I saw the Bear last night. Not as in 'spent some time with'; just that we both went to a party for a mutual friend. There were lots of mutual friends there. It was awkward, as I expected. And the merry-go-round spun a few times unexpectedly. But it was okay, and that was enough. I always make a round of the room hugging all my friends, and I did give him the awkward squeeze-your-shoulder-while-you're-sitting-down hug. He didn't rise for a real hug, but he didn't push me off, either.
I was distracted for the rest of the party. Several people asked if I was okay, and grudgingly accepted my answer that I was well enough. One person straight up asked, "Are you okay with him here?" And honestly, that helped, just to know that someone saw my pain, recognized it, and named it. I didn't stay late, and I didn't make any advances to him.
When I got home, I was down. Not tearing-up-paper and crying down, just being a little quiet kind of down. I'm still processing it a little, but I'll be okay.
I want to pour my heart out on paper, tell him why I quit him and how I feel about it. But I can't tell if that's a fair thing to do to him. I'm guessing my quitting him hurt; he doesn't actually indicate any feelings at all. But then again, that's been part of the problem.
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