Am I An Adult YET? [Me, Sam]

I've had a couple of completely unrelated conversations recently about what it means to be an adult. How can you tell when you've finally 'grown up'?

Obviously, when you're 18 is one acceptable answer. If you're old enough to go fight and die for other folks, you deserve to be treated as an adult. You can legally sign a contract and be held to it. You can do serious time for breaking the law, and anything from that point will stick with you. Your parents no longer have a legal responsibility toward you - unless you go to college. You can inherit without someone else to supervise. You can buy what you want and can afford - except alcohol.  You can vote.

When my daughter asked me when I would consider her an adult, my answer depended heavily on being financially independent. She's already mature in most other ways. I told her I would consider her fully an adult when she was out of college, had her own job and place to live, and paid all of her own bills with no assistance needed from Mommy. By that measure, I'm almost grown up. My Mom has been giving me money to help with my mortgage for years. As of next month, she will no longer do so; I'll  finally be a grown-up, going by this measure.

But that's all the tangible things that really don't mean anything compared todisplaying adult behavior. Much of being an adult has to do with the intangible - your psychological maturity level, and how you react - or don't react.

An adult can be patient. May not be, but can be. A child wants everything right now. An adult will save up, waiting for that sale, or waiting to have the cash instead of going into debt. Or just waiting for the right time. An adult has to have patience with their finances, with other people, and with themselves.

An adult displays selflessness. When you are an adult, you realize that it's just not all about you. As long as it is all about you, you are still, psychologically, a child. Being an adult means sometimes putting aside your own wants and even needs in order to meet the wants and needs of your child, or your spouse, or someone else. An adult recognizes the need to sometimes make someone else a priority.

And an adult has learned to recognize that other people will not always agree with them. And that's okay. It's okay - even good - for people to have differing opinions, even to have conflicting facts. Just because you feel strongly about your thoughts on the matter, doesn't mean the other person is wrong. You can both have valuable viewpoints. Then again, you might be wrong. And an adult can accept that they have been wrong, admit it, and move on.

If admitting you're wrong isn't enough, sometimes you have to seek and reach a compromise. This goes back to the selflessness. Maybe everyone can't get everything they need, but you can make sure that the most important needs of each are met. It takes practice to learn how to find compromise - and more practice accepting it.

And when they've done wrong, an adult accepts the blame for what they've done. And accepts the consequences of those actions. Even the consequences of having done right. The choices you make color what happens to you. And how you react to that colors what happens next.

And what about those 'wrong' people? You can't be friends with them? That's okay. You don't have to like them. But you do have to treat them with a minimal level of respect and refrain from bashing them, belittling them, or infringing upon their rights. Yeah, I'm talking about tolerance. Adults have it.

You know what else adults have? Self control. Your temper will get you in trouble. So will your impatience. Or your dislike of a person or situation. An adult has learned how to get through a situation, a day, a down time, a conversation. You don't have to like it, but you have to deal with it. And with the consequences thereof.

Honor and Accountability. When an adult says they will do something, they will. An adult makes - and keeps - appointments and commitments. And if they can't keep a commitment, they inform the other parties, and do what's reasonable to make up for it or fix a substitute. It's simply unthinkable to just shirk one's responsibilities - if you're an adult.

And there are a few last spiritual items on want to touch upon - if anyone is still reading.

An adult has figured out that you can't stop growing once you grow up. An adult takes steps to improve themselves - whether that is to increase their ability to follow the guidelines above, improve their health, learn something, move along a spiritual path, or just to be a better person. An adult takes control of their own happiness, instead of depending on someone else to make them happy.

I asked my Facebook friends how they know when they are an adult. My favorite answer:
When I quit asking people for permission to be me.