others, if needed. But remember, your actions are seen by that audience, too. Do you want people to think of you as that person who is always fussing at their kid? Do that out of sight. If you praise your kid in public, though, you're not only telling your kid that they are good, but you're telling other people that your kid is good. So when they see your kid, they start off with the assumption of good behavior, which is often a self-fulfilling prophecy.