Tender but Healing [Me]

Last night, the Boss told me I seemed... calm. Content, pleased, serene. Not tense and sad, as I've been for the last couple of weeks. And he is right. I seem to be 'over it'. Not that I no longer care about the things which have been hurting me, but just that I have found a peace about them. I'm okay. I find this is a normal cycle for me. It goes along with the Depression Cycle that I recognize in myself, but doesn't go as deep, because there's a recognizable cause and effect involved.

Stage One - When I hurt over something (and that's almost always someone), I hurt intensely. I wallow in the feeling, getting all the suffering out of it and into my system. I dredge up every little pain and examine it, making sure I feel all the pain it has to give me. At this point, I need to cry; I need to be furious; I need to feel it all the way.

Stage Two - I let the pain sit and process. I'm quiet and sad about it for a while, and have a sense of the inescapable nature of pain in life. Nothing is going to help me get through this process, I just have to suffer lightly for awhile. I feel like there's no way to avoid it, and the world is never going to have light in it again. But I know I will feel better if I can just wait it out. There's no way to help me at this point - it just has to process. Sympathy and touch remind me that it will get better.

And then I need a catharsis point. Something to hit the reset button. Often, that's a heavy beating, something to make me scream and cry - one that takes a few days to heal from. The ongoing pain annoys me, distracts me from whatever was making me hurt. The catharsis can also be some other change of pace - getting out of town, a project that suddenly comes up and take all my attention, just something that kicks me out of my rut for a few days and keeps me from focusing on whatever I'm upset about. Last weekend, I got a heavy beating that left scabbing on my back, made it tender and achy and itchy all week.

Then I rebound. I feel better, cleaner, ready to move on. And I'm there now. I miss the Bear, and seeing him as a friend will still be awkward for a while. I love him, and not being his makes me sad, wistful. But I know I'll be okay at this point. I can get on with things. The scabs are falling off my back, and it's only a little tender now. My back, and my soul.